The Bass Player Plays a Sad Song

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Here’s a new song I wrote for The CheeseBergens to be sung as a Beastie Boys-style rap.

You want to join a band, maybe play guitar and drums
But when you ask the cool cats, they say, “Man we have none,”
But if you’re still down, well, we gotta special place
See, you drew the short straw so you gotta play bass

Chorus:

You’re a bass player
And you’re such a nice guy
And you keep the band alive
Without you, they wouldn’t thrive
But your band just left you on Route 65

So you played a great show, and you think you’re all the rage
And all the chicas waiting to meet you backstage
The guitarist just left with a hottie on the prowl
And her slightly cross-eyed sister is looking at you now

She says, “Oh my God! Are you in the band?”
You say, “Yeah, I play bass,” as you’re holding out your hand
But you should have thought twice about that playah
Because now she’s leaving with the keyboard player

Chorus:

You’re a bass player
And you’re such a nice guy
And you keep the band alive
Without you, they wouldn’t thrive
But your band just left you on Route 65


Now you’re playing with a seven-string, you’re playing with a pick
But you’ll never be half as cool as Nikki Sixx
So maybe just retire like, who needs to be a rocker?
But you’ll never measure up to your brother, he’s a doctor

Chorus:

You’re a bass player
And you’re such a nice guy
And you keep the band alive
Without you, they wouldn’t thrive
But your band just left you on Route 65

Richard Ramirez’s Dentist

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I recently saw a documentary on Richard Ramirez. Due to his bad teeth, police staked out his dentist’s office hoping to catch him. When he didn’t show up after a few days, they cancelled the stakeout and left a panic button in the office for the dentist to hit if the Night Stalker entered.

Ramirez showed up as expected, but the panic button didn’t work. This poem is from the POV of the dentist during that visit.

There he was in front of me
His soulless eyes, his rotted teeth
They said Night Stalker was his name
I pushed the button, no one came

I showed him to the dental chair
And all my tools were lying there
A drill, syringe, and sickle probes
Would he grab them? Maybe so
Another victim in his game
I pushed the button, no one came

Or maybe I should be the man
And take things into my hands
Rob this killer of his life
Save sons, daughters, man, and wife
But just one killer there would be
And sad to say it wasn’t me
And perhaps that was my shame
I pushed the button no one came. 

And so did the appointment end
Successfully I will pretend
My patient, he no longer hurt 
Walked out the door free as a bird
And later on the news report
A trail of victims ‘fore he’s caught
And perhaps I am to blame
I pushed the button, no one came. 

Supermarket Rock

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Here’s one more- I wrote it for my band The CheeseBergens- yes, we are still a thing, but this song didn’t quite work out. I thought it could still make a pretty great poem.

BTW, shameless plug, but if you want to hear some of the poems I’ve been working on that did make it into songs, tune into our Spotify.

Hey now, do you really want those mashed potatoes? 
Hey now, you’re better off with the tomatoes
Bad decisions lurk in every aisle

Hey now, That teenage bagger’s kind of cute
Hey now, It’s been a minute since high school 
But did they just give you a sleepy smile?

Would be chorus:

On early morning Saturdays 
A female voice rings through the haze
As produce workers bring the latest stock

A song stuck in your mind’s far vault
Is it indie is it alt?
But you have coined it supermarket rock
Supermarket rock

Hey now, looking at the discount baked goods
Hey now, checking out the gross frozen foods
The latest thing sits in your fridge and rots

Hey now, gotta get your Fruit Loops on
Hey now, but you can’t locate your coupon
As you throw another item in your cart

(Repeat would be chorus)

Would-be bridge:

You can’t think of the singer’s name
But she was on her rise to fame
In the late 90s, early 2 oh oh ohs

And as you pull your cart along
A shopper singing the words wrong
A fate a one-named singer never knows

(return to would-be verse)

Hey now, now the checkout process starts
Hey now, behind a dude with a full cart
You roll your eyes but you don’t complain

Hey now, the cashier gives you a sad smile
Hey now, because she’s seen you here a while
And asks you “Hey who sings this song again?”

(Repeat would-be chorus)

Truck Stop

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Hey! I used to blog a lot- not so much anymore, but I’ve written some poems lately and thought, “Why not post them? Why let them go to waste?”

If you are a blogger I used to communicate with ‘back in the day,’ I’m sorry to say I can’t interact as much as I once did, but hopefully, you will enjoy the poem anyway. Thanks!

I work at a truck stop
Among the truck stop hoes
At least there’s free Red Bull
Microwave burritos

I work early mornings
And late into the night
For people I encounter
Like ships pass in the night

It’s not like there’s no regulars 
There’s Gayle and Joe and Beth
And the kids in the parking lot.
Who do the trailer meth.

But mainly I’m a pit stop
For people on vacation
But for me it’s not a pit stop
It’s my final destination

Not like I didn’t once have dreams
Back when I had looks
An actress or a movie star
A writer of great books

But the world don’t need more rock stars
As they traverse the miles 
They just need a clean restroom
And service with a smile.

New Music From The CheeseBergens

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Hey! I’ve been away for quite some time and I probably won’t be coming back on a regular basis any time soon. I’m just here for shameless self promotion.

Even though I am coming up on 50, I am still actively making a fool of myself performing in my family band The CheeseBergens. In fact, we have just released a new album and if you could take a listen, it would mean the world to me.

You can download the album for free at our Bandcamp link.

We also have a lyric video below. morecheeseplease (2)

Archie’s Ice Cream Closes Its Doors

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When I first heard there was a rock n’ roll ice cream shop that hosted live bands, I immediately thought, “I want to go to there”. Never mind that its Tustin location was some 44 miles from my home in Burbank, which could cost you up to 2 hours in So-Cal traffic, it was worth the trip!

And Archie’s did not disappoint. Not only did it serve delectable ice cream, it was decorated floor to ceiling (literally) with autographed pictures of the coolest rock stars ever! My family band went there every year for three consecutive years in a row to play and we brought my son’s and daughter’s band out there as well.

I’m so glad we all had the pleasure of performing on what I will always consider to be hallowed grounds.

It was always fun playing Archie’s. More than the cool atmosphere and great ice cream, it was imbibed with the spirit of its owner Shant Keuilian, a genuinely nice guy who loved to support local bands and innately understood the meaning of rock n’ roll.

Today, I heard the sad news that Archie’s will be closing its doors for the last time on Sept. 28. As another rock n roll institution bites the dust, I feel it necessary to give it the respect it deserves although a mere blog does not seem like enough.

Shant continues to keep the spirit of rock alive by visiting live events in the Archie’s Rock n’ Roll Ice Cream Truck, so if you see him out there, be sure to tell him The CheeseBergens say hello.

In the meantime, please enjoy this brief documentary created by Ryan Jachetta Films, that can truly tell you what rock n roll is all about.

Stupid Punk Song (CheeseBergens’ Video Release)

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Hello followers and friends! If you are reading this, you probably already know that I have passed on, which is precisely why I haven’t been around the blogosphere much to read your blogs lately. As I look into this batch of molten chocolate that will seal my fate, I contemplate the meaningless of life and all that comes with it.

This video is one of the few things I will leave behind to mark my legacy. If you like or comment, my soul may become light, giving me one last chance to ascend to heaven. Otherwise I am doomed to rot in hell for all eternity, but who am I to make your feel guilty?

https://www.facebook.com/TheCheesebergens/?ref=bookmarks

I’m At It Again

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That’s right, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the proverbial blogging water, here I am with my hand out again. I’m trying to get votes for my son’s band. “What?” you say, “We already voted for your son’s band!” you say. Well this is yet another contest and I could bore you with the details but, it may just be better to say, cast a vote for Diabology here:

combatrecs.com

and then read the details if you’re truly interested.

By the way, you can vote as many times as you are able until the contest ends on Dec. 30, so anything you can do is greatly appreciated. Also, because there are so many voters, the site keeps crashing making it even more annoying. It’s usually busiest in the evenings.

In other news, since I have my hand out so often, I hear that there is a poem about me circulating around the internet. You guys don’t think it’s true, do you??

There’s once was a blogger Marissa
Whose poems were really a pisser
She had quite a noggin
But then she stopped bloggin’
And some said they really did miss her

Then one day her blog reappeared
But readers found it a bit weird
‘Twas only the labor
Of asking a favor
Of all of her put upon peers

So politely disguised as a comedy
And sometimes with a lame apology
Here’s another she’s wrote
To elicit a vote
For her son’s metal band Diabology

So be you not fooled by her ditties
Her words may be clever and witty
But she’s really quite sad
And perhaps a bit mad
But at least cast a vote out of pity.

Diabology

No Man’s Land

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This one, inspired by my son’s birthday today.

Creepy spiders, badger’s nest, perhaps dinner for two
A wizard and a warlock and of course a witch’s brew
An amulet, a cigarette, those keys you never found
Spare coins, the remote control, the pet you thought had drowned
The wallet years gone missing though you never knew to where
Amazing the things you will find while combing Jesse’s hair.

Happy Birthday Jesse!

P.S. Thank you to everyone who voted for my son’s band in the Metal Devastation Band of the Month poll. They actually won! They got a blog spot featured here and will be in heavy rotation on the station all month as well as being featured on their Facebook page. I’m sure my son would be overjoyed if, as a birthday gift, you would give his band a like on Facebook or follow them on Instagram.

https://www.facebook.com/diabologyband/

https://www.instagram.com/diabologyband/?hl=en