rizzyr

I'm just so tired of it all. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay. It's not.
My kids don't listen, I feel like the worst parent ever. No matter what goes on, it's always my fault cos I wanted a kid or cos I wanted to moveout of the apartment and get a house. Zap has destroyed everything..absolutely everything. If we move out mom will have to sell as is cos Nick and the kids have ruined the house. Nick has stabbed holes in the wall with a kitchwn knife, yanked the banister off the wall, knocked doors off their hinges cos he ran into them with his wheelchair on purpose. Zap and Bella have broken off drawers in the bedrooms and kitchen, drawn all over the walls etc. All I want to do is scream anymore. There are times when Nick runs his mouth blaming me for everything that I want to just grab a pan and bash his brains in. I'm always so angry or crying...I just want to ignore them. Every time I go to clean one room they mess it up. They've broken my bed. We literally have no fucking money ans can't pay bills...but I have to make sure he has money for weed each week cos he NEEDS it...it's his medicine. I feel like my chest is going to explode. All I can think about is how soon I'm going to die.

I had a second interview with Sam's Club on Friday afternoon. And now I have a third interview today. I really really hope I get this job...we really need it so we don't lose our house. Fingers crossed again!

The baby shower, if you could call it that, was exactly what I thought it would be. Except they had a cake from Kroger. Which they weren't serving because everyone that said they were going to be there hadn't arrived yet. Ugh. We got there at 1pm and it was only supposed to go until 130pm, and no cake was served. Seriously? Luckily we only stayed for like 10 minutes and said hi to a couple people and family that we hadn't seen for a really long time, and then left.

So basically no, it wasn't a baby shower.

It's snowing like crazy right now, and the kids want to go play outside. Um, no. It's too cold. Me and the cold just do NOT get along. At all. Ever. Not gonna happen.

I really want to go to the library and get some new books to read.

Call me old fashioned, but since when do women throw baby showers at a wing place and invite people to bring whoever they want and then not even feed anyone or have games or anything?

My cousin's baby shower is tomorrow, and I really don't feel like going. She's having it at BW-3's which is a wing place here in Ohio. People are allowed to bring whoever they want so apparently she's having like 50 people show up. Then if you want to eat, you have to buy your own food. And she's not having games or anything. So basically I just feel like she wants people to bring her gifts and then they have to buy their own food. Like, I'm pretty sure there's not going to be a cake or anything. So how exactly is this a baby shower????

Whatever. Maybe I'm wrong and it will be totally different when we show up tomorrow. Luckily, I'm going with my mom, and she never stays long at anything so we can leave early. I am definitely starting to feel my age. Oh boy.

Also, I'm not actually drunk, only tipsy, but I don't have that mood on here. Whatever.

Been sick lately. Finally wrote a bit more to what Lou and I are writing. Nothing much else to say except that I am SO GLAD it's the weekend and Bella is off school. I hate getting up early to take her to the bus stop when it's cold out. Ugh.

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Lou wrote her next part and hopefully posted it in HER journal. I haven't checked yet. But I did write a bit more so here is my next part under the cut.

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In other news, I haven't heard back from Sam's Club yet. I even called and left a message for the manager on Wednesday. Ugh. Why can't they just tell you if they aren't gonna hire you? If I was a hiring manager I would totally tell the person if I didn't think they were right for the job and I wasn't going to hire them. Guess they think they're gonna hurt someone's feelings. Whatever.

I'm in the process of redownloading all my Sims 3 stuff from Origin. Think I'll ignore the world and play this afternoon. Kids are playing nicely for now...although that makes me nervous.

This is mainly for Lou and Raynee to read, but hey if you want to read it then go for it mon amies! First time I've written anything for probably over 6 years.

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That's all for now folks!!!

So I think the interview went really well Friday afternoon. The manager said she loved my application and has high hopes for me if I get hired. She even said she would put me through management training asap if I was a good cashier. The only problem was with my availability. But that will change once I can make sure that Nick can handle Zap on his own again. She seemed really happy with me so I feel really confident. They'll be calling back this afternoon to tell me whether I get a final interview on Tuesday and am hired or not. *crosses fingers* Here's hoping!

I really hate how Nick's social security check is never put into our account on the same day. They told us it would be in the first of every month and it changes every month. I can understand that it wasn't put in yesterday cos it was a Sunday, but it's not even in there now. It probably won't be in til tomorrow. Ugh. I really want to buy the Backstreet Boys documentary that just came out! And I want to buy my own copy of Advanced Warfare so I don't have to keep playing on his Xbox.

It's snowing and the sun is out. So sick of Cincinnati weather.

Now to stop typing bc I think it's too loud and is waking Zap up. Shhhhhh!!!!

I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon with Sam's Club!! Here's hoping I get some kind of position...I applied for a few different ones a couple of weeks ago. I haven't had a job for almost a year since I quit Kroger to stay home to take care of Nick and Zap.

Oh shit I haven't been to an interview in almost 10 1/2 years!!!

So I've been having a lot of knee problems lately. It's been popping and getting like really full feeling like it's swollen when it's not actually swollen. And now it's been locking up a lot when I'm laying in bed or walking. Of course I looked up possible problems on google (cos I like to torture myself) and I probably have a torn meniscus. Wonderful.

I watched The Fox and the Hound with Zap yesterday. First time I've ever seen that movie and I cried my eyes out. Horribly. I really miss having friends...like real friends that don't live a million miles away. I have my husband and my cousin and the former roomie that lives all the way in MAINE and that's about it. I mean, I do have Nick's friends and their wives/girlfriends but if Nick and I ever divorced then I wouldn't have them anymore. I used to always think it was everyone else that was the problem of why I didn't have friends that I could KEEP and now through therapy I'm beginning to find out that I'M the problem. Ugh. I have horrible communication skills in real life. And tons of security problems.

Supposed to go to therapy this afternoon, but my knee is hurting too much to get up and walk a lot. Sending Nick off to his by himself and I'll stay at home with Zap.

Speaking of Zap, I have got to learn some new parenting skills. He's getting out of hand. He's way too big for his age...he's the size of a 5 year old and he's only 3, and he just doesn't understand how strong and big he is. It's so hard handling a toddler that is the size of a kid...his mind is that of a 3 year old and his body is that of a 5 year old. Tips anyone????