how lame was that

suic1dahl idee-ayshuns into Active Plan into 'sure, why not'.  it was a very straightforward unexciting feeling, the way you feel when you know it's time to wash your dishes.

you get told and told and told and referred to and gently told to call your therapist and psychiatrist and the many resources available — which yes, i have a list of, including some friends who make a point of saying GURL DON'T YOU *EVEN* — but i never realized until the past year or so that when you hit the Call Those Crisis People phase, you don't care about calling them. or anyone.

it's a similar feeling to going down your checklist. bland, to-do, typical.

— feed cats
— do laundry
— slice wrists
— xanax until empty
— take out the trash

...you know, simple things.

it'd be more like:

— do laundry
— get gas
— buy good whiskey
— take all xanax and benz0s and wash it down with said whiskey
— feed the cats
— take out the trash
— slice your wrists and inner elbows like they're chipped ham
— be kind to the cleanup crew (put towels down)
— play animal crossing until you pass out
— pay your taxes
— sleep 

the basics.

anyway, i didn't, which you can make the assumption about because i'm here to livejournal about it.  

fact: while i won't discount all my chronic mental and physical illnesses, i'll also throw in a solid "i never knew the terms Separation and Dissolution also meant Of Your Soul".

yay!