My · Journey

A newer friend recently stumbled upon my other, more public blog the other day. She asked me why I stopped writing and why I don't write for a living. I haven't posted anything on either of my blogs in 8 months. I've mentioned it before, but I feel like I've lost my muse. I'm not inspired to write very often and when I am, I'm nowhere near my computer or pen and paper. Then I lose the inspiration or thought process or I'm too tired or agitated to sit down and write.

I don't have internet access at my house and although I finally got a smart phone, I've found the Blogger and LJ apps to be lacking. Maybe I should just ease back into it and just write short posts for a while and see if my muse returns.

Today I felt horrible when I woke up so I called in sick for the first time since I started my job 3 1/2 years ago. Around noon, I was starting to feel a little better, but desparately needed coffee so I stumbled the 3 blocks to the nearest coffee shop, laptop in tow. I haven't even turned my computer on in MONTHS so of course, all my anti-virus programs had expired and everything is "updating" and making my computer run incredibly slow. So, if I'm still here and still feeling well enough, perhaps I'll write more.

It doesn't appear that very many of my F-list ever post anymore. Only two of you show up in 3 pages of the Friends posts.

I recently read Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. I first saw this book this past summer while shopping for a gift. It caught my eye so I picked it up and read the back. I was in a hurry and quite broke so I made a mental note to pick it up when I had a few extra bucks to spend on myself. Over the last six months, I've thought about the book a lot and I finally purchased the ebook for my Kindle late last week after a conversation with a couple girlfriends about my relationship with Ken.

I'll start by saying that the title is a bit misleading. The book wasn't exactly making the case for settling, but rather for reevaluating what you think is important and compromising on the superficial things. Most of us girls are taught to be confident and have a high self-esteem. We are taught to NEVER SETTLE for less than we deserve and, well, we deserve nothing but the best, of course. We grow up with all these fairy tales about knights in shining armor and valiant princes and we believe that someday our prince will come. We think our soul mate will show up one day out of the blue, sweep us off our feet and we'll live happily ever after in a harmonious and passionate relationship. Okay, so maybe we realize there is no such thing as a perfect man or a perfect relationship, but we're bound and determined not to settle and we overlook some wonderful men in our search for that elusive Perfect 10 (even if in reality, we're only a 5 or 6)! At the beginning of a relationship, we tend to focus on all the wonderful qualities our man possesses, but before long, we are picking apart everything he does, comparing him to every other guy we've known and focusing on his imperfections. We decide that we want more... something... and we jump ship looking for whatever that something is. Meanwhile, we are oblivious that we don't have the very qualities we expect our man to have.

How many of you ladies have (or had) THE LIST? You know the one - it usually starts something like this: tall, attractive, kind, funny, stable... and it goes on and on and on. Every time you break up with a guy, you add things to the list that he wasn't or you modify existing attributes (i.e. funny, but not corny; stable, but not married to his job). The older you get, the more time and experience you have to refine the list and before you know it, you really are looking for Mr. Perfect. Then you meet a guy who has most of the qualities on the list, but he's short, or balding, or maybe a little older or heavier than the person you pictured and you don't give him a second thought. This book addresses all of those things and encourages women to not judge a book based on it's cover, but to open yourself up to finding happiness with someone you wouldn't necessarily expect. (I mean, how many single, tall, dark, handsome, rich, funny, adventurous, supportive, age appropriate men with a full head of wavy locks and a desire to settle down and have a family do you think there are out there? Certainly not enough to go around!)

I wanted to read this book because of where I am in my own relationship. I absolutely love my boyfriend and am eternally grateful for him. He's loving, kind, supportive, compassionate, and so much more, but I'd be lying if I said I'm always content in the relationship. There are days when I think of an ex or of someone else's relationship and I wish Ken had some of those qualities. I'll have easy, witty banter or a deeply intellectual or spiritual conversation with someone and wish I had that with Ken. I'll remember the passion of a previous relationship and wish I had that with Ken. I'll hear about or witness some gesture or quality and wish that Ken was more like that. I go through phases where I find myself focusing on the qualities that he doesn't have instead of the amazing man that he IS. The thing I need to remind myself of when I'm going through one of these phases is that those past relationships ended for a reason. I compare Ken to those men, but those men hurt me deeply. There may have been intellectual banter or a shared faith or spontaneity or passion, but there were also lies, betrayal, abandonment, instability and passion. (The thing about passion is that when it's good, it's great; but when it's bad, it's awful! It's a double-edged sword.)

I do strive to focus on the positive and most of the time Ken makes that very easy. He is thoughtful and generous. He supports me in everything I do, donates to every cause I participate in, buys me flowers for no reason, tells me he loves me ALL THE TIME, compliments me and believes in me. He surprises me with weekend get-aways and unique experiences and steps out of his comfort zone and is willing to try new things. He doesn't even like coffee, but he bought me a coffee maker for his place, learned how I like it and makes it for me on those mornings I'm there. He doesn't drink wine, but he keeps a bottle or two of my favorite at his place for me. He apologizes when he's wrong, laughs at all my jokes, encourages me, cooks for me, takes care of me when I'm sick or sad or just feeling lazy. He took amazing care of me when I was recovering from surgery. He is the most selfless man I've ever met. He is completely focused on my fulfilling my needs and desires, even if he doesn't share them. And he genuinely thinks HE'S the lucky one!

I don't feel like I'm settling. I do feel like I am more realistic than I was even just a few years ago. He may not be everything on my mile-long list, but he has all of the qualities that I NEED and many that I want too. He is enough! In fact, he's more than enough and far more than I deserve. I know I'm the lucky one in this relationship and I'm so thankful we found each other.

Seeing as how the year is just about up, I should probably record the rest of the books I've read this year. I posted some on March 2nd and more on July 4th, totaling 25. Here's another 22.

Eclipse - Richard North Patterson
Tell No One - Harlan Coben
7th Heaven - James Patterson / Maxine Paetro
8th Confession - James Patterson / Maxine Paetro
A Thousand Acres - Jane Smiley
The Final Detail - Harlan Coben
Gone for Good - Harlan Coben
Dark Room - Andrea Kane
Hard Truth - Mariah Stewart
The Next Accident - Lisa Gardner
Alone - Lisa Gardner
Nowhere to Run - Mary Jane Clark
Devil's Corner - Lisa Scottoline
Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) - Carol Tavris / Elliot Aronson
First Daughter - Eric Van Lustbader
A Very Simple Crime - Grant Jenkins
Pray for Silence - Linda Castillo
The Last Child - John Hart
The Hanging Tree - Bryan Gruley
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough - Lori Gottlieb
Accountable to None - Ashley Fontainne

I didn't quite hit the "one-a-week" goal, but 47 books in a year isn't so bad, I guess. Ken gave me a Kindle for our 3 yr. dateversary and I'm loving it so far. I've downloaded several classics for free and am looking forward to reading those.

Ken and I have our very own Christmas tradition of non-stockings. One year, we both just happened to use paper bags instead of stockings. Gift bags, boxes and santa hats have also been used. I'm having a hard time coming up with something clever this year. I know it doesn't really matter what I use, but I thought it would be fun to do something unique. Any suggestions?

Instead of spending lots of money on gifts for each other, we agreed to use that money for vacation in February. We're going to Mazatlan and I couldn't be more excited! I haven't been to Mexico in almost six years and he's never been. I've never been to Mazatlan so I'm excited for a new adventure. Life has been far to boring as of late. So even though we aren't doing big gifts, we decided to still do non-stockings and set a reasonably low spending limit. So far, Groupon has been my friend! There is no shortage of ideas for stuffers, I just need something to stuff.

I've contemplated this a lot in my life. There have been times when I've met someone and felt very strongly that it was fate. I once met someone who I immediately felt a connection with and was strongly attracted to. I even went so far as to call it "love at first sight" even though I had never before believed in that notion.

My whole life growing up in a church, I was told that God has ONE perfect person for you and that when you meet that person, you will know. I believed this. When I met the man who would become my husband, my dad asked me what was so special about him and I answered that I just knew in my heart that he was "the one." My dad responded that he didn't believe there was ONE person in this world that we are destined to be with, but rather several people (or maybe even several hundred people) that we could be compatible with and love. I agreed that, sure there could be those people and if I were to marry one of them, perhaps I'd enjoy my life and all, but it wouldn't be the same, fulfilling relationship than if I married "the one God had for me." I was determined NOT to settle for just good enough. He reminded me that we all have free will and asked what would happen if "the one" chose to move to Africa or chose to marry someone else in the heat of the moment or what if he died. At the time, my response was, "well then, he wasn't really the one." In my naïveté, I missed his point.

After my divorce I thought for sure that another love just wasn't in the cards for me. After all, "the one" chose someone else and if I found someone else, I'd just be settling. Then, to my surprise, I met a man I believed to be my soul-mate. After a timultous affair, that ended too. It's taken some time, but I've loved enough to know that there isn't just one person that God put on this earth for any of us. If that were the case, then all that talk about God giving us free will would be a lie and if that person's free will got them killed or led them far away, there would be a lot of lonely people on this earth.

I believe that a lot of times, we mistake those feelings of instant attraction or connection for love. True love, though, is a choice. It's a choice we make every day. Sometimes that choice is so effortless that it doesn't feel like a choice at all. But there are days when the person we "fell in love with" does not appear attractive to us and we don't feel that closeness or connectedness with them, but we can still choose to love them. Love is a verb. It is an action. It is a choice we make regardless of our feelings in that moment.

I'd tell her/me not to worry about being a late bloomer. I'd tell her that she's going to end up having boobs that are so big she'll hate them and end up getting a breast reduction anyway.

I'd also tell her not to worry so much about her crazy family. She turns out alright in spite of everything.