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June 20th, 2017
 | 10:32 pm - "All my friends have 9-5s"
Everything sucks so fucking bad lately I don't want to get into a single bit of it. Just here to drop this off.
"What happened to your hot intern?....no, the boy?....Ricky's your hot intern."
I hate my life for a myraid of reasons right now. But this? Are you fucking kidding me? On top of, how is my life timing with Jack so fucking wrong always?? I start drinking and learn to be semi kinda social when it's way the fuck too late to ever get his attention and now my motherfucking room is getting quite cool with him while he has a girlfriend. What in the fuck.
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June 2nd, 2017
 | 12:01 am - Understand I'm Talking to the Walls
FIRST OFF this is a Harry Styles post.
Secondly, I'm aboslutely going to write about other things too so that's a lie but I'mma start with Harry.
Once upon a time, Kendra and I tried to get into One Direction. We got that DVD from the Redbox and we were ready for this to be our new Peter Pan thing. Welp, all I remember all these years later was how much that Zayn (the hot brown one, as I liked to call him) seemed to hate his life. Also, they were all pretty ugly except maybe Harry. I could see why the kids liked him.
Fast forward to me standing in line for 3 hours for tickets to see Harry perform solo at the Troubadour.
Hold on, back up. Right around the last 1D album I got into them. But I only got super into about 20 songs from their entire discography. I did the same with Zayn's solo...about 5 songs are great and the rest I don't need at all. So, with 1D, the songs I like I fucking LOVE. They are the best songs I have ever heard - and then the rest can go missing into the obyss becaue idgaf. Honestly, "Fireproof" (which happens to be Jack's favorite are you fucking kidding me) and "What a Feeling" are everything. They are fucking everything and I love them so much.
So, a month before, Frances tells me Harry is playing the Troub and she's only telling me and one other friend. It's a big deal. I'm down for the sake of knowing this is going to be a big deal whether I really give that many fucks about Harry at all.
And then, the album dropped.
This fucking album. I love it so much. It's so cool to go into something with, honest to god, ZERO expectations, and come out being head over heals enthralled. Now, I enjoyed the first 2 singles enough, although "Sign of the Times" was a bit boring, the overall message was beautiful and poingnant. Part of me was pushed towards him because of the people I have to be around a lot (coworkers, mostly) wanting to be haters. But I am madly in love with the album. From start to finish, perfection.
The show was a huge secret. At one point Frances said it was on par with the Guns'n'Roses show they did last year. The day after the album was released Harry did a show in London. A tweet from his account went out at 8am the day of with ticket info - which was going to the venue immidiately to buy a ticket. With Troub, due to a lot of red tape City of Weho stuff, they had to sell tickets at Amoeba.
She can't get even 1 single person in. So, she gives us all the info to get ourselves in.
My ass took a whole damn day off work and had to stand with a bunch of 1D crazy kids but for $20 had one of the most fun and memorable nights of my life. Truly.
They only sold 150 tickets and the rest were guestlist/industry. To be on the floor with that few people made the show feel even tinier. And the kid is amazing. Unless he decides to get real weird, he's got a legendary career ahead of him. Legendary. And I'm so happy I got to be in that crowd. I genunitely think it's going to be a story I tell the rest of my life.
In the middle of the set, Stevie fucking Nicks comes out to do his song, "Two Ghosts," oblig "Landslide," and jesus christ "Leather and Lace." tbh I went to the bathroom and bar during "Leather and Lace" BUT STILL fuck.
Also, this whole time, our friend Ashley is buying me drinks and we start tequila shots, since Frances has offered to take me home, as we might have to go to his afterparty. So I'm drunk. And honestly, I wouldn't have had it any other way because I had a blast and it relaxes me.
We get through the set with little incident. At some point I realize his bulge in these tight, gold glitter bell bottoms is some real good shit. He makes eye contact with me during "Only Angel" and I fucking DIE. Life is amazing.
Frances takes me, Ashley and her friend upstairs to the "afterparty." There is free pizza, it's open bar, it's everything I've ever wanted. I'm already drunk but I'm drinking more. Now, the difference between drunk me and sober me is the social factor. The sound guy comes and sits with us and I chat up a storm with him. Unfortunately, he never asked Frances for my number the way the security guy did.
We go downstairs, hang out, and then Frances rushes us back upstairs. Since I'm drunk I have no idea where any info is coming from but she's good to guide us. We go back upstairs, see Harry but aren't freaking out at all, and one of his people come up to us telling us to leave. I know Frances got fucking fierce, yelling back at him about how she works there and belongs there. He finally leaves and we go stand in a corner, not bothering anyone, but the booker (a new amazing one, not the ho who fucked Jack) comes up and tells Frances, quite seriously, we have to go, so we do. We're downstairs in the bar long enough to do 1 more tequila shot, try to encourage Frances to go back up and have her time because we understand we don't belong, but she's embarrassed at this point, and we all head home.
It was a bit of a damper on a mostly flawless night. I was fully ready to take the cutest photo with Harry the moment we saw him but dashed that from my mind immidiately. It's still a magical night.
And NOW, I'm living for All Time Low. I mean, I have been for literally two entire years, but the newest album has been released and it's great. It's different as hell but it's very good. I've got a lot of thoughts on it, the label, the rollout, but not so mant feelings. And I kind of like that. I still have that space of objectivity with this band.
Also worth mentioning, New Found Glory rolled through and I got to see all their album shows and they were fucking fantastic as well. No band ever makes me as consistantly happy. Frances and I flew to Vegas where we freaked the fucked out about not being barricade and BOUGHT A TABLE with bottle service (byeeee bottle of chardonary before they even started) and I accidentally flung aioly on a guy and he legitimately wanted to fight me.
They did 3 days at Troubadour and that was fantastic and ridiculous and I couldn't ask for anything more. Except I'll see them 3 more times in Novemeber and I am ready A F already.
I definitely do not want to live with Ricky another year but only because my mental health cannot take it. I swear to dive into that further. I want to.
Anyways. Boys still don't like me and I still want Jack's dick.
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March 9th, 2017
| 11:17 pm - Trip Over Your History
I know I've been saying this for fucking YEARS now, but
All Time Low is the band I always wanted Fall Out Boy to be.
1. Respect your fans
2. Know your songs (well enough to bust out random shit live)
3. Change up your setlist and throw surprises in
4. Like each other
5. Look like you want to be there
Now, of course there's no way of knowing, but I'll always believe the stumbling trajectory of their career made them more appreciative and humbled. I could see the direction they were going and maybe they'd always be good friends but the band aspect had FOB disaster sprawled on it. But they got smacked down and had to retrace some steps and that situation proved how important what they had built was and to never fucking take that for granted.
They don't. At this point - 14 fucking years later - I don't think they ever will.
They aren't like FOB and they aren't like Blink. Truly, they are Green Day. I've watched this band take notes from my all time favorite band and goddammit I want to see them succeed. It'll hurt, but I have faith they'll ALWAYS come back.
Because it's not just about what you have to do, but what you want to do. That earnesty shows through. They deserve to be rewarded for it.
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February 20th, 2017
| 12:09 am - Only Care About What We Do
New year, new shit to be sad about.
I haven't felt much like writing and even right now, I still don't. But, I've got time and I should.
My mom and I went on a fairly nice little vacation to visit some cousins in Denver. Mostly overall, it was pretty great. My only issues were my mom's lack desire to attempt helping me make any plans. Frankly, I'm not much in the mood to write it all out, but for the last year or so she been acting so helpless. She flat our refuses to learn or try computer things, research. Mostly that's fine but it forced me to plan out entire trip (hotel, rental car, possible excursions). It very annoying to feel like I have to take care of her, when she is very much so still able but completely unwillinging. It's rapidly feeling like burden to me and I just don't know what to do.
In the last few hours of our trip, the hospital called and informed her my grandpa had been diagnosed with pneumonia. Being 89yrs old + pneumonia, we didn't for a second pretend we didn't know the likely outcome of this. Of course, that doesn't make it better. Knowing doesn't mean shit.
For the next 2 weeks, I had called out of work a day, my mom 2, on top of being there every single day, and mostly we fought with the doctor and staff to do what we always believed was their job of keeping him comfortable. It was awful. It was torturous. In his state (and general stubbornness) he would often refuse pain meds and then continue to bawl himself up and literally yell out in pain. It was fucking terrible. In the last couple of days he was finally in so much pain that he gave in and that, to us, spoke volumes.
From the first day we saw him we knew. And even on the couple of good days he had in between that, we knew it would not be long. A day an a half before, I saw at the hospital from 9pm-midnight, because my mom had a long day and I needed to be there. I told my friends I didn't see him making in through the week. I didn't think it would be 2 days later.
And now, it's the struggle with my mom. How she will fill her time and when will she stop beating herself up over going home to go to sleep and not being there 2:30-3:30am when he took his last breath. I'm trying to get her there but I'm not sensative and my god what an awful feeling.
Two days after starting everything with my grandpa, Kendra tells us her boyfriend has been diagnosed with leukemia. Jesus christ. Thankfully, they started his chemo right away and a month later things seems to be going well. Of course, it's an insane uphill battle that we know involves more than his health (money for bills, money for healthcare, a job once he's able again) but we're all willing to pitch in how we can.
I went and hung out at the hospital with her the day before I was calling out of work to be at my grandpa's. It was the most talking we've kinda ever done. We haven't even seen each other since we both moved back in November which is pretty insane. I don't want it to be like that but we're living very different lives now and don't need each other all the time. Meh.
Right before all of this one of Frances's dogs, which she's had for maybe 7-8 years died. So I don't know what in the fuck is happening with all of us but fuck.
Just like the fucked up state of the world in general thanks to this goddamn president and administration, we are all seeing the way we pull together when bad shit is happening. I know it's the standard to say "if I can do anything for you" but for the very few people I kept in contact with through this, I know it's meaningful. Some of them checked in on me every day and that means a lot. Kendra actually mailed my mom a card and that damn near made me cry.
Living with Ricky is more good than not, I thnk.
I'm working very hard on not taking the dumb things he does/says/don't say/doesn't do personally. His biggest problems are always girl problems which are annoying but what can I do. With all this going on recently he has been pretty, pretty great...after I kinda was crazy and scolded him.
He had a night of first talking about his depression and having a shitty couple of days when I happened to be out of town. I take his depression very seriously and want to talk to him and help comfort. But, then it turned into over-exaggerating whining about his "lack" of social life and girls.
Oh honey, do not fucking come to ME with that.
So, in stereotypical girl fashion, I pretty much avoided him for a couple days. Then, when I told him I wouldn't be home Thursday night for the rest of the weekend, he didn't even reply till the next day. When he did, it was kinda dumb. At no point did he ask me why despite knowing my grandpa was not okay and I became very dramatic at him not knowing something was wrong without me blatantly saying it. I still think he's dumb but I also realize I was being crazy.
The day before Emo Nite, when I hadn't been talking to him, he randomly told me I was on the guestlist. First attempt at trying to get himself out of the trouble he did not at all understand why he was in. (Holy fuck being a girl is a joke sometimes) He comes home late that night and I'm already in bed, but he texts me asking for my phone charger. I take it to him and he asks if I'm okay. I give a too quick answer and start to walk out, so he asks again. At this point, I tell him everything. We agree me expecting him to know things is a little crazy. I also tell him how he needs to be more aware of my problems aka DO NOT complain to me about RELATIONSHIPS and a SOCIAL LIFE when I have NONE or very little and it's not because I enjoy it being that way.
I don't like being vulnerable with him for two reasons:
If I'm talking about my problems it's because I want an answer or, mostly, some comfort. The lack of this is why I didn't talk to Kendra and barely talk to Frances, but I took everything to Ashley and Amber now gets every single bit of everything. If I'm not getting what I want there is no point and I don't bother.
Second, and this is shitshow, but I know that once I start on something I then feel the need to give all the backstory. I can't just complain about one small thing without giving the full details of all the things accompanying that. I keep my lack of relationships and normal life experiences very gaurded and I'm always afraid of giving away information I am embarrassed of. Fuck, this kid told me, first thing in the morning while I was lying in bed and he stood in my doorway, about how he never had sex with the stripper because sometimes he can't. He told me this. And I'm still embarrassed about what I'm lacking.
He's been great this last week. He has hung out with me and drank, per my request of comfort. He has offered dinner. He invited me out to the things he was doing Friday night - a comedy show and some DJs, not social with friends - but he still took me. He knows I feel weird about the DJ thing, but he was really good at just being with me and finding the things in it I'd enjoy. He is fucking trying.
Today he posted a snap of himself singing the new All Time Low song with the caption "When Helen isn't home." He's trying and it means a lot.
So yep, in the goddamn fucked up time that was last week, I also got new songs from what I can safely say are my two favorite active bands. I mean, yes Green Day are my loves and The Wonder Years have done so much for me, but NFG and ATL are what I think most about, in their own ways.
So hey, I got a new song from each of them. NFG is cool. It's good, it's catchy, it'll be fun live. It's everything I need from them. They're shows in April are going to be fucking perfect.
All Time Low is very different and, well. I do like the song. It gets stuck in your fucking head. It doesn't sound till an ATL song till the last 40 seconds and then it becomes the best part of any ATL song, with Alex's vocals letting loose.
I only felt a little weird when Ricky told me Jack has a girlfriend, whom he apparently could not stop talking about when one of the Emo Nites hung out with him. Guys, guysguys. Jack has his first girlfriend in 6 years. Jack has a girlfriend. Jack has a motherfucking girlfriend just before he's about to go on tour for the next 18months or whatever on this album cycle. My mind is blown and I'm waiting to see if he lets this go public.
The best news is that I was so excited to wake up to a new ATL song that I forgot all about even checking Snapchat to see what he or any of the guys posted. It's little but for me, that's huge progress. I'm loving the band and not getting wrapped up in their lives. Fuck I need that.
Let's see if we can't unfuck the rest of the year.
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January 1st, 2017
| 01:16 am - new name who dis
After over a decade I've treated myself to a new username.
Between not loving that one (not hating it, either, but, eh) and the way it's connected to my other, possibly google-able networks, it seemed like a good idea. Look, I'm not saying anyone was going to stumble onto it or the information, but it's just easier to make the change since my entire life is here.
"I'd rather be lucky than good"
A phrase my dad would commonly say and a lyric from one of my favorite Fireworks songs.
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December 17th, 2016
| 11:10 pm - We Belong Awake
Wow wow welp. The day of my last entry (the actual day...later that day) Kendra officially moved all of her stuff out. Not that her and the boyfriend moving in was any surprise - I believe this month they've been together like 2 years which is pretty insane to think about - but wow what a change for everyone.
The night before she told me she'd be moving Ricky and I had talked about him moving out and I was going to help him look at places. Literally, the night before. So, he was the first person I text, to which he said, "So, do hate me or do you want to find a place with me...?"
Next, I text Frances. Which was a huge error on my part.
For years now Frances and I have talked about moving in together. Why wouldn't we? But, then, Ricky stormed my life. Long story short, he did not want 3 of us together. His entire reasoning for this never fully made sense (I even pulled the "oh because we're closer?" question and got shut down so lol my ego or defining of this friendship) and while I did have us looking for 3 bedroom places, the truth is that trying to find 3br was tough. Trying to find 3brs in an area we could all agree on was even more tough. So, thank motherfucking god, Frances was cool and understanding when I basically had to bail on her yet again. At the end of the day me and Ricky needed a place to live and Frances just wanted something more convenient. I still feel shitty, I try not to talk too much about the place or life with Ricky, but we are all good. We had this chat the day after the election and due to that I felt more mushy than usual and she reciprocated.
So, after a very strange year, I am now roommates with @rickytheintern of Emo Nite fame. And what a 3 weeks it has been already.
Like the stripper from Portland who goes to Emo Nite and who was staying with him for a few days not being able to back my car out straight and hitting a pillar. Thankfully, she's being very cool about that whole thing and has the money, so currently my car is in the shop and she has already sent me $1,500. She will send the rest when I have the final total.
But on the other side of the story is how she wasn't totally great to him and he was left pretty bummed out for a few days. Because this kid has a million feelings and catches them fairly easy, especially when a girl touches him, apparently. (This bitch slept here for 2 days and they didn't even have sex. While I'm thrilled I didn't hear anything that was a sign that messed much more with his feels than his libido) So we also got stoned one night for him to feel better, but I smoked half the damn joint and just like previously with Amber, ended up dizzy as fuck and just had to lay my head down. I slept from like 9pm - got up around 11 when Ricky said I should go to bed - and straight till my 6am alarm. I'm willing to try the weed one more time guys but after 2 experiences where I apparently had way more than I can handle (he was sending emails and playing video games, I'm just a pussy) we're gonna have to scale it way back!
Then he tried to talk to me about his whole thing, kinda. He was really just looking for me to comfort him somehow and wow oh wow I do not know how to do that. I am not sensitive and he knows that, so I could tell he was apprehensive to even tell me about everything. I am such a logical thinker, I love to talk out issues and try to find understanding, but feelings aren't fucking logical and there aren't necessarily answers or even questions. So, I did a terrible job.
But, not going to lie, it also feels different with a female friend. Without going too much into this because boy howdy could I, I'm still not sure if we're ever gonna have sex. Like, of fucking course I know all the reasons that would be an insanely awful idea, but, sex? It's a thing I'd like to do at some point and I'm not sure that I could turn that down. So, when he was being all sad puppy, I saw the moments that I could've been more physically affectionate and just couldn't do it because I'm still very afraid of all of that. I'm afraid of IT, but still more afraid of the whole rejection involved in that. As a dude, I feel like he's willing I make the move, but as my normal self who is not desired and therefore has no confidence, I definitely do not think that's a thing. WHO KNOWS.
I feel like I only have any stories to tell when I actively do things I know I shouldn't.
That's my 2016.
I've had so many firsts and new things happen in 2016 all because of Ricky, what other trouble can I get myself into?
I ended up skipping November Emo Nite which looked very bad, as if I was avoiding Aaron. I was not, truly, but not sure I could convince anyone of that since my honest reason was that I was very worn out from a busy October and also anxious that so many of Ricky's friends would be there and again, I'd be alone with them.
The day of, I decided to go to the 2 year anniversay in December. Honestly how could I not use my first opportunity on the roommate guestlist? Nothing interesting happened at all, not like last year when I finally spoke to Jack. Apparently he was around but I had no idea (something suspicious happened that night but no one will give me any details).
The best part of the night was me telling everyone in line that they should come hang at our place sometime then saying "lol look at me inviting Ricky's friends over, I'm sure he'll be fine with it," and Daniel saying, "Hey, we're YOU'RE friends." <3 His other friend also texted me next day and we chatted a bit. Ya know, they are not gonna be my best friends, and of course they have their issues and drama (and incestuous situations) but wow, that feels really good. They have all been so damn good to me all year long, since that first meeting in January where they took care of me, and I don't take that lightly.
As I have gained some friends I have also finally, officially cut myself off from Ashley. After going to a show together and having a pretty bad, awkward hangout we didn't talk for almost a month. I never even told her about moving. Because I also got so fed up with having to constantly be the one keeping in touch, making plans, driving to her. Then, only being able to talk about negative and depressing things, for the most part. I felt punished for having fun.
The day we moving I posted some snaps that would've made perfect sense to anyone who knew and raised questions to anyone who didn't. The next day, I tweeted, and she finally text me. But when I told her where I was (now that I'm in LA proper) her immidiate was that it was far and this area gives her the "heebie jeebies." She went negative right away and I really, really fucking tried to be nice. I was so incredibly nice. Until I just couldn't be anymore and went in on her completely.
Amber read the whole conversation and said it sounded like a full out breakup. Honestly, yeah.
Look, it sucks to not have someone there who I can talk about anxiety and failure and virginity and lack of experience with. I mean, I have 2 other friends I can talk AT about those things, but she was the one I could actually converse with. I held onto that. Without a doubt she knows the most intimate things I've been willing to share with someone and knows the most about things written here than anyone - partly simply because I knew she'd listen and care if I spoke. But you can't hold onto those things forever and it stopped being enough. I would've loved to tell her about Aaron and the Troubadour guy and laugh some damn more about potentially sleeping with Ricky, she would be my go to for those things, but she chose to stop being around.
I hadn't even thought about her for days and then yesterday Ricky asked if we had talked. And that's just it, she doesn't even cross my mind anymore so, I guess I don't miss her that much.
Momentarily, backing up to the virginity thing - I'm very afraid for the day somehow me and Ricky talk about that. Maybe we'll make it through the whole year and he'll just assume I didn't get laid. Unless we do it, that's my best case scenario because that is just not a conversation I can stand to have. I can't even bring myself to be honest with Amber about it and at this point she has got to assume I just haven't had sex the entire couple of years we've been so close. She knows Cameron was the last guy I liked and nothing happened there. If she has done the math, well, it looks insane and sad. That honestly is my biggest issue of living with him, that fucking topic.
BUT, we did have a very real conversation about getting me introduced to Jack. He wants to make this happen and it is only a matter of time before it will. Which is motherfucking insane. YOU GUYS. Insane. I'm not going to get what I want because we all know I cannot close that deal but the sheer fucking fact that I almost definitely will be legitimately introduced to JACK is fucking insane. And it is absolutely not something I brought up or pressed or even joked about, this is all him volunteering and talking to be about doing it. INSANE.
Aside from all of this I am now trying to buckle down on a story. I entered a fic exchange, before knowing I would be moving and having a stupidly busy couple of months and now having a deadline less than 2 weeks away. I am barely anywhere on this story. Also, since Ricky is clingy and a bit nosey, it's hard for me to get anytime away from him to even look at fic things or tumblr. I've only gotten to write all this out because he's currently at The Riff for someone's birthday. He invited me but I got sick a couple days ago and avoided the whole thing.
Changes and things oh boy.
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November 5th, 2016
| 02:42 am
Let us not forget the day Ricky showed me a screenshot of Jack replying to a picture of Ricky on Babs's snapchat with
RICKY 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
(not sure of exact amount of heart-eye emojis)
This is going to fuck me up forever.
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October 9th, 2016
| 06:09 pm - Opperation: No Control
The last 8 days have been quite interesting. Well, like, normalish and more interesting than usual. With new firsts!!
Went to All Time Low's last two Blink shows. Frances and I had floor tickets one night and A+ seats & VIP food access the other night. The best thing about this band, and probably because of the standards I set for them so many years ago, is that their personal lives have never affected how I felt about them as a band. That was trap I fell into so hard with FOB. Even if I know Jack is dumb, lonely manchild (whom I adore and want to fix? not sorry) and Alex a is boring, domestic bitch (who's valley home is the next town over from me) and Rian happily sells out along with his lady (all this country bullshit is stupid and he has fallen victim) I still fucking love All Time Low with all my fangirl heart has to give.
I made constant jokes about them being the best band on that lineup and ya know what, it's still fucking true! No need to put my dissertation of that here cuz we already know. Blink was good, Blink was fun, they played all the songs I know a few I just couldn't give a shit about.
Night one ATL played pretty straight through, knocking out songs in their short set without much banter. I creeped to the second row just because. After the set I started walking with friends to find a drink. We go down a corridor that happens to be the one that leads from the stage to the dressing rooms and here goes Alex talking to a very smiley Brendon Urie and the rest of the pack. I mostly noticed Jack being sweaty and hot as fuck. He may have this strong middle-eastern vibe with a fuller beard and red stripe darkening his look (also a gold chain and that is bumming me out cuz it's Glendale af) but STILL, my vagina reacted. Guys. Fuck.
ATL and ADTR were having an afterparty at Jack's bar but I didn't RSVP because I knew no one (aka Frances) was going to want to go. Towards the end of Blink, Ricky started texting me and we decided to meet up. To his credit, he tried to get us in with someone he has made friends with but that guy ditched us. Oh well. Also to his credit, I told him he could just go in with the guy if that was an option, but "There's nothing for me if you're not in there." Of course it wasn't mushy, but it was the cutest thing anyone has ever said.
We ended up at a diner and then chatting in my car till about 330am when I had to pee too bad to sit any longer. Up next on his plate is probably going to be banging a stripper. IDEK. I'd still be down to makeout with him but unless we have that talk I still don't think that's on the table. That kid is all over the place but he has become an important friend. He has gotten a million times better at listening to me, trying to react and ask questions. I've made a breakthrough with him! And that feels good. Both because I think that could be helpful for him and also because yo, I need someone to listen to me too.
On this day, Frances I and went from 0 Blink tickets for the second night to too many tickets. We both asked everyone we could at our jobs but nothing was looking good. Then I got a call from a radio rep. Eep! Finally, this goddamn job is getting me something! About 20mins later, Frances got confirmed from her hookup. Well, no surprise, her tickets were WAY better haha! We gave my shitty seats to a friend while we sat in snazzy close seats and ate free food in VIP. YAS.
My new motto? Catchphrase? Life theme? Access without ability. That's my life. I can get places and be around the people but then what? I have no ability to interact, nothing to offer, so, done. I don't beat myself up for this the way I used to but that doesn't mean that it doesn't fucking suck. Frances and I just watch all the people, some of whom I can name like a creepy motherfucker, and wonder what they talk about? She said, "I don't want 'friends,' I want friends." And it was a whole conversation I had with Ricky the night (morning) before wrapped up in one sentence. It feels good to have those friends.
Anyways, night 2 of ATL was brilliant. I kept joking it was going to change Frances' mind on them since she hasn't seen them since the FOB tour but that didn't really happen. Since this was their last night they did not give a fuck and it was perfect. They blabbed more like usual, Alex incredibly sweetly talked about this being their teenage dream, they covered a bit of "All the Small Things" (which is a terrible song BUT when Alex is singing it, usuing his legit singing ability, it's much better), covered a bit of "Hotline Bling" (again, Alex yaasss) and it ended with Hoppus and others pulling the clean-up prank during "Maria." Although Frances wanted to actually hear the song my heart SWOLE at hearing the barely full arena carrying the tune. Like, fuck man, I really do want that for that band so much. For now I'll happily continue adoring what they have. Next year could finally be their mainstream year and then we'll lose this forever so I do cherish it.
Also, based on Jack's stupid, moronic banter, Frances hated Jack even more. But, she did come out listening to them for a few days and finding songs she likes. I'm prrraayyying they play Troub in the Spring on the undplay tour they're doing. It's a high possibilty.
After ATL we chilled in VIP during ADTR because fuck that. Through the night we saw Tony from Motion City with his fiancee, saw Diaz come and talk to them...Diaz teching for Jack is weird and amazing dream for me?? We saw Nano, saw Jensen and of course, Jack was the only band boy to go in that room. LOL. I watched him mostly talk to the Emo Nite people, one random group of girls, and then not leave the Emo Nite girl alone. I already have stories of him bugging her, so to watch her literally try to get away from him and fail more than once was fucking hilarious. I had been drinking and also HI I'm obviously legit since I'm in there, and Frances is the actual best friend I have to talk me up for these things for some reason, so truly, I was ready to go say some shit to him. Sadly, we needed to get out for Blink. The room had almost entirely cleared out and we were just standing there watching Jack talk to Babs in a fucking corner. Womp womp. I know that I'm getting over him because I feel just a hint more brave.
And a few days later was Emo Nite. Jack had taken himself, Nano and their hot sound guy Phil (bitch Ryan Gosling) to Maui so I knew he wouldn't be around but Alex showed up. In one of my favorite text exchanges...
Ricky: WHERE ARE YOU HELEN (in 4 separate messages)
Me: Bathroom. Go be friend with singer atl (yes that's drunken typos)
Ricky: I ALREADY DID
It wasn't anything but he was introduced and made sure to tell me immediately. I saw Alex's snap about being there while I was in the bathroom, 2mins after he posted it. I swear I'm a creep even when I'm not trying!
But, Emo Nite. I thought I had completely talked myself out of going after last month being so weird. Well. Between Blink, taking a couple days off work for my mom's birthday, and knowing I had a show the next night, I figured why stop the party?? So I asked Ricky to be listed and decided it would be a better night. It was, mostly. Only 3 of his friends came, but probably the easiest ones to be around? I just like my small groups.
The night itself was fine and fun. No drama, new friends, drunk but not black out...which kind of makes this next part worse.
At 1am Captian Cuts comes on with the emo/pop-punk mixtape mashup. Ricky's black friend, Aaron, starts dancing with me. And then like, really dancing with me. Holding, kinda grinding? Like, what the hell, things are happening. And the thing is, I've thought before about the order in which I'd be willing to makeout with his group of friends. Is that weird? I'm sure it's weird but in that incestuous group it just happens! Aaron was at the bottom the totem poll. I did not want that. Give me Ricky, Kristina, Daniel, but not Aaron. Well, drunk me was drunk enough to make some weird conscious decisions but saying No all together was not one of them.
Like, I made the decision to go to the middle of the dancefloor to poignantly be away from the group. It was too fucking weird knowing Ricky was right there. Ugh. Aaannndd we madeout. Guys. You guys. My first makeout E V E R and I was drunk and dancing with someone I'd never do that with sober. I kind of barely even knew what was happening but that's definitely what it was. And it was seemingly sloppy and weird as fuck. So, there's that!!
I looked up at the stage and saw Daniel at one point before turning back around into Aaron. I had been chugging water for a while, made a bathroom stop and when I came out neither Ricky or Aaron were there for me to say bye to. Daniel was there and asked me if I was okay to drive (said yes but actually sat in my car for about 30mins), I said bye to a few others. It was around 130a when I finally left.
At this point, it's just hilarious and OMG I can't believe I finally had a normal experience/mistake. But also, what the fucking hell guys?? Also, why did it have to be the one boy I wasn't even remotely down with?
I've talked with Ricky since then, even mentioning to "never mention the end of the night" but his reply about Captain Cuts made me unsure if he knew what I meant. And for real, I'm not sure if he knows? Maybe he just doesn't care? No fucking clue. I'll find out when we hangout again, but we kinda failed on that last night and idk when he'll want to hang again. idk idk idk LOL.
The next night was Simple Plan with my faves, Hit the Lights opening. Overall, it was a nice, chill night. We laughed at kids, got down to HTL on the VIP deck, I joked around with my favorite security guard at Troub, we saw the most gorgeous boy who said Hi to us when walking to the car and just really, it was a cool night. It's nice to have a group of friends and also not give too many shits about the show itself. Chill vibe.
Then, we had the Cute is What We Aim for 10 year. It was the worst thing I have ever seen. The four of us were shook and left very upset. Shaant, who has been sober for like 8 years, was a sloppy mess. He was slurring everything and just a fucking disaster. He probably was drinking but also seemed like he was in slow-motion, like pills?? It was just awful to watch, and we would've left during the 3rd song had Kendra not wanted to stay. Jeff was trying so hard to keep the night going but it was just sad. I don't know about all that.
Before the show, everyone but Frances went to dinner where we saw my security boyfriend walking down the street. We waved at him and he stopped in for just a second and said hi.
Last night, Amber came over and got me stoned with edibles. But, not before Frances text me that security bf has been wanting to hit on me but wasn't sure if it was safe because of my ring. Damn, people always be thinking my ring is marriage/engagement. She told him he should've anyways! And like, okay. I kinda expected her to ask if she could give him my number or something but she didn't and I didn't offer. I'm not sure what his life is, he's metal, a bit white trash, no idea what the rest of his work-life looks like, but he's always really cool when I see him at the venue and he remembers me. He's very nice. So, like, yeah I guess man! I have no plans to go to the venue at all so idk if he's going to wait to hit on me in person or what.
The weed wasn't great. What Amber gave me was too strong. Once it kicked in my head felt very heavy and I started getting nauseous. I laid down, needing to close my eyes, and slept for about 6 hours. Amber woke me up when she left, I was super nauseous opening my eyes so I just adjusted my position and went back to sleep. I finally got off the couch around 330am and went right back to sleep in my bed. I felt groggy most of the day. Honestly I think I just got way too high. She left the chocolate here so maybe I'll try just a little piece. Meh.
So then. Jack is still my lovelust. Making out with boys who are not who I want to makeout with. Getting hit on by someone I don't want but am willing to try to be normal for once. Eating weed. It has been quite the 8 days.
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September 12th, 2016
| 12:05 am - Cleansed of Everything That We’ve Said
Starting to think the best thing about Emo Nite is that it gives me something to write about on a monthly basis. I'm straight killing it on entries this year. They're all a mess, but they're here. LJ in 2016 is in full effect.
After how good I seemed to think August was, this month was not. It was weird. The whole night was kinda weird.
I decided to go on a kick of "everyone else needs to make plans because I'm sick of always being the one to do everything." Wow did that backfire in my face. I didn't invite Kendra at all who probably would've went had I offered to pay. Frances didn't get out of work on time. No big deal, I'm comfortable with Ricky's friends now, right? Me being alone with them should be A+ and totally cool. Welp.
I get there and only one of them I know is in line, and she's pretty far back. One of the first things she says to me is that they're all on the guestlist. I'm suprised and try to play it off but am honest that Ricky didn't say anything at all to me, even though we'd talked that morning.
Soon enough, more of the group comes, which is still a couple of people short, but the rest I know. They got there late since one of them had to work, so, once they get there, they're obviously sober and need a little time to decompress from being in the car. Also, one of them asks me where my friends are. So now there are so many things creating a weird tone over being in line.
Everyone is sober, a little iffy, Ricky isn't meeting us outside at all so I'm without a single usual friend and am just taking my lone chances in the group, and I'm the only one not listed. Weird!
Right before getting in Amber texts me and I start to let loose on her with how weird I feel about everything. I'm taking it pretty hard because I kind of activetly made the choice to submerse myself in the group and it just isn't going at all how I expected. I was excited for fun and now am not so sure what's going to happen.
Once we get inside, I take a seat and actively avoid paying any attention to Ricky onstage. Shortly after, me and one of his friends who I only met the previous month start trying to find the best bar to get a drink. We walk to every single one and end up just giving up for a while because they're all too damn busy. I kind of feel like I had the most conversation and hangs with her, which is surprising since, like I said, she has been least familiar to me. But that was cool. Like, we didn't hug when she got there but I did hug her goodbye.
They are all kind of freaking out that it takes him longer than usual to join us, but I know he's busy. If he's not texting and not around it isn't because he's avoiding, it's honestly because he's focused on something. When he comes, he hands me a PBR. (last time we hung out we talked about how I think they suck but I'd still drink one of he was sneaking them out) But I'm standing kind of in the middle of everyone and against the wall, so he comes straight up the middle, parting everyone. This is definitely drunken focus, but I can see all of them watch this moment of him handing only me this beer, and they giggle at how I tuck it under my arm since I've already got a drink in hand. I wasn't upset about the guestlist before, but now I am.
So, I text him something crazy. He replies confused. I reply that it's okay I'm not on the guestlist since I've been on before but not mentioning it was shady. Which is true, I wasn't mad about not being listed, but not even letting me know that everyone else was just fucking sucked and I felt like I looked stupid. Ohhhh he did not like being called shady.
The thing is. A lot of my night, like last time, is pretty damn fuzzy. Like, I am missing entire parts of my night. My pre-entry drink + double dirty shirley + pbr and I am gone. So I have no idea how long before he comes back over but he does come and apologize, er, explain? You know when you're very drunk and things become sensory? I remember him being in front of me again, talk on my left side. I rememer kinda holding him by the waist maybe?? He definitely said "...you've been there." And I VERY drunkenly said, "IZZ FYYNE." I literally do no remember a single other part of that moment. Jesus christ.
Thankfully, he went to Bayside the next night and we talked a little more about it. Earlier in the day I text him telling him I was pretty sure he said things but I rememered none of them. He said we could talk about it again, but that we hugged a lot. I do not even know but I am a little embarassed. Not of my feelings, just how I approached them. Also, the drunkenness.
Adding to the nights weirdness we've got good old Cameron. He was far more present this time which I hated. I saw him with girls a few times, but he hung out with me for a bit. He also talked A LOT and I remember almost none of it. Both us in our intoxication. He talked to me about his friend wanting to hit on my friend. Uh, no. That girl in particular left kind of early in the night to go hang out with some guy anyways, which also added to the weirdness of the night.
When I left I saw Cam outside, across the way but we waved at each other.
I realize how grossed out I am by him going out. And honestly, most people, I guess? He and his friends strictly go out to find girls. Not necessarily to fuck with - or at least he didn't used to - but to find something with. I do get it. This is how normal people who have relationships do things and based on my hatred of dating apps, this is kind of what I want. I want to organically meet someone in real life, in person, in the world. But I guess that straight-forward prowl is just too much for me. It's OK and NORMAL and I'm still like EWW NO WHY. Ugh.
Me not being wanted by anyone in this goddamn world is another entry I'm trying to write, though.
Mostly, I need to turn the fuck down on my drinking. I had decided to take the day after Emo Nite off because last time I was hurtin' at work in hangover land and this time I also had Bayside the next night so I wanted to be able to rest. Well. Knowing I was going to rest and being upset I drank WAY too much. Add one more double dirty shirley to my previous total. So, essentially, that's like 6 drinks + 1 beer, cuz my pre-game drink is vvvvvvv strong. Between essentially blacking out through the night (????I don't like to say blacking out but it's accurate if you don't remember things right???) and going to sleep in my car for about 90mins after leaving the venue, I was a mess. And holy fuck was I a hungover mess the next day. I took the most difficult shower of my life trying to get ready for Bayside. I had to take a lot of lay down breaks in between hair and makeup. I didn't feel super okay till about 5pm. Even then, the lights at the venue did not feel great.
Guys, who am I? I know this is what people say everytime they're hungover, but I can't do that anymore. I've got to stop drinking once I'm drunk. I don't like not remembering. And if I were a different looking girl who boys were actually noticing I think my nights could be ending much worse. Getting a little scary when I don't have anyone by my side. Oof. I wanna quiet down the crazy not turn up the grabby/yelly/unsafe.
Soooo yeah. I guess that's that. I have to say, I have not given Amber nearly enough credit for spot on knowing exactly who Cameron and Ricky are just from the information I've given her. She has been saying Cam is an asshole pretty much since I first told her about him. And after everything recently, I now know she has been right. I've constantly forgiven him because of the person I got to see and share time with, and while he obviously does have that side of him, it's become more evident that he is a mostly a shithead. It's not like he hasn't told me this himself, but I guess until experiencing it first hand I was happy to know him as I did. Still, I am happy I got to see that side of him because I know it was genuine, but until he realizes how important that side of him is, he is going to keep being an asshole to the world.
Ricky, I keep trying to vilify. I have allowed myself to feel like garbage because of him so many times this year and what I've been doing is giving him too much credit. Now, I do think I should be able to expect more from him, but also, when he fucks up, it is not malicious or intentional, he really is just kind of fucking dumb.
When we talked at Bayside he realized that he messed up and made wrong assumptions. I watched his face and heard his voice - they were similar to when he admitted to not caring about my dumb texts when I HAD to call him out - which is that he only realized how he was being once I told him. So, he wasn't trying to exlude me and he wasn't trying to be a jerk by forgetting about me. Although I do want to be hurt and annoyed that he did, in fact, forget about me because hi, THAT SUCKS, you're my friend I want to be in your mind, I also get that his brain is all over the place. As Amber has said, he needs things spelled out for him. And it's true. This has been the basis for our new relationship all year - him not quite understanding what his actions are projecting. He is dumb. <3
I do live in a bit of fear constantly calling him out, though, and that's a conversation I'd like to have. I feel like I'm always being very dramatic. After my last Ricky meltdown, she told me how my feelings are valid and I should allow them to me and that's so true. Me calling myself dramatic is me acting like my feelings are valid and trying to play them off and I need to stop that. But, I also know how I can talk things in circles and into the ground until it's just not interesting or educational anymore so I'm also trying to avoid that. Meh. Now that he's not with that girl he's been trying to hang out with me more, but between being sick and having my mom visit I haven't been free. But at least he tries to initiate hanging out!
So many things y'all and at the same time nothing at all.
Oh oh oh. New All Time Low DVD. I don't have too many overwhelming feelings about it but I do love that band and think they deserve the fucking world. And they are definitely trying to get it. Do you, boys. All the hearts.
Oh yeah, and Bayside was fucking great! Singing songs about fucking hating yourself makes me smile so wide. Genuinely, just huge grins when I'd sing certain lyrics that felt so good and perfect. Gah! Too bad I barely remember Anthony (and Summer Set singer and Teen Wolf) DJing since I don't remember.
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August 27th, 2016
| 12:52 am - Just know I'll always have your back
We are in such an ugly fucking slump right now. The last month has been one big, hot mess and then this passed week absolutely took the crown on stupid, shitty things.
Work is goddamn miserable. I used to be miserable on my own accord of having a crazy brain and feeling useless because I was so bored. Welp, in the last 6 weeks we had 3 assistants quit. One gave a standard 2 week notice, one gave a month and one put in on Monday and was gone by Friday. I've gone from fully working about 7 days a month to working through my lunch hour every single day. I'm fucking drowning and one more assistant just quit.
It's not even just the sheer amount of work I have now, but there are a lot of things I don't fully understand and don't have a lot of help to ask/get trained. That is frustrating. I've been wanting to leave for almost a whole year now and haven't tried at all. With things being insane, and, unfortunately, for reasons unknown, my boss being extremely lazy about trying to hire, I really need to get out.
For the most part, I have given up on my label internship dream. I'm just very unsure about it all and of course, scared. I still know I should try. There is nothing at all to lose by trying. But, I'm just such a peice of shit.
Semi-surprisingly, the other extremely shitty thing has been boys. The same ass boys that don't even matter, at that. But first, Emo Nite. Man oh man, the last one.
Ricky had a friend there from out of town with some other friends so he was honest in not being able to guestlist me. No probs. I was excited to go hang with his friends in line. Now that I'm comfortable with them, I genuinely miss that. I wasn't doing it when I was listed cuz I didn't want anyone thinking it was weird that I was listed, although Ricky has his obvious reaons for it being me usually, we both agreed maybe they don't need to know.
I made some strong Honey Jack/Sprites and Kendra helped me walk them over. Ricky was out with them when we rolled up, but that wouldn't have mattered to me anyways. I greeted everyone with hugs, did my best to give away drinks and started on my own. Well, I took too many (also they were drinking their own already) so I ended up drinking 2. I was pretty smashed by the time we even got inside, but so was everyone else and I realized how much I love that. Kendra was sober and being weird, Frances rolled up right as we were walking in so she was also sober, but the rest of like 8 of us were going.
A lot of my night is real, real fuzzy. I also kind of love that and am amused. Snapchat gave me important things. I do remember Cameron coming right up to me, but as he did Good Charlotte was coming up so I ended up screaming in his face and climbing on the wall where we stand to see them. Instead of DJing, Benji and Joel did 3.5 acoustic songs and it was pretty magical. They are truly so great. Right after, I checked Snapchat and of fucking course Jack was there.
I remember dragging Kendra and Frances upstrairs just to look around and then dragging them into a photobooth for hilarious pics. I remember Ricky's friend Daniel suddenly being there and kinda frantically telling me Jack was downstairs DJing. We run down, and as we're getting over there we see there are tons of people on stage, he tells me, "You can't seem him but I swear he's up there!" I laugh and tell him I believe him.
We get over to our spot, everyone else gone. At some point, I remember kissing him on the cheek to thank him for coming to tell me, because even later when sober, I am fairly sure he came to find me JUST to tell me about Jack, which is embarrassing for me but so sweet of him! He asked me why I don't go on stage and get a photo. "Oh no! I don't go up there! And I don't want a photo...I just want to fuck him." Guys, when will I stop telling the entire world that??
Jack, from what I remember, didn't mouth off bunch of annoying shit for once which was nice.
When the three of us decided to leave I wanted to say bye to everyone. We head upstairs but I only see Cameron and his friend. I go to him and I remember telling him he always acts weird and he hugs bad. I grabbed his friend to show him how to hug normal? Then Ricky was there so I told him I had to say goodbye to my "real friend." The shade.
We go downstairs where everyone is back in the spot, I say bye, and head out. I was confident in driving home and Kendra was completely sober and didn't say anything to me, but idk, so much of my night seems fuzzy.
Ricky has been pretty distant and honestly, I was getting used to that. Things were kind of going back to normal, or at least to the casual, passing way I think they should be. Then this passed weekend was a shitshow.
He spent a couple hours Friday night into Saturday morning texting me about the girl he's been seeing since his birthday and how he's not into her. Okay. The next night I'm out with Ashley and he's updating me about calling her to break it off. Okay. I try to make plans to hang with him once I get home but it's around 11pm, he bitches out and we make plans for the next day.
We hang at my place, just chatting a litte and flipping between movies. We head out to a comedy show in Silver Lake which was overall pretty damn great, and especially for $10. Of course, I buy us a couple drinks, but it's my choice, no probs. I am fine, but when driving home I can just tell he's a little looser and that's nice. It really takes a while to get him there.
We get back to my place and despite me previously telling him I couldn't hang out afterwards because I needed to be in bed at a decent time, I invite him in anyways. The next 3 hours of conversation (without even turning the tv on am I a weirdo?) pretty much blow my mind and destroy all of the nice and innocent things I thought about him and his friends.
He starts telling me all the details of one of his friends he recently has hooked up with (they've known each other since high school, she currently lives in Portland, it was weird for a minute but seems to be okay). This girl is good friends with the 2 girls I've come to know. One of them really likes Ricky, they've kissed, but that's not going to be a thing. The other has put interest out there and tried to sleep with him, but Daniel likes that girl. So that's a weirdness for a total of three friends if they hookup.
Now, this is all crazy to me, as I've never had a normal social life/group of friends, but not even what gets me the most. He proceeds to tell me a story about a few years ago when he got with a girl and messed up a friend group. "I was shunned for like a year."
A group of them went to Vegas, TOOK XSTACY (this is a kid who earlier in the night was talking to me about not knowing anything about alcohol and knows he's such a lightweight) he and this girl were getting scandlous in a club, everyone left them alone and they ended up hooking up. Oh yeah, she had a boyfriend.
I flat out tell him how this is blowing my mind. How we've spent a lot of time together now and we talk a lot and I would've never imagined he wasn't fairly innocent. Yes, I thought he was innocent! Huh!?
Something in all of this makes me decide to derail the conversation to me. Like I did that one time in text. It honestly goes just about as well. A few times through the night I told him he doesn't listen to me when I talk and he just kept proving that.
At this point, I again tell him about how he barged into my everyday life and I really thought that meant something. I end up telling him how I know he texts me when he's crazy/bored/needing attention and I do my best to reply to him like a good friend but he doesn't do the same and it sucks. He has a moment of telling me to screenshot when this has happened.
I say something about him not caring and not trying when I text him about my bullshit.
He has this look on his face, a semi-grin. At first he just kind of awkwardly smirks and makes a noise. He doesn't want to lie to me. Says, "Yeah...?" and I tell him it's better if he just admits it.
He admits it. Without any additional words, admits he texts me for attention and doesn't care about me texting him. Admits everything I have been saying for months. Admits to all the shit I've been letting him get away with because he is a cute boy.
After, "Yeah, I admit it," he immidiately rolls into the next converstion, the next story about a new girl hitting him up. It all happens so fast I can't even do anything more than roll with it. What the fuck.
Look, I know he's not confrontational and that's not what I was expecting. But there was no apology, no ackowledgement of being shitty or questioning of my feelings. He just moved on. It wasn't until he left and I was alone that how fucking shitty that whole moment was hit me.
The next morning, it hit me even harder and I had a nice little breakdown the whole drive to work, while texting Ashley.
Since then he has text me a few times but they've all been things in my interest, not random conversation. My responses are minimal and I sure as hell am not texting him just because.
That Friday, Cameron starts texting me in the morning. Says he going to The Riff that night. As usual, we have a full on conversation for much of the day. Towards the end of the day he sends me a snap that I decide to have Amber watch with me. It's him standing in just a t-shirt (the 2Pac shirt I saw him in the first time I saw him at Emo Nite) with a caption "when you wake up in this shirt." He's standing in a hilarious, flirty girl way. So, it's a joke! But! It's also, wtf!
Now, almost a week prior to this, I snapped him something once and then he continued a conversation (with selfies! I never send selfies) for the whole weekend. He ended up sending me a shirtless pic (which I pathetically died over because goddamn his body luk gud) to point out his sunburn. Huuuh.
So, now we're 2 suspicious pictures in and I'm losing it. To my credit, I did flirt a little after both pics (mention I wanted to screenshot the shirtless one and joking that the shirtless one was better than the pantless one). By the end of the night, while I driving for 2 hours, he snapped me 2 pics (just randomly of a dog) and chatted. Honestly, putting in so much damn effort.
I finally reply to his last text, acknowleding he's out, but ending it with how we should hang out. Now, he doesn't text back till 3pm the next day. 3pm?? Really tho? So again, I'm nervous because this is just like last time. I suggest we hang out and all of a sudden he isn't responding.
When he finally does, we talk about potential weekday hangs as he's busy on the Sunday I suggest. (lol the Sunday I hung with Ricky) We chat a bit but it dies off into the night.
Around 11pm, when I'm almost home from Ashley's, I get a drunk text. Drunk texts about how there are so many Asian girls at the bar, he has fallen in love with one that looks like a more asain nance, and "lill me." This sends me reeling. I'm upset, annoyed and amused. I reply, "Ohhh we've progressed to drunk texts now? That's cooooool...... Wish they weren't about your ex tho 😏"
btw, I tell Ricky a dude I used to like is drunk texting me about his ex and BIG FUCKING SHOCK he's no help in any kind of way at all.
Cam never replies to me so I know he knows he fucked up. Monday, especially after the Ricky disaster, I decide to just lay everything out for him.
"Heeey so. When I said I wa gonna text you last week it was actually about how I always appreciated you being honest with me and not being afraid to call me on my shit. I never have enough of that in my life and really wish ppl would just grow a pair and not be afriad to tell me when I'm being a jerk. Semi related... I don't want you to think I was just being bitchy about your drunk text. I was but I've got my reasons. I knowww you're not over Nance and that shit fucking sucks. Genuinely sorry. It's awful. I'm sure you probably still have a lot of shit to talk about/talk through/literally cry and be sad about. And I know I asked some questions and kinda opened up the opportunity for you to talk about that, my fault. I wish I could be that friend for you with all that but tbh I just can't. I was really into you and even tho that was a while ago there's still something that feels super shitty about getting a whiny drunk text. Shouldn't be a big deal but doesn't feel great. Still think it would be rad to actually be normal friends n shit but you seemed kinda apprehensive about that after I left Buffalo and I'm not trying to force some weirdo hangout. Maybe that only worked best in small doses in a supervised space. Or in long texts 😝 Sorry if this is incredibly dramatic 😂 buuut felt like I needed to.
50minutes later
"I'm glad to hear my straight forwardness is appreciated because a lot of people cant handle it. I try to hold back my whiny texts as much as possible but i cant so i am sorry for that. Its fine dont worry about it being dramatic ive had more dramatic [texts?] before and always been able to make things normal after. I didnt talk to you because when I was with nancy we were always together and she didnt even like me talking to me best friend so when we were together i just was cut off from every body its nothing personal"
In the span of about 13 hours both these motherfuckers managed to completely, 100% disregaurd my feelings. I truly did not know something could feel so incredibly bad but holy shit. People, dudes, just not showing even a hint of giving a fuck about you is disgusting and terrible. I've spent a lifetime making myself feel like garbage all the time, I do not need anyone's help.
I didn't text him back because well, I said everything I needed to. I've got nothing else. I will no longer make time for these people who can't even care about me as a friend. Be a good fucking friend! He sent a bizarre montage of funny snap videos yesterday. While I'm sure he sent them to other people he could've easily not included me at all. I wonder if he read into my not responding. I always respond, and now, I'm not.
The finale peice to my puzzle of total bullshit this week is hitting a car. It's minor damage but nonetheless needs to be reported to my insurance so I can get my little dent and paint fixed. Nothing to blame, just me not driving as well as I do the other 99.9%. So there goes at least $1,000 to my deductible and whatever else to future increased payments.
This week, this month, this fucking year is garbage.
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