Okay, time to update the old "about me" page again. As a disclaimer, I haven't updated this journal in a long time. I'm not ready to say goodbye to it yet, however. I started it in 2002, and it holds a lot of memories. I'm toying with the idea right now of returning to it, even if most of LJ is a ghost town now, but we'll see.

( All About RachaelCollapse )

I thought it was time to create a master list for my fics, so here's where I do that. These will be separated by show & listed in the order in which they were written:

Bones:

One Eye Pointed Upwards

Sunlight on a Broken Column

The Candle in His Hand

Leaves Got Up in a Coil and Hissed

Abandon

Doing Time

Collide

Cradle and All

Battlestar Galactica:

Bend Down and Whisper

The X-Files:

Epiphany

Three Wishes

Shouting Into a Hurricane

Lift Your Head Up in the Wind

Below, you'll find a list of the personal poems & free-verse, autobiographical stories I've written over the last handful of years -- I'll share them in the order in which they were written:

Curtain Call (Letter to a Lost Soul)

Crevasse

Abandoned Spaces

The Walking Wounded

Castles in the Sand

In Pursuit of Happiness

Sometimes the Light at the End of the Tunnel is Just Another Train

Things to Remember

My Life is More Than an Equation

Daring to Survive

The Weight of the World

Blood in the Water

Waiting For the Boom

Scars

Make a Wish

The Me That You See

Worthy

Better Than a Fairy Tale

I See You

Paper Cranes

Castaway

Before the Fall

Already Gone

Hello, all! Some of you long-time friends of mine might remember how I used to do "Year in Review" posts every January, and how in 2009/2010 I actually did an overly ambitious Decade in Review (for those who are curious, here's Part One and Part Two from that), which involved gathering together excerpts from all my most notable journal entries between 2002 (when I started my journal) and 2009. Even though hardly any of my old online pals ever visit LJ anymore (it's just me and the Russians now, lol), and even though my "real life" friends might take a look at the length of this post and run screaming in the opposite direction, I still felt drawn to making another Decade in Review post this year. I'm sure it will be the last of its kind that I do on LiveJournal because frankly I'd be surprised if the site were even still around five years from now, let alone ten. But anyone who knows me well knows I'm resistant AF to change. So I will probably be clutching onto this site 'til the very end, whenever that is.

Anyway though. God, ramble much? My point is: This post contains memorable or significant quotes from entries I wrote over the past 10 years. There is a lot of vulnerability in here, and it gets dark at points. So if you're dealing with depression or self-harm yourself, you may want to set this aside to read at a later date. But if you do feel up to reading this, my hopes would be that people leave with a better understanding of who I am, what I've been through, and why recovery means so much to me. So much of it is hard to explain now, but I managed to do a pretty good job of it at the time.

P.S. Also? It's been my dream since I was a teenager to someday write and publish my own memoir, so if people find this engaging to read, that will boost my confidence a little bit in that area. You never know! Maybe one of these days, I'll do it.

( Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time:Collapse )

And that's it, folks! If any of you actually read this to the end, I commend you! I know it's long as hell, but hopefully it speaks to someone, somewhere. I'm glad I didn't know 10 years ago everything I'd have to go through between then and now, but I'm also proud of how I've grown and evolved. It shows me that changes for the better are possible, even if they are utterly unforeseen and long overdue. I hope that 10 years from now, I'm able to say the same thing.

It's been a long time since I posted, and even longer since I shared any type of creative writing with you guys (I think like half a year?), but I recently completed a poem about my stepbrother, and I'd like to make it public as I have with most of my other poems/fics. I would promise to be back soon with an update about other life happenings, but all I can say is that between grief and the fact that my disability case is being reviewed (and thus could be abruptly taken away), I am pretty well off my game. So I may be back quickly or I may go another month. I have no idea. I will try to make it sooner rather than later though.

( Can't you see? This boat is sinkingCollapse )

Hello, people. I know I haven't posted in a while -- I just haven't felt like going to the trouble, especially because there are so few people left now to read it, let alone people who actually comment. But I finished a new poem, mainly inspired by the 5-year anniversary of my mom's death (this coming-up Monday), and I thought I might as well share it along with some quick highlights of what's been going on with me.

-I performed at a talent show at the Alano Club here in Portland this past Saturday, reading this poem, and got a great reaction. I even made one woman cry! (I probably shouldn't be so happy about that, haha) I feel proud of myself for doing it, because it took a lot of guts in my opinion, and it reaffirmed for me my dreams of becoming a published writer. So all in all it was a positive experience.

-I went to an orientation last week at the 13 Salmon Family Center (a day shelter for homeless families provided by Portland Homeless Family Solutions), and my first shift will be in April. They don't require a huge time commitment -- they just ask for volunteers to do at least one shift a month, which can be anytime. The two positions I'm interested in (I can go back & forth) are the afternoon host & the kid-time host, neither of which last more than 3 hours (which is important to me as I don't want to overwhelm myself). The duties are super simple, and mainly include hanging with the families, playing with the kids, and putting together snacks. I'm still a little nervous about it, though, but also excited. Portland has a huge homeless problem that's only gotten a million times worse over the last decade or so, largely thanks to the huge influx of people moving here from out-of-state, and I just want to do something to help. Plus, it will hopefully provide me with a greater sense of purpose, being unemployed & on disability myself, and maybe in the long run could provide a stepping stone to at least get back to doing part-time work.

-I have an appointment tomorrow with a weight loss program at my doctor's office. It's only an orientation though -- just a chance to talk about what the program has to offer, and what the costs would be. I'm still totally undecided as to whether I'll move forward with it, but I felt like it was worth my time to at least look into it. My last time on the scale was a rude awakening; I am literally more than double what I once was. It's not even about wanting to look skinny again though. I mean, yes, I would like that to happen, but mainly I'm just tired of being tired. I feel so heavy, like I'm dragging around another person with me everywhere I go, and in a sense I guess I am. So I'm curious what they would have to say, especially in light of the fact that some of my meds are probably exacerbating the problem (both the fatigue & being hungry all the time). I'm not really at a place where I'm ready to change those meds yet, but I'd like to know if they have strategies I could use to fight those side-effects until I am ready.

-As I said above, it will be the 5th anniversary of my mom's death on 3/27. My emotions have been pretty volatile for most of this month, and I've been left feeling very drained & raw. It's hard to even write about it, honestly. I just feel like I'm constantly reliving that devastating day (or recalling good memories & then having it be like, "YOU KNOW THAT CAN NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN, RIGHT?"), and so it's been a challenge at times to stay grounded in the present moment. I had a ridiculous meltdown over nothing yesterday, and while talking about it later my counselor was like, "Do you think it could be that you're just deeply sad?" And it was like, well, considering how much my heart physically hurts right now, I'd say probably yeah. It sucks.

Part of what's been making it hard is the fact that it's been FIVE YEARS. It just feels like some messed-up milestone--half a decade without her existing anywhere on this whole planet--and it's so depressing. I can usually get myself to feel some peace around her passing now by remembering she's no longer struggling, but right now I just feel like the most stubborn of shit. It's a little scary, too, because it's only the second anniversary I've actually gone through since her death without the use of Klonopin. So even though the emotions might be totally normal, they FEEL super intense. But I'm handling it, and I haven't used or self-harmed, so I'm calling that a win.

-I was going to write about TV too (I finally finished Six Feet Under & have a lot of feels), and I also have a lot more real-life stuff I could ramble on about, but I think the above is enough for now. Lastly, here is the poem I wrote this week. It's not much, but it's the first creative thing I've completed in months, so I'll take it!

( Before the FallCollapse )

I owe you guys a post about the holidays, but I have something else to share first. I haven't tapped into my creative side in months, and I decided this week to try to rectify that. It's pretty crappy (as far as I can tell), but it's still something, which is better than nothing. I could continue editing it to death, but in the past I've gotten some of my best feedback when I left things raw. So I'm posting this poem-ish thing as is, and hopefully it resonates with at least one of you. It's kind of dark, but that's because the holidays stirred up a lot of grief & anxiety for me. Ironically I'm feeling better today, but maybe that's because I expressed myself here. Yay for angst? Heh.

( Pinpoints of lightCollapse )

I'm feeling disappointed today, because my migraines have been kicking my ass for the past three days (ever since I got out of treatment, though I'm not sure if the two are connected -- maybe the stress of coming home & being alone again is getting to me? I don't know. They have been getting better later in the day, which is not how the bad ones normally go; enough to where I've been able to attend meetings in the evenings & connect with people, but that's not the same as being surrounded by supportive friends all day long & feeling sheltered in a safe environment. I feel lonely now in comparison, yearning just for someone to even watch TV with me, and I would call someone, but talking hurts when I'm trying to recover from a bad migraine, and the people I met in treatment who understand chronic pain are still patients there, meaning I'm not allowed to contact them yet. All that said, it might also just be hormones, because it is that time of the month, and the weather changing doesn't help either), and I really want to write or vlog about my experiences in detox but I just don't feel up to it (too much thinking -- focusing is hard when I'm in pain), which is frustrating & hard to deal with as well (not being able to do what I want due to migraines is one of my triggers, especially when it goes on & on for days. It makes me feel so trapped & powerless, which only leads to me feeling like beating my head against a wall, self-harming, or using. On top of that, my migraines were so much better while I was in the hospital--I was taking half as much excedrin as usual, which I ascribed in part to them increasing both my propanolol & verapamil--so even if this flare-up is temporary, it still feels like a big let-down that they're worse again right now). I also wanted to go see my sister & the kids tonight, and despite the fact that the migraine has at least improved to tolerable levels, I know I will only worsen it if I go over there. I am going to try to take a short walk in a minute, but anything beyond that would likely be too much. So I'm pretty much stuck here doing a whole lot of nothing for the time being, and I have to just accept that & try to make the best of it. I'm planning to Netflix & chill, but unfortunately only the literal version. I got into The Tudors there, and I've also been sucked into Stranger Things, so I'll probably spend the rest of my day jumping back & forth between both.

Complaining aside, though, I do at least feel up to sharing the poem I wrote while in the hospital (well, the rough draft anyway. I don't have a copy of the final draft, but I'll try to remember how it went). Among the people I befriended, there was a woman who encouraged me to try writing again, and her situation inspired me enough to break free of the writer's block I've been experiencing for the better part of a year. As background info for the topic: she lost her twin brother to suicide, and that stuffed grief/loss-of-identity-as-a-twin seemed to me to be a huge part of what drove her to drink. The purple skies are a reference to an experience she had doing music therapy & using visual imagery for meditation, and the title is a reference to a dream she had once (leading her to think of cranes as her spirit animals, which sounds cheesy to some of you, I know, but no judgment here as I personally think of black jaguars as mine for similar reasons). I felt very insecure after writing it, but it made her cry, and she--along with everyone else in the unit with whom she shared it--told me my writing was good enough to be published, and that bolstered my self-esteem quite a bit. She also wrote me a note afterward, which said:

"You are an absolute angel. Thank you for blessing me with your talented piece of writing. It is rare when one has eyes that can see deeply into the soul, and put words to it!"

She also left a quote at the bottom by Walt Whitman: "I am bigger than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness."

So, yeah, it turned out to be a really special thing, because it clearly touched her (she told me she would save it for the rest of her life), and it made me feel so, so good as a result.

Anyway, here it is:

( In the beginning...Collapse )

Title: Lift Your Head Up in the Wind
Fandom: The X-Files
Author: rachg82
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Mulder/Scully
Word Count: roughly 2,649
Spoilers: I'd planned this fic before the revival happened, and it was my take on the spoilers I'd heard at the time. Then the new season came & went, and my writer's block stuck around. I decided in the end to leave my version of events unchanged by the episodes which aired, so I suppose in a way this could be construed as AU.
Summary: Finally, this is that sequel I promised way back in November for Shouting Into a Hurricane, though you could easily get away with reading it all by itself. It's basically a story of grief & love expressed in five acts.

Note: As with my previous stories, this ficlet's format is largely free-verse. Not to be obnoxiously ~different~, but because it's simply what comes most naturally for me. The cadence of how my words "sound" in the reader's mind is very important to me as a writer.

Warning: This piece does deal with a major character death (but not Mulder or Scully! Don't worry), and I'd like to dedicate it to the memory of my mother. The 4-year anniversary of her death just passed on Easter, and writing these words was a form of catharsis for me.

( Seven times I went down; six times I walked backCollapse )

Title: Shouting Into a Hurricane
Fandom: The X-Files
Author: rachg82
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Mulder/Scully
Word Count: 4,600 words
Spoilers: Oh, yes. This entire thing is simply my speculation based solely on the spoilers that have come out for the upcoming revival. Consider yourselves warned.
Summary: Happily-ever-after sometimes comes with a detour.

Note: As with my previous stories, this piece was written largely in free-verse. Not to be pretentious, but because my brain is a weirdo, basically. Just go with it.

Also, I originally intended for this fic to go on longer than it did. Then I realized that I'd already written its ending, and that what remained would be better suited as a sequel. So hopefully that should be on its way soon-ish.

( Life will find a wayCollapse )