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qreat

[ website | this might make more sense ]
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(no subject) [Feb. 21st, 2010|06:16 pm]
qreat
[Current Mood |sadlost]

this past week i've tried to do nothing except push everyone away as far as i could (well, and homework). i don't know why exactly. maybe because everyone adds to my stress more than i'd like them to. even elisha sitting in here being herself adds to my stress.

today i realized i'm still just as fucked up as i was 5 years ago. i just know how to handle things better so it seems like it's gone away or covered up or hidden or something. but no, it's still there. and i hate relying on medicine. but i can't be a hypocrite. and i'm smarter than that any way.

i started to drive away today but forced myself to go to the park. you'd figure a beautiful, warm, sunny day like this would keep me happy no matter what. but i can't control my moods anymore, only my chemical imbalance (i lost my breath a little typing those words). i don't like college anymore. i don't like it here. i only like 4 people here. and the others i think i like i don't really know so what do they mean to me? not much. i wish them the best but they're not a part of my life.

i'm not depressed or sad or anything like that. i'm just lost. i feel like i've forgotten how to swim and i know that this huge sea monster is about to come swallow me up whole. i still know who i am, i think. well of course i do. i know who i am. i just don't fit in here or something. i don't even know.

i just want you to hold me.
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(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2010|07:37 pm]
qreat
i've been finding myself getting very nervous and skeptical about my major. i get really excited about biology and medical terminology, and i'm really good at both of them if i just pay attention, but i don't know. i just don't really know how i feel about it anymore. anything that i really want to do, like really want to do, i can't because i won't make a living and be able to support my family the way i want to. it doesn't bother me to sacrifice my happiness for that much alone, i guess it still just makes me a little sad or disappointed. that's just something i'll have to get over, i guess.
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(no subject) [Feb. 8th, 2010|01:50 pm]
qreat
i'm sorry i've had a quiet mind lately. i just don't feel much like talking.. like normal i guess. i dunno. it's still hard work to talk about my feelings.
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(no subject) [Feb. 1st, 2010|04:20 pm]
qreat
[Current Mood |blankhmm]

reading back over what i wrote in my last entry it might have sounded like i don't want to see you, but i was really only implying that i don't want to try to do anything this week that i'm not required to try to do. i love being with you and i was definitely not saying that i don't want to spend time with you. i love you.
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(no subject) [Jan. 31st, 2010|07:15 pm]
qreat
[Current Mood |moodymoody]

i don't want to have to try and talk about my feelings this week. i don't want to have to try to do anything besides homework or go to class.
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(no subject) [Jan. 28th, 2010|08:42 pm]
qreat
[Current Mood |pissed offpissed off]

well that's cool! make me feel like shit for barely hanging out with you, yeah, and then after i cancel other plans to be with you just go right ahead and forget 10 minutes after we make them and invite someone else over. that's not a douche bag move. i really don't feel insignificant. asshole.
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(no subject) [Jan. 28th, 2010|12:18 pm]
qreat
[Current Mood |rushedrushed]

i feel very overwhelmed. i just have so much to do. it's not even too much for me to handle, i just can't get myself motivated and then it all gets backed up and i don't even know. today i have three classes all stupidly spaced an hour apart, i have to hang out with chango, i have a quiz in med. term., i need to find time to hang out with adam because i can tell he's lonely and he's still my best friend and i need to make time for him, and i am getting behind in math, and i'm drinking tonight. and i'm just so tired. i am taking a nap today. i will make time for it. i might sleep between math and med. term. idk. if gene comes to aduc for lunch i won't. well i might an yway, i will have someone to watch my stuff when i sleep.

i can't wait to go home. ergh. i love to be at college but i just need to be alone. i love being with gene and elisha and tyler when i see him but gosh i just need to be alone. i'm starting to get itchy for it. and i just need my own bed. i feel exposed. i know it's better for my relationship and stuff to just talk about how i feel but now i feel like there's nothing left of myself for just me to know.

i guess i will do whatever i need to.
even if it's not what i want to do.
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(no subject) [Jan. 27th, 2010|02:21 pm]
qreat
[Current Mood |excitedantsy]

doesn't remind me - audioslave
lack of color - death cab
speeding cars - imogen heap
going to california - led zeppelin
the man comes around - johnny cash
we are going to be friends - white stripes
help i'm alive - metric
what a wonderful world - that one israel guy
mushaboom - feist
train song - vashti bunyan
better together - jack johnson
3 weeks, she sleeps - blue october
dearest - buddy holly
samson - regina spektor
be ok - ingrid michaelson
the king of carrot flowers - neutral milk hotel
seventeen - meredith bragg and the terminals

that's an intimidating list.

and there are still some i don't remember.

...sigh.
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(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2010|12:54 pm]
qreat
today a snowflake landed in my eyelashes. it made me smile. then it started snowing harder. egh... that's not what i was implying, mother nature.
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(no subject) [Jan. 25th, 2010|11:05 am]
qreat
[Current Mood |contentcontent]

i feel so much better after letting you in.

the way you smell lingers on me. i should be able to sleep well.

i'm sorry i blinded you this morning but i am sooo not sorry for opening those blinds. the sun is beautiful! did you not feel the warmth of it? it's one of my favorite feelings in the world.
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