1. my home is organized, efficient, and beautiful in a way that is conducive to productivity, joy, and easeful living.


2. i have found an exercise routine that works for me. I engage in regular movement that is enjoyable and can see my strength build and my flesh contour.


3. i relish my time on my own, the joy of deeply loving myself. i use alone time to care for myself, take myself out on dates, and just be.


4. my life is filled with love from friends — the ones i talk to, think of, and regularly see.


5. i am committed to my spiritual growth — my tarot, astrological, earth-based and hindu-informed practices are giving me clarity and connection to the beyond.


6. i am financially secure — i can comfortably manage my bills, pay off debt, and have money for fun.


7. me, pinky, and jaya have a beautiful rhythm when they are with me — we have fun, joy, and deep connection.


8. i am open to love from those who can and do love me back the way i need — both in feeling and in action.


9. my career is thriving — my reputation is growing, my schedule is full, my workshops are in demand. i do great work with clients and people know it.


10.  i am regularly engaged in hobbies, interests, activities, and events that bring me both joy and fulfillment.


11. i am confident in my work — i am engaging in professional development that feeds my practice and my interests, and benefits clients. 


12. i am grateful to be alive.

i talked to your mom today.

she said hearing from me cheered her up. she asked about michael and the kids. 

why does it still ache so much? i don't want to say goodbye to you. 

i have to admit. i wanted her to say that i was the one you loved the most. 

i know i'll never have answers, really. sharon said you were intimidated by me — by the life i had outside of you. there was fear i'd just leave. 

your mom said you broke up with n when you were in manchester because, at the time, you wanted someone a little more exciting. and i know that's when you started being with me again. 

i don't know.

i wish you were here. i wish i could just ask you. 

i wish there were some answers. 

radical acceptance of the unknown. 

it's 2024 and i'm sitting here in the basement, listening to radiohead's pablo honey while avoiding work. 

i'm not in my 20s anymore. not even my 30s.

i'm 42, going on 43.

so much of this journal is a record of owen. 

my chest collapses as i write his name. still. 20 years later. i'm married to someone else and i have 2 kids and my heart aches for owen.

that story is as over as over can be, though. he's not alive anymore. he struggled with alcohol. his wife left him. he didn't see his kid often. he spent his money on rehab. then he got back together with someone dated way back when and they were in love and then he died. 

i found contentment and joy with my family. i hope he did, too.