Category: Gift Journal

Mother’s Day Special

Being a mom is singularly the most difficult and most rewarding job I’ve ever had. It’s kept me up at night, made me cry with joy, made me laugh so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. It has changed me so profoundly I can feel it in every breath. It is a spiritual challenge as big as any I’ve faced and taught me more than anything ever has.

So as is my tradition here is a list of things I’ve learned from being a Mom:

1. You don’t have to know it all right now you just have to be willing to learn. Every day. As they grow, you will too. You are going to make mistakes. Stay committed to learning and it will be okay.

2. Give up on sleep. They will keep you up at night as babies, needing you there. They will keep you up as teenagers because they don’t. And as they get older their problems will get bigger. Raise them to be strong and willing to work hard and learn. They will figure it out.

3. Worry doesn’t change the outcome but you’ll do it anyway.

4. Yell less. They hear you. They won’t tell you that until they are 25, but they hear you.

5. Listen with your heart. You aren’t always going to like them. But if you listen with love that love will prevail.

6. It goes without saying to be present with all the little things. You will miss them.

7. Sometimes you will wonder how you can love someone so intensely and want to kill them at exactly the same time.

8. Don’t ask why they did it. The answer will only make you more terrified and angry.

9. Your job is never done. As my mother said ‘You never stop worrying the problems just get bigger. ’ My mother is a realist. She couldn’t write a Hallmark Card to save her life. But she is the one who taught me that motherhood was hard and to never stop learning so im thinking there is a wisdom in this too.

10. Motherhood is a long process of letting go at the right time. If you do it for them they will think you don’t think they are capable. They are meant to fall and learn, just as you were.

11. My job is never done. I am mentoring them in each stage of their lives as they enter them behind me. They will make mistakes and do some things better than I ever could. As long as I’m here I will be watching over them and loving them. When I’ve left this plane I will be the brightest star in the sky loving them from the hereafter. I did good.

So Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there. Whether you brought them into the world or just played a part in guiding them through it, you matter. Keep doing what you do. It matters.

The Thing I learned When Someone Died.

ageHey beautiful world, do you ever think how lucky you are, just for this day? Every time I see this meme I think of the people I have lost far too young. And for a moment, I grieve. Then I think of what they have taught me, about life, about courage, about gratitude, and joy. I think of the echos of their lives are like wind chimes in a breeze in my life, and I am grateful. I think of their families, that have become part of mine. I think of how I would not have d…one one single thing differently. I would not have spared my heart from the loss, if I had known what was coming.

Then I think of what age has given me: perspective, patience, wisdom, and grace. I am better at making mistakes now. I jump in sooner, not later. I don’t have time to hesitate. And if I fall flat on my face, I am still five feet nine inches ahead of where I started. I do not worry as much. Everyone has their path dictated by their own soul and the music that plays in their own heart. And mostly I have learned more compassion for myself and others. I set boundaries sooner but with a bit more gentleness than I had in the past. And I am emphatic about those boundaries. Never again will I not care for myself for the sake of others. I am useless broken, defeated, or exhausted.

And I relish my changes. The grey hair peeks out from my part and I think is today the day I let it grow out? If it glowed white I would. I love the laugh lines around my eyes…what put them there was worth it…every damn line was worth it. I would take nothing back, not one moment, not one year. Each moment encapsulates a miracle gifted to me by the Divine. To regret the years, the wrinkles, the aches is to say I would give up what put them there.

Life is a miracle we waste time complaining about. It is one hundred percent of our own making. What is outside us is beyond our control. What is inside us is what defines it. I intend every day, to be defined by gratitude and joy. And if someone sees a crazy middle aged woman dancing on a street corner maybe they will join in….

Life is too short not to.

The blessing of today

  1. FB_IMG_1488684420586Today I love my life. It isn’t true every day but today it is and I realized what a fabulous moment that was.  It wasn’t a really exceptional day.  I did my laundry, cleaned a bit, listened to the birds sing as I drank coffee  and watched the sun rise.  I talked to my son and two friends on the phone.  I read a book and spent time with my neighbor.  She makes me laugh.  It was very ordinary and yet it was spectacular because each moment felt like a blessing.

In truth, I realized that for one of the first times in my life I don’t just love my life.  You see my life is a daily commitment to and validation of being me.  On those days when I simply love my life I am in the process of loving me.

I love my family.  I love their warts and idiosyncrasies.  I wish they didnt stumble, fight, or judge and I worry but it lasts only as long as it takes for me to realize their challenges knock off thr rough edges and challenge them to grow.  They are perfectly imperfect and they are rising to the challenge of building thier lives in an imperfect world. I have faith in them.

I love my heart.  It keeps giving with everything in me, and without expectation. On the days I do this well,  I love the feeling of doing that without feeling depleted.  Expectations are premeditated resentments. So when I can embrace the idea that love has no cost, then what others do with this gift is their stuff.  My part is just to love them. I am free to do it without fear.

Mostly I love that I have been loved. By my family, by my friends who have love me like family and by friends who are learning me enough to become family.  The power of the knowledge that we all know eachother on the inside. If we can realize that disagreement doesn’t mean rejection we can be vulnerable and reàl.  Something I’ve done must have been amazing; that past must have been special to  have given me such incredible gifts of the people who love me.

I love my humour, energy, and my loudness that it shocks people from their complacency.  I challenge the idea that we always need order for the world to function.  Sometimes we need chaos, laughter and fun to bend the straight lines into beautiful curves.

Mostly I love the purpose of my life that keeps unfolding like a magical book.  Each page blank as it is opened and then words drawn by a secret pen, it’s colours mutable and infinitely complex or blessedly simple. The miracle of each day is yet to be written.

I love my life and all its blessings,  including and perhaps today, most importantly, the blessing that is me.

Blessed Be Beautiful World and my part in it.

Thanks to Louise Gallagher again. Www.dareboldly.com

Joy on the Lonely Road Less Travelled

'The road less travelled was a foggy run from Deadwood to Peace River just after the sun rose.'

 

A friend of mine and myself started a 100 day challenge 239 days ago as a way of improving our mental health.  Lifestyle changes we knew could help us, were difficult to incorporate.  So we started with 100 days of Loving Ourselves, and when that first 100 days past, and we were making healthy changes in our lives we started a second challenge.  100 days of finding balance followed.  Well as you can imagine we got to the end of that challenged and we started a third challenge.  This one is 100 days of “Letting Go of What no Longer Serves Me.”  It has proven to be the biggest challenge yet.  So as we approach 40 days this is what we have learned:

1. I am my own gift to myself.
2. “Be impeccable with your word,” applies to me. “I will love myself” started a commitment of 238 days to exercise a half hour a day and evolved into a treasure hunt exploring ourselves.
3. Flexibility has its own reward. I’ve done yoga watching a football game, meditated in hotel lobbies, where th…e chairs are the most comfortable and turned it over to the Universe for 139 days. It turns out God did not just whisper our purpose in our ear on the day we are born, that voice echoes all the days of our lives. Our only challenge is to still our demons, and listen.
4. Letting Go creates a hole that needs filling. Fill with love and joy.
5. Our toxic patterns hold hands with the bullies on the playground: Fear, Grief, Perfectionism, Familiarity, Bitterness, and Pain.
6. The playground has some surprises. Confidence is making forts in the tree branches, Courage is climbing fences. Faith is quietly drawing pictures on the sidewalk, as Hope watches on.
7. Imperfection is not a flaw, but rather a dab of glitter, that highlights individuality.
8. A habit can be created in 21 days. But 239 days can unlearn tapes imbedded in my DNA for 51 years.
9. The Road Less Travelled is followed by your heart. If we are blessed with good companions, the experience is breathtaking. The side roads are often solitary, as they should be. It is then we remember that the path eminates from our own soul.
10. Who said I couldn’t do it?
My demons.
They lie.

Blessed Be Beautiful Messy World. You are a unique gift of infinite value to that world. Honor that.

'This was a birthday gift from my parents. It is a blessing that articulates the connection between us. It means "The Divine in you acknowledges the Divine in you." I treasure it.'

The Blessings of the Morning

blessing in the morningI have completed a gratitude list of ten items each day for 150 days.  It has been an exercise in self awareness that has transformed the way I look at my days.   Some days it reflects the little marvels of a busy day.  Other days it is about individuals in my life.     Every day it is about confirming and focussing on blessings.  That focus has created opportunity for personal growth, spiritual awareness and health benefits.

Today it is about the gratitude of the morning.  Ever since I was a child, when I was drug from my bed by my father, I have learned how to enjoy the morning.  As a child it was reluctant because if we weren’t civil we were given extra chores.  As an adult,  it was about finding slips of time in my busy day for the things that sustained me or just an hour of sanity before the avalanche of duties that came with a busy household.  Now my kids are grown but I still love the stillness  of the early morning.

So this morning my gratitude list is simply about the blessings I find in the early mornings:
1. Mornings whether rainy and cool or warm and sunny. I love the quiet and the play of light as the sun rises above the trees and kisses the yard.
2. I love flowers,  the changing colors on a blanket of green.
3. I love to dance with abandon. My morning always has music.  I love to let the music flow through me and dance as if the melodies originate in my heart and are punctuated in my feet and fingertips. I love the memories that come with a certain song.  I love the emotions a beautiful song brings in me, so pure and uncomplicated.
4. I love falling asleep with my head on his shoulder, my worries dancing in my head and stilling slowly until they stop altogether.  Then waking the next day slowly becoming aware of his breathing and the incredible gift our life together has been.
5.I love waking to the sound of summer birds and try to identify each by the unique melodies they make.
6. I love walking barefoot on damp grass and watering my flowers.

7.   I love hearing people laugh, with abandon, from their bellies, as if no one is listening.
8. Coffee in the morning as my head clears random dreaming and starts to fall into place as my priorities are set.

9. I love working out in the morning. I love feeling the blood flow into my limbs as I wake up and the aches from extended stillness let go as I stretch. I love the mental clarity and endorphins I experience when I am done. Who knew??!!!
10. I love the optimism of knowing this day is filled with promise.  I love the anticipation that comes with knowing that today you may meet someone who may change your life, or experience something you have never dreamt, or experience the joy of the world of your creation.
Blessed Be Beautiful World.

Gratitude

It is said that we chose the souls with whom we will share this life. They may share a moment, a lifetime, DNA, or just a breath, but each one is precious. The Divine in me, bows to the Divine in you:
1. To those who know the code that begins “One sock on, one sock off…..” who forgave my bossiness, whose lives were intertwined with mine from before we were born. You are precious.
2. To the friends who taught a clumsy girl one hundred ways to catch and ride a cussed horse, and the she was smarter than her blondest moment, and physics is not for the meek. Thanks. You gave me space to be me.
3. To the friends who taught me that dancing on tables might get us in trouble, but what the hek, we only live once. You gave me the gift of laughter and authenticity.
4. To all the friends who arrive in my life knowing shit is going down! You are always welcome. Trouble is subjective and laughter is good for the soul.
5. To the friends who would show up with a shovel and help me hide the bodies. Thanks. Thats all we need to say here. You know who you are.
6. To the new and old friends who allow me to be courageous and vulnerable at the same time.
7 . To the many really wise ones, you are especially valued, who allow me the space to find grace. You have helped my heart come full circle.
8. To the many friends who taught me to be gentle with myself. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself first.
9. To the friends from lifetimes past who watch from the other side, anxious to share the lessons of this life. Lessons that are engraved on my soul with a loving hand. Be patient. I am only starting the most intersting part of this journey. The next chapters are the best.
10. To the Creator who made us all, old and new, who made you knowing we would meet, and I would love you.
Blessings Be Beloveds. Take care of each other.

The Quiet of the Morning

It occurs to me on this morning:
1. Trust the process and write. A poem stuck me yesterday as a robin battered itself against my window in a territorial display that he is still exhausting himself with. A metaphor for life at it’s worst.
2. Meditation is a struggle but I remember how much I hated going downstairs when the my now 106 day challenge started.
3. The apple blossoms are still on the tree. It appears the frost has lengthened the bloom. Perhaps my apple tree is as resilient as many people I know.
4. I love the quiet of the early morning: the birdsong, the drumming of the rough grouse, and fresh hot coffee with cream.
5. The sun rises silently from darkness, through the dimness of dawn, to twinkling green, the only movement is the light as it illuminates a changing cast of characters: the tree tops, the trunks, my flower beds then finally the birds exploring the bushes on my lawn. Our perception of our world is like a sunrise. Nothing changes but what we see.
5. I love the quiet of the morning. The promise of a new day. Planning with no agenda, just the magic of possibilities.
6. I love quiet of early morning. The simple pleasure laundry washing to be hung on the line and the smell of summer dried cloths.
7. I love the quiet of early morning. Husband sleeping while I do my cardio downstairs.
8. I love the quiet of the morning with only a lazy cat and hopeful dog for company.
9. I love the quiet of the morning before the day rushes out the door.
10. I love the quiet of the morning when you can greet the rush, before it launches itself from your door, with a brush of your hand and a kiss to the crown of his head. Good morning world. 

The people who raised me.

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My husband and I visited a friend who lost his mother yesterday and it occurred to me how fortunate I am that my parents are still young and healthy.
So today what I am grateful for:

1. That my parents are here to love and get guidance from.
2. That I have the kind of parents one could aspire to be.
3. That they encouraged us to try, to keep trying and to be smart about it.
4. They taught us integrity, kindness, self respect and that being perfect was not necessary.
5. They taught us that what we learned from them was largely of our choosing and not their teaching.
6. When they worried we didn’t necessarily know, which gave us confidence.
7. Only when we had children did we realize they likely worried A LOT.
8. When we did realize they worried and got nervous, they encouraged us to do it anyway.
9. They taught us that if we tried and fell flat on our face we were still five feet nine inches ahead of where we started. ( Laura took a little hop and Lisa bent at the knees).
10. Above all have humour because that way when we did experience a flop, we had a good story.

A Game Warden’s Wife

I have been married to a game warden for 29 years. There are good and bad that come with that. He has been called out during his four year old’s birthday party and again when that child turne…

Source: A Game Warden’s Wife

A Game Warden’s Wife

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I have been married to a game warden for 29 years. There are good and bad that come with that. He has been called out during his four year old’s birthday party and again when that child turned 16 and had a bunch of rambunctious friends over with a bonfire.  There are 3 am phone calls from Control Centre.  He works in remote areas doing wildlife enforcement on people who are carrying loaded guns. I hate hearing him talk of the things he is called or the harrowing experiences he has had. A grizzly he released once circled back and ate his front tire. They drove miles on the rim until they could safely change it.

However, for the most part it has added nuance, humor, and adventure to my life and the lives of my sons.
For example who can say:

1. They know when you feed a deer fawn you need to wipe its bum. It’s what the doe does.
2. Black bear cubs have jaws that are stronger than our hands trying to pull them from the flesh of arms they have latched onto.  Someone thought bear cubs were as cute as they appear and tried to cuddle.
3. Their husband has laid charges for the murder of a pet bison named Bob.  The wild bull had been adopted by the staff at an oil camp and someone didn’t realize it was also in the Bison Preserve.
4. Moose calf’s will adopt whomever feeds them. They love to take walks.  My neighbor drove into the ditch when he saw how strange the dog following me looked.
5. Dead birds in your freezer, wrapped in plastic feel exactly the same as a chicken carcass. No it didn’t go in the soup but to say I was shocked is an understatement.
6. Their husbands have sat on the head of a sedated grizzly while it had a tooth removed.  He was the most agile and apparently most stupid of the men taking samples from the bear.
7. They know the difference between the smell of a rotting meat and fresh bear. There are days he strips from the cloths in the entry. Pew!
8. They have lived in three places they didn’t know the first thing about before they moved there. I’ve lived twenty years in a community so remote it could only be found on the map insert that overlayed Wood Buffalo National Park.
9. Their husbands have been roused at dawn to realize someone is hunting in their back yard. Then have chased errant hunters through their own back forty to lay trespassing charges. I didn’t have to call anyone to do it.  I simply woke him up.
10. Their kids have taken wolf cubs to show and tell. Or know that all wolf cubs are born black.
11. They have fed a sick golden eagle then watched a week layer as it was released. A six foot wing span unfurling with a whoosh, then lifting from my husband’s arm to fly, then catch a draft and lift up along the steep bank of the Notekewin then rose silhouetted against the sky. We watched until it was just a dot against the blue.
Who can say they have done that?