Dean is shocked at hearing Castiel bluntly lash out, especially in such a human and emotional way. He can see Castiel’s face getting redder with anger.

Dean: I never asked you to feel this way.

Castiel: I never wanted to feel this way!!!! I killed my family, I rebelled against everything I ever knew, and I died twice. It’s not enough for you! You used me and in doing that you changed me. You knew all along how I felt. What else but love can inspire a being to risk it all? How am I suppose to deal with these feelings?! You made me feel these things and you knew it! This war, it’s all for you. To save you, because if humanity dies, then you die. I can’t let that happen. If it was between you and anything, it would always be you, Dean.

Dean has to look away. He did know, he knew all too well. There’s a long pause between them.

Dean: I’ve been a jerk to you. I wanna push you away. You’re important, and I don’t want you to be. When people are important to me, they end up dead or worse and you’ve died for me enough. I never asked you to give up everything, dammit. You’d be better of without me in your life.

Castiel: My heart wouldn’t be. It is my choice to stay here and help you and Sam. I am under no orders. Don’t push away my efforts just because you’re scared of them.

Dean shakes his head.

Dean: I don’t understand this love you have for me. You saw me, all of me, in Hell. Doing the things I did there. How can you love this?

Castiel: I love you unconditionally. I love you because of those reasons. I know all your flaws and I love you in spite and because of them. I love everything that makes you, you. 

Dean: I don’t deserve that.

Castiel: After all this time. You still don’t think you deserve to be saved.

Dean: You, better than anyone, should understand why.

Castiel moves slowly towards Dean and stares deeply into his eyes.

Castiel: Yes, and I can assure you this self-loathing is in vain. You have to stop blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens, Dean.

Dean: I can’t.

Castiel resigns himself with a sigh.

Castiel: I know…but why can’t you just let yourself love me?

Dean takes a step back and looks down. He closes his eyes for a moment and speaks.

Dean: Ya know…It’s so different finally having someone look after me. I’m not used to it. I guess I took advantage of it, like a spoilt child. I can’t love you, Cas. I don’t have any more love to give.

Castiel: That’s not true. I’ve seen your heart, and it’s big enough to love a million times over.

Dean is about to reply but is inturrupted by Castiel.

Castiel: Why did you go to Lisa?

Dean: (shocked) What!?

Castiel: Why did you go to her? Why did you forget me for a year?

Dean: Sam made me promise to go on with my life, to be with Lisa. She’s perfect and I thought I could’ve had the perfect life. I didn’t forget you, but how could you be part of that?

Castiel: Perfect life, could you really? Was it really that perfect, Dean? I doubt it. That’s not the life for you. That will never be the life for you. That’s the life Sam wanted, but never you. You can’t put everything in a neat little box, that’s not who you are. You cant live a boring hum drum life, you’re more real and more alive than that. 

Dean: So, you think I’d be better with you? What? On the road fighting demons until I’m dead or too old? You popping in by my side any time you’re on a lunch break from running your prison up there?

Castiel: It would be a hell of a lot better than living a lie. At any rate, I wouldn’t be visiting you from heaven…I would stay here with you. All you had to do was ask, but as usual you always take the hard way, the way that will cause you the most turmoil and pain. 

Dean: I care about Lisa and Ben.

Castiel: Don’t lie to yourself, you care about what they represent. 

Dean: Screw you.

Castiel: You went there and used those people, just like you use Bobby and everyone else. All to protect Sam. All because your father took your childhood and replaced it with responsibilities an adult could barely handle.

Dean: Don’t you dare talk to me about fucked up fathers. Your father abandoned us all, and royally screwed you angel bastards up. Everything’s gone to shit because he doesn’t give a damn any more. 

This clearly strikes a chord with Castiel.

Castiel: I’ve heard enough. Live in denial as long as you want Dean. For all the ways you are strong, you are weak in so many others. You will never let yourself be happy. Balthazar was right, you have and will only ever cause me misery.

With that last exchange Castiel is gone. Dean stands there, eyes red, heart pumping. He puts the palms of his hands up against his eyes.

 Dean: Dammit! God dammit!!

He punches the wall, cracking the filler slightly and potentially breaking a few bones in his hand. He doesn’t care.

Dean: Fuck it, fuck it all. You son of a bitch. Why do you do this…why the fuck do you do this to me…

———————————————————————————

Sam knew something was up with Dean and he guessed Cas was involved somehow as they hadn’t seen him for months. No real news from heaven. They bumped into Balthazar a couple weeks ago on a hunt that turned out to be the flamboyant angel stealing a 16th century torturing blade haunted by the spirits of its victims. Apparently it would be of use to Cas and his fight…They didn’t want to know how or why.

The look Balthazar gave Dean was full of disdain, Sam had to do a double take. Something had definitely gone on with Cas but neither was letting Sam know what.

Back at the motel Sam finally had enough.

Sam: Look Dean, when are you gonna tell me what happened with you and Cas? It’s been months and we haven’t seen him, and you’ve just been moping about. Any time I mention him you change the subject. What the hell happened?

Dean: Nothing.

Sam: Bullshit. Tell me!

Dean: Look, Sammy. I said nothing happened so nothing happened, ok?

Sam: I don’t believe that for a second.

Dean: Believe what you want, ain’t changin’ anything.

Sam: Sometimes I’m still surprised at how stubborn you are. Ya know, if you’d just admit it to yourself.

Dean: What?

Sam: Do you think I’m dumb? I can see that you and Cas, it’s not exactly your standard bromance. I think he is in love with you.

Dean: No.

Sam: He is, and you need to either be his friend and let him down or tell him you just want to keep things professional.

Dean sighs and looks Sam dead in the face. Broken and desperate looking, Sam wasn’t betting on Dean getting this emotional this fast.

Dean: I know Cas is in love with me, okay? I didn’t say I wasn’t in love with him.

A beat.

Sam: What!?

—————————————————————————————————

The basement of Danderlee Manor in Effort, Pennsylvania 2 weeks previously. Sam and Dean’s patience wears thin after discovering Balthazar is behind some strange happenings in the town. They stand with him in the old house and Sam can’t help but notice the tension in the air.

Sam: Is there a plot device around here?

Dean: What?

Sam: The bathroom? I need to use the bathroom…

Balthazar: Upstairs to the left. I thought moose had bigger bladders. 

Sam shoots Balthazar a look as he leaves. Dean and Balthazar are alone together and everything has become a lot more uncomfortable.

Balthazar: You are a piece of shit directly from Golgotha, and I was there so I’d recognise it when I see it. 

Dean: You loud mouthed prick. You caused this.

Balthazar: Please, a blind man could see Castiel’s feelings for you. You knew, you choose to ignore it. You’re a weak pathetic fool. You had the love of an angel and you threw it away like it was worthless. 

Dean: That’s not true. 

Balthazar: It is true, you don’t deserve to be even standing here right now. He means nothing to you.

Dean: No! Cas means a lot to me.

Balthazar: You won’t give feelings about anyone besides your brother the time of day. You don’t know how to return feelings. You’re selfish. 

Dean: I know how I feel and I don’t have to prove a fucking thing to a fruitcake like you.

Balthazar: Don’t self-project on me, Ape. 

Dean: That’s it, I’m outta here. We’re done. Enjoy your thieving. Sammy! Let’s move!

————————————————————————

Dean lies down on Bobby’s bed. Bobby’s bedroom…not that Bobby ever slept in it, it’s probably been weeks since he’s even been in it. Always falling asleep on the couch with a book in his hand. 

Alone. Dean doesn’t like to be alone these days. Can’t stop thoughts of that angel infiltrating his head. It’s been 6 months now. Not hearing the sound of wings as he enters the room, not hearing that gravely voice, not seeing that constantly crooked tie. Damn. What have I done?

Dean: Dear Castiel, we need to talk…please. We can’t leave things like this. Just get your feathery butt down here…just for a minute, give me enough time to tell you how I feel and get this chick flick moment over with…

Nothing. No wings. No gravely voice. No tie or trench coat to be seen.

Dean: Dammit, Cas!!! Please. Don’t ignore me. I know I deserve it, but God dammit, don’t ignore me!

A flutter.

Castiel: Blasphemy isn’t a way to appease me, Dean.

Dean: Cas!

Castiel: Why have you called me here? Haven’t you said enough? 

Dean: I haven’t. At least, I didn’t say the right things.

Castiel: I don’t think you’re capable of that.

Dean stands up and walks over to Castiel.

Dean: Look, it’s been 6 months. I…I can’t stop thinking about you. Any time I’m alone, I just…I don’t know what I’m doing here, ya know? You mean something to me. You mean more than anyone that ain’t family’s ever meant to me. It’s scary and yeah, I’m being a pussy about it but I dont know how to deal with it… so I just haven’t been. But not dealing still don’t change anything, I do love you. I’m in love with you, and I wanna be with you, but, Cas, I don’t know how it can work.

Castiel lets out his breath, as if he’s been holding it the whole time Dean spoke. He looks up at the ceiling and closes his eyes.

Castiel: I’ve waited so long to hear you say that.

He looks back down at Dean. Eyes wet. 

Castiel: Don’t you see? As long as we both care, why does it matter? Nothing has to change. We don’t need to buy a house and settle down, we don’t need to get a dog or have kids. We can just be, just be ourselves. You don’t need to change for me, Dean. It is already perfect. 

Dean smiles weakly. He brings a hand up to Castiel’s shoulder and pulls him in, resting his forehead against Castiel’s.

Dean: I think I finally get it. No pressure, right?

Castiel: Never. I’m no fool, I’m aware of how things are right now for the both of us, and who knows what the future will bring. As long as we can be there for each other, what does it matter?

Dean closes his eyes and grins.

Dean: Yeah, what does it matter.

Dean tilts his face and presses his lips against Castiel’s. Castiel gasps slightly and grips Dean’s arms. He moves his lips against his angel’s, and then Castiel gives in and does the same. He runs his tongue along the bottom of his angel’s lip, and Castiel licks his back. The kiss is soft and tender and over all too quickly.

Castiel: Kissing someone you love is so much better than my brief previous experience.

Dean chuckles.

Dean: Kissing you is better than my expert knowledge. 

He winks at Castiel.

—————————————————————————————————

Sam never found out what had happened between Dean and Cas. Dean had left the room after practically admitting his feelings to his brother, but when he had seen how Dean looked at Castiel the next time the angel graced them with his presence, he kinda figured they’d made up. He’d always suspected something was up with his brother and that angel, no matter how hard Dean tried to hide it when they weren’t alone. The fact that Dean slapped the angel’s ass as they left the motel room only confirmed this further.

THE END