Ugh. So I thought I was a conservative person who mainly stayed out of drama. Well this weekend reminded me how careful I need to be about what I say and how I act. I'm worried I've already started drama at dans new restaurant with all the servers. GD I should have been more careful. I let my emotions get the best of me. Granted, this girl *was a skank and a bitch but I didn't have to get her fired. I complained so much and made it obvious that I didn't like her. But at least it's nice to know that dan listened to me.

Sigh. A mature person would not have acted this way. I need to watch my mouth!!

Oh well. I see it as karma. I knew she had it coming but I didn't think it would happen so soon. She was a disrespectful skank who tried to hit on my bf. And she got demoted, possibly fired. Ha that's what's u get bitch.

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Is it normal to be looking at other guys this much when I'm in a relationship? Like i would never do anything but I definitely think about what it would be like.... Omg that sounds so bad. It's like I'm cheating in my mind. I always said it was unrealistic to think that ur bf would never be attracted to anyone else, and that it's ok as long as u dont act on those feelings. But this feels wrong....

I would never cheat on him. But why am I thinking thoughts like this so much... I dont think it's healthy.

But. When I really sit down and think about just us. Just him and me. He makes me happy. And I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. So I guess that's all that matters for now :)

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Hehe my resolution was to be more positive. But this place is turning into vent central!!! Haha. Well i am happy abt some things right now. My relationship with my mom n sisters is better. Im happy with dan (minus the nightclub situation, but ill deal with that when i happens) school is going good so far. Not too stressed and my skins getting better. I still have a lot of good things going for me :)

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Im too considerate for my own good. When i stop caring about people is when ill stop getting hurt. Everyone is so selfish these days, but i cant get it past my head that everyone isnt like me. These people around me are so superficial and i keep falling for their bs. I want to have friends but not at this expense. Shiiit. I need to toughen up n stop carin so much. Basically learn how to be just as selfish as everyone else. Ugh. Theres gotta be a different way....

Or maybe im just too sensitive.
Goddamn fuck this shit. I need a personality overhaul. I wanna be an unfeeling bitch so ill do whatever i want without caring how it affects other people. Thats how everyone seems to operate now these days. Every fucking man for himself. Yup thats real friendship.

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Blagh. There is nothing in my life that makes me happy right now. All i can think about right now is the future but even that to me doesnt seem too promising.

Im going to quit school and just live off the stock market. Hehe i wish.

Sigh. How can my longterms goals be enough to take me out of this depression and motivate me. Its showing in my face right now too.
I feel so bleak and lonely and like theres no point to any of this.
Im failing miserably at my new years resolution!!!! Goddammit! I thought i could do this alone but i cant! Even if i try to block out people and just focus on school by myself, my isolation just makes me more aware of my loneliness. We need social interaction to get through. I dont know what to do or how to deal!

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