My doctor gave me so much shit for a form I have to fill out every year. It’s ‘scammy’ on social service’s part if they’re only checking in on you, she said.

Now I wish I was dead. Thanks. I have been in a perpetually anxious state  since that happened.

Then yesterday Asshole, that’s what I’m calling him now, told me moderators can’t trauma dump, which I read as ” I really don’t care what happens to you. Just die.”

When I wake up, someone I know messages me, pretends to care, and then tries to get me to show him stuff.

I message my friend and I must’ve been too emotional, because she never messaged me back.

Every time I think I want to tell someone how I feel, I’m reminded of why that’s a terrible idea.

And when I’m this upset my paranoia begins to overwhelm me.

What does it mean to be on your ‘final warning?’ Set on the curb waiting for the garbage truck.

You may not quite be regulation. In their hurry to be rid of you, they didn’t stuff you in a trash bag, neither the pleasantly scented kitchen kind or the kind for picking up yard waste. They sat you between two  yard waste bags, hopefully overlooked.

You know it’s.going to hurt, being compacted. Your body will be bubble  gum chewed  in a metallic mouth, chewed and chewed: Pop! And it’s on the next bag.

The garbage men gather onto the back of the truck. By the time they round the corner, you are forgotten.

I’m sorry to bother you, but I can’t stop thinking about it and going through my mind over the years what I might have done to  you. I sometimes picked on you being long-winded and I might have picked on your turn of phrase.  I think I corrected you occasionally.  I might have said a passing thing or two when I found out y’all thought I was a racist  and wondered if I was retarded.  Those are the only things. 
And I ask myself over and over  what did I say that offended A  so badly. I think it was what I said about R. I doubt in truth  that it was because  S was attracted  to R. It was more probable  that S  saw in R remarkable abilities for someone his age and the fact that he is trans also probably figures into it but not in a romantic way.  I am prone to envy when I see someone with  talents I will never have and likeability I will never have. I’m ashamed if R.  I don’t think I  shat on Suresh. I might have said he’s temperamental  . My immense fondness for W might have made me cross at him.  Any animosity to S was over her and when K  left.  I have no idea what Ukraine should or should not do . I would have tried to broker some sort of deal long before  now or try to make my nation NATO compliment and try to get in.
I was always pretty useless to S. I did some gay ops with T  to avenge Sunday, but to my knowledge all my efforts were in vain. I just would sit and observe , report any serious things, and during that time I felt useful for a minute. It felt wonderful to be needed. I wasn’t completely useless maybe at that time . I did a couple of good things behind the scenes.  I alerted Est that last time. I think E was close to having sepsis if she didn’t get help.  So in a tiny way, very tiny, I started the effort to save her.  Also,  there’s a woman who had a severely disabled friend who really needed  help and I helped  her figure out what needed to happen to get her out of an abusive situation . I’m not blowing my own horn but as useless as I am I actually did that.  My life had meaning occasionally. And I love modding for Sunday in YouTube chat. It gave me a purpose and a way to help.  I always wanted to be a read alouder , but I have a voice not fit for anything.  I remember feeling so sad when he didn’t want me to read. Also I read probably a little slower than him to process what I’m reading.
I was sad when well- being went away. I had made myself a mission to always respond a bit of someone was down.
I always wanted to be a writer and I think you have a lot of potential. 
My unusual romantic attraction for him  waned over the years, but I still love S , just not in a romantic way. The comedy of everything was one of the reasons I fell for him hard was his devotion to his partner.  People in Spicy Chat talked badly about his partner  sometimes and it made me yearn to look out for him. Plus I loved his love for the written word and that he looked out for me. It meant so much to me all the times  he reached out to me.  I think he’s seen me erratic and  messed up  from taking too much medication.  I never ever ever ever wanted him to know  at least verbally that I liked  him. Besides the fact that I’m an ogre, I never wanted to trouble him or his partner. Even if I  woke up someday  pretty and normal . I’m so ashamed he knows now.
I guess that’s all I have to say. My main question is what did I do to deserve this. I’m distraught. Sometimes I’m angry and other times I’m just miserable and feel guilty and remembering all you said and all the ways I’m a freak.  The worse part was A being angry at me, probably, and not knowing why. I just wanted to disappear .

I wish she would message me. I feel so alone in the world right now. I hope she’s OK.

I want my mom. I’m  starting to cry.