| Sad |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|11:30 pm]
nothingtosing
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It might be the hormones but I'm having a crazy sad night tonight. Ugh. I just. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where I belong. I try so hard to have a clear head. I make all these goals and never count on them not working out. I've been stupid lucky lately- things have been mostly going my way despite being stressed. But things aren't staying that way. Not at all. Everything's changing so fast.
You think I'd be happy to graduate. But after 5 years of back breaking life changing hard work... I still haven't gotten a call that I'm in the Ed Program. 5 years of work. To what... wait another freaking year to apply and maybe get in? Argh. I just want to rip my hair out.
Next week isn't going to be good. There will be exams, neurological appointments that I'm scared about, finding out that I didn't get in the program, and all sorts of crap.
I miss having a life. I miss not being sick. All these freaking people that I cut out of my life because I was sick and couldn't handle them... don't even know how fucking sick I am. I'm tired of all the treatment and having to put a brave face on everyday. I' m tired of being in constant pain, seeing things that aren't there, falling down, and telling my hands to work only to watch while they stay perfectly still..
Sure... I've been working hard. I do the treatments, I go to physio, and I love my argentenian dance class... but what's the point if my muscles are going to stop working anyway?
Ugh I'm just hormonal, depressed, stressed, and feeling nostalgic.
I'm not ready to graduate if I don't get in this program. I have no plan. Everything's going to change. I'll lose my benefits and health coverage when I need it the most. And I don't want to work in a daycare. I know I should be so picky in an economy like this... but I didn't go to school for 5 years so I could work in a daycare! I just didn't.
I should be greatful for the little things that have been going my way... and I'm trying so hard. I just feel so out of control of my life and like help isn't coming fast enough. Why does it take so long to get help? March was a stupid month for me. People always die in March.
Im crying writing this stupid journal that doesn't even make sense
I'm just fucking hormonal or something. I hate feeling so fucking weak, |
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