Tag: Conversations

Sketches – 97

On By Beleaguered ServantIn Original PoemsLeave a comment

{ She’s not coming back, you know that. }

I don’t know that.

I’m sorry, sir. Did you say something?

Sorry, just muttering to myself. So these are the lockers?

Yes, just store your stuff in here and follow the directions as to the combination. Feel free to use the sauna or steamroom or whirlpool or any of the other facilities. Your technician will meet you in the relaxation room in 20 minutes.

Thank you.

…

{ Dude, what are you doing here? }

Right now I’m taking a shower. After that I put on a robe and wait out in the relaxation room.

{ What is this supposed to accomplish? }

Release some tension. I have been doing more working out.

{ Yes, I know, I am you. I mean you haven’t gone off for a massage without her in what — fourteen years? }

Well there is no her right now, is there? I —

Mister Servant? —

Right here.

…

It says here that you have the 50 minute service with CBD oil. Is that correct?

That sounds like what I signed up for, yes.

Is this your first time here?

Yes.

…

…

What is that water sound? Not the music, but the actual water.

We have a fountain system. Water sounds are very good for us.

Yes, I can feel that. How complicated is one of those to put in?

I took them about two weeks to put this one in. It goes through all the rooms; a simpler one would probably take a couple of days. The water bill is something you want to be ready for, though.

Hmmm.

…

What do you do for a living?

I am a mathematician. My wife is an artist.

Why didn’t she come today? We have couples’ packages.

She’s… working out of town.

…

Your neck and shoulders are very tense.

I am sure.

Do you work long hours?

I guess you could call them that.

…

What did you say your name was?

Tricia.

Thank you, Tricia, that was wonderful.

Your welcome. If you get chosen to do a review, five stars wouldn’t hurt.

Consider it done.

…

{ She didn’t ask you what your wife did for a living. What were you trying to do, ward off evil spirits? }

Maybe.

{ She is coming back, you know. }

You told me the opposite 90 minutes ago.

{ I’m more relaxed now. }

Sketches – 96

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It’s beautiful here.

{ You knew it would be. }

I didn’t realize how long it had been since I had known what silence sounded like.

{ … }

I have already gotten a lot done in just a few days, and there is still time to just sit. I feel like I had lost the sound of my own voice inside my head, you know?

{ … }

Art should connect people… to the world, to others, to their better selves. But to do that people need space to think and feel. And the modern world has no space. It has no quiet, no silence. We are meant to be like water, both constantly moving yet always still.

{ Stillness is a rare gift. }

It’s funny how I still hear what you would say even when you are hundreds of miles away, and almost certainly busy at work.

{ … }

…

{ … }

I needed to do this. I don’t think men realize just how much of themselves women give up in relationships.

{ I am really glad that only works one way. Think how hard it would be on men if they, too, gave up large parts of themselves in relationships. }

You make me sound like such a witch for coming here.

{ I am not really here! You are only imagining what I would say… }

Yeah, but you would, you know you would.

{ … }

…

{ I would say, “relationships are always voluntary on the part of both parties.” }

Yes. But are they, though? In the real world?

{ … }

There is so much that keeps people together. Social stigma, habit, fear of failing. Sometimes even worse things.

{ .. }

I need to find a way to communicate that to people. That wherever they are in life, in relationships, that they still have choices. They still can find a different way when elements of their life no longer serve them. Women… yes, and men… all have other ways forward than they may see at present. There is a better way, a better them.

The silence inside them needs to be released. The voice of their real self. All of their history, their ancestry, all of the pain they’ve felt in a world shot through with sorrow and conflict. They can be more fully realized.

{ . }

I have a way to express this and I am going to. This lake or pond or whatever it is can be the image, the metaphor. Stillness and constant movement. Freedom even within constraints. The chance to touch other streams, rivers, to even make it to oceans. This is all of us. This is any of us.

Time to get to work…

Sketches – 95

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You use this photo as a bookmark?

Yes, I love that picture.

Would you like one that isn’t more than a decade old?

I’ve been using this one for a while, and it still works.

Someone more sensitive than I am might think you preferred the younger version of me.

I would love an updated picture, now that you mention it.

How about this one?

You don’t look particularly happy in this picture. When was it taken?

I wasn’t, and yesterday.

Is something wrong?

Yes. There is something I need from you, and you aren’t going to like it.

What is it?

I need to spend eight weeks in Yaddo. Alone.

Yaddo?

It’s an artist’s colony about 45 minutes north of Albany, NY.

Eight weeks?

I have the money saved, and I need to do something to get renergized. This is a huge opportunity for me.

Alright, then, when do you leave?

I could start the beginning of April, so — a couple of weeks from now.

Well, I assume that the “alone” part is important in what you are trying to accomplish, so… I hope it goes well. What all do you need to do to get ready?

There are a million things. I knew you would notice when I started making all these lists…

,.. Hang on a second! How long have you been planning this?

Since Christmas, when we ran into Oliver. He was there a couple of years ago, and suggested it might help.

And why are you just now telling me?

I know how you get about my ex-boyfriends.

Well, there seem to be an awful lot of them. And secrecy isn’t the best way to assuage jealousy. Is Oliver going to also be at…

No. Remember I said I needed something from you?

Yes.

I need you to understand why I am doing this. I have to start producing top-quality work again. I have to, have to, have to.

I get that.

And I need you to understand my leaving for a month is not about you.

…

So you aren’t going to say anything?

What is there to say?

Okay, then. Tell me how you feel.

I’d rather not. This isn’t about me.

Listen, I know I have gone about this the wrong way. I should have talked to you a couple of months ago. But you’ve been super stressed out at work and I didn’t want to add my artist drama to your already full plate. This is not about me being unhappy with you or anything like that.

Mmm.

Please tell me what’s going through your head.

Have you ever placed a coin in one of those large funnel things where the coin makes spirals all around before it finally disappears into the funnel? Well, that’s what I am trying NOT to do — spiral.

… because …

Because it feels like (1) I wasn’t perceptive enough to pick up on what was going on with you — but OLIVER was; (2) You were so worried about my apparently insane jealousy that you didn’t bother to even talk to me about it until you had to; and (3) Because it just occurred to me that I don’t know who even took that picture of you that you just gave me.

Oliver is in film and Yaddo specializes in that so it was on his mind; I am sorry about not telling you sooner, but I didn’t want to worry you over something I might have backed out of; and my sister took the photo, in case you think I have a parade of exes coming through our house to make you new bookmarks.

And look, I am sorry, too. I want you to be happy, so… go do what you have to do. The cat and I will be fine here.

So you are totally cool with this.

I didn’t say that. But I will be. Love sucks, but only because life sucks.

Besides, don’t you think I might also be jealous wondering what you are doing with all your new found free time?

Oh yes, because you married a former model with a million exes. No wait, that was me that did that.

Yes, I just married the successful business executive guy who is also creative. You don’t sound like the lead in a romantic novel at all.

I love you and I trust you. And I hope you come back.

Oh, sweetheart…

Still Not Sure

On By Beleaguered ServantIn Original Poems3 Comments

It is a late November evening, and I am off work tomorrow. My wife is in the next room watching a Christmas movie, and I am beginning to unwind after a long day. I am seated at the computer in the study, and I’ve been browsing social media, when I get a direct message.

Good evening

Oh, hey. Long time no hear. How are you doing?

I am in Pensacola, and I thought I remembered you went to school here

Yeah, I did, many years ago. What brings you there?

A professional conference. There are around a thousand of us here

A thousand librarians. Sounds like a party

Lol. You could say that. I mean, no one else would, but you could

Have you heard from any of the old crew recently?

I actually saw Jean and Charles not too long ago. She’s gotten really healthy recently, which is great

How has she done that?

Diet and exercise

What about you? How are you feeling?

Right now, I’m about three glasses of wine into the evening here in my hotel room, so I am feeling pretty good

Are you staying beachside?

No. I am way up on the north part of bay, where all the trees are. I have a question

Okay, go ahead

Do you ever think about our time together? Do you ever wonder if things could have turned out differently?

Yeah, I have

Why do you think things turned out like they did? Looking back, I’m still not sure

I don’t know, I guess… it just didn’t feel right at the time. When it did for me, it didn’t for you; when it did for you, it didn’t for me, is kind of how I remember it

Yeah, that aligns with my memory

What has you thinking about that now? It has been a LONG time

Wine, I guess. And being where you used to live when we were first dating

Are you still with Oliver?

No. It came down to me not being able to compete with his mom, so I ended it last year

Wow. That can’t have been easy

Nothing about relationships is easy, whether it is ending them or having them. How is your wife doing?

Pretty well. I don’t know if you heard she was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. But things seem better now.

Where is she in her therapy?

At whatever part it is where you watch Hallmark Christmas Movies.

Ah — the anodyne part. Please tell here I said hi and that I hope she’s feeling better

I will.

Well, I’m going to get back to drinking and living the fast-paced, glamorous life a traveling librarian

Take care of yourself, friend. It was great to hear from you.

I hate feelings. I realize we couldn’t live life without them, but they are a decided inconvenience.

a piece of furniture

On By Beleaguered ServantIn Original Poems, Poetic Essays1 Comment 
when you become a piece of furniture, 
the known, predictable is your full mark; 
your loved ones all can say what you'll say next, 
as personhood, itself, flees out the door 

to then be chased by you, along with dreams 
of other feelings -- other thirsts and dares -- 
to where you are not patronized or viewed 
as something boring and ridiculous 

but rather as a lover, or a friend, 
or as a mystery, something alive; 
not static, in a warehouse in the dark,  
someone no longer seen, but simply 

there

She didn’t know why he had left her, but I did. She criticized him constantly, carped at him, belittled him.

On the odd occasions he would fight back, she would say he was insecure. “Insecure” is a word used by people to dismiss other people’s feelings.

Having said that I understood why he left, it was harder watching the choices he made afterwards. He was with a series of women who used him for his money, and he said he was okay with that. “At least these relationships are honest. No one would ever want me for me, no one ever has, so… they get what they want, I get what I want, it’s all good.”

But it is not all good. Do you think the woman you’re with now would stay by you if you were sick?

Not likely.

Why do you think you are unlovable?

Ask my ex-wife. I gave her the best I had, and you see where that got me.

Yeah, she treated you like a piece of furniture. But that was her, not you.

Yeah, well, you’re married to one of the three good women in the world, so I wouldn’t expect you to understand.

Oh, I understand. I was married before, remember?

Look, I know you don’t believe what I’m about to say, but: almost nobody really loves anybody. Romantically, that is. People love their kids; people love their dogs. But partners? That’s all just biology, and once it wears off, there is nothing but residual dislike left over.

Yeah, you’re right, I don’t believe what you just said.

Sketches – 94

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Hey there, love. How’s your day going?

Oh. Terribly busy. I’m lying on the floor with a pillow watching a cheesy Hallmark movie on my laptop. How’s your day in Corporate America going?

It’s like opening a series of doors, but none of them have what you want behind them.

So, it’s like “Mystery Date”?

I’m surprised you’ve heard of that game.

My older cousin had a copy. We use to play all the time.

How did you do?

Not great. I always ended up with “Poindexter”.

I’ve got news for you sweetheart — you did in real life, too. So what’s the movie you are watching about? Does Hallmark do movies that aren’t about Christmas?

Oh, yes — and I’m not quite sure what it is about just yet. The heroine is very plucky, though.

So she’s full of pluck?

Tons of it. I feel pluckier just watching her.

Am I ready for that? When I get home, will you, against all odds, have become CEO?

Probably. Which won’t really require pluck, since I’m self-employed.

Would you like to go on an actual “Mystery Date” tomorrow? Like, where I surprise you with where we are going?

Ooh, that sounds like fun. Women like it when men make an effort.

I know, that’s why I try to do it every few years.

Just don’t show up dressed like Poindexter.

No, this is going to be a dressy thing. I’m going to have on a coat and tie.

Anything else?

Yes, I’ll be wearing pants and shoes and a belt

LOL, no. I mean, “Is there anything else I should know so I’m dressed properly?”

It will involve eating dinner out, and then, possibly, something physical like dancing.

Dang, boy, does me talking about Hallmark movies always make you go all romantic?

Well, it will be our anniversary.

Wait, it… what?!

Yep. Apparently, I remembered, and you forgot.

Maybe I’m the Poindexter in this relationship. What would be the female version of that name?

Poindeborah?

No, that doesn’t work. How about “Quincelle”?

You sound like a Batman villain. “Trillian”?

That’ll work. It will be Trillian and Poindexter’s first official date.

So we are going as characters?

Don’t we always?

Sketches – 93

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I used to wonder how ugly guys ended up with beautiful women — now I are one

You are not ugly. I would not have married you if you were. Your grammar, on the other hand…

Ugliness is more than appearance. Or maybe less, I can never remember

Well, that’s just nonsense

How about, “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way down?”

That makes a little more sense, but it is not you. You do a lot for other people, so don’t give me that hogwash

Hogwash?

Yes, as in “the bilgy water used for the cleaning of hogs”

Oh. And speaking of hogwash, I have to give a talk out of town next weekend

About what?

The title of the talk is “Statistical effects on morbidity and mortality: How the pandemic has impacted health conditions unrelated to COVID“

Well, that actually does sound kind of ugly. Is this a bunch of you actuarial types?

Yes. I’ll only be gone Friday night, because it’s only about a six hour drive, and I’ll be done by 1:00 Saturday. You could come, if you want, but I figured you’d be working

Actually, I think I will come. You’re going up to Columbia, right?

No, Charlotte.

Even better. I don’t have to attend the actual speech, right?

No, of course not. I’m trying to figure out a way I can avoid going to my own talk. What do you have in mind?

I want to go down to the river and do some sketching. That would really help.

Cool. It will be a fairly late night Friday; we will probably get in around midnight. The company has got me at the Westin.

Double cool. I get to turn into the mysterious midnight hotel version of me.

I seem to remember liking that version of you A LOT

You remember correctly

Just don’t knock all the numbers out of my head, I’m going to need them

I am making no promises. You knew the risks when you married me

she’d rather face the storm

On By Beleaguered ServantIn Original PoemsLeave a comment 
I'd surround you, and protect you;
You would never need to fear --
You'd be safe, within my keeping,
And would know, I'm always near --
You'd be there, I know it, truly;
Closer than my every breath --
Which would only serve to choke me,
Hound me to an early death
Is that truly how you see me?
Just some wretched narcissist?
Someone selfish, and controlling?
Is there something here I've missed?
Yes, perhaps, I fear unfairly,
Yet, I must do as I feel:
Love does not demand in power,
But, your love, I fear's, not real

Sketches – 92

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You look excited. Did you just buy something?

Why, yes I did

And what, praytell, was that?

Your birthday present.

Really?

No. Actually, not at all

Well, then

Just boring supplies related to work. Excited because it is possibly a tax writeoff

I’m not falling for it again. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine…

Can’t a person have some secrets?

You can have as many as you like. As forgetful as I am, you probably have more than you’d like

Good, boundaries. You know, some of our friends are in relationships where there don’t seem to be any of those. That would be stifling for me.

I’ve been in one of those relationships. It’s horrendous. Togetherness is about trust, and that also means trusting people with your privacy. I don’t need to know why or where you spend your money; that’s why we have joint accounts for our mutual expenses and separate accounts for our whatever. You shouldn’t have to feel like I’m looking over your shoulder

Well, and you’d die of excitement if you knew what I just bought. I wouldn’t want that for you

When you first started going out on dates, like back in school, did you believe that “there are no secrets with real love”?

Sadly, yes. You?

Sadly, also yes. But I’m the jealous type and you are not

You don’t seem to be nearly as jealous any more

Well, that’s another trust thing. Either I trust you or I don’t. And I do. Besides, jealousy often feels like it’s really about something other than its ostensible object. If I was jealous of one of those ripped, wealthy young rich dudes who buy your paintings, it wouldn’t really be about them, or you.

“Ripped, wealthy, young rich dudes”?… my last two buyers have been octogenarians!

Yeah, but that last guy was pretty ripped. For 83. That wasn’t really my point…

No, I understand, you know I do. I wonder why so many of our young ideas about love are so… wrong? Toxic, actually? Do you think maybe it is symbolic of how we view the process of intimacy, given that we haven’t gone through it yet? That it must be some kind of surrendering of self?

Hmm. That feels like part of it, yeah

My first real boyfriend was in eighth grade. His name was Scott

What was he like?

He was very sweet. He was also an artist, he was in my painting class

Huh. What happened?

He used way too much sepia in his paintings. And we both liked other people

So it was complicated.

For that age, yes. But he was a good guy.

In spite of the overuse of ochre?

Sepia. Have I taught you nothing? So what else do you think contributes to our youthful wrongheadedness about love?

I think there is something about transitioning from childhood to adulthood that makes us seek trials as a way of displaying our worthiness

What kind of trials?

You know.. we need to show how tough we are. How much we can drink, or smoke, or how many tattoos we can get without whimpering. We drive fast, take chances, live loud, make huge mistakes, and I think some of that is a de facto rite of passage

There may be something to that

So between surrendering self because it’s what we think intimacy is, and surrendering self because we are passage-seeking masochists, we have most of the bases covered

And that’s what I bought. Some new base paints for an acrylic I want to experiment with

Really?

No