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contemplative

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Life has been crazy lately. Very up and down...

Lots of things have happened in a few months. I've been working as an actress (extra/day player) for a while now. Sometimes I get lots of work, sometimes not enough at all. Right now is one of those slow times. UGH! I'm a regular on the show "Secret Life of the American Teenager" but haven't gotten a call in over a week. I hope we film again soon!

We will be moving back to Simi Valley in a few months! Dan finishes school in August and he already got a job offer! YAY! I pray everything works out well. He needs his ASE Certifications before he can start the job, so he's taking those in a few weeks. He's also in the most difficult class of the entire program right now! Poor Daniel is so stressed out with work and school! Just a few more months!

Our trip to Orlando this August is booked!!! CELEBRATION V HERE WE COME! I'm so excited to go to a Star Wars Convention with Daniel, it will be awesome!

Anyway, things have been getting better. I'm thinking more positively, being optimistic, and settling some issues. I'm looking forward to this summer! I can't wait to move back to Simi Valley. I will miss Long Beach, but it's time to go home and start living the Simi Valley life..get a house and start a family! :)

Also, I had this weird dream last night. I was in High School again on a band trip. And me and an old friend stole something from another band. It ended with me on a train, and then climbing on top of the roof (like in a movie! haha) and lying on my stomach, holding on as we started moving faster and going towards a tunnel. My dreams are always very interesting, and so far, they seem to predict the future. I feel like God speaks to me in my dreams. At first, the train was more like a subway or a monorail.
The dream dictionary's interesting response:

"To dream that you are in the subway, denotes that you are reaching your goal via unconscious methods. You may be exploring hidden aspects of yourself. Alternatively, it suggests that you are making a hasty decision."
hmm...I don't really like the 'hasty decision' part.
"To dream that you are on a train, symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end."

<3

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loved

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Happy February!
I've been really busy the last couple of days. I joined AFTRA! Yay! I'm so excited to see how this will open up a lot of new doors for me!
Dan's been working a lot this week. He is also probably going to have a new job soon! Well, it's still at Lowes, but he will be changing departments. It will give him more hours and flexibility, and would just be great! Please pray that everything goes well!
Dan and I got another wiener dog!
Her name is "Leia" She's black with some tan spots on her face and feet. She's sooo cute! I'm told she is 7 years old, but she looks and acts like a puppy. She's even smaller than Rosie! We now have two! I've had Rosie for 8 years (her whole life) and she is our little baby. We decided she was getting lonely, and since we live in a house and I'm not working that much we should get Rosie a friend. :)
We're going to Simi Valley tomorrow to celebrate my mom's birthday. I'm sure everyone will be very excited to meet the newest addition to our family.

Anyway, We've been dealing with some difficult stuff lately and I just have to say....God is good. The Church I go to has really reached out to us. People have been calling me and sending me cards and books and all sorts of things. It makes me feel so loved. <3 I can't believe how blessed we are! I'm soo glad we found a wonderful Church home. For example, the Pastor's wife called me on my way home tonight and talked to me for a while about miscarriage (she's lost 3 pregnancies) and she was so sweet and really helped me feel a lot better.

Well, I have to go tend to my little wiener dogs. Bye!

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mood

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creative

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So because this is supposed to be a good old fashioned journal of sorts, I will tell you about my day and other recent events:
I haven't worked since Monday. There haven't been very many jobs available lately. I'm an actress, and I have to find my own work using things like Central Casting, Because I do not have an agent yet. I'm planning to join AFTRA very soon! It's an actor's guild. I will get paid more, have more opportunities, and then I can find an agent!

Anway, I spent the day with Daniel and my little dog Rosie. We went out to lunch at one of my favourite restaurants here in Long Beach "Hof's Hutt" then Dan and I came home and did some household work. Dan was outside mowing the lawn and painting our new front door. I was inside cleaning the house and vaccuming. I also found time to play Donkey Kong Country on Super Nintendo! LOL. I'm still stuck on this one annoying level. I used to play these games with my sister all the time when I was little. She taught me well, but it still takes me forever to beat some levels! My sister actually came over to my house about 5 months ago and finished most of the Super Mario Brothers game for me. hehehe. Just like old times!
Things are going well for the most part. We just moved into a new house about 1 month ago. I'd really like to have some visitors, especially since we have so much more room now, including a guest room! I love hosting people. I just hated when we lived in our apartment, there was not enough room to have guests over.
Anyway, Dan kinda hates his job. He's still working at Lowes in the Kitchen Cabinets/Appliance section. He's going to school to be an Auto Mechanic. He really loves cars and loves going to school, he's the top of his class! I'm so proud of him! But he wants to work in an Auto Shop now, and that probably wont happen until he's done with school in August. As for me, I've been doing pretty good. I love my job, even though it's hard and I don't get a lot of work. I'm becoming more involved at Church, I joined the Choir and the drama team! I'm meeting a lot of people that really care about us and I love it!

However, I'm still recovering from what happend last month. I was pregnant with my first child. It was the most exciting thing ever! I got to be about 8 weeks pregnant. But then after three weeks of torture (the doctors didn't know what was wrong) we finally found out the baby was indeed dead, and had to be removed. UGH. It was the worst experience of my entire life. I wanted to kill myself. I hated God, I hated everything. I spent my Christmas recovering from surgery. My body has healed, but I haven't healed emotionally. It's an awful thing. But it wasn't the right time I guess. And now I have other plans for my life, and things have already changed dramatically in the past month since then. Dan and I don't want to have a baby now until we move back to Simi Valley. We will be moving back sometime around this August after Dan finishes school!

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mood

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optimistic

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No one reads LJ anymore. I feel so lonely on here!
Well, anyway...
It's been over two weeks since my miscarriage/surgery and I'm doing much better. It's weird not being pregnant anymore. And I hate that I have to be skinny and watch what I'm eating. I loved eating whatever I wanted no matter what time of day it was. And I loved wearing sweat pants everyday and being really lazy. But, that's over now. I've actually been pretty good. I just haven't thought about it too much. But recovering from surgery was a nightmare. I spent my Christmas sleeping on the couch. I was in sooo much pain for like 5 days. Ugh. So glad that's over!
But now I just moved on, because it's a New Year and a lot has changed in the past 4 weeks.
I ended up losing my job because I stopped going to work because I was too emotionally freaked out. So Dan and I couldn't keep our apartment because I wasn't making money anymore. So, we moved into this vaccant house Dan's mom owns. She inherited it after her Step-Mom passed away last year. We've fixed up the house a little bit, and it's a cozy little place! 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. I love it! I feel very blessed, because no one our age can afford a house. But we can only live here until we move back to Simi Valley in August/September when Dan finishes school.

I still need to make money though.. but I can't really hold down a job. So I decided to go back to Background Acting. I tried the "Making it in Hollywood" thing two years ago, but it didn't work out. This time I'm not gonna try to be a real actress, and struggle to get an agent and all that BS, just gonna be a background actress, doing extra work and bit parts. It was the most fun I've ever had. I got to meet so many cool people, and I loved just sitting around for hours on the set, talking about movies and TV shows. Hopefully that can provide us with enough money to deal with all the bills we have, and all of Dan's traffic tickets. (ugh. He has TERRIBLE luck)
Dan and I decided we don't want to try for a baby right away. I just can't handle all that sh** again! I don't even wanna think about it! Also, I really wanna go to Star Wars Celebration V in August! I've already started planning the trip, and I hope we can afford it.
I'm just so happy to have a New Year, a new house and a fresh start. I feel like the first 6 months of our marriage were miserable. We could never pay our bills and there was a lot of crap going on. For some reason I thought getting pregnant would solve that, and make everything happy. Oh well. Now things are different anyway.
Anyway, it's time to get back into Hollywood life! *ugh*
Gotta lose some weight, all that fun stuff. I hate it, but I love it.

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scared

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I've decided I need to be open and honest with people. There's been a lot going on in my life lately and I'm tired of everyone asking questions and being worried about me. I don't want to run and hide anymore, so I'll just give you some info so I can have the support and so people will stop worrying and wondering.

I was pregnant, but lost the baby. It's been an emotional nightmare. We waited weeks to get an answer. Now, finally all the pain and suffering will be over. I am getting the surgical procedure done tomorrow to make sure everything is finished and that my body will heal correctly. It's a very common procedure, but I am SCARED TO DEATH! :( I've never had any kind of surgery or been put to sleep or anything and I HATE needles and drugs. The whole thing is very scary and I really don't want to do it. If anyone has any experience with this kind of thing, I would really appreciate tips, help, advice. Please send me a message.
So, please pray that tomorrow will go okay, and everything will be quick and easy and that I will recover quickly.

On top of a million other problems we've had lately, I also lost my job. So, Dan and I are moving out of our apartment. We need to be out by the 1st and I really really need help packing and moving because I will not be doing well the next couple of weeks. PLEASE if you can come down here and help I will be eternally grateful. Any help at all would be great.

Thanks for all the love and support.
Just pray that everything works out alright.

--Thank You

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crushed

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WARNING: this is some deep stuff.
I've been in a state of deep pain for the past 5 days.
Last Thursday, we went to the doctor. She did another ultrasound and found a little tiny sack, only about 5 weeks in size, not 6 like it was supposed to be.
She was very concerned that she could not find a heartbeat. Just silence.....
So, she said "maybe you are a week earlier than we thought! But then again, the baby could have stopped developing a week ago, so we'll do some blood tests and see you in one week to check for a bigger baby and a heartbeat."
WHAT?!
I cried all night. I didn't go to work the next day. My life was over. I have to wait a whole week to get an answer and it could be very bad. I've been trying to stay calm but I keep having outbursts of anger, crying and screaming. I couldn't believe it. My family has been convincing me that everything is fine, I'm just 6 weeks pregnant, not 7. It kinda makes sense I guess cause I still have barely any symptoms. But then, so does the other possibility.
I'm praying and praying and hoping and pleading. God please don't let this baby die. Do you know how hard it is to go an entire week wondering what's going on inside you? There could be a DEAD BODY in me!!!
Sometimes I think everything is fine. Sometimes I feel like I know I will hear that heartbeat on Thursday. Other times I feel like it's over, and I can't stop crying.
I have two more days to go. It's sooooo difficult.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Wow. I could not care less. I don't want any presents, no cake, nothing. I don't want any christmas presents either, just give me a healthy baby, please. That's all I want. I think God is trying to teach me to be thankful, and to be patient. Because I was so angry and sad, and ungrateful before last Thursday. I was jealous, I was more worried about missing Star Wars Celebration V.
But now I know if we get good news on Thursday, nothing else matters. Celebration V means nothing to me. I would give up everything I have just to know I have a healthy baby.
So now I wait.....
PLEASE pray for me. Let the force be with me.
I hope to be returning in 2 days with Good news.

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mood

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calm

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I'm at the park with Alexa. We're both fighting a cold. Ugh! It's awful! I hate being sick.
Dan texted me and said he got called into work again. Of course its great cause he needs the hours, but it means that Rosie is at home all day till I get home, and it means I won't see Daniel till 1030 tonight when he gets home from school. Oh well....
Gosh I'm so hungry during the day! I should really bring a lunch instead of just a snack!
Hey, at least today is Friday! It's payday and the new Star Wars is on tonight! And I have tomorrow off! Hooray! I always have Sunday off too, but now I might be babysitting....
Man I've been so tired lately. I haven't been getting enough sleep ever since Dan is gone till 1030 every night. It doesn't help being sick either. I'm all drugged up right now, so I feel a little better. But I feel all relaxed and a bit foggy! Lol. I can't wait to get home. I have a nice, easy job. But today I'm just tired and sick. Thank the Maker I'm leaving at 3!!

Well anyway, still waiting for everything exciting to happen. Just a few more weeks I hope! :(
Oh, I found the strangest fortune cookie on the ground yesterday. I always seem to find little paper fortunes on the ground all the time! Maybe God puts them there cause he's trying to tell me something..??
It reads "You know what you want-Go for it!"
I've been pondering it for a while. What does it mean? What DO I want? I think all the things I want are kinda out of my control right now though. So we'll see what God plans to do with all this. I hope God's plans mirror my own! Lol.

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anxious

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LOL. I love my icon. It pretty much sums up that love triangle in one shot.

I'm at Chris' house on my blackberry. I'm a nanny for her 1 year old girl. She's taking a nap right now. Her name is Alexa. She's really sweet. It's a pretty easy job, I cook, clean, and take care of a baby. It's like getting paid to be a mom! I can't wait to have children of my own. I feel very prepared. It's the only thing I'm good at.(cooking/cleaning/childcare) Out of all the jobs I've had, I always felt that these ones were the easiest. I hope it's my destiny in life to be a stay at home mom!!

Ugh. But I fear that Dan will not make enough for us to have a house, dogs, and kids all on his income. I really can't wait to move back to Simi Valley and buy a house, get more weiner dogs, and have a couple babies! LOL. Dan's done with school on August 12, 2010. Then we can move back to Simi and do all that. But he really wants to take a 'specialty program' at school which is completely optional, and is another 6 months. So then he wouldn't be done till Feb 2011......but for now I'm hoping for August.

I'm just worried about moving back, Dan finding a job and looking for a house. I really don't want a condo or apartment then, but I fear it may be all we can afford. Especially if I don't have a job cause I'm pregnant or have a newborn. We should really wait longer before having kids.....
God I hope I'm not pregnant now! That means we'd probably miss Celebration V!!! I can't wait for them to announce the location and dates! They're not sure, but It looks like its gonna be in Orlando from August 12-15. Clear your calenders! It will be the best vacation EVER!
So, right now is pretty much just a very annoying time where I'm anxiously waiting for things:
++Dan's new job--God I hope he gets it soon! Just waiting for the person that currently holds the position to get the official transfer to another store. He needs that job so bad! He already changed his school schedule just in case! We know we'll find out sometime between now and December....I just hate the wait!
++Celebration V-- Yes, the biggest, nerdiest Star Wars convention. We get to dress up, and meet people and do all sorts of fun things! It's simply Star Wars heaven! I have a general idea of where and when it's gonna be, but they don't have official plans yet. They say the will announce it very soon. But again, its the wait I can't stand! I need to buy airline tickets and, start saving up and clearing the dates!
++The Holidays--Ahh...my favourite time of year! Thanksgiving, MY BIRTHDAY! And about 4 other close family members' birthdays, as well as Christmas and new years! Its pure craziness! But I LOVE it! I hate this akward time in November, I wanna start decorating and listen to xmas music! Lol. I kinda started decorating already. I got R2D2 xmas lights! LOL.

So my point is, I wish it was just thanksgiving already, there's too many exciting things that will/should be happening soon and I can't wait any longer! It's only a few more weeks right? Then Dan will have the new job, Celebration V plans will be underway, and the Holidays will be here!

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I'm extremely impatient. The most impatient person I know! Check back in 3 weeks, maybe things will be better.