и α m i ι αα·´¯·._.·´¯·.•

i swear i have never worked so long a chapter. that took forever! and im talking about "Of Snow, Winter Wonder, and Relentless Boys", of course. i really do have fun writting that.

AJ comes home late late tonight! so idk if ill see him today, but he is coming over tomorrow and i am so stoked. i cant wait to silence him. with my face. anyway, all is ok. been a really weird week: extreme paranoia from Black Swan, false alarm of someone trying to get into my house, puking my guts out for the first time ever at a big party, then following the worst hang over i have ever endured, my brother coming home, and the whole Christmas rush.

which isnt that great. because its not like it snows on this stupid island. plus i swear im still hung over. and it was last week. worst. night. ever. i usually have such a high alcohol tolerancy, i do not know what happened.

anywho, merry christmas to the nonexistant readers of this livejournal. hope all is well. maybe i will figure out a Christmas fic. we shall see.

shit, a lot has changed.

i have a boyfriend now. i miss him terribly. he goes to school way up north away from this island, but i will see him in three weeks so i am alright. i am so glad all my boy troubles are virtually gone. last year was a roller coaster. and when i met my boyfriend AJ right before summer last year, it was very nice, but horrible timing for several reasons. but now we're together and it is great. i think to think that my missing him has given me inspiration to write again. for a while i forgot what inspiration was like. so my readers can thank him haha.

anyway, everything is going relatively smoothly. i like feeling this way.

my one great fear is being unable to have a lifelong friend because when i get too close, all i do is pull away. this is why i keep my distance. i am trying to fix this.

-

im not doing so well right now. im lovesick and i hate myself for it. i never knew the struggle between love and hate was such a vicious fight. i've read about it. i've seen movies about it. but shit. the two feelings are just so strong i dont know how to control either of them. i feel so unsteady with everything. i feel like i dont have a hold on anything palpable anymore.

all i want is to be loved fiercely.
but i guess its a lot to ask.

-

light my lantern. quench my thirst. you’re the best, baby. i’m the worst.

i take just about everything i said about him in the last post. so this is to you.

your probably wondering if i am mad. the answer is no. mad does not cover it. i am humiliated like i have never been before in my life. contrary to popular belief, i am not that outgoing when it comes to guys, so opening up like that last night and putting myself out there so much took an amount of courage you've only dreamed about. because i told myself that i was just going to be honest. i was going to be brave. maybe it would help out. but i was more wrong then i ever could have imagined. because i was led to believe something totally different from what you were actually thinking, apparently. as anyone would, i felt hope when you apologized for being a bad whatever-you-are. i felt hope when you said that your feelings had not changed. but obviously my hope was just deception. i mean, what is wrong with you? what goes on in your fucking idiotic excuse for a brain that tells you to tell me those things? was it just to fuck with me? was it because you don't have an ounce of integrity in you body? or was it because you are a bonafide ass hole?

the answer is d) all of the above.

ive told you this before; im not looking for a boyfriend at the moment. but jesus christ, at least treat me fairly. because making me wait for three and some months, sitting around, patient, going along with your pace as patiently as i could at my expense, was not fair. it wasn't even decent. and im sick of it. im sick of sitting here waiting for you to be in the mood to be interested while i torture myself with your misleading signs and suggestions. all that waiting, all those rejections, big and small, have taken a toll on me. i am not invincible. things like that dont just bounce off me like you mistakenly assume they do. i am not made of steel. i am just a girl.

what did i do exactly? what did i do for you to suddenly decide that im not worth the nonexistent effort and humiliate me like that? was it because once or twice i got upset and decided to share my thoughts and feelings? to let you know that, yes, i am human, i do have feelings? and they werent even that bad. actually, id go as far to say that they were down right reasonable after three months of neglect. so dont paint me a drama queen for feeling pain. if you want an apology for my feelings, you're not going to hear one.

the thing is you dont want to try. you dont want to put any effort into shit. and you are being a selfish prick for expecting me to. it only confirms that this whole time you didnt even care at all. but thats fine. i dont need you anyway.

so im done. i dont need this shit and you need to realize that im not here for your periodic entertainment. so no. we are not "chillin". we are not even talking right now. you've wasted so much time these past three months, and you decide now that your not into it? that it isnt worth your precious time? well i could have made that easier for you a long time ago. no it isnt worth it. and its a general fuck up and lack of moral integrity on your part to let this go on for so long and let me hurt this much because you dont have enough fucking courage to tell me the truth.

so thanks for wasting my time. its been a pleasure.

if you want to actually try and repair this or make any sort of effort at all, man up and actually do it and don't wait three and half months to make a decision. because then ill just laugh at your face.

otherwise, go fuck yourself. because it not like your going to find anyone else, anyway.

havent posted in a while. and ive decided that in order to aid my mental health/sleeping patterns, i will journal more often in order to channel my rollercoaster emotions in a healthy way. yes. that did sounds like it came from a brochure. ah well. lets see if those brochures are right.

parents: good weeks and bad weeks. this week has been really really good. best ive seen it. but imnot going to let myself get too hopeful. its not necessarily going to endure. but at least i can enjoy it for a while. there is nothing wrong with that i hope. mothers day was really good. dad came over both the day before and day of to hang out.i woke up early mothers day to get her some pastries at the panaderia. she loved that. and then dad and i cooked dinner and watched a good movie. all the while i neglected my AP Psych test which is tomorrow. but i think it was a healthy neglect to be honest. i dont get moments like that too often, you know.

it hasnt been all dandy though. just a few weeks ago, in spring break, it was really bad. their anniversary was while my mom and i were in pennsylvania doing a college trip and there were a lot of tears that she was trying to suppress greatly on my account. i wish she wouldnt do that. although i say that now, and when she does finally cry, im going to wish she would cover it back up and seal it away neatly again. im just like that. its sick and twisted and wrong but i already knew this. im human i guess. but yeah. and then the day i came back i literally have never heard anything so horrible as my mothers scream. it had never been that bad. ever. rude awakening to the place i didnt want to come back to. especially after days with my life-time friends. anyway. i had a hard time transitioning that week. i just felt very awkward. i think it was both my parents and the stark contrast of people again. the kid also didnt text me all break which was great too. this gives a great transition into the next update.

the boy: again. didnt text me all break. especially when he basically rejected me the day before i left when i asked him to come to the movies with him. my first time asking a guy out myself. crash and burn. sucks right? i wish i could translate how stupid i felt into text but that would take another full paragraph so i am going to spare the internet of memory space. anyway. i felt like shit. he had a solid excuse. and i would have felt ok but then he didnt try to contact me all break. and i was like great. so i also had to deal with that the week i came back. which wasnt dealt with at all. fast forward past several action-less weekend when it comes to him (all moderately awkward in a certain sense) to two weekends ago, when he had a party/get at his house. i could tell he was trying. in his own little special shy stupid way. and i liked it. it was cute. but when it came down to it we didnt hook up and i was PMSing and i was mad and my friend and i didnt want to go home so i sent him a facebook message that was totally uncalled for. i mean. it wasnt that bad. but i think for us it kind of was really radical. any other boy it would have been standard procedure. but this is not any other boy so all that is null and void i guess. anyway. he reacted very well. he said we should talk in person. which i give him major props for doing. because most guys would rather do whatever with no eye contact to make it easier on themselves. but thats so him. and thats part of the reason why i like him. anyway. and then, when i left the party, i didnt say goodbye to him. which was really rude i realized after. and apparently he told his friend who told me that he said i didnt say goodbye to him. which kinda broke my heart. because that meant he cared whether or not i said goodbye. and then my facebook inbox just ruined everything. so basically i fucked up. it wasnt a large fuck up. but i still did. and let me tell you, i usually dont fuck up that often. not ruffle my feathers. but in general its true. anyway. so i knew i needed to apologize to him but all week (which was kinda cut in half with holidays and AP's) i didnt get a chance until this past friday night. he said he need to leave so i walked him to my door (i had a few friends over) and i told him that i need to apologize for a few things. he said that i didnt have to say it. that he understood. but i knew i had to say it. it was my punishment i guess. so i did. and then he said that he should be the one apologizing. i was really confused. so he said, albeit awkwardly and resigned and just so him, that he hasnt been the best "...you know...". because of course he couldnt really say the word out loud. which. actually. i dont even know what we are so i forgive him for that i guess. anyway. i dont fully remember a few things. but basically i think he said that whatever we had went into decline and stuff. which is true. havent hooked up with him in forever. so then i said that it occured to me a week or so ago that a lot of guys tend to assume that all girls want boy friends over the summer (its true! they do!) but i didnt want that at all for reason X Y and Z. he had like this look of physical pain right before i said it so i told him to chill out. which he did. so he said that he didnt assume that. and i forgot to ask what exactly he did assume then so ill have to ask him that soon. and then we said some other stuff and we said goodbye and he went home. but then i realized i forgot the most important part of the talk! so i texted him after a while and said that my feelings havent changed or anything etc. pretty light i think, not heavy at all. then he responded that his havente either (SQUEEE. because ive been doubting it). so lets see if he pulls through. so i said that i'd see him at this one party, trying to be sugestive and shit. and of course he is him so he didnt get it and asked if i wasnt going to school that week of something. que face slap. so i said that i was making a reference to the party aka hooking up. but i dint say that last part. and he was like oh ok yeah see you there. thats what i get for trying to flirt. sigh. so then sunday i text him telling him this genius fun fact (its our thing i guess. sharing fun facts.) and he didnt respond. but it was mothers day and i knew how he often tends to turn his phone off for extended amounts of time so i didnt worry about it too much. so then i saw him today in the locker room and we semi-awkwardly didnt say anything to eachother. and then, totally taking me by surprise because he NEVER initiates conversation, he was like, hey. he said this loudly because he was sort of far away from me also increasing the incredulation i felt. and i was like what. he said he read my fun fact so i walked over discussed it etc. (which was nice and funny because he is like that) and then i left early to sleep cuz i wasnt feeling well and also to study for psych.

longest paragraph ever. but i know now one is going to read it so that is why it is so long. its just nice to get it out. anyway, i really really want to hook up with him on wednesday. like. im going crazy. anyway. im tired. im going to sleep. this was nice. journaling that is. i really hope this boy works out. we'll see i guess. :)