I think I finally may have come up with a good way to explain what I mean when I talk about faith stuff and needing someone to be at the same level I am, able to encourage and support, to share in it, etc.

My disclaimer to this is that I realize that talking about theater in extremely glorified terms, and if someone were truly this obsessed about it, I would worry and say that is a very unhealthy thing. However, if “theater” is representative of God/faith, it truly is the most important thing and people’s lives should be centered on that.


You’re in play, and theater is the most important thing in your life and it matters a ton. But I’m not in the play, and I don’t know anything about it. Or maybe I sort of do, but I don’t actually care about it for myself and I don’t really understand why you love theater so much and why it’s so important to you. But, because I know that it is important to you, I am supportive of your acting and try to be encouraging, but it’s only for your sake and I really don’t get it at all. So you go to rehearsal and you practice your lines at home, and I stay out of your way and maybe ask occasional questions, but mostly it’s just your thing and I don’t mess with it.

When I read your script I don’t get anything out of it, but when you read it, you know all the ins and outs of the story, and who reads each line, and the lines you laughed over at practice, and the lines that people struggled or debated over, and all of the different memories and connotations come to mind when you look at the script. You might try to explain them to me, and I’ll smile and laugh maybe some, but I still won’t actually understand what it’s all about.

When it comes time for your performance I’ll wish you good luck (which isn’t really the proper thing to say, but I don’t know why it matters) and come watch the show, but there’s no way I can understand your nerves or excitement or how it feels to be waiting in anticipation to go on stage or the thrill you get from performing. I still don’t understand why you like it so much, but I know it makes you happy and you get something from it, so I’m happy for you.

Sometimes I get just a little annoyed how much time you spend with theater, thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it--it’s not a big deal, but it creates tense moments between us because I don’t understand and don’t share in your passion for this thing. We can work through those, but then maybe you try to put a bit of a damper on your own enthusiasm for my sake, even though I don’t want you to do that, in all reality it makes things easier. You compromise some of your love for theater to get a long better with me.


This is an okay relationship. It’s not bad. It’s not like I’m always saying bad things about theater or trying to make you give it up. Things could be much worse, but they could be so much more beautiful. Imagine this scenario:

We are both in theater. It is the most important thing in both of our lives. We are both in the same play, we go to rehearsal together and are excited to be experiencing the same things together. When we are at home we help each other practice--we work on character development, give pointers and suggestions, read lines for each other, and always encourage each other--and of course, we have a great time doing it. We both love theater, and we both understand why the other loves it so much too. It’s not always easy and fun; sometimes we have to work through criticism from the director and struggle with getting things right, but we’re supportive of each other and help each other wok through it.

When we read the script we both think about the same things and share funny and difficult memories from rehearsal--every line holds meaning for us and we can envision the whole thing taking place. We don’t have to explain these things to each other, but we often remind each other of things we may have forgotten and encourage each other with the role that we each play.

As the performance gets closer, it’s all we can talk about. We’re both excited and nervous on opening night and understand how each other feels. When we say “break a leg” we know the depth of what that means and wish each other the most heartfelt encouragement we could through just those few words--there’s a depth of understanding that’s hard to even explain. We both know the nerves of waiting to go onstage and the thrills of performing.

After the play, we talk about the performance late into the night. We go over every detail and enjoy the memories of how incredible it was. We can’t wait for the next performance and know that we will both love theater until the day we die. We don’t have to explain ourselves to each other--we both know why we love it,--and we’re both excited that the other loves it all just as much. And this shared love helps us love each other all the more.


Dear friend, we have to be in this play together or you will never understand fully what it means to me and I can never fully share the joy of it with you.

I can’t explain it all, and I can’t enjoy it if you don’t, but I can’t let go of it so I’ll have to let go of you. Even if you’re a beginner, I’m starting over too-- we can learn it together. But I’m heading in this direction, with or without you. I know that’s harsh, but I am sure that this is the only thing in life that matters and I refuse to let it go.


--To push the analogy a little further, these are 3 potential situations and outcomes I can imagine:

I still love theater, but I’ve been away from it for a long time. I just started again, and since I know it’s the most important thing in life and I do love it, I don’t want to let anything mess that up. It would help me out tremendously if I were to get close to someone already in theater, someone who knows all about it and can help and encourage me and teach me. I would learn quickly and it wouldn’t be difficult and I could join the ranks of seasoned performers in no time.

Or, I could be close to someone who is starting out, just like me. He might not have as much past experience as I do, but it’s been a long time for both of us and we’re both coming back at the same time. So we start this adventure together and neither of us completely knows what we’re doing but we know once it makes sense it will be worth it. So through figuring things out, asking questions, reading books, and talking to the director, we eventually do learn and find our place among the actors. This is probably a slower and more difficult process than the previous scenario, but we would fully understand each other (whereas in the other one it was two distinct levels and the other person wouldn’t have understood much of my apprehension or confusion). And when we did make it there, we would consider our journey well worth it and be glad that we were in it together.

Now, this last scenario I would most want to avoid. Like the last scenario, I am close to someone who used to be involved in theater like I did. Only this person has no desire to go back, but I do. So I try to go back and I’m all by myself trying to learn all these things and it’s really difficult. I talk to this person about it, and he tries to be encouraging for my sake, but since he has no desire to go back themselves, he really isn’t all that encouraging after all. One of two things might happen: One, I persevere through it and eventually figure it all out and pursue my life as an actor, all the while being close to this guy who has no desire to be part of it, which is always a slight rift between us, but I just don’t talk about it a ton and it’s okay (but really not good). Or, two, I get discouraged because it’s hard and the fact that I’m so close to someone who doesn’t really want anything to do with theater wears on me, and I’m just starting out with it again and I began thinking that maybe theater isn’t so important after all, it’s easier to drop out when I’m not so far in, and I’m not so sure about it, so I eventually decide to just quit and give up theater. He feels bad for me because he knows I did like it, but he doesn’t see it as such a big deal because he didn’t care a whole lot about theater in the first place.

I refuse to let this last scenario happen, which is why I need to be careful and can’t let myself start making excuses and compromises. But between the first two-- I always used to think that only the first scenario would be acceptable, but actually, the more I think about it, the second one is pretty beautiful. Much more difficult, but quite beautiful.




We shall see where life will lead

You may have noticed my lack of updates in the past months. (or if you are IcyColour, you have for sure noticed ;) ) Well, there is a reason for this. I’ve had no inspiration. More than that, I’ve been lollygagging around in my head and thinking about all sorts of things, some very productive, some not so much, and been finding that I’m something of a wreck and have a miserable long way to go in becoming the person I want to be and the person God wants me to be. But I let these thoughts get me down instead of letting them be a positive challenge. I also let other things get in the way of having a positive outlook. I still know that I have a long way to go in the postiveness aspect of things, but through conversations and prayer and my own determination to move on, I’m starting to be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel, some joy in little things, some peace, and some inspiration.

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Sharing time

and

Travel

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Here it is! At long last, I am going to record the simple profoundities that this song stirred in me. I bought this song and “Breathe” about 2 weeks ago and spent a couple days going around w/ my iPod just listening to them over and over and over…and each time it would strike me just a little… here are some of my thoughts:

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