McSweeney's Internet Tendency

Happy birthday, America.

“Somehow he’s escaped containment. They were supposed to throw a burlap sack over Mr. Chestnut’s head, like they do when subduing an ostrich, and take him away once he’d finished the pile of hot dogs. But now he’s loose, and he’s picked up your scent. Here is what to do…”

Are you George, Alexander, Thomas, or Ben?

“Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend its tired text and interpret the super-secret invisible version that tells you exactly what you want to hear.”

“The diary of Martha Jefferson revealed that Monticello was nearly renamed Monti-hello because of the hordes of people who came to see Jefferson’s self-evident low-po in person.”