Who can teach a lesson worth learning?

Fuck this.  I'm not going to come back here any more.

False child of god signing out.

ciao

Things have been going better recently.  I don't seem to be getting the mood swings so violently these days, I'm not sure why but I suppose not drinking is helping.  It seems weird to think that I haven't drunk in over four weeks.  The health kick is still in full swing, I can jump a full inch higher than I could a month ago!  Self hatred and urges are down as well.  I'm pretty scared about the future but I'm going to face it as best I can and other self affirming clichés...

In other news I think I may be getting into Latino rap...  Not sure how that happened.

Shit.  I guess it was only a matter of time but still.  I don't usually get upset when people I don't know die but I'm actually really gutted about this, I didn't know him but I loved his music and I guess that means I loved a little bit of him.  I'll stop being emo now.

Sometimes days go speeding past
Sometimes this one seems like the last
It's a sad and beautiful world
It's a sad and beautiful world

RIP Mark Linkous.

Take a look at yourself in a mirror who do you see looking back?
Is it the person you want to be?
Or is there someone else you were meant to be, the person you should have been, but fell short of?
Is someone telling you you can’t or won’t? Because you can.
Believe that love is out there.
Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.
Sometimes happiness doesn’t come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.
Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.
So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be. Believe that.
And believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.

LIES.

I tried to start an argument in the nurses office today when I was there today to ask for therapy and help getting my life on track.  I saw some sappy motivational bullshit on the wall and I sneeringly referenced its hypocrisy.  She turned around to me and said; 'Not everyone is as 'intelligent' as you, some people need something to believe in.'  I couldn't help but laugh and tell her that bitterness always wins.  Therapy could be fun...

Regret is my constant companion.  I am surrounded by reminders of the things I have lost and the things I have done.

 

I am not lonely.  I have the ghosts of times and loves lost to malevolently keep me company.  I walk arm in arm with a lost world where everything is gone.

 

I am so very tired.  This weight is all I have to keep me to this earth but carrying it is a bitter, herculean task.

 

It is frightening how much I crave sleep, the time when oblivion is closest and only the most tenacious of thoughts can but rarely reach me.

 

There is no one left to blame but me, that thoughtless, gutless fool.

 

Actions are just mistakes we haven’t come around to regretting yet.

So.  Turns out everybody thinks I'm crazy these days.  Well, not everybody but enough that in the last few days I've been doing some serious re evaluation of the condition of my mental health.  Its so odd, some days I feel just fine and in control of myself and at other times its as though all I need is an excuse to plunge over the abyss.

Therapy is looming on the horizon and despite feeling like it won't help me I'm trying to be optimistic, It might do, I might not get committed and it might help me convince Sarah and my parents that I'm trying to get my shit together.  I am trying, I really am but it's hard when I'm just waiting for the next mood swing/self-inflicted catastrophe.

'Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.'
F. Nietzsche

I feel like I'm running out of things to believe in.  People can't fix anything, they try and their intentions are good but you can't glue lives back together with coffee and company.  Music eludes me, it doesn't make sense in my head right now.  It seems so awkward and featureless.  I can't believe in my self, I'm just an angry stupid little boy.  I feel nothing but shame for what I have done and what I have become.  I would like to live my life again and kill the person I am now.  Life would be much easier if I believed in re-incarnation.  I have nothing to be proud of because everything I do is done out of necessity.  I wish I had the time to remember everything I've done and fix it but you can't fix the world.  I feel pathetic, I really do, I only really have one gift, I'm an outstanding liar but what good is that?  All I've done with it in the long run is bring myself harm.  Jesus, reading this back makes me sick, if I read someone else writing this I'd tell them to grow a fucking pair and get on with life.  How difficult can it be really?  Why do I keep failing to do it then?

I see all the things that I've done which I can't fix and I paper over them with alcohol and lies to my self, I seem to be building a barrier out of my mistakes to stop myself having to try again.

Well, that was unexpected.  I don't feel so good.  I feel really disconnected from the world, like this is happening to someone else now.

Hello pretty white tablet, how are you tonight?

I feel sleepy and I've got places that I'm going to.  I can't go disappearing down the smoke rings of my mind, I need the clarity of now, to paraphrase Dylan. 

I don't want to sleep, there is way too much too do.  So long as I keep doing it I might not notice the lack of purpose too much.  Washing, cleaning, smoking, drinking, writing essays, finding new music, it's all vital.

Such a pretty tablet, you won't take me away will you?  You'll keep me company, keep me sharp, stop the alcohol from killing my brain for tonight. 

Please don't let this stop, please?

</3

I'm finding it hard to see the point right now.  I can't get out of Lampeter which I need to do, I can't find the time to get everything done and I don't see the point in considering the future any more, I don't see my life going anywhere any more, just a dead end job in a dead end town if I'm lucky.

When she was 22 the future looked bright
But she's nearly 30 now and she's out every night
I see that look in her face, she's got that look in her eye
She's thinking how did I get here and wondering why

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say

22 - Lily Allen

I feel the same way about 18 that Ms. Allen feels about 22 because believe me, 22 feels pretty bleak.  This isn't depression, this is just hopelessness.  I'm scared that this is all there is left any more.  Even music seems pretty hollow right now.