maureens

Hello? Livejournal? Are you out there?

so much has happened in the past few weeks. it feels dizzying to think about.

first, my grandfather passed away on monday. the funeral and wake were awful. watching my grandmother kiss him on the cheek goodbye before they closed the casket was the saddest thing i've ever seen. i was a pallbearer for the first time. it was hard. i'm lucky to have had grandparents like them in my life. he knew how to do so many things so well. i took kate into their cellar after the wake to show them the hundreds of jars of canned goods he grew and stored. cherries, apples, pears, applesauce, tomatoes, green beans, corn, jelly and jams, his own wine and popcorn, and so much more. his tools spread out on the workbench. he was cracking jokes last friday morning. i kissed him goodbye a week ago.
old people make me so sad, widows or widowers being the saddest. i don't know. things won't get better, they'll just get different, i suppose. i'll never not miss him. i went to the garage last night to put something away and my grandma was sobbing in the corner, the first time she'd been alone all day. i brought her inside and chewed my tongue so hard to stop from losing it in front of her. i can't imagine that kind of grief, or that kind of loneliness.

i'm currently unemployed. a lot of dramatic things happened at the school where i worked. i was fired over a false allegation, defamed publicly, and then offered my job back all in two quick days. teach for america wanted to place me at another school afilliated with the school that had just fired me for no reason whatsoever, other than that i was persistent about increasing accountability within the adults of the school and having stricter rules with the adults i worked with than anyone else in that place. sometimes i just feel like no one there wanted to do any fucking work, ever. teach for america wanted to place me at another school teaching three year olds again, starting completely over, at a school with a similar track record, no security cameras (the only thing that cleared my innocence in this incident) and no social workers. no thank you. they weren't flexible at all, and frankly, i wasn't a teacher. crowd controller, at best. three year olds are barely ready for school, let alone a tfa type scenario. i don't know. i drew a boundary, and it wasn't respected. so, i quit. i need a job. i think it will come. we'll see, it has been too hectic to look for a job lately.

anyway, seen on a church marquee in rural ohio: count your blessings, not your problems. go bucs.

so, things that are good:
1. kate, who has been there with grace and care every step of the way during this challenging november
2. i have a good, safe home, and am lucky for it
3. my family has been incredible through everything
4. there are new job posts every day! something will come up.
5. i have money saved so i should be okay
6. my grandma gave me grandpa's hammer. very special.
7. more time to be SANE again
and much more, i'm sure.

i keep turning things over in my mind, things my grandpa said, things my uncle and dad said, things my mom said. drive almost five hours east or west, there's a world of trouble and problems in any direction. adulthood, impending.

As of today, I have been living in Chicago for five months. It is strange that I haven't set foot anywhere outside of Illinois in that long. I've barely even left the city limits, and still, there is so much I haven't seen, done, or tried.

Most of the time I really do love it here. Sometimes I wish it was smaller, or less expensive, but I'm doing well and saving money and meeting new people. Most of them are three or four years old, but they're people too. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss adult contact so much, though. I miss conversations. Not that Kate or our roommate Mark don't do a great job of keeping me sane, getting me drunk, or watching films or talking about the news, I just miss so many people in general. Normalcy. I miss Von, and Becca, Jordan, and Chris a lot. New York, Italy, Amsterdam and Paris, is where they all are. So glamorous. Geez. I still think Chicago is a diamond ring.

Our place is perfect. It's not too big or small, and we get copious amounts of light in the living room. I have a million plants around. It's usually pretty neat, but not so neat that it is creepy. I love watching our cat, Ira, run and slide across the hall on the wood floors, hind legs all in a scuffle tripping underneath his belly. I crack up every time. The records and books stacked up keep us occupied, and even though I have less time than ever, I write in my journal more than ever. I think I remember someone telling me this summer that when you start working for someone else instead of yourself, you suddenly have more energy than ever imaginable. I think that is probably true.

The best part about living here is the book club I'm in. A bunch of futurist thinking, left wing ladies in a warm, cozy third floor apartment in Logan Square talk about books and feminist theory for a couple hours every other Sunday or so. Somebody always cooks something good. I felt so happy at the first meeting I cried on the way home. How many times do we cry because we are actually happy? What a small, silly thing- seven or eight or nine girls sitting on low end recycled furniture talking, making my life. How many times in your life does anything actually feel right? Without question?

This morning I woke up and got the paper. I did the dishes and made coffee. Simple, little life. Everyone works so hard, and for what? Conviction gets lost in the mix so quickly sometimes. Can we ever thank our mothers for what they've done for us? I want to see everyone that I love at once, and somehow still not feel overwhelmed, just overjoyed.

my class, on average, started the summer program at 20% mastery of basic math, literacy, and phonics concepts at the adequate level for 5 year olds.

six weeks later, the class average is 79%. that's three and a half months of growth in six weeks.
some increased their average by 60 percent. others, only 10, but every student made considerable growth.

kids are so god damn amazing. i feel so proud of them.
truth that anyone from any place or background or situation is capable of learning, and wants to learn.

Training really sucks. Chicago doesn't, at all. Passed my content test. It is so hot some days I could throw up. Riding my bike on 31st street today, the wind was so thick and heated it felt like a hotspring. A hotspring that fucks with my haircut, anyway.

I love my friends, it is so good to see them again.. and on a regular basis, at that. Brimming with love, and it feels good to work 16-18 hour days Mon-Fri... Looking forward to paychecks soon, though.

My students are the light of my life. They're so small, adorable, and wriggly, and hilarious and we dance and sing. And so far behind. Half of them don't know the alphabet at 5, or how to make patterns or sort by color. It's dauting to have to catch them up in 16 days... so everything is really busy. But we read books and I give them math tests disguised as games and write notes about their speech patterns and play tag forever. Not sure if I'm qualified for this yet, but very soon, I will be. I'm a certified teacher. What a strange feeling. Kindergarten is a magical, strange place where 15 minutes feels like hours. And nap time feels like fifteen minutes. The kids are confused by my men's clothing, too, which is sort of funny. I think I'm the first remotely gender ambiguous person many of them have had a relationship with, so I get a lot of questions, which are all hilarious. Workin' on that whole thing. Michael Jackson is their favorite. Followed closely by the Lady Gaga crap. WHATEVA

I got an apartment yesterday. Kate and I move in on August 1st, and Mark comes along at the end of August. It's two blocks from the subway and a 10 minute walk to a million and one fun things to do. It's on the corner of Ashland and Thomas, if anyone cares. SECOND FLOOR with a big ole porch. Happy times ahead.

I don't have time to think about anything. Which feels good and bad, you know, I'm sure you all know. If anyone still even reads this? Funny, livejournal. Cute.

chicago is good. so, so good.

and i have never worked harder or longer in my life.

always remember:
never, ever go home for more than four days at a time.

i just... can't fucking do it. no way, no how.

passed the illinois basic skills test: 97%
failed the content area test by 2 questions. got 79% and needed an 80.
have to take it again, take a midnight bus, pay a hundred bucks, all a week before moving to chicago.
really shitty timing.
god i hate standardized tests.

keep on waiting for what we want to come around, right? my daydreams are saturated with sun, color (but not obnoxious color) and spending my weekends in the campus darkroom. my long distance daydreams are about one thing and one thing only, which is being really super nice to kate all the time. i think she is starting to really like me, our plans to move in together are actually materializing. she wants to get a cat with me. that's a big step, i think. i love her, when i'm with her, i feel aglow. i wake up unhappy all the time, i feel alone so much because all of my friends have graduated and moved on from college. it's hard, but not that hard, i know. but, i have her. i have her totally amazing warmth, understanding, support. she really is a god damn diamond, that one.

my photography professor is fantastic. i've never taken an art class past high school, and it's a completely different experience. i felt so much like my high school art teachers... sucked. even the substitutes made the class about the work THEY did, which is so uncool. when i'm a teacher i'm never going to talk about my own accomplishments to my students, because it just distances everyone in a weird way. i want to help them to be powerful. i can't believe i will have a class of students in six months, willing the rest of this process goes as planned. my photo professor is so gentle, kind, patient, and provides so much guidance for us and restricts us as little as possible. it's a really stimulating experience.

my mom wrote me a card when i was younger that said, "please remember that you deserve to achieve all of your dreams, but don't forget that everyone else deserves to achieve theirs, too." sometimes i feel stressed out when i think about all the good things i want for everyone, and sometimes i even feel like if i work hard enough i can get it for them. i know it doesn't work that way but i don't know, sometimes i feel like i can influence things even if i can't.

my thesis is due in three weeks. i'm so close. almost a hundred typed pages, but i need to edit this shit. in book format it would be almost two hundred. that is a freaking book. a work of nonfiction, anyway.

most of the time i just want college to be over, but unlike highschool, i think i'll actually miss it when it's gone. i miss people, not periods in time, anyway.

back to editing my theory section. theory is like a really cute, interesting girl or guy who is secretly a huge bitch. hoorahhhhh!