(anons go here.)
now feeling: relaxed
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foxy mustache girl
15 May 2012 @ 01:36 am
( 2006Collapse )
( 2007Collapse )
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( 2009Collapse )
( 2010Collapse )
2011
february 2011
house of blues, ma: flogging molly [2|27]
march 2011
paradise rock club, ma: travie mccoy [3|22]
april 2011
roseland ballroom, ny: kid cudi [4|21]
house of blues, ma: atmosphere [4|23]
east rutherford, nj: bamboozle [4|29 - 4|30]
may 2011
the webster: panic at the disco [5|@5]
june 2011
manchester, tn: bonarroo
august 2011
comcast center, hartford: blink-182 + mcr [8|14]
( 2007Collapse )
( 2008Collapse )
( 2009Collapse )
( 2010Collapse )
february 2011
house of blues, ma: flogging molly [2|27]
march 2011
paradise rock club, ma: travie mccoy [3|22]
april 2011
roseland ballroom, ny: kid cudi [4|21]
house of blues, ma: atmosphere [4|23]
east rutherford, nj: bamboozle [4|29 - 4|30]
may 2011
the webster: panic at the disco [5|@5]
june 2011
manchester, tn: bonarroo
august 2011
comcast center, hartford: blink-182 + mcr [8|14]
06 July 2011 @ 09:06 pm
when you've been living in it for so long, denial is a really hard place to come out of. it takes an impressive amount of self awareness that, to be honest i never wanted to be capable of. unfortunately for me, my walls are tumbling, the panic is setting in and my emotional barriers are cracking at this very moment.
it happens quickly, this moment of clarity and then reality fills me to the core. forgotten memories reappear and life is so much harder to bear than it was 10 minutes ago. questions i don't want to ask myself begin banging against my skull.
why can't i turn off this voice that tells me i will never be good enough? why is it exactly that i am so desperate to be anywhere but home? why was i so tempted to put home in quotation marks, just then?
And then reality spreads a little further, a clear focus to the once clouded memories and i remember the fear, the absolute terror. why do i lie so much? because the truth can get you in to trouble. you said what he wanted to hear, whether you meant it or not. i remember the welts and the bruises both to my legs and to my sanity. i remember the hiding; he can't find me, he can't do anything.
after the floodgates open, they will never completely reseal. memories seep through slowly yet boldly. i couldn't tell you the last time i believed an i love you from them. until recently i wouldn't have been able to tell you the last time i heard an i love you from them.
you want to know why i don't trust people? do you want to know why it's so hard for me to open up? why i can't emotionally connect? maybe because i never learned.
eventually the walls rebuild. steady as they ever were, and denial floats back in all her glory. i can breathe once more, the skins soaks up my tears and i pretend to face another day.
it happens quickly, this moment of clarity and then reality fills me to the core. forgotten memories reappear and life is so much harder to bear than it was 10 minutes ago. questions i don't want to ask myself begin banging against my skull.
why can't i turn off this voice that tells me i will never be good enough? why is it exactly that i am so desperate to be anywhere but home? why was i so tempted to put home in quotation marks, just then?
And then reality spreads a little further, a clear focus to the once clouded memories and i remember the fear, the absolute terror. why do i lie so much? because the truth can get you in to trouble. you said what he wanted to hear, whether you meant it or not. i remember the welts and the bruises both to my legs and to my sanity. i remember the hiding; he can't find me, he can't do anything.
after the floodgates open, they will never completely reseal. memories seep through slowly yet boldly. i couldn't tell you the last time i believed an i love you from them. until recently i wouldn't have been able to tell you the last time i heard an i love you from them.
you want to know why i don't trust people? do you want to know why it's so hard for me to open up? why i can't emotionally connect? maybe because i never learned.
eventually the walls rebuild. steady as they ever were, and denial floats back in all her glory. i can breathe once more, the skins soaks up my tears and i pretend to face another day.