markiv1111's Journal

markiv1111's Journal

[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in markiv1111's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, June 25th, 2014
5:13 pm	I;m feeling extremely overwhelmed I;m feeling extremely overwhelmed at this point and I really need people to help. There's no huge sofa and most of my stuff comes apart into sections that aren't that heavy, just bulky, and requiring two people to move. I can just imagine myself trying to work out a way to do it all myself, but I don't want to. I already have sore arms from moving boxes arond in the house. I'm not supposed to be doing this all by myself., It'll cripple me were I to try. I can't load boxes until the bigger pieces of furniture have ben put in; I can't really move furniture by myself, so until I get a person or two to help, I'm kind of stuck. I had a husband who promised not to ever leave me again who should be here helping me, but he ruined that. I've been driven nearly mad with grief and loss and I NEED HELP!!! You only have an hour to give, please give it. Tonight? Tomorrow night? This weekend? POST A NEW COMMENT (2 Comments \|Comment on this)
12:54 pm	THE POD HAS COME!!! James and I would like some help loading it. Any time afternoon and evening until its done. I;m feeling extremely overwhelmed at this point and I really need people to help. There's no huge sofa and most of my stuff comes apart into sections that aren't that heavy, just bukly, and requiring two people to move. I can just imagine myself trying to work out a way to do it all myself, but I don't want to. I already have sore arms from moving boxes arond in the house. I'm not supposed to be doing this all by myself., It'll cripple me were I to try. I can't load boxes until the bigger pieces of furniture have ben put in; I can't really move furniture by myself, so until I get a person or two to help, I'm kind of stuck. I had a husband who promised not to ever leave me again who shold be here helping me, but he ruined that. I've been driven nearly mad with grief and loss and I NEED HELP!!!you only have an hour to give, please give it. Tonight? Tomorrow night? This weekend? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 24th, 2014
7:26 pm	MOVING!!! Can anyone help James and I load our POD? It arrives sometime tomorrow and will be here until we have finished loading, probably in a week to ten days, depending on how much help we get. I have osteoarthritis, so I can't do a lot of lifting. James has developed back issues, so I really need some help. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 19th, 2014
5:16 pm	Trying to make sense of the senseless doesnt work meat market see the cuts apart from the dross piles of memories slaughtered to extract what has not been ruined wrap the good and freeze it try not to slip and fall where blood and organs lay spilled in the abattoir years wait for dispatch nervous but clueless take this one now it is fat and full overfed by love's fancy falters as the end rises to free it a life pictures posed and wrong letters filled with lies songs that shaped the days undue roughness wretched faith fighting to survive step to the block take it all for given take it all blood is truth futures plain foretell how feeling lied with words killed with wicked spite took in hand helpless love put it in line with all the others ready for it's demise along with honor hope pulls back faith struggles love expires life escapes resolve remains it is enough to know this path leads away from it leaving behind memories smeared with gore fit for flies and dogs Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2014 (Comment on this)
Monday, June 16th, 2014
12:04 am	Distancing distancing shrug instead of struggle waste no effort on the problem simply say that now is the time to turn away from sadness disavow bad company disconnect from strife destroy self doubt describe yourself so if it happens that you are found not fighting the fight not arming yourself against an foe in whose light you once warmed yourself smile and turn away to other better things living on your own terms loving yourself faithfully smile and shrug saying nothing laugh and leave it it is enough that you see your way Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2014 (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 7th, 2014
12:25 pm	absence sifting sighing while drifting down days freed from foul influence reviving, lifting into light leave it here unsullied unsung unruined desire demands where it cannot reach locked unloved unclaimed lost beauty counted cost untold coldly calculated forget for me forlorn love forsworn promises pray provide protect prick of conscience corellaries cascade restful shadow receding chill truth nil meaning only this: begone all barriers belief buds burst to unfurl new mind new life now (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 29th, 2014
12:27 pm	Changing my mind Note: I'm reposting this as I meant this to be a public post. These days I have a lot of work to do; the hardest work I am doing involves changing my mind. I have been locked in emergency mode for almost two years now. Now that the train wreck that was my life has been largely cleared from the tracks, I am working towards a new life in which the only direction will come from within myself. Yeah, it hurt a lot to lose something valuable, but it hurt even more to learn that the thing I lost wasn't real, after all. that's my past. I'm packing up the past and sending it off to remote storage where I will try to leave it without much thought. Isolating the pathological thoughts like, ";Oh, I can't live with out _______________." I want to live and I can't live with that kind of nonsense in my life. If it was just fun nonsense, like years ago, I'd go on with it. It's over and done. No more debate, no more doubts, no more fresh starts for that aspect of my life. I know enough of the truth now to know that I don't want to know any more. Eight or nine weeks ago, I really felt like I couldn't handle the loss of family and the loss of home. Now I know something I didn't really know two months ago; I deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. I knew this on an intellectual level, but I did not know the emotional reality of it. What I am losing is pain, doubt, grief and anger. These things may linger in the periphery of my mind, but they will lose their ability to hold me back, and eventually, they will be gone. The context of my life needs to change radically so that I can renew contact with my muses. I have been writing a lot in the last couple of years; I thought it was a good substitute for seeing a therapist. While it was better than nothing, it couldn't pull me out of the self-destructive vortex I allowed myself to get sucked into. Changing my mind means not living in a state of constant doubt and tension; changing my mind means giving up things that hold me back and beat me down. It means simply not letting people get to me to the point that I lose part of my identity in a struggle to be heard and understood. It means uncompromising self examination and unstinting adherence to my core values. It has taken me too long to get where I am now, and I will not let anybody or anything stand in my way. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 14th, 2014
11:54 am	breathing breathing is something i can do a tonic for my shattered nerves i'll find a legend straight and true to see beyond the unknown curves this road i'm on i did not choose the map i read was skewed and wrong but i am breathing as i cruise that is enough to keep me strong i will inhale the freshening wind on my shoulder sun will shine all the gifts of life are pinned to this breathing that is mine take a step in time with life move ever outward and away from senseless avarice and strife and i will own this brand new day (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 6th, 2014
12:20 am	waste decayed forage smell the rot once the dog in the manger has ruined for good what once was precious the poison frog is pretty fatal charm make an impression of it's image remember but do not touch jungle logic leads to carnage retreat in darkened places there it is the room to rest cool and quiet remember the loss but count memories sadness in loss sick with sorrow some things we were better off not knowing Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2014 (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 3rd, 2014
5:55 pm	Progress My situation is no different, but my thinking has changed. Last night I was thinking about Nate and myself, and I followed down the thought 'what if Nate changes his mind again and want to be with me and James'. A few weeks ago I still hung on to what I had been telling Nate "You will always have a home with me. I will never give up on you." I've had the intellectual realisation of that being stupid a number of times in the last year. It was an addictive relationship, I knew that, too. Addiction is hard to recover from. Last night I told myself " That's insane. After all the times he's run away, and after the promises he made at Thanksgiving, I would have to be completely out of my mind to let him get near me again." Part of my recovery, just like with drug addicts, is staying away from the people and places where I associated with him, and staying away from him. I can imagine a chorus of hurrahs both from those who are being supportive, and those who wish that I would never again show up at certain places. I know I've been angry, and gave voice to that anger. That's the way I am when people fk with me. This does not mean that I will never again attend a MinnStf meeting or a Minicon. It means that right now, I don't want to take the chance that I will be exposed to the thing to which I am addicted. It also doesn't mean that I am ashamed of anything I've said or done, it's not an admission of guilt, and it sure as hell isn't an apology to those who actively interfered with my marriage. I practiced in my head what I might say to him if he were to ask to get back together. I felt the anger that would have to hold me steady; I told myself that this was the right way to think, and, while anger may not be a good thing in and of itself, it's a helluva lot better than wanting to kill myself. I'm getting stronger, and I don't plan on backsliding. L (1 Comment** \|Comment on this)
Thursday, March 6th, 2014
12:44 pm	Reattribution 'Have you ever been the victim of online gossip, rumors or out and out defamation? I'd like to hear from all of you an share experiences with you. If you are still hurting or if you still have wreckage in your life due to this kind of thing, and don't want to post, PM me. I especially would love to hear from those in the fannish community. It's been brought to my attention that personal judgement is to often based on hearsay and reattribution. Reattribution is what happens when someone hears something about you, then reaches back in memory and rebrands things that happened or things that they heard in the past, and uses those things to justify condemning someone in the present. This is often, but not always, used to castigate someone unfairly. Have you been subjected to unfair treatment based on reattribution? Have you employed reattribution unfairly against someone else? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 5th, 2014
10:45 pm	Tweaked a bit it was a plain conspiracy blackening my name the story told was icy cold my repute to defame how do words go when they go? do they travel on their own? heard and changed and passed along til a brand new tale has grown no matter what I did or said the damage done was real no effort spared yet no one cared to wonder how i'd feel it started with a word or two abusive and controlling around they flew although untrue gained speed as they were rolling passing on from mouth to ear and growing worse with time two spiteful words that flew like birds described a heinous crime abusive and controlling then violent and and depraved for good or ill find what you will i know how i behaved the lie was spoken softly the meaning took it's own repeated ever louder in grief and volume grown and i did protest many times but no one stopped to hear my protests did no good at all the meaning was quite clear the crime still stands uncharged though I've paid for all the rest but i will vanquish my own doubts and master every test i'll never let them break me down the way they did that night they put themselves between us and you know it's not right defamed and judged behind my back i'll never understand how folks who knew me forty years could turn against me and throw me out where I belonged and treated second-rate forcibly separated from the one who is my mate some of you took pleasure in my struggle and in my tears i hope you'll know the truth someday and realize that my tears were as much for you as for myself i wished that i could reach you and let you know i understand but you won't let me teach you I have to laugh now when I think i wasted all those tears and who believes or doesn't won't matter after years the job's ill done;but trust me it's all behind me now you'll think what you want to think when all has passed somehow for its a joke on all of us your words fly out your mouth and into someone else's ears heading ever south and before you know i'm satan i'm the criminal in the dark i'm the freaking antichrist i'm the lurker in the park beware my fearsome weaponry the words, the tears, the love how dangerous can a woman be when that's what she's made of hope and faith, love and trust she held to those straight through the darkest days of all her life and now she says to you i live my life as if in prayer i love with all my heart and if you know a better way then tell me how to start can you right the wrongs done or can you heal the hurts i'd gladly take the treatment and yet my mind asserts i did the best i could, you know i took the best advice i tried to help the one i loved and stumbled once or twice the lie was spoken softly the meaning took it's own repeated ever louder in grief and volume grown and i did protest many times but no one stopped to hear it was no good, my protests the meaning was quite clear no perfect way to end it no easy way to heal no repayment for the loss just the end of a rotten deal Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2014 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
9:24 pm	A purpose I deleted this for a day or so beause I didn't want to overdose everyone who reads this LJ. I;m going to try to limit the expression of pain to the poetry I write. It's good to have a place to release all the sorrow I;m living with. I don't see it ending any time soon. I;m trying not to angry at the people who had to poke at, point at me when I'moutnd about, and then write up their bone-headed observations. Who reports on someone's behavior at a local SF club meeting? No one I want to know, that's for sure. That post by lydy really bemuses me. My behavior is almost always appropriate, which is why the meltdown at Minicon a few years ago was so remarkable.Nate has never been at all respectful of my musicianship. He has nitwpicked my performance in front of a room ful of peple. He pretended to like music I wanted to do; he walked away when I was trying to pay one of my originals for him, sayin,"I dont understand what the problem is with you playing the song." How about osteoarthritis, infectious viral neuritis, tendonitis, nodular synovium, and a pinched nerve or two. Constant chronic pain. And, right, like hydy commmented in August 2012, I was "trying to make Nate have less fun", I'd like to try to make her have less fun, but it's not worth the trouble. I was whiny and complaining for no reason. Oh, I forgot the Ehler-Danlos syndrome that runs in the family. I have a hard time walking or standing a lot; losing 80 lbs. has made a lot of difference, A lot of you may not be aware that I udsed to have a repetoire of about one hundred songs, includingfive or six of the songs I have written. When I had children, I saved the use of my hands for them, they loved to hear me play and sing. I had surgery on my right hand twice in the seventies, and when the osteoartritis started while I was in my 40's, I just stopped playing. gitar was important to my kids were more important. I thought I would just continue to fet worse, and that limiting use made sense. Now I learn that there is a new protocol for those with osteoarthritis where one takes ibuprofen to maintain a therapeutic blood lever, and it limits the damage in the affected joints. It's working; I worry about a couple f my fingers that have gotten quite crooked. Gtta make an appointment to see about that .So don;t hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because you find me honest. Unrelentingly honest. (Comment on this)
7:56 pm	Merit A bird without wings beats the air feet flailing back in the dirt, hurt Feathers adorn a chest plate preen and smile at the pain here; your friends take their share feathers for your hair, her hair, his hair all rainbow colors gone blood red choking on a prayer of forgiveness once joy filled eyes gutter go dark well done my steely warrior well done Proudly walk back home feathers dripping blood washed, the red goes, all the colors gone dead the smell of death hangs there a just reward Flying lightly shriven, weightless now alight with angels dancing, the clouds a playground beyond love, beyond death beyond your reach Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013 (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 29th, 2013
6:11 pm	I write: dying inside don't look at me like that for you have gained power from my tears and despair you plant the seeds of sorrow instead of cultivating the crop of caring; then you ask why i weep and why i thrash and complain you look sidewise to alter your view, you expect you have the gift to transform the lead of betrayal into the golden glory of promises passed over abandoned like empty candy wrappers where do i find relief and when will you let me simply live my days one by one in loving you as i have it has become a game you lull me into thinking i'm safe in your arms, precious in your heart but it's false fools gold laughter and derisiion in between the lines your performance worthy of award for best attempt to steal my peace, and i need my peace more than i need you this is not the way we promised ourselves one to the other and you know it here i stand, i have chosen the high road though i fall to your level with the advent of love's lament i needed you beside me equal measures of love and faith in our practice of pairing you have faded to a dim reminder of devotion's duty dirty windows and doors hanging on one hinge disorder rules the days while disaster masters the nights; only know this: love is not an object this seed will not yield what you have planted save your effort to bring me down save yourself if you can remember that you were once upon a time the dearest and brightest star in my mind's eye Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013 (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 26th, 2013
9:41 pm	The end. Acccording to several doctors in psych wards and emergency rooms, and at his clinic, Nate Bucklin suffers from a catalog of mental and emotional problems including dementia. This means that sometimes he doesn't understand what is happening around him. This also means that sometimes he doesn't understand what someone says to him. This means that he will blame others for things for which they obviously had no responsibilty. His memory is more than spotty, it is weird and twisted. Stuff goes in and gets mixed with fantasial elements and macabre elements. So, go ahead and believe everything he says. Just don't try to use what he tells you. His emotional state has never been stable and now it's completely unmoored especially when he has to deal with anything related to Real Life. You may tell yourself that I am making stuff up; lying; being vindictive. Well, I may be a bit vindictive. I;m working on that, really, I am. I have a debt of sorrow that I will never get the social capital to pay. Nate will say anything about me at any time. From love to hate, from indifference to obssession; from knowledge to confusion. He is flapping in the wind, and if you want to try to hold him down, you are welcome to try Just don't blame me for the way he is now. I didn't do this to him. I didn't cause him to lose his values, or his dignity, or his ability to love in a mature manner. Put me down as an old cranky housewife with an axe to grind. I can play that. I just don't want to. I have decades of useful life ahead of me, and many things to fill those years with. I regret only one thing; that no one who knew told me about his history of violence with women. A few people knew the truth, and could have saved me the heartbreak of learning that after over ten years of marriage. Very sad. I adored Nate, I worshiped the ground he walked on. I would have done anything for him. I have done everything I can for him, but that is over now. The rest of you can love him as he is, as his social persona is still functioning to some extent.. Just don't swallow everything he says, as you will find that you have swallowed an undigestible lump. He is still loveable as a social being, for the time being, at least. Remind him to wash his face if you think to care about his personal hygiene. He is helpless and needy, and I love him forever. I just can't be his wife anymore. He is no longer capable up holding up his end of the relationship, and since he got violent with me, he's not safe for me to be around It's almost more than I can bear to see him like I did earlier today. He has taken a hateful posture, and he may actually believe the things he's saying about me. Love him, if you can without getting hurt. Watch out, keep him out of danger. Look to see how it really is, or talk to me. I'm not the monster he has made me out to be, any more than his first wife was the monster he has always made her out to be. Help him to blunt the anger he harbors towards women and help him ease the burden of being a man who has committed violent acts. Make him smile if you can. Soothe his fears. Broken hearted, I sit and let it go now. It's over. It's really over. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 23rd, 2013
6:49 pm	winning isn't everthing who will be the first to say she asked for it she had it coming it took you long enough tattooed with bruises to remind her that she should never have tried should never have asked should never have loved the shape changer blameless and needy deserving of aid in his distress wreck the wrack that ruined him she the shameless one run to him, hail him with hoorahs and give him the moon and the stars for her yield up scorn by the bushel; with bated breath wait to turn the blade watch her twist and turn under the light of life's charges state your charge no answer required you all know how she is who will say hes not like that would never don't believe it we know better faked bruises she hurt herself he would never how can we believe such a thing all victims copyright 2013 this one is for each and everyone of you who have struggled with fear, shame, and screwball blame for having gotten in the way of someone's fist (Comment on this)
Friday, August 9th, 2013
5:54 am	trust-love-because / ask-take-hurt or grasshopper always lose in fight with chicken August 5, 2013 Dear Goddess: People are not nearly as bad as they sometimes appear; no surprise to you, I'm sure. One is impressed by the pure unadulterated malice with which some people apply what they call principles. I have renounced the organized practice of Christianity in favor of living what I think is a good life based of the principles that Christ was known to have lived and died by. Miracle or no, it's just good sense to take care of the living things and people around you so that you can give and receive the gift of aliveness. The reverse is also, unfortunately, also true. Sweetness and innocence with a smile and a twinkle of the eye can wreak untold damage when the charmer is taken into the bosom of a peer group and feted and cosseted and given whatever he seems to want. There is a special danger in the form of charismatic individuals who think they are forces of nature, able and entitled to belly crawl up to the gate and blast away without having the faintest bloody idea of what the effects will be, much less checking to find out if something is right, legal, or ethical. A personality can be smeared from a distance, locked on in the sights, and be subjected to character assassination, slander, and libel and other things so foul and unbelievable that I won't use the words here. I've learned a ton about how to ferret out the truth in the last year, after having been kept in the dark completely by several people who might have limited the damage by saying a few things at the right time. Poverty of spoken language or written language in our peer group is almost unknown; the opposite has become the norm for some with the advent of electronic media. I pray for everyone every day; that all will find themselves back to where they belong safely with no harm to anyone. Shit happens, though, and then one deals. I've gotten pretty good at that these last 365 days. Adjusting one's vantage; then justifying the view one can stand upright and say,:This is who I am; this is how I move through the days of my present times. We are blessed, moustress (Louie here: Y'all take care; don't be strangers, and talk about the things that need airing. Be kind in how you reflect your views as you move through the maze of overconnectedness. Don't be sorry; be good. !xo? ) (1 Comment \|Comment on this)
Saturday, July 20th, 2013
6:54 pm	trace we walked heads hanging where trees darkened the path ahead tripping on roots where the earth was heaved up our feet knew the obstacle well but not well enough twilight trapped the words as they tumbled out held them in porphyria, meaning muffled myriad pieces strewn about we held ourselves up for measure by the intended purpose letting go of words and weary wishing taking on the gathering gloom embracing the altered view night beckoned and we nodded agreement for this day to end letting go instead of grasping shadows in our hands epoch of the heart's flight sights set on survival we walked (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 6th, 2013
8:51 pm	remnants Louie here: You all are so quiet, I suppose you think those dark days will pass from your view...think again. Nate told me to post this here; it's pretty raw stuff, but Nate thinks I should take my place at his side as his equal in the arena of bardmanship. I write in order to survive from day to day. I wasn't sure about this one; not that I think it isn't well written. It's a appropriate distillation of the last year, though. remnants think fast now while you listen to me you took something that I needed left me standing then let me fall and you let me die unheeded your minion stood by while you waited as my body was taken away it worked out well for you, i guess a good night's work, you say catch the scene, now, and watch the show while you see your precious things are recovered and you are happy while I bleed with broken wings as many deaths as there are moments more pain than I could have thought you twist my soul and blacken my name what it is that you sought? take it all, take everything and leave me no where to stand you have your friends and your guitars and I guess you think it's grand to have such loyal troops to lead your enemy had not a chance whatever it was that brought on this war you've won; do a victory dance dance for the day dance for the night wave your arms in the air sweet victory sweet victory oh joy without compare I guess I didn't die that time through days and nights of tears you brought me up short again, again no relief from all my fears imprisoned by love, chained by grief you watched as they dragged me away you watched as my hope and faith in you died then you turned aside that day look now on the glory of all you won look sharp on the history writ you want to forget it happened at all but I'll never be free of it i see you clear in my mind's eye as you shrug and turn away and never a thought did cross your mind of what happened to me that day chance or hope chance or hope do I take a chance and hope? love for you love for me am I really such a dope? how can I love a man who tried to break my faith so meanly my love will not die a quiet death the thing still lives, uncleanly the taste of ashes for dessert with the banquet piled on the ground we carry on as the remnants rot and weep without a sound for no one cares so much as we and we cringe from each other now and go to sleep in separate rooms it's all that love will allow Louie Spooner Bucklin (Comment on this)

[ << Previous 20 ]

About LiveJournal.com