I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be writing this, at least not this soon. I always imagined A7X would be the band I'd grow up with and still go to their shows when I'm old, like the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Ozzy ect. Who knows what they're going to do now, but I'm not thinking about the future right now, this is a time for Jimmy.

I never met him in person or any of the boys, but I am lucky enough to have 4 concerts under my belt from them, the most I've ever seen from one band. A7X has been my favorite band for 5 years and they've saved me through a lot of fucked up shit in my life. Jimmy was always the crazy, wacky one that stood out from the group. I feel guilty cause I never gave him enough credit that he deserved, I was always watching Syn or Matt at the shows. But Jimmy was amazing in his own ways and he was never flashy about it. He was a true insperation to me through his unique way of seeing the world and the way he carried himself. Most sensible people would be like "Why are you inspried by this tattooed, drunken, crazy freak?" Well I think there's a little bit of that in all of us, that crazy side of us that we all hide. Jimmy wasn't afraid to hide himself at all, he was always himself in every situation. It might've gotten him in trouble a few times, but it is truly insperational.

Jimmy's story is also the true rags to riches story. He was homeless through most of his teenage years, and then 10 years later he's doing world tours, meeting his idols, recording his own music, and having the funnest time of his life with his best friends. I believe that was his dream and he set out to do it exactly as that. I've never met anyone who had that much determination and who was so carefree about it at the same time.

I'm not going to go on and on because everyone here has said a lot of what I wanted to say already, and I won't requote people. The only thing else I will say is that Papa Gate's blog really helped me put his death into a comfortable perspective, though I am no where near done greiving for him. I've been in a numb haze all day and I wrote "RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan 2/10/81-12/28/09" on the back windshield of my car so everyone will know and remember him. Papa Gates's blog really touched me though because it was someone from the inside of the A7X family who really knew him well that was telling us who Jimmy really was. "But as is always the case with a person of such pure spirit, he was simply too beautiful and fragile to walk this earth for long. God touched him with the gift of art, but not the gift of resilience to handle a harsh and cruel world." Those words right there are what helped me realize that while his young death is tragic and should of never happened, that Jimmy will be alright where ever he is now.

Me and my two best friends are having a little mini wake tomorrow for New Years. We're watching all the A7X dvd's, we're making a cake, we're getting drunk, and we're celebrating his life. We're having the best New Years for Jimmy because we know he wants us all to, he wants all of us to smile at his crazy antics and to always keep him in our hearts. I hope everyone is coping well and helping each other deal with this. We're not just a fanbase, we're a family.

"Come on you kids, stand your ground
This is your show, it's your family"

"Through the problems thick and thin and problems we'll fight through
This is to my brothers; I'll be there for you"

Jimmy's death has also taught me a lot about myself. It's crazy how you can go from being one person and then ten minutes later have your whole personality shattered with two words. "Jimmy's Dead." When I first found out I was horrified, thinking it was some cruel joke that someone posted on Burn Halo's myspace. Then I saw Papa Roaches twitter and I thought it might be real but I didn't want to believe it. When I read the offical statement from the boys, I broke down. I cried my heart out and it felt like my whole world was gone. A7X is one of the very few constants in my life that I hold dear, and now one of the boys is gone forever. There are murderers on the streets still, but a good man had to die on monday. The world truly is cruel and hard, and its so difficult imagining what the guys are going through and what Jimmy's family and wife are going through. I'm just some fan who never knew him and I'm so torn up about it. It feels like my own close friend is gone and I never met the man. It's so crazy, but it's true.

Death is so permanent and it's really made me rethink things in my own life. Fuck, I've been thinking none stop since Monday night when I found out about this. I realized that I worry about the stupidest things, things that arn't going to matter when I'm gone too. It's going to be so hard going back to school and being surrpounded by the petty shit like "omg! my boy friend just said i'm a bitch." "she just backstabbed me" "oh my god I didn't turn in that one homework assignment." And none of them are going to understand what I'm going through. I don't think even my close friends will fully understand, but I know they will respect me enough to try to and thats all I can ask for. It's just so hard to face the world when the world feels like it's going to swallow you whole, destroy you like it did your idol. But Jimmy did teach me to always be myself and to never give up my dreams and I won't. I am determined to do what I love now and fuck anyone else who thinks differently.

I've been in a numb haze all day, and it probly won't go away for a long time, but I will pull through this because I am strong and because Jimmy wants us all to. He wants all of his fans to laugh and be happy, and I will be in time, for him<3

title: Look me in the eye
author:Mariagatesdirnt
pairing:Matt/Johnny
summery:Johnny meets a mysterious man in a bar. He sees the man is troubled and angry at the world, Johnny's determinded to find out why this stranger is so isolated from everyone and everything. Will he beable to make him crack?
Dedication:To any one who reads and comments it. :]
Disclaimer: If i owned a7x, there'd be no insperation for writing slash ;]



Intense











“So yea, he then said ‘why would I wanna be friends with a short stupid immature kid who doesn’t know when to leave me alone?’”
“Geez dude, that’s harsh” My best friend spoke to me as I ranted and raved about what happened.
“I know, but I’m going to go talk to him today.”
“Johnny, I think you should just stop, I mean this guy obviously doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“I can’t do that Zacky, I don’t know why but I want to help him, he needs help, I can feel it.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt, you don’t even know this guys name.”
“Zacky, look, this is something I have to do.” I heard him sigh before he caved.
“Ok fine, just be careful ok?”
“I will, don’t worry.” He sighed again and explained that he had to go. I let him off the hook and he hung up. I decided to ignore his words. I went into my room and started to get ready to go out again.

After about an hour I finally got my hair to go the way I wanted it to, the blonde and black sticking up at just the right angles, I admired my reflection for a moment. After a moment of awkward silence with myself, I moved away from the mirror and grabbed my car keys in one swift movement before I went out and shut the door to my apartment behind me. I didn’t care if I was going to get hurt again, for some reason I had to do this.

I walked in there to find him already there, in the same bar stool, with the same drink, and the same blanket of hot anger around him. I smiled a little before walking up to him. This time, I was nervous, I didn’t know how he was going to react. I sat next to him without making a sound, he was staring ahead, obviously lost in his own thoughts. He jumped when he heard my voice so close to him when I ordered my first drink. He gave me a look that could kill.
“Hello again.” I said, trying to manage a smile. He only glared at my happiness. By this time the bartender had served me, and I grabbed the liquor swiftly, almost too quickly for my liking. He gave a long sigh before taking a sip of his drink. I too, took a sip.
“So, how ya been?”
“Are you kidding me?” he asked in that same way he had before.
“I guess not that great huh?” He ignored me again, I just sighed.
“I’ve had my share of problems too, but life gets better, you just gotta look more closely at the positives.” I said, hoping that I’d make some progress in bringing him around. To no avail, he only sipped his drink as if I wasn’t even there. After a moment, as if he had aged twenty years in the last few minutes, he spoke gloomily.
“Look kid, you don’t want to get to know me.”
“My name’s Johnny” I said quietly, afraid of what he’d do next.
“Ok, Johnny. I’m the type of guy that only hurts people, and someone like you shouldn’t waste their time ok?” I sat there stunned, surprised he had spoken for so long with no anger attached whatsoever.
“No.” I said, trying to sound confidante. He gave me an unrecognizable look, it wasn’t angry, or sad, or curious. He then chuckled a little and shook his head to himself. I was even more confused now, maybe the Jack Daniels was getting to him. All I knew was when he grinned, I melted. His hazel eyes dazzled for a second, his white teeth shown, his plump lips curved perfectly around the lipring on his right side, dimples that were placed in the exact right spots were digging in deeply. He was a very attractive man when he smiled, I made a mental note of that. He saw my confused face and he instantly scowled, the smile vanishing as if it wasn’t even there.
“Look, I come here to get away from everything and everyone, and then you show up one day and now its turned into social gossip time for you.” This time it was my turn laugh, though he didn’t return me a look of confusion.
“No, I just like to talk about things that are interesting, like music and tattoos and shows. Cool stuff ya know?” He retreated back into his shell. I sighed and put my elbow on the bar, resting my head in my left hand. I stared at him, waiting for him to say something. He felt my burning gaze and tried to ignore me, oh he tried so hard. After what seemed like ten hours, he slowly turned his head, the fire ablaze in his eyes. He stared me down for a few moments before he spoke.
“What the fuck do you want?” I thought a moment, what did I want?
“I want to know your name.” I tried putting on the smile again.
“oh please” He said turning away yet again. Most people would get frustrated by now, get up, and never come back, but I had a feeling that’s what everyone else had ever done to him, and I wasn’t going to be an just another doubting face in his past. He was going to remember me, one way or another.
“I do, you’ve never told me anything. In fact, you never even told me how old you were.”
“Why the fuck do you wanna know?” He spat.
“Because, you talk to me like I’m some child.” I heard a deep, low growl in the back of his throat.
“If I tell you, will you leave me alone tonight?” I sat there and thought a moment.
“Ok, sure.”
“My name is Matt and I’m 25 years old” he said blankly as if he didn’t care who he was.
“Wow, I’m 22, we’re only three years apart.”
“No shit Einstein.” He said in a smart ass tone. I only laughed at his attempt to make me sad.
“ok that’s cool, I thought you were around that age anyways.” He gave me a sideways glance and took another gulp.
“Ad matt? Hmm, suits you well.” I added. I saw him roll his eyes at me.
“Someone’s quite the smart ass.” I sated. He tried to mimic my voice and mock me.
“Someone’s quite the smart ass.” This time I couldn’t hold back my laughter. He turned his annoyed tone onto me.
“You know, for someone who treats other people like children, you do seem to be familiar with the childish game of copy cats.” I said as I took the new drink the bartender had ordered, and got down from the bar stool.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Matt” I said as I walked away without even giving him another glance. I felt his burning gaze in the back of my head, but if only I knew that he was inwardly smirking.



“oh my gosh, zacky. When he smiled, I felt like a puddle.” I said, sipping on a coke.
“Wait he smiled?” Zacky asked, seeming interested.
“Yea, He tried to make me go away and I said no, then he started chuckling quietly to himself.” Zacky nodded while trying to imagine my story.
“His smile is so…I don’t even know zacky, no one had ever affected me so quickly, I mean one minute I was scared and confused, then the next I’m feeling like a little school girl.” This caused Zacky to chuckle also.
“I don’t know man, is he hot?”
“Oh my god, yesss.” I answered.
“He’s got lots of tatts, small gages in his ears, a lip ring on his right side, hazel eyes, dark short hair, big ripped muscles, really tall. Ohh yea, he’s defiantly attractive.”
“Ok, ok calm down Janey.” Zacky joked. I threw a French fry at him.
“Stop calling me that.” I laughed.
“I’m sorry, you were acting like a girl I swear. Is he even gay or bi?”
“I don’t know, I think so, I mean like he never told me he was, but I’ve just got this feeling.”
“So he’s mean to you every night, he doesn’t even want you to talk to him, you just learned his name last night, and your all oh my god over him? Johnny this isn’t like you, your normally the one to stay away from that kind of person.” He gave me a concerned look. His words sunk in and made my thoughts churn, he was right in a way. I normally want a guy whose as nice as me, who treats me right, who is good for me, but there’s something about matt that keeps me coming back, something that makes me want to get inside and help him, no matter what it is.
“You ok Johnny?” Zacky asked after I stopped talking.
“Yea, I’m fine.” I said, though my busy mind wouldn’t agree. I knew he didn’t believe me, but he didn’t press the subject, I think he could sense my thoughts and he understood.
“So how’re you and Brian doing?”
“Oh he’s doing ok, but he’s been real moody lately and he won’t tell me why. He keeps saying that its just his work, but I don’t believe him.” Zacky sighed, feeling bad that Brian won’t let him in. Normally they had a pretty open relationship, though they did fight once in a while, but it was never anything serious.
“Its ok Zacky, I’m sure its no big deal. Brian’s just Brian. He’ll come around.” He gave me a look of desperation, and I tried to convince him with a friendly smile. He nodded and took a sip of his drink. After a moments, I decided to break the tension while we put up our trays.
“What is it about Wendy’s that makes people have deep conversations?” Zacky just laughed and put his arm around my shoulders.
“I don’t know my friend, I don’t know.”

title: Look me in the eye
author:Mariagatesdirnt
pairing:Matt/Johnny
summery:Johnny meets a mysterious man in a bar. He sees the man is troubled and angry at the world, Johnny's determinded to find out why this stranger is so isolated from everyone and everything. Will he beable to make him crack?
Dedication:To any one who reads and comments it. :]
Disclaimer: If i owned a7x, there'd be no insperation for writing slash ;]





Intense, Intense are his hazel eyes that send hateful looks, meant to pierce into my heart and stab at my soul. Intense are his swift movements to avoid anyone who would change his life routine. Intense is the way he throws hateful remarks without a care in the world. Intense is how I am still drawn to him no matter what he says or does.

I don’t know why I still try, its been a whole month of nothing but denial. He’d walk into the bar, power in his strides, his head held high as if to avoid looking at his own shoes. He never looked at anyone, he only merely glanced at me the first time he strode in. His piercing eyes met mine only for a moment, but he dug into me and stayed, making me more than curious to him. He would sit at the bar and order the same drink, a jack an coke. He’d sit and drink, an almost visible blanket of hate and anger wrapped around him. No one dared to speak to him, his intimidating appearance frightened even me, but the curiosity made my feet move toward him. He wouldn’t even glance at me when I would take up the seat next to him and order the same drink. He would stare forward, taking a drink when we remembered that he had one in his large, powerful hands. I’d wait until I, too, possessed the liquor as if it was what made my vocal chords work. I’d then speak, giving him a friendly greeting. He took a moment, but lifted his eyes to meet mine as if annoyed, the hate pouring from them. I don’t know what kept me in that seat, but I would stay my ground and try to make conversation. He would ignore my questions and will me away with his eyes, by the end of my babbling he’d be so angry I thought he would hit me, but he never did. After a while, I grew confidante because of his restraint to strike back. And now, when he walks in, he only sighs when I go up to sit next to him, and his raging eyes calmed, only slightly.

“Hey you, what’s up?” I spoke happily, as if we were friends. He sighed to himself and ordered a drink. He had never told me his name no matter how many times I asked.
“So, seen any good shows lately?” He ignored my question.
“I saw this one show the other day, it was a really good underground metal band. I forgot their name though.” He again, ignored me.
“They had a pretty good singer though, he could scream and sing, now that’s something you don’t find everyday. He could pelt out those lyrics, he even had me singing along sometimes. Do you like to sing?” He then glanced up at me, finally recognizing my presence. He looked even more mad, but there was something else there, something that wasn’t so mean.
“I like to sing sometimes, though I’m not any good. I play bass mostly, but I always love lyrics the most in a song.” He seemed to be listening, and he looked like he had some interest. I stopped and looked at him in surprise that he was listening, his eyes turned mean again and looked away. I inwardly sighed at my lost accomplishment.
“I love music actually, its one of the biggest things in my life. It keeps me going through hard times, and makes the better times even more enjoyable.” I could almost taste the anger being given off so I decided to change the subject. I looked around to try to find something to talk about when I spotted the exposed tattoos and his muscular arms.
“So, I see you like tattoos, that’s pretty sweet. I got some too.” I heard him sigh to himself, but loud enough so I knew of his frustration.
“Yours look pretty sick man, from what I can see. Most of mine are in black and white, except this one here on my neck-”
“Look kid, don’t you have something better to do than annoy me?” He stated calmly, yet gloomily also.
“Kid? I am 22 years old, I’m no kid” I heard him chuckle to himself, deep dimples showed on the side of his cheeks. It surprised me at first, but then I figured he was only laughing to keep himself from screaming.
“You really are young aren’t you?”
“Well, how old are you?” I asked, he didn’t look much older than me, maybe a few years at the most.
“Why do you care?” He asked, taking a gulp of his drink, finishing it off, and ordering another.
“I’m just wondering.”
“Well you can take your curiosity and go away.” He looked away and went back into his shell. I sat stunned for a moment, taking in his words, before I spoke again.
“That’s a pretty sick tattoo you got on your left shoulder, I like it.” I heard him groan and he whipped his head back to meet my eyes, that same fire danced in them, making me inwardly squirm.
“Look, kid, why do you come up to me almost every night and make useless talk when I never answer you?” I paused a moment, trying to put my words carefully. He turned away again.
“Because you looked like you needed a friend.” I inwardly smiled at my words, thinking I should write a book or something because that’s was a fucking brilliant answer. My joy was smashed when he didn’t turn to look at me, when he shut me out again. I frowned, but I wouldn’t move.
“Why would I want to be friends with a short, stupid, immature kid who doesn’t know when to just leave people alone?” He glanced at me with hard eyes, I felt something break inside. His harsh words stung as they circled through my ears and into my heart. I should have expected it, I didn’t know why I was letting it get to me. It must have shown on my face because he turned away with a satisfied look on his face.
“Maybe because some people actually want to help, no matter who they are.” I said as I got down from the stool and started to walk off, finally feeling defeated. If only had looked back, I would have seen him watching my steps, and a hint of sorrow glint in his eyes.



a/n: this is not a one shot, there will be more soon :]

Title: Through the blood
Author: mariagatesdirnt
Pairing: Matt/Brian
type: one shot
Disclaimer: if i owned them, there'd be no insperation for writng these ;]
Dedication: to anyone who reads it and comments haha
Summary: matt always got what he wanted from his partners, would his best friend brian give in to him also?
a/n: my sick little mind came up with this in school, don't ask how, i have no clue. warning: violence may be presant ;]


It all started with a simple kiss, a kiss from pierced lip to thin lip; A rough, harsh kiss not meant for love. The taller man, well built and toned, looked intimidating from even his picture. He never lost in his fights to get what he wanted, and he most certainly was never submissive to anyone. He looked to his friend and band mate as a new challenge. The other man was shorter, not as muscular, but he was just as strong nevertheless. His attitude was fiery hot with arrogance and sarcasm. He didn’t take shit from anybody, his head was always held high with pride. Now with the taller one’s his eye on him, he had to watch his back, not that’s he was scared, he just didn’t want to be surprised. The truth was, Brian had a strong desire for Matt, but he wanted him submissive and on his knees, begging for mercy. Most would think him sick in the head, but when you’ve known someone like Matt and put up with his controlling behaviors for so long, one can’t help but think in these ways.

The day had been nice, in California it was always warm and sunny without a trace of humidity. The band was having practice at Brian’s house, writing songs for their upcoming album that they hoped would top their last platinum record. Each member had gotten tired from the intense hours of playing almost nonstop. All five of them had abandoned their instruments to get drinks, they had finished for the day with 2 new songs written as well as worked on previous ones, each musician felt proud of their progress. They sat around the television that stood in the bedroom, two couches and a chair surrounded it, fitting each member perfectly. Jimmy, their amazingly tall drummer, always sat in the chair, complaining that the couches were too low for his long, lanky legs. Zacky, the rhythm guitarist always sat next to Johnny, their bassist. Finally Matt, the lead vocals, and Brian, lead guitar, always sat together on the other couch. It wasn’t planned, it was just unspoken routine that seemed to become traditional over the long years of the band. They laughed at crude jokes, they talked about nothing and everything, shared giggles about inside jokes that no one would ever understand, it all seemed so perfect, so right for five best friends.

Zacky was the first to leave, claiming that he had to pick up something for his girlfriend. They all waved him out and said their good byes. They respected Zacky’s dedication to his girlfriend, in fact they even admired it because zacky hadn’t always been so nice. They couldn’t really understand what exactly had changed him, but they fucking respected him fully. Johnny and jimmy left another hour after that, saying they were tired and needed to sleep for tomorrows band practice. Johnny and jimmy always seemed to be everywhere together, not that it was a problem. They stood together during interviews and award shows, they sat near each other at parties and on the tour busses, hell they even hung out together as just them two. The rest of the band had always guessed it was the strong connection that bass and drums have, the backbone of the band, the glue that held the fine notes and chords in place and kept the emotional solos and lyrics in time. As usual in their unspoken routine, they didn’t protest in their friends reasoning, just let them go without a fight. Now it was just them two, a very sutle but accountable intense atmosphere was present. Both men left were acting as civil as possible, acting like best friends that had no problems.

Brian sat, with a guitar in his lap, picking randomly as the bigger man spoke.
“I really like the bridge of that song, it fits so nicely. I was thinking about making the breakdown like a bass solo or actually, a drum solo.”
“Yea man, that sounds cool.”
“Well, we go into the studio in about three months. I can’t wait to get back in there and work with my vocal coach.”
“Where is the studio at by the way?”
“Its in los angles.”
“Oh, that’s good, not to far from here.”
“Yea” There was an awkward silence shared before the dark eyed one spoke.
“So where were you last night? We were waiting for you to come back but you never returned with that pretty red head you were talking to.” He felt matt shift and fake chuckled.
“Oh you know, The usual.” This is what Brian hated most, for matt to talk about sex like it was nothing special. Sure, Brian wasn’t going to go fall in love with every girl he does, but he doesn’t just act laid back about it, its disrespectful to the girl. Brian may have a arrogant sarcastic personality, but he always respected women. He laughed at Matt’s comment for the bigger ones sake. There was yet another awkward silence as the two refused to look at each other. Brian knew what was going through Matt’s head, he was just waiting for it like a cat lurking in the shadows resisting the urge to prey on a mouse until the absolute right moment. Suddenly matt turned to Brian, something dark in his green eyes. Brian almost smirked to himself as he saw the way matt looked upon him, desire read all in his eyes.
“like what you see?” Brian spoke, his voice laced with sarcasm. Matt looked at him as if for the first time.
“What?” Brian only chuckled.
“I said, ‘you like what’s you see?’” He spoke slower, as if talking to a retard. Matt frowned.
“I’m not a moron.”
“Oh really?” Brian had a shit eating grin plastered on his face, soaking up all of Matt’s resentment flowing his way.
“Shut up Brian.” He spoke, more of an order as he got up and walked closer. Something about the way he carried himself, Brian wanted it, he needed it. He knew the mans want for him and he would use it to his advantage, but he knew that matt wasn’t going to give in so easily, he had to fight, and not just emotionally.

Matt walked right up to Brian, something in his eyes was mesmerizing, he put Brian in a trance. Brian could only stare upon this very handsome man’s face as he got inches from him, knelt down in front of him on the couch. He pressed his lips to Brian’s very forcefully and seductively. Brian was at first shocked by this Matt’s sudden urgence, he never thought matt would be so quick to kiss him. He felt himself lean back and he damned himself, why is he letting him do this?

Brian quickly, with force, shoved Matt off of him. Matt looked dazed and confused, and was about to speak when Brian pushed Matt into the nearby wall and attacked his mouth with his own. They both were so lost they didn’t even hear when pictures that were once hanging on the wall, were now smashed on the floor, broken glass everywhere. Matt was stunned for a moment, not just because the back of his head had hit the wall, but the fact that he wasn’t in control of the situation. Matt too startled letting Brian take control, even letting a slight groan escape the back of his throat when Brian went to push his tongue in his mouth. Matt then surprised Brian by pushing him off and flipping them over so Brian was now the one against the wall. Brian felt anger rise in him, his determination was starting to stir, he had to win this fight. Matt had his shoulders pinned to the wall with his hands, Brian put his hands on the taller ones biceps and attempted to push him off, but it was no use. He instead dug his nails sharply into them, causing Matt to let a slight cry of pain ring out from his mouth. He looked Brian in the eyes and saw the smaller, yet older mans determination, and it secretly frightened him. Matt let go when Brian’s nails had gotten too deep, and Brian used this to take Matt to the floor. He sat on top of him, held down his arms. He forcefully kissed him again, though now matt didn’t want his kisses, he only wanted his submission. He through his head away, tossing it from side to side while straining against Brian’s grip. Brian then put his head to Matt’s neck, first just kissing, but kissing turned to sucking when granted brain with a few hesitant moans from Matt. He then bite into the stronger mans shoulder, making him gasp and his eyes went wide. Brian quickly pulled his head to the others now open lips. Brian was lost in the kiss, and Matt knew this. He seductively rubbed his hands on Brian’s arms, and Brian moved them to Matt’s chest where he stroked through his tee shirt. Matt them placed his hands on Brian’s chest and pushed Brian off, it sent Brian a few feet away and he landed on his back. Matt scurried and pinned the mans hands above his head, they locked eyes only a moment, both of them had what looked like hatred, but actually it was all will power to be dominant. Matt roughly pulled Brian’s shirt up and attempted to pull it over his head, the other man struggled and squirmed.
“Stop fucking moving.”
“no!” Brian said through clenched teeth. Matt growled at his response, not liking his answer. He took his hand and dug rough scratches down Brian’s chest. Brian cried out, the trickles of blood oozed in the deepest spots. This only angered him and with more strength than he knew he had, he kicked Matt in the stomach when matt had lifted his leg that had been pinning him down moments before. Matt keeled over and clutched at his stomach. Brian, now filled with anger, sat up and sent a fist into Matt’s cheek. Matt clutched at his face, and when Brian got closer he punched Brian square in the jaw. They both looked at each other again, this time it was boiling fury that was mirrored between the two males. They both jumped for each other, both were beating each other, all for dominance.

Within minutes both were black and blue, both were losing strength. They both had lost their shirts, matt had shredded Brian’s jeans, they both don’t know how he did this, but they lay next to the fighting men with a large tear in them. Brian was pulling down Matt’s pants when he received a bitch slap to his other cheek.
“I can do that myself bitch.” he said as he pulled them down quickly himself. Hardly any words were said, only grunts and groans were audible. Once Matt had pulled them off Brian had jumped to his feet, Matt followed. They both had there arms against each other, both were struggling, both were still the same strength. They kept their eyes locked, focusing on the other person so intensely that in their ears they couldn’t hear anything, even their own strained voices. Brown and Green exchanged looks of determination, of confidence, but also of desperation. After what seemed like hours, but had only been five minutes, Matt was faltering slowly. This pushed Brian to keep going, to keep fighting. Even though his muscles screamed at him to stop, to put mercy upon them, his mind kept him strong. Matt started looking scared because he knew he was losing, he was giving in. After five more minutes, both men exhausted, Matt’s arms gave out and it sent both of them onto the marble coffee table that was behind Matt. They both lay there, motionless, tired. Brian then quickly scrambled and flipped Matt over, the bigger man struggled and squirmed but it was no use, his endurance had abandoned him, and Brian knew that. He yanked down his own boxers, then did Matt’s. Brian was surprised to find himself already hard, he put on arm in the center of Matt’s bare, sweaty back, and he reached around to find Matt’s cock. He felt it and glided it through his fingers. Matt’s cock had been semi-hard, and even though matt was squirming and straining to get away, he was moaning in pleasure. The sound of Matt’s moans had only made him even more excited. He wanted to see Matt’s face when he did this, but he knew that if he moved him again, it would all be over, everything he’s fought for. He took away his hand, making matt whimper. Brian then sucked on his finger, and began stretching out matt. Matt’s face twisted in pain, his breathing became heavy, his body tensed. For the first time, Brian was trying to be comforting while still in control. He let a ‘shh’ flow out of his mouth and he slightly rubbed the mans back while still having pressure. He moved slowly, not adding a second finger until he was sure he was ready. He then motioned his fingers in a scissoring motion, he opened up Matt just enough. He then removed his hand and coated his dick with saliva, the only lube within reach. He positioned himself, and heard Matt struggle.
“Don’t you dare Brian Haner! I swear to god!” Brian ignored him and slowly entered him. He noticed how tight Matt was, he must have not done this in a while. Brian stayed still
“You’ll what?” he spoke seductively, with a hint of sarcasm. This only made matt squirm under him in anger. Brian laughed to himself. He felt matt reach around and grip Brian’s back hard, trying to push him off.
“Oh no, we don’t want to do that now.” Brian spoke again in that same sarcastic, yet seductive voice. He pushed deeper, causing matt to suddenly stop, trying to adjust to his position.
“ I hate you, I hate you so much!” Matt spat at him.
“Oh I’m sure you do, best friend.” Brian said mockingly. Brian increased the pressure on Matt’s back when matt started to struggle more.
“You fucking Asshole! How the fuck can you do this to me?!” Brian then started slowly moving in and out of matt.
“If I recall right, you kissed me first, you thought I would just give in easily like all your other groupies and fucks, but you forgot who I really am matt, and you are a fool.” Brian’s breath became raged as his body tingled with the pleasure he was receiving.
“You thought, ‘oh I’ll just fuck Brian because I can see that he wants me anyways, I don’t care how he’s going to feel, how my best friends going to feel.’ Well what you didn’t know matt was that this is how want you, submissive, on your knees, under me.” Matt didn’t speak, but Brian knew he was listening, he could almost feel the anger flowing through matt as he continued to pump in and out of him. He picked up the pace only a little, and he could feel Matt breathing hard. The smirk never left Brian’s face, his hand never left Matt’s back, though he knew now that he didn’t need it there, matt wasn’t going to move now, but Brian wanted to make his authority clear. Brian reached around and grabbed Matt’s dick again, stroking in time with his thrusts. He thought he could hear Matt’s stifled moans in the back of his throat, but he defiantly heard him when Brian struck something inside matt that made him almost scream. Brian’s smirk grew as he struck matt’s prostate a few more times.
“Say my name.” Brian ordered.
“No.” matt managed to say. Brian stopped hitting it and started pushing in at weird angles, causing matt to desperately mutter to him.
“No, do it again.”
“Do what again?” Matt didn’t want to answer, but Brian thrust in with force and Matt yelped out
“hit me again!” Brian knew what he meant and struck him expertly at the right spot causing Matt to groan loudly.
“You like that bitch?” Brian said between pants. Matt struggled again in anger.
“I am not your bitch!” Brian laughed aloud this time.
“Oh really?..then why…is my… penis inside you?” He felt Matt’s arms come around and his nails dug down Brian’s back, digging in with such force, causing Brian’s thrusts to fall out of time. Matt scratched anything he could reach for, but he soon grew tired again, and Brian’s over worn smirk returned. Brian didn’t care that he was worse than Matt was, he was bruised more, scratched more, blood trickled down him from the many scratches but he didn’t care. He had Matt, on his knees, begging him not to stop, and he loved it.
“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” Matt repeatedly spat. Brian only laughed yet again, he was soaking up all of Matt’s comments and throwing them right back.
“No sweetheart, I think you love me, really love me.” Brian said when he slammed into Matt’s prostate once again, making matt this time cry out in pleasure. Brian leaned down, close as possible, and whispered into Matt’s ear.
“say it, say you’re my bitch, you know you want to.” His voice seemed to radiate into the others ear, sending shivers down Matt’s spine, but his ever so stubborn masculinity streaked through him.
“No! I am not your bitch!” Brian again slammed his hips, making Matt cry out in the same way, Brian then stroked Matt’s length with such elegant fingers, so delicate and graceful as if he was fingering one of his many guitars. Matt still struggled between moans.
“I …am not…your.. Bitchhh.” Brian only increased his pleasure by applying more pressure in his strokes, more force in his thrusts, more emphasis on his moans of pleasure. He was going to break Matt, even if it killed him. He was tired, so very tired, both men had black and blue bruises, blood trickled from Matt’s mouth and down Brian’s back and chest, glass was scattered around, sweat glistened them.
“Say it, say it for me. No one will know I promise.” Brian said seductively, and yet with a hint of sweetness that only best friends shared.
“No” Matt stifled, though his voice was faltering and nervous. Brian increased his thrusts, he knew his climax was coming, he could feel matt close too. He stroked Matt faster, hearing the other get lost in the bliss of the moment, Brian lightly kissed the back of Matt’s neck. Matt arched into Brian as he felt himself close, oh so close.
“Brian I’m…” Matt didn’t need to finish, the urgency in his voice told Brian what was coming.
“Say it.” Brian urged, breathing so hard and fast, getting so unbelievably tired.
“Say it.” Brian removed his hand from matt’s back, revealing a yet another bruise to be added to the canvas of blue black and green.
“I’m…I’m your bitch briannnn.” Matt moaned dragging the last word as his orgasm shot through him. Brian quickly followed while moaning out Matt’s name. Brian lay still, his head on Matt’s sweaty back, listening to matt’s breathing slow, feeling his won doing the same, his eyes started closing, his body was giving out. He slowly fell to the side, pulling out of Matt in the process. He avoided the glass when he landed on the ground, his face looked up at his friend of so many years, he could see something in Matt’s eyes that hadn’t been there before. The manly hood was gone, the badass side of him had vanished. Matt slowly stood, he was slightly bent over. He gave Brian a genuine look, almost as if he thanked him, almost. Brian’s eyes began to close slowly, his body to weak to move. He hazily saw Matt walk towards him and bend down in front of him. If Brian hadn’t been so tired, he would have wondered how Matt could still move and function when he had tired out during their brawl, Brian had been the one to finish it, and yet Matt still moved. He felt himself being lifted off the ground bridal style, the oh so familiar muscular arms held him close, he then carried him to the bedroom and laid him on the bed. Brian opened his eyes only briefly and studied Matt for a moment. Why isn’t he was tried as I am? Why can he still move? Matt gave him a sweet, knowing smile. Brian felt himself smile slowly, his eyes closed once more. Brian very faintly felt the bed shift as a warm body slid in next to him, wrapped a strong, yet scratched arm around him protectively, a sigh escaped his lips.

They both awoke to each other, nothing was said that morning, as if they were afraid that it would break this new found connection between the two men. Matt had cleaned Brian’s scratches and cuts, Brian did the same for him. Matt had cleaned up the broken picture frame and disposed the torn photograph. They both without a word got ready for another band practice, Brian slung his guitar around his neck and matt hooked up his pa system and got out his notepad of lyrics. Brian was turning his guitar when the others showed up, they walked in talking and laughing, but suddenly stopped when they noticed how badly bruised and battered the two men were. Only zacky had enough courage to stand up and question them.
“What the hell happened to you two?”
“I tripped” They both said at the same time, both in a rather casual way. The other three were silent, and Johnny noticed the missing picture.
“Wasn’t there a picture there yesterday?” Brian only smirked this time as Matt spoke out rather matter-o-factly.
“Me and Brian were fucking each other senseless.” Johnny and Zacky looked surprise, but Jimmy took it as good news.
“ Took you two long enough, geez. I was about to lock you two in a room together and throw away the mother fucking key.” Brian felt himself redden as Matt only smiled a little more. Johnny still seemed confused.
“That still doesn’t explain why there’s a missing picture…holy fuck is that blood?!” He pointed to the floor in front of the marble coffee table.
“No Johnny, I was painting your portrait yesterday.” Brian sarcastically answered as he focused on a new rift he was writing. Matt laughed to himself at his friends sarcastic ness at the very intimate situation. He was grateful for Brian’s gratitude. Zacky and jimmy had hooked up their guitars and got behind their kits, but Johnny just stood and stared.
“Is that…is that cum on your coffee table?!”

Title: i'm there, always there.
Author: mariagatesdirnt
Pairing: Matt Sanders/you'll find out
type: one shot
Disclaimer: i'f i owned then, there'd be no insperation for writng these ;]
Dedication: to anyone who reads it haha
Summary: matt's fed up with all the lies and mysteries

i'm there, always there.

Title: i'm there, always there.
Author: mariagatesdirnt
Pairing: Matt Sanders/you'll find out
type: one shot
Disclaimer: i'f i owned then, there'd be no insperation for writng these ;]
Dedication: to anyone who reads it haha
Summary: matt's fed up with all the lies and mysteries.



My trust is being stretched thin, too thin for my liking. He’s been acting differently, He’s hiding something.
“No Matt, there’s nothing wrong.” he would say when I questioned, I wanted to believe him. My heart said yes, my mind shouted no. I loved him so much, it burned with every fiber of my being. But this love didn’t answer the over-asked questions that still plagued my thoughts.

He looked tired, dark bags under his eyes that never went away; He always complained about never being able to sleep. His trips to the store that took to long, always returning with nothing bought, but a free excuse in his mouth. The night where he would return only minutes before the sunrise, ‘Why?’
That annoying, agonizing question never left my brain when I sat up late, waiting and worrying over him. ‘Why?’ plagued my mind when I silently cried facing away from him on my bed, his over-used excusing being thrown into my ear while he laid next to me, ignoring my tears as if they weren’t even there.

Tonight was the last night. I was going to find out the answer to that torturous question of ‘Why?’
My feelings weren’t going to stop me, I will be strong. I, Mathew Charles Sanders, am not weak, especially not to a person so much smaller than myself. Oh, I wish I was right in my self confidence.

He stumbled in that night, too late once again. He had said he was going to get some beer for us five long, worry-filled hours ago. I was tired, so very tired. When he walked through that front door, his radiating face smiling sheepishly at me, an excuse playing on his lips.

“Save it” I spoke before he could say anything. He appeared shocked at my words.
“…What?”
“Don’t give me another over played excuse, tell me where you really went.” he seemed to shift on his feet, closing the door behind him before answering.
“Matt, I went to the store. I was on my way out when-”
“Don’t!” I snapped harshly, my heart bleeding, my legs numb.
“I want to know that truth!” My cold voice rippled through him.
“It is the truth Matt. I wouldn’t lie to you.” His face told me to believe him, but his eyes shouted ’Lies! Lies!’
“Would you?” I questioned as I pushed him with force into the door that was inches behind him. I put my face inches from his, my rage was dripping through me, and yet I still had a strong yearning to kiss his lips softly and forget about everything.
“Where the fuck were you? I need to know the truth.” He looked so frightened, his dark eyes sparkling in fear, I had never been so rough with him, but I had also never felt so fed up in my life.

He dared to try again to lie.
“Matt why won’t you listen? I told you already-”
“You told me shit, just like you always do. Why do you lie to me? After everything I’ve done for you?!” I screamed, my own tears threatening to fall. I felt a crack ripple through my heart, I knew the truth would shatter it completely.
“Matt, I-”
“No, no more lies! I can’t take this anymore. I wait up hours upon hours for you, I worry to death for you, I don’t even know who you are anymore, you lie to me, you hide things, what the fuck did I do to make you do this to me?!” I was swelling with rage that had been built up a long time ago. I saw the fear in him, and even through my anger and screaming, I still wanted to comfort him.
“Either you tell me the truth, or I’ll walk out this door right now.”

He stood there, sweat glistening on his forehead, his hands trembling under my burning gaze. His mouth opened to speak, the shaking lips emitting unsteady breaths. I braced myself for whatever was going to come. Nothing could of braced me for what did happen.

He eyes went wide, only briefly. They then rolled into the back of him head and his knees gave out. I caught him before he hit the ground, the shock washed over me. My own eyes widened in fear. I placed my hand upon his now angelic face.
“Johnny, oh god Johnny!” I spoke softly. I let go of everything, my tears bled down my face.
“No, no, no! Johnny wake up!” he remained unconscious, I panicked. I set him down gently before I ran for the phone, faster that I ever knew I could run. I dialed the all famous emergency number, my voice was barely audible when I gave the operator my information. I hung up and quickly raced back to my lover. He hadn’t moved, his eyes closed, his breathing shallow. I put my face to his, my tears falling down his cheeks.
“ No, Johnny, why?! Why?!” His body remained limp, the sound of ambulances was heard in the distance.
“Don’t you dare leave me, not yet.” My hand fell limply to his waist, I felt a budge in his pocket. I looked down, my shaking hand reached in. Once I felt the plastic bag, I felt my heart shatter. I slowly pulled it out, a white powder was present. The bag it was in was much to large and much to empty. I let it fall from my fingers, a sharp pain surged through me causing me to collapse backwards next to him. I was to weak to sit up, to weak to cry anymore, the pieces of my broken heart scattered.

After that I didn’t remember what happened. I didn’t remember when the paramedics came in and took us both away, I didn’t remember being separated from him, I didn’t remember when he was brought back to life just to find out I didn’t make it. I didn’t remember my heart giving out, realizing that if Johnny was dead, then there was no life for me. The truth was he was what made me whole, he was my life. They said it was a heart attack the took me, a simple heart attack from to much stress and worry. Johnny knew, it wasn’t a heart attack that killed me, but a heart broken by addiction and lies. Even now, I hope he can still hear me when the wind moans in the distance, I hope he can still feel me when the sun shines upon his face, I hope he can still love me in his heart, because I’m there, always there.

Title: Waiting
Author: maria gates dirnt
Pairing: johnny/???
Disclaimer:don't own.
type: one shot
Summary: johnny is slowly breaking.
authors note: hey everyone. i'm a newbie, don't shoot me. i've been on here before, but i decided to join. This is the first ever slash i've ever writtian.



No one will know. No one will ever know of my secret. So dark, so unthinkable that it is difficult to put into words. I don't quite remember when it happened, nor do i care. Does it really matter? It's his deep, masculine voice that makes you tremble involentary. It's his hazel, mysterious eyes that kept you comeing back for more. I would stare upon his picture, drinking in his look, his elegance, his handsomeness, his mystique.

I'd watch him from afar, as he would sing into a microphone infront of thousands of people. I would think of him every day, and not even notice until the next. And I would long for him for as long as i will live upon this earth.

When I was young, I never knew it would turn out like this. I always thought we would be best friends, nothing would separate us, that we would always confide. But when you're young you don't realize that one day you grow up, you change and new people come into your life. People like her. She was what caught his attention. Her laugh made me sick, her smile made me envious, and her whole being made me full of jelousy. But i did not hate her, I couldn't hate her. Yet, this intense jelously raged beneath my fake smiles, and my hands, once in friendship, were now fists of rage, rage and intense pain.

She was polite, more than nice to me, and i was always a kind-hearted one;

But that still didn't change my envy, my want for what was hers. He was hers. They would kiss and say cute things, especially infront of me. The pain grew each day as i watched them, cold, empty, alone and silent. I should have given up a long time ago, but my heart wouldn't let me, i couldn't give up. What was the reasoning?

His face appered in my dreams, His voice was heard in my ears, His touch was felt in my fantisies. But i knew that this was all a fantasy, reality had to sink in. I never had a chance, and i never will. So why must i dwell on old feelings? Why did they still run strong in my heart, which, until he had come into my life, was completely devoid of all emotion?

"Johnny, you coming to the bar with us?" my wanted asked.
"umm. yeah, i guess"
"You ok? you seem down" he asked me with concern. I almost wanted to laugh in his face, just to scream the reality that seemed so awful to me, i wanted him to feel the pain i had been unwantedly given into his ears, i almost wanted to stop hiding from everything.
"I'm fine, just thinking." He still looked concerned, but shrugged it off, sensing my wall of isolation, that was being built slowly each day.

And as I saw them laughing, giggleing, having fun, and being in love, I felt my hopes being crushed as the night wore on. I sat with them in a bar stool, hiding everything behind my eyes, inside my head. If I was ever to speak the words of truth, i would wait, wait and wait. Standing off, wanting to scream in their faces, wanting to break down and cry, i will wait in silence for the day to finally reveal my dark secret."I am in love with my best friend" But for now, my sorrow swallows my screams.