I'm still here and reading more than I was, now that the app seems more stable. I think about posting all the time and don't because it's too big a job? But. I want to be here. I have substantive conversations on facebook but LJ is a different thing and I miss it. It's from when I used to have time. (I know I will again. That's what is different about Second Child.)

I know a few of you are still here. Hi, you few. I'll try to say more soon.

I was thinking about how, in the weeks after Enoch was born, I looked for lullabies to sing him that wouldn't make me weep piteously- hormones and tiny babies, don'tcha know. And eventually I stopped crying every 5 minutes and at every song, but I sometimes sought out the songs that made me cry - because the tenderness of those first weeks is too much for every minute of the day, but just right for invoking now and then. A little dip into those feelings makes me a better parent - more grateful, more gentle, with better perspective.

So, thanks to Billy Joel, Paul Simon, Dar Williams, Tori Amos, the "babies don't keep" poem, all of the things I have sung for peace and love and tears this year. I'm a better mother because of those songs and those moments, and even if my genetics betray me eventually, those memories are in my bones and it won't matter if my brain loses them.

This is my list of Enoch's sleeping songs.

"Lullabye" - Billy Joel
"Saint Judy's Comet" - Paul Simon
"Carry" - Tori Amos
"Songbird" - Fleetwood Mac
"Mercy of the Fallen" - Dar Williams
"The One who Knows" - Dar Williams
"Stay Awake" - Mary Poppins ;)
"Anthem for Baby" - Chris Dorman

He sleeps to the Unrepentant Geraldines album, and to a Norah Jones album, and to the Jack Johnson Pandora station in the car.

Sophie's sleep landscape was less peaceful, but I still sing her Morningtown Ride and "Lumina" by Joan Osborne every night, and those are good feelings.

Right now E is sleeping in my lap to the aforementioned Norah Jones album, having been up crying most of the morning. His third tooth is poking through at the corners, and I wish the rest would hurry up. But other than the fact that I have to pee, I'm glad he's finally peaceful...and I'm getting some internetting in. ;)

At the park, as is our new daily post-afternoon nap routine whenever we can. Which this week has been every day but one, and Ryan took the kids that day in the evening. :) the walk and the sun have helped. Thank goodness for spring.

I have a headache and I have been sleeping very poorly, and my full body itching came back the other day and I'm maybe freaking the fuck out about it (because noooo I am not pregnant so whyyyyyyyy) and there is eczema on both nipples and I am BREASTFEEDING and also my left knee, which sometimes acts up, is acting up.

I feel kind of tortured, broken, creaky and old, and also like crap. It will get better, but right now? I could use a day to collapse physically and kind of emotionally too, and then I would probably be fine. But those days aren't really available to me - and so I am just Really Tired. (The physical demands of parenting are, I think, the hardest for me. The wear and tear stuff, the sleep deprivation, but also just the not being able to physically break now and then.)

All of it is passing and can be addressed except the itching. I am anxious about that. When it was a pregnancy symptom it was hellacious but had a presumed end date - and it did mostly end. But it's back AND WHO KNOWS WHY. I've recently reintroduced all foods to my diet (Sophie's allergens just when I'm out or whatever) so maybe I need to look at that? Food was never an issue for me before, but it's fun how oregnancy and autoimmune stuff mix to create new and exciting problems, and maybe something changed because of that. I don't know. I'm developing a complex.

Ibuprofen and coffee HARDER. Tomorrow will be better.

Now that the app works more often than not (knock on wood) maybe I wil update more, huh?

Tomorrow we have allergy testing for Enoch. I don't know whether this is the best course of action but it's the one we chose - the alternative being treating him like he is not allergic and responding if he reacts. That is scary, but testing is its own kettle of fish and anyway, there is a feeling of fate hanging in the balance that makes me very nervous.

Sophie is sad for him that he has to get poked (skin testing didn't bother her at all as a baby but she finds it upsetting now). She says she would be happy if he has an allergy because then she wouldn't be the only one, and also she says she would feel jealous if he was able to eat eggs and nuts and she wasn't. That makes perfect sense of course, so I validated that and then we also talked about how when we love someone we want the best for them but jealous and lonely feelings also are okay things to feel and so on and so on...but basically, that conversation told me that anything that happens tomorrow is going to come with a good dose of Feelings.

Oh LJ, I am such a, um, inclement weather friend. App willing (because I am so often holding a baby) I will be back!

I can't tell if it's 4 month sleep regression time or if Enoch's body just would really prefer I dr not eat chickpeas. But it has not been the best few nights. (Seriously - events conspired so that I have eaten chickpeas like every day for the past three days and this kid is gassy. But I'm low on protein options so uh, yeah.) I've also been knocking myself out the past few days, staying out too long in the mornings (mostly for reasons involving car logistics) and then coming home to crash. Today we got home and Sophie went straight to quiet time, while I settled in to nap with Enoch. I didn't actually sleep but I did sit with him for like, over two hours - he was so tired and I was, too.

That said - it's amazing how much better a rough night looks with enoch than it did with Sophie. Like whoa. A rough Enoch night is like, having to sit up with a gassy squirmy baby who is mostly asleep, just uncomfortable and unable to maintain sleep in a lying down position. And it's not that I sit all night, just more than usual. With Sophie, rough nights were endless and audible from possibly outer space. With Sophie, I wept while bouncing for hours on an exercise ball, despairing of ever sleeping again and stressed about making her into a baby who slept. It's so obviously a mix of baby personality (and cry quality, good lord) varying along with parenting attitudes varying between babies, and it's impossible to know how much better things would have been with Sophie if I didn't fight her so hard. But I can't help thinking about it, and what might have been different if I'd been different then. I think I've written about all this before and probably will again if I keep updating in the middle of the night, sorry. ;)

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over. Maybe I actually am or maybe I just want to explore the same grooves of my brain and new life over and over until I know them better. Apologies if I'm doing it for real as much as I think I am. I think about writing or talking more than j actually get around to doing those things, so that's a factor.

So. Here I am. It's hard sometimes but infinitely less hard than it was the first time. I'm tired a lot in different ways - for example, physically schlepping everyone everywhere is harder, and I am noticing that my poor introversion is struggling with how rarely I am alone. It's making me more reactive and less interested in social interaction that is any kind of work at all, and I am starting to feel subtle pressure from, like, the world to be ready to see people and do things more again. And I'm still not wanting more then our very full but very family-oriented routine. I like seeing friends at things I'm already going to and Sophie has her regularly scheduled activities that sort of define our days with one car and Ryan at the office, and that's plenty to keep up with along with the work of like, daily life. I'm trying to give myself plenty of room here, and as many afternoons sitting or napping with baby as I can. This week, I am getting a massage. :)

Ok he's had some digesting time - now maybe we can go lie down. :)

For some reason I consistently make the mistake of posting an entry to my own journal when I'm trying to comment on a post when using the LJ app. Is this a design flaw or a brain flaw? Either way it is annoying and could result in some weirdness. ;)

The v other day, Sophie discovered liner notes. She was enthralled, and she had me put on Tori's "Night of Hunters" and very studiously went through the whole album, reading the lyrics and Singing along. I was surprised by the tender feelings I had. How important lyrics can be to me, and how much I read and looked at CD booklets as a teenager, and she was geeking out to Tori! And so forth. It was great. And now I will have to be somewhat aware of what CDs are lying around I guess! Though we mostly listen to Mp3s, so there's that. And that's actually something we lose with digital music... Fewer artifacts.

Which I'm sure is no one, but whatever. :P

I finally get the prescription for clobetasol filled. The dermatologist prescribed it in liquid form, and told me to buy a pound jar of CeraVe (unscented cream) and mix it in to use it. I bought the stuff and got home and opened the box, and I read the patient info that comes with the clobetasol. And dude, that shit is scary. It's super potent, and in pregnant animals it caused various skeletal, palate and skull malformations at .02 times the human dose (in fetuses). Now I know I am bigger than a rabbit, and also that Raspberry already has a skull and palate and etc., but another risk is fetal growth restriction and that's still an issue, as well as the fact that pediatric patients are more likely to suffer various ill effects of corticosteroids when exposed (I don't know that he counts as pediatric before he's born, but...)

So I am due for a week off of steroids either this or next week. I will maybe take that week off and then sparingly try this stuff for next week (which will be week 35), but ugh. I am uncomfortable using it and also uncomfortable not using it (because they want me to close my skin and stop getting staph infections all the time, understandably). This past week was not bad, because I'm still using my still-scary-but-less-so steroid and antibiotics, so no staph and reasonably controlled eczema! But all that is about to change for the week. :/

I'm also seeing my pregnancy care providers this week, so I'll go over it with them as well and see if they can make me feel better about using it. And I'm trying to get a hold of an acupuncturist to try and get some appointments in soon, because hey, maybe it will help.

In non-skin news...it was a jam-packed weekend and Sophie and I have been laying low today, despite still gorgeous weather, because we are kinda tired. :) We did the farmer's market, a sibling-to-be "class"/celebration, picnic at the waterfront, brief Echo visit, bike-riding practice for Sophie and a stop at the 10th anniversary party for American Flatbread. Phew. The part of me that feels too lazy to walk to the park or something this afternoon is fighting with the part of me that's all IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT OKAY THE SUN IS HOT BUT SO WHAT. We will see who wins.

Adventures in preparing one's almost-5 year old for theoretically being present for the birth...my doula and Kelly came over and we watched some birth videos with Sophie. I wrote this to Abigail (the doula) and Kelly after, and I am pasting it here for posterity, because I think it is interesting. Sophie still has some processing to do and she is worried about seeing me in pain, but we've been talking about it over the past few days and I think she's handling it well. Last night, she reminded me of what the mother in the video "Birth Day" says about contractions - that for her, when she was looking at her partner during them, they felt less like pain and more like "love bursting out". Sophie suggested I think of them that way, and that I focus on happy things - which shows me she is taking in what I said about how it will hurt, but I am okay with that because it is something I am happy about. Anyway, here is the email I wrote a couple days ago about it:

So Ryan says good night and turns off the light and leaves, and Sophie and I are in her bed. She immediately says "Let's talk about pregnancy." I asked what she wanted to talk about and she said "pain". Heh.

So we talked a little bit and she mentioned the yelling and screaming she heard in the video, and I asked how she felt about having heard that. She started out saying "happy and kind of funny". (If you ask her how she feels about something and she is uncomfortable, that's kind of where she always starts. Like, happy is safe and "funny" is a euphemism, I guess?) I asked why she thought she felt those things, and she said "Happy because there was a baby being born!" We broke down "funny" a little bit and she started out saying "I don't know why I thought the screeching was a little bit exciting, I guess because it meant the baby was coming out." But after that she got around to saying that it upset her to hear it and it was hard for her to think of me screaming or being in pain.

We talked about a few aspects of that: that I'd done it before to have her and that I was okay even though it was hard, and that I'd have a lot of people to help me when Raspberry is being born, and things like that, and also about her experiences with pain - she seemed to relax a little when she remembered that she screams and cries and yells when she is hurt, as a way of letting the feelings out - I am not sure why that was comforting exactly, but it seemed to be. She said "I have scraped my knees, and I think knee scraping might be the most painful kind of pain because the bones are so hard...but I don't know." I didn't disabuse her of that notion, just agreed that it is quite painful. ;) She talked about the different kinds of pain she has felt. I also acknowledged that it would be hard for her to see me in pain, but asked her how she thought my heart would feel about it while I was in labor. She said "Happy, because you are having a baby!" So okay, we have that part clear I think. ;)

I asked her how she felt about watching our baby's birth now that she had seen some recorded births. She said she still wanted to be there and watch but wanted to know if she could hide for a while if she felt scared. ("if it were in a stream, I could hide behind some bushes! But in the hospital I could hide behind some furniture.") I reminded her she would be with Kelly, so she could hide, or she could get a hug, or she could leave the room if she wanted to. She seemed to feel better being reminded of all of that. :) Before she actually went to sleep, she wanted me to talk about all the good things that would happen after the baby is born, like she will get to see him and tell him who she is and say hi. Heh. :) And then she basically passed out!

So! I think there is a LOT there and it's good we did this now, so that she has lots of time to keep processing it and talking about it - and it'll work in conjunction with the sibling-to-be class we're doing on Sunday. I expect it will keep coming up a lot, but it was interesting to see the floodgates of discussion open INSTANTLY once we were ready for bed. I think this is good stuff!

Oh hey the PUPPP. I broke down and started using the topical steroids, and was on them for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, you have to take a week off, and this was that week. Now when I was on the steroids, I thought they were only helping a little, because while the rash was less violent I was still really itchy. Now I have clarity - the steroids were doing A LOT. Just a couple of days ago I was telling a friend who asked if I was having meltdowns about it that I wasn't, I was doing okay, the week off has been rough but so far I'm holding it together, etc. Last night? I totally had a meltdown about it. Because it is SO BAD now that I have been off the steroids for nearly a week, and it both hurts and itches...wearing clothes is uncomfortable, but so is not wearing them, being touched is hard unless it's with oil, my hands are awful...and I achieved the 26 week mark yesterday, which did not feel like a victory. It was like, oh, it's this bad NOW? And we have HOW MANY WEEKS LEFT? So yeah, it is rough. I cannot freaking wait until tonight, when I apply steroids again. I didn't want to get into this cycle, but...here we are.

Other than that particular misery, things are good. We celebrated Ryan's birthday this weekend (it was actually last weekend, but we were visiting family for Easter, so), saw our friends with new baby and went out to dinner with them, and Ryan and Sophie went biking for the first time this season - they had hoped to do Cycle the City with the organized group tour, but it was cold and rainy so they set off with them and came back after a mile or so when Sophie said she couldn't take it anymore. (She speaks very highly of the biking though, it was her first time out in the WeeHoo!)

Raspberry seems well, with his wiggling and kicking. He jumps around a lot when I'm really itchy (mostly when I scratch - I hope he is feeling the happy brain chemicals that come from scratching, and not the distress of the itch). I was almost diagnosed with gestational diabetes, but in the end, I wasn't. I did the breakfast screen, and I failed it by a few points the first time and tested precisely on the line the second time. This should be a relief but honestly, I'm a little paranoid about my blood sugar now!

OK, I have granola in the oven that needs a stir. I just wanted to complain for a minute, and stuff. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. :)

So I temporarily cut out gluten this past week, just because my chiropractor suggested it might be helpful to let up on the wheat a bit for a while and see if that is supportive of my skin condition, and I felt like I'd been eating a ton of wheat anyway so it felt like a good plan to back off a little. I'll add it back in a little bit probably next week. It hasn't made any difference really, but it's causing me to diversify my food choices a bit and that's nice. Today Sophie and I tried a (gluten-free AND Sophie-safe) gluten free pasta that wasn't gross! (I am sorry, gluten-free people, but as a semolina lover I have historically found gluten-free pastas pretty sad.) It is made from beans - just beans. Red lentils to be exact. Plain, it was kind of weird and beany, but we put butter and pesto on it and then it was a reasonable fascilime of pasta with pesto, and Sophie consumed her whole bowl. So hey, red lentils! (I have never found gluten-free pasta to remotely resemble semolina pasta texture-wise. Neither does this one, exactly, but it is the closest I've ever had - sort of like a firm al dente pasta.)

Anyway, the reason for my post was this: I am noticing that without gluten, I'm all like GIVE ME THE FAT, SUGAR, AND PROTEIN. I am not sure what this means, except perhaps that I was relying on wheat for a lot of my calories? We are a big veggie-and-fruit-eating people, with a fair amount of beans, but we do eat a lot of pasta, bread, flour tortillas, etc., and also a lot of oats (which I cut out this week too, but will add back in soon). I'm also really into the spicy almonds I very carefully eat after Sophie goes to bed lately (she's allergic, so it requires being careful, washing hands and face after, and so on, and until I was pregnant I just generally didn't bring them into the house). Annnnd Talenti salted caramel gelato. Also not Sophie safe, also eaten carefully at night. I feel like some kind of food outlaw.

ANyway, still itchy. But also having interesting eating experiences. Also ALSO looking forward to eating a croissant again. ;)

So, I have PUPPP. (It's a harmless but ITCHY rash that affects some pregnant people. Better than the obstetric cholestasis they thought I had before I developed the rash!) It has not been fun. I am finding some relief in taking two showers a day with pine tar soap, followed by extremely thorough moisturization and then spending as much time as I can letting the oil soak in before putting on the softest clothes I can find, but it is still itchy and I am Not Happy that I will likely have it in some form until after baby is born. I'm still trying things. I ordered a PUPPP relief oil blend from some aromatherapist/massage therapist in New Zealand yesterday, because people said it helped them and like HEY WORTH A TRY. I have some steroids from the dermatologist that I am trying to use minimally (they aren't a practical solution anyway, because you can't put it all over your body), and they offered me UV light therapy which I am considering, but also considering just trying getting more sun as that becomes an option. So, ugh, itch. At times, I feel like a lot of my brain function is dedicated to it. Here's hoping it gets better.

(I held my friend's 3 week old baby the other day for a little bit. I swear I was less itchy for hours after. Do you think it's some miraculous hormonal shifting treatment for PUPPP? She's offered me daily doses if I want. ;))