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i did this last year and now i feel like it's some kind of tradition.

in 2013, i...
- graduated magna cum laude from uri
- had all of my money stolen from my bank account on the night of graduation
- went to disney world and spent time with five friends
- applied to countless jobs and got none of them
- had numerous breakdowns over not having a job
- got my hopes up just to have them crushed
- visited friends in nyc and finally met my best friend in person
- applied for my job on a thursday, got a call to come in for an interview on saturday, interviewed on monday, got the job wednesday
- worked retail for the holidays and didn't die (but did want to hurt some clients and coworkers)

here's hoping that 2014 brings me...
- a job in my field
- the ability to be confident in something again, especially writing
- read more
- the ability to stop and practice self-care when i need it

i'm tired of not getting any response from the places i'm applying to for jobs.  i'm tired of having to tell my parents that, yes, i am applying for jobs even though it looks like i just sit on the couch and watch cooking or diy shows all day.  i'm tired of procrastinating my jump back into the weight loss wagon until next month, next week, tomorrow.  i'm tired of having people not take me seriously.  i'm tired of having to put on a smile and pretend that nothing is wrong.  i'm tired of my family mocking me.  i'm tired of feeling useless and pathetic and worthless.  i'm tired of being terrified of my student loans coming due and not having the money to make even one payment.  i'm tired of feeling like everyone in the world is judging me for my appearance.  i'm tired of fighting back the urge to curl up into a ball and cry.

crippling self-doubt makes me want to throw up and cry in a small ball at the same time.  there's only so long i can sit here and repeat 'you are good at something' before the words start to lose their truth.  and i'm reaching that point.

because, what if nothing works out?

home for about 48 hours.  already been pestered by mom to find a job and told by my dad that i should have kept my secondary education major because i might find a job that way.

no wonder i end up in tears every time i come home for any stretch of time.  unfortunately i can't escape back to my campus apartment now.

edit:  and had my sister ask "why are you so depressed all the time?"  exactly what i needed...

i hate that people on the internet that hide behind the mask on anonymity can so completely destroy my self-confidence and self-esteem.  i hate that even after months of receiving the comment about my writing, i can't get the cruel words out of my head where they run on a constant loop.  i hate that i know the story is good but can't bring myself to open the review e-mails because there's always the shadow of a chance that everyone hates it.

the one day i kinda hold myself together and don't spend the afternoon crying off and on and a single cruel question on tumblr ruins all of it.  so now, after being relatively okay, i'm back to sobbing in my room, feeling like my throat is closed up and someone is sitting on my chest.

applied to two jobs this afternoon.  one as a publicity assistant in children's publishing and another as a publishing assistant.  both in new york city.  i'm trying not to get attached and hopeful to these two positions because i know that i'm one of thousands of soon-to-be recent graduates looking for a job but damn, these would be perfect.  i've got a really good friend who lives in the city and who is looking for a roommate so i wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to live.

please please please let cbs/simon&schuster like me.  please.

please.

Title: tomorrow will be kinder
Characters/Pairings: Castle/Beckett
Summary: They say your first is always the hardest.  She'd have to agree.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: All aired US episodes.
Note from Logan:  Sincere thanks and oodles of grilled cheese to airbefore for prompting and reading (and re-reading and re-re-reading) this.

( They say your first is always the hardest.Collapse )