knitting

A Letter To My Doctor

The last two months have been more stressful than any other time in my life, and I’ve had some shady moments in my past, I promise you.

The fear of not knowing, that gray place called ‘maybe’ has worked its way into my brain to the point of self medicating. Yes, I am an alcoholic (I’m inebriated now), but recently, the fear of not knowing has me soaking deeply into bottles of whiskey unlike anything you may have seen before. I don’t have a large social circle. And the few I do call upon when frightened are beginning to feel exhausted themselves.

I tried to get the CT scans (three times), but every time I was there, they said there was a clerical error and couldn’t be done that day. Fine. I don’t mind. But, I don’t have transportation, I’m agoraphobic and no one had the decency to call and tell me I shouldn’t even bother coming. My final visit they were able to do the chest X rays. “If you can do the X rays, then why can’t you slap me on the slab and do the CT???”

I asked them to add to my notes how pissed I was.

The blood test were scheduled, but my insurance company dropped me (again through a clerical error), and when trying to do the good faith estimate, I was given a PDF sheet of all costs. Not knowing what my order was for, I simply couldn’t pay for the test.

Dr. Pinero recommended I get my medical marijuana card since I don’t care for pharmaceuticals. That’s when they found out I was dead on paper. My social security number no longer exists. I haven’t filed taxes in the last couple of years because I haven’t made any money. They gave me my card, but I can’t go to a dispensary.

It’s ok. I have a friend who has been supplying me with marijuana. He’s not a friend, really, but more family. A good man, whom I have made my living will. But, now I have to find a way to let the IRS and SSA know that I’m very much still here.

The best part of my days are when I’m knitting my own socks while watching Murder, She Wrote. Then dancing to Siouxsie and the Banshees with my headphones on. And a little Nizter Ebb, a touch of Front 242, a hint of Depeche.

The depression evaluation had me asking questions of myself. Is there something in my head that has me clinging to vices, the very vices that are causing health problems? Is that all there is to this? Is this where I am? Is that really what this whole health scare is about? Just something locked in my head that has me in self destruct mode?

I have a definite status in the knitting community, but gave it all up to tend to my husband, to make sure that he had every possible avenue for success, that he wouldn’t have to worry about anything other than making money. He’s never had that sort of graciousness before. He has never had anyone believe in him. So, I tried to keep the house cleaned, the bills paid. And it became too much to realize that my days were filled with doing laundry and dishes and in the process doing nothing for myself.

Do I resent the decision? Of course not. I helped a man elevate himself to a place he never thought he’d be. I helped make another man better. I showed him how brilliant he was.

But, in the process, I pinned myself down. And since then, I’ve not done much for myself. No self care, no grooming, nor even bathing on occasion. I drink all day, stay dirty, and welcome him when he comes home with my heart bursting at the seams knowing I’ve done something good for someone else, but have screwed myself at the same time.

So, how do we fix this?

The Skinny on Cribbage

cribbage2I truly love when Kara comes over to play cribbage. It can be any evening of the week, really, but for some reason, its when she comes over on Friday nights that I really get to have a touch of fun. She’ll usually bring a six pack of some beer, we’re not pressed for time, and we get a chance to laugh and giggle and gossip like two ridiculous little school girls, rather than talk shop. She knows I spend all day and all night knitting, and knows sometimes its best for me to put the needles down and be a dork for a minute.

Now, Kara and I have been playing cribbage with this same little board she gave me as a gift years ago. Its one of my prized possession. I love it! LOVE that board and I’ve kept it close to me as one of those gifts that isn’t worth anything to anyone, but me. I love the time we get to spend together (she is my best friend, of course), but I love that when we play cribbage I get to escape. Kara is a masterful player, and in the years we’ve been playing the game, I’ve gotten better and better, to the point where I actually win a few games now and then. And our usual ritual is quite easy. First person to win two games wins. And inevitably we have to play three games because we both have one a game. So, not bragging or anything, but I’ve become a really good player and love that I get to win sometimes.

cribbage1As was the case last night. I was winning and was about to “skunk” Kara (see a cribbage rule book). And just before I did, she not only sneaked out from behind the skunk line, but won the game. “DAMN!” But, I’m hardly a sore loser. I love to play, so I said, “Hey! I’d love to have some pics of us playing, so that I can share them on my blog.” Kara took some pics of the board with my little red pegs ahead, and a great one of Mario sitting in my lap telling me which cards to play.

The night came to a close, Kara went home, then emailed me the pics. I don’t know if you noticed the same thing I did, but when I saw the pics, my heart sank. I couldn’t believe how much weight I had lost, how skinny I was. Then it dawned on me, a conversation one of my old acquaintances had with me that seemed at the time rather off topic and out of nowhere, but now seems to make sense. He asked me how I was “physically.”

cribbage3“Fine. Why?”

“Well, when was the last time you were tested?”

“Gee, I dunno. About 2 years ago….why do you ask?”
“Was just wondering…..You just don’t look as healthy as you used to. So, I was wondering if you had been tested….”

Hmmm. Ok. Now, I understand why he would ask. Yes. I weigh 122 pounds right now. And God knows, the last two years have been a nightmare. A NIGHTMARE. With the stress of that, the stress of not being able to make rent, compounded with not being able to buy massive amounts of groceries, compounded with a hyper active personality that is always ALWAYS working and rarely sleeping, yes CAN cause some pretty drastic physical changes. Sorry, old acquaintance, but the days of my lounging on Sunday for brunch are over. The days of going out for the evening at 10pm to a room filled with overly critical queens is OVER. Being able to sniff my nose at food because I don’t approve of how it was grown is OVER. And it kinda angered me that in this particular community if you’ve gone incredibly thin the only explanation can possibly be illness. And not just ANY illness…..but, the biggie. AIDS. Oh! And just so you know, and if we may speak candidly and a touch adult? I tested negative….because I haven’t been intimate with someone in about 3 years. (and if you ask me, THAT is the real tragedy here….but, you don’t think about stuff like when you’re trying to scrounge up food).

But, looking at those pics, I saw first hand what all of this has done to my body and I was just….a touch terrified. Stress and poor eating habits and no sleep. Does a body poorly. Granted pics of my face get taken often and I like to think I’ve got one charming smile. I really do. But, man….122 pounds… at 6 foot????

New friends like Ruan and old friends like Marie (whom I think has been with this blog since the very beginning) mentioned I ought to put up my donate button again. My dear DEAR friend Trasi once told me to think of it as my “yarn bowl,” and that like any artist, if people appreciate my writing and my knitting as they walk by, then its there as an open way for people to show appreciation and to help. My double pointed knitting needles going a mile a second can easily compete with the grand strumming of an acoustic guitar on the sidewalk.

So, my donate button is back up. I’m not going to be able to continue on this particular stretch for too much longer. Think about it. I mean look how skinny I’ve gotten? Its true, rent is late again, still haven’t raised it all, electric company is sending little warning letters….But, like I wrote in my last post, I don’t need to be a rich man. I just need the basics.

Food, clothing, shelter, and yarn.

Enjoying The Stew and The Breeze

Working on the book has been…..strange.

Basically, I’ve been having to relive those very bad days from a little more than a year ago in as much detail as possible. Sure, it can be heavy  on the heart, but it can also be very therapeutic. If I didn’t have my knitting, nor my writing back then I’m sure I would have crumbled. Even more so, I’m thankful for those talents, grateful that I had them to feed me with. So, for the last two days or so, I’ve put the book on the back burner before I go back and do another once over on it, then send it out to some friends to read and help with editing and changes, then BOOM! Off to print it goes. So while I let the book simmer over a few days, I’ve been knitting more bears 🙂

I haven’t done one of these in a while, thought I’d give him another go since I’ve got plenty of this lovely brown on hand. I love this sort of youthfulness, this sort of naivete in my bears. Want to adopt him? Click here.

Its too nice a day to be inside. I think I’m gonna grab my knitting and head to the edge of the water and enjoy the breeze.

And The Sky Was Filled With Swallows

So after a very long time of just tending to my emotions, thinking about the usual issues of mortality and grief, and simply lending myself to some alone time, I’d like to feel that I’m ready to get back into the world, back into life. I can sense that my face looks a little stranger, looks a little more stern. You can see some unhappiness clinging to me. But, so is the world, so is life….and you move on.

So here I am, anxious to continue on and return to the world a better suited person, guarded a little, loving a lot more, but in some respects, a little quieter than usual.

I’m not sure where to begin with myself. Not sure what to tell you right now, for there has been nothing more happening to me recently. Sitting quietly, knitting, listening to the waves outside, knitting, eating something here and there, knitting….

I think it can be dangerous to have so much time in your head. I truly do. I haven’t wanted to be online, talk to anyone, nor even respond to real truths. I kinda wanted to escape, deal with things in my own way, then proceed. And yesterday, towards dusk, I was sitting  outside, catching some fresh air, resting the hands. I saw a blanket of swallows swarming through the air, darting in random chaos, swooping through and collecting their dinner in the form of little bugs. There was something beautiful about the swirl of birds, the hundreds of them, darting about in panicky shrill. So, instead of having my mind filled with the past week and the things within it, the one thing I wanted to do was focus on those birds and that simple moment of now. I wanted to pin my thoughts into a point of only the birds and their manic flights through the air. And there was something remarkably good about forgetting for a moment the past, or worrying about the future, but grabbing hold of right now. It made me feel better, sharper, softer…..

So I guess in the next couple of blogs I’ll be back to writing about my dancing in my underpants, the strange little opinions I have , and life here on this odd little island, so close, yet so dang far from everything.

I have a bear for you if you want him. Another bear made with the Amazing Yarn from Lionbrand. You see? This is why I like these particular bears so much. They never look the same, just by way of the random striping that happens. He’s another one of a  kind, so if you want him, click here, or on any of the pics.

I guess that’s about it for now. Still a little quiet. But, I’m starting to surface, to feel better. Despite life I still have to get back to selling teddy bears. If I don’t’ sell bears, I don’t eat.

Gregory

Crock-Pot and Crochet

Well, well, well. So much to talk about, so little time. Since getting past the flu, I’ve been working non-stop on filling orders for bears that are due. But, for every two orders I fill, I take up working on another bear, a different bear from my previous designs. I have to keep selling bears, but from now on, no more made to order bears. Sadly, I won’t be doing anymore custom orders either, least not for a couple of months. I have to get caught up AND continue bringing the funds in so I can stay afloat. So, if you see a bear on Etsy for sale, then it’s a ready to go bear. Not a made to order little guy. I really enjoyed the bunny and look forward to doing other animals and such soon.

 

My mom has taken to Etsy. Being retired, she feels there isn’t much more for her to do. She made me a blanket for Christmas, the year before whipping them up for all sorts of people and charities. I suggested she start selling them for a sense of purpose, for something to do. It was frightening to watch her spend much of her time discussing the last episode of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” I showed her the ropes, helped her get her shop up, and now she has two items for sale. I took some photographs for her and even posed in one! She’s going to be focusing only on crocheted blankets at the moment, but they really are nice, soothing, and tender. Check out HER shop!

I love my little studio apartment. For $500 a month, it includes everything. I couldn’t ask for a better deal. Electric, internet, and water. For a poor man like me, it’s quite the luxury. Private entrance, a little balcony, a great view, and I’m only a mile and a half from everything I need. Grocery store and post office. I don’t have a kitchen, but I do have my trusty crock-pot that I’ll be cooking out of again. I found this awesome website: crockplot365.blogspot.com. I’m sure many of you have heard of it already, for the author seems rather famous! And with some delicious recipes! SO! I’m truly looking forward to spending my days finding creative ways to cook with ONLY a crock-pot thanks to that website.

While many people are gearing up for Valentine’s Day, it’s a touch bittersweet for me. Last year I was living alone in the middle of the woods…..waiting patiently for my partner to show up. I spent some many days working up a teddy bear for him, a gift, the only thing I could afford to do. Some Fisherman’s Wool and a set of needles. On Valentine’s Day, it was realized he wasn’t going to come. He didn’t say it matter of fact, but the distance in his voice was even more unbearable than the physical distance that challenged us. On the 16th of February, with a broken heart, and realizing I was now abandoned out in the middle of nowhere, I had to find a way to feed myself, and get back into society. I had $2 in my bank account, and with $1.20 I opened up my shop on Etsy and sold his teddy bear.

So, here it is a year later, my first year anniversary on Etsy and I celebrate not the romanticism of Valentine’s, but rather the marking of the birth of my little teddy bear. I can’t imagine what would have happened to me had I not risked spending my last $2 on a website I had never heard of before. But, needless to say, I’m glad I did.

So, to celebrate, I’ll spend the next couple of blogs writing about where the bear came from, how to make one of your own (yes! I finished writing the pattern! You can buy it in my shop!), and where I hope the bear to take me and little Mario.

Ok, it’s just shy of 9am. Time to get busy. I’ve got orders to fill!

 

Martha, Marshes, and Mario Posing for Maxim.

I haven’t had much time to blog lately. Deeply entrenched in getting my teddy bears in their homes by Christmas Eve. It has been a wonderful two weeks. The room I’m staying in at my mother’s place is truly beginning to look like Santa’s workshop. Bits of knitting, bows, and boxes all over the place.

I wanted to blog tonight because I had a moment just a few minutes ago where I was reminded of the unexpected beauty in life. My mother’s balcony is adjacent to the marshes. All sorts of wild things happen out there. But, just a short while ago I got to see dolphins play, about three of them, as the sun was setting. I took a seat, watched them toss themselves in the air, dance about in the water, then scurry on. Life happens to move like that for me. Great things happen when I’m not looking for them. They simply appear, you smile, you admire the brilliance that is spontaneity, and you weep at how wonderful it is.

I like it here. If I could stay at my mom’s forever, I would. But, at the end of the month, I need to move on. I need to have my own home, cook my own food, wash my own clothes. After a year of being estranged, I’m home. And I love it. I feel safe, I feel protected and cared for. But, I do think that I’ll make St. Simons my home. I tried it once when I was in my 20’s, but none of us do things correctly in our 20’s.

Mario seems to be so comfortable that I often find her in a spot in the middle of any room, sprawling spread eagle and urging anyone to rub her belly. Yes, I know cats aren’t usually fond of having their tummies rubbed, but she seems to feel safe enough to let anyone passing by pet her.

If you missed it, my little teddy bears were on the Martha Stewart show on Thursday. Thanks to a great many people, I’ve been supplied a link to the show, and if you didn’t get a chance to see them, click here. Martha actually seemed genuinely enamored with my little bears. I think I just might be on to something….

Ok. Back to work. It’s crunch time. I’ve got 3 bears a day to knit up until next Tuesday. And in the interim, John (my mother’s husband) and I are going to be ringing bells for the Salvation Army tomorrow. So, even though I don’t have tons of cash, I at least can supply my time to ring the infamous bell. I’m feeling good. Feeling like…..

….like I understand what love is.

 

 

Bear-A-Thon…..REDUX!

The first thing that I have to mention is Irene. I truly do hope all of my friends in the North East are doing well. I know many of you aren’t familiar with hurricanes knocking on your door like we are in the south. The best advice I can give? Do what the authorities tell you. Don’t take storms like this lightly. They may not be deadly, but they can be costly, a nuisance, and all around reminder that on this HUGE planet, we are but spectors to Mother Nature’s show.

Secondly, the Bear-A-Thon started off great, was working itself well….and then my hand went tingly, my back got cranked from all those hours knitting and sleeping on the floor. I had to put the needles down for a minute, for a few days, actually, and got into this REALLY bad funk. I got lonely. I got scared, I got worried.

But, as of last night, I was able to pick up the needles and again and get back at it. I’ve been working on a few custom orders lately, and in the interim working up new designs, thanks to Trasi’s advice. I just finished up one called, “A Lonely Bear,” last night, which totally helped take me out of my funk.

I was able to get 10 bears sold during the first part of the Bear-A-Thon, and I’m pushing for another 30 bears in 15 days. Like I promised, for every 10 I sell, I donate one. So, here’s where I ask YOU to tell me of an individual, group, or charity that could use one, for any reason whatsoever. Leave a comment, I’ll go through them in the next couple of days and figure out where to send the little bear. The world has been good to me, and until the day I’m a wealthy philanthropist, if all I have to offer someone hope is a teddy bear, then at least its a start on my quest to one day help people. 🙂

So, its time to get back to the Bear-A-Thon, raise funds for a long term home for Mario and I, food for a month, and the foundation for all the grand things I hope to achieve someday.

Let’s GO!!!!

 

Compramise and Sacrifice

So for the last few days I’ve been in this tumultuous position….

Scrap that. So for the last YEAR I’ve been in this tumultuous position. One dreary ordeal stacked upon another with the latest bit of whipped creamed topping being facing homelessness. Let me back track a bit. Or rather, let me sort of ramble out some fragments of thought and hope they all come round into the point that I want to make with ths blog: I will not compromse my Teddy Bear business, but I will sacrifice whatever it takes to see the business succeed.

In the past two weeks I’ve watched my teddy bear business suffer on Etsy becomes of the stresses of having to hunt down lodging, making sure Mario is fed and safe, and making sure that my bears get knitted up and sent as quickly as possible to the post office. Sadly, some of those bears have taken WAY too long to reach their new homes. For this I am forever angered at. A thriving little cottage industry going south because of the situation I’m in. Customers understanding, but slightly annoyed. And who wouldn’t be? I owe them everything for being patient with me.

Was feeling a bit weathered this morning. Independence Day. No BBQ for you! A day in a garage will the humidity causing mold to show itself, dark and bleak, hot as hell. Mario is stretched on the tiles to keep cool. I’m keeping her waterbowl constantly filled to make sure she never runs out.

And out of nowhere it hit me. I can be homeless. I can be hungry. I can own only 3 pairs of jeans and a handfull of socks and t-shirts. Thes are things I will sacrifice. My knit teddy bear business? This is not to be compramised. I will NOT let that business suffer under the heavy weight of life itself. I’m hoping there are a biography or two in the future that talk about a nice little knitting empire that started with a skinny little guy in cowboy boots and a ballcap that looked more suited for NASCAR than yarn. “He started that business with NOTHING, you know….” That’s what I want to hear them say. And what to do with all that roaring success? Become a philanthropist. I don’t need much. There are so many in the world that need so much more than I do. At least I have Mario, a furry little companion that gets it, understands it, doesn’t really know when things are high or hellish. She’s there, unaware and loving. See? Some people don’t even have that much.

There have been some wonderful benefactors out there who have helped me. Each of you I go to prayer with. Each of you gets a huge chunk of my thoughts when I rest at night with something to eat.

I’ve been working on some custom orders lately. A big brown bear for Leelu in Canada. A red stripey thing inspired by “City Of Lost Childen” forDarktapestry. Deborah’s Nero Silk Garden Bear. Jimbob’s pink mohawked bear. Arianna’s “Box of Bears.” An orange lovely headed to Canada this week, a purple one headed to Japan, and a nice heathery darling making its way to England. I can do this. I want to do this. I have to keep doing this. So, I’ll leave the donate button up, because God knows I need all the help I can get. Going to get myself a little flat for the cat and I. Thats what I’m pushy for, rushing towards, knitting the little fingers to the bone for. But, even more so, I’m striving and thriving to see this little Teddy Bear business bring smiles to all of you who believe in me. In the meantime, I’m going to have to start relisting on Etsy. I need to bring in some business, get some new smiles working their way around the globe.

Thanks for all of your help. Happy Independence Day!

Bears, Burdens, and Blessings

It has been a very dark couple of weeks, and be mindful, the sort of depression and fear that I was experiencing gradually swooped upon me to such a degree that I felt incapable of proceeding. This isn’t a mention on suicidal thoughts, but rather, an indication that I couldn’t conceive of how to get back on my feet, nor how to move back into the wonderful life that I have been blessed with. True, I have had my fair share of setbacks. Despite those having always been financially, I have never felt a setback that was emotional, awkwardly ill, and debilitating such as the one I’ve been suffering from.

Yes, it’s true, in the wildest ways that destiny works, that I found myself out on this abandoned piece of property alone. It is NOT true, however, that it was supposed to become a way of life for me. I found refuge here because it was a place of quiet and solitude; it was a place to find peace beyond the turmoil that last year had wrecked me with. However, instead of something remarkable surfacing from the silence and the isolation, I found something deeper brewing within me: that all the frail little nuances that make me uniquely Gregory Patrick had been shoved to the side to make way for self-doubt and paranoia.

Throughout my time out here I’ve rediscovered quickly that I am a strong individual, a mighty, creative man who is loved. And so, I move myself now on a quest to recapture the truth behind what I had once reminded myself of once before: you control your destiny. Only YOU have the power to make a change.

So now, for as long as I am here, I am in pursuit of the purpose that I design for myself, the liberty that I alone fight for, and the happiness that eludes those that go looking for it. It’s here (pointing at the heart), under the guise of acceptance.

I am awake now….

I’ve been knitting these teddy bears and selling them on Etsy for the income I need to

buy food while here. But, it’s my hope that I can sell enough of them, and my latest book, to finally move on, move forward, securing the destiny that only I can prescribe for myself. These little teddy bears are the key to my financial salvation.

My emotional and spiritual salvation are all entirely up to me….