"Singularity" Chapter 39: "Right Here, Right Now" [39/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 39: "Right Here, Right Now" [39/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,353
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title from the song by Jesus Jones
~
Ellie knew that those two words were the last thing Joel wanted to hear from her -- even before he decided to leave, but especially now. He's so hell-bent on ditching me now that maybe it won't change his mind, but hopefully after he thinks about it a while... will it make him come back? Ellie was prepared for that possibility. He'd been so... not-sweet today that she couldn't expect an abrupt turnaround. But maybe it would bug him later, knowing he had a kid on the way who was about to grow up without a father.
Plus, he DID say that if I ever got pregnant, he WOULDN'T just dump my ass, regardless of the fact that he doesn't want the baby, so... does that count if he already left me?
Of course, if he knew it was only a fake baby... he might never forgive her.
Ellie had to play this perfectly.
For once, she didn't mind that he wouldn't look at her; it made her task a little less difficult. Looking at him and seeing no tenderness in his face -- no love for her -- had already made her so heartsick that she truly did feel nauseous. It was like he could just flip a switch and turn it off. She soooo wished that she could do the same thing! But even after all the frustrating, demoralizing arguing they'd just done, and how fucking beyond annoyed she was with him right now... she couldn't turn it off. I'm just not made that way. I can't do it. I NEED him... he's MAKING me do this!
She really fucking missed Riley right now. Riley had left her too, and then come back... all Ellie had to say was "don't go" and the matter was resolved once and for all. Oh, how happy Ellie had been then-- but for such a short time that it might as well have all been a dream. Riley had loved her enough to choose her over a new life with the Fireflies. I know Joel loves me just as much... or MORE... if only he wasn't so fucking stubborn! She had given him so many reasons why being together made sense, but he refused to listen to reason, period. A simple "please don't go" wouldn't cut it with him -- fuck, NOTHING worked with him. I tried EVERYTHING.
Joel was just... more complicated.
She fiddled with her hands in her lap and resisted the urge to sneak peeks at him. He would fucking notice, and she needed to convey... what, exactly? Fear? Anxiety? Dread? She wasn't sure, but she knew she didn't want him to think that she was judging his reaction. Because... I dunno? It's more natural to just feel what I feel like it has nothing to do with him, or something?
At least he turned the car off... at least he's not driving away... he must be THINKING about it...
He was quiet for so long that she finally just had to ask if he'd heard her. Obviously he had, but--
"I heard you, all right," he replied. "The thing is... I ain't sure I believe you."
Yes, she had expected that. She didn't blame him one bit -- she wouldn't have believed her either, at this point! But she had to make him believe it. She felt his eyes on her now... she had to make sure it felt completely natural to him that she was staring dully at her lap, speaking more softly than she had all morning. Like he's just worn me out or something...
But Ellie wasn't worn out; she was just shifting gears! "Because I'm a huge liar. Sure. I get it. You don't have to believe me. Just take me home then, and... forget I said anything." She wondered if he could actually do that. Her Joel couldn't... but her Joel was nowhere to be found right now. BOTH Joels must know that that's the last thing I WANT him to do...
"Just... if it's true, then why didn't you tell me before?"
She'd anticipated this question. She hadn't anticipated the accusatory, borderline-hostile tone... he's pissed. Of course he is. I don't think I would believe that I'd simply chosen to keep my mouth shut for so long, through this huge argument and everything, when I had such a major card up my sleeve the whole time... can I make it make sense to him? She took a quavery breath (and it certainly wasn't hard to act nervous... she was pretty fucking terrified right now). "Cuz I didn't want you to change your mind based on guilt, or like... cuz you felt obligated or something. Especially cuz you said... I mean... I know you don't want the baby. I wanted you to... you know. Decide you loved me, and that you didn't wanna leave because of that, not... this. Love should be a good enough reason to stay."
He hadn't told her that he didn't love her anymore, but he hadn't actually told her he loved her, either. Not today. He'd danced around it sometimes, saying things like "love ain't the issue" or "how I feel is irrelevant." But he'd just told her yesterday, and even this morning -- she was pretty sure he'd told her he'd always love her back at the house, when she was sleeping. She very much doubted the love was just... gone. He just wasn't willing to feel it anymore, and he was somehow capable of turning it off. But he still loved her!
"You just said you'd be fine with bein' father'n'daughter again, though," he pointed out.
"Um... yeah, I did say that... if you were cool with it and that's what we decided to do then I guess... I just... " ...just WHAT? Ugh... "...I would have had to consider other options. Like..." ...abortion? No, I don't wanna go there -- that's an easy out for him. ...Pretending the baby is someone else's? UHHH... She didn't want to put any other option on the table, really-- "I dunno. I didn't have time to think about that cuz you weren't willing to consider me just being your daughter anyways, so..."
"You also said you don't care if we never had kids."
Why did I have to say all that shit? Fuck-- "Yeah... well... it's true, because I just want you, but... obviously... um, we don't always get to decide things, right? ...Shit happens." She hated to equate their baby (even if it was only a fake one) to 'shit,' despite the fact that she knew Joel did.
He seemed to be as unmoved as ever by her distress. "What about yesterday?" he asked, still all cold and distant. "Why the hell didn't you see fit to mention it before? You didn't just find out this mornin' -- you said from the second you realized I was gone, all you cared about was comin' after me. ...Right? Unless--"
"Right. That's true."
"So, how long have you known?"
She had a somewhat-plausible answer ready for this one. "Only since yesterday. I didn't go to the clinic, but you can get a home test now, thanks to Idaho, remember?" She actually didn't think this had ever come up in conversation between the two of them, but she felt like it sounded more plausible if she said it that way... less like she was pulling something convenient out of her ass. And Joel would just assume he'd forgotten or hadn't been paying attention. At least she knew it was true: she and Maria had discussed it! Thank God Ellie had even happened to ask her how the fuck the thing worked -- because she wouldn't put it past Joel to quiz her on it. In fact, she would save him the trouble-- "I took the test yesterday and it... told me. I had to pee on this stick, and wait a few minutes, and when I checked the little window thingie, it had two red lines in it, and that means yes. ...I was gonna maybe tell you for our anniversary, but I was scared cuz I knew you wouldn't be happy about it, so I hadn't really decided, and then... well... you know what happened. I couldn't tell you after... all that Tommy stuff..." ...I couldn't? I guess I COULD have... if he asks me why not--
"But we've been careful. I have pulled out."
She had thought so, too -- but she knew Joel had had some doubts, because he was acting extra worried if she felt anything less than one hundred percent healthy... or like, when they were babysitting, how she'd stood up too fast and gotten dizzy... it was like he wasn't worried about her well-being so much as worried about what her symptoms might indicate! Well, okay, to be fair, he was probably worried about BOTH... "I don't know how it happened," she muttered. "Before you ask: no, I haven't fucked anyone else."
Ellie braced herself for a dickish reply to that... but he said nothing. She'd been joking, really, because surely Joel knew she would never do that. Did his silence mean he'd actually been about to ask if she was sure it was his kid? Oh God... I can stand him not wanting it, and hating the situation... I CAN'T stand him thinking it's not HIS! I mean... FUCK. How could he think that about me?!
And she hated how quiet he was being. Like, he wasn't even sighing in frustration or anything. Just... all business, no emotion. He was strictly in fact-gathering mode, the likes of which she'd never seen from him. Not to this degree!
"Didn't you just have your period?" he asked next. "What made you go get a test?"
"I didn't just have it... it's been like two or three weeks. And I just felt like... a little off, I guess? Nauseous sometimes... dizzy... I almost fainted one day at the farm," she added for good measure. It totally could have happened... and the 'almost' was an awesome disclaimer.
"You never told me that."
"Cuz I didn't want you to worry." ...Plus it's a total lie I only cooked up just now?
He sat there silently after that, no doubt trying to think of more excuses that would render it untrue. If he realized he was torturing her... well, this Joel-robot probably didn't care about that.
Even so, she felt bad that she was putting him through this. ...Kind of bad, anyway. It was a necessary evil. Someday, he'll thank me for it! At least, she sincerely hoped he would. When he realized that they belong together, baby or no baby, and he credited her with stopping him from making the biggest mistake of his life. Someday...
But you have to focus on NOW, she reminded herself sternly. He has to believe you, or this is all for nothing!
"If you wanna take me back to Jackson, I'll take another test right in front of you and you can see for yourself," she offered (of course, she was really counting on him not calling this bluff). "Or... maybe the clinic can test people now... I mean, I don't know if you'd want me to do that, considering... ..."
"How did you even get your hands on a test in the first place?"
Oh -- right -- ummmmm-- "They have them in the store. I... stole one. -From Maria, though." Yeah, that sounds better!
"Maria?"
"Yeah -- she had like four of them in her bathroom. By the time we got those tests -- the town, I mean -- she already knew for sure that she was pregnant, so she didn't need one. She said she wanted to know earlier, next time... if she does get pregnant again... they want more kids, you know." All of that was true. (Well, maybe Maria didn't have four of the tests. But Ellie was positive she had said she had at least a couple on hand.)
"Those tests ain't a hundred percent accurate. And it seems a little early for it to... actually work."
Shit! Really? That was one thing she hadn't asked Maria about the test! Be cool, Ellie... "Well... I don't know what to tell you. I took one, and it was positive. What do you want me to do? Take another one when it's like... the right time for it to be accurate? You can watch me do it, and if I'm not pregnant, then... you can leave again. But... I know the test I took is right. It's like a... woman's intuition thing or whatever." ...intuition that HE'S GOING TO LEAVE ME if I don't do something CRAZY like this!
She could feel that he wasn't looking at her now, so she finally sneaked a glance at him. He was looking somewhere off to his left, so she couldn't even really see his profile. Couldn't see any muscles twitching... jaw clenching... his hands, though -- his right hand is balled up! He's upset. FUCK.
She wished she could get a good read on what he was thinking, or feeling... He probably hates me for this... fuck fuck FUCK... it's totally going to backfire... She resumed staring at her fidgeting fingers... until she made herself stop. She shifted her gaze off to the right, because she didn't want to give him any indication of what she was feeling. Two can play this game! Just sit perfectly still... breathe... BREATHE... it's okay... the fact that he's not raging at you and driving full speed back to Jackson right now is a good thing... he's reconsidering his options... and the longer he takes, the better it is for me! ...I think? Seems like it, anyway.
She could feel his eyes on her again, and it practically made her hold her breath. Ugh -- if all of this was true, how would I be acting right now? Every option just felt wrong, when she thought about it. Would she be crying and begging robot-Joel not to leave her? Sarcastically apologizing for fucking up his plans? Cheerfully trying to persuade him that this was a good thing and that they were going to be amazing parents? Raging at him for being a massive dick?
"Ellie... look at me, please," he requested softly.
Oh shit... is he going to make me SWEAR it's true? I don't know if I can look him in the eye and lie like that... HE can do it, but I don't know if I can... "I can't," she decided. Crying might help... MY Joel hates seeing me cry, and he knows it embarrasses me... yeah, that would be a good reason for me not to be able to make eye contact...
"Why not? Hm?"
FUCK, he sounds more like himself... kind and gentle... does that mean it's working? Did he flip the love switch back to the fucking ON position? ...I CAN'T wreck this now! "Because..." The shaky breath she took this time was even more convincing than the last (if she did say so herself). "I can't stand seeing you like this. Like I look at you and you're all... ...it's like you're not even there. You say you're doing this because you care about me, but... there's no love left in your eyes. It's all gone." She didn't fight the tears that choked out that last word... and she made sure Joel saw a couple big fat ones roll down her cheeks before looking pointedly back to her right and swiping them away. "I know you don't want... any of this... I wish I could tell you I was just making it up to get you to stay... but I can't. I'm sorry, Joel."
And it was true: she couldn't tell him that that's exactly what she was doing, because then he would leave her and hate her!
She felt his hand on her shoulder... and she kind of wanted to shrug it off, like he'd done to her so many times today when she'd reached for him, but she didn't. And it just made her cry more. She didn't fight the tears, but she was determined not to let them evolve into fucking sobs if she could help it (way too embarrassing, especially if Joel was suddenly immune to them anyway).
She heard him click her seatbelt buckle, releasing the belt... felt him carefully tug the strap back, out of her way... felt him squeeze her shoulder.
"Come here, baby girl. Please?"
He called me BABY GIRL! She hadn't heard that all day! And now he wanted her to... "come here"? Like... sit in his lap? Because she was right next to him already... she turned toward him slowly, still careful not to look at his face because WHAT IF HE SOMEHOW JUST KNOWS...
He pulled her closer... tugged her up and turned her around so that she fit in his lap without having to try to squeeze her legs under the steering wheel. She immediately buried her face in his shirt, which he wouldn't find strange because it was a typical maneuver of hers when she was crying, or just embarrassed... and then she allowed herself to feel the amazing comfort of his arms around her. Oh my God... is this really happening?! ... she shifted up a bit so she could hug him around the neck, tucking her wet face into it.
"You have nothin' to be sorry for," he murmured. "I'm the one who's... I'm sorry I didn't believe you at first."
YES! He believes me now! She just nodded dumbly.
"And for the record, the love ain't gone. I just had to... hide it."
"...And now you don't?" she had to ask, even though she could feel it in the way he was holding her... could hear the love in his voice again. He DOES still love me!
"I don' know... I don't think I can." He squeezed her. "We should talk some more. I'm gonna back this thing up... hang on..."
It took her a moment to realize he was speaking literally -- that he wanted to park the jeep back in the garage. "I don't think the helicopters are looking anymore..."
"You never know."
She could see it would be difficult for him to drive with her in his lap. "I'll just climb back here and let you... yeah." She wriggled off of him and clambered into the back -- because Joel is TOTALLY going to fuck me back here, finally! And with any luck, I'll get pregnant for real so I don't have to lie to him!
...Wait -- what the fuck is wrong with me?! That wouldn't be good -- Joel doesn't WANT a baby, he just feels like he has to take care of me now and stuff...
She knew she couldn't get away with this lie for long; it just had to be long enough to undo Tommy's brainwashing and get them back on solid ground... somehow. But how?! ...Well, she had time to figure that out.
He joined her in the backseat once the jeep was safely backed into the garage. "This more cozy? Back here?"
"Definitely." She snuggled up to him and looked at him searchingly. Searching for the love she'd been missing... and there it is! "You do still love me..."
He cupped her cheek in his palm. "Of course I do. Never stopped, never will." And then he kissed her tenderly.
She could have cried out of sheer joy this time, but she didn't -- she kissed him back eagerly. She could feel it now, the love... the want... "I love you... make love to me, Joel..." ...Except this will probably be more like fucking? But she was afraid the phrase "FUCK ME, JOEL" was ruined for him now (stupid fucking Tommy!). Hopefully he still liked hearing her say his name, at least.
"But you ain't feelin' good...?"
"I feel great now! I'm so happy!" She still wasn't sure what his intentions were regarding their relationship, but she didn't give a fuck -- she had him now. He was being real with her, and she had to make sure it was impossible for him to even think about leaving her again. If he had any doubts... she had to quash those immediately. She held his face in her hands and fixed him with an intense look. "I want you, Joel... I need you... please... right here, right now..." She hugged him... aligned her lips with his ear... shoved her hand down his pants... "Wanna feel you inside me..."
She could tell she was having an effect on him, physically. And mentally... the switch in his brain seemed to have flipped from "don't touch me" to "I need you RIGHT THIS SECOND." Joel leaned her back across the seat, and didn't even bother with kissing or teasing... It was like a scene from one of those 'guilty pleasure' novels, where the lovers are in such a hurry they just rip each other's clothes off and go at it like animals. One of those things Joel would say only happens in movies... not something that happens in real life...
Yet there they were, pants and underwear around their knees -- Joel did yank one of her legs free (Ellie heard her shoe tumbling to the floor), pushing it up so it was trapped between them -- just like yesterday! Except -- not really -- then he just plunged into her, with no warning... no preamble... no "are you ready?/sure?/okay?" or anything of the sort -- not even so much as a questioning glance.
Does he just KNOW that he doesn't need to ask right now? That I just WANT him-- And it didn't exactly hurt, but... it also didn't not-hurt... she gave him a little moan, and a breathy "yeah," in case he needed the encouragement.
I don't think he even noticed-- He was thrusting hard already, pounding her into the seat. He didn't seem all that interested in kissing, but Ellie managed to pull his face in and smash their mouths together -- that slowed him down, if only a little. The frenzied, rough movements suggested anger, but... no, that's not-- it's something else... AND I GET IT -- I FEEL IT, TOO -- and the resulting sensations were like... they weren't even sexual. Which was the weirdest fucking thing, since they were having sex, obviously-- it was more... ...primal.
The way they were connecting now had nothing to do with emotions, even. She couldn't have described how she was feeling, or how Joel was feeling. We're just... TOGETHER. One body.
She felt him shudder when he came -- inside of her -- and the emotions came flooding right back. On her end, at least, if not Joel's...
He flopped on top of her -- a panting, sweaty mass of dead weight, his face buried in her neck. What the fuck just happened? I'm... HAPPY... yes -- not SAD or SCARED or whatever-the-fuck else. I'm so happy right now I could just CRY-- but Ellie blinked back the stupid tears. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around Joel, and her legs... well, one was pinned to the back of the seat, and the other beneath him, so she didn't coil them like usual. Stay right here, oh glorious Joel-blanket... she didn't dare say a word, for fear of breaking the strange spell that had fallen over them.
At least until he turned his head to plant a little kiss on her neck.
He's back now... "That was intense," she whispered.
"Mmf," he grunted.
I know it's selfish, cuz he doesn't want kids, but please God PLEASE let us make a REAL baby right now... to make my lie RIGHT!
She couldn't make herself unthink it this time. She fucking wanted the lie to be true, with the same intensity she wanted Joel to never leave her again. Hey, little Joel spermies in there... SWIM, motherfuckers, SWIM! They looked like little fish, as she recalled from sex ed, so she supposed that explained the 'swimming,' although she wasn't quite sure how they managed to make it all the way up to where they needed to go. Joel helped them on their way, of course, but like... how far up? Would it help if she stood on her head, so that gravity would pull them into her uterus and hopefully one would meet up with an egg somewhere up in there? How long did it take, anyway? (She didn't think sex ed had covered all that... or maybe she had just forgotten!) If she just laid there for a while, would that provide enough assistance for the little dudes? "I wanna stay like this forever," she informed Joel. "See? I don't just say that when we're... uh... actually, I forgot when you accused me of always saying it. Like what circumstances."
"Mm... this time's different anyhow 'cause I already came." He chuckled a little. "Shit."
"Shit? Why?"
"You didn't come. Don't lie -- I know you didn't."
For a second, she was tempted to lie... his tone was playful, not like he was trying to call her out on anything... but, fuck it, what's the point? Especially if it means we get to have MORE SEX cuz he feels GUILTY! She needed to usher in as much sperm as possible. "Well then... that makes up for yesterday! Right? Now we're even!"
"Damn, that was only yesterday?"
"I know -- it feels like ages ago."
He raised his head to give her a peck on the lips. "Not only did you not come, but I hurt you. Didn't I."
"No you didn't!" she assured him. "I would've stopped you if it was hurting, I swear! That was fucking hot. Like... you were so turned on you couldn't help yourself or something. We are definitely doing this again."
"Don' know about that."
Oh fuck... "Why not? What do you mean?" If he still plans on LEAVING--
"I believe this would be what they call... 'make-up sex.' The kind you have after a big fight. So if you wanna have it again, we gotta have another fight."
She relaxed a little. "Oh. Um... we fight all the time, though? So...?"
He kissed her nose this time. "Not like that, we don't."
She smiled shyly. "I, um... I actually have wanted you to do that for a long time."
"Do what? Break up with you?"
She whacked his arm. "Of course not! I mean have sex like that. Where you don't ask me a hundred times if I'm okay--"
"I don't ever ask you--"
"--and you go all slow to make sure I'm ready. Like... fuck that. -Fuck that and just fuck me! Ha!"
He groaned and dropped his head again. "I still don't really like that word."
"I know. Mr. Romantic. But it's not bad -- it's still me and you. Y'know?"
"Mm. Well, it's definitely what that was, this time..."
She started stroking his hair. "I like it the other way, too, don't get me wrong. All slow and stuff? That's still awesome. I pretty much like it... any which way. As long as it's with you."
"Sweet girl." He sighed contentedly... but then he said, "What the hell are we doin'?"
"Loving each other," Ellie answered. "Duh!"
"We have shit to talk about, though."
"Noooooooo," she protested. "I'm tired of talking. We've been talking for hours -- I'm all talked out. Hear how hoarse my voice is? Yours is, too!"
"Mm."
"It takes a lot of talking to get so hoarse. Just rest for a few minutes... and then we can start kissing and stuff and have more sex!"
"Put it in soft," he mumbled.
"What?"
"Except it's already in..."
She realized what he was referring to. "Oh my God, are you ever going to stop giving me shit about that?"
"Nope. It was too cute." Despite her protests, he did ease out of her. Pulled away and sat up, even. Ellie made no move to do the same. He glanced at her while he zipped up his fly. "You should get dressed, too."
No, I need to just lay here and help the fishies swim up the canal, Joel! "Nah, I'm good." She arched her back a little... lifted her butt...
He chuckled. "You're just gonna... lay there, with your legs... like that?"
"What, spread wide open? Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe you'll get all turned on again..." We need to have a LOT more sex... just in case... She tried to give him a sultry look... but then she had to ruin it by giggling.
"You are sexy as hell," he told her (wearing quite the sexy-as-hell smile himself). He leaned down and kissed her... but then gathered her in his arms and tugged her upright. "We do need to talk, though. Come on."
"I can talk with my pants pulled down."
"Well, I can't. Way too distractin'."
"Even though you just got off?"
"Even though. Yes."
"Fine." She wriggled her jeans and underwear back into their proper position. "Happy now?"
"Yes, thank you."
She draped herself over him and leaned in to tickle his ear with her breath. "I'd much rather do other stuff, besides talking..."
"I know. Later, all right? ...Damn, if I thought your hormones were runnin' wild before... I'm in for it now."
She felt a twinge of guilt -- the first of many she'd soon be feeling, presumably. Every time Joel innocently referenced her big lie. "Can we lay down, though? Like we used to when we slept in here? For old times' sake."
"Or we could just go in the house," he suggested.
"No, it's cozy out here. Look, we can even put our backpacks on the floor here like we used to." To extend the seat a little and create a bigger 'bed' to lay on.
"All right."
They got cozy again, with Joel insisting that she take the cushier inside spot... but Ellie was half on top of him anyways to help him fit better on the seat. This is pretty good for the swimmers, I guess? Except the angle was better before, when he wasn't propping me up like this... whatever. That was another reason to lie down: it would be easier to avoid eye contact this way. If she was afraid of him calling her out on the lie before... she was absolutely terrified of that now. He can never know!
Joel squeezed her. "If I had known you were pregnant..."
"I know."
"You don't even know what I was gonna say," he chuckled.
"You were gonna say you wouldn't have left. It's not your fault! There's no way you could've known."
"Why didn't you just tell me last night? Tommy an' Maria were doin' their best to separate us, I know, but... when we said good night?" His tone was way more conversational now, thankfully. Like he just sincerely wanted to know.
"Trust me -- if I had known you were gonna leave? I definitely would've told you." If I'd thought up the lie in time! "But we were all freaked out about everything, and like... I didn't wanna add one more thing to the mess, you know? I didn't think there was a hurry... and it didn't even feel real." Because it's not! "I dunno. Plus... I hadn't quite worked out yet how I wanted to tell you, considering what happened... and knowing you wouldn't be happy about it..."
He started idly stroking her arm. "How do you feel about it?"
He's worried about ME? ...Of course he is. Fuck... "I... want to be happy about it?" I just wish it were true! It was hard to feel happy about what she was doing...
"But you ain't."
"Only because you're not happy." That sounded legit. "I know this is the last thing you wanted."
"You're wrong. It's pretty low on the list, but there are far worse things."
"Totally," she agreed. "Like you leaving me." She jabbed him in the chest with each word.
"I didn't want to. God how I didn't want to."
"But you did it." Which proved one thing Ellie had known all along: she loved Joel more than he loved her. Because she was incapable of leaving him!
"I know you don't believe me, but it was for you. You would be better off without--"
"Noooo! Don't say that! I will never believe that, Joel. If you say it a hundred million times, it won't be true."
"Well. Things are different now. I told you once that I wouldn't make you... deal with this... on your own."
That's what I was afraid of... he just wants to DEAL with it! "And I told you that I'm not killing our baby. I don't care what you say." But if I don't get pregnant soon from the copious amounts of sex I'm going to make you have with me? I'll have to kill our FAKE baby...
When she had made the decision to tell this huge lie, she'd been so desperate to keep Joel with her that she hadn't exactly thought it all the way through. She'd thought about it only long enough to conclude that it was do-able: she would get her period when it was time -- which would be next week, if it came on schedule -- and then it would be bye-bye baby. She would 'freak out' about finding blood in her underwear -- except... shit, I can't be with Joel when that happens or he'll rush me right to the clinic! ...Right? Even if he doesn't want the baby, he does love ME... he'd probably want to make sure I'm okay... Would they be able to tell she had never been pregnant? She felt like that was something they might be able to tell, even without a bunch of fancy equipment and crap. How much blood should come out... would it look like a suspiciously small amount? Okay, so I definitely won't be with Joel when it "happens"... maybe I can research in the library first... wait, are we even going back to Jackson? If we're NOT going, then... okay, no problem, no doctors around so that's that. And maybe I can tell him I wanna be alone so he doesn't notice that I keep bleeding for days afterwards. -No, FUCK, that's too risky cuz he might decide to leave again without the baby to keep him around... that's the biggest problem with this plan! It's VERY short-term. I can hide the continuous bleeding... I don't think he'll be trying to have sex with me... -no, of course he won't, cuz I'll tell him I'm in pain. It probably hurts, right? Yeah... or, if it doesn't, Joel wouldn't know any better -- not like HE'S ever had a miscarriage -- so whatever I say goes. Hmm, maybe I should stay pregnant for another month, instead of losing it as soon as next week? I could do that! Again, if I say I'm feeling crappy, he won't wanna have sex, so I can hide my period... that would give us a whole extra month to get pregnant for real! Anyway, I just have to make sure he knows how important he is to me, that I would die without him, that he absolutely CANNOT ever leave me again under any circumstances--
"Ellie?"
She suddenly realized Joel was expecting a reply from her. "Oh -- sorry! What did you say?"
"You ain't fallin' asleep on me, are you?"
"No... I guess I got a little... spacey for a second?" Is that a pregnancy symptom?! She needed to pore over her memories from the early weeks of Maria's pregnancy for clues on how to act. But she'd also mix it up a little -- people's experiences were different, after all.
"You didn't eat before when you said you were hungry. Let's get you some--"
"No no no, don't get up -- I'm good! I'm not hungry. In fact, I'm... un-hungry. I don't think I can eat right now."
"All right. Just let me know when you feel like you could eat somethin'. Even if you ain't that hungry. You need to eat."
Ellie smiled to herself; she knew Joel would be an attentive daddy-to-be. Only he's not GOING to be a daddy... uugghh! Another stab of guilt. No, no -- it's okay -- no need to feel guilty when he doesn't want to be one anyway! ...Which made her wonder... "So... why do you want me to eat?"
" 'Cause... you need to?"
"I need to? Or the baby needs to?"
"...Both? Or... maybe just you, right now. You ain't that far along... I think most women don't even find out they're pregnant 'til after they miss a period, so I reckon it ain't all that important yet, this early. But you need to be as healthy as possible anyhow, since we do know nice'n'early. It can't hurt."
"Okay, but... you are thinking about stuff like... doing what's best for the baby?"
"Of course."
Ellie didn't see this as an 'of course' situation, from Joel's point of view. "What do you mean 'of course'? You don't even want it."
Joel chuckled. "That's right -- you were spacin' out while I was talkin'. I said I would never ask you to get an abortion, since you feel so strongly against it."
"Okay... yeah, you mentioned that before, too... I'm against it because it's your baby. If it wasn't, then... I dunno. That's tougher. And it is yours. I haven't been with anyone else."
"I know that." He sounded somewhat insulted.
"Okay, good." It must suck to be a guy... like, how do you ever know FOR SURE, right?! Ellie was fully aware of how much power she had over him right now -- she could lie her ass off, and he just kind of had to believe it. Ugh, which is exactly what I'm-- WELL, ONLY BECAUSE HE'S MAKING ME!
She was going to have to try to stop beating herself up over it. Joel had given her no choice. In the end, everything would work out the way he wanted it to anyway, so no harm done. He would be relieved, and she would 'grieve' until... until it feels safe not to?
Just... she wished they didn't have to talk about the baby now as if it were actually happening, but there was no way out of that. It wouldn't make sense for them to just carry on like nothing had changed... like they had no plans to make. She was going to have to 'get in character' and stay there -- no way around that.
That's it! -it's a game... I'll be playing the part of the pregnant girlfriend... no safe word allowed! Joel would be playing himself, without realizing he could invoke the fucking safe word and end the whole thing. Which, unfortunately, he would do in a heartbeat if given the choice. Right -- back to the abortion thing -- "But that doesn't mean you don't wish I would have an abortion. Right?"
Joel shifted around a little, then decided to just sit up -- taking her with him. "I can't talk to you about this when I can't even see your face," he explained.
Damn! That was one of the reasons I wanted to lie down! Hopefully she was too far along the road of deception to fuck things up now. Already she felt like it was getting easier to sustain this -- now that she was thinking of it like one of their roleplaying games. Just good harmless fun, everyone goes back to normal soon enough...
He ended up leaning partly against the side and partly against the back, with their legs all jumbled up together cozily and his arm across her shoulders. But that lasted all of fifteen seconds. "Let's just go inside, yeah?" he suggested. "I think it's fair to say we ain't leavin' any time soon. No need to sit out here. ...And you finally got your wish."
"My wish?" My wish for this to all be TRUE is... status unknown!
"You've been wantin' to have sex in the back seat since--"
"Oh, that. Yeah... okay... but I didn't come, so..."
"Can't have that," he said lightly. "Guess we'll have to do it again."
"Yes! Like... right now?" she grinned.
"Give the old man a chance to recover, wouldja? Damn."
"You've had all kinds of recovery time!"
"...If by 'all kinds,' you mean a couple of minutes... I gotta say--"
"Okay, fine. Later, then. I'm holding you to that." And if I can get him to have sex in the house, too... She climbed out of the back and extended her hand to Joel to 'help' him out. As if he needed it.
He did take her hand, smirking a little (he seemed to think simple common courtesy was cute) -- but then proceeded to load himself up with his bag, plus hers, plus all of his gear. He even took the extra jug of water they'd been keeping in the jeep for emergencies ("it's like we predicted this was gonna happen")... and he wouldn't let her carry a single thing inside.
"You know I'm not suddenly helpless, right?" she teased.
"I do know that. I also know you didn't mind me bein' chivalrous before, as far as carryin' things, so..."
"So now you're gonna go overboard. Got it. Since I know it makes you happy, I don't mind at all. As long as you let me get the door..."
"I'm thinkin' you really won't mind in your third trimester. You'll be carryin' a load everywhere you go. And sure, you can get the door. But I'm still goin' in first. I didn't actually check things out when I got here."
Ellie hadn't seen Maria in her third trimester, but she had heard that it could get really uncomfortable. Good thing I won't actually have to-- aaaggghhhh, no, NOT a good thing... this needs to fucking HAPPEN now! Anyway -- she felt very confident that no one was in the house. "Don't you think if anyone was actually here, they would've heard us arguing and fucking and all that?"
"Prob'ly. I'd be shocked as hell to find someone here. But I still--"
"You have to check. Yeah, I know. I'm going with you, though!"
He didn't argue, possibly because his gut had already told him the place was clear. They walked through the long, covered walkway that connected the garage to the house (Joel speculated the home owner had gotten tired of shoveling snow off of it), and he graciously allowed Ellie to open the front door. He deposited their loot in the living room, and she followed him through the house, which had a cozy feel to it, even though it was two stories (and thus, big). Joel had a funny little smile on his face after checking the last bedroom.
"What are you thinking?" she asked, hoping it was sex-related even though she was pretty sure it wasn't.
He gathered her in his arms. "I'm thinkin'... we need to move. Our house is too damn small."
"Oh." No, we really DON'T-- But Ellie was going to have to stop having thoughts like that if she wanted this lie to work! "Not right away, though, right? I love our house."
"I think we should do it sooner rather than later. That'll give us enough time to baby-proof the new place as much as possible."
"Baby-proof it? Like making sure it's clean and stuff?" She frowned. He's thinking about all that already? ...OF COURSE HE IS.
"Makin' it safe, mainly. Locks on the cabinets... that dresser will definitely need to be fixed to the wall, if we keep it -- those can fall on kids if they try to climb on 'em... things like that." He kissed her nose. "Don't worry, I'll take care of all that. It's the least I can do while you're doin' the hard work of growin' the kid."
She wanted to cry -- again. She tried to bury her face in his chest, but he didn't let her this time.
"Hey hey hey... stop hidin' on me. What is it?" He cupped her face in his hands.
She swallowed the lump in her throat before speaking. "I just... I don't get it. You don't even want this kid. I... guess I thought you were gonna try to convince me to get an abortion. I know you said you wouldn't make me, but... I thought..."
"Let's talk about this downstairs. Can you just try to eat a little somethin'? If you ain't feelin' nauseous no more..."
"Um... sure. Maybe I could nibble on some of that jerky you brought." That would give her something to fidget with... and if she needed to buy a minute to think, she could just bite off a little chunk of it before Joel finished his question or comment or whatever and it wouldn't look suspicious.
They ended up taking the jerky out to the love-seat-sized porch swing, because the air outside was fresher (he actually seemed concerned about her breathing in musty air). The swing was on the verge of being too squeaky to bear, but Joel promised he'd try to keep it steady enough that it wouldn't annoy her. He didn't say anything right away. Just watched her eat.
Well, that's not gonna work if I need to hide behind the food! Although he wasn't staring; he was keeping an eye out as well. She liked the way he tenderly tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, even if she maybe possibly miiiight have been planning on hiding behind that hair... he's being his usual sweet self again!
She enjoyed just sitting there with him quietly... but broke the silence after a few bites. "Okay, so... ... ..."
"I'm still processin' it. I don't have all the answers... I do know that I don't want you to get an abortion."
"You don't?" She had already figured that, based on how he was acting, but she didn't know what to make of it!
"Nope."
It was definitely one step up from him not 'making' her get an abortion. He doesn't want me to get one, either! ...Why not? "But you also don't want the baby. I'm not gonna have it and give it away..."
"Don't want that, either."
Obviously, or he wouldn't be talking about MOVING and all... "Okay...? So..."
"I am a little old to father a child--"
"No you're not!"
"--but... the more I think about it now... maybe things worked out this way for a reason."
"What way?"
"You gettin' pregnant right now. You find out the very day I decide I need to leave? And then... I do leave, but somethin' stops me from goin' very far... and you find me out here right away. If that ain't the universe tellin' me not to go... I don' know what is."
She swatted his chest. "Why does the universe have to tell you? I would've told you myself if you'd bothered to ask my opinion!"
He smiled. "Yes, but it wouldn't've mattered because... one of the big reasons for me goin' was so as not to tie you down to an old man--"
"I wasn't tied!"
"--who couldn't give you the family you deserve to have someday. Well, guess what: I already did, I just didn't know it. And it happened... way faster than it should have." He looked at her soberly. "I am so sorry. I should've been more careful."
Awww! He's just... UUGGGHHHH...
"I'm pretty sure I know when it happened," he continued. "It was that time in the wagon. With all the bricks. It was hard to move around good and I think I... miscalculated. I must have. I actually had a feelin' about it, at the time. I don' know how to describe it 'cause I don't think there's such a thing as men's intuition."
Ellie was grateful for whatever the fuck it was, since it fed so nicely into her lie! Joel was totally buying this now. She smiled. "Yeah, I bet that's when it happened. I kind of had a feeling, too... I just didn't say anything cuz I didn't want you to worry about it, if it turned out to be nothing. I think your men's intuition was right!"
"I'm sorry I--"
"Stop with the apologies -- don't be sorry! Like you said... this was supposed to happen! If it didn't, then... you would've just left, and we'd both be miserable for the rest of our lives!"
"That ain't true. But things would've been rough, for sure. I am so glad you came after me. Thank you, for that. And for tellin' me. The way I was talkin' to you earlier... couldn't blame you if you never even wanted me to know, after all that."
"Pfff. That wasn't the real you. I know you, Joel. So... you are glad that you know. Even though it fucked up your plans."
"Yes. Thank you for fuckin' 'em up."
He sounds so sincere! ...Of course -- because he's being real now. He didn't know it was just a game... Joel doesn't play games -- not like that. If the tables were turned, she couldn't imagine him doing what she was doing. But before she could kick herself for it again, thoughts of Salt Lake City blocked the blow; it wasn't like Joel had never told her a huge lie because he felt he had no choice! And while she wished he'd been honest with her, she had to admit it had probably worked out for the best in the end. This will, too... "So, you're glad, even though you... don't want the baby?" she asked in a small voice. She kept pushing this -- because she still didn't get it.
He had to chew on his words for a few moments. "How do I say it. I had to... withdraw from you... cut myself off, in order to go through with leavin'. I mean... you noticed how different I was earlier."
"Totally different," she agreed.
"I thought I made the best decision possible. I had to... do right by you."
"That's a load of--"
"I know, I know. ...I know you think so," he clarified.
"Making me miserable forever is not doing right by me!"
"It was more of a... be-cruel-to-be-kind thing." He chuckled. "Which, come to think of it, we were on different sides with the Clicker situation, too, weren't we."
"Hey, yeah -- you wanted me to be mean and stop being friends with him so he could get over me!" She swatted him again, harder this time. "I should've fucking predicted that you would do this!"
He laughed. "Guess so. But now... I don' know. Tommy might disagree with me on this still--"
"Fuck Tommy, Joel! Seriously!"
"Tch, this ain't Tommy's fault. Just listen, all right? He might say I've done enough damage, I should still go, he an' Maria will take care of you an' the baby and you'll all be one big happy family an' things will work out great for you in the long run. But I... can't do that. I can't... abandon my child. There's no choice to be made anymore, as far as... do I leave you or not. Just... no."
Ellie had the very odd sensation of feeling extremely elated, extremely sad, and extremely guilty, all at the same time: He's going to stay with me -- awesome! So... he's totally fine with abandoning ME, just not his child? And he doesn't even know it's not real... what about when there IS no child anymore? OH GOD PLEASE LET ME GET PREGNANT FOR REAL! Now she didn't even have to feel guilty for that wish -- Joel almost kinda sorta WANTS to have a baby with me... he is definitely happier right now than he was earlier...
"Are you gonna cry on me again?" he teased. "Guess I should get used to the waterworks for a while."
She rolled her eyes and wiped the tears away before they could escape. "Okay, so you can't abandon it. But that--"
"Hang on. 'It'? Don't you know if we're havin' a boy or a girl? You called the last one right. You must be an expert at this."
Aaaaahhhhh-- this was the sort of shit she wanted to enjoy with Joel if she really did get pregnant someday. And she was ruining all that, because after they 'lost' this baby... okay, whatever, I have to play along... fuck fuck fuck okay so what would be less mean, a boy or a girl? A boy, I guess? Cuz he's already lost a girl? No, it's okay -- he doesn't even totally want this one -- and duh, I don't HAVE to give it a gender...
There was no rule that said she had to magically know the baby's gender, just because she'd guessed right with Maria. If I can preserve some of this for when I really DO get pregnant someday... because she was starting to want this really bad now. It's fucked up, I know, but I WISH IT WAS TRUE -- and not just so that Joel would have to stay with her. She wanted to have a baby now, with him -- she wanted to be having these conversations for real and not just as part of some crazy game he didn't even realize he was participating in!
But, the timing wasn't good, of course... she needed to be eighteen for Joel to truly be cool with it. Maybe I can use this to just get him warmed up to the idea... he already doesn't seem to hate it, at least? She smirked at him. "I just thought really hard about it right now, aaaaaand... ... -it's too soon to tell. Sorry! It's going to be an it for a while." Like, FOREVER, unless it magically becomes real... SWIM, little spermies, fucking SWIM!
"All right. Sorry to derail you. You were sayin'?"
"Um... what was I saying... oh -- that just because you can't abandon it, that's not the same thing as... actually wanting it. Right? I don't want you to be miserable... or feel like you're stuck with me... and with it."
He drew her to his side and kissed her temple. "Ohhh baby girl. I've never felt like I was stuck with you, and I never will. -Not countin' the first day or two after we met," he added when he saw she was about to call bullshit on that. "And this baby..."
To her surprise, he looked like he was getting a little choked up. What the fuck? "Aww, what is it?"
He cleared his throat, and his voice sounded normal when he spoke. "I don' know. It's just... I love you. And... it's a miracle, when you think about it... we made a baby. A whole new human being. Half you, half me. With any luck, it'll take after you more than me, so hopefully not quite half'n'half."
She giggled softly, legit forgetting for a second that none of this was real.
"I should rephrase... you're makin' it into a baby now. It ain't quite there yet."
"But you started it off!" she added fondly. She kissed his cheek, even, because he was being so cute right now.
"Sure -- that's the easy part. Anyway... I was thinkin'... I want to want this baby. I thought that's how I felt -- that I didn't want kids -- but... shit. The more we talk about it... this kid has rescued me from a life -- a future -- without my baby girl. How could I not want it?"
That was too much for Ellie. There was no hiding behind her food, or Joel's shirt -- she promptly burst into tears. Tears that Joel no doubt assumed were happy... but at best, they were bittersweet.
What the fuck have I gotten us into now and what am I gonna do about it?!
~Continue to Chapter 40~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,353
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title from the song by Jesus Jones
~
Ellie knew that those two words were the last thing Joel wanted to hear from her -- even before he decided to leave, but especially now. He's so hell-bent on ditching me now that maybe it won't change his mind, but hopefully after he thinks about it a while... will it make him come back? Ellie was prepared for that possibility. He'd been so... not-sweet today that she couldn't expect an abrupt turnaround. But maybe it would bug him later, knowing he had a kid on the way who was about to grow up without a father.
Plus, he DID say that if I ever got pregnant, he WOULDN'T just dump my ass, regardless of the fact that he doesn't want the baby, so... does that count if he already left me?
Of course, if he knew it was only a fake baby... he might never forgive her.
Ellie had to play this perfectly.
For once, she didn't mind that he wouldn't look at her; it made her task a little less difficult. Looking at him and seeing no tenderness in his face -- no love for her -- had already made her so heartsick that she truly did feel nauseous. It was like he could just flip a switch and turn it off. She soooo wished that she could do the same thing! But even after all the frustrating, demoralizing arguing they'd just done, and how fucking beyond annoyed she was with him right now... she couldn't turn it off. I'm just not made that way. I can't do it. I NEED him... he's MAKING me do this!
She really fucking missed Riley right now. Riley had left her too, and then come back... all Ellie had to say was "don't go" and the matter was resolved once and for all. Oh, how happy Ellie had been then-- but for such a short time that it might as well have all been a dream. Riley had loved her enough to choose her over a new life with the Fireflies. I know Joel loves me just as much... or MORE... if only he wasn't so fucking stubborn! She had given him so many reasons why being together made sense, but he refused to listen to reason, period. A simple "please don't go" wouldn't cut it with him -- fuck, NOTHING worked with him. I tried EVERYTHING.
Joel was just... more complicated.
She fiddled with her hands in her lap and resisted the urge to sneak peeks at him. He would fucking notice, and she needed to convey... what, exactly? Fear? Anxiety? Dread? She wasn't sure, but she knew she didn't want him to think that she was judging his reaction. Because... I dunno? It's more natural to just feel what I feel like it has nothing to do with him, or something?
At least he turned the car off... at least he's not driving away... he must be THINKING about it...
He was quiet for so long that she finally just had to ask if he'd heard her. Obviously he had, but--
"I heard you, all right," he replied. "The thing is... I ain't sure I believe you."
Yes, she had expected that. She didn't blame him one bit -- she wouldn't have believed her either, at this point! But she had to make him believe it. She felt his eyes on her now... she had to make sure it felt completely natural to him that she was staring dully at her lap, speaking more softly than she had all morning. Like he's just worn me out or something...
But Ellie wasn't worn out; she was just shifting gears! "Because I'm a huge liar. Sure. I get it. You don't have to believe me. Just take me home then, and... forget I said anything." She wondered if he could actually do that. Her Joel couldn't... but her Joel was nowhere to be found right now. BOTH Joels must know that that's the last thing I WANT him to do...
"Just... if it's true, then why didn't you tell me before?"
She'd anticipated this question. She hadn't anticipated the accusatory, borderline-hostile tone... he's pissed. Of course he is. I don't think I would believe that I'd simply chosen to keep my mouth shut for so long, through this huge argument and everything, when I had such a major card up my sleeve the whole time... can I make it make sense to him? She took a quavery breath (and it certainly wasn't hard to act nervous... she was pretty fucking terrified right now). "Cuz I didn't want you to change your mind based on guilt, or like... cuz you felt obligated or something. Especially cuz you said... I mean... I know you don't want the baby. I wanted you to... you know. Decide you loved me, and that you didn't wanna leave because of that, not... this. Love should be a good enough reason to stay."
He hadn't told her that he didn't love her anymore, but he hadn't actually told her he loved her, either. Not today. He'd danced around it sometimes, saying things like "love ain't the issue" or "how I feel is irrelevant." But he'd just told her yesterday, and even this morning -- she was pretty sure he'd told her he'd always love her back at the house, when she was sleeping. She very much doubted the love was just... gone. He just wasn't willing to feel it anymore, and he was somehow capable of turning it off. But he still loved her!
"You just said you'd be fine with bein' father'n'daughter again, though," he pointed out.
"Um... yeah, I did say that... if you were cool with it and that's what we decided to do then I guess... I just... " ...just WHAT? Ugh... "...I would have had to consider other options. Like..." ...abortion? No, I don't wanna go there -- that's an easy out for him. ...Pretending the baby is someone else's? UHHH... She didn't want to put any other option on the table, really-- "I dunno. I didn't have time to think about that cuz you weren't willing to consider me just being your daughter anyways, so..."
"You also said you don't care if we never had kids."
Why did I have to say all that shit? Fuck-- "Yeah... well... it's true, because I just want you, but... obviously... um, we don't always get to decide things, right? ...Shit happens." She hated to equate their baby (even if it was only a fake one) to 'shit,' despite the fact that she knew Joel did.
He seemed to be as unmoved as ever by her distress. "What about yesterday?" he asked, still all cold and distant. "Why the hell didn't you see fit to mention it before? You didn't just find out this mornin' -- you said from the second you realized I was gone, all you cared about was comin' after me. ...Right? Unless--"
"Right. That's true."
"So, how long have you known?"
She had a somewhat-plausible answer ready for this one. "Only since yesterday. I didn't go to the clinic, but you can get a home test now, thanks to Idaho, remember?" She actually didn't think this had ever come up in conversation between the two of them, but she felt like it sounded more plausible if she said it that way... less like she was pulling something convenient out of her ass. And Joel would just assume he'd forgotten or hadn't been paying attention. At least she knew it was true: she and Maria had discussed it! Thank God Ellie had even happened to ask her how the fuck the thing worked -- because she wouldn't put it past Joel to quiz her on it. In fact, she would save him the trouble-- "I took the test yesterday and it... told me. I had to pee on this stick, and wait a few minutes, and when I checked the little window thingie, it had two red lines in it, and that means yes. ...I was gonna maybe tell you for our anniversary, but I was scared cuz I knew you wouldn't be happy about it, so I hadn't really decided, and then... well... you know what happened. I couldn't tell you after... all that Tommy stuff..." ...I couldn't? I guess I COULD have... if he asks me why not--
"But we've been careful. I have pulled out."
She had thought so, too -- but she knew Joel had had some doubts, because he was acting extra worried if she felt anything less than one hundred percent healthy... or like, when they were babysitting, how she'd stood up too fast and gotten dizzy... it was like he wasn't worried about her well-being so much as worried about what her symptoms might indicate! Well, okay, to be fair, he was probably worried about BOTH... "I don't know how it happened," she muttered. "Before you ask: no, I haven't fucked anyone else."
Ellie braced herself for a dickish reply to that... but he said nothing. She'd been joking, really, because surely Joel knew she would never do that. Did his silence mean he'd actually been about to ask if she was sure it was his kid? Oh God... I can stand him not wanting it, and hating the situation... I CAN'T stand him thinking it's not HIS! I mean... FUCK. How could he think that about me?!
And she hated how quiet he was being. Like, he wasn't even sighing in frustration or anything. Just... all business, no emotion. He was strictly in fact-gathering mode, the likes of which she'd never seen from him. Not to this degree!
"Didn't you just have your period?" he asked next. "What made you go get a test?"
"I didn't just have it... it's been like two or three weeks. And I just felt like... a little off, I guess? Nauseous sometimes... dizzy... I almost fainted one day at the farm," she added for good measure. It totally could have happened... and the 'almost' was an awesome disclaimer.
"You never told me that."
"Cuz I didn't want you to worry." ...Plus it's a total lie I only cooked up just now?
He sat there silently after that, no doubt trying to think of more excuses that would render it untrue. If he realized he was torturing her... well, this Joel-robot probably didn't care about that.
Even so, she felt bad that she was putting him through this. ...Kind of bad, anyway. It was a necessary evil. Someday, he'll thank me for it! At least, she sincerely hoped he would. When he realized that they belong together, baby or no baby, and he credited her with stopping him from making the biggest mistake of his life. Someday...
But you have to focus on NOW, she reminded herself sternly. He has to believe you, or this is all for nothing!
"If you wanna take me back to Jackson, I'll take another test right in front of you and you can see for yourself," she offered (of course, she was really counting on him not calling this bluff). "Or... maybe the clinic can test people now... I mean, I don't know if you'd want me to do that, considering... ..."
"How did you even get your hands on a test in the first place?"
Oh -- right -- ummmmm-- "They have them in the store. I... stole one. -From Maria, though." Yeah, that sounds better!
"Maria?"
"Yeah -- she had like four of them in her bathroom. By the time we got those tests -- the town, I mean -- she already knew for sure that she was pregnant, so she didn't need one. She said she wanted to know earlier, next time... if she does get pregnant again... they want more kids, you know." All of that was true. (Well, maybe Maria didn't have four of the tests. But Ellie was positive she had said she had at least a couple on hand.)
"Those tests ain't a hundred percent accurate. And it seems a little early for it to... actually work."
Shit! Really? That was one thing she hadn't asked Maria about the test! Be cool, Ellie... "Well... I don't know what to tell you. I took one, and it was positive. What do you want me to do? Take another one when it's like... the right time for it to be accurate? You can watch me do it, and if I'm not pregnant, then... you can leave again. But... I know the test I took is right. It's like a... woman's intuition thing or whatever." ...intuition that HE'S GOING TO LEAVE ME if I don't do something CRAZY like this!
She could feel that he wasn't looking at her now, so she finally sneaked a glance at him. He was looking somewhere off to his left, so she couldn't even really see his profile. Couldn't see any muscles twitching... jaw clenching... his hands, though -- his right hand is balled up! He's upset. FUCK.
She wished she could get a good read on what he was thinking, or feeling... He probably hates me for this... fuck fuck FUCK... it's totally going to backfire... She resumed staring at her fidgeting fingers... until she made herself stop. She shifted her gaze off to the right, because she didn't want to give him any indication of what she was feeling. Two can play this game! Just sit perfectly still... breathe... BREATHE... it's okay... the fact that he's not raging at you and driving full speed back to Jackson right now is a good thing... he's reconsidering his options... and the longer he takes, the better it is for me! ...I think? Seems like it, anyway.
She could feel his eyes on her again, and it practically made her hold her breath. Ugh -- if all of this was true, how would I be acting right now? Every option just felt wrong, when she thought about it. Would she be crying and begging robot-Joel not to leave her? Sarcastically apologizing for fucking up his plans? Cheerfully trying to persuade him that this was a good thing and that they were going to be amazing parents? Raging at him for being a massive dick?
"Ellie... look at me, please," he requested softly.
Oh shit... is he going to make me SWEAR it's true? I don't know if I can look him in the eye and lie like that... HE can do it, but I don't know if I can... "I can't," she decided. Crying might help... MY Joel hates seeing me cry, and he knows it embarrasses me... yeah, that would be a good reason for me not to be able to make eye contact...
"Why not? Hm?"
FUCK, he sounds more like himself... kind and gentle... does that mean it's working? Did he flip the love switch back to the fucking ON position? ...I CAN'T wreck this now! "Because..." The shaky breath she took this time was even more convincing than the last (if she did say so herself). "I can't stand seeing you like this. Like I look at you and you're all... ...it's like you're not even there. You say you're doing this because you care about me, but... there's no love left in your eyes. It's all gone." She didn't fight the tears that choked out that last word... and she made sure Joel saw a couple big fat ones roll down her cheeks before looking pointedly back to her right and swiping them away. "I know you don't want... any of this... I wish I could tell you I was just making it up to get you to stay... but I can't. I'm sorry, Joel."
And it was true: she couldn't tell him that that's exactly what she was doing, because then he would leave her and hate her!
She felt his hand on her shoulder... and she kind of wanted to shrug it off, like he'd done to her so many times today when she'd reached for him, but she didn't. And it just made her cry more. She didn't fight the tears, but she was determined not to let them evolve into fucking sobs if she could help it (way too embarrassing, especially if Joel was suddenly immune to them anyway).
She heard him click her seatbelt buckle, releasing the belt... felt him carefully tug the strap back, out of her way... felt him squeeze her shoulder.
"Come here, baby girl. Please?"
He called me BABY GIRL! She hadn't heard that all day! And now he wanted her to... "come here"? Like... sit in his lap? Because she was right next to him already... she turned toward him slowly, still careful not to look at his face because WHAT IF HE SOMEHOW JUST KNOWS...
He pulled her closer... tugged her up and turned her around so that she fit in his lap without having to try to squeeze her legs under the steering wheel. She immediately buried her face in his shirt, which he wouldn't find strange because it was a typical maneuver of hers when she was crying, or just embarrassed... and then she allowed herself to feel the amazing comfort of his arms around her. Oh my God... is this really happening?! ... she shifted up a bit so she could hug him around the neck, tucking her wet face into it.
"You have nothin' to be sorry for," he murmured. "I'm the one who's... I'm sorry I didn't believe you at first."
YES! He believes me now! She just nodded dumbly.
"And for the record, the love ain't gone. I just had to... hide it."
"...And now you don't?" she had to ask, even though she could feel it in the way he was holding her... could hear the love in his voice again. He DOES still love me!
"I don' know... I don't think I can." He squeezed her. "We should talk some more. I'm gonna back this thing up... hang on..."
It took her a moment to realize he was speaking literally -- that he wanted to park the jeep back in the garage. "I don't think the helicopters are looking anymore..."
"You never know."
She could see it would be difficult for him to drive with her in his lap. "I'll just climb back here and let you... yeah." She wriggled off of him and clambered into the back -- because Joel is TOTALLY going to fuck me back here, finally! And with any luck, I'll get pregnant for real so I don't have to lie to him!
...Wait -- what the fuck is wrong with me?! That wouldn't be good -- Joel doesn't WANT a baby, he just feels like he has to take care of me now and stuff...
She knew she couldn't get away with this lie for long; it just had to be long enough to undo Tommy's brainwashing and get them back on solid ground... somehow. But how?! ...Well, she had time to figure that out.
He joined her in the backseat once the jeep was safely backed into the garage. "This more cozy? Back here?"
"Definitely." She snuggled up to him and looked at him searchingly. Searching for the love she'd been missing... and there it is! "You do still love me..."
He cupped her cheek in his palm. "Of course I do. Never stopped, never will." And then he kissed her tenderly.
She could have cried out of sheer joy this time, but she didn't -- she kissed him back eagerly. She could feel it now, the love... the want... "I love you... make love to me, Joel..." ...Except this will probably be more like fucking? But she was afraid the phrase "FUCK ME, JOEL" was ruined for him now (stupid fucking Tommy!). Hopefully he still liked hearing her say his name, at least.
"But you ain't feelin' good...?"
"I feel great now! I'm so happy!" She still wasn't sure what his intentions were regarding their relationship, but she didn't give a fuck -- she had him now. He was being real with her, and she had to make sure it was impossible for him to even think about leaving her again. If he had any doubts... she had to quash those immediately. She held his face in her hands and fixed him with an intense look. "I want you, Joel... I need you... please... right here, right now..." She hugged him... aligned her lips with his ear... shoved her hand down his pants... "Wanna feel you inside me..."
She could tell she was having an effect on him, physically. And mentally... the switch in his brain seemed to have flipped from "don't touch me" to "I need you RIGHT THIS SECOND." Joel leaned her back across the seat, and didn't even bother with kissing or teasing... It was like a scene from one of those 'guilty pleasure' novels, where the lovers are in such a hurry they just rip each other's clothes off and go at it like animals. One of those things Joel would say only happens in movies... not something that happens in real life...
Yet there they were, pants and underwear around their knees -- Joel did yank one of her legs free (Ellie heard her shoe tumbling to the floor), pushing it up so it was trapped between them -- just like yesterday! Except -- not really -- then he just plunged into her, with no warning... no preamble... no "are you ready?/sure?/okay?" or anything of the sort -- not even so much as a questioning glance.
Does he just KNOW that he doesn't need to ask right now? That I just WANT him-- And it didn't exactly hurt, but... it also didn't not-hurt... she gave him a little moan, and a breathy "yeah," in case he needed the encouragement.
I don't think he even noticed-- He was thrusting hard already, pounding her into the seat. He didn't seem all that interested in kissing, but Ellie managed to pull his face in and smash their mouths together -- that slowed him down, if only a little. The frenzied, rough movements suggested anger, but... no, that's not-- it's something else... AND I GET IT -- I FEEL IT, TOO -- and the resulting sensations were like... they weren't even sexual. Which was the weirdest fucking thing, since they were having sex, obviously-- it was more... ...primal.
The way they were connecting now had nothing to do with emotions, even. She couldn't have described how she was feeling, or how Joel was feeling. We're just... TOGETHER. One body.
She felt him shudder when he came -- inside of her -- and the emotions came flooding right back. On her end, at least, if not Joel's...
He flopped on top of her -- a panting, sweaty mass of dead weight, his face buried in her neck. What the fuck just happened? I'm... HAPPY... yes -- not SAD or SCARED or whatever-the-fuck else. I'm so happy right now I could just CRY-- but Ellie blinked back the stupid tears. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around Joel, and her legs... well, one was pinned to the back of the seat, and the other beneath him, so she didn't coil them like usual. Stay right here, oh glorious Joel-blanket... she didn't dare say a word, for fear of breaking the strange spell that had fallen over them.
At least until he turned his head to plant a little kiss on her neck.
He's back now... "That was intense," she whispered.
"Mmf," he grunted.
I know it's selfish, cuz he doesn't want kids, but please God PLEASE let us make a REAL baby right now... to make my lie RIGHT!
She couldn't make herself unthink it this time. She fucking wanted the lie to be true, with the same intensity she wanted Joel to never leave her again. Hey, little Joel spermies in there... SWIM, motherfuckers, SWIM! They looked like little fish, as she recalled from sex ed, so she supposed that explained the 'swimming,' although she wasn't quite sure how they managed to make it all the way up to where they needed to go. Joel helped them on their way, of course, but like... how far up? Would it help if she stood on her head, so that gravity would pull them into her uterus and hopefully one would meet up with an egg somewhere up in there? How long did it take, anyway? (She didn't think sex ed had covered all that... or maybe she had just forgotten!) If she just laid there for a while, would that provide enough assistance for the little dudes? "I wanna stay like this forever," she informed Joel. "See? I don't just say that when we're... uh... actually, I forgot when you accused me of always saying it. Like what circumstances."
"Mm... this time's different anyhow 'cause I already came." He chuckled a little. "Shit."
"Shit? Why?"
"You didn't come. Don't lie -- I know you didn't."
For a second, she was tempted to lie... his tone was playful, not like he was trying to call her out on anything... but, fuck it, what's the point? Especially if it means we get to have MORE SEX cuz he feels GUILTY! She needed to usher in as much sperm as possible. "Well then... that makes up for yesterday! Right? Now we're even!"
"Damn, that was only yesterday?"
"I know -- it feels like ages ago."
He raised his head to give her a peck on the lips. "Not only did you not come, but I hurt you. Didn't I."
"No you didn't!" she assured him. "I would've stopped you if it was hurting, I swear! That was fucking hot. Like... you were so turned on you couldn't help yourself or something. We are definitely doing this again."
"Don' know about that."
Oh fuck... "Why not? What do you mean?" If he still plans on LEAVING--
"I believe this would be what they call... 'make-up sex.' The kind you have after a big fight. So if you wanna have it again, we gotta have another fight."
She relaxed a little. "Oh. Um... we fight all the time, though? So...?"
He kissed her nose this time. "Not like that, we don't."
She smiled shyly. "I, um... I actually have wanted you to do that for a long time."
"Do what? Break up with you?"
She whacked his arm. "Of course not! I mean have sex like that. Where you don't ask me a hundred times if I'm okay--"
"I don't ever ask you--"
"--and you go all slow to make sure I'm ready. Like... fuck that. -Fuck that and just fuck me! Ha!"
He groaned and dropped his head again. "I still don't really like that word."
"I know. Mr. Romantic. But it's not bad -- it's still me and you. Y'know?"
"Mm. Well, it's definitely what that was, this time..."
She started stroking his hair. "I like it the other way, too, don't get me wrong. All slow and stuff? That's still awesome. I pretty much like it... any which way. As long as it's with you."
"Sweet girl." He sighed contentedly... but then he said, "What the hell are we doin'?"
"Loving each other," Ellie answered. "Duh!"
"We have shit to talk about, though."
"Noooooooo," she protested. "I'm tired of talking. We've been talking for hours -- I'm all talked out. Hear how hoarse my voice is? Yours is, too!"
"Mm."
"It takes a lot of talking to get so hoarse. Just rest for a few minutes... and then we can start kissing and stuff and have more sex!"
"Put it in soft," he mumbled.
"What?"
"Except it's already in..."
She realized what he was referring to. "Oh my God, are you ever going to stop giving me shit about that?"
"Nope. It was too cute." Despite her protests, he did ease out of her. Pulled away and sat up, even. Ellie made no move to do the same. He glanced at her while he zipped up his fly. "You should get dressed, too."
No, I need to just lay here and help the fishies swim up the canal, Joel! "Nah, I'm good." She arched her back a little... lifted her butt...
He chuckled. "You're just gonna... lay there, with your legs... like that?"
"What, spread wide open? Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe you'll get all turned on again..." We need to have a LOT more sex... just in case... She tried to give him a sultry look... but then she had to ruin it by giggling.
"You are sexy as hell," he told her (wearing quite the sexy-as-hell smile himself). He leaned down and kissed her... but then gathered her in his arms and tugged her upright. "We do need to talk, though. Come on."
"I can talk with my pants pulled down."
"Well, I can't. Way too distractin'."
"Even though you just got off?"
"Even though. Yes."
"Fine." She wriggled her jeans and underwear back into their proper position. "Happy now?"
"Yes, thank you."
She draped herself over him and leaned in to tickle his ear with her breath. "I'd much rather do other stuff, besides talking..."
"I know. Later, all right? ...Damn, if I thought your hormones were runnin' wild before... I'm in for it now."
She felt a twinge of guilt -- the first of many she'd soon be feeling, presumably. Every time Joel innocently referenced her big lie. "Can we lay down, though? Like we used to when we slept in here? For old times' sake."
"Or we could just go in the house," he suggested.
"No, it's cozy out here. Look, we can even put our backpacks on the floor here like we used to." To extend the seat a little and create a bigger 'bed' to lay on.
"All right."
They got cozy again, with Joel insisting that she take the cushier inside spot... but Ellie was half on top of him anyways to help him fit better on the seat. This is pretty good for the swimmers, I guess? Except the angle was better before, when he wasn't propping me up like this... whatever. That was another reason to lie down: it would be easier to avoid eye contact this way. If she was afraid of him calling her out on the lie before... she was absolutely terrified of that now. He can never know!
Joel squeezed her. "If I had known you were pregnant..."
"I know."
"You don't even know what I was gonna say," he chuckled.
"You were gonna say you wouldn't have left. It's not your fault! There's no way you could've known."
"Why didn't you just tell me last night? Tommy an' Maria were doin' their best to separate us, I know, but... when we said good night?" His tone was way more conversational now, thankfully. Like he just sincerely wanted to know.
"Trust me -- if I had known you were gonna leave? I definitely would've told you." If I'd thought up the lie in time! "But we were all freaked out about everything, and like... I didn't wanna add one more thing to the mess, you know? I didn't think there was a hurry... and it didn't even feel real." Because it's not! "I dunno. Plus... I hadn't quite worked out yet how I wanted to tell you, considering what happened... and knowing you wouldn't be happy about it..."
He started idly stroking her arm. "How do you feel about it?"
He's worried about ME? ...Of course he is. Fuck... "I... want to be happy about it?" I just wish it were true! It was hard to feel happy about what she was doing...
"But you ain't."
"Only because you're not happy." That sounded legit. "I know this is the last thing you wanted."
"You're wrong. It's pretty low on the list, but there are far worse things."
"Totally," she agreed. "Like you leaving me." She jabbed him in the chest with each word.
"I didn't want to. God how I didn't want to."
"But you did it." Which proved one thing Ellie had known all along: she loved Joel more than he loved her. Because she was incapable of leaving him!
"I know you don't believe me, but it was for you. You would be better off without--"
"Noooo! Don't say that! I will never believe that, Joel. If you say it a hundred million times, it won't be true."
"Well. Things are different now. I told you once that I wouldn't make you... deal with this... on your own."
That's what I was afraid of... he just wants to DEAL with it! "And I told you that I'm not killing our baby. I don't care what you say." But if I don't get pregnant soon from the copious amounts of sex I'm going to make you have with me? I'll have to kill our FAKE baby...
When she had made the decision to tell this huge lie, she'd been so desperate to keep Joel with her that she hadn't exactly thought it all the way through. She'd thought about it only long enough to conclude that it was do-able: she would get her period when it was time -- which would be next week, if it came on schedule -- and then it would be bye-bye baby. She would 'freak out' about finding blood in her underwear -- except... shit, I can't be with Joel when that happens or he'll rush me right to the clinic! ...Right? Even if he doesn't want the baby, he does love ME... he'd probably want to make sure I'm okay... Would they be able to tell she had never been pregnant? She felt like that was something they might be able to tell, even without a bunch of fancy equipment and crap. How much blood should come out... would it look like a suspiciously small amount? Okay, so I definitely won't be with Joel when it "happens"... maybe I can research in the library first... wait, are we even going back to Jackson? If we're NOT going, then... okay, no problem, no doctors around so that's that. And maybe I can tell him I wanna be alone so he doesn't notice that I keep bleeding for days afterwards. -No, FUCK, that's too risky cuz he might decide to leave again without the baby to keep him around... that's the biggest problem with this plan! It's VERY short-term. I can hide the continuous bleeding... I don't think he'll be trying to have sex with me... -no, of course he won't, cuz I'll tell him I'm in pain. It probably hurts, right? Yeah... or, if it doesn't, Joel wouldn't know any better -- not like HE'S ever had a miscarriage -- so whatever I say goes. Hmm, maybe I should stay pregnant for another month, instead of losing it as soon as next week? I could do that! Again, if I say I'm feeling crappy, he won't wanna have sex, so I can hide my period... that would give us a whole extra month to get pregnant for real! Anyway, I just have to make sure he knows how important he is to me, that I would die without him, that he absolutely CANNOT ever leave me again under any circumstances--
"Ellie?"
She suddenly realized Joel was expecting a reply from her. "Oh -- sorry! What did you say?"
"You ain't fallin' asleep on me, are you?"
"No... I guess I got a little... spacey for a second?" Is that a pregnancy symptom?! She needed to pore over her memories from the early weeks of Maria's pregnancy for clues on how to act. But she'd also mix it up a little -- people's experiences were different, after all.
"You didn't eat before when you said you were hungry. Let's get you some--"
"No no no, don't get up -- I'm good! I'm not hungry. In fact, I'm... un-hungry. I don't think I can eat right now."
"All right. Just let me know when you feel like you could eat somethin'. Even if you ain't that hungry. You need to eat."
Ellie smiled to herself; she knew Joel would be an attentive daddy-to-be. Only he's not GOING to be a daddy... uugghh! Another stab of guilt. No, no -- it's okay -- no need to feel guilty when he doesn't want to be one anyway! ...Which made her wonder... "So... why do you want me to eat?"
" 'Cause... you need to?"
"I need to? Or the baby needs to?"
"...Both? Or... maybe just you, right now. You ain't that far along... I think most women don't even find out they're pregnant 'til after they miss a period, so I reckon it ain't all that important yet, this early. But you need to be as healthy as possible anyhow, since we do know nice'n'early. It can't hurt."
"Okay, but... you are thinking about stuff like... doing what's best for the baby?"
"Of course."
Ellie didn't see this as an 'of course' situation, from Joel's point of view. "What do you mean 'of course'? You don't even want it."
Joel chuckled. "That's right -- you were spacin' out while I was talkin'. I said I would never ask you to get an abortion, since you feel so strongly against it."
"Okay... yeah, you mentioned that before, too... I'm against it because it's your baby. If it wasn't, then... I dunno. That's tougher. And it is yours. I haven't been with anyone else."
"I know that." He sounded somewhat insulted.
"Okay, good." It must suck to be a guy... like, how do you ever know FOR SURE, right?! Ellie was fully aware of how much power she had over him right now -- she could lie her ass off, and he just kind of had to believe it. Ugh, which is exactly what I'm-- WELL, ONLY BECAUSE HE'S MAKING ME!
She was going to have to try to stop beating herself up over it. Joel had given her no choice. In the end, everything would work out the way he wanted it to anyway, so no harm done. He would be relieved, and she would 'grieve' until... until it feels safe not to?
Just... she wished they didn't have to talk about the baby now as if it were actually happening, but there was no way out of that. It wouldn't make sense for them to just carry on like nothing had changed... like they had no plans to make. She was going to have to 'get in character' and stay there -- no way around that.
That's it! -it's a game... I'll be playing the part of the pregnant girlfriend... no safe word allowed! Joel would be playing himself, without realizing he could invoke the fucking safe word and end the whole thing. Which, unfortunately, he would do in a heartbeat if given the choice. Right -- back to the abortion thing -- "But that doesn't mean you don't wish I would have an abortion. Right?"
Joel shifted around a little, then decided to just sit up -- taking her with him. "I can't talk to you about this when I can't even see your face," he explained.
Damn! That was one of the reasons I wanted to lie down! Hopefully she was too far along the road of deception to fuck things up now. Already she felt like it was getting easier to sustain this -- now that she was thinking of it like one of their roleplaying games. Just good harmless fun, everyone goes back to normal soon enough...
He ended up leaning partly against the side and partly against the back, with their legs all jumbled up together cozily and his arm across her shoulders. But that lasted all of fifteen seconds. "Let's just go inside, yeah?" he suggested. "I think it's fair to say we ain't leavin' any time soon. No need to sit out here. ...And you finally got your wish."
"My wish?" My wish for this to all be TRUE is... status unknown!
"You've been wantin' to have sex in the back seat since--"
"Oh, that. Yeah... okay... but I didn't come, so..."
"Can't have that," he said lightly. "Guess we'll have to do it again."
"Yes! Like... right now?" she grinned.
"Give the old man a chance to recover, wouldja? Damn."
"You've had all kinds of recovery time!"
"...If by 'all kinds,' you mean a couple of minutes... I gotta say--"
"Okay, fine. Later, then. I'm holding you to that." And if I can get him to have sex in the house, too... She climbed out of the back and extended her hand to Joel to 'help' him out. As if he needed it.
He did take her hand, smirking a little (he seemed to think simple common courtesy was cute) -- but then proceeded to load himself up with his bag, plus hers, plus all of his gear. He even took the extra jug of water they'd been keeping in the jeep for emergencies ("it's like we predicted this was gonna happen")... and he wouldn't let her carry a single thing inside.
"You know I'm not suddenly helpless, right?" she teased.
"I do know that. I also know you didn't mind me bein' chivalrous before, as far as carryin' things, so..."
"So now you're gonna go overboard. Got it. Since I know it makes you happy, I don't mind at all. As long as you let me get the door..."
"I'm thinkin' you really won't mind in your third trimester. You'll be carryin' a load everywhere you go. And sure, you can get the door. But I'm still goin' in first. I didn't actually check things out when I got here."
Ellie hadn't seen Maria in her third trimester, but she had heard that it could get really uncomfortable. Good thing I won't actually have to-- aaaggghhhh, no, NOT a good thing... this needs to fucking HAPPEN now! Anyway -- she felt very confident that no one was in the house. "Don't you think if anyone was actually here, they would've heard us arguing and fucking and all that?"
"Prob'ly. I'd be shocked as hell to find someone here. But I still--"
"You have to check. Yeah, I know. I'm going with you, though!"
He didn't argue, possibly because his gut had already told him the place was clear. They walked through the long, covered walkway that connected the garage to the house (Joel speculated the home owner had gotten tired of shoveling snow off of it), and he graciously allowed Ellie to open the front door. He deposited their loot in the living room, and she followed him through the house, which had a cozy feel to it, even though it was two stories (and thus, big). Joel had a funny little smile on his face after checking the last bedroom.
"What are you thinking?" she asked, hoping it was sex-related even though she was pretty sure it wasn't.
He gathered her in his arms. "I'm thinkin'... we need to move. Our house is too damn small."
"Oh." No, we really DON'T-- But Ellie was going to have to stop having thoughts like that if she wanted this lie to work! "Not right away, though, right? I love our house."
"I think we should do it sooner rather than later. That'll give us enough time to baby-proof the new place as much as possible."
"Baby-proof it? Like making sure it's clean and stuff?" She frowned. He's thinking about all that already? ...OF COURSE HE IS.
"Makin' it safe, mainly. Locks on the cabinets... that dresser will definitely need to be fixed to the wall, if we keep it -- those can fall on kids if they try to climb on 'em... things like that." He kissed her nose. "Don't worry, I'll take care of all that. It's the least I can do while you're doin' the hard work of growin' the kid."
She wanted to cry -- again. She tried to bury her face in his chest, but he didn't let her this time.
"Hey hey hey... stop hidin' on me. What is it?" He cupped her face in his hands.
She swallowed the lump in her throat before speaking. "I just... I don't get it. You don't even want this kid. I... guess I thought you were gonna try to convince me to get an abortion. I know you said you wouldn't make me, but... I thought..."
"Let's talk about this downstairs. Can you just try to eat a little somethin'? If you ain't feelin' nauseous no more..."
"Um... sure. Maybe I could nibble on some of that jerky you brought." That would give her something to fidget with... and if she needed to buy a minute to think, she could just bite off a little chunk of it before Joel finished his question or comment or whatever and it wouldn't look suspicious.
They ended up taking the jerky out to the love-seat-sized porch swing, because the air outside was fresher (he actually seemed concerned about her breathing in musty air). The swing was on the verge of being too squeaky to bear, but Joel promised he'd try to keep it steady enough that it wouldn't annoy her. He didn't say anything right away. Just watched her eat.
Well, that's not gonna work if I need to hide behind the food! Although he wasn't staring; he was keeping an eye out as well. She liked the way he tenderly tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, even if she maybe possibly miiiight have been planning on hiding behind that hair... he's being his usual sweet self again!
She enjoyed just sitting there with him quietly... but broke the silence after a few bites. "Okay, so... ... ..."
"I'm still processin' it. I don't have all the answers... I do know that I don't want you to get an abortion."
"You don't?" She had already figured that, based on how he was acting, but she didn't know what to make of it!
"Nope."
It was definitely one step up from him not 'making' her get an abortion. He doesn't want me to get one, either! ...Why not? "But you also don't want the baby. I'm not gonna have it and give it away..."
"Don't want that, either."
Obviously, or he wouldn't be talking about MOVING and all... "Okay...? So..."
"I am a little old to father a child--"
"No you're not!"
"--but... the more I think about it now... maybe things worked out this way for a reason."
"What way?"
"You gettin' pregnant right now. You find out the very day I decide I need to leave? And then... I do leave, but somethin' stops me from goin' very far... and you find me out here right away. If that ain't the universe tellin' me not to go... I don' know what is."
She swatted his chest. "Why does the universe have to tell you? I would've told you myself if you'd bothered to ask my opinion!"
He smiled. "Yes, but it wouldn't've mattered because... one of the big reasons for me goin' was so as not to tie you down to an old man--"
"I wasn't tied!"
"--who couldn't give you the family you deserve to have someday. Well, guess what: I already did, I just didn't know it. And it happened... way faster than it should have." He looked at her soberly. "I am so sorry. I should've been more careful."
Awww! He's just... UUGGGHHHH...
"I'm pretty sure I know when it happened," he continued. "It was that time in the wagon. With all the bricks. It was hard to move around good and I think I... miscalculated. I must have. I actually had a feelin' about it, at the time. I don' know how to describe it 'cause I don't think there's such a thing as men's intuition."
Ellie was grateful for whatever the fuck it was, since it fed so nicely into her lie! Joel was totally buying this now. She smiled. "Yeah, I bet that's when it happened. I kind of had a feeling, too... I just didn't say anything cuz I didn't want you to worry about it, if it turned out to be nothing. I think your men's intuition was right!"
"I'm sorry I--"
"Stop with the apologies -- don't be sorry! Like you said... this was supposed to happen! If it didn't, then... you would've just left, and we'd both be miserable for the rest of our lives!"
"That ain't true. But things would've been rough, for sure. I am so glad you came after me. Thank you, for that. And for tellin' me. The way I was talkin' to you earlier... couldn't blame you if you never even wanted me to know, after all that."
"Pfff. That wasn't the real you. I know you, Joel. So... you are glad that you know. Even though it fucked up your plans."
"Yes. Thank you for fuckin' 'em up."
He sounds so sincere! ...Of course -- because he's being real now. He didn't know it was just a game... Joel doesn't play games -- not like that. If the tables were turned, she couldn't imagine him doing what she was doing. But before she could kick herself for it again, thoughts of Salt Lake City blocked the blow; it wasn't like Joel had never told her a huge lie because he felt he had no choice! And while she wished he'd been honest with her, she had to admit it had probably worked out for the best in the end. This will, too... "So, you're glad, even though you... don't want the baby?" she asked in a small voice. She kept pushing this -- because she still didn't get it.
He had to chew on his words for a few moments. "How do I say it. I had to... withdraw from you... cut myself off, in order to go through with leavin'. I mean... you noticed how different I was earlier."
"Totally different," she agreed.
"I thought I made the best decision possible. I had to... do right by you."
"That's a load of--"
"I know, I know. ...I know you think so," he clarified.
"Making me miserable forever is not doing right by me!"
"It was more of a... be-cruel-to-be-kind thing." He chuckled. "Which, come to think of it, we were on different sides with the Clicker situation, too, weren't we."
"Hey, yeah -- you wanted me to be mean and stop being friends with him so he could get over me!" She swatted him again, harder this time. "I should've fucking predicted that you would do this!"
He laughed. "Guess so. But now... I don' know. Tommy might disagree with me on this still--"
"Fuck Tommy, Joel! Seriously!"
"Tch, this ain't Tommy's fault. Just listen, all right? He might say I've done enough damage, I should still go, he an' Maria will take care of you an' the baby and you'll all be one big happy family an' things will work out great for you in the long run. But I... can't do that. I can't... abandon my child. There's no choice to be made anymore, as far as... do I leave you or not. Just... no."
Ellie had the very odd sensation of feeling extremely elated, extremely sad, and extremely guilty, all at the same time: He's going to stay with me -- awesome! So... he's totally fine with abandoning ME, just not his child? And he doesn't even know it's not real... what about when there IS no child anymore? OH GOD PLEASE LET ME GET PREGNANT FOR REAL! Now she didn't even have to feel guilty for that wish -- Joel almost kinda sorta WANTS to have a baby with me... he is definitely happier right now than he was earlier...
"Are you gonna cry on me again?" he teased. "Guess I should get used to the waterworks for a while."
She rolled her eyes and wiped the tears away before they could escape. "Okay, so you can't abandon it. But that--"
"Hang on. 'It'? Don't you know if we're havin' a boy or a girl? You called the last one right. You must be an expert at this."
Aaaaahhhhh-- this was the sort of shit she wanted to enjoy with Joel if she really did get pregnant someday. And she was ruining all that, because after they 'lost' this baby... okay, whatever, I have to play along... fuck fuck fuck okay so what would be less mean, a boy or a girl? A boy, I guess? Cuz he's already lost a girl? No, it's okay -- he doesn't even totally want this one -- and duh, I don't HAVE to give it a gender...
There was no rule that said she had to magically know the baby's gender, just because she'd guessed right with Maria. If I can preserve some of this for when I really DO get pregnant someday... because she was starting to want this really bad now. It's fucked up, I know, but I WISH IT WAS TRUE -- and not just so that Joel would have to stay with her. She wanted to have a baby now, with him -- she wanted to be having these conversations for real and not just as part of some crazy game he didn't even realize he was participating in!
But, the timing wasn't good, of course... she needed to be eighteen for Joel to truly be cool with it. Maybe I can use this to just get him warmed up to the idea... he already doesn't seem to hate it, at least? She smirked at him. "I just thought really hard about it right now, aaaaaand... ... -it's too soon to tell. Sorry! It's going to be an it for a while." Like, FOREVER, unless it magically becomes real... SWIM, little spermies, fucking SWIM!
"All right. Sorry to derail you. You were sayin'?"
"Um... what was I saying... oh -- that just because you can't abandon it, that's not the same thing as... actually wanting it. Right? I don't want you to be miserable... or feel like you're stuck with me... and with it."
He drew her to his side and kissed her temple. "Ohhh baby girl. I've never felt like I was stuck with you, and I never will. -Not countin' the first day or two after we met," he added when he saw she was about to call bullshit on that. "And this baby..."
To her surprise, he looked like he was getting a little choked up. What the fuck? "Aww, what is it?"
He cleared his throat, and his voice sounded normal when he spoke. "I don' know. It's just... I love you. And... it's a miracle, when you think about it... we made a baby. A whole new human being. Half you, half me. With any luck, it'll take after you more than me, so hopefully not quite half'n'half."
She giggled softly, legit forgetting for a second that none of this was real.
"I should rephrase... you're makin' it into a baby now. It ain't quite there yet."
"But you started it off!" she added fondly. She kissed his cheek, even, because he was being so cute right now.
"Sure -- that's the easy part. Anyway... I was thinkin'... I want to want this baby. I thought that's how I felt -- that I didn't want kids -- but... shit. The more we talk about it... this kid has rescued me from a life -- a future -- without my baby girl. How could I not want it?"
That was too much for Ellie. There was no hiding behind her food, or Joel's shirt -- she promptly burst into tears. Tears that Joel no doubt assumed were happy... but at best, they were bittersweet.
What the fuck have I gotten us into now and what am I gonna do about it?!
~Continue to Chapter 40~