"Singularity" Chapter 40: "These Violent Delights" [40/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 40: "These Violent Delights" [40/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,634
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title is from Romeo & Juliet, Act II, Scene VI
~
"Oh my God, Joel... fuck... fuuuuuuck... yes... yes! Jesus, Joel -- FUCK -- I'm gonna -- Ahhhhhh!"
Joel could listen to Ellie come a million more times and never get tired of it (despite the fact that her expressions of pleasure had to be at least somewhat exaggerated for his benefit). She always made sure to say his name a few times -- because she knew he liked that. Not that he ever really thought Ellie would be thinking of someone else while climaxing, just... you never know, I guess.
It was awfully convenient that he didn't have to pull out now. Ellie even reminded him, as if he might have forgotten (or perhaps in case force of habit took over). He kept thrusting, feeling close yet not quite ready to go over the edge... he asked her to rake her nails down his back, as hard as she could -- and that did the trick.
They'd finally moved into the 'jeep house,' since Ellie had begged him not to take her home yet; he had wanted to find a better house, but Ellie had convinced him it didn't smell that bad, and they could just open all the windows to air it out if he was so concerned about what she was breathing in. They hadn't actually decided if they were going home at all, truth be told. Joel was ninety-nine percent certain that they would -- he just had to convince Ellie that it would be best. Outside was no place for a pregnant woman.
'A pregnant woman'... that's Ellie... MY Ellie!
He was probably handling this all wrong. There was a chance that Ellie was not actually pregnant; home tests could give false positives. But for the most part, he thought they were pretty accurate, and between his 'men's intuition' and her womanly one... the symptoms she'd been having... the fact that he hadn't made it all the way out of her that one time, a short while back... Joel felt confident enough to base life decisions around it for the time being. They could confirm it at the clinic before doing anything as drastic as, say, moving to a new house. ...Granted, the clinic wasn't going to be a walk in the park, given the inherent scandal tied to her age, but they'd have to figure something out, because he wanted Ellie to have the best prenatal care possible. And of course, they still had Tommy and Maria to deal with. Joel wasn't looking forward to that, so Ellie hadn't had to twist his arm too much when she said she wanted to stay 'with the jeep' for a little while longer.
The past twenty-four hours had been such a whirlwind... he still couldn't believe everything that had gone down between him and Ellie. It was definitely a lot to navigate, emotionally.
He was certain he'd never seen Ellie this moody, either. One minute she was smiling and laughing, happy as hell... the next, she looked sad, withdrawn... even stricken, sometimes. What worried him more than that, however, was when she spaced out. It seemed to be some kind of coping mechanism she had: a way of turning off her feelings when they became too intense or painful for her. He'd seen her do it before. Could it just be raging hormones out of whack? ...Maybe. But Joel had a feeling he was the cause, and the guilt ate at him.
She also happened to be extremely horny. She had wanted to 'christen' every room in the house... Joel just hadn't had the stamina for that. He had to keep putting her off with promises of 'later'... he was too damn tired. They napped together -- or, rather he napped and Ellie relaxed. Ellie claimed to have slept a little, but she was awake when he fell asleep and awake when he woke up, so it couldn't have been all that much. She was far more interested in having sex than in talking, that was for sure. Every man's dream...
He supposed he should still feel guilty that he was robbing her of the chance to find a younger man who could keep up with her... well... HEALTHY APPETITE, I suppose you would call it. ...But he didn't. Not really. Because now he had the feeling once again that they were supposed to stay together -- and he hadn't felt that way since even before Tommy had busted them. He wasn't simply being selfish, giving in to his need to be with her. Now, he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be. Where he was needed most. It all made sense -- even though on the surface, of course, a fifty-year-old knocking up a sixteen-year-old made no damn sense whatsoever.
It don't matter -- what's done is done. And we LOVE each other, damnit. He was ready for this... they were ready for this. Only the logistics needed to be worked out.
On the 'appetite' front, he offered to help her out with his fingers, when his dick needed a breather -- and she always turned him down. She said from now on, she only wanted to come if he did as well. That one, he did feel a little guilty about, when he just wasn't up for it... but she didn't seem too put out by it (and he would continue to offer her alternatives).
He couldn't persuade her to eat very much, as she continued to have very little appetite when it came to actual food, but he did hound her to drink plenty of water. She had barely brought any with her -- only one thermos, no reserve. What she had planned on doing if she hadn't caught up to him, he had no idea. He liked to think she would've just gone back to Jackson to replenish her supplies and then perhaps taken a bit more care in packing for a longer trip, if she intended to look for him for days... weeks... the thought of it sure tugged at the old heartstrings. What if she'd worn herself out so much that she lost the baby? He was well aware that the body prioritized certain functions over others, when stressed in ways pertaining to survival.
He agreed they could -- and probably should -- spend the night there, at the jeep house. The area was relatively safe, as far as Outside places went, due to its proximity to Jackson, and the fact that this house was tucked in well off the highway and nestled among enough trees that no one would be able to see they were there unless they got up real close. No horse to hide for fear of it getting stolen... he'd closed the garage, of course, and taken the keys inside, so no one could steal the jeep. But while Ellie wanted to stay multiple days, Joel didn't think that was a good idea. She needed to eat more than apples, jerky sticks, and jam on bread (yes, he'd dipped into the Karma jar). He could perhaps go hunting, but she was loathe to let him out of her sight... even though she said she knew he wasn't going to leave her again. That suited him fine, seeing as how he also didn't like to lose sight of her himself (nature breaks aside, of course). He just didn't like the idea of her being Outside right now, period, and going hunting would be riskier than hiding out in the house.
It was early yet; the sun had set, but the sky was still aglow. The two naps he'd taken hadn't made up for the mere dozing he'd done the previous night, and he knew Ellie needed her rest, even if she claimed she wasn't tired, so they turned in early. He hoped the sex would take her mind off things enough to allow her to sleep. The way their 'pillow talk' started, though, it didn't seem like it had...
"If we go back to Jackson... what are we gonna say to Tommy and Maria? Can we just not tell them I'm pregnant?"
Joel had considered that, too. "We don' need to tell 'em right away. People do tend to wait a while to announce that. It'll give us time to... sort things out better." She was curled up against him, her head on his chest like always... him stroking her hair... the only thing different was the bed. There were no sheets, but they had enough of their own blankets -- one from the jeep, one Joel had brought, and a compact one from Ellie's bag that she claimed to have picked up on their last trip, although Joel couldn't remember laying eyes on it before.
"But you still promise we're going to live together."
"Yes. I'll figure somethin' out." They might be forced to announce the pregnancy if Tommy clung to his idea that Joel needed to stay away from her. And if he wanted to kick them out of town? Joel was counting on Tommy's conscience plaguing him on that one: would he really be so heartless as to throw a pregnant woman Out? He could try to kick Joel out and not Ellie, of course, but... well, Ellie had proven that she'd stop at nothing to come after him, now, hadn't she.
And she refused to tell him how she'd escaped. She would just smile impishly and say something vague like "I have my ways." He didn't push it.
"We should just live here," she was saying now. "It's close to town -- we could go up there and get food every few days -- and like, toothpaste and stuff, too -- whatever we need!"
"Uh-huh. I'm sure that would fly with my brother."
"Ugh... really don't want to see him again, Joel. He prob'ly hates me as much as I hate him now -- I was kind of obnoxious before I left."
"My sweet baby girl, obnoxious?" he teased. "Noooo. I don't believe it."
She giggled a little. "Totally obnoxious. But he fucking deserved it! He basically took you away from me."
"Hey -- I told you: don't blame Tommy for this. We both agreed that I'd be doin' what was best for you, by leavin' -- and he didn't know you were pregnant, either."
"Whatever. It's none of his fucking business. We are none of his business."
Joel sighed. "We're family. We all look out for each other. I don' know what's gonna happen when we get back, but I want you to be nice to him, all right? Things worked out just fine in the end."
When he thought about it, he still couldn't quite comprehend how he'd gotten from the mindset he had this morning to the one he had right now. Just those two little words... "I'm pregnant"... words he had hoped to never hear from her. Could there be any bigger sign from the universe that they were supposed to stay together? The timing of it was just... like something out of a movie, really. It didn't feel real.
He hadn't really had time to digest the whole... becoming-a-dad-again thing. The thought still scared him shitless, if he was honest with himself. Losing a child... it had to be the worst thing a human being could ever experience. Meeting Ellie had turned out to be a blessing, of course, but the more love he felt for her, the more the fear multiplied inside him until sometimes it damn near suffocated him. And now... he was signing up to double that amount? Was he crazy?!
The thing was... he didn't have a choice. It was a done deal. He had to make the best of it. He couldn't walk out on Ellie now. She'd been surprisingly reluctant to talk about the baby... about some of the changes they were going to need to make, assuming they could still live in Jackson. She would say things like... she didn't want to think about any of it yet, or couldn't they figure it out later. He figured she was overwhelmed by everything, and scared of what would happen when they got home. It was understandable.
He felt pretty damn lucky she wasn't furious with him. Not for getting her pregnant -- no, she seemed to take Joel's view on that: it was actually good that it happened when it did to keep Joel from making such a big mistake. It was that mistake that she should be furious about: leaving her, after promising that he never would. And why? To give her a 'better life' that might not even exist? Who could say for sure that she'd be happier without him in the long run? Their romance was still fairly new... there was still a chance it could run its course in due time. It could still turn to shit, as he'd apparently predicted. But Joel believed, now more than ever, that it wouldn't. Maybe the way they loved each other wasn't healthy, but by God, it worked for the two of them, didn't it? So what if they loved each other 'too much'?
As for that niggling voice in the back of his mind that worried "what will she do after I'm gone?" ... well, now he could finally talk back to it! I have to tell her--
"You still awake?" he murmured, as they'd fallen silent for a little while.
"Yep."
"Do you remember that day on the beach... shortly after we got there... you were still kind of depressed, askin' me--"
"I wasn't depressed," she protested. "Your magic cock cured me, remember?"
Joel snorted. "As I recall, the magic wore off pretty fast. But... fine. You were just... you still had your moods."
"...Don't we all?"
"Not like that. Those are out of character for you." Which was why Joel was concerned that he'd seen signs of that melancholy in her today, but hopefully it could be chalked up to the truly bizarre day they'd had -- starting off with him breaking her heart. "Anyhow... do you remember when you asked how you were supposed to live without me, an' you didn't like my answer... some shit about carryin' the love around in your heart..."
She snickered. "Some shit. Yes. So romantic."
"You know what I mean. I said it prettier, I'm sure. But you said that wasn't good enough. That you wouldn't be able to feel it anymore if I wasn't around to give it to you... or somethin' along those lines. Remember that?"
"...Yeah...?"
"And I told you I'd come up with somethin' else."
"Yeah... that's right... and you never did!"
"I never did. Until now." He squeezed her. "It is inside of you. Only this time... I mean that literally."
"...The baby." She lifted her head to look at him, even though it was so dark now they really couldn't see each other. "But Joel, I don't want the baby on my own -- I want it with you."
He kissed her forehead. "Of course. I plan on stickin' around an' raisin' it with you. I just mean... eventually, when I'm gone --"
"But you're not leaving."
"It jus' sounds a little nicer than sayin' I'm dead."
"Then say six feet under!" she suggested. "Remember?"
"However you wanna say it -- yes, given recent events, I reckon it's better if I clarify. Sorry." He gave her a quick kiss before tucking her head snugly under his chin. "My hope was that you would have a nice, full life, with lots of people who love you... and that would get you through it. But this is better than that. You'll be this kid's mother... he or she will never stop needin' your love. You'll be irreplaceable. It'll give you a damn good reason to get up every day an' keep on livin'."
She was quiet for a moment... and then she sniffled.
"Shit... I'm sorry... I keep makin' you cry..."
"But I still don't want you to die!"
"I'll... try not to?"
She crawled on top of him and kissed him deeply, just out of the blue, worming her hand down beneath the elastic of his sweat pants.
He broke the kiss, chuckling. "Whoa there... again?"
"Mmhmm..."
"I can't, baby girl. It's too soon."
"It's prob'ly been like twenty minutes..."
"Which ain't that long, especially when that was... uh... the third time today? ...and I'm worn out on top of it all."
"But you took a nap, so..."
"Still worn out." He shifted her off of him and tugged her hand up. "Why don't you... gimme a nice wake-up call in the mornin' instead, yeah?"
"Aww, can't I at least try and see what happens? What if you're wrong?" Her pout was practically audible.
"I s'pose I could be wrong... but I don't want you to have to work that hard. Plus, ain't it better to end the night on a high note? You'll feel bad if... nothin' happens."
"No I won't cuz you already told me what to expect."
Ellie was better about that than he'd anticipated at first (perhaps his multiple lectures on the subject had paid off)... but he felt like at least part of her still took it as a personal affront, if she 'failed' to get him hard. "Please... just wait 'til mornin'? He needs his rest. My hand, however... completely at your disposal." It was pretty clean, too, since he'd washed up a little before bed. He started sliding it southward... down to her ass...
"No, that's okay. Thanks anyway."
"It's all right. I know you feel like it makes you selfish, but... think of it as me makin' up for all my mistakes, if that helps..." He slid the hand over her thigh...
...And she tugged it up to hug it against his chest. "I'm good. Really. But thank you!"
Joel chuckled. "Well, you weren't good a second ago. You were rarin' to go."
"I'll just wait for ~him~ to get his rest."
"Mm. I see. Since when does my hand not get the job done?" he teased. "You've had some pretty good times with it, as I recall. It ain't good enough for you all of a sudden?"
"Nope! I'm spoiled now." She let out a big yawn. "Besides, I'm kinda tired too, so maybe your idea of waiting 'til morning is better."
"All right."
"And if you wake up first, just go ahead. I still really wanna wake up one of these days and find you inside of me!"
"Nope. Ain't gonna happen."
"I know you think it's rude but it's not! -- not when I'm telling you to do it!"
"Still rude. What if you slept through the whole thing? Too creepy."
"I wouldn't sleep through it! No way!" she laughed.
He didn't think she would, either, but he still didn't want to do it. "What about... if you feel sick? You know... mornin' sickness?"
"Um... ... I won't. Your magic cock cures that, too!"
...Maybe that's why she's so damn horny? It makes her feel good in more ways than one? Ha. Just... no. "Good night, baby girl," he said pointedly.
"Good night, Joel. I love you soooooo much."
"Love you, too."
"Don't let go of me all night, 'kay?"
"I'll do my best."
* * * * * * * *
Somehow, Ellie managed to convince Joel that they should stay at this house a whole extra day. He had tried to tell her there was no use stalling, that they needed to face reality at some point, and reality meant dealing with Tommy and Maria... and then possibly everyone else in Jackson. But she had turned those eyes on him, pleading for just one more day to wrap her head around everything, swearing she would be ready then. He had pointed out that it was cruel to let people worry about what had happened to her, and to waste time and energy searching for her, as he presumed they were... but she was surprisingly unmoved, saying things like "it's only for one day, they'll survive" and "I HOPE that asshole Tommy's worried sick!"
They had enough food... their bed was decent... but water was going to be a problem if they stretched this thing out too much longer. Joel had only brought roughly enough to get him to the well where Paul and Karma had been staying -- and that was rationed for him alone, not the two of them. The 'emergency' water wasn't going to last them much longer. Also, he hadn't brought the purifier... but even if he had, they would have to leave the house and go find a body of water in order for it to do any good. Which wouldn't be that big a deal in the jeep, he supposed, but it was stupid to drive even farther away from home when they really needed to be getting back. Ellie was pregnant -- she needed to be near a doctor.
And that had given him another idea...
On the morning they were getting ready to leave, he sat her on the couch and asked her how she felt about going to Idaho instead of Jackson.
"To the medical center, you mean. Right?"
He could see she wasn't thrilled at the prospect. "Right. There's no real doctors in Jackson."
"No, we have one now... remember? That one chick came down to work in the clinic. Like, permanently."
"She ain't a real doctor, though. She's too young."
Ellie groaned. "You're still soooooo ageist. She's in her thirties! Or is it cuz it's a woman? Is it a sexist thing?"
"That's right -- I forgot, I'm also a sexist pig," he said lightly. "No, I don't mean she's too young to do a good job. But she didn't go to medical school. Didn't even finish high school."
"That's not her fault!"
"Ain't sayin' that it is. Just that she won't know as much as someone who was a real doctor back in the day. Plus, they didn't bring a whole bunch of high tech equipment down here. Jus' some drugs an' shit." And pregnancy tests, apparently.
"Okay, so... you wanna go live up in Idaho for the next eight and a half months, which is when I'll actually need a doctor?"
Joel chuckled. "You're s'posed to get checked out sooner than that. Every month, I think."
"Maria didn't."
"That was before. I bet she did later on, once that new girl came down and all."
"The new girl doctor is Aiyana." She smiled. "You're never going to remember that name. I think it's pretty."
"Add that one to the girl list?" They hadn't discussed names much; Ellie just wasn't into it. Probably because it was so early.
"A name you won't remember? Not a good idea," she chuckled.
"I'd remember it if it's my daughter's name. Shit, I ain't that bad. But you know what? I heard they have ultrasound machines up there. Once you're far enough along, we could find out if it's a boy or a girl an' save ourselves the trouble of thinkin' up names for both. Would you like that? Or would you rather be surprised when it's born?"
She shrugged. "Whatever. So... if we go, how long would it take to get there?"
Joel had expected a little more enthusiasm, or at least curiosity, about the ultrasound. Whether she wanted to know the gender or not, he wanted her to have one anyway... to make sure everything looked good with the baby's development. "Uh... not sure. Obviously it helps havin' the jeep... but we might wanna go the long way around. I'd still rather not advertise that we have it, and the roads between there an' Jackson are more well-traveled now."
"Okay but if you had to guess?"
"I'd need to look at the atlas, but... I don' know... even considerin' that we'd have to stash the jeep somewhere outside of town, we could prob'ly get there by end of day?"
"Oh is that all?" She sounded disappointed.
"They might wonder why we walked instead of takin' a horse, though. Guess we could say we hitched the horse somewhere before we found the place an' hope they forget about it after--" Then he remembered something. "Never mind. Maria had to stop ridin' when she was pregnant. I don't remember how far along she was at the time, but we could be playin' it real safe." Something about the jostling motion, he assumed. Or maybe just because a fall, while dangerous in itself, could be catastrophic for the baby. Ellie was a good rider, but a horse could get spooked, or maybe if she felt sick and lost her balance... she did say she'd felt dizzy before... hell, she could be sitting right behind him and slide off before he even realized what was happening. "And you know what? We are gonna play it real safe. There's no need for you to get on a horse from now on."
"Yes, Dr. Joel," she said dully.
...Is she playing, or is she really annoyed? "It's too dangerous. I ain't just bein' overprotective here--"
"No, I get it... it's fine." She smiled weakly. "Thanks."
He studied her for a long moment... took in her body language. The way she was kind of... letting the couch swallow her up? The sadness in her eyes that the fake smile couldn't hide. "What's wrong, kiddo? Talk to me."
"Nothing!" she sighed. "You can't keep asking me that. It's... the hormones and stuff, like you said. That's all."
Joel wasn't so sure that's all it was anymore. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I can help--"
"I just told you it's nothing!" she snapped. "So-- okay, if we went to the hospital... I dunno, Joel. It's a hospital. Or close enough to being one that we all think of it like that. What if they see my bite?"
Joel had thought about that already; it was a concern, but he felt the benefits outweighed the risks. "If they wanna draw blood, or... take your blood pressure or somethin'... we'll make sure they use the other arm. Maybe we can find you a wrist brace somewhere. Then you wouldn't have to worry about it. They could even use that arm, long as you don't take it off."
"A brace? Like... that I would just wear every time? Wouldn't they think that's weird?"
"Maybe. They might wanna look at your hand, if it's hurtin' you enough that you have to wear a brace, so that might be risky, too... it would look suspicious if we say no... I'm just thinkin' out loud here."
"...Yeah, me too... like... what if they take my blood, and they test it, and they come back and say I'm infected and they have to kill me?"
The thought had crossed Joel's mind before -- prior to the pregnancy, even, just in general, thinking about if Ellie ever needed any kind of procedure done. "They don't have that capability in Jackson, according to Tommy. Now, I don' know if things are different in Idaho... with the better equipment an' whatnot... an actual lab to do tests, all that... or if your blood might still look different to 'em somehow. But I would be with you the whole time... and I promise you, I wouldn't let any of 'em hurt you." Maybe it WOULD be better to just skip anything involving bloodwork...
"Great. So you'd kill off more doctors -- more innocent people -- just to -- ugh, of course you would. You did it before, you'd do it again." She glared at him.
He didn't want to get into all that again with her; he thought she'd forgiven him by now, but he supposed there would always be some resentment there, regardless. "Or... we could just forget the blood. Tell 'em you're deathly afraid of needles or somethin'. I don' know. They can still check you out... do the ultrasounds, the measurements... make sure the baby looks good... that it's growin' the way it's s'posed to..."
She shook her head. "No. No way. I'm not going near a hospital. Let's just go home. I'm sure Jackson's stuff is good enough. And if it's not... well, I'm prob'ly gonna lose the baby anyways, right? I mean... doesn't that happen all the time?"
Again, she'd surprised him. Especially her tone. She sounded... cold. Unfeeling. Maybe THAT'S the problem here... she doesn't wanna let herself get too attached to this baby because she's scared she'll lose it? "No. Not all the time. Not even most of the time," he assured her.
"Are you sure, cuz... I heard it's something like... eighty percent," she mumbled, eyes downcast.
"Eighty percent that don't make it? ...Where did you hear that?"
She shrugged. Started playing with her hands, weaving her fingers together, cracking her knuckles... just... being real fidgety. Maybe from anxiety? Although he got the sense that she was lying. If she was, he didn't understand why.
Maybe she just needed some reassurance. "Well, I don't think that's right. Maybe it's higher nowadays than it used to be, but... no one could know that for sure. They don't keep track of statistics like that anymore. Or... if they do, the data's gotta be real skewed, 'cause a lot of folks are livin' off the grid now -- flyin' under the radar. Everyone not in a QZ would be unaccounted for, in studies like that." He wondered if that would be changing in Jackson some time soon... if the military did indeed intend to take it over eventually, and all signs pointed that way, from what Joel could see. He wasn't sure what that might mean for Ellie and him... but he had more immediate things to worry about first. Like convincing Ellie to think more positively. "Hey. No matter what the real percentage is, that ain't gonna happen to us, all right? We're gonna take precautions, an' make sure you get the proper--"
"It could still happen, though, even if we do everything right. It's happened to people in Jackson before."
He scooted closer to her and took one of her fidgety hands in his. Her palm is all sweaty... "Ellie, look at me." He waited for her to look up. "Is there a possibility? Sure. I can't tell you there ain't. But you've gotta just... try not to dwell on that, all right? It ain't good for you or the baby. You know what a self-fulfillin' prophecy is?"
"...Um... I think so... if you believe something bad's going to happen so much that you like... make it happen because you're thinking it?"
"Somethin' like that. If you wanna hold off on things like... thinkin' about names, or... stuff that takes place after it's born... that's fine. But don't just... assume that you're gonna--"
"Okay!" she cut him off and... flung her arms around his neck. Surprising him yet again. "I'm sorry! I don't mean to be like... I don't wanna make anything happen that... fuck, I wish it could be the opposite -- if I want something so bad that it just comes true cuz I'm wishing for it? Why can't it be like that?"
She sounded tearful, which probably explained the sudden hug -- she still didn't like crying in front of him. He tried to gently push her back enough to talk to her face to face anyhow, but she wasn't having it. She clung to him more tightly, sniffling into his shoulder, so he just held her close. Rocked her a little. "Maybe it can be like that. There is... nothin', so far, to make me think there's anything wrong with this pregnancy." Not that he would know exactly what would make him think so... just... if she was having bad cramps, or... blood in her underwear, I guess? We're good there... "Just keep thinkin' that we're gonna have a healthy, strong--"
"Joel, shut up, okay? Can you just... not?" she asked softly.
Maybe she just needs a good cry? "All right. I've got you. Let it out. It's okay..."
He kept soothing her, but she didn't get beyond the sniffling stage. She wanted to be held, she didn't want to look at him... and she also didn't seem to want to cry. Eventually the sniffling subsided. She remained quiet for a little while, and Joel wondered if he was rocking her to sleep when she finally muttered something that sounded like "sorry."
"You okay now?" he asked her gently.
"Yeah." And still, she didn't pull back. "Just... um... you would be upset if I lost the baby. Wouldn't you."
"Of course." What a strange... non-question.
"I mean you'd be like... you know. Sad and everything?"
"Yes, of course," he repeated. "I'd be... real sad."
She started to pull away then, apparently satisfied with that answer. He kissed her temple when she lifted her head, and he tried to tilt her chin up, but then she... she's unbuckling my belt?! "Ellie, we really oughta get goin'."
"No! Not yet. We haven't had sex today!" She kissed him eagerly while her hands fumbled around with his fly.
She said it all... sensible-like. The way a person might say they can't leave because they haven't had breakfast yet. "What does that--"
"Sssshhhh -- Joel -- I want you --"
...And so they had sex yet again.
Joel protested, but... she just wasn't hearing him. Or maybe she just didn't care. It was... downright bizarre.
Sure, the pregnancy hormones on top of the teenage hormones must be... a force to contend with. But she was so... ...so desperate, each time. She wasn't even reaching orgasm, some of the time, and the times she did... well, he couldn't be certain she wasn't faking it. He did what he could to make it more pleasurable for her -- he tried to touch her, kiss her... but she didn't want him to go slow. She wanted it fast and hard... she just seemed to want him to come as soon as possible. Almost like she wanted it over with. Which might make sense, since she apparently wasn't that aroused, except that she was the one who kept initiating it -- she was the one setting the pace. And this time, she'd been... he didn't want to say violent, but...
Yes. That was what it had felt like. There was no better word.
She finished doing up her jeans and sat beside him to put her shoes back on. "I'm ready to go now," she said, glancing at him.
"Well... I ain't." He hadn't moved an inch since she'd climbed off of him. I really need to get to the bottom of this.
"Did I wear you out so early in the day?" she teased. "Hopefully by lunchtime you'll be--"
"Ellie, knock it off. This has to stop."
"I did wear you out!" she smirked.
"I'm serious. Are you... still angry with me? About the other day?" That sounded nicer than saying--
"About you leaving me, you mean? Why would I be mad?" She didn't sound mad -- just sarcastic. "You can tuck yourself back in now. I won't make you go again so soon."
Joel snorted. "I know it's a big joke to you, but you really... was that even enjoyable for you?"
"Of course! Duh -- it's always--"
"Well, it wasn't for me," he cut in. "And I really don't see how it could've been for you, either. You were dry as a bone."
That comment was finally enough to give her pause. "You... didn't like it?"
"No. Why do you think I was suggestin' we oughta stop?"
"But... you got hard, so--"
"At this point, I honestly don't even know how that happened. He just likes you too much, I reckon. Too much for his own damn good." Joel finally started 'tucking himself back in.' "I'm tellin' you, he needs a breather. He's gonna be sore for awhile. You'll have to make do with my--"
"It hurt? Is that what you're telling me?"
She seemed surprised, but Joel figured she had to be sore as well. Maybe even more so. "I just wanna know what's goin' on with you. What's goin' through that pretty head of yours." He drew her to his side.
She looked at him sadly... contritely. "I'm so sorry... why didn't you tell me I was hurting you?"
"Oh good, at least you weren't doin' it on purpose," he said lightly.
"Of course I wasn't! You didn't answer the question -- why didn't you say something?" She reached up to cup his cheek and stroke his beard with her thumb, the gentle caress a stark contrast to all the grabbing and groping she'd been doing of late.
He turned his head to kiss her palm. "I don' know. You didn't wanna stop, so I just figured I'd--"
"But I would have if you told me that!" she cried.
"All right. It ain't that big a deal. I was just givin' you a heads up that I--"
"It is a big deal! How many times has it hurt and you haven't said anything?!"
Joel could think of only one other time -- just yesterday, and it hadn't been as bad as this. He'd felt some discomfort, and hadn't found the sex all that pleasurable, but he didn't want to hurt Ellie's feelings. Then or now. "Only this time," he fibbed.
"Took you a second to answer so I'm thinking that's a lie," she said crossly.
"You didn't put him out of commission the other time so it wasn't--"
"God, I'm a horrible person -- I'm soooooo sorry I did that to you!" she wailed.
"Calm down, baby girl. I told you -- it ain't that big a--"
"Yes it fucking is! You're always asking me if I'm okay... er, maybe not so much the last... uh... few times, when I was all... -but in the beginning. Remember how you kept telling me to let you know if I ever felt uncomfortable, or if something hurt --"
"You already know I'm a goddamn hypocrite."
"But... fuck, Joel! You should've pushed me off you or something. Promise me you'll tell me next time! If you even want there to be a next time. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, after that."
He pulled her in closer and gave her a sweet little kiss. "Stop. Of course I do. I love you."
She was blinking back tears again. "Okay," she whispered. "But promise me."
"I promise." He would just make sure it didn't get to that point. If he had said something earlier, he could have prevented it from escalating this far. I don't think we'll get there again. But I still don't know WHY she was being that way... "I just wish you would talk to me. Can you tell me why you're bein' so... ..." ...Aggressive? Rough? No, neither of those quite covers it...
But she seemed to know what he meant. "It's hormones, I guess? I dunno... maybe cuz like... in the jeep. Yeah! That was awesome. I must've got it in my head that we should keep doing it that way? -Wait -- you liked that too, didn't you?"
"Yes. Don't worry." It sounded like Ellie didn't really know the reason. That she was just grasping at straws, trying to figure it out herself. Maybe it didn't necessarily indicate some huge problem that needed fixing. ...Or am I being lazy now? Shit, these last few days...
"Joel, I swear to you -- I didn't even know it could hurt, if you're a guy. Is that stupid?"
He chuckled. " 'Course not. How would you know?"
"Well, obviously it hurts when you get kicked there. That's like... every man's worst fear, right?"
"It... ranks pretty high up there. Sure. But this wasn't anywhere near as bad as that, all right? Don't feel bad." It was sweet of her to worry, though. He kissed her forehead.
"Do your balls hurt, too? Or just your dick?"
"Uh... the whole package, I guess."
She winced. "Sorry. I'm such an asshole!"
"No you ain't," he chuckled. "Let's just do it nice an' easy next time, yeah?"
"And when's that gonna be? Tonight?" she asked eagerly.
Damn, girl-- "Tonight? Oh no. I'm done for today." Whether that was technically true or not, he was just done.
"But I wanna make it up to you," she pouted.
"There's other ways you can do that."
"Okay! Name it and I'll do it!"
"Well... a nice hot bath would be nice. We could jus' soak in the tub together. Sound good?"
"Sounds like that's as much for me as it is for you," she complained, but she was smiling. "If we even... get to be in the same house?"
Joel sighed. "Yeah, I don' know what's gonna happen with my goddamn brother. Pretty sure we're gonna have to tell him you're pregnant."
She scowled. "Motherfucker. He doesn't deserve to know."
"Ellie--"
"I know you said to be nice to him, but fuck him! This was all his fault."
"Ultimately, it was mine. I made a mistake. And I won't make it again. If he's gonna try an' say that we can't live together... how 'bout this: then we go to Idaho."
"I really don't wanna go there," she protested. "I'd rather go find Paul and Karma instead. We wouldn't have to tell them anything -- I won't get fat for a long time, right? And even when I do, I could probably hide it for a while... maybe I'll suddenly take a liking to wearing your clothes all the time?"
"Cute." That was another option. Joel just didn't like the thought of Ellie not being near a doctor... not having adequate meals consistently... not being as safe as she would be Inside. "Or maybe we go to California. Kiss'n'make up with Golden Sands."
She considered this. "Yeah... maybe we could do that... has it been long enough, though, you think?"
"Don' know. I think we'd have to be real careful." The more he thought about it, the more Joel didn't like the idea. There were no doctors there, either, and although they would be pretty safe from the world at large, word could always get back to that army base somehow -- if they were even still in 'business' with them after everything that had happened. He and Ellie could perhaps lay low there, but they'd be trusting their fate to twenty-two other people. If just one of them was sympathetic to the soldiers... "No, I don't like that idea after all. Never mind. First things first -- we go back to Jackson. We can sort things out there. You ready now?"
She said that she was... but she had this air of misery about her. Joel had seen her weather dark days before -- had seen her so despondent that she didn't seem to care about anything. This definitely wasn't that... yet it was also worse, somehow. He just couldn't understand it, and he didn't know how to help her.
* * * * * * *
Joel would have driven Ellie right up to the gate if he could have, but the goddamn jeep was still a possible source of trouble. He drove as close as he dared to Jackson, which was still about half a mile away. A little too close for comfort with patrols ranging out farther than that, at least some of the time... but if they could find another garage or something to conceal it, they could probably get away with it. They were probably going to have to just let it go to rot, like all the other cars around. No more Sunday joyrides. Joel didn't want Ellie to be Outside at all, for any reason, and even though those excursions probably weren't that risky, they were just plain unnecessary. Everything was different, now that she was pregnant. But he still didn't like the idea of 'wasting' the jeep, and thought it would be nice to go visit Paul and Karma... bring them some food, maybe some other stuff... and then leave it with them. They could keep it hidden somewhere when it wasn't needed, and he'd make sure to explain the possible risks to Paul -- but truthfully, Paul could just say he'd found it, and the military would have no reason not to believe him. He and Karma wouldn't fit the description of the thieves they were searching for. Of course, one of the soldiers could still get trigger-happy or something...
Shit. Maybe the best thing to do is just leave it near a highway somewhere, NO mud covering the paint, and maybe a helicopter will spot it someday. Whenever the military happened to find it, they could plan on recovering it, fixing whatever needed fixing -- and they could assume that he and Ellie were either dead or long gone. Case closed.
But he wouldn't want to leave it too close to Jackson. He could make it look like they'd been headed in that direction... like they'd never made it there. Then make the long trek back on foot. It would have to be far enough out that it would take at least a few days to return, if not farther -- and he couldn't bring Ellie along for that now. She could argue all she wanted that she wasn't suddenly helpless, but she was more vulnerable -- or, rather, the baby was. She might be strong enough to endure or overcome certain things, but the baby might not be. No, he would have to leave her again... and would she believe that he was planning on coming right back this time?
He could figure something out later. For the time being, they were going to hide the jeep real close by, and walk the rest of the way to the gate. "What about that barn back there?" Ellie suggested, pointing to their left.
"That's prob'ly good enough." He swung the jeep off the road into the field, and slowed it way down for Ellie's sake; he was afraid that the jostling motion might be similar to that of a horse.
"I think we can go a little bit faster than snail pace..."
"It's a bit rough out here, is all."
"Are you gonna carry me the rest of the way back, too?" she teased.
"I think walkin' would be easier on you, actually." Less jostl-y.
She rolled her eyes. "I was just kidding!"
"I know."
After they parked the jeep inside the barn and retrieved all their shit out of it, Ellie said she had to pee "and possibly puke." Naturally, she didn't want to do either of those things in front of him (he had held her hair for her while she puked that one time last summer, but she said it was way too gross and embarrassing). He tried to send her out into the fields where she'd be far enough away for privacy, yet still in his eyesight... she hadn't liked the idea, though, and wanted to just go behind the barn instead while he waited in front of it. He reluctantly agreed.
He thought he'd still be able to hear her, from where he was at... but he heard nothing. ...Don't PANIC, goddamnit... you already scoped the place out and it's clean. The farmhouse across the way was all boarded up... clearly abandoned, no hunters or Infected or any other riff raff hanging about. Even if someone were to nonsensically come bursting through one of the boarded-up windows, he was on that side, not her.
...But still.
... ...Godddamnit.
Minutes ticked by painfully slowly. He had to stop himself from going after her no less than ten times.
And on that tenth time, it finally hit him: what an idiot I've been!
He suddenly realized why Ellie had been acting strangely -- it wasn't strange at all, actually. It made perfect sense.
When she finally came back around the corner, he smiled. And it was a big goofy grin, he was sure, because he was so overcome with this... revelation, about her... about the two of them...
Ellie stopped walking well before she reached him, clearly taken aback by his expression. "What's so funny? Do I have puke on my shirt or something?"
He chuckled. "No... did you get sick, then?"
"A little. I drank some water... but I'm gonna have to start carrying mint around, I guess. Do you have some in your bag? Did you bring any?"
"Forget the mint. Ellie... I..." ...suddenly don't know what to say?
Her eyes widened. "What is it?"
"Come an' sit. Sit down... I guess back in the jeep? Shit, we just can't seem to get away from--"
"No -- just tell me!"
He closed the gap between them and took her hands in his. "Relax -- it's nothin' bad. It's... the opposite, actually."
"O... kay?"
"I know why you've been actin' like... -all the sex. It's got nothin' to do with sex."
Despite the fact that he'd just told her this was nothing bad, Ellie blanched. "It doesn't?"
"Nope." He pulled her in closer and put his arms around her... though he wanted to look her in the eye, so he didn't hug her to his chest. "It's 'cause of what I did to you. It only hit me just now... how wrong it was. How... traumatic. Just... disappearin' like that, lettin' you wake up to find me... not there... I think you maybe went into survival mode. There's prob'ly a better word for it--"
"No, that's pretty accurate," she said. She looked a little less pale... a little more at ease.
"Right. That shit gets into your subconscious. Especially 'cause... you came all the way out here an' found me, and I still... I just hurt you more. And the thing that made me come around? Was you tellin' me you're pregnant. When I think about it, your libido seems to kick into overdrive right after you've been upset. Scared of losin' the baby, or losin' me... thinkin' those two things might be related... it don't take a shrink to figure out that you were cravin' the closeness -- the emotional part of sex. But your brain still ain't convinced you can trust me, so... at the same time, you're keepin' your distance. It's like a... a self defense mechanism. The sex... it ain't gettin' the job done, to your brain's satisfaction, but your heart won't let it be anything besides this... this..." He was at a loss as to how to categorize the strange intercourse they'd had that morning -- it didn't even rank up there with mere fucking, in Joel's book. "Whatever that was, last time. It's like you don't wanna let me all the way back in, so you're in this cycle of... ...well, it ain't good. ...How am I doin' so far?"
She seemed to be a little squirmy... a bit more uncomfortable with the conversation now. "I dunno about all that..."
"Let's go sit down. Come on." He put his arm around her shoulders and walked her back inside the barn. "Right here." He didn't let her climb into the jeep, though. He turned her toward him and hoisted her into the seat, so that she was facing him, her legs dangling over the side.
"Aren't you gonna sit, too?" she asked.
"Nope." He dropped a kiss on top of her head and stood back to look at her, running his hands down her arms... lingering close enough to touch her. "There's more I need to say."
"No -- you don't have to, really --"
"Hush an' let me say it," he chuckled. "I am... so sorry, that I did that to you. If I could take it back, I would."
"You already apologized. It's okay. I forgave you and everything!"
"You're too nice to me." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. "I can tell you I'm sorry... I can tell you that I love you... that I'll never do it again... but that's just words. Why should you believe me? I don't blame you for--"
"I do believe you, okay? Can we just go now?"
She's all irritated... well, too bad... "Not yet. Let me finish, all right? I think you want to believe me, but it'll take time. I hope I can maybe... speed that along for you... ...shit, that makes it sound like... I don' know. I ain't tryin' to... put a band-aid on a big ol' gapin' wound or nothin'... though it prob'ly sounds that way... ...I prob'ly should've rehearsed somethin' before... before talkin' to you, like this..."
She looked a little confused. "It's okay. Neither of us really likes talking about this shit. You don't have to. I'm good!"
He ignored this. "What I'm tryin' to say is... I love you. And I don't ever wanna be apart from you again. You're real young still, but... we're havin' a baby, so I don't think that matters, so much... this ain't exactly how I imagined this would go down... any of it..."
"Joel, seriously... it's kinda painful to watch you--"
"All right, all right, just-- There's somethin' else I need to apologize for. The day Tommy... confronted us. I should've stood up for us more. I was lookin' at things all wrong. You know I've always felt... guilty, about the age difference... I don't expect that to just go away overnight, but I'll work on it. I promise. I'll work real hard. From now on... it really is you'n'me against the world. If people don't like it? They can go to hell." ...This ain't coming out romantic-sounding at ALL, but--
"I like the sound of that." And finally, a smile.
"Good. That's... real good, 'cause... all that is still just... words... but I want you to know I mean 'em. That I am committed to you. To us. And... maybe the baby is what prompted this whole thing, but... I love you. It don't matter that you're pregnant, as far as... how I feel about you. So whatever happens... I don't want you to worry, all right? I didn't think this would be happenin' quite so soon, but..." ...I already SAID all that. Shit, why is this so hard? It's just ELLIE...
Joel was surprised to find that he was nervous as hell. Palm-sweaty nervous, even. And he was still holding her hand. I don't think I'm supposed to be... no, I should be holding something else, which I don't HAVE, so... He let go of her hand and dropped to one knee, resting his hands awkwardly on the still-accessible knee. "I don't deserve you... God knows I don't... but, if you'll have me, I'll spend the rest of my life tryin' to. To be worthy of you."
She started to protest, but he wouldn't let her this time. HERE GOES-- "Ellie Williams, would you do me the honor... of becomin' my wife? Will you marry me?"
She just stared at him, dumbfounded.
After a few moments of awkward -- even tense -- silence, he wondered if she would feel more at ease if he kept talking. "I'm s'posed to have a ring for you, but I... obviously wasn't plannin' on this..." The couple at the wedding they'd attended last year had exchanged rings during the ceremony -- there was a stash of them somewhere, reserved for engaged or married couples. Even if the diamond wasn't real, he wanted to give her something. "I'll fix that. ...I'll fix anything that needs fixin', if you would just..."
She seemed on the verge of tears again. ...That's GOOD, I think? Except... Joel got the feeling they weren't happy tears.
Now he was really starting to get nervous.
"What do you say, kiddo? Don't leave me hangin' here... ... ...Unless... do you need time to think about it? Of course -- of course you do. All this... the baby and everything... happenin' so fast... You can take all the time you need. I ain't goin' nowhere."
A few tears escaped and Ellie covered her face with her hands. She still hadn't said a word. ...Should I get up now, or... maybe I should wait for her to say something?
But he found that he couldn't wait. He'd obviously botched this, and now he had to try to un-botch it and salvage what he could. "In case I wasn't clear -- this has got nothin' to do with the baby. I mean, it does... but it don't. I wanna marry you, regardless of... what happens with that." He couldn't quite bring himself to say "if we lose the baby," but surely she had to know that's what he meant... right?
Yet still she said nothing. And she looked utterly miserable, covering her face like that... like she'd rather be anywhere else right now.
Joel didn't know what else to say. He tried to inject some lightness into his tone. "Ellie... just... yes, no, or maybe? If you need time to decide, jus' say so. The suspense is killin' me here--"
"I can't do this anymore," she blurted, dropping her hands and looking at him with the most heartbreakingly sad expression he'd ever seen.
SHIT! "Am I puttin' too much pressure on you? ...Of course I am. I'm sorry." She's too young for this-- He rose to his feet. "Just forget I said--"
"I can't just forget that you-- just -- fuck... I can't..." She took a shaky breath. "I can't do this to you."
"...Do what to me?" She was really starting to scare him now. What else can I say to convince her that I--
"I can't marry you," she said, quietly but firmly. Looking him right in the eye. "I'm so sorry, Joel, but... the answer is no."
~Continue to Chapter 41~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,634
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title is from Romeo & Juliet, Act II, Scene VI
~
"Oh my God, Joel... fuck... fuuuuuuck... yes... yes! Jesus, Joel -- FUCK -- I'm gonna -- Ahhhhhh!"
Joel could listen to Ellie come a million more times and never get tired of it (despite the fact that her expressions of pleasure had to be at least somewhat exaggerated for his benefit). She always made sure to say his name a few times -- because she knew he liked that. Not that he ever really thought Ellie would be thinking of someone else while climaxing, just... you never know, I guess.
It was awfully convenient that he didn't have to pull out now. Ellie even reminded him, as if he might have forgotten (or perhaps in case force of habit took over). He kept thrusting, feeling close yet not quite ready to go over the edge... he asked her to rake her nails down his back, as hard as she could -- and that did the trick.
They'd finally moved into the 'jeep house,' since Ellie had begged him not to take her home yet; he had wanted to find a better house, but Ellie had convinced him it didn't smell that bad, and they could just open all the windows to air it out if he was so concerned about what she was breathing in. They hadn't actually decided if they were going home at all, truth be told. Joel was ninety-nine percent certain that they would -- he just had to convince Ellie that it would be best. Outside was no place for a pregnant woman.
'A pregnant woman'... that's Ellie... MY Ellie!
He was probably handling this all wrong. There was a chance that Ellie was not actually pregnant; home tests could give false positives. But for the most part, he thought they were pretty accurate, and between his 'men's intuition' and her womanly one... the symptoms she'd been having... the fact that he hadn't made it all the way out of her that one time, a short while back... Joel felt confident enough to base life decisions around it for the time being. They could confirm it at the clinic before doing anything as drastic as, say, moving to a new house. ...Granted, the clinic wasn't going to be a walk in the park, given the inherent scandal tied to her age, but they'd have to figure something out, because he wanted Ellie to have the best prenatal care possible. And of course, they still had Tommy and Maria to deal with. Joel wasn't looking forward to that, so Ellie hadn't had to twist his arm too much when she said she wanted to stay 'with the jeep' for a little while longer.
The past twenty-four hours had been such a whirlwind... he still couldn't believe everything that had gone down between him and Ellie. It was definitely a lot to navigate, emotionally.
He was certain he'd never seen Ellie this moody, either. One minute she was smiling and laughing, happy as hell... the next, she looked sad, withdrawn... even stricken, sometimes. What worried him more than that, however, was when she spaced out. It seemed to be some kind of coping mechanism she had: a way of turning off her feelings when they became too intense or painful for her. He'd seen her do it before. Could it just be raging hormones out of whack? ...Maybe. But Joel had a feeling he was the cause, and the guilt ate at him.
She also happened to be extremely horny. She had wanted to 'christen' every room in the house... Joel just hadn't had the stamina for that. He had to keep putting her off with promises of 'later'... he was too damn tired. They napped together -- or, rather he napped and Ellie relaxed. Ellie claimed to have slept a little, but she was awake when he fell asleep and awake when he woke up, so it couldn't have been all that much. She was far more interested in having sex than in talking, that was for sure. Every man's dream...
He supposed he should still feel guilty that he was robbing her of the chance to find a younger man who could keep up with her... well... HEALTHY APPETITE, I suppose you would call it. ...But he didn't. Not really. Because now he had the feeling once again that they were supposed to stay together -- and he hadn't felt that way since even before Tommy had busted them. He wasn't simply being selfish, giving in to his need to be with her. Now, he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be. Where he was needed most. It all made sense -- even though on the surface, of course, a fifty-year-old knocking up a sixteen-year-old made no damn sense whatsoever.
It don't matter -- what's done is done. And we LOVE each other, damnit. He was ready for this... they were ready for this. Only the logistics needed to be worked out.
On the 'appetite' front, he offered to help her out with his fingers, when his dick needed a breather -- and she always turned him down. She said from now on, she only wanted to come if he did as well. That one, he did feel a little guilty about, when he just wasn't up for it... but she didn't seem too put out by it (and he would continue to offer her alternatives).
He couldn't persuade her to eat very much, as she continued to have very little appetite when it came to actual food, but he did hound her to drink plenty of water. She had barely brought any with her -- only one thermos, no reserve. What she had planned on doing if she hadn't caught up to him, he had no idea. He liked to think she would've just gone back to Jackson to replenish her supplies and then perhaps taken a bit more care in packing for a longer trip, if she intended to look for him for days... weeks... the thought of it sure tugged at the old heartstrings. What if she'd worn herself out so much that she lost the baby? He was well aware that the body prioritized certain functions over others, when stressed in ways pertaining to survival.
He agreed they could -- and probably should -- spend the night there, at the jeep house. The area was relatively safe, as far as Outside places went, due to its proximity to Jackson, and the fact that this house was tucked in well off the highway and nestled among enough trees that no one would be able to see they were there unless they got up real close. No horse to hide for fear of it getting stolen... he'd closed the garage, of course, and taken the keys inside, so no one could steal the jeep. But while Ellie wanted to stay multiple days, Joel didn't think that was a good idea. She needed to eat more than apples, jerky sticks, and jam on bread (yes, he'd dipped into the Karma jar). He could perhaps go hunting, but she was loathe to let him out of her sight... even though she said she knew he wasn't going to leave her again. That suited him fine, seeing as how he also didn't like to lose sight of her himself (nature breaks aside, of course). He just didn't like the idea of her being Outside right now, period, and going hunting would be riskier than hiding out in the house.
It was early yet; the sun had set, but the sky was still aglow. The two naps he'd taken hadn't made up for the mere dozing he'd done the previous night, and he knew Ellie needed her rest, even if she claimed she wasn't tired, so they turned in early. He hoped the sex would take her mind off things enough to allow her to sleep. The way their 'pillow talk' started, though, it didn't seem like it had...
"If we go back to Jackson... what are we gonna say to Tommy and Maria? Can we just not tell them I'm pregnant?"
Joel had considered that, too. "We don' need to tell 'em right away. People do tend to wait a while to announce that. It'll give us time to... sort things out better." She was curled up against him, her head on his chest like always... him stroking her hair... the only thing different was the bed. There were no sheets, but they had enough of their own blankets -- one from the jeep, one Joel had brought, and a compact one from Ellie's bag that she claimed to have picked up on their last trip, although Joel couldn't remember laying eyes on it before.
"But you still promise we're going to live together."
"Yes. I'll figure somethin' out." They might be forced to announce the pregnancy if Tommy clung to his idea that Joel needed to stay away from her. And if he wanted to kick them out of town? Joel was counting on Tommy's conscience plaguing him on that one: would he really be so heartless as to throw a pregnant woman Out? He could try to kick Joel out and not Ellie, of course, but... well, Ellie had proven that she'd stop at nothing to come after him, now, hadn't she.
And she refused to tell him how she'd escaped. She would just smile impishly and say something vague like "I have my ways." He didn't push it.
"We should just live here," she was saying now. "It's close to town -- we could go up there and get food every few days -- and like, toothpaste and stuff, too -- whatever we need!"
"Uh-huh. I'm sure that would fly with my brother."
"Ugh... really don't want to see him again, Joel. He prob'ly hates me as much as I hate him now -- I was kind of obnoxious before I left."
"My sweet baby girl, obnoxious?" he teased. "Noooo. I don't believe it."
She giggled a little. "Totally obnoxious. But he fucking deserved it! He basically took you away from me."
"Hey -- I told you: don't blame Tommy for this. We both agreed that I'd be doin' what was best for you, by leavin' -- and he didn't know you were pregnant, either."
"Whatever. It's none of his fucking business. We are none of his business."
Joel sighed. "We're family. We all look out for each other. I don' know what's gonna happen when we get back, but I want you to be nice to him, all right? Things worked out just fine in the end."
When he thought about it, he still couldn't quite comprehend how he'd gotten from the mindset he had this morning to the one he had right now. Just those two little words... "I'm pregnant"... words he had hoped to never hear from her. Could there be any bigger sign from the universe that they were supposed to stay together? The timing of it was just... like something out of a movie, really. It didn't feel real.
He hadn't really had time to digest the whole... becoming-a-dad-again thing. The thought still scared him shitless, if he was honest with himself. Losing a child... it had to be the worst thing a human being could ever experience. Meeting Ellie had turned out to be a blessing, of course, but the more love he felt for her, the more the fear multiplied inside him until sometimes it damn near suffocated him. And now... he was signing up to double that amount? Was he crazy?!
The thing was... he didn't have a choice. It was a done deal. He had to make the best of it. He couldn't walk out on Ellie now. She'd been surprisingly reluctant to talk about the baby... about some of the changes they were going to need to make, assuming they could still live in Jackson. She would say things like... she didn't want to think about any of it yet, or couldn't they figure it out later. He figured she was overwhelmed by everything, and scared of what would happen when they got home. It was understandable.
He felt pretty damn lucky she wasn't furious with him. Not for getting her pregnant -- no, she seemed to take Joel's view on that: it was actually good that it happened when it did to keep Joel from making such a big mistake. It was that mistake that she should be furious about: leaving her, after promising that he never would. And why? To give her a 'better life' that might not even exist? Who could say for sure that she'd be happier without him in the long run? Their romance was still fairly new... there was still a chance it could run its course in due time. It could still turn to shit, as he'd apparently predicted. But Joel believed, now more than ever, that it wouldn't. Maybe the way they loved each other wasn't healthy, but by God, it worked for the two of them, didn't it? So what if they loved each other 'too much'?
As for that niggling voice in the back of his mind that worried "what will she do after I'm gone?" ... well, now he could finally talk back to it! I have to tell her--
"You still awake?" he murmured, as they'd fallen silent for a little while.
"Yep."
"Do you remember that day on the beach... shortly after we got there... you were still kind of depressed, askin' me--"
"I wasn't depressed," she protested. "Your magic cock cured me, remember?"
Joel snorted. "As I recall, the magic wore off pretty fast. But... fine. You were just... you still had your moods."
"...Don't we all?"
"Not like that. Those are out of character for you." Which was why Joel was concerned that he'd seen signs of that melancholy in her today, but hopefully it could be chalked up to the truly bizarre day they'd had -- starting off with him breaking her heart. "Anyhow... do you remember when you asked how you were supposed to live without me, an' you didn't like my answer... some shit about carryin' the love around in your heart..."
She snickered. "Some shit. Yes. So romantic."
"You know what I mean. I said it prettier, I'm sure. But you said that wasn't good enough. That you wouldn't be able to feel it anymore if I wasn't around to give it to you... or somethin' along those lines. Remember that?"
"...Yeah...?"
"And I told you I'd come up with somethin' else."
"Yeah... that's right... and you never did!"
"I never did. Until now." He squeezed her. "It is inside of you. Only this time... I mean that literally."
"...The baby." She lifted her head to look at him, even though it was so dark now they really couldn't see each other. "But Joel, I don't want the baby on my own -- I want it with you."
He kissed her forehead. "Of course. I plan on stickin' around an' raisin' it with you. I just mean... eventually, when I'm gone --"
"But you're not leaving."
"It jus' sounds a little nicer than sayin' I'm dead."
"Then say six feet under!" she suggested. "Remember?"
"However you wanna say it -- yes, given recent events, I reckon it's better if I clarify. Sorry." He gave her a quick kiss before tucking her head snugly under his chin. "My hope was that you would have a nice, full life, with lots of people who love you... and that would get you through it. But this is better than that. You'll be this kid's mother... he or she will never stop needin' your love. You'll be irreplaceable. It'll give you a damn good reason to get up every day an' keep on livin'."
She was quiet for a moment... and then she sniffled.
"Shit... I'm sorry... I keep makin' you cry..."
"But I still don't want you to die!"
"I'll... try not to?"
She crawled on top of him and kissed him deeply, just out of the blue, worming her hand down beneath the elastic of his sweat pants.
He broke the kiss, chuckling. "Whoa there... again?"
"Mmhmm..."
"I can't, baby girl. It's too soon."
"It's prob'ly been like twenty minutes..."
"Which ain't that long, especially when that was... uh... the third time today? ...and I'm worn out on top of it all."
"But you took a nap, so..."
"Still worn out." He shifted her off of him and tugged her hand up. "Why don't you... gimme a nice wake-up call in the mornin' instead, yeah?"
"Aww, can't I at least try and see what happens? What if you're wrong?" Her pout was practically audible.
"I s'pose I could be wrong... but I don't want you to have to work that hard. Plus, ain't it better to end the night on a high note? You'll feel bad if... nothin' happens."
"No I won't cuz you already told me what to expect."
Ellie was better about that than he'd anticipated at first (perhaps his multiple lectures on the subject had paid off)... but he felt like at least part of her still took it as a personal affront, if she 'failed' to get him hard. "Please... just wait 'til mornin'? He needs his rest. My hand, however... completely at your disposal." It was pretty clean, too, since he'd washed up a little before bed. He started sliding it southward... down to her ass...
"No, that's okay. Thanks anyway."
"It's all right. I know you feel like it makes you selfish, but... think of it as me makin' up for all my mistakes, if that helps..." He slid the hand over her thigh...
...And she tugged it up to hug it against his chest. "I'm good. Really. But thank you!"
Joel chuckled. "Well, you weren't good a second ago. You were rarin' to go."
"I'll just wait for ~him~ to get his rest."
"Mm. I see. Since when does my hand not get the job done?" he teased. "You've had some pretty good times with it, as I recall. It ain't good enough for you all of a sudden?"
"Nope! I'm spoiled now." She let out a big yawn. "Besides, I'm kinda tired too, so maybe your idea of waiting 'til morning is better."
"All right."
"And if you wake up first, just go ahead. I still really wanna wake up one of these days and find you inside of me!"
"Nope. Ain't gonna happen."
"I know you think it's rude but it's not! -- not when I'm telling you to do it!"
"Still rude. What if you slept through the whole thing? Too creepy."
"I wouldn't sleep through it! No way!" she laughed.
He didn't think she would, either, but he still didn't want to do it. "What about... if you feel sick? You know... mornin' sickness?"
"Um... ... I won't. Your magic cock cures that, too!"
...Maybe that's why she's so damn horny? It makes her feel good in more ways than one? Ha. Just... no. "Good night, baby girl," he said pointedly.
"Good night, Joel. I love you soooooo much."
"Love you, too."
"Don't let go of me all night, 'kay?"
"I'll do my best."
* * * * * * * *
Somehow, Ellie managed to convince Joel that they should stay at this house a whole extra day. He had tried to tell her there was no use stalling, that they needed to face reality at some point, and reality meant dealing with Tommy and Maria... and then possibly everyone else in Jackson. But she had turned those eyes on him, pleading for just one more day to wrap her head around everything, swearing she would be ready then. He had pointed out that it was cruel to let people worry about what had happened to her, and to waste time and energy searching for her, as he presumed they were... but she was surprisingly unmoved, saying things like "it's only for one day, they'll survive" and "I HOPE that asshole Tommy's worried sick!"
They had enough food... their bed was decent... but water was going to be a problem if they stretched this thing out too much longer. Joel had only brought roughly enough to get him to the well where Paul and Karma had been staying -- and that was rationed for him alone, not the two of them. The 'emergency' water wasn't going to last them much longer. Also, he hadn't brought the purifier... but even if he had, they would have to leave the house and go find a body of water in order for it to do any good. Which wouldn't be that big a deal in the jeep, he supposed, but it was stupid to drive even farther away from home when they really needed to be getting back. Ellie was pregnant -- she needed to be near a doctor.
And that had given him another idea...
On the morning they were getting ready to leave, he sat her on the couch and asked her how she felt about going to Idaho instead of Jackson.
"To the medical center, you mean. Right?"
He could see she wasn't thrilled at the prospect. "Right. There's no real doctors in Jackson."
"No, we have one now... remember? That one chick came down to work in the clinic. Like, permanently."
"She ain't a real doctor, though. She's too young."
Ellie groaned. "You're still soooooo ageist. She's in her thirties! Or is it cuz it's a woman? Is it a sexist thing?"
"That's right -- I forgot, I'm also a sexist pig," he said lightly. "No, I don't mean she's too young to do a good job. But she didn't go to medical school. Didn't even finish high school."
"That's not her fault!"
"Ain't sayin' that it is. Just that she won't know as much as someone who was a real doctor back in the day. Plus, they didn't bring a whole bunch of high tech equipment down here. Jus' some drugs an' shit." And pregnancy tests, apparently.
"Okay, so... you wanna go live up in Idaho for the next eight and a half months, which is when I'll actually need a doctor?"
Joel chuckled. "You're s'posed to get checked out sooner than that. Every month, I think."
"Maria didn't."
"That was before. I bet she did later on, once that new girl came down and all."
"The new girl doctor is Aiyana." She smiled. "You're never going to remember that name. I think it's pretty."
"Add that one to the girl list?" They hadn't discussed names much; Ellie just wasn't into it. Probably because it was so early.
"A name you won't remember? Not a good idea," she chuckled.
"I'd remember it if it's my daughter's name. Shit, I ain't that bad. But you know what? I heard they have ultrasound machines up there. Once you're far enough along, we could find out if it's a boy or a girl an' save ourselves the trouble of thinkin' up names for both. Would you like that? Or would you rather be surprised when it's born?"
She shrugged. "Whatever. So... if we go, how long would it take to get there?"
Joel had expected a little more enthusiasm, or at least curiosity, about the ultrasound. Whether she wanted to know the gender or not, he wanted her to have one anyway... to make sure everything looked good with the baby's development. "Uh... not sure. Obviously it helps havin' the jeep... but we might wanna go the long way around. I'd still rather not advertise that we have it, and the roads between there an' Jackson are more well-traveled now."
"Okay but if you had to guess?"
"I'd need to look at the atlas, but... I don' know... even considerin' that we'd have to stash the jeep somewhere outside of town, we could prob'ly get there by end of day?"
"Oh is that all?" She sounded disappointed.
"They might wonder why we walked instead of takin' a horse, though. Guess we could say we hitched the horse somewhere before we found the place an' hope they forget about it after--" Then he remembered something. "Never mind. Maria had to stop ridin' when she was pregnant. I don't remember how far along she was at the time, but we could be playin' it real safe." Something about the jostling motion, he assumed. Or maybe just because a fall, while dangerous in itself, could be catastrophic for the baby. Ellie was a good rider, but a horse could get spooked, or maybe if she felt sick and lost her balance... she did say she'd felt dizzy before... hell, she could be sitting right behind him and slide off before he even realized what was happening. "And you know what? We are gonna play it real safe. There's no need for you to get on a horse from now on."
"Yes, Dr. Joel," she said dully.
...Is she playing, or is she really annoyed? "It's too dangerous. I ain't just bein' overprotective here--"
"No, I get it... it's fine." She smiled weakly. "Thanks."
He studied her for a long moment... took in her body language. The way she was kind of... letting the couch swallow her up? The sadness in her eyes that the fake smile couldn't hide. "What's wrong, kiddo? Talk to me."
"Nothing!" she sighed. "You can't keep asking me that. It's... the hormones and stuff, like you said. That's all."
Joel wasn't so sure that's all it was anymore. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I can help--"
"I just told you it's nothing!" she snapped. "So-- okay, if we went to the hospital... I dunno, Joel. It's a hospital. Or close enough to being one that we all think of it like that. What if they see my bite?"
Joel had thought about that already; it was a concern, but he felt the benefits outweighed the risks. "If they wanna draw blood, or... take your blood pressure or somethin'... we'll make sure they use the other arm. Maybe we can find you a wrist brace somewhere. Then you wouldn't have to worry about it. They could even use that arm, long as you don't take it off."
"A brace? Like... that I would just wear every time? Wouldn't they think that's weird?"
"Maybe. They might wanna look at your hand, if it's hurtin' you enough that you have to wear a brace, so that might be risky, too... it would look suspicious if we say no... I'm just thinkin' out loud here."
"...Yeah, me too... like... what if they take my blood, and they test it, and they come back and say I'm infected and they have to kill me?"
The thought had crossed Joel's mind before -- prior to the pregnancy, even, just in general, thinking about if Ellie ever needed any kind of procedure done. "They don't have that capability in Jackson, according to Tommy. Now, I don' know if things are different in Idaho... with the better equipment an' whatnot... an actual lab to do tests, all that... or if your blood might still look different to 'em somehow. But I would be with you the whole time... and I promise you, I wouldn't let any of 'em hurt you." Maybe it WOULD be better to just skip anything involving bloodwork...
"Great. So you'd kill off more doctors -- more innocent people -- just to -- ugh, of course you would. You did it before, you'd do it again." She glared at him.
He didn't want to get into all that again with her; he thought she'd forgiven him by now, but he supposed there would always be some resentment there, regardless. "Or... we could just forget the blood. Tell 'em you're deathly afraid of needles or somethin'. I don' know. They can still check you out... do the ultrasounds, the measurements... make sure the baby looks good... that it's growin' the way it's s'posed to..."
She shook her head. "No. No way. I'm not going near a hospital. Let's just go home. I'm sure Jackson's stuff is good enough. And if it's not... well, I'm prob'ly gonna lose the baby anyways, right? I mean... doesn't that happen all the time?"
Again, she'd surprised him. Especially her tone. She sounded... cold. Unfeeling. Maybe THAT'S the problem here... she doesn't wanna let herself get too attached to this baby because she's scared she'll lose it? "No. Not all the time. Not even most of the time," he assured her.
"Are you sure, cuz... I heard it's something like... eighty percent," she mumbled, eyes downcast.
"Eighty percent that don't make it? ...Where did you hear that?"
She shrugged. Started playing with her hands, weaving her fingers together, cracking her knuckles... just... being real fidgety. Maybe from anxiety? Although he got the sense that she was lying. If she was, he didn't understand why.
Maybe she just needed some reassurance. "Well, I don't think that's right. Maybe it's higher nowadays than it used to be, but... no one could know that for sure. They don't keep track of statistics like that anymore. Or... if they do, the data's gotta be real skewed, 'cause a lot of folks are livin' off the grid now -- flyin' under the radar. Everyone not in a QZ would be unaccounted for, in studies like that." He wondered if that would be changing in Jackson some time soon... if the military did indeed intend to take it over eventually, and all signs pointed that way, from what Joel could see. He wasn't sure what that might mean for Ellie and him... but he had more immediate things to worry about first. Like convincing Ellie to think more positively. "Hey. No matter what the real percentage is, that ain't gonna happen to us, all right? We're gonna take precautions, an' make sure you get the proper--"
"It could still happen, though, even if we do everything right. It's happened to people in Jackson before."
He scooted closer to her and took one of her fidgety hands in his. Her palm is all sweaty... "Ellie, look at me." He waited for her to look up. "Is there a possibility? Sure. I can't tell you there ain't. But you've gotta just... try not to dwell on that, all right? It ain't good for you or the baby. You know what a self-fulfillin' prophecy is?"
"...Um... I think so... if you believe something bad's going to happen so much that you like... make it happen because you're thinking it?"
"Somethin' like that. If you wanna hold off on things like... thinkin' about names, or... stuff that takes place after it's born... that's fine. But don't just... assume that you're gonna--"
"Okay!" she cut him off and... flung her arms around his neck. Surprising him yet again. "I'm sorry! I don't mean to be like... I don't wanna make anything happen that... fuck, I wish it could be the opposite -- if I want something so bad that it just comes true cuz I'm wishing for it? Why can't it be like that?"
She sounded tearful, which probably explained the sudden hug -- she still didn't like crying in front of him. He tried to gently push her back enough to talk to her face to face anyhow, but she wasn't having it. She clung to him more tightly, sniffling into his shoulder, so he just held her close. Rocked her a little. "Maybe it can be like that. There is... nothin', so far, to make me think there's anything wrong with this pregnancy." Not that he would know exactly what would make him think so... just... if she was having bad cramps, or... blood in her underwear, I guess? We're good there... "Just keep thinkin' that we're gonna have a healthy, strong--"
"Joel, shut up, okay? Can you just... not?" she asked softly.
Maybe she just needs a good cry? "All right. I've got you. Let it out. It's okay..."
He kept soothing her, but she didn't get beyond the sniffling stage. She wanted to be held, she didn't want to look at him... and she also didn't seem to want to cry. Eventually the sniffling subsided. She remained quiet for a little while, and Joel wondered if he was rocking her to sleep when she finally muttered something that sounded like "sorry."
"You okay now?" he asked her gently.
"Yeah." And still, she didn't pull back. "Just... um... you would be upset if I lost the baby. Wouldn't you."
"Of course." What a strange... non-question.
"I mean you'd be like... you know. Sad and everything?"
"Yes, of course," he repeated. "I'd be... real sad."
She started to pull away then, apparently satisfied with that answer. He kissed her temple when she lifted her head, and he tried to tilt her chin up, but then she... she's unbuckling my belt?! "Ellie, we really oughta get goin'."
"No! Not yet. We haven't had sex today!" She kissed him eagerly while her hands fumbled around with his fly.
She said it all... sensible-like. The way a person might say they can't leave because they haven't had breakfast yet. "What does that--"
"Sssshhhh -- Joel -- I want you --"
...And so they had sex yet again.
Joel protested, but... she just wasn't hearing him. Or maybe she just didn't care. It was... downright bizarre.
Sure, the pregnancy hormones on top of the teenage hormones must be... a force to contend with. But she was so... ...so desperate, each time. She wasn't even reaching orgasm, some of the time, and the times she did... well, he couldn't be certain she wasn't faking it. He did what he could to make it more pleasurable for her -- he tried to touch her, kiss her... but she didn't want him to go slow. She wanted it fast and hard... she just seemed to want him to come as soon as possible. Almost like she wanted it over with. Which might make sense, since she apparently wasn't that aroused, except that she was the one who kept initiating it -- she was the one setting the pace. And this time, she'd been... he didn't want to say violent, but...
Yes. That was what it had felt like. There was no better word.
She finished doing up her jeans and sat beside him to put her shoes back on. "I'm ready to go now," she said, glancing at him.
"Well... I ain't." He hadn't moved an inch since she'd climbed off of him. I really need to get to the bottom of this.
"Did I wear you out so early in the day?" she teased. "Hopefully by lunchtime you'll be--"
"Ellie, knock it off. This has to stop."
"I did wear you out!" she smirked.
"I'm serious. Are you... still angry with me? About the other day?" That sounded nicer than saying--
"About you leaving me, you mean? Why would I be mad?" She didn't sound mad -- just sarcastic. "You can tuck yourself back in now. I won't make you go again so soon."
Joel snorted. "I know it's a big joke to you, but you really... was that even enjoyable for you?"
"Of course! Duh -- it's always--"
"Well, it wasn't for me," he cut in. "And I really don't see how it could've been for you, either. You were dry as a bone."
That comment was finally enough to give her pause. "You... didn't like it?"
"No. Why do you think I was suggestin' we oughta stop?"
"But... you got hard, so--"
"At this point, I honestly don't even know how that happened. He just likes you too much, I reckon. Too much for his own damn good." Joel finally started 'tucking himself back in.' "I'm tellin' you, he needs a breather. He's gonna be sore for awhile. You'll have to make do with my--"
"It hurt? Is that what you're telling me?"
She seemed surprised, but Joel figured she had to be sore as well. Maybe even more so. "I just wanna know what's goin' on with you. What's goin' through that pretty head of yours." He drew her to his side.
She looked at him sadly... contritely. "I'm so sorry... why didn't you tell me I was hurting you?"
"Oh good, at least you weren't doin' it on purpose," he said lightly.
"Of course I wasn't! You didn't answer the question -- why didn't you say something?" She reached up to cup his cheek and stroke his beard with her thumb, the gentle caress a stark contrast to all the grabbing and groping she'd been doing of late.
He turned his head to kiss her palm. "I don' know. You didn't wanna stop, so I just figured I'd--"
"But I would have if you told me that!" she cried.
"All right. It ain't that big a deal. I was just givin' you a heads up that I--"
"It is a big deal! How many times has it hurt and you haven't said anything?!"
Joel could think of only one other time -- just yesterday, and it hadn't been as bad as this. He'd felt some discomfort, and hadn't found the sex all that pleasurable, but he didn't want to hurt Ellie's feelings. Then or now. "Only this time," he fibbed.
"Took you a second to answer so I'm thinking that's a lie," she said crossly.
"You didn't put him out of commission the other time so it wasn't--"
"God, I'm a horrible person -- I'm soooooo sorry I did that to you!" she wailed.
"Calm down, baby girl. I told you -- it ain't that big a--"
"Yes it fucking is! You're always asking me if I'm okay... er, maybe not so much the last... uh... few times, when I was all... -but in the beginning. Remember how you kept telling me to let you know if I ever felt uncomfortable, or if something hurt --"
"You already know I'm a goddamn hypocrite."
"But... fuck, Joel! You should've pushed me off you or something. Promise me you'll tell me next time! If you even want there to be a next time. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, after that."
He pulled her in closer and gave her a sweet little kiss. "Stop. Of course I do. I love you."
She was blinking back tears again. "Okay," she whispered. "But promise me."
"I promise." He would just make sure it didn't get to that point. If he had said something earlier, he could have prevented it from escalating this far. I don't think we'll get there again. But I still don't know WHY she was being that way... "I just wish you would talk to me. Can you tell me why you're bein' so... ..." ...Aggressive? Rough? No, neither of those quite covers it...
But she seemed to know what he meant. "It's hormones, I guess? I dunno... maybe cuz like... in the jeep. Yeah! That was awesome. I must've got it in my head that we should keep doing it that way? -Wait -- you liked that too, didn't you?"
"Yes. Don't worry." It sounded like Ellie didn't really know the reason. That she was just grasping at straws, trying to figure it out herself. Maybe it didn't necessarily indicate some huge problem that needed fixing. ...Or am I being lazy now? Shit, these last few days...
"Joel, I swear to you -- I didn't even know it could hurt, if you're a guy. Is that stupid?"
He chuckled. " 'Course not. How would you know?"
"Well, obviously it hurts when you get kicked there. That's like... every man's worst fear, right?"
"It... ranks pretty high up there. Sure. But this wasn't anywhere near as bad as that, all right? Don't feel bad." It was sweet of her to worry, though. He kissed her forehead.
"Do your balls hurt, too? Or just your dick?"
"Uh... the whole package, I guess."
She winced. "Sorry. I'm such an asshole!"
"No you ain't," he chuckled. "Let's just do it nice an' easy next time, yeah?"
"And when's that gonna be? Tonight?" she asked eagerly.
Damn, girl-- "Tonight? Oh no. I'm done for today." Whether that was technically true or not, he was just done.
"But I wanna make it up to you," she pouted.
"There's other ways you can do that."
"Okay! Name it and I'll do it!"
"Well... a nice hot bath would be nice. We could jus' soak in the tub together. Sound good?"
"Sounds like that's as much for me as it is for you," she complained, but she was smiling. "If we even... get to be in the same house?"
Joel sighed. "Yeah, I don' know what's gonna happen with my goddamn brother. Pretty sure we're gonna have to tell him you're pregnant."
She scowled. "Motherfucker. He doesn't deserve to know."
"Ellie--"
"I know you said to be nice to him, but fuck him! This was all his fault."
"Ultimately, it was mine. I made a mistake. And I won't make it again. If he's gonna try an' say that we can't live together... how 'bout this: then we go to Idaho."
"I really don't wanna go there," she protested. "I'd rather go find Paul and Karma instead. We wouldn't have to tell them anything -- I won't get fat for a long time, right? And even when I do, I could probably hide it for a while... maybe I'll suddenly take a liking to wearing your clothes all the time?"
"Cute." That was another option. Joel just didn't like the thought of Ellie not being near a doctor... not having adequate meals consistently... not being as safe as she would be Inside. "Or maybe we go to California. Kiss'n'make up with Golden Sands."
She considered this. "Yeah... maybe we could do that... has it been long enough, though, you think?"
"Don' know. I think we'd have to be real careful." The more he thought about it, the more Joel didn't like the idea. There were no doctors there, either, and although they would be pretty safe from the world at large, word could always get back to that army base somehow -- if they were even still in 'business' with them after everything that had happened. He and Ellie could perhaps lay low there, but they'd be trusting their fate to twenty-two other people. If just one of them was sympathetic to the soldiers... "No, I don't like that idea after all. Never mind. First things first -- we go back to Jackson. We can sort things out there. You ready now?"
She said that she was... but she had this air of misery about her. Joel had seen her weather dark days before -- had seen her so despondent that she didn't seem to care about anything. This definitely wasn't that... yet it was also worse, somehow. He just couldn't understand it, and he didn't know how to help her.
* * * * * * *
Joel would have driven Ellie right up to the gate if he could have, but the goddamn jeep was still a possible source of trouble. He drove as close as he dared to Jackson, which was still about half a mile away. A little too close for comfort with patrols ranging out farther than that, at least some of the time... but if they could find another garage or something to conceal it, they could probably get away with it. They were probably going to have to just let it go to rot, like all the other cars around. No more Sunday joyrides. Joel didn't want Ellie to be Outside at all, for any reason, and even though those excursions probably weren't that risky, they were just plain unnecessary. Everything was different, now that she was pregnant. But he still didn't like the idea of 'wasting' the jeep, and thought it would be nice to go visit Paul and Karma... bring them some food, maybe some other stuff... and then leave it with them. They could keep it hidden somewhere when it wasn't needed, and he'd make sure to explain the possible risks to Paul -- but truthfully, Paul could just say he'd found it, and the military would have no reason not to believe him. He and Karma wouldn't fit the description of the thieves they were searching for. Of course, one of the soldiers could still get trigger-happy or something...
Shit. Maybe the best thing to do is just leave it near a highway somewhere, NO mud covering the paint, and maybe a helicopter will spot it someday. Whenever the military happened to find it, they could plan on recovering it, fixing whatever needed fixing -- and they could assume that he and Ellie were either dead or long gone. Case closed.
But he wouldn't want to leave it too close to Jackson. He could make it look like they'd been headed in that direction... like they'd never made it there. Then make the long trek back on foot. It would have to be far enough out that it would take at least a few days to return, if not farther -- and he couldn't bring Ellie along for that now. She could argue all she wanted that she wasn't suddenly helpless, but she was more vulnerable -- or, rather, the baby was. She might be strong enough to endure or overcome certain things, but the baby might not be. No, he would have to leave her again... and would she believe that he was planning on coming right back this time?
He could figure something out later. For the time being, they were going to hide the jeep real close by, and walk the rest of the way to the gate. "What about that barn back there?" Ellie suggested, pointing to their left.
"That's prob'ly good enough." He swung the jeep off the road into the field, and slowed it way down for Ellie's sake; he was afraid that the jostling motion might be similar to that of a horse.
"I think we can go a little bit faster than snail pace..."
"It's a bit rough out here, is all."
"Are you gonna carry me the rest of the way back, too?" she teased.
"I think walkin' would be easier on you, actually." Less jostl-y.
She rolled her eyes. "I was just kidding!"
"I know."
After they parked the jeep inside the barn and retrieved all their shit out of it, Ellie said she had to pee "and possibly puke." Naturally, she didn't want to do either of those things in front of him (he had held her hair for her while she puked that one time last summer, but she said it was way too gross and embarrassing). He tried to send her out into the fields where she'd be far enough away for privacy, yet still in his eyesight... she hadn't liked the idea, though, and wanted to just go behind the barn instead while he waited in front of it. He reluctantly agreed.
He thought he'd still be able to hear her, from where he was at... but he heard nothing. ...Don't PANIC, goddamnit... you already scoped the place out and it's clean. The farmhouse across the way was all boarded up... clearly abandoned, no hunters or Infected or any other riff raff hanging about. Even if someone were to nonsensically come bursting through one of the boarded-up windows, he was on that side, not her.
...But still.
... ...Godddamnit.
Minutes ticked by painfully slowly. He had to stop himself from going after her no less than ten times.
And on that tenth time, it finally hit him: what an idiot I've been!
He suddenly realized why Ellie had been acting strangely -- it wasn't strange at all, actually. It made perfect sense.
When she finally came back around the corner, he smiled. And it was a big goofy grin, he was sure, because he was so overcome with this... revelation, about her... about the two of them...
Ellie stopped walking well before she reached him, clearly taken aback by his expression. "What's so funny? Do I have puke on my shirt or something?"
He chuckled. "No... did you get sick, then?"
"A little. I drank some water... but I'm gonna have to start carrying mint around, I guess. Do you have some in your bag? Did you bring any?"
"Forget the mint. Ellie... I..." ...suddenly don't know what to say?
Her eyes widened. "What is it?"
"Come an' sit. Sit down... I guess back in the jeep? Shit, we just can't seem to get away from--"
"No -- just tell me!"
He closed the gap between them and took her hands in his. "Relax -- it's nothin' bad. It's... the opposite, actually."
"O... kay?"
"I know why you've been actin' like... -all the sex. It's got nothin' to do with sex."
Despite the fact that he'd just told her this was nothing bad, Ellie blanched. "It doesn't?"
"Nope." He pulled her in closer and put his arms around her... though he wanted to look her in the eye, so he didn't hug her to his chest. "It's 'cause of what I did to you. It only hit me just now... how wrong it was. How... traumatic. Just... disappearin' like that, lettin' you wake up to find me... not there... I think you maybe went into survival mode. There's prob'ly a better word for it--"
"No, that's pretty accurate," she said. She looked a little less pale... a little more at ease.
"Right. That shit gets into your subconscious. Especially 'cause... you came all the way out here an' found me, and I still... I just hurt you more. And the thing that made me come around? Was you tellin' me you're pregnant. When I think about it, your libido seems to kick into overdrive right after you've been upset. Scared of losin' the baby, or losin' me... thinkin' those two things might be related... it don't take a shrink to figure out that you were cravin' the closeness -- the emotional part of sex. But your brain still ain't convinced you can trust me, so... at the same time, you're keepin' your distance. It's like a... a self defense mechanism. The sex... it ain't gettin' the job done, to your brain's satisfaction, but your heart won't let it be anything besides this... this..." He was at a loss as to how to categorize the strange intercourse they'd had that morning -- it didn't even rank up there with mere fucking, in Joel's book. "Whatever that was, last time. It's like you don't wanna let me all the way back in, so you're in this cycle of... ...well, it ain't good. ...How am I doin' so far?"
She seemed to be a little squirmy... a bit more uncomfortable with the conversation now. "I dunno about all that..."
"Let's go sit down. Come on." He put his arm around her shoulders and walked her back inside the barn. "Right here." He didn't let her climb into the jeep, though. He turned her toward him and hoisted her into the seat, so that she was facing him, her legs dangling over the side.
"Aren't you gonna sit, too?" she asked.
"Nope." He dropped a kiss on top of her head and stood back to look at her, running his hands down her arms... lingering close enough to touch her. "There's more I need to say."
"No -- you don't have to, really --"
"Hush an' let me say it," he chuckled. "I am... so sorry, that I did that to you. If I could take it back, I would."
"You already apologized. It's okay. I forgave you and everything!"
"You're too nice to me." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. "I can tell you I'm sorry... I can tell you that I love you... that I'll never do it again... but that's just words. Why should you believe me? I don't blame you for--"
"I do believe you, okay? Can we just go now?"
She's all irritated... well, too bad... "Not yet. Let me finish, all right? I think you want to believe me, but it'll take time. I hope I can maybe... speed that along for you... ...shit, that makes it sound like... I don' know. I ain't tryin' to... put a band-aid on a big ol' gapin' wound or nothin'... though it prob'ly sounds that way... ...I prob'ly should've rehearsed somethin' before... before talkin' to you, like this..."
She looked a little confused. "It's okay. Neither of us really likes talking about this shit. You don't have to. I'm good!"
He ignored this. "What I'm tryin' to say is... I love you. And I don't ever wanna be apart from you again. You're real young still, but... we're havin' a baby, so I don't think that matters, so much... this ain't exactly how I imagined this would go down... any of it..."
"Joel, seriously... it's kinda painful to watch you--"
"All right, all right, just-- There's somethin' else I need to apologize for. The day Tommy... confronted us. I should've stood up for us more. I was lookin' at things all wrong. You know I've always felt... guilty, about the age difference... I don't expect that to just go away overnight, but I'll work on it. I promise. I'll work real hard. From now on... it really is you'n'me against the world. If people don't like it? They can go to hell." ...This ain't coming out romantic-sounding at ALL, but--
"I like the sound of that." And finally, a smile.
"Good. That's... real good, 'cause... all that is still just... words... but I want you to know I mean 'em. That I am committed to you. To us. And... maybe the baby is what prompted this whole thing, but... I love you. It don't matter that you're pregnant, as far as... how I feel about you. So whatever happens... I don't want you to worry, all right? I didn't think this would be happenin' quite so soon, but..." ...I already SAID all that. Shit, why is this so hard? It's just ELLIE...
Joel was surprised to find that he was nervous as hell. Palm-sweaty nervous, even. And he was still holding her hand. I don't think I'm supposed to be... no, I should be holding something else, which I don't HAVE, so... He let go of her hand and dropped to one knee, resting his hands awkwardly on the still-accessible knee. "I don't deserve you... God knows I don't... but, if you'll have me, I'll spend the rest of my life tryin' to. To be worthy of you."
She started to protest, but he wouldn't let her this time. HERE GOES-- "Ellie Williams, would you do me the honor... of becomin' my wife? Will you marry me?"
She just stared at him, dumbfounded.
After a few moments of awkward -- even tense -- silence, he wondered if she would feel more at ease if he kept talking. "I'm s'posed to have a ring for you, but I... obviously wasn't plannin' on this..." The couple at the wedding they'd attended last year had exchanged rings during the ceremony -- there was a stash of them somewhere, reserved for engaged or married couples. Even if the diamond wasn't real, he wanted to give her something. "I'll fix that. ...I'll fix anything that needs fixin', if you would just..."
She seemed on the verge of tears again. ...That's GOOD, I think? Except... Joel got the feeling they weren't happy tears.
Now he was really starting to get nervous.
"What do you say, kiddo? Don't leave me hangin' here... ... ...Unless... do you need time to think about it? Of course -- of course you do. All this... the baby and everything... happenin' so fast... You can take all the time you need. I ain't goin' nowhere."
A few tears escaped and Ellie covered her face with her hands. She still hadn't said a word. ...Should I get up now, or... maybe I should wait for her to say something?
But he found that he couldn't wait. He'd obviously botched this, and now he had to try to un-botch it and salvage what he could. "In case I wasn't clear -- this has got nothin' to do with the baby. I mean, it does... but it don't. I wanna marry you, regardless of... what happens with that." He couldn't quite bring himself to say "if we lose the baby," but surely she had to know that's what he meant... right?
Yet still she said nothing. And she looked utterly miserable, covering her face like that... like she'd rather be anywhere else right now.
Joel didn't know what else to say. He tried to inject some lightness into his tone. "Ellie... just... yes, no, or maybe? If you need time to decide, jus' say so. The suspense is killin' me here--"
"I can't do this anymore," she blurted, dropping her hands and looking at him with the most heartbreakingly sad expression he'd ever seen.
SHIT! "Am I puttin' too much pressure on you? ...Of course I am. I'm sorry." She's too young for this-- He rose to his feet. "Just forget I said--"
"I can't just forget that you-- just -- fuck... I can't..." She took a shaky breath. "I can't do this to you."
"...Do what to me?" She was really starting to scare him now. What else can I say to convince her that I--
"I can't marry you," she said, quietly but firmly. Looking him right in the eye. "I'm so sorry, Joel, but... the answer is no."
~Continue to Chapter 41~