"Singularity" Chapter 36: "Somewhere Between ‘I Love You’ and ‘I’m Leavin’" [36/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 36: "Somewhere Between ‘I Love You’ and ‘I’m Leavin’" [36/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 10,566
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
"...you're the only thing on Earth that I believe in
And I'm somewhere between 'I love you' and 'I'm leavin'...' "
~Cody Jinks
At least Tommy had opted to tell Maria in private. Perhaps to spare everyone the drama of her reaction... or maybe for his own reasons.
Joel had accidentally caught a bit of an argument between the two of them about the new living arrangements: Maria only wanted Ellie to stay, not Joel. Joel had made his presence known at that point, and subsequently offered to make himself as scarce as possible, but Tommy wasn't having it. He said he "needed to keep a close eye" on Joel. Maria had eventually capitulated... and Joel planned on staying the hell out of her way. He wouldn't have been surprised if a second sucker punch had come his way that day, but she seemed content to hit him with cold looks of utter contempt instead.
Dinner that night had been an awkward affair, even with the subject of his and Ellie's relationship declared temporarily off limits (in the interest of everyone making it through the meal... not that anyone ate with much gusto). Ellie, whose own private talk with Maria clearly hadn't gone very well, had been sullen and withdrawn, and her mood tended to have a way of infecting them all, good or bad. Maria hadn't yet given Joel a piece of her mind on his crimes against Ellie... but her cordiality felt forced and hollow, and those accusatory looks she shot him made her opinion plain enough.
It wasn't easy convincing Ellie to go watch "some dumb movie" that night, but they managed it -- only after Tommy swore to her on Grayson's life that he wouldn't lay a hand on Joel. Joel reckoned he'd gotten that little itch out of his system earlier -- violence really was not Tommy's style, even in this day and age -- but Ellie made him swear anyhow. Now that she was out of the house and Maria was upstairs bathing the baby, Tommy and Joel could have the "man to man" talk that Tommy desired. Without Ellie there to serve as buffer, Joel expected Tommy to really lay into him -- not physically, but verbally. And the verbal barrage would probably be far more painful. Joel could defend himself up to a point: he wasn't a predator (at least in the traditional sense), he wasn't just using Ellie for sex or to stroke his ego, etcetera. But he didn't expect Tommy to dwell much on those concepts. Nope, he'll go right for the jugular: things I know to be true that I've been too selfish or too much of a coward to fix.
They were seated in the living room, Tommy on the big sofa and Joel on the loveseat, far enough apart that if Tommy did decide, promise or no promise, to launch himself at Joel and strangle him, Joel could react accordingly. They stared at each other for probably half a minute before Tommy found his words. "I gotta ask you... were you thinkin' long term, at all... when you started this... business with her?"
Yep, that's what we are: entrepreneurs, starting our own business together... Joel wasn't going to be a smartass, though. "Surprised you're givin' me any credit for thinkin', period." (...Maybe just a little bit of a smartass.)
"Awfully generous of me, I know. But no, I don't think you thought it through. You could've come to me an' told me you were strugglin', we could've worked somethin' out... but you didn't. You just... kept doin' the wrong thing. I think that... you got caught up in the moment. Gave in to this... vile lust you feel for this young girl... and once you got goin', you thought you'd best just keep on goin'. No lookin' back. Am I right?"
He thinks I should've asked him for HELP? Oh, Tommy would have just loved for Joel to seek his wisdom on how to get a handle on his... inappropriate feelings and whatnot. Christ. ...But... much as the idea pains me, maybe that's what I should have done. And Tommy had offered to take Ellie in a while back, to allow her to get over her little 'crush' on Joel -- it was too late by then, but perhaps not irreparably so. Of course, Joel was far too selfish to entertain 'solutions' like that. Ones that involved separating himself from Ellie... who literally was his better half (corny as that expression was, it rang true).
It took him a moment to remember that he actually had to answer his brother's questions now instead of just sitting back and letting Ellie rant and rage. Or, if not answer them, at least engage in conversation. Joel didn't feel like answering the question posed, so-- "What's the point of this, Tommy? No matter what I say, you're gonna jus' sit there an' judge me. You got somethin' to get off your chest, go right on ahead."
Tommy shook his head. "I just wanna understand what happened. I want us to have an open an' honest dialogue about it. Without havin' to sugarcoat things or omit things so as not to upset Ellie. I really do wanna know... I mean, if you were fightin' your feelin's, you must've known they were wrong, so... what changed?"
Of course he knew they were wrong. At least he's giving me SOME credit. Joel sighed. "I don' know, all right? You think I don't ask myself the same damn thing? You wanna pyschoanalyze me... I can't even tell you the answers to some of this shit 'cause I don' know 'em myself." It sounded like a cop out, but it was the truth.
"Just... can you at least try? At some point, you must've decided it was okay. How did you get there?" At least Tommy sounded more curious than accusatory now.
Can I really explain it so that he GETS it? ...No. There would be no ~winning him over~. The best Joel could hope for was... what? Compassion? Here we go-- "Well... as you may recall, I was worried about Ellie bein' with other boys, when we first got here. She's naïve... she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt... I didn't want her gettin' herself into trouble." He paused, but Tommy didn't fire back any snarky remarks, so he continued. "I wasn't thinkin' about... bein' with her, that way... I really wasn't. But after she... ...when I started considerin' it as a real possibility -- me'n'her? -- I guess I reckoned if she was with me, instead of some little punk, then I wouldn't have to worry about her gettin' herself into any... bad situations, in that regard. You're gonna say it's ironic -- go on, say it --" But Tommy just indicated for him to continue. "That was one justification I had in my head: at least she's with a man who loves her and ain't gonna try an' mess with her head... or get her in bed and dump her the next day. Shit like that -- or worse, of course. It made it seem... not so bad, me bein' with her. Now, I know you're gonna say I am messin' with her head--"
"Quit worryin' about what I'm gonna say," Tommy advised.
"I can't, though. Because whatever you're thinkin' right now... believe me. It's already crossed my mind. How can I think no one else is good enough for her but me, when I ain't nowhere near good enough myself? But... she's the one thing that I... I am good with her. I've gotten to know her real good, past couple of years. I know what she needs... and I can give it to her. I know when she's happy an' when she ain't... I know when she's tryin' to say or do what she thinks I want, instead of bein' her genuine self." This wasn't necessarily true one hundred percent of the time, but enough that he could make the claim to Tommy. "I really felt like... why shouldn't it be me, then... as long as I'm the one she wants? Things ain't like they were in 2013. She won't be goin' off to college, meetin' a bunch of new people, havin' all kinds of new experiences... livin' a life totally different from mine, with my job an' the mortgage an' whatnot... it ain't like that at all. When we're Outside, our primary focus is survival. And here in town... we have the same life. We both go to work. We have the same leisure activities -- I mean... with some variations, the entire town does -- not a lot of options as far as where to go an' what to do. At least not like it was back in the day. So the age difference ain't as significant these days as it was back then." He paused to give Tommy a chance to berate him for any of that, should he feel so inclined.
"I can understand that," Tommy said instead. "But there's still the... difference in life experience. Huge difference. You've been alive... more than three times as long as she has. You've been around the block. You know who you are, what you want. You've been married, had a kid... all that. But Ellie... bein' so young... impressionable... she's prob'ly confusin' her feelin's of gratitude with... other things..."
Joel sighed again. "I've thought about all of that too, all right? I get it. One thing I've learned, though -- you can't tell that girl how she feels about somethin' when she's got it in her head that she feels somethin' else. And from what I've seen... this ain't some schoolgirl crush. She ain't just... in love with the idea of love. The way she is, with me..." Joel didn't even know how to begin to articulate this properly. However, he also did not care to share intimate details of this relationship with his goddamn brother, so he didn't even try to expand on his statement. Put simply: "She does truly love me. Trust me on that one."
Tommy sighed, too. "She needs you. I won't deny that. And I know you need her. But I've said this before and I'm gonna say it again: there's such a thing as too much. You're codependent, the both of you. It ain't healthy."
Joel had known it would only be a matter of time before Tommy used the 'h' word; knowing that didn't make it any less irritating to hear, though. He wasn't exactly sure what all was entailed in being codependent, but... he needed Ellie like he needed air to breathe, and he couldn't disagree that that was unhealthy. Dangerous, even. "I don't care about that, in terms of myself. As for Ellie... I've never tried to keep her from seein' her friends, from doin' things on her own--"
"And yet, she spends most of her free time with you. ...You've had more influence in her life than anyone, ever. Is that fair to say?" He waited for Joel to acknowledge this. "I wonder if she feeds off your need, like... she can sense how much you need her, an' that makes her feel good, so in turn, she mirrors--"
"What are you sayin'? She's manipulatin' the situation?"
"No, no -- not at all. She ain't doin' anything consciously, I don't think. But you're... pretty much definin' her happiness based on this... sick need, that you have... I ain't even talkin' about the sex. She's wanted a family her whole life -- she said so herself, that one night. Family matters more to her than her friendships. Which is a little backwards for a teenage girl, but--"
"You can't be sayin' it ain't good that she loves her family." Joel wasn't even going to ask him to explain what he meant by that "defining her happiness" bullshit.
"Of course not. Especially nowadays... I think people in general are more inclined to value what little family they've got left. Things are different now... I'll grant you that. But are they so different that--" Tommy cut himself off.
"That what?" Joel prompted. "Jus' say it."
Tommy took another few moments to formulate a new thought instead of finishing that sentence. "Jackson ain't that big. I know that. But it's gettin' bigger an' bigger. Ellie might not be goin' off to college, no, but she can meet new people. I'm sure she'd get on real good with plenty of 'em. Maybe she'll meet a guy -- a decent young man, no one for you to worry about -- who's more... suitable for her. Someone who can give her somethin' you can't: a family of her own."
Joel bristled at this. "That's exactly what I gave her," he retorted, even though he knew damn well what his brother was referring to.
"I mean marriage. Kids. Someone to grow old with. You plan on givin' her any of those?"
Joel felt the rage starting to boil up inside him at last. "I could. She's a little young for that right now--"
"Really. You're gonna give that to her." Words of disbelief, accompanied by the most dubious of looks.
"I could," he repeated dumbly (conveniently ignoring the 'someone to grow old with' part). ...But WOULD I? WILL I? Getting defensive on this subject was the emotional response; his brain did register Tommy's logic. It was something he'd already given considerable thought to himself, of course. "She's sixteen, Tommy. You're gettin' a little ahead of yourself. Look -- I know I ain't gonna be the last person she ever loves. The last... partner, boyfriend... whatever. There's plenty of time for all that after I'm gone."
"You sure about that, big brother? 'Cause I know you're one stubborn son of a gun, and I can see you outlivin' Laurette... even Kimmie. That's another... thirty-five years or more. Say you live to be ninety. That puts Ellie at... what, fifty-five? You think she's gonna go on an' have kids then?"
Again -- all thoughts that had occurred to Joel. That didn't mean he couldn't argue the point, though. "You're talkin' way down the road. If I live that long -- and that's a big 'if' -- there's no guarantee Ellie will still be with me." Give me enough time, and there's a good chance I'll fuck things up beyond repair before too much longer... Relationships weren't exactly his strong suit. The fact that this unhealthy relationship with Ellie was his healthiest one, by far... well, that spoke volumes. "She might not even be with me two years from now -- at eighteen. Still plenty of time for her to find someone new, and have a family -- if that's what she wants."
"I've seen her around kids. She loves 'em."
No shit. "Yeah? So what? She's never once said to me that she wants to be a mother." And that was the truth. Joel knew she had some anxiety over how good a mother she would be, seeing as how she'd never had a mother herself, but he got the distinct feeling that she did want the chance, someday. He knew that she knew that he didn't want kids, so it wasn't a subject they'd discussed in depth. It wasn't a decision that should even be on the table for a sixteen-year-old anyhow. He changed tactics: "As I said, she's a bit young for all that right now, don'tcha think? But if havin' kids--"
"She's a bit young to be havin' sex. Hell -- she could be pregnant right now, thanks to you."
Oh shit... has he observed something that makes him think she might be? But Joel wasn't going to discuss the possibility with his goddamn brother. "She ain't pregnant," he muttered, hoping like hell it was true. "I do pull out."
Tommy blanched. "Ugh... I do not need to know what you--"
"You need to know that much." And I'd better head off the only-abstinence-is-one-hundred-percent-e
Tommy smirked. "You? You can't tell me you wanna be a father again. You can barely even stand to be around Grayson."
"That ain't true. I just ain't into babies. When he's three, four? Can carry on a conversation? I'll be more interested." Why does everyone act like I should be fawning over my nephew as if he was my own? It was really starting to grate on his nerves.
"Not sure I buy that, but... fine. That ain't the only thing -- there's also the fact that you flat-out told me you would never even think about becomin' a father again. You remember that?"
Of course Tommy would throw that in his face right now. "I remember. That was years ago. Before I even knew Ellie. In case you haven't noticed, I'm different now. -No, I know you noticed: you told Ellie how much she changed me. That meant a lot to her, what you said."
Tommy snorted. "Prob'ly made her feel real special. Contributed to her dependency on you. I can kick myself for that one now. All right -- never mind that. Say you go along with what she wants and you decide to have a kid with her... ten years or so from now. Whenever she's ready. Are you willin' to parent a newborn in your sixties? Are you even gonna see the kid grow up, or are you gonna leave her to be--"
"Hold on, now, Tommy, which one is it: I'm gonna live 'til I'm ninety? Or I'm gonna croak in my sixties? You're contradictin' yourself."
"I guess what I'm gettin' at is... you an' her don't make sense, in the long run. Right now... you've obviously got a real strong bond. An unhealthy one, but a strong one. You've been through a lot together. The... intimacy part... does baffle me, not gonna lie. And I can't help but wonder if Ellie... developed those feelin's... on account of pickin' up some vibes off you. Not intentional, on your part, maybe, but at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen... when those feelin's are brand new, and you don't quite understand 'em yet--"
"Believe me, Tommy, I've wondered the same thing. You say anythin' like that to Ellie, though, and she'll just get pissed off. She'll take it as an insult."
"Well, of course she will. Anyone would. That don't mean it ain't true. It don't mean you should just... give in and do whatever she wants. You're the adult... so be the adult."
Easier said than done. Not that Tommy would understand, since he didn't harbor any "vile lust" towards Ellie and was apparently at least partially immune to her charms. I get what he's saying, though...
Joel hadn't given this detail any thought recently, but... it seemed that Ellie had started trying to change the nature of their relationship shortly after that incident in the bed, where he'd felt her up in his sleep. She'd been awfully complacent about the whole thing, not at all upset like he'd expected her to be... because no one had ever touched her like that before... here she is, getting all this affection from me just from sharing the bed in the first place, and then I go and do that... and she already loves me, platonically... maybe it felt good, so she decided it meant she felt attraction towards me, and she built it up in her mind--
"Where did you go right there?" Tommy interrupted his thoughts. "You know I'm right, don't you. Ellie's had... what, zero experience with the opposite sex before now?"
That was true. As for the SAME sex... Tommy didn't need to know about that. It wasn't the sort of thing Joel would casually share with people; that was Ellie's decision, and hers alone. Tommy would probably think I interfered with her... her budding sexuality. -Hell -- maybe that's exactly what I DID. But that wasn't something Joel needed to figure out right now, while he was tasked with the impossible: making all of this make sense for Tommy. "Regardless of how she fell in love with me, how healthy or unhealthy it is... she is in love with me. She wants to have a future with me. And two or three years from now, if she still wants that... when she's old enough that people can cock their eyebrows an' cluck their tongues but have no grounds to get all up in arms about it? If she'll have me... I will ask her to marry me."
...I will?
I WILL.
Joel had only decided that very moment, as he heard the words tumbling out of his mouth... but he realized he very much meant it. I've known for a while that I want her to be my wife someday... so why WOULDN'T I ask--
"Seriously? You'll ask her to marry you... you would have her give up the best years of her life to be with an old man? Would you really ask that of her, Joel?"
Leave it to Tommy to remind me why I shouldn't. It was a crazy idea, sure... but now Joel felt defensive of it. "I ain't got one foot in the grave just yet. Yes, I would ask her. She'd decide that for herself."
"It wouldn't be a fair question. After she's been with you four or five years, been with no one else -- she wouldn't even know what she's givin' up. One thing I know about Ellie: she's loyal to a fault. Of course she'd say yes. Hell, she'd prob'ly say yes if you asked her right now, without thinkin' it through."
Irritating as it was to admit, Joel knew Tommy was right. "But it's still my choice to make!" said the Ellie in his head. He could hear her loud and clear: she wouldn't be giving up anything because everything she got in return would more than compensate... just because she was young didn't mean that Joel had brainwashed her into loving him...
Into being so completely dependent on me...
-But of course he had. He hadn't intended to, but he had. In a way, what he and Ellie had wasn't even real.
Thinking of it that way should have felt... painful? Something. But Joel felt nothing. It just... made sense. Much more sense than "it's fate" or whatever crap Ellie liked to believe that made it okay for someone his age to be with someone her age. You know what they say: if something feels too good to be true...
Tommy leaned forward. "Joel... I'll get to the point. The way you've... abused the trust of this sweet young girl... it's... troublesome, to say the least. Me'n'you may not see eye to eye on every fact of the matter, but we both agree that... you want what's best for her. We both want that. The age she's at right now.... these are real formative years for her. She's still a kid, but startin' to come into her own... things are confusin' an' scary... and I get that she's ahead of her years, mentally. She's mature in some ways. But not across the board. She is still a teenager. Still new to... love, in this sense. Now, I know things are different from when we were teenagers -- I know that. But think back to your teenage years... how different you were then from the person you are today. You of all people-- I mean, you had to grow up faster than most. You got pigeon-holed into what your adult life was gonna be at a real young age... I know you felt cheated, later on. I know you did."
They'd never had a heart to heart about it or anything, but over the years, Joel had conveyed that feeling in various ways. "That don't mean I'm sorry about the way things worked out. Those dreams I put on hold... what are the odds I would've gone to Nashville an' made it as a country artist anyhow? I wouldn't've traded havin' Sarah for any of that shit that I supposedly missed out on."
"Of course you wouldn't. But if you could map out your life... that ain't how you would've drawn it up. Not even talkin' about Nashville. Just... you would've had Sarah when you were older. When you were ready."
"None of us got that luxury," Joel countered. "Maybe I never would've had her 'cause then the world went to shit and I never got the chance. Shit happens."
"All right -- never mind about that -- leave Sarah out of it then, too. Just think back to how your teenage self felt about her mama. At the time, you didn' know any better -- you thought you had what you wanted... thought you were in love... and things didn't work out. You're a hell of a lot smarter now than you were then, on account of all the life experience. You make better decis--" Tommy snorted. "Scratch that. Anyhow... you get what I'm drivin' at here?"
"Oh, I get it, all right: you think I'm bein' a selfish asshole." ...And you would be right.
"No, I think you're bein' short-sighted. I think you use Ellie's... deep-seated need for you... you use that as a justification for... well, all kinds of shit, prob'ly. But she's a tough kid--"
"Sure she is. Tougher than most. But she's also got a real vulnerable side, Tommy. You've seen glimpses of it... but you haven't seen it as much as I have. She needs... stability. Lots of--"
"She'll have it. This is a stable home... she'll get all the love an' support she needs here."
There it is. Joel had suspected that that's where Tommy was leading him with all this bullshit: he and Maria intended to assume the role of Ellie's primary support system, and there was only one way that would ever happen. "You want me gone. As in, gone from your town."
"Not forever. But for a good long while. I'm talkin'... years. If you come back too soon, it might just be like Cordy an' Alyssa. Kid moves on, but then as soon as Ellie moves back to town..." Tommy chuckled.
His baby brother was talking about decimating Joel's whole world... and chuckling about it. Not to mention equating me and Ellie to a couple of clueless thirteen-year-olds...
"Think about it, Joel," Tommy pressed. "You two livin' in separate houses ain't gonna work. She's still gonna see you... even if you do the right thing an' refuse to sneak around with her, the wound ain't gonna heal right. You need to just rip that band-aid right off, all at once."
He makes it sound so damn easy. "I can't do that to her, Tommy. I can't rip her heart out like that."
"You ain't doin' it to her... you're doin' it for her. Maybe you go back to California... make yourself a new life out there... maybe you don't even look back. But if you find yourself itchin' to come back here in... say, five years? When Ellie's twenty-one? That's... still young as hell, compared to you, but it's a more respectable age than sixteen. She'll have all that time to sort herself out. To meet more people... to grow an' change... do whatever it is she's gonna do... and if you come back an' find that you two still have that bond like you have now? Maybe you start seein' each other again an' see where it goes." He smiled a little. "At the very least, Grayson will be old enough for you to talk to an' play with."
Sure. I can see it now... "Hey kid, you were just a baby when I left so you don't remember me, but I'm your Uncle Joel. I left town 'cause I was a pedophile. But I'm all cured of that now so I came back!" Joel kept this thought to himself... but he didn't know what to say instead.
Tommy kept talking. "The next few years... they'll fly by for you. But they're a much bigger portion of Ellie's life -- a significant portion. Formative years, like I said. You've had a lot of influence on her, uh... development, already... some good, some bad... but don't fall into the trap of thinkin' you might as well keep doin' what you're doin' 'cause it's too late to make any difference now. That ain't true. It ain't too late for you to do the right thing."
Tommy couldn't have known it, but those words sparked a memory that only made him feel more protective of Ellie. Made him feel more like staying with her, not entrusting her to anyone else. I've heard almost that exact same thing before... when asked to do something completely WRONG... but of course, he wouldn't be sentencing to Ellie to death in this case. No, it's the opposite: I'd be giving her a LIFE...
"There are lots of people in this town who care for her," Tommy continued -- no doubt encouraged by the fact that Joel had not yet told him to go to hell. "She'll have a good life here. I can promise you that."
Joel hadn't told him to go to hell yet because... I can't argue this. Tommy ain't Marlene: he's right. Ellie's real special... how much better off would she be without me holding her back? She could have her pick of partners, and who was Joel to say that none of them would be as good for her as himself? Maybe that ranch kid she was so interested in, that day at the new farm... she wanted to go back after, too... wouldn't tell me why...
Joel couldn't bear to follow that thought to its end. Imagining her with someone good stung far more than it should.
But to hell with all that-- "Here's the thing, though. She ain't gonna accept this. She'll never let me leave. You can say all you want about me bein' the adult, but I'm tellin' you -- she physically will not let me leave." He snorted. "You'd have to borrow those handcuffs. Traumatize the poor girl. And for how long? The second you free her, she's gonna come after me."
Tommy nodded. "That's gonna be a problem, I know. I'll alert the gates not to let her out under any circumstances. Not even with another adult. Safer that way, what with her bite an' all... although we still haven't located the damn scanner... anyhow, I was also thinkin'... you just don't tell her you're leavin'. Leave her a note if you want, but don't tell her to her face."
A goddamn note? Christ... Ellie would be crushed if he did that. Absolutely devastated. Joel had already imagined that very thing after discussing it with Paul -- and I thanked God that things would never come to that.
Tommy sure seemed to like the idea, though. "Besides, can you imagine sayin' goodbye to her in person? You wouldn't be able to go through with it."
Joel couldn't argue with that, either. He'd have to just... hang on, now -- why am I even THINKING about this? I can't do it. I CANNOT leave her. "Tommy, I never agreed to this. You're actin' like it's a done deal. If you want me gone... why don't you start a Jackson County Prison, just throw me in a cell... pick a basement somewhere. I'll be your first inmate. Not even jokin'. Let's do it." Maybe I'm HALF joking...
That idea actually made Tommy look sad. "I don't want that."
"Why not? You can tell Ellie I left. Tell her I abandoned her. Make sure she's good an' mad and she'll get over me in a hurry. Ain't that what you want?"
"No. What I want is for you to leave town, and I'll tell her the truth: you left because you do love her. Because you wanna do right by her. That... by lettin' her go, you're freein' her up to new possibilities. That you want a better life for her." Tommy leaned even more forward and looked at him earnestly. "Joel, I know that's what you've always wanted. Ever since you came back... after the Firefly thing. You can give that to her now -- a normal life."
Joel felt his throat constricting... goddamnit. He stared hard at a stain on the carpet. Memorized its shape while his mind sort of... emptied itself. He couldn't think about it, let alone feel it. The concept of leaving Ellie, of separating himself from someone who was such a huge part of himself, was just... so foreign.
But everything Tommy was saying made perfect sense.
The knot in Joel's stomach began to unravel itself... the weight on his shoulders began to lessen... the inexplicable dread he'd been feeling since... since when? The day we left the beach? Turns out, it has an antidote: THIS is the answer. He hadn't been dreading his brother finding out, or the town finding out... it wasn't the arrival of the day of reckoning -- none of that. It was the simple fact that there was only one way to do right by Ellie after doing so much wrong, and the time had come for him to do it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...
Maybe it was karma. He'd tried to foist Ellie off on Tommy a long time ago, but changed his mind right afterward... maybe I should've gone through with it back then--
No. No, he couldn't regret that, given how the Firefly situation had turned out. Tommy may or may not have gotten her all the way to Salt Lake City... may or may not have been able to save her life, perhaps by some other means than Joel had... there was just no way to know what would have happened, and the fact of the matter was, both Tommy and Ellie could've been killed.
If this was karma at work, it was clearly punishing him for what had happened next. Either with the Fireflies, or by taking advantage of Ellie... whatever. Whether Joel regretted it or not really didn't factor into the equation. I know I've done wrong... LOTS of wrong... what's that saying... two wrongs don't make a right? ...How about two HUNDRED wrongs don't make a right... and if he'd done 'one right' in bringing Ellie safely to Jackson, giving her the chance to have a new life, well... how long could he milk that for, anyhow? It was done. Mission accomplished. There was no legitimate reason for him to still feel like he needed to be with her. She was where she needed to be now. She was safe, loved... nourished in every way that she needed to be happy. She didn't actually need him to be happy. Ain't it just my own selfish desires telling me that we're ~MEANT TO BE~ and whatnot? It's all bullshit. It ain't REAL.
He barely heard it when Maria tentatively asked if she could join them. Barely noticed when Tommy drew her to his side.
It was a long moment before Joel felt ready to speak, and it seemed that Tommy and Maria were just waiting on him to continue the conversation. Tommy knows... he knows he got me... Joel kept staring at the discolored carpet. "I know the two of you care about her," he said slowly.
"We love her very much," Maria assured him, the warmth now restored to her voice.
Joel nodded. "But the fact is... she ain't your daughter. You have your own child now. Ellie... she needs to feel like she's a priority. That she's special. Every kid needs that." Shit, I'm getting choked up again...
"Of course!" Maria replied. "She has her own place in this family. We would never make her feel like... like she was less than. And we'll read up on... parenting teenagers." She seemed to be trying to catch his eye, but he did not look up to meet her gaze. "We'll talk to Claire, too -- we'll make sure we're giving her whatever support she needs."
Joel shook his head. "You don' need to do all that. Just love her. Give her lots of hugs. She... needs the affection." If she hadn't been so starved for it when he'd met her, would she have fallen for him so hard? "Just... know that even if she acts like she don't want you around, she actually does. She's not gonna understand any of this. She's gonna say things... she's gonna be mad for a while. Mad at you, mad at me... mad at the world, maybe. She'll prob'ly say things she don't mean. Don't hold 'em against her, all right? She's just..." ...GODDAMNIT... "She's just a kid," he whispered. I should've kept that in mind this whole time, and none of this would be happening right now.
"We know, Joel," Tommy said gently.
Joel was somewhat tempted to pass on every little tidbit of information that might possibly help them make the transition easier for Ellie, but all they really needed to do was love her -- and they did that already. The pieces were all in place... his resolve was strong... "I'll leave tonight," he announced, his voice now steely.
Maria gasped. "Tonight? Oh Joel, you don't have to do that..."
"I do. If I don't go now, I may never be able to do it." Not only that, but he knew that every moment with Ellie between now and whenever he finally left would be tainted... poisoned, even. It would be pure torture. And it wasn't like dragging things out would make it any easier to leave. On the contrary: each new memory from this point forward would serve as an additional roadblock on the way out. "But not until she's asleep," he added -- because, torture or not, he had to see her one last time.
Tommy nodded. "I understand. Anything you need, you let me know. I'll get it for you. ...You're doin' the right thing, Joel."
Joel was done discussing right and wrong... what's done is done. He couldn't second-guess himself on this -- and the more he thought about it, the more he would. All he wanted to think about now was the logistics. He planned on traveling real light this time. "I won't bother you about a horse. God knows I've already deprived you of two of 'em, and this time I may never come back."
Maria was actually sniffling now. "You can come back... someday?"
He had meant it in more of a 'shit happens' sense, but... "Don't say anything about that to Ellie. I don't want her holdin' out hope for... well, it would just defeat the whole purpose. She needs to forget about me." Said matter-of-factly -- he was done with his goddamn emotions now, too. Useless pieces of shit, those. They're what led me HERE.
"You know she won't do that," Tommy replied. "She won't forget. But... in time, she'll look back fondly. She'll understand why you did what you did. And she'll be grateful."
Joel wasn't so sure about that. I don't think there's enough TIME left in the world for her to reach that point... but it was a nice warm fuzzy lie he could comfort himself with later if he needed to.
* * * * * * *
They settled Ellie into the room that had been Joel's when they'd last lived here -- the one farthest down the hall. The hope was that with the door closed, Grayson's crying at all hours of the night wouldn't wake her. However, the door was open at the moment. Joel had given his word that he wouldn't be inappropriate with Ellie... although his word wasn't actually worth much to them these days. To them... and soon, it won't be worth a damn to Ellie, either... Joel had to shove painful thoughts like that deep down inside, where he could feel them later. Soon, he would have nothing but time to feel it all later... and even then, he would have to be careful about what he allowed himself to feel. If he had his way, he'd be done feeling any of it the moment he turned his back on her... but he didn't know how much mastery he'd have over his mind, in this situation. This was new territory. -New and old.
Right now, he knew he had to pump himself up. He told himself things like "I'm not LOSING Ellie -- I'm letting her go" and "Better late than never: finally I'm doing right by her."
As predicted, Ellie hadn't wanted to go to sleep by herself. Which was all his fault, of course. For a strong, capable sixteen-year-old to be so dependent on his presence simply to fall asleep was disgraceful. Sure, she had some PTSD issues that weren't his fault (...well, no, actually... they were, for the most part)... but thinking back to that very first night in Jackson, she had been willing to sleep on her own, in the end. It was Joel who had screwed it up because he couldn't sleep without her. Which was just... all kinds of wrong. A responsible parent would have talked to her, comforted her... taught her some self-soothing techniques, maybe gotten her a night light or a white noise machine... instilled a sense of pride in her that she could overcome the obstacles herself.
What had he done instead? He'd made damn sure that she became even more dependent on him than she already was.
But he could think about all the ways he'd royally screwed her up later, too. Doing so might help quell any second thoughts he might have along the way, after this hasty decision... that really wasn't so hasty -- it was a long time coming. (He might need to remind himself of that as well.)
They put a night light in her room -- Joel had made sure Tommy and Maria knew about the issues she had with the dark -- (also his fault, incidentally) -- and the hall light would remain on all night. Given that it was his last night with her, Tommy hadn't protested when Joel decided he was going to sit beside her -- just on the floor, not on the bed -- until she fell asleep. How he was ever going to summon the strength to get up and leave her room, Joel did not know.
She lay on her side, facing him, her hand encased in his. The light spilling in from the hall combined with the glow from the night light illuminated the room enough for them to see each other's faces -- Ellie called it "romantic" lighting. "What a day, huh?" She gave him a little smile that broke his heart.
"What a day," he agreed. He was leaning against the night stand, trying to keep a respectable distance (as well as he could while they were holding hands, anyhow). Ellie was pretty perceptive; he hoped that the day's events had exhausted her enough that she wouldn't be on her game tonight, and that his "all is well" act would be sufficiently convincing in its own right.
"It's not as bad as I expected, though. I'm surprised they even let you in here. I mean... Maria kinda looks like death warmed over, as you like to say, but Tommy could've sat with me -- just to guard me from big bad you," she added with an eyeroll.
Joel could have issued a 'real' goodbye to Tommy and Maria earlier, before Ellie had returned home from the library, but he hadn't bothered. He had made it clear he was done discussing the subject (beyond logistical matters, that is) and he didn't even want to hear so much as a "take care of yourself" or a "be careful" from either of them. He was just... done. They had both retired for the night just before he'd joined Ellie in her bedroom, and -- uncharacteristically -- they'd left their bedroom door open. It wasn't for Grayson's sake -- they had the baby monitor for that. Joel reckoned they were listening for signs of inappropriate relations. "I did promise 'em I wouldn't touch you," he told her.
"Oh yeah? Guess what -- you're touching me!" she whispered conspiratorially.
"Don't tell anyone," he whispered back.
She giggled softly. "Man... remember right after we came back, I said it would suck to be Clicker and Alyssa? With the door open and stuff? Now we are them!"
Joel didn't want her drawing too many parallels there. ...What, like thinking about my cruel-to-be-kind comments might lead her to realize what I'm about to do? That was probably a stretch, even for a girl as smart as Ellie. "I've got a few more gray hairs than Clicker, though," he said lightly.
"Haha... yeah, you're way sexier than him, too. -I think you should come sit up here on the bed next to me. Just so I can lean on you."
"...Uh-huh."
"No, really! I won't have my way with you, I promise!" All innocence.
"Keep your voice down. I'm sure they're listenin' down the hall."
"Ugh. Just like old times, right? So... obviously we're gonna have to start meeting in Ghost Town again. Which is gonna be harder now because a) more people, and b) we got busted. They're onto us. What if they make it so we're never alone? That's kind of what it sounded like they were gonna do, right? Oh -- now that we are finally alone, can you tell me what they said to you when I was gone? And why did Tommy leave the house so late?"
He had been out fetching supplies for Joel when Ellie had come home. Using his 'after-hours store privileges.' Sure, he could have sent Joel with the keys, but they had expected Ellie to come home in the meantime, and Tommy's absence was easier to explain -- not to mention less likely to alarm her.
"He got a call on the radio." Joel injected a shrug in his tone; a "don't know, don't care" attitude should assure Ellie that it was of no consequence. "And I told you, it was more of the same."
"But we're alone now, so--"
"It was still just... more of the same. How horrible it is, what I've done to you. All that."
"Pfff. And you know that's bullshit, right? Or do I have to remind you?"
Joel reckoned if he was too "yes, dear" on the subject, Ellie might realize something was up. ...Then again, she might just think he was too tired to argue. Which I AM... but this was the last emotional energy he would need to expend for the foreseeable future, so he didn't have to play the too-tired card just yet. "You know I've struggled with it, this whole time. With us. It is wrong."
Ellie groaned softly. "All my hard work, over all these months. Completely undone. But... actually, it's kind of good that you're thinking that way," she decided.
"It is? How so?"
"Well, the whole point of us being here is so Tommy and Maria can turn us back into father and daughter, right? Like that's gonna happen. If they feel like you're... you know. Repentant, or whatever? Like you've seen the ~error of your ways~ and stuff? Maybe they'll ease up a little. Yeah, it's perfect! You act guilty, and I'll act like... um... how should I act..."
"Be yourself," Joel suggested.
"Um, no. My self would be pulling you into this bed right now and kissing the fuck out of you."
"Don't be yourself, then," he amended, smirking a little.
"I think that... if I don't act pissed off, they'll suspect we're being... naughty, or whatever. Right? So I'll act like-- actually, that's not even an act. I am pissed. For Tommy to just barge into our fucking bedroom like that... and make all these declarations about how things are going to be... it's none of his fucking business, what we do!"
"Sshh," he warned her again. "Tommy cares about you. He's lookin' out for you. I'd've done the same thing, in his position." Except I wouldn't have stopped at a sucker punch. "Give the man a break. He's seen my bare ass twice now within a month."
"Ha! He should feel lucky he did! ...Ugh, whatever. It'll be kinda romantic, right? Having secret rendezvous again? Except now... fuck, they're not even going to let me snuggle with you on the couch, are they. If you even pat my shoulder, they're gonna be all like... looking at us... trying to figure out if we're fucking... like you're giving me a code or something..." She giggled a little at this thought.
Joel was heartened to see her in better spirits now, at least. He was torn between urging her to go to sleep and just listening to the angelic sound of her sweet voice all night... since it was the last time he'd hear it for God knows how long. Of course, she would eventually talk herself out and fall asleep... and then it's go time...
"Joel, seriously... what are we gonna do?"
"Don't worry about it," he said soothingly. "We'll figure somethin' out."
She did seem reassured by this, and Joel felt a pang of guilt at the reminder of how blindly she trusted him now... how she had not the faintest inkling of what was about to happen to her. She didn't even seem worried that Joel might want to revert to being father and daughter now... wasn't she worried about that before we left for California? Thinking we'd be father and daughter for the whole trip and that I might fall out of love with her as a result... we've come SO far since then...
"Where will you be tomorrow?" she asked.
"Uh... no idea." Not here... But she trusted him so much that it didn't even occur to her that he might be leaving tonight -- alone. How many times had he told her he was in this for the long haul? You and me against the world... apparently he'd told her enough times that she finally believed him. "Got the day off, remember?" he reminded her.
"Shit -- I actually forgot about our anniversary!"
Joel had, too. Unfortunate timing, that... "Not our real one." Which we'll never have...
"Fuck you -- they're all real!" She withdrew her hand so she could use it to give him a playful shove. "Man, I hope this blows over by the one you say is real. That's two months from now. Long enough for them to get over it, right?"
No chance in hell. "Maybe."
"So... hmm, do you think you'll be with Tommy tomorrow? Or can you ditch him? Cuz if Tommy's not around, I'll totally pretend I'm going somewhere else and then just go to wherever you are and we can go hide somewhere..."
"Uh... with Tommy, I think. He said he's gonna make sure we can't do shit like that. 'Fraid we're gonna have to lay low for a while, kiddo."
She sighed. "Fucking Tommy has to ruin everything."
That's his specialty. But Joel wasn't going to undermine what Tommy was trying to do here. He believed Tommy meant it when he'd said he wasn't going to turn Ellie against him (Joel's actions tonight would do that on their own anyhow -- both the leaving and the not-saying goodbye)... and he certainly didn't want her hating Tommy. -Hell, he wanted her to come to regard Tommy as a father. The father she should have had all along. The one she deserved.
"Hey." She laid her hand on top of his and give it a squeeze. "You seem kinda sad. It's gonna be okay, Joel. We've been through a lot of shit. We'll get through this, too."
He smiled weakly. "That's what I'm s'posed to be sayin' to you."
"Yeah, well, we take care of each other, right? It goes both ways."
Oh, my sweet baby girl... if you only knew...
But he was taking care of her now. She just wouldn't see it that way.
She yawned. "I'm pretty sleepy now, I think. But don't leave until you know for sure, okay?"
"Yes ma'am. Go ahead an' close your eyes."
She obliged. "Can I have a good night kiss?" she whispered, smiling angelically.
He rose enough to kiss her on the forehead.
She stifled a giggle. "Um... a real one, please. I'll be very quiet, I promise."
He brushed his lips very chastely across hers. But he lingered there... and, God help him, he couldn't deprive himself of one last sweet 'real' kiss. He pressed more firmly, parting his lips... tasting her minty-fresh sweetness. He kissed her breathless, and then kissed her some more. As if he could bank the kisses, store them up for later...
She wrapped her arms around him and tried to pull him on top of her, but he stopped short of that. He didn't want to take this too far. When he finally pulled up enough to look in her eyes, she smiled. "Damn... that was... can we keep going? If I promise not to scream 'fuck me Joel' this time?"
He returned the smile, but slithered back to his 'respectable distance.' "No, baby girl. Go to sleep now."
"I'm all awake now, though... it's pretty hot, the thought of fucking you with the door open... with their door open, too, and they're prob'ly not even asleep yet..."
Joel hadn't been too concerned about Tommy and Maria possibly hearing kissing noises and whatnot, because he figured as long as it didn't go on interminably or morph into banging-the-headboard-against-the-wall type sounds, they'd look the other way this one last time, and allow him to say goodbye to Ellie in his own way. But he doubted they'd look that far the other way... and although Ellie would probably be happy as a pig in shit if he were to take this beyond goodnight kisses, he knew she didn't expect it of him, given the circumstances. "You're a naughty girl," he scolded her.
"You love that about me." She lolled around a little... stretched her arms and yawned again, belying her 'I'm awake' comment. Joel was memorizing her every movement, down to the way her nightgown clung to her lithe young body. And it wasn't really even sexual, it was just... she was so... lovely. Absolutely beautiful, of course, but lovely is what came to mind in the moment. Lovely... perfect... and MINE, but not for much longer...
She looked at him with concern. "Joel... turn your head a little... in the light... yeah... your eyes are a little shiny! Are you okay? What's wrong? I mean... besides the obvious...?"
Damnit -- STOP with the EMOTION-- He forced a little chuckle. "It's just the obvious. I already miss kissin' you."
She relaxed. "It'll be more of a challenge than last time, but we will find time to be together. Think of it like you used to tell me: it'll be fun to miss each other again. It'll make our time together even more special."
"That's right." He took her hand in his and kissed it. "Good night, baby girl. I love you."
"Love you, too. 'Night." She closed her eyes again.
Joel rose and sat on the edge of the bed so he could stroke her hair more easily while she drifted off. He continued to memorize her... the softness of her hair, the sweet expression on her face when she was perfectly relaxed and content and about to succumb to sleep... he couldn't see her that well in the dim lighting. Couldn't sear every freckle, every hair, every contour into his mind... but it wasn't really about that. He'd been looking at her every day for so long now... he knew what she looked like. Just... he needed this one last image permanently etched in there so that he could pull it up every night and study it when he went to sleep. So that he wouldn't forget. Which was kind of a strange thing to need, considering the whole point of this was for them to move on from each other. Even if it's more about HER moving on from ME... and he really, really needed to be able to disconnect from his emotions if he had any hope of survival now... but he had every intention of coming back someday, and he needed to be okay with her having moved on from him when he was around to witness it. In that sense, he had to get over her to some extent.
Unless it's like Tommy said... if we still have the connection, years from now... then I would know it IS meant to be. They wouldn't be able to just pick up where they'd left off like nothing had happened, of course, but... it had been known to happen in the old world. People being apart for years and years, getting married and divorced to others and whatnot, and then reconnecting years down the road. It could happen...
But he had a feeling Tommy had mentioned that just to placate him. To make it sound less like he was abandoning Ellie forever by leaving right now. Joel knew that Ellie was capable of forging deep connections to others... and since she would be in a town full of people, she would have every opportunity to fill this void. So maybe in a year or two...
Do I really need to stay away for FIVE YEARS? He could understand waiting longer than a few months, but five years did seem excessive. The Ellie he was memorizing right now would no longer exist in a few years. Perhaps that would have been true of anyone on the planet, but it seemed especially true for her, given her age. What will she look like in her twenties? I bet she just keeps getting prettier and prettier. Although she's so damn pretty already, it's hard to imagine that that's even possible.
First things first -- he had to start the clock by actually leaving. He could ponder the optimal duration of his absence a good bit down the road.
It was hard to keep the emotions at bay. Hard to focus his brain on the task of serving as a recording device without being acutely aware of why. That this was the last time. "I'll always love you, baby girl," he heard himself whispering as he withdrew his hand from her hair. He didn't even know why he felt the need to verbalize it to a sleeping Ellie.
"Mm," she murmured.
He hadn't waited long enough. He slid back down to the floor and rested his chin on his arm while he continued to watch her. She ain't really awake... good. Not that there was anything suspicious about what he'd said, but... his delivery had been laden with emotion, and he felt like every fiber of his being was now broadcasting "I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU FOREVER" to her.
That was another reason he needed to leave tonight: giving himself a chance to second-guess himself was one thing, but giving Ellie a chance to sort out his intentions was quite another. How long could he fool her? In the light of day... after she'd had a chance to process everything... to analyze Joel's behavior, his words... she would figure it out sooner rather than later, and then the window of opportunity would slam shut.
He was careful not to speak aloud again, even after her breathing told him she was truly asleep now. I'm so sorry for the pain I'm about to cause you... my precious baby girl. My sweet Ellie. I've always known that I don't deserve you. Maybe by doing this... well, it won't make up for everything, but it's a step in the right direction. A step towards being the man you DO deserve.
What will you be like the next time I see you? Will you have a boyfriend? A girlfriend? Will you look back on our relationship with shame and regret? ...I won't. I should, seeing as how it's the whole reason I'm leaving, but I refuse to. I love you, goddamnit. Obviously I ain't right in the head, loving you the way I do, and I'm sorry as hell that it fucked you up, but what we had WAS special. I refuse to believe otherwise. You... are the love of my life. Plain and simple.
Will I be the love of yours? ...I sure hope not. Not if it brings you years of pain. ...Can I really stay away that long? Tommy's right, though: I HAVE to. Have to give the wounds a chance to scab over. I hope you find happiness with someone else. I hope when I come back, you're married to a fine young man you can have a family with someday, and you look at me with forgiveness in your big green eyes and welcome me back as your... dad, I guess. A girl can have more than one.
...All right, if I'm being honest, maybe I don't exactly hope for that quite yet. Maybe I still can't think of Tommy as your dad, either -- and I can't actually imagine not wanting to strangle any man who comes near you. But I'll get there, someday. ...Maybe you'll find a nice girl instead... That was a more palatable thought. And there would be alternative ways for her to have a family, when she was ready. In fact, given her background, he could see her fully embracing the idea of adopting a child who needed a home. Whatever your life looks like in a few years, baby girl, it'll be better than the one you have now... I can promise you that...
Joel watched Ellie sleep for hours. He nodded off himself a couple times, and was awakened by the baby crying -- fortunately, Ellie kept right on sleeping, even though the door was still open. He wondered if she sensed his presence and found it soothing enough to remain unconscious, somehow. ...Or maybe I just like to tell myself this bullshit to justify things that can't be justified.
Maria approached the room... he could hear her footsteps... but she stopped short, out of sight. She could probably see Joel's legs on the floor... probably knew he was reluctant to leave... she had obviously decided not to wake him up and send him on his way. Maybe she figured he'd been too hasty when he'd declared he would leave immediately... that he needed to sleep on it after all.
But Joel didn't need to sleep on it. He knew what he had to do, and he knew that the time to do it was now. The dark sky was just barely starting to lighten when he kissed Ellie goodbye once more -- chastely this time, so as not to wake her. He caressed her cheek, dusting his fingertips ever-so-lightly over her smooth skin. He took one last, lingering look from the doorway... drinking her in one last time.
And then he was gone.
~Continue to Chapter 37~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 10,566
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
"...you're the only thing on Earth that I believe in
And I'm somewhere between 'I love you' and 'I'm leavin'...' "
~Cody Jinks
At least Tommy had opted to tell Maria in private. Perhaps to spare everyone the drama of her reaction... or maybe for his own reasons.
Joel had accidentally caught a bit of an argument between the two of them about the new living arrangements: Maria only wanted Ellie to stay, not Joel. Joel had made his presence known at that point, and subsequently offered to make himself as scarce as possible, but Tommy wasn't having it. He said he "needed to keep a close eye" on Joel. Maria had eventually capitulated... and Joel planned on staying the hell out of her way. He wouldn't have been surprised if a second sucker punch had come his way that day, but she seemed content to hit him with cold looks of utter contempt instead.
Dinner that night had been an awkward affair, even with the subject of his and Ellie's relationship declared temporarily off limits (in the interest of everyone making it through the meal... not that anyone ate with much gusto). Ellie, whose own private talk with Maria clearly hadn't gone very well, had been sullen and withdrawn, and her mood tended to have a way of infecting them all, good or bad. Maria hadn't yet given Joel a piece of her mind on his crimes against Ellie... but her cordiality felt forced and hollow, and those accusatory looks she shot him made her opinion plain enough.
It wasn't easy convincing Ellie to go watch "some dumb movie" that night, but they managed it -- only after Tommy swore to her on Grayson's life that he wouldn't lay a hand on Joel. Joel reckoned he'd gotten that little itch out of his system earlier -- violence really was not Tommy's style, even in this day and age -- but Ellie made him swear anyhow. Now that she was out of the house and Maria was upstairs bathing the baby, Tommy and Joel could have the "man to man" talk that Tommy desired. Without Ellie there to serve as buffer, Joel expected Tommy to really lay into him -- not physically, but verbally. And the verbal barrage would probably be far more painful. Joel could defend himself up to a point: he wasn't a predator (at least in the traditional sense), he wasn't just using Ellie for sex or to stroke his ego, etcetera. But he didn't expect Tommy to dwell much on those concepts. Nope, he'll go right for the jugular: things I know to be true that I've been too selfish or too much of a coward to fix.
They were seated in the living room, Tommy on the big sofa and Joel on the loveseat, far enough apart that if Tommy did decide, promise or no promise, to launch himself at Joel and strangle him, Joel could react accordingly. They stared at each other for probably half a minute before Tommy found his words. "I gotta ask you... were you thinkin' long term, at all... when you started this... business with her?"
Yep, that's what we are: entrepreneurs, starting our own business together... Joel wasn't going to be a smartass, though. "Surprised you're givin' me any credit for thinkin', period." (...Maybe just a little bit of a smartass.)
"Awfully generous of me, I know. But no, I don't think you thought it through. You could've come to me an' told me you were strugglin', we could've worked somethin' out... but you didn't. You just... kept doin' the wrong thing. I think that... you got caught up in the moment. Gave in to this... vile lust you feel for this young girl... and once you got goin', you thought you'd best just keep on goin'. No lookin' back. Am I right?"
He thinks I should've asked him for HELP? Oh, Tommy would have just loved for Joel to seek his wisdom on how to get a handle on his... inappropriate feelings and whatnot. Christ. ...But... much as the idea pains me, maybe that's what I should have done. And Tommy had offered to take Ellie in a while back, to allow her to get over her little 'crush' on Joel -- it was too late by then, but perhaps not irreparably so. Of course, Joel was far too selfish to entertain 'solutions' like that. Ones that involved separating himself from Ellie... who literally was his better half (corny as that expression was, it rang true).
It took him a moment to remember that he actually had to answer his brother's questions now instead of just sitting back and letting Ellie rant and rage. Or, if not answer them, at least engage in conversation. Joel didn't feel like answering the question posed, so-- "What's the point of this, Tommy? No matter what I say, you're gonna jus' sit there an' judge me. You got somethin' to get off your chest, go right on ahead."
Tommy shook his head. "I just wanna understand what happened. I want us to have an open an' honest dialogue about it. Without havin' to sugarcoat things or omit things so as not to upset Ellie. I really do wanna know... I mean, if you were fightin' your feelin's, you must've known they were wrong, so... what changed?"
Of course he knew they were wrong. At least he's giving me SOME credit. Joel sighed. "I don' know, all right? You think I don't ask myself the same damn thing? You wanna pyschoanalyze me... I can't even tell you the answers to some of this shit 'cause I don' know 'em myself." It sounded like a cop out, but it was the truth.
"Just... can you at least try? At some point, you must've decided it was okay. How did you get there?" At least Tommy sounded more curious than accusatory now.
Can I really explain it so that he GETS it? ...No. There would be no ~winning him over~. The best Joel could hope for was... what? Compassion? Here we go-- "Well... as you may recall, I was worried about Ellie bein' with other boys, when we first got here. She's naïve... she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt... I didn't want her gettin' herself into trouble." He paused, but Tommy didn't fire back any snarky remarks, so he continued. "I wasn't thinkin' about... bein' with her, that way... I really wasn't. But after she... ...when I started considerin' it as a real possibility -- me'n'her? -- I guess I reckoned if she was with me, instead of some little punk, then I wouldn't have to worry about her gettin' herself into any... bad situations, in that regard. You're gonna say it's ironic -- go on, say it --" But Tommy just indicated for him to continue. "That was one justification I had in my head: at least she's with a man who loves her and ain't gonna try an' mess with her head... or get her in bed and dump her the next day. Shit like that -- or worse, of course. It made it seem... not so bad, me bein' with her. Now, I know you're gonna say I am messin' with her head--"
"Quit worryin' about what I'm gonna say," Tommy advised.
"I can't, though. Because whatever you're thinkin' right now... believe me. It's already crossed my mind. How can I think no one else is good enough for her but me, when I ain't nowhere near good enough myself? But... she's the one thing that I... I am good with her. I've gotten to know her real good, past couple of years. I know what she needs... and I can give it to her. I know when she's happy an' when she ain't... I know when she's tryin' to say or do what she thinks I want, instead of bein' her genuine self." This wasn't necessarily true one hundred percent of the time, but enough that he could make the claim to Tommy. "I really felt like... why shouldn't it be me, then... as long as I'm the one she wants? Things ain't like they were in 2013. She won't be goin' off to college, meetin' a bunch of new people, havin' all kinds of new experiences... livin' a life totally different from mine, with my job an' the mortgage an' whatnot... it ain't like that at all. When we're Outside, our primary focus is survival. And here in town... we have the same life. We both go to work. We have the same leisure activities -- I mean... with some variations, the entire town does -- not a lot of options as far as where to go an' what to do. At least not like it was back in the day. So the age difference ain't as significant these days as it was back then." He paused to give Tommy a chance to berate him for any of that, should he feel so inclined.
"I can understand that," Tommy said instead. "But there's still the... difference in life experience. Huge difference. You've been alive... more than three times as long as she has. You've been around the block. You know who you are, what you want. You've been married, had a kid... all that. But Ellie... bein' so young... impressionable... she's prob'ly confusin' her feelin's of gratitude with... other things..."
Joel sighed again. "I've thought about all of that too, all right? I get it. One thing I've learned, though -- you can't tell that girl how she feels about somethin' when she's got it in her head that she feels somethin' else. And from what I've seen... this ain't some schoolgirl crush. She ain't just... in love with the idea of love. The way she is, with me..." Joel didn't even know how to begin to articulate this properly. However, he also did not care to share intimate details of this relationship with his goddamn brother, so he didn't even try to expand on his statement. Put simply: "She does truly love me. Trust me on that one."
Tommy sighed, too. "She needs you. I won't deny that. And I know you need her. But I've said this before and I'm gonna say it again: there's such a thing as too much. You're codependent, the both of you. It ain't healthy."
Joel had known it would only be a matter of time before Tommy used the 'h' word; knowing that didn't make it any less irritating to hear, though. He wasn't exactly sure what all was entailed in being codependent, but... he needed Ellie like he needed air to breathe, and he couldn't disagree that that was unhealthy. Dangerous, even. "I don't care about that, in terms of myself. As for Ellie... I've never tried to keep her from seein' her friends, from doin' things on her own--"
"And yet, she spends most of her free time with you. ...You've had more influence in her life than anyone, ever. Is that fair to say?" He waited for Joel to acknowledge this. "I wonder if she feeds off your need, like... she can sense how much you need her, an' that makes her feel good, so in turn, she mirrors--"
"What are you sayin'? She's manipulatin' the situation?"
"No, no -- not at all. She ain't doin' anything consciously, I don't think. But you're... pretty much definin' her happiness based on this... sick need, that you have... I ain't even talkin' about the sex. She's wanted a family her whole life -- she said so herself, that one night. Family matters more to her than her friendships. Which is a little backwards for a teenage girl, but--"
"You can't be sayin' it ain't good that she loves her family." Joel wasn't even going to ask him to explain what he meant by that "defining her happiness" bullshit.
"Of course not. Especially nowadays... I think people in general are more inclined to value what little family they've got left. Things are different now... I'll grant you that. But are they so different that--" Tommy cut himself off.
"That what?" Joel prompted. "Jus' say it."
Tommy took another few moments to formulate a new thought instead of finishing that sentence. "Jackson ain't that big. I know that. But it's gettin' bigger an' bigger. Ellie might not be goin' off to college, no, but she can meet new people. I'm sure she'd get on real good with plenty of 'em. Maybe she'll meet a guy -- a decent young man, no one for you to worry about -- who's more... suitable for her. Someone who can give her somethin' you can't: a family of her own."
Joel bristled at this. "That's exactly what I gave her," he retorted, even though he knew damn well what his brother was referring to.
"I mean marriage. Kids. Someone to grow old with. You plan on givin' her any of those?"
Joel felt the rage starting to boil up inside him at last. "I could. She's a little young for that right now--"
"Really. You're gonna give that to her." Words of disbelief, accompanied by the most dubious of looks.
"I could," he repeated dumbly (conveniently ignoring the 'someone to grow old with' part). ...But WOULD I? WILL I? Getting defensive on this subject was the emotional response; his brain did register Tommy's logic. It was something he'd already given considerable thought to himself, of course. "She's sixteen, Tommy. You're gettin' a little ahead of yourself. Look -- I know I ain't gonna be the last person she ever loves. The last... partner, boyfriend... whatever. There's plenty of time for all that after I'm gone."
"You sure about that, big brother? 'Cause I know you're one stubborn son of a gun, and I can see you outlivin' Laurette... even Kimmie. That's another... thirty-five years or more. Say you live to be ninety. That puts Ellie at... what, fifty-five? You think she's gonna go on an' have kids then?"
Again -- all thoughts that had occurred to Joel. That didn't mean he couldn't argue the point, though. "You're talkin' way down the road. If I live that long -- and that's a big 'if' -- there's no guarantee Ellie will still be with me." Give me enough time, and there's a good chance I'll fuck things up beyond repair before too much longer... Relationships weren't exactly his strong suit. The fact that this unhealthy relationship with Ellie was his healthiest one, by far... well, that spoke volumes. "She might not even be with me two years from now -- at eighteen. Still plenty of time for her to find someone new, and have a family -- if that's what she wants."
"I've seen her around kids. She loves 'em."
No shit. "Yeah? So what? She's never once said to me that she wants to be a mother." And that was the truth. Joel knew she had some anxiety over how good a mother she would be, seeing as how she'd never had a mother herself, but he got the distinct feeling that she did want the chance, someday. He knew that she knew that he didn't want kids, so it wasn't a subject they'd discussed in depth. It wasn't a decision that should even be on the table for a sixteen-year-old anyhow. He changed tactics: "As I said, she's a bit young for all that right now, don'tcha think? But if havin' kids--"
"She's a bit young to be havin' sex. Hell -- she could be pregnant right now, thanks to you."
Oh shit... has he observed something that makes him think she might be? But Joel wasn't going to discuss the possibility with his goddamn brother. "She ain't pregnant," he muttered, hoping like hell it was true. "I do pull out."
Tommy blanched. "Ugh... I do not need to know what you--"
"You need to know that much." And I'd better head off the only-abstinence-is-one-hundred-percent-e
Tommy smirked. "You? You can't tell me you wanna be a father again. You can barely even stand to be around Grayson."
"That ain't true. I just ain't into babies. When he's three, four? Can carry on a conversation? I'll be more interested." Why does everyone act like I should be fawning over my nephew as if he was my own? It was really starting to grate on his nerves.
"Not sure I buy that, but... fine. That ain't the only thing -- there's also the fact that you flat-out told me you would never even think about becomin' a father again. You remember that?"
Of course Tommy would throw that in his face right now. "I remember. That was years ago. Before I even knew Ellie. In case you haven't noticed, I'm different now. -No, I know you noticed: you told Ellie how much she changed me. That meant a lot to her, what you said."
Tommy snorted. "Prob'ly made her feel real special. Contributed to her dependency on you. I can kick myself for that one now. All right -- never mind that. Say you go along with what she wants and you decide to have a kid with her... ten years or so from now. Whenever she's ready. Are you willin' to parent a newborn in your sixties? Are you even gonna see the kid grow up, or are you gonna leave her to be--"
"Hold on, now, Tommy, which one is it: I'm gonna live 'til I'm ninety? Or I'm gonna croak in my sixties? You're contradictin' yourself."
"I guess what I'm gettin' at is... you an' her don't make sense, in the long run. Right now... you've obviously got a real strong bond. An unhealthy one, but a strong one. You've been through a lot together. The... intimacy part... does baffle me, not gonna lie. And I can't help but wonder if Ellie... developed those feelin's... on account of pickin' up some vibes off you. Not intentional, on your part, maybe, but at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen... when those feelin's are brand new, and you don't quite understand 'em yet--"
"Believe me, Tommy, I've wondered the same thing. You say anythin' like that to Ellie, though, and she'll just get pissed off. She'll take it as an insult."
"Well, of course she will. Anyone would. That don't mean it ain't true. It don't mean you should just... give in and do whatever she wants. You're the adult... so be the adult."
Easier said than done. Not that Tommy would understand, since he didn't harbor any "vile lust" towards Ellie and was apparently at least partially immune to her charms. I get what he's saying, though...
Joel hadn't given this detail any thought recently, but... it seemed that Ellie had started trying to change the nature of their relationship shortly after that incident in the bed, where he'd felt her up in his sleep. She'd been awfully complacent about the whole thing, not at all upset like he'd expected her to be... because no one had ever touched her like that before... here she is, getting all this affection from me just from sharing the bed in the first place, and then I go and do that... and she already loves me, platonically... maybe it felt good, so she decided it meant she felt attraction towards me, and she built it up in her mind--
"Where did you go right there?" Tommy interrupted his thoughts. "You know I'm right, don't you. Ellie's had... what, zero experience with the opposite sex before now?"
That was true. As for the SAME sex... Tommy didn't need to know about that. It wasn't the sort of thing Joel would casually share with people; that was Ellie's decision, and hers alone. Tommy would probably think I interfered with her... her budding sexuality. -Hell -- maybe that's exactly what I DID. But that wasn't something Joel needed to figure out right now, while he was tasked with the impossible: making all of this make sense for Tommy. "Regardless of how she fell in love with me, how healthy or unhealthy it is... she is in love with me. She wants to have a future with me. And two or three years from now, if she still wants that... when she's old enough that people can cock their eyebrows an' cluck their tongues but have no grounds to get all up in arms about it? If she'll have me... I will ask her to marry me."
...I will?
I WILL.
Joel had only decided that very moment, as he heard the words tumbling out of his mouth... but he realized he very much meant it. I've known for a while that I want her to be my wife someday... so why WOULDN'T I ask--
"Seriously? You'll ask her to marry you... you would have her give up the best years of her life to be with an old man? Would you really ask that of her, Joel?"
Leave it to Tommy to remind me why I shouldn't. It was a crazy idea, sure... but now Joel felt defensive of it. "I ain't got one foot in the grave just yet. Yes, I would ask her. She'd decide that for herself."
"It wouldn't be a fair question. After she's been with you four or five years, been with no one else -- she wouldn't even know what she's givin' up. One thing I know about Ellie: she's loyal to a fault. Of course she'd say yes. Hell, she'd prob'ly say yes if you asked her right now, without thinkin' it through."
Irritating as it was to admit, Joel knew Tommy was right. "But it's still my choice to make!" said the Ellie in his head. He could hear her loud and clear: she wouldn't be giving up anything because everything she got in return would more than compensate... just because she was young didn't mean that Joel had brainwashed her into loving him...
Into being so completely dependent on me...
-But of course he had. He hadn't intended to, but he had. In a way, what he and Ellie had wasn't even real.
Thinking of it that way should have felt... painful? Something. But Joel felt nothing. It just... made sense. Much more sense than "it's fate" or whatever crap Ellie liked to believe that made it okay for someone his age to be with someone her age. You know what they say: if something feels too good to be true...
Tommy leaned forward. "Joel... I'll get to the point. The way you've... abused the trust of this sweet young girl... it's... troublesome, to say the least. Me'n'you may not see eye to eye on every fact of the matter, but we both agree that... you want what's best for her. We both want that. The age she's at right now.... these are real formative years for her. She's still a kid, but startin' to come into her own... things are confusin' an' scary... and I get that she's ahead of her years, mentally. She's mature in some ways. But not across the board. She is still a teenager. Still new to... love, in this sense. Now, I know things are different from when we were teenagers -- I know that. But think back to your teenage years... how different you were then from the person you are today. You of all people-- I mean, you had to grow up faster than most. You got pigeon-holed into what your adult life was gonna be at a real young age... I know you felt cheated, later on. I know you did."
They'd never had a heart to heart about it or anything, but over the years, Joel had conveyed that feeling in various ways. "That don't mean I'm sorry about the way things worked out. Those dreams I put on hold... what are the odds I would've gone to Nashville an' made it as a country artist anyhow? I wouldn't've traded havin' Sarah for any of that shit that I supposedly missed out on."
"Of course you wouldn't. But if you could map out your life... that ain't how you would've drawn it up. Not even talkin' about Nashville. Just... you would've had Sarah when you were older. When you were ready."
"None of us got that luxury," Joel countered. "Maybe I never would've had her 'cause then the world went to shit and I never got the chance. Shit happens."
"All right -- never mind about that -- leave Sarah out of it then, too. Just think back to how your teenage self felt about her mama. At the time, you didn' know any better -- you thought you had what you wanted... thought you were in love... and things didn't work out. You're a hell of a lot smarter now than you were then, on account of all the life experience. You make better decis--" Tommy snorted. "Scratch that. Anyhow... you get what I'm drivin' at here?"
"Oh, I get it, all right: you think I'm bein' a selfish asshole." ...And you would be right.
"No, I think you're bein' short-sighted. I think you use Ellie's... deep-seated need for you... you use that as a justification for... well, all kinds of shit, prob'ly. But she's a tough kid--"
"Sure she is. Tougher than most. But she's also got a real vulnerable side, Tommy. You've seen glimpses of it... but you haven't seen it as much as I have. She needs... stability. Lots of--"
"She'll have it. This is a stable home... she'll get all the love an' support she needs here."
There it is. Joel had suspected that that's where Tommy was leading him with all this bullshit: he and Maria intended to assume the role of Ellie's primary support system, and there was only one way that would ever happen. "You want me gone. As in, gone from your town."
"Not forever. But for a good long while. I'm talkin'... years. If you come back too soon, it might just be like Cordy an' Alyssa. Kid moves on, but then as soon as Ellie moves back to town..." Tommy chuckled.
His baby brother was talking about decimating Joel's whole world... and chuckling about it. Not to mention equating me and Ellie to a couple of clueless thirteen-year-olds...
"Think about it, Joel," Tommy pressed. "You two livin' in separate houses ain't gonna work. She's still gonna see you... even if you do the right thing an' refuse to sneak around with her, the wound ain't gonna heal right. You need to just rip that band-aid right off, all at once."
He makes it sound so damn easy. "I can't do that to her, Tommy. I can't rip her heart out like that."
"You ain't doin' it to her... you're doin' it for her. Maybe you go back to California... make yourself a new life out there... maybe you don't even look back. But if you find yourself itchin' to come back here in... say, five years? When Ellie's twenty-one? That's... still young as hell, compared to you, but it's a more respectable age than sixteen. She'll have all that time to sort herself out. To meet more people... to grow an' change... do whatever it is she's gonna do... and if you come back an' find that you two still have that bond like you have now? Maybe you start seein' each other again an' see where it goes." He smiled a little. "At the very least, Grayson will be old enough for you to talk to an' play with."
Sure. I can see it now... "Hey kid, you were just a baby when I left so you don't remember me, but I'm your Uncle Joel. I left town 'cause I was a pedophile. But I'm all cured of that now so I came back!" Joel kept this thought to himself... but he didn't know what to say instead.
Tommy kept talking. "The next few years... they'll fly by for you. But they're a much bigger portion of Ellie's life -- a significant portion. Formative years, like I said. You've had a lot of influence on her, uh... development, already... some good, some bad... but don't fall into the trap of thinkin' you might as well keep doin' what you're doin' 'cause it's too late to make any difference now. That ain't true. It ain't too late for you to do the right thing."
Tommy couldn't have known it, but those words sparked a memory that only made him feel more protective of Ellie. Made him feel more like staying with her, not entrusting her to anyone else. I've heard almost that exact same thing before... when asked to do something completely WRONG... but of course, he wouldn't be sentencing to Ellie to death in this case. No, it's the opposite: I'd be giving her a LIFE...
"There are lots of people in this town who care for her," Tommy continued -- no doubt encouraged by the fact that Joel had not yet told him to go to hell. "She'll have a good life here. I can promise you that."
Joel hadn't told him to go to hell yet because... I can't argue this. Tommy ain't Marlene: he's right. Ellie's real special... how much better off would she be without me holding her back? She could have her pick of partners, and who was Joel to say that none of them would be as good for her as himself? Maybe that ranch kid she was so interested in, that day at the new farm... she wanted to go back after, too... wouldn't tell me why...
Joel couldn't bear to follow that thought to its end. Imagining her with someone good stung far more than it should.
But to hell with all that-- "Here's the thing, though. She ain't gonna accept this. She'll never let me leave. You can say all you want about me bein' the adult, but I'm tellin' you -- she physically will not let me leave." He snorted. "You'd have to borrow those handcuffs. Traumatize the poor girl. And for how long? The second you free her, she's gonna come after me."
Tommy nodded. "That's gonna be a problem, I know. I'll alert the gates not to let her out under any circumstances. Not even with another adult. Safer that way, what with her bite an' all... although we still haven't located the damn scanner... anyhow, I was also thinkin'... you just don't tell her you're leavin'. Leave her a note if you want, but don't tell her to her face."
A goddamn note? Christ... Ellie would be crushed if he did that. Absolutely devastated. Joel had already imagined that very thing after discussing it with Paul -- and I thanked God that things would never come to that.
Tommy sure seemed to like the idea, though. "Besides, can you imagine sayin' goodbye to her in person? You wouldn't be able to go through with it."
Joel couldn't argue with that, either. He'd have to just... hang on, now -- why am I even THINKING about this? I can't do it. I CANNOT leave her. "Tommy, I never agreed to this. You're actin' like it's a done deal. If you want me gone... why don't you start a Jackson County Prison, just throw me in a cell... pick a basement somewhere. I'll be your first inmate. Not even jokin'. Let's do it." Maybe I'm HALF joking...
That idea actually made Tommy look sad. "I don't want that."
"Why not? You can tell Ellie I left. Tell her I abandoned her. Make sure she's good an' mad and she'll get over me in a hurry. Ain't that what you want?"
"No. What I want is for you to leave town, and I'll tell her the truth: you left because you do love her. Because you wanna do right by her. That... by lettin' her go, you're freein' her up to new possibilities. That you want a better life for her." Tommy leaned even more forward and looked at him earnestly. "Joel, I know that's what you've always wanted. Ever since you came back... after the Firefly thing. You can give that to her now -- a normal life."
Joel felt his throat constricting... goddamnit. He stared hard at a stain on the carpet. Memorized its shape while his mind sort of... emptied itself. He couldn't think about it, let alone feel it. The concept of leaving Ellie, of separating himself from someone who was such a huge part of himself, was just... so foreign.
But everything Tommy was saying made perfect sense.
The knot in Joel's stomach began to unravel itself... the weight on his shoulders began to lessen... the inexplicable dread he'd been feeling since... since when? The day we left the beach? Turns out, it has an antidote: THIS is the answer. He hadn't been dreading his brother finding out, or the town finding out... it wasn't the arrival of the day of reckoning -- none of that. It was the simple fact that there was only one way to do right by Ellie after doing so much wrong, and the time had come for him to do it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...
Maybe it was karma. He'd tried to foist Ellie off on Tommy a long time ago, but changed his mind right afterward... maybe I should've gone through with it back then--
No. No, he couldn't regret that, given how the Firefly situation had turned out. Tommy may or may not have gotten her all the way to Salt Lake City... may or may not have been able to save her life, perhaps by some other means than Joel had... there was just no way to know what would have happened, and the fact of the matter was, both Tommy and Ellie could've been killed.
If this was karma at work, it was clearly punishing him for what had happened next. Either with the Fireflies, or by taking advantage of Ellie... whatever. Whether Joel regretted it or not really didn't factor into the equation. I know I've done wrong... LOTS of wrong... what's that saying... two wrongs don't make a right? ...How about two HUNDRED wrongs don't make a right... and if he'd done 'one right' in bringing Ellie safely to Jackson, giving her the chance to have a new life, well... how long could he milk that for, anyhow? It was done. Mission accomplished. There was no legitimate reason for him to still feel like he needed to be with her. She was where she needed to be now. She was safe, loved... nourished in every way that she needed to be happy. She didn't actually need him to be happy. Ain't it just my own selfish desires telling me that we're ~MEANT TO BE~ and whatnot? It's all bullshit. It ain't REAL.
He barely heard it when Maria tentatively asked if she could join them. Barely noticed when Tommy drew her to his side.
It was a long moment before Joel felt ready to speak, and it seemed that Tommy and Maria were just waiting on him to continue the conversation. Tommy knows... he knows he got me... Joel kept staring at the discolored carpet. "I know the two of you care about her," he said slowly.
"We love her very much," Maria assured him, the warmth now restored to her voice.
Joel nodded. "But the fact is... she ain't your daughter. You have your own child now. Ellie... she needs to feel like she's a priority. That she's special. Every kid needs that." Shit, I'm getting choked up again...
"Of course!" Maria replied. "She has her own place in this family. We would never make her feel like... like she was less than. And we'll read up on... parenting teenagers." She seemed to be trying to catch his eye, but he did not look up to meet her gaze. "We'll talk to Claire, too -- we'll make sure we're giving her whatever support she needs."
Joel shook his head. "You don' need to do all that. Just love her. Give her lots of hugs. She... needs the affection." If she hadn't been so starved for it when he'd met her, would she have fallen for him so hard? "Just... know that even if she acts like she don't want you around, she actually does. She's not gonna understand any of this. She's gonna say things... she's gonna be mad for a while. Mad at you, mad at me... mad at the world, maybe. She'll prob'ly say things she don't mean. Don't hold 'em against her, all right? She's just..." ...GODDAMNIT... "She's just a kid," he whispered. I should've kept that in mind this whole time, and none of this would be happening right now.
"We know, Joel," Tommy said gently.
Joel was somewhat tempted to pass on every little tidbit of information that might possibly help them make the transition easier for Ellie, but all they really needed to do was love her -- and they did that already. The pieces were all in place... his resolve was strong... "I'll leave tonight," he announced, his voice now steely.
Maria gasped. "Tonight? Oh Joel, you don't have to do that..."
"I do. If I don't go now, I may never be able to do it." Not only that, but he knew that every moment with Ellie between now and whenever he finally left would be tainted... poisoned, even. It would be pure torture. And it wasn't like dragging things out would make it any easier to leave. On the contrary: each new memory from this point forward would serve as an additional roadblock on the way out. "But not until she's asleep," he added -- because, torture or not, he had to see her one last time.
Tommy nodded. "I understand. Anything you need, you let me know. I'll get it for you. ...You're doin' the right thing, Joel."
Joel was done discussing right and wrong... what's done is done. He couldn't second-guess himself on this -- and the more he thought about it, the more he would. All he wanted to think about now was the logistics. He planned on traveling real light this time. "I won't bother you about a horse. God knows I've already deprived you of two of 'em, and this time I may never come back."
Maria was actually sniffling now. "You can come back... someday?"
He had meant it in more of a 'shit happens' sense, but... "Don't say anything about that to Ellie. I don't want her holdin' out hope for... well, it would just defeat the whole purpose. She needs to forget about me." Said matter-of-factly -- he was done with his goddamn emotions now, too. Useless pieces of shit, those. They're what led me HERE.
"You know she won't do that," Tommy replied. "She won't forget. But... in time, she'll look back fondly. She'll understand why you did what you did. And she'll be grateful."
Joel wasn't so sure about that. I don't think there's enough TIME left in the world for her to reach that point... but it was a nice warm fuzzy lie he could comfort himself with later if he needed to.
* * * * * * *
They settled Ellie into the room that had been Joel's when they'd last lived here -- the one farthest down the hall. The hope was that with the door closed, Grayson's crying at all hours of the night wouldn't wake her. However, the door was open at the moment. Joel had given his word that he wouldn't be inappropriate with Ellie... although his word wasn't actually worth much to them these days. To them... and soon, it won't be worth a damn to Ellie, either... Joel had to shove painful thoughts like that deep down inside, where he could feel them later. Soon, he would have nothing but time to feel it all later... and even then, he would have to be careful about what he allowed himself to feel. If he had his way, he'd be done feeling any of it the moment he turned his back on her... but he didn't know how much mastery he'd have over his mind, in this situation. This was new territory. -New and old.
Right now, he knew he had to pump himself up. He told himself things like "I'm not LOSING Ellie -- I'm letting her go" and "Better late than never: finally I'm doing right by her."
As predicted, Ellie hadn't wanted to go to sleep by herself. Which was all his fault, of course. For a strong, capable sixteen-year-old to be so dependent on his presence simply to fall asleep was disgraceful. Sure, she had some PTSD issues that weren't his fault (...well, no, actually... they were, for the most part)... but thinking back to that very first night in Jackson, she had been willing to sleep on her own, in the end. It was Joel who had screwed it up because he couldn't sleep without her. Which was just... all kinds of wrong. A responsible parent would have talked to her, comforted her... taught her some self-soothing techniques, maybe gotten her a night light or a white noise machine... instilled a sense of pride in her that she could overcome the obstacles herself.
What had he done instead? He'd made damn sure that she became even more dependent on him than she already was.
But he could think about all the ways he'd royally screwed her up later, too. Doing so might help quell any second thoughts he might have along the way, after this hasty decision... that really wasn't so hasty -- it was a long time coming. (He might need to remind himself of that as well.)
They put a night light in her room -- Joel had made sure Tommy and Maria knew about the issues she had with the dark -- (also his fault, incidentally) -- and the hall light would remain on all night. Given that it was his last night with her, Tommy hadn't protested when Joel decided he was going to sit beside her -- just on the floor, not on the bed -- until she fell asleep. How he was ever going to summon the strength to get up and leave her room, Joel did not know.
She lay on her side, facing him, her hand encased in his. The light spilling in from the hall combined with the glow from the night light illuminated the room enough for them to see each other's faces -- Ellie called it "romantic" lighting. "What a day, huh?" She gave him a little smile that broke his heart.
"What a day," he agreed. He was leaning against the night stand, trying to keep a respectable distance (as well as he could while they were holding hands, anyhow). Ellie was pretty perceptive; he hoped that the day's events had exhausted her enough that she wouldn't be on her game tonight, and that his "all is well" act would be sufficiently convincing in its own right.
"It's not as bad as I expected, though. I'm surprised they even let you in here. I mean... Maria kinda looks like death warmed over, as you like to say, but Tommy could've sat with me -- just to guard me from big bad you," she added with an eyeroll.
Joel could have issued a 'real' goodbye to Tommy and Maria earlier, before Ellie had returned home from the library, but he hadn't bothered. He had made it clear he was done discussing the subject (beyond logistical matters, that is) and he didn't even want to hear so much as a "take care of yourself" or a "be careful" from either of them. He was just... done. They had both retired for the night just before he'd joined Ellie in her bedroom, and -- uncharacteristically -- they'd left their bedroom door open. It wasn't for Grayson's sake -- they had the baby monitor for that. Joel reckoned they were listening for signs of inappropriate relations. "I did promise 'em I wouldn't touch you," he told her.
"Oh yeah? Guess what -- you're touching me!" she whispered conspiratorially.
"Don't tell anyone," he whispered back.
She giggled softly. "Man... remember right after we came back, I said it would suck to be Clicker and Alyssa? With the door open and stuff? Now we are them!"
Joel didn't want her drawing too many parallels there. ...What, like thinking about my cruel-to-be-kind comments might lead her to realize what I'm about to do? That was probably a stretch, even for a girl as smart as Ellie. "I've got a few more gray hairs than Clicker, though," he said lightly.
"Haha... yeah, you're way sexier than him, too. -I think you should come sit up here on the bed next to me. Just so I can lean on you."
"...Uh-huh."
"No, really! I won't have my way with you, I promise!" All innocence.
"Keep your voice down. I'm sure they're listenin' down the hall."
"Ugh. Just like old times, right? So... obviously we're gonna have to start meeting in Ghost Town again. Which is gonna be harder now because a) more people, and b) we got busted. They're onto us. What if they make it so we're never alone? That's kind of what it sounded like they were gonna do, right? Oh -- now that we are finally alone, can you tell me what they said to you when I was gone? And why did Tommy leave the house so late?"
He had been out fetching supplies for Joel when Ellie had come home. Using his 'after-hours store privileges.' Sure, he could have sent Joel with the keys, but they had expected Ellie to come home in the meantime, and Tommy's absence was easier to explain -- not to mention less likely to alarm her.
"He got a call on the radio." Joel injected a shrug in his tone; a "don't know, don't care" attitude should assure Ellie that it was of no consequence. "And I told you, it was more of the same."
"But we're alone now, so--"
"It was still just... more of the same. How horrible it is, what I've done to you. All that."
"Pfff. And you know that's bullshit, right? Or do I have to remind you?"
Joel reckoned if he was too "yes, dear" on the subject, Ellie might realize something was up. ...Then again, she might just think he was too tired to argue. Which I AM... but this was the last emotional energy he would need to expend for the foreseeable future, so he didn't have to play the too-tired card just yet. "You know I've struggled with it, this whole time. With us. It is wrong."
Ellie groaned softly. "All my hard work, over all these months. Completely undone. But... actually, it's kind of good that you're thinking that way," she decided.
"It is? How so?"
"Well, the whole point of us being here is so Tommy and Maria can turn us back into father and daughter, right? Like that's gonna happen. If they feel like you're... you know. Repentant, or whatever? Like you've seen the ~error of your ways~ and stuff? Maybe they'll ease up a little. Yeah, it's perfect! You act guilty, and I'll act like... um... how should I act..."
"Be yourself," Joel suggested.
"Um, no. My self would be pulling you into this bed right now and kissing the fuck out of you."
"Don't be yourself, then," he amended, smirking a little.
"I think that... if I don't act pissed off, they'll suspect we're being... naughty, or whatever. Right? So I'll act like-- actually, that's not even an act. I am pissed. For Tommy to just barge into our fucking bedroom like that... and make all these declarations about how things are going to be... it's none of his fucking business, what we do!"
"Sshh," he warned her again. "Tommy cares about you. He's lookin' out for you. I'd've done the same thing, in his position." Except I wouldn't have stopped at a sucker punch. "Give the man a break. He's seen my bare ass twice now within a month."
"Ha! He should feel lucky he did! ...Ugh, whatever. It'll be kinda romantic, right? Having secret rendezvous again? Except now... fuck, they're not even going to let me snuggle with you on the couch, are they. If you even pat my shoulder, they're gonna be all like... looking at us... trying to figure out if we're fucking... like you're giving me a code or something..." She giggled a little at this thought.
Joel was heartened to see her in better spirits now, at least. He was torn between urging her to go to sleep and just listening to the angelic sound of her sweet voice all night... since it was the last time he'd hear it for God knows how long. Of course, she would eventually talk herself out and fall asleep... and then it's go time...
"Joel, seriously... what are we gonna do?"
"Don't worry about it," he said soothingly. "We'll figure somethin' out."
She did seem reassured by this, and Joel felt a pang of guilt at the reminder of how blindly she trusted him now... how she had not the faintest inkling of what was about to happen to her. She didn't even seem worried that Joel might want to revert to being father and daughter now... wasn't she worried about that before we left for California? Thinking we'd be father and daughter for the whole trip and that I might fall out of love with her as a result... we've come SO far since then...
"Where will you be tomorrow?" she asked.
"Uh... no idea." Not here... But she trusted him so much that it didn't even occur to her that he might be leaving tonight -- alone. How many times had he told her he was in this for the long haul? You and me against the world... apparently he'd told her enough times that she finally believed him. "Got the day off, remember?" he reminded her.
"Shit -- I actually forgot about our anniversary!"
Joel had, too. Unfortunate timing, that... "Not our real one." Which we'll never have...
"Fuck you -- they're all real!" She withdrew her hand so she could use it to give him a playful shove. "Man, I hope this blows over by the one you say is real. That's two months from now. Long enough for them to get over it, right?"
No chance in hell. "Maybe."
"So... hmm, do you think you'll be with Tommy tomorrow? Or can you ditch him? Cuz if Tommy's not around, I'll totally pretend I'm going somewhere else and then just go to wherever you are and we can go hide somewhere..."
"Uh... with Tommy, I think. He said he's gonna make sure we can't do shit like that. 'Fraid we're gonna have to lay low for a while, kiddo."
She sighed. "Fucking Tommy has to ruin everything."
That's his specialty. But Joel wasn't going to undermine what Tommy was trying to do here. He believed Tommy meant it when he'd said he wasn't going to turn Ellie against him (Joel's actions tonight would do that on their own anyhow -- both the leaving and the not-saying goodbye)... and he certainly didn't want her hating Tommy. -Hell, he wanted her to come to regard Tommy as a father. The father she should have had all along. The one she deserved.
"Hey." She laid her hand on top of his and give it a squeeze. "You seem kinda sad. It's gonna be okay, Joel. We've been through a lot of shit. We'll get through this, too."
He smiled weakly. "That's what I'm s'posed to be sayin' to you."
"Yeah, well, we take care of each other, right? It goes both ways."
Oh, my sweet baby girl... if you only knew...
But he was taking care of her now. She just wouldn't see it that way.
She yawned. "I'm pretty sleepy now, I think. But don't leave until you know for sure, okay?"
"Yes ma'am. Go ahead an' close your eyes."
She obliged. "Can I have a good night kiss?" she whispered, smiling angelically.
He rose enough to kiss her on the forehead.
She stifled a giggle. "Um... a real one, please. I'll be very quiet, I promise."
He brushed his lips very chastely across hers. But he lingered there... and, God help him, he couldn't deprive himself of one last sweet 'real' kiss. He pressed more firmly, parting his lips... tasting her minty-fresh sweetness. He kissed her breathless, and then kissed her some more. As if he could bank the kisses, store them up for later...
She wrapped her arms around him and tried to pull him on top of her, but he stopped short of that. He didn't want to take this too far. When he finally pulled up enough to look in her eyes, she smiled. "Damn... that was... can we keep going? If I promise not to scream 'fuck me Joel' this time?"
He returned the smile, but slithered back to his 'respectable distance.' "No, baby girl. Go to sleep now."
"I'm all awake now, though... it's pretty hot, the thought of fucking you with the door open... with their door open, too, and they're prob'ly not even asleep yet..."
Joel hadn't been too concerned about Tommy and Maria possibly hearing kissing noises and whatnot, because he figured as long as it didn't go on interminably or morph into banging-the-headboard-against-the-wall type sounds, they'd look the other way this one last time, and allow him to say goodbye to Ellie in his own way. But he doubted they'd look that far the other way... and although Ellie would probably be happy as a pig in shit if he were to take this beyond goodnight kisses, he knew she didn't expect it of him, given the circumstances. "You're a naughty girl," he scolded her.
"You love that about me." She lolled around a little... stretched her arms and yawned again, belying her 'I'm awake' comment. Joel was memorizing her every movement, down to the way her nightgown clung to her lithe young body. And it wasn't really even sexual, it was just... she was so... lovely. Absolutely beautiful, of course, but lovely is what came to mind in the moment. Lovely... perfect... and MINE, but not for much longer...
She looked at him with concern. "Joel... turn your head a little... in the light... yeah... your eyes are a little shiny! Are you okay? What's wrong? I mean... besides the obvious...?"
Damnit -- STOP with the EMOTION-- He forced a little chuckle. "It's just the obvious. I already miss kissin' you."
She relaxed. "It'll be more of a challenge than last time, but we will find time to be together. Think of it like you used to tell me: it'll be fun to miss each other again. It'll make our time together even more special."
"That's right." He took her hand in his and kissed it. "Good night, baby girl. I love you."
"Love you, too. 'Night." She closed her eyes again.
Joel rose and sat on the edge of the bed so he could stroke her hair more easily while she drifted off. He continued to memorize her... the softness of her hair, the sweet expression on her face when she was perfectly relaxed and content and about to succumb to sleep... he couldn't see her that well in the dim lighting. Couldn't sear every freckle, every hair, every contour into his mind... but it wasn't really about that. He'd been looking at her every day for so long now... he knew what she looked like. Just... he needed this one last image permanently etched in there so that he could pull it up every night and study it when he went to sleep. So that he wouldn't forget. Which was kind of a strange thing to need, considering the whole point of this was for them to move on from each other. Even if it's more about HER moving on from ME... and he really, really needed to be able to disconnect from his emotions if he had any hope of survival now... but he had every intention of coming back someday, and he needed to be okay with her having moved on from him when he was around to witness it. In that sense, he had to get over her to some extent.
Unless it's like Tommy said... if we still have the connection, years from now... then I would know it IS meant to be. They wouldn't be able to just pick up where they'd left off like nothing had happened, of course, but... it had been known to happen in the old world. People being apart for years and years, getting married and divorced to others and whatnot, and then reconnecting years down the road. It could happen...
But he had a feeling Tommy had mentioned that just to placate him. To make it sound less like he was abandoning Ellie forever by leaving right now. Joel knew that Ellie was capable of forging deep connections to others... and since she would be in a town full of people, she would have every opportunity to fill this void. So maybe in a year or two...
Do I really need to stay away for FIVE YEARS? He could understand waiting longer than a few months, but five years did seem excessive. The Ellie he was memorizing right now would no longer exist in a few years. Perhaps that would have been true of anyone on the planet, but it seemed especially true for her, given her age. What will she look like in her twenties? I bet she just keeps getting prettier and prettier. Although she's so damn pretty already, it's hard to imagine that that's even possible.
First things first -- he had to start the clock by actually leaving. He could ponder the optimal duration of his absence a good bit down the road.
It was hard to keep the emotions at bay. Hard to focus his brain on the task of serving as a recording device without being acutely aware of why. That this was the last time. "I'll always love you, baby girl," he heard himself whispering as he withdrew his hand from her hair. He didn't even know why he felt the need to verbalize it to a sleeping Ellie.
"Mm," she murmured.
He hadn't waited long enough. He slid back down to the floor and rested his chin on his arm while he continued to watch her. She ain't really awake... good. Not that there was anything suspicious about what he'd said, but... his delivery had been laden with emotion, and he felt like every fiber of his being was now broadcasting "I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU FOREVER" to her.
That was another reason he needed to leave tonight: giving himself a chance to second-guess himself was one thing, but giving Ellie a chance to sort out his intentions was quite another. How long could he fool her? In the light of day... after she'd had a chance to process everything... to analyze Joel's behavior, his words... she would figure it out sooner rather than later, and then the window of opportunity would slam shut.
He was careful not to speak aloud again, even after her breathing told him she was truly asleep now. I'm so sorry for the pain I'm about to cause you... my precious baby girl. My sweet Ellie. I've always known that I don't deserve you. Maybe by doing this... well, it won't make up for everything, but it's a step in the right direction. A step towards being the man you DO deserve.
What will you be like the next time I see you? Will you have a boyfriend? A girlfriend? Will you look back on our relationship with shame and regret? ...I won't. I should, seeing as how it's the whole reason I'm leaving, but I refuse to. I love you, goddamnit. Obviously I ain't right in the head, loving you the way I do, and I'm sorry as hell that it fucked you up, but what we had WAS special. I refuse to believe otherwise. You... are the love of my life. Plain and simple.
Will I be the love of yours? ...I sure hope not. Not if it brings you years of pain. ...Can I really stay away that long? Tommy's right, though: I HAVE to. Have to give the wounds a chance to scab over. I hope you find happiness with someone else. I hope when I come back, you're married to a fine young man you can have a family with someday, and you look at me with forgiveness in your big green eyes and welcome me back as your... dad, I guess. A girl can have more than one.
...All right, if I'm being honest, maybe I don't exactly hope for that quite yet. Maybe I still can't think of Tommy as your dad, either -- and I can't actually imagine not wanting to strangle any man who comes near you. But I'll get there, someday. ...Maybe you'll find a nice girl instead... That was a more palatable thought. And there would be alternative ways for her to have a family, when she was ready. In fact, given her background, he could see her fully embracing the idea of adopting a child who needed a home. Whatever your life looks like in a few years, baby girl, it'll be better than the one you have now... I can promise you that...
Joel watched Ellie sleep for hours. He nodded off himself a couple times, and was awakened by the baby crying -- fortunately, Ellie kept right on sleeping, even though the door was still open. He wondered if she sensed his presence and found it soothing enough to remain unconscious, somehow. ...Or maybe I just like to tell myself this bullshit to justify things that can't be justified.
Maria approached the room... he could hear her footsteps... but she stopped short, out of sight. She could probably see Joel's legs on the floor... probably knew he was reluctant to leave... she had obviously decided not to wake him up and send him on his way. Maybe she figured he'd been too hasty when he'd declared he would leave immediately... that he needed to sleep on it after all.
But Joel didn't need to sleep on it. He knew what he had to do, and he knew that the time to do it was now. The dark sky was just barely starting to lighten when he kissed Ellie goodbye once more -- chastely this time, so as not to wake her. He caressed her cheek, dusting his fingertips ever-so-lightly over her smooth skin. He took one last, lingering look from the doorway... drinking her in one last time.
And then he was gone.
~Continue to Chapter 37~