"Singularity" Chapter 37: "Escape the Dungeon" [37/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 37: "Escape the Dungeon" [37/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,508
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
As she began to awaken, a vague sense of unease awakened within her as well... Ellie just had a feeling that something was wrong. A second later, the specifics dawned on her: Joel wasn't beside her because they'd gotten busted in just about the worst possible way, and now their romantic activities were severely restricted as a result.
But then she felt something else, something more... gut-level sinister? More visceral. And she had no idea where that came from. Probably just all this shit... and worrying about Joel... it's early, I'll bet he's still asleep. I'm totally going to sneak in there and surprise him! She knew she shouldn't... that she had to keep up appearances and lead Tommy and Maria to believe she was on the path towards becoming the sweet little daughter again... but the house was quiet. If no one else was up, surely she could sneak in a quick snuggle. Maybe sit on the floor, like he had... with the door open... "See, guys? Nothing PERVERTED going on here! I just love him, that's all!"
Ellie padded over to his room, found the door open... and the bed empty. Empty, but neatly made. Looking kinda like he hadn't even slept in it...
Because he slept with ME? She knew he'd been in her room for a long time. She had quasi-woken up a couple times (at least once due to the baby crying), and her mostly-asleep brain had registered that he was still there with her. Like he was reluctant to leave. Poor Joel... he doesn't like sleeping without me any more than I like sleeping without him!
But... where was he? She crept down the hallway, checking on Grayson... and Tommy and Maria, with their door still open... all three of them were still asleep, from the looks of things. Joel wasn't in the bathroom, but she had to pee, so she 'checked' there, too. She splashed water on her face... and rinsed the sleep out of her mouth with mouthwash, because when she found Joel downstairs, she knew the coast would be totally clear to plant a big wet one on him.
Ellie went downstairs and checked every room, checked outside... no Joel. She went back upstairs and looked in her room again, in case he'd left her a note she'd overlooked. Meeting someone in secret only worked if the other party knew where to go! Did he go back to our house? We didn't decide anything, though... he just said we'll figure it out... and the sun's not even all the way up yet, too early for him to go to work -- especially if he's going somewhere with Tommy, who's still here! And especially-especially since as of last night, he still had the day off. Their only plans, prior to the bust, had been to secretly enjoy their ten-month anniversary. In private. Ugh... Tommy fucked up EVERYTHING... it was their first anniversary back in town, and Ellie had planned to make it as special as she could...
Fuck, where IS he? Maybe... he just went for a walk or something? Maybe he thought he'd be back before I woke up?
She just... had to know where Joel was. Wherever he was, he'd taken all his gear -- and he usually didn't take more than two guns with him anywhere on the Inside.
A tendril of fear was already coiling itself around her innards; it was getting harder to dismiss that gut feeling as mere paranoia. He WAS being a little weird last night -- he was almost CRYING -- which could possibly be attributed to the upsetting situation they were facing, sure, but this icky feeling she had... she didn't really think Joel would be crying over this. Something was very wrong.
Fuck it -- Ellie decided she was going to wake up Tommy or Maria. Preferably Tommy, since Maria needed the sleep more... and, well, he was Joel's brother. Plus this whole thing was his fault, of course! She stood in the doorway and looked at the big people-shaped lumps in the center of the bed for a moment. "Tommy? Are you awake?" she whispered so loudly it could barely be categorized as a whisper.
Silence.
"Tommy? ...Maria?" she tried again.
The Tommy-lump stirred. Slowly sat up, rubbed his eyeballs with his fists, and looked at her. "What is it, honey?" he whispered, already moving to get out of bed, probably to avoid waking Maria if he could help it.
She motioned for him to come out in the hallway, because she didn't really want to wake Maria, either. He slipped into a bathrobe and tied it on his way out of the room -- because apparently, jammy pants alone weren't sufficient cover for her not-even-innocent-anymore eyes (pfffff). (...Or, yes, maybe he did actually feel chilled.)
"I'm worried about Joel," she told him before he could ask what was wrong a second time. "He's not in his bed and... I thought he was supposed to spend the day with you? So you could like babysit him? But you're still here, obviously, so..."
Tommy's expression had slackened from concern into non-concern as soon as she mentioned Joel's name. "Don't worry about him. He's fine."
"How do you know?" She frowned. "I know you're pissed at him right now, but... he is still your brother, you know. And I'm worried he might... I dunno..." ...hurt himself? Would Joel do that? That was the thought that popped into her mind, though. No, that's ridiculous, he wouldn't do that... if nothing else, he knows it would fuck me up too bad...
"Let's go downstairs an' talk, all right? I don't wanna wake anyone."
He knows something! She almost demanded that he spill it right there in the hallway, but she dutifully descended the stairs and parked her ass on the couch, her eyes following him expectantly. It had taken him an extra second or two to softly close the bedroom door, but it seemed like he was lagging way behind, moving slowly on purpose. He's not the biggest morning person, I know, but damn... is he stalling for some reason?
He sat right beside her. "Ellie... I'm so sorry to have to tell you this..."
JESUS FUCK-- "Something happened to him! Oh my God--"
"No, sweetheart -- I just told you he's fine, remember? I wasn't lyin'." He put his arm around her shoulders...
...but she jerked away. Scooted away from him a little, just out of reach. If Joel wasn't allowed to comfort her anymore, she certainly wasn't going to let Tommy do it! "But something's wrong. Tell me!"
Tommy looked at her very soberly. "He's gone. He left last night."
"Left for where?" she demanded.
"I honestly don' know for sure. He just left."
She frowned at him, confused and annoyed. "How do you not know? Where did you send him? Are you trying to keep us apart by sending him to the dam or something? To Farm 4? Idaho? Where?!"
He kept looking at her, inexplicably stumped by this very simple question. "Can I get you some juice? We've got--"
"No, I don't want any fucking juice," she seethed. Does he think I'm five years old and can be distracted with goodies?! "I wanna know where Joel is!"
"He left town. That's all you need to know. It's for the best."
...for the best... FOR THE BEST?! "What the fuck are you talking about? Where did he go? Tell me!"
"Truly, I don' know, Ellie. Honest to God. He didn't tell me where he was goin'."
She blinked. "Again -- how do you not know?! You sent him!"
"I did not. I promise you. It wasn't for... business of any kind. He just left of his own accord."
Jesus fucking-- "Without me? He knows he's not supposed to-- ugghhhh -- Okay, whatever -- so when will he back?"
He hesitated to answer.
"Tell me, Tommy!" She was beyond caring who she woke up now.
"He ain't comin' back, honey. I'm so sorry."
That... made no fucking sense. "Uh... I must've heard that wrong. Did you say... he's not coming back?"
Tommy nodded.
No... NO, this can't be happening! Ellie shook her head. "You're wrong. Joel would never leave me. He promised!"
"I know he did. But circumstances have changed. He... realized it was in your best interest if he wasn't around. It ain't that he don't love you no more, or anything like that. He just--"
"That's fucking bullshit!" She sprang to her feet and glowered down at him. "You'd better fucking tell me right now where he went!"
Tommy stood up, too, and stepped toward her. "I don' know where he went. I swear."
Oh my God -- if only I'd put my jeans on -- but since she hadn't put them on, she didn't have her switchblade on her. ...Which was probably a good thing, because she couldn't... not to Tommy... but her anger was mounting in a hurry, and she had to get him to tell her where Joel went! "If you don't tell me, I'll-- ... I'll just go find him myself!" She turned to run back up to her room to get dressed.
But Tommy grabbed her arm to hold her in place. "I can't let you do that. You won't make it past the gate anyhow -- I instructed everyone not to let you out. With or without an adult, so you can't go find yourself an escort, either."
He's fucking serious. He sent Joel away, and now he won't tell me where he is and won't let me go after him! She jerked out of his grasp and scowled. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that?"
"To keep you safe. That's what we all want for you."
"I'm safe with Joel!"
Tommy chuckled bitterly. "No you ain't. Yesterday proved that."
"Oh my God... are you fucking kidding me? How can you--" Before she even knew what she was doing, her fist was swinging--
But he seemed to be anticipating this and managed to block the blow, taking hold of her arm again. "I know you're mad, but--"
"Mad? Mad?! I'm beyond mad. I'm fucking furious!" She caught sight of Maria at the top of the stairs, and realized the baby was now crying. Ellie didn't give a fuck about the fact that she might have just woken him up with all her yelling. She wrenched away from Tommy and hurried over to the staircase. "Maria! Maria, Tommy just told me Joel left! Is it true?"
She nodded, biting her lip... looking like she wanted to cry. Between the hormones and the sleep deprivation, though, crying wasn't unusual for Maria these days.
Sensing weakness, Ellie flew up the stairs and got right in her face. "You have to tell me where he is! Please -- I'm begging you -- "
"He didn't say where he was going. I'm sure he knew you would hound us until we told you, so..."
"This is all your fault! Both of you! And you--" --she poked Maria in the chest-- "didn't want him living here! What did you say to him?"
Much to her annoyance, she felt Tommy grab her from behind. He dragged her back a few steps, and she laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, relax -- I'm not gonna hurt her. Jesus."
Tommy let go without her having to break free this time. "If you wanna be pissed at someone, be pissed at me," he said. "It was my idea. Not hers."
"What?" Ellie knew that was a lie. "No... you told us to come stay with you--"
"I did, an' then I thought about it some more, and... it's the only thing that made sense." He nodded to Maria. "Babe, you wanna get him? I got this."
Ellie focused her rage on Tommy again as Maria exited the line of fire by entering the baby's room. "It makes the least fucking sense of anything I've ever heard! Is that why you guys wanted me to go to the movies? So you could threaten him? You promised you wouldn't hurt him, and then-- You made him leave!" Of course! Joel would never leave her 'of his own accord.' She merely pushed Tommy this time. For a fleeting moment, she imagined him tumbling down the stairs and cracking his head open...
...and the mental image didn't disturb her at all. That's how insanely fucking livid she was!
Tommy just stood there. "Let's go back down--"
"Where did he go? California? ...Boston?"
"He didn't say." Tommy just kept repeating this with a patience that really got under Ellie's skin.
She wasn't going to push him down the stairs. What she wanted was to fucking beat the truth out of him. It just didn't make sense! True, Joel had been kind of a pussy with Tommy yesterday... but there was no way he could've felt so intimidated that he would just leave. No fucking way. Not after everything he'd said to her... everything they'd done... Not after MAKING LOVE to me the way he does. There's no way! "How did you get him to do it? What did you hold over his head?"
"Nothin'. We just talked an' he came to the same conclusion I did. It's best for you if--"
"BullSHIT! It's best for you, you mean!" She pushed him again.
"Ellie... c'mon. Sit down." He sat on the top step and patted the spot next to him. Like he was taunting her into pushing him down the stairs!
Only it probably wouldn't even hurt if he just somersaulted down...
But I DID hurt Caleb when I pushed him...
She just started pacing the floor instead -- a move she'd borrowed from the absent Joel. "Joel promised he would never go anywhere Outside again unless I was with him. After you guys thought I was missing that one time. He fucking promised. And... to not even say goodbye?!"
"I reckon he said it in his own way last night," Tommy replied softly.
Ellie's heart lurched. He did... Joel hadn't been acting a little weird because he was going to go kill himself or something: he knew he was about to kill ME! "He knew he couldn't say goodbye to me, or he'd never go," she realized out loud.
"That's exactly right. He loves you too much... in his own way."
"...'In his own way'? You said that yesterday, too. What, like he doesn't really? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Ellie strode towards him.
As if sensing danger, Tommy abandoned his seat at the top of the stairs and retreated into Ellie's room. "He does love you, all right? He's just got his own... mental issues, an' whatnot... he's sick... and unfortunately, you're sufferin' the consequences. But--"
"What mental issues? He's not-- Jesus fucking Christ -- Joel is the one who keeps me sane! But you don't care about that, do you! Do you!" She felt the hot prick of tears behind her eyeballs -- but she wouldn't give Tommy the satisfaction of seeing her cry about what he'd done.
"Of course I care." His maddening calm was even more maddening than Joel's! "We knew it was gonna be hard on you. But Maria an' me... we're here for you. We're gonna help you through--"
"Oh my fucking GOD -- if you really cared, you wouldn't just-- just fucking rip Joel right out of my arms and throw him away! The person I care about -- more than anyone else --" she spluttered.
"I know it hurts, honey... I'm so sorry," Tommy said pitifully. As in FULL OF PITY for her; it was disgusting.
"You are not-- UUUUUGGGGHHHH!" she screamed in rage as she grabbed the nearest heavy object -- the bedside lamp -- and yanked on the cord 'til it came free of the wall.
"Ellie, don't--"
Tommy moved towards her, but he was too late -- she smashed the lamp with all of her might...
...just like she had that night at the base, with that soldier... DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT--
...only this time, she shattered it against the wall. The body of the lamp was like glass or ceramic or something, so shards of it flew everywhere, but she didn't give a fuck. It felt pretty fucking satisfying, actually.
"Ellie... you've gotta calm down..."
She rounded on him, and was pleased to note him plucking a piece of lamp out of his robed arm. "I don't have to do anything -- except find Joel! That's what I'm gonna do."
"You've got glass--"
"I don't care about fucking glass! Get the fuck out of my room so I can get-- oh wait, that's right -- you've already seen me naked, haven't you? So who cares?" She started yanking her nightgown up over her head.
It had the desired effect of making Tommy flee the room immediately. "I didn't see you naked, all right? Christ..."
"Yes you did! And you think Joel's a pervert?! Hey, Maria!" she called loudly. "Your husband saw me naked! Did he tell you that part of the story? Yeah -- that's how he caught us. He was fucking spying on me and Joel having sex yesterday! Totally getting off on it! Bet you didn't know you were married to such a--"
"Watch it, missy." Tommy reappeared in the doorway, showing more anger than she'd seen from him this entire time.
Finally! She kind of wished she hadn't let her nightgown drop back down into place, so then he'd really see her naked (or half naked) and he wouldn't be able to deny it... but fuck, she didn't really want Tommy seeing her naked, did she?! Gross! "Get out!" she screamed at him, and she marched right over there and slammed the door in his face. "I hate you! Both of you! I'm going to find Joel and we're going to just fuck like crazy all day, every day -- and we're never gonna speak to either of you ever again!"
She practically ripped her nightgown off, and yanked her clothes on just as roughly. She found specks of blood here and there... from the glass, she supposed... it gave her a tiny bit of satisfaction to imagine Tommy having to come in here and clean it up later. It was quiet out there now, so she assumed Tommy was finally ready to leave her alone. Good! She'd already wasted too much time. Joel was here just a little while ago... I KNOW he was... he kissed me when I was sleeping and it half woke me up but then I dozed for a minute until that queasy feeling came over me... ...fuck, it was probably longer than a minute...
It must have been so hard for him to leave her. They said he left last night, but she knew he'd been with her all night. Because he couldn't bear to leave me!
As far as Ellie was concerned, this entire thing was Tommy's fault. Maria hadn't helped matters... and those nasty looks she'd sent Joel at dinner had not escaped Ellie's notice... but ultimately, it was Tommy who had bullied Joel into leaving. He was the true evil one here, preying on Joel when he was confused and ashamed.
And so it pained her to have to go speak to him after she'd packed up her shit (which hadn't taken long, since she'd barely unpacked anything last night). But I HAVE to ask him... Tommy was sitting on the couch, all casual-like... just hanging out, waiting for her?
"You ready to talk now?" he asked her coolly.
"Yes," she replied. She went and stood in front of him, backpacked up and all ready to go, except... "If you're ready to tell me where Joel went."
"I honestly don' know. Didn't want to know. For your sake."
She hadn't really expected him to tell her; she suspected he might even be telling the truth. She could totally see Joel telling himself that he was protecting her -- as if she would just happily stay put in town if she didn't know exactly where to go. "Fine, don't tell me. Can you tell me where you went last night? Were you getting him a horse or something?" A spark of hope flared inside her. It's still early! If Joel's getting one himself, he might still be--
"He didn't plan on takin' a horse. He was goin' on foot. I went an' fetched him some provisions. Past storehouse hours so I let myself in."
"What kind of provisions? He could've just taken food and stuff from our house. Not like you gave us enough time to pack it all up or anything."
"I felt like it was the least I could do to help him on his way. I don' know what all it was... the usual. Jerky... bread... ammo..."
"They don't keep ammo there."
"Nope, but I got him some. -One thing I did think was strange... he wanted strawberry preserves. This whole time I thought it was you that liked that, not him. He never used to care for it."
...Of course! THAT'S where he's going! She didn't bother to thank Tommy for the information, though. He didn't deserve her thanks after what he'd done to Joel! She just turned away without even the courtesy of a goodbye.
"I already told you, you can't leave," he reminded her. "The gates all have instructions not to let you out, and I just called 'em again. Everyone's on alert."
Ellie smirked and flounced out the door. She didn't care what orders the gates had -- she was going to find someone to help her. And she could just imagine the gossip that would soon be flying around town.
Then it hit her: I'm LEAVING. Leaving and never coming back this time. She wasn't saying goodbye to anyone... not even to Annie, or Clicker... but they don't matter right now -- ONLY JOEL. He was the only one she needed. He was a part of her very being. She couldn't live without him. If she couldn't find him...
I WILL find him. I know where he's going -- and I bet he's taking the jeep. Even if he wasn't, it wasn't like it was that far out of the way. She could figure out what she was going to say to him on the way down there. Fuck -- first I have to figure out a plan to find him! I don't know EXACTLY where he is, but if I find the jeep gone, he'll probably be on the highway--
But first-first... she had to escape her prison.
* * * * * * *
"Okay, so... what is it they say in movies... I can make it worth your while? ...You know. Like... yeah. If you just... er... I can come up there and... uh... get on my knees, and... YOU KNOW..."
Ellie had sunk to a new low.
...Did I really just do that?! I did. I fucking DID.
And I'm NEVER telling Joel.
Oh, she didn't actually blow the guy. She'd just offered to.
And he had refused. He had refused! It was too bad they didn't let teenagers work the gates. More than one had approached her back when people thought she was a slut who handed out BJs left and right -- just joking around, maybe, but if Joel was right about them being horny little bastards...
Well, Buster wasn't that much older than a teenager... he was like, twenty-three or something. Maybe he thought it would make dinner at his sister Chelsea's house a little awkward... he doesn't know I'm never coming back! ...Maybe it's just because we weren't alone, since they always guard in pairs... Jason W. was in the other tower so it was a little weird? That particular Jason was married, so she had gambled on Buster instead. Other Jason (not present at the moment) was Idaho-new and possibly oblivious to that drama, if it really had died down after she and Joel left, like she'd been told. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough for most people... Joel just has weird taste? ...OBVIOUSLY he does, because everyone's so grossed out by us! 'Everyone' being just Tommy and Maria, but still. According to them, the entire town would be disgusted.
She probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it anyway... but fuck, she was getting desperate! She'd been to all the gates and not managed to even come close to persuading anyone to let her out. She should've known; Tommy and Maria's minions were fiercely loyal. Probably scared shitless of getting kicked out of town or something... Apparently they had all been instructed to report it to Tommy if she showed up; would Buster report the attempted bribe as well? That gate had been her last stop, and the men had informed her that they had orders to escort her home. She had scoffed at that, told them she didn't have a home anymore because Tommy was an asshole, and even managed to conjure up a few tears. Let them wonder about THAT! And while they'd seemed somewhat sympathetic to her plight, they still refused to let her out. The best she could achieve was that they didn't escort her 'home': instead, they agreed to say that she'd run off before one of them could descend the towers and collect her.
She could have gone one step further, and threatened them at gunpoint... she would never be coming back here anyway, so what did she care, right? And they were in her way, so...
But what if they called my bluff? Fuck. Is THAT what I'm gonna have to do to get out of here? SHOOT somebody?!
She wondered if Joel would do that if their roles were flipped here... if he was the one who couldn't get out to go after her. She wondered this for all of three seconds before concluding that yes he would. Would he offer to blow a guy, though? ...Not so sure about that!
To stay one step ahead of the enemy, it helped to think like them. What would Tommy do now that she was on the loose in the town, when he wanted her home? Send his goons out to search for her? Maybe. Anticipate that she'd go find a friend to plot with instead of going home? Like Annie? ...Possibly. Or he might do nothing at all. She'd been kind of surprised that he had wanted her to come home, after the things she'd said to him. Who would want to be around a person who so obviously hated them?
Hopefully he wouldn't suspect her of going to where she actually was going: Max's house.
If only HE'D been working one of the gates! She wouldn't have had to offer him sexual favors -- not that he would've accepted anyway. Except... well, there was also his distrust, or dislike, of Joel. Maybe he'd tell her "this is for the best" too... ugh! He had helped her Out before, but that had been legit -- plus, Joel had been the one she was pissed at.
She truly wasn't upset with Joel this time. All her rage was directed squarely where it belonged: at his asshole brother, who had taken advantage of Joel's misplaced guilt. Preyed on his doubts and kicked him when he was down.
It was still pretty early in the day, not a lot of people out and about yet... which made her feel confident that Max would be home. She ran all the way there (no time to waste, especially if Tommy realized what she was up to!) and started pounding on the door, calling to him while she panted for breath. "Max! -- Maaaaxxxx! -- It's Ellie! -- Are you -- awake? Sorry -- if you're -- not, but -- CAN YOU WAKE UP PLEASE?!?!? -- -- -- I need your help! -- Maaaaaax! It's Ellie! -- In case you didn't -- hear that part!" She stopped hollering long enough to finally catch her breath.
"Just a sec, sunshine..."
"Oh good, you're home! Open the door!" ...As if he wasn't going to?
It took him forever to get to the door, but she supposed he had to put pants on and stuff. As soon as the door opened, she pushed past him and slammed it behind her. "No one can know I'm here!"
"What's goin' on?" He looked her over, the same way Joel sometimes did if he was trying to determine how okay she was.
"I have to get out of here!" she cried. "But fucking Tommy told all the gates not to let me out! Not even with an adult so don't worry, I won't ask you to-- except how am I gonna get out? Could you maybe smuggle me out somehow? Like if I hide in a cart or something? And he told the last guy to bring me home but luckily he just let me go -- so I really need to leave before Tommy figures it out and locks me up or something cuz he doesn't want me to leave!"
"Slow down," he chuckled. "Why do you have to get out of here?"
"That's not important!" she said dismissively. "Just trust me, I really need this! I'll beg you if you want!"
Max regarded her skeptically. "Your friend know you're here?"
'Your friend' was how he usually referred to Joel. "No! He can't help me!" Should I tell him I'm going after Joel, or will that make Max take Tommy's side and want to keep me in? ...Yeah, I can't risk that... ...oh! I know what to say!-- "--He's on Tommy's side!" It wasn't even a lie; Joel and Tommy did agree on this, even if it was only because Tommy had basically brainwashed Joel into it.
Max just kept looking at her with a puzzled expression. "What the hell happened? You in some kind of trouble?"
"No! I mean... sort of? But not really! Just... please please pleeeeeease help me, and I won't tell anyone it was you, you won't get in trouble or anything--"
"Psh, I ain't worried about that."
"So you'll help me?" she asked hopefully, fixing him with her most beguiling look -- one that usually worked on Joel.
"I didn't say that. I need to know what's goin' on first."
Ugh, I don't have TIME for this-- "No you don't! You really don't! Look -- you and Joel disagree about things, right? So isn't it enough to know that he doesn't want me Out?"
"But you said it was Tommy, too. He's been real good to me."
Ellie groaned. "Everyone thinks Tommy's so wonderful... but he has no right to keep me here! He's not my father -- neither is Joel -- and I've spent more time Out in the past two years than In, so it's not like I'm helpless -- plus I don't even need to go that far!" Or so she hoped. And once she found Joel... being with him was practically as safe as being Inside!
Max sighed. "Still wish you'd tell me what the fuck happened."
He's weakening! "I can't tell you. It's sort of like a... family secret, I guess?" Tommy had referred to it as a family matter yesterday, or family business...
Max chuckled. "You just finished telling me how not-family they are to you. Come sit down and tell me--"
"No! I need to go! You just have to trust me!"
He looked at her thoughtfully... and it seemed like maybe he was on the verge of making a decision. "Well... does this have anything to do with you... not getting infected?"
What the fuck? "Uh... what do you mean?"
"Your... resistance. To the Cordyceps."
OH MY GOD-- "How do you know about that? ...Did you see it? No, you couldn't have... you would've freaked out..."
"See what?"
Now she wondered if he was just fishing. But still -- how did he even know these were fishable waters?! "So... no, you haven't seen it. Okay -- never mind, then! Dude, I don't know what you're talking about." ...Little late for that now, Ellie! "This is like a... a personal thing. But please -- I really have to go and I'm afraid Tommy might come hunt me down so if you're not gonna help me, I'll just go find another way!" She turned to run out.
But -- just like she'd hoped he would -- Max stepped between her and the door. "Wait a minute, would you? I didn't say I wouldn't help you. ...So what I should do is... deliver you back to Tommy?"
"What? No! Fuck that! I will hurt you if you even try to--"
He just laughed. "Chill, sunshine. If you're really that desperate... I'll help you. I'll even go back to bed after so if Tommy comes beating down my door--"
"Thank you!" she cut him off and gave him a quick-but-fierce hug. "Okay so -- what do we do?"
"...I have an idea. It'll get you Out, but not back In."
"That's perfect! I don't need to get back In! -I mean -- when I come back then I can go through a gate." She mentally patted herself on the back for saying 'when' when it wasn't even an 'if' situation; clearly she and Joel weren't welcome here anymore. But she didn't want Max to have second thoughts about helping her!
"How long you plan on being gone?"
"I dunno... a while?"
"More than a day?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"...And that's all you're bringing? No tent, or--"
"Yes! It's fine! Can we just go-- or just tell me what to do and I'll leave you alone and you can pretend you never saw me!"
"I gotta go with you. You got a blanket in there, at least?"
"No! I don't need one!" She groaned as he ignored this and went to go fetch her one.
He returned with the tiniest blanket Ellie had ever seen. It looked like a little palm-sized canvas square. "Here. It ain't the best, but it's better than nothing, and it's nice and light. See, you just unfold it like--"
"Okay, can you just stuff it in there please so we can go?!"
But he asked what kind of food she had... water... weapons... Ellie wanted to scream. She practically did scream at him in the end, declaring once again that she was just going to leave without him if they didn't go right now. She knew she should appreciate that he was looking out for her, but he didn't seem to appreciate the urgency of the situation! If Tommy found her... would he use those fucking handcuffs to lock me up if he felt like he had to?! To "keep me safe"? Uuuggghhh!
She would literally go insane if he locked her up, in a room or with the handcuffs or any other way.
Finally, they were on their way, and at least Max was moving quickly once they left his house. He said they needed to go somewhere far enough between the gates that she wouldn't be spotted -- "they can see farther out than you'd think" -- and he knew the wall well enough to know where such a place would be... but if there was a patrol out there, she'd be fucked -- assuming they got the same messages the gates did over the walkie talkies they carried. She just had to risk it. At least Max seemed reasonably sure that there wouldn't be a patrol out this early.
They arrived at a solitary stretch of border wall in Ghost Town, and Max turned to her. "You said you're good with walls."
"I am! If you can boost me up there, I can get over."
"It's a long ways down, though, so you--"
"Pfff-- I know how to get down off a wall. Don't jump -- hang down first and drop, to shorten the distance."
Max nodded. "Good. How about electric fences?"
Too much fucking security here! Ellie worried at her lip. "Um... not much experience with those. But they're not always on, right? Do you know if they're on right now?"
"They were yesterday. No crazy weather since then and haven't heard of any incidents with the power, so I'd say they're on."
"Okay, but we can turn them off. Right?"
"We could... if we knew more about how they operate and where the fuses are and things like that. A maintenance person could prob'ly help with--"
"No time for that! So what do I do?" she wailed.
"Well, I do know one thing: only the horizontal wires are electric. The verticals, you can touch."
"Great. How the fuck do I climb using the verticals? Stick my foot in sideways? How would it not slide down and touch the--"
"Noooooo nothing like that. You can't climb over with the barbed wire on top. But -- I think there's enough space in between the poles that if you lift the bottom up a bit, tugging on the vertical part, you can slither on through, underneath. You're little enough. But that's gonna be hard to do on your own. I was thinking I can go steal a ladder, climb over the wall--"
"What, steal it from all the way in Craig's office?!" That was way on the other end of town!
"Or, if we're lucky, the guys left one at a job they're doing that's multiple days' work. Those motherfuckers are heavy to be lugging around, and obviously they're too big to stick in a wheelbarrow... too big and odd-shaped for a dolly..."
"Joel worked yesterday and I know he wouldn't have left one out." That felt like a loooooong time ago, not less than a day! She hadn't even thought to ask him if they'd finished the job, come to think of it. We were a little distracted by all the hot sex... and then everything blowing up on us!
"You sure?"
"Yeah. He's weird -- he likes carrying heavy shit." Not totally true, really, but she figured toting a ladder around was one of those things he'd consider a good workout? If not, he would've at least stashed it inside the house they were working on, for safekeeping. "Fuck, I don't know which house he was at yesterday! That would be one to not go to. Ugghhh -- okay, so I'm just gonna see if I can do it myself, and if I can't, I'll let you know?"
"I could also go out the gate and come around to help you from the other side."
"No! That would look too suspicious! Hopefully I can do it. Just wait until you hear me yell, 'kay? I'll try to be quick in case someone wonders why you're over here talking to a wall..."
Max chuckled. "Take your time. Anyone comes near, I'll just make it look like I'm pissing on the wall. Bet they'll walk right on by."
"Ha!" Ellie really wished she had a dick sometimes. "Except why the fuck would you come all the way over here specifically to piss on it? Whatever -- okay, let's do this!"
"One more thing -- take your backpack off before you go under. You're gonna need to just chuck it on over. You gotta make sure to clear the fence, though, 'cause if it gets caught--"
"Got it," she said impatiently. "Boost me!"
The boosting part was easy, at least. Ellie had never been on top of the Jackson wall. She could only take a moment to savor the view up there, too paranoid about being seen to linger. She hung down by her arms and dropped, landing on her feet yet still taking a little tumble.
"You okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine!" She hopped up and didn't even bother to brush herself off. She was about to get down on the ground again anyway, wasn't she? She shed the backpack... and decided to stuff her holster belt and guns in there, too. In case they might get caught on a wire. "I better do a couple practice throws first!" If it's too heavy to get it up high enough, maybe I can squeeze it underneath... She could probably even kick it through. But tossing it did seem safest, and if she did it underhand -- yeah, I have to go HIGH, not FAR, so...
After a couple practice throws -- towards the wall -- Ellie felt like she had a good enough feel for how to launch it successfully. What angle, when to release it, how much force was needed. She could actually hear Joel in her head, giving her pointers. However, the problem with listening to the Joel in her head was that unless she was recalling a prior lesson, he could only tell her useful stuff after she learned it herself by trial and error. Maybe that's how the ACTUAL Joel knows so much: lots of trial and error over the years.
One... two... three!
...YES!
The Joel in her head was proud of her... but he was a poor substitute for the real thing.
At least Max was here to witness her throwing prowess. Oh -- right -- except he can't see! He was stuck on the other side of the wall. She moved closer to it to talk to him. "Made it! Easily! Now if I can just get myself through that easily..."
"Take it slow. Prob'ly easier to lay on your back and wiggle through that way, so you can see... and move your arms more naturally. Keep your fingers tensed up."
Ellie was hesitant to even touch the thing. As she reached for it tentatively, an ancient memory bubbled up: from when they'd first arrived in Jackson, and Joel had acted like he was going to test the fence with his hand... then her hand. Just trying to make her smile. Then she'd confessed that she was afraid maybe Tommy wouldn't want her there. She was supposed to be with the Fireflies and Joel was supposed to return by himself, after all.
So Joel told me we're a package deal. Can't have one without the other. ...And then he just fucking LEAVES me a year later?
She was so fucking furious with Tommy... and the anger didn't leave much room to feel the actual pain she knew was lurking there underneath it. The pain of Joel abandoning her after promising he wouldn't.
Fuck -- just CONCENTRATE -- deal with your stupid emotions later! The only UNDERNEATH thing you have to deal with is the literal kind! The fence was a little too far away from the wall to speak to Max, even in a 'normal shouting voice.' She ran back over to the wall. "Uh... Max? What happens if I accidentally touch it? The electric part, I mean. And don't mess with me cuz I'm not in the mood!"
"...So don't ask if you've seen how the little cartoon dudes turn into black poofs of--"
"No! Fuck you!"
"Haha... okay... you know, I ain't sure? I know it's set at a high enough voltage to give you a good shock, but it won't kill you. You're young... your heart can take it."
"So it's gonna give me a heart attack?! People die from those!"
"Just don't touch it, then."
She snorted. "Gee, thanks. Okay... I guess you'll be able to hear it if I fry myself?"
"I can still go find a ladder--"
"No -- I'm going!"
"Know what else I can do... I can find something to drag over here, big enough to climb on and get over... then I can hold the fence up for you. MIGHT be able to sneak back in through the gate without anyone seeing if they're not paying attention--"
"Don't worry, I can do it!" She wasn't sure what he meant about sneaking through the gate, but she didn't know the whole perimeter setup of where the fences started tapering off into the gates and stuff like that. Whatever-- "Thanks anyway!" she added.
Even though the vertical wires were allegedly safe, she cringed and held her breath before pinching one with her fingers... nothing happened. Max was right! She pinched another one, resisting the urge to rest her hands against them and grasp them normally; there wasn't enough room in between the horizontal wires for that. She tested the give of the fence, tugging it upward. There wasn't a lot of slack. Like, at all. But she didn't need a ton... Yeah, okay... I can do this... She lay down on her side, as close to the fence as she dared...
And then got up and ran back to the wall to ask another question.
"Hey... Max? Does the bottom one count as a horizontal wire? It looks a little different."
"Far as I know."
"Damn," she muttered. "Okay..."
"Are you SURE you don't want me to--"
"Yes! Stay there! I won't come back again, I swear -- I'm just going to let out a big whoop from the other side so you'll know I made it!"
She ran back to the fence and lay down beside it again. Pinched an un-shocking wire near the bottom with her left hand and pushed it up enough to slide her right arm underneath it, rolling onto her back as she went... but this angle wasn't going to work. She couldn't lift enough of it to just slide on through length-wise, like she probably could if Max was lifting it with both hands spread wide apart. Nope, she was going to have to do it the long way...
She tried not to imagine a blackened cartoon Ellie body sprawled out there for a patrol to find. Ugh!
No way -- you got this, Ellie... you're halfway and not even breaking a sweat... although that might just be cuz it's kinda cold out here...
Her hands felt shaky as fuck, for some reason... it was the odd strain it put on her fingers, she supposed. When her hips were through, she twisted enough to sit up and yank the thing higher -- swung her legs around, and --
I'm Out!
"Woohooooooo!" she whooped to Max. She wanted to say goodbye, and to thank him properly, but if she kept yelling and he couldn't catch the words, he might think something was wrong and come after her, which would probably alert Tommy that she'd escaped -- not only that, but it would indicate in which direction she'd escaped.
She should probably feel a little guilty about lying to Max... like, how would he feel when she never came back, and he knew that he was the one who--
Nah, he'll be fine-- in the past, he'd shown her that he wasn't one to dwell on shit like that. On things like guilt. Besides, Ellie just couldn't care about that right now! She couldn't care about anyone or anything that wasn't Joel. He was all that mattered.
She collected her backpack and took off running into the trees as fast as she could. She was going to have to swing back around to go catch the highway... fuck, I hope I can remember enough without that useless map! She was pretty sure she could get to the jeep; they'd done that a few times now, since they'd been back. Their 'Sunday joyrides,' as Joel liked to call them. More like 'Sunday hikes,' since they spent way more time walking to and from the jeep than driving it! And today is Sunday... we WERE going to take today off from the hike... ha. Nope!
Ellie knew how important it was to be cognizant of her surroundings at all times, even when she was with Joel -- they might get separated, or he might fall on a fucking rebar and force her to take over -- but that didn't seem to prevent her from getting lazy about it sometimes when she was with him. How the fuck does he do it? How can he stay so fucking alert all the time? For weeks on end. Months, even. He had good instincts, which he liked to say can't be taught... but Ellie felt like it was also a skill. How could it not be, if she had improved it over time herself? She liked to think she was honing it... following in Joel's footsteps... that one day, she would be as awesome at everything as he was.
Ellie stopped running when her body demanded it, and even then, she didn't completely stop moving. She knew she couldn't run the entire hour and a half or whatever it was to get to the jeep -- she just needed that initial burst of speed to distance herself from Jackson quickly, in case anyone had heard her yelling and then tried to find her. She didn't know why they would, unless Tommy had gotten freaked out when the blowjob-rejecting dude informed him that she'd run off. Maybe he would send people out looking for her?
She was counting on the fact that they would limit the search to looking in town... for a good long while, probably. Max would cover for her, and she felt like he was probably a good liar. He reminded her of Joel in some ways... and that was one of the ways she felt they were likely to be similar. When she'd cheekily suggested to Joel that maybe the reason he didn't like Max was that he reminded him of himself, Joel had gotten all mad and denied it and said the reason was because Max was an arrogant asshole. Or something along those lines.
Fuck, Joel... why did you leave me?
She knew why: fucking Tommy. But her heart still kept asking the question anyway. Over and over, until the words lost their meaning. She tried to do what Joel did -- using his Outside 'mindfulness' or whatever to avoid feeling shit -- even though she really wasn't being all that vigilant because she knew Joel had just come through here. There was nowhere else he would be taking that fucking strawberry jam. He would definitely start by going to the last known place Paul and Karma were living, and if they weren't there anymore, he'd follow the railroad until he found them. He had just left that morning, on foot; Ellie couldn't be too far behind him. It would've been nice to have a horse, but it was a little harder to smuggle a horse over a wall and under an electric fence than it was a small human. It was also possible Joel hadn't gone to the jeep... that he'd left it for her, in case she wanted to return to Monterey someday. She could see him doing that. Even though she could never go back there without him... would he realize that?
Probably not. Because he apparently thought that she would be just fine living in Jackson without him. Does he just not GET how much I love him? Did I not tell him enough?
If he had left the jeep for her, she would catch up to him pretty quickly, assuming he'd be close enough to the highway... if he saw or heard her coming, would he call out to her, or hide from her? she wondered. I think it would bug him to know that I was Outside without him... he would at least stick close to me, to make sure I was safe, and maybe he wouldn't be able to stand seeing me but not interacting with me...
Maybe he decided to take the jeep himself, in order to not give her the means to catch up to him so quickly... maybe he would assume she'd lose all hope if she found the jeep gone -- that she would just give up and go back to Jackson in defeat. Like she could just forget about him.
What was he THINKING?
But... he wasn't thinking. He had clearly let Tommy do the thinking for him. Tommy had somehow managed to convince him that she would be better off this way. And Joel just... he fucking believed it.
She could imagine Joel telling Tommy to take good care of his baby girl. Ha! She hoped Tommy felt like shit now, losing track of her after like an hour.
But that's not his job anyway, Joel... it's YOURS. You take care of me, and I take care of you. There's no one else in between. No one else that matters.
She couldn't wait to find Joel and tell him things like this. So much she wanted to say, all jumbled in her brain... words tumbling around like clothes in a dryer... she already knew she couldn't prepare a speech in advance or anything like that. That never worked. She had to speak from the heart. Say what she felt. Control her temper. Listen to Joel's stupid opinions, really listen... and then make sure he understood why he was wrong and she was right.
And if that didn't work, then... she would say whatever the fuck she needed to say until she won the battle. It was one she couldn't afford to lose.
* * * * * * *
Ellie started running again when she reached the turn-off for the 'jeep house.' She didn't follow the roads around -- she remembered the shortcut they had taken through the hilly woodsy spaces in between. She ran through the 'backyard forest,' knowing she wouldn't even be able to tell if the jeep was there or not until she rounded that last corner and stepped onto the driveway. If the garage door was shut, the jeep was most likely still there, because if Joel had taken it, he wouldn't have bothered to close the door behind him.
She couldn't decide what she was hoping to find. Did she want to find the jeep there, so she had the means to catch up with Joel faster? Or did she want to not find the jeep there, so she knew she was definitely on the right track and that Joel had made it there safe and sound?
Maybe the latter would be better. If he was driving the jeep, he'd pretty much be chained to the highway. She might be able to predict where he would stop for the night. He must not have slept much last night, if at all, and he was old, so he'd probably have to stop pretty early -- he was always telling her how much easier it was for him to go without sleep when he was younger. Ugh... but if he gets "re-acclimated to Outside" fast enough... she had seen him go without sleep for long stretches before.
Surely he wouldn't want to risk falling asleep while driving, though, and then end up crashing the jeep... oh God, what if I find his dead body in the jeep in a ditch somewhere?! She had already decided to go a couple days without sleep if necessary to catch up to him. She could do that way more easily than Joel could -- and she was counting on Joel not feeling the same sense of urgency here. No way would he be expecting her to catch up to him so soon.
But how far could he go in that thing -- without having to go slow with a horse tied to it, even -- in one day? Would Ellie even be able to catch him by morning if she moved quickly and took no breaks whatsoever? Wouldn't she need to stop and check some of the places Joel might have stopped? Maybe he wouldn't even make it 'til nighttime, and thus, wouldn't go very many miles at all today -- maybe he was taking a nap right now to restore his strength, and she'd catch up to him in no time!
Possibility after possibility flooded her brain, to the point where it was overwhelming. Calm down -- one thing at a time -- first, see if the jeep is there in the garage, and go from there -- this is the house right here! I just have to go around to the front!
And it only just now occurred to her that she didn't have the keys, so if Joel didn't take the jeep... fuck, why didn't I go see if HE took them before I left?! So stupid! She hadn't packed them up with their stuff yesterday, since Tommy had made it clear she and Joel wouldn't be ~allowed~ to go on little trips anymore... but had Joel taken them? She should have checked their house before going to Max's.
Well, too late now, and I'm about to find out anyway--
The garage door was open--
And the jeep is in there -- backed in like always-- but--
-- --What the fuck?!--
JOEL'S INSIDE IT! He didn't leave!
He was sitting in the driver seat -- pointing a fucking gun at her!
~Continue to Chapter 38~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,508
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
As she began to awaken, a vague sense of unease awakened within her as well... Ellie just had a feeling that something was wrong. A second later, the specifics dawned on her: Joel wasn't beside her because they'd gotten busted in just about the worst possible way, and now their romantic activities were severely restricted as a result.
But then she felt something else, something more... gut-level sinister? More visceral. And she had no idea where that came from. Probably just all this shit... and worrying about Joel... it's early, I'll bet he's still asleep. I'm totally going to sneak in there and surprise him! She knew she shouldn't... that she had to keep up appearances and lead Tommy and Maria to believe she was on the path towards becoming the sweet little daughter again... but the house was quiet. If no one else was up, surely she could sneak in a quick snuggle. Maybe sit on the floor, like he had... with the door open... "See, guys? Nothing PERVERTED going on here! I just love him, that's all!"
Ellie padded over to his room, found the door open... and the bed empty. Empty, but neatly made. Looking kinda like he hadn't even slept in it...
Because he slept with ME? She knew he'd been in her room for a long time. She had quasi-woken up a couple times (at least once due to the baby crying), and her mostly-asleep brain had registered that he was still there with her. Like he was reluctant to leave. Poor Joel... he doesn't like sleeping without me any more than I like sleeping without him!
But... where was he? She crept down the hallway, checking on Grayson... and Tommy and Maria, with their door still open... all three of them were still asleep, from the looks of things. Joel wasn't in the bathroom, but she had to pee, so she 'checked' there, too. She splashed water on her face... and rinsed the sleep out of her mouth with mouthwash, because when she found Joel downstairs, she knew the coast would be totally clear to plant a big wet one on him.
Ellie went downstairs and checked every room, checked outside... no Joel. She went back upstairs and looked in her room again, in case he'd left her a note she'd overlooked. Meeting someone in secret only worked if the other party knew where to go! Did he go back to our house? We didn't decide anything, though... he just said we'll figure it out... and the sun's not even all the way up yet, too early for him to go to work -- especially if he's going somewhere with Tommy, who's still here! And especially-especially since as of last night, he still had the day off. Their only plans, prior to the bust, had been to secretly enjoy their ten-month anniversary. In private. Ugh... Tommy fucked up EVERYTHING... it was their first anniversary back in town, and Ellie had planned to make it as special as she could...
Fuck, where IS he? Maybe... he just went for a walk or something? Maybe he thought he'd be back before I woke up?
She just... had to know where Joel was. Wherever he was, he'd taken all his gear -- and he usually didn't take more than two guns with him anywhere on the Inside.
A tendril of fear was already coiling itself around her innards; it was getting harder to dismiss that gut feeling as mere paranoia. He WAS being a little weird last night -- he was almost CRYING -- which could possibly be attributed to the upsetting situation they were facing, sure, but this icky feeling she had... she didn't really think Joel would be crying over this. Something was very wrong.
Fuck it -- Ellie decided she was going to wake up Tommy or Maria. Preferably Tommy, since Maria needed the sleep more... and, well, he was Joel's brother. Plus this whole thing was his fault, of course! She stood in the doorway and looked at the big people-shaped lumps in the center of the bed for a moment. "Tommy? Are you awake?" she whispered so loudly it could barely be categorized as a whisper.
Silence.
"Tommy? ...Maria?" she tried again.
The Tommy-lump stirred. Slowly sat up, rubbed his eyeballs with his fists, and looked at her. "What is it, honey?" he whispered, already moving to get out of bed, probably to avoid waking Maria if he could help it.
She motioned for him to come out in the hallway, because she didn't really want to wake Maria, either. He slipped into a bathrobe and tied it on his way out of the room -- because apparently, jammy pants alone weren't sufficient cover for her not-even-innocent-anymore eyes (pfffff). (...Or, yes, maybe he did actually feel chilled.)
"I'm worried about Joel," she told him before he could ask what was wrong a second time. "He's not in his bed and... I thought he was supposed to spend the day with you? So you could like babysit him? But you're still here, obviously, so..."
Tommy's expression had slackened from concern into non-concern as soon as she mentioned Joel's name. "Don't worry about him. He's fine."
"How do you know?" She frowned. "I know you're pissed at him right now, but... he is still your brother, you know. And I'm worried he might... I dunno..." ...hurt himself? Would Joel do that? That was the thought that popped into her mind, though. No, that's ridiculous, he wouldn't do that... if nothing else, he knows it would fuck me up too bad...
"Let's go downstairs an' talk, all right? I don't wanna wake anyone."
He knows something! She almost demanded that he spill it right there in the hallway, but she dutifully descended the stairs and parked her ass on the couch, her eyes following him expectantly. It had taken him an extra second or two to softly close the bedroom door, but it seemed like he was lagging way behind, moving slowly on purpose. He's not the biggest morning person, I know, but damn... is he stalling for some reason?
He sat right beside her. "Ellie... I'm so sorry to have to tell you this..."
JESUS FUCK-- "Something happened to him! Oh my God--"
"No, sweetheart -- I just told you he's fine, remember? I wasn't lyin'." He put his arm around her shoulders...
...but she jerked away. Scooted away from him a little, just out of reach. If Joel wasn't allowed to comfort her anymore, she certainly wasn't going to let Tommy do it! "But something's wrong. Tell me!"
Tommy looked at her very soberly. "He's gone. He left last night."
"Left for where?" she demanded.
"I honestly don' know for sure. He just left."
She frowned at him, confused and annoyed. "How do you not know? Where did you send him? Are you trying to keep us apart by sending him to the dam or something? To Farm 4? Idaho? Where?!"
He kept looking at her, inexplicably stumped by this very simple question. "Can I get you some juice? We've got--"
"No, I don't want any fucking juice," she seethed. Does he think I'm five years old and can be distracted with goodies?! "I wanna know where Joel is!"
"He left town. That's all you need to know. It's for the best."
...for the best... FOR THE BEST?! "What the fuck are you talking about? Where did he go? Tell me!"
"Truly, I don' know, Ellie. Honest to God. He didn't tell me where he was goin'."
She blinked. "Again -- how do you not know?! You sent him!"
"I did not. I promise you. It wasn't for... business of any kind. He just left of his own accord."
Jesus fucking-- "Without me? He knows he's not supposed to-- ugghhhh -- Okay, whatever -- so when will he back?"
He hesitated to answer.
"Tell me, Tommy!" She was beyond caring who she woke up now.
"He ain't comin' back, honey. I'm so sorry."
That... made no fucking sense. "Uh... I must've heard that wrong. Did you say... he's not coming back?"
Tommy nodded.
No... NO, this can't be happening! Ellie shook her head. "You're wrong. Joel would never leave me. He promised!"
"I know he did. But circumstances have changed. He... realized it was in your best interest if he wasn't around. It ain't that he don't love you no more, or anything like that. He just--"
"That's fucking bullshit!" She sprang to her feet and glowered down at him. "You'd better fucking tell me right now where he went!"
Tommy stood up, too, and stepped toward her. "I don' know where he went. I swear."
Oh my God -- if only I'd put my jeans on -- but since she hadn't put them on, she didn't have her switchblade on her. ...Which was probably a good thing, because she couldn't... not to Tommy... but her anger was mounting in a hurry, and she had to get him to tell her where Joel went! "If you don't tell me, I'll-- ... I'll just go find him myself!" She turned to run back up to her room to get dressed.
But Tommy grabbed her arm to hold her in place. "I can't let you do that. You won't make it past the gate anyhow -- I instructed everyone not to let you out. With or without an adult, so you can't go find yourself an escort, either."
He's fucking serious. He sent Joel away, and now he won't tell me where he is and won't let me go after him! She jerked out of his grasp and scowled. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that?"
"To keep you safe. That's what we all want for you."
"I'm safe with Joel!"
Tommy chuckled bitterly. "No you ain't. Yesterday proved that."
"Oh my God... are you fucking kidding me? How can you--" Before she even knew what she was doing, her fist was swinging--
But he seemed to be anticipating this and managed to block the blow, taking hold of her arm again. "I know you're mad, but--"
"Mad? Mad?! I'm beyond mad. I'm fucking furious!" She caught sight of Maria at the top of the stairs, and realized the baby was now crying. Ellie didn't give a fuck about the fact that she might have just woken him up with all her yelling. She wrenched away from Tommy and hurried over to the staircase. "Maria! Maria, Tommy just told me Joel left! Is it true?"
She nodded, biting her lip... looking like she wanted to cry. Between the hormones and the sleep deprivation, though, crying wasn't unusual for Maria these days.
Sensing weakness, Ellie flew up the stairs and got right in her face. "You have to tell me where he is! Please -- I'm begging you -- "
"He didn't say where he was going. I'm sure he knew you would hound us until we told you, so..."
"This is all your fault! Both of you! And you--" --she poked Maria in the chest-- "didn't want him living here! What did you say to him?"
Much to her annoyance, she felt Tommy grab her from behind. He dragged her back a few steps, and she laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, relax -- I'm not gonna hurt her. Jesus."
Tommy let go without her having to break free this time. "If you wanna be pissed at someone, be pissed at me," he said. "It was my idea. Not hers."
"What?" Ellie knew that was a lie. "No... you told us to come stay with you--"
"I did, an' then I thought about it some more, and... it's the only thing that made sense." He nodded to Maria. "Babe, you wanna get him? I got this."
Ellie focused her rage on Tommy again as Maria exited the line of fire by entering the baby's room. "It makes the least fucking sense of anything I've ever heard! Is that why you guys wanted me to go to the movies? So you could threaten him? You promised you wouldn't hurt him, and then-- You made him leave!" Of course! Joel would never leave her 'of his own accord.' She merely pushed Tommy this time. For a fleeting moment, she imagined him tumbling down the stairs and cracking his head open...
...and the mental image didn't disturb her at all. That's how insanely fucking livid she was!
Tommy just stood there. "Let's go back down--"
"Where did he go? California? ...Boston?"
"He didn't say." Tommy just kept repeating this with a patience that really got under Ellie's skin.
She wasn't going to push him down the stairs. What she wanted was to fucking beat the truth out of him. It just didn't make sense! True, Joel had been kind of a pussy with Tommy yesterday... but there was no way he could've felt so intimidated that he would just leave. No fucking way. Not after everything he'd said to her... everything they'd done... Not after MAKING LOVE to me the way he does. There's no way! "How did you get him to do it? What did you hold over his head?"
"Nothin'. We just talked an' he came to the same conclusion I did. It's best for you if--"
"BullSHIT! It's best for you, you mean!" She pushed him again.
"Ellie... c'mon. Sit down." He sat on the top step and patted the spot next to him. Like he was taunting her into pushing him down the stairs!
Only it probably wouldn't even hurt if he just somersaulted down...
But I DID hurt Caleb when I pushed him...
She just started pacing the floor instead -- a move she'd borrowed from the absent Joel. "Joel promised he would never go anywhere Outside again unless I was with him. After you guys thought I was missing that one time. He fucking promised. And... to not even say goodbye?!"
"I reckon he said it in his own way last night," Tommy replied softly.
Ellie's heart lurched. He did... Joel hadn't been acting a little weird because he was going to go kill himself or something: he knew he was about to kill ME! "He knew he couldn't say goodbye to me, or he'd never go," she realized out loud.
"That's exactly right. He loves you too much... in his own way."
"...'In his own way'? You said that yesterday, too. What, like he doesn't really? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Ellie strode towards him.
As if sensing danger, Tommy abandoned his seat at the top of the stairs and retreated into Ellie's room. "He does love you, all right? He's just got his own... mental issues, an' whatnot... he's sick... and unfortunately, you're sufferin' the consequences. But--"
"What mental issues? He's not-- Jesus fucking Christ -- Joel is the one who keeps me sane! But you don't care about that, do you! Do you!" She felt the hot prick of tears behind her eyeballs -- but she wouldn't give Tommy the satisfaction of seeing her cry about what he'd done.
"Of course I care." His maddening calm was even more maddening than Joel's! "We knew it was gonna be hard on you. But Maria an' me... we're here for you. We're gonna help you through--"
"Oh my fucking GOD -- if you really cared, you wouldn't just-- just fucking rip Joel right out of my arms and throw him away! The person I care about -- more than anyone else --" she spluttered.
"I know it hurts, honey... I'm so sorry," Tommy said pitifully. As in FULL OF PITY for her; it was disgusting.
"You are not-- UUUUUGGGGHHHH!" she screamed in rage as she grabbed the nearest heavy object -- the bedside lamp -- and yanked on the cord 'til it came free of the wall.
"Ellie, don't--"
Tommy moved towards her, but he was too late -- she smashed the lamp with all of her might...
...just like she had that night at the base, with that soldier... DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT--
...only this time, she shattered it against the wall. The body of the lamp was like glass or ceramic or something, so shards of it flew everywhere, but she didn't give a fuck. It felt pretty fucking satisfying, actually.
"Ellie... you've gotta calm down..."
She rounded on him, and was pleased to note him plucking a piece of lamp out of his robed arm. "I don't have to do anything -- except find Joel! That's what I'm gonna do."
"You've got glass--"
"I don't care about fucking glass! Get the fuck out of my room so I can get-- oh wait, that's right -- you've already seen me naked, haven't you? So who cares?" She started yanking her nightgown up over her head.
It had the desired effect of making Tommy flee the room immediately. "I didn't see you naked, all right? Christ..."
"Yes you did! And you think Joel's a pervert?! Hey, Maria!" she called loudly. "Your husband saw me naked! Did he tell you that part of the story? Yeah -- that's how he caught us. He was fucking spying on me and Joel having sex yesterday! Totally getting off on it! Bet you didn't know you were married to such a--"
"Watch it, missy." Tommy reappeared in the doorway, showing more anger than she'd seen from him this entire time.
Finally! She kind of wished she hadn't let her nightgown drop back down into place, so then he'd really see her naked (or half naked) and he wouldn't be able to deny it... but fuck, she didn't really want Tommy seeing her naked, did she?! Gross! "Get out!" she screamed at him, and she marched right over there and slammed the door in his face. "I hate you! Both of you! I'm going to find Joel and we're going to just fuck like crazy all day, every day -- and we're never gonna speak to either of you ever again!"
She practically ripped her nightgown off, and yanked her clothes on just as roughly. She found specks of blood here and there... from the glass, she supposed... it gave her a tiny bit of satisfaction to imagine Tommy having to come in here and clean it up later. It was quiet out there now, so she assumed Tommy was finally ready to leave her alone. Good! She'd already wasted too much time. Joel was here just a little while ago... I KNOW he was... he kissed me when I was sleeping and it half woke me up but then I dozed for a minute until that queasy feeling came over me... ...fuck, it was probably longer than a minute...
It must have been so hard for him to leave her. They said he left last night, but she knew he'd been with her all night. Because he couldn't bear to leave me!
As far as Ellie was concerned, this entire thing was Tommy's fault. Maria hadn't helped matters... and those nasty looks she'd sent Joel at dinner had not escaped Ellie's notice... but ultimately, it was Tommy who had bullied Joel into leaving. He was the true evil one here, preying on Joel when he was confused and ashamed.
And so it pained her to have to go speak to him after she'd packed up her shit (which hadn't taken long, since she'd barely unpacked anything last night). But I HAVE to ask him... Tommy was sitting on the couch, all casual-like... just hanging out, waiting for her?
"You ready to talk now?" he asked her coolly.
"Yes," she replied. She went and stood in front of him, backpacked up and all ready to go, except... "If you're ready to tell me where Joel went."
"I honestly don' know. Didn't want to know. For your sake."
She hadn't really expected him to tell her; she suspected he might even be telling the truth. She could totally see Joel telling himself that he was protecting her -- as if she would just happily stay put in town if she didn't know exactly where to go. "Fine, don't tell me. Can you tell me where you went last night? Were you getting him a horse or something?" A spark of hope flared inside her. It's still early! If Joel's getting one himself, he might still be--
"He didn't plan on takin' a horse. He was goin' on foot. I went an' fetched him some provisions. Past storehouse hours so I let myself in."
"What kind of provisions? He could've just taken food and stuff from our house. Not like you gave us enough time to pack it all up or anything."
"I felt like it was the least I could do to help him on his way. I don' know what all it was... the usual. Jerky... bread... ammo..."
"They don't keep ammo there."
"Nope, but I got him some. -One thing I did think was strange... he wanted strawberry preserves. This whole time I thought it was you that liked that, not him. He never used to care for it."
...Of course! THAT'S where he's going! She didn't bother to thank Tommy for the information, though. He didn't deserve her thanks after what he'd done to Joel! She just turned away without even the courtesy of a goodbye.
"I already told you, you can't leave," he reminded her. "The gates all have instructions not to let you out, and I just called 'em again. Everyone's on alert."
Ellie smirked and flounced out the door. She didn't care what orders the gates had -- she was going to find someone to help her. And she could just imagine the gossip that would soon be flying around town.
Then it hit her: I'm LEAVING. Leaving and never coming back this time. She wasn't saying goodbye to anyone... not even to Annie, or Clicker... but they don't matter right now -- ONLY JOEL. He was the only one she needed. He was a part of her very being. She couldn't live without him. If she couldn't find him...
I WILL find him. I know where he's going -- and I bet he's taking the jeep. Even if he wasn't, it wasn't like it was that far out of the way. She could figure out what she was going to say to him on the way down there. Fuck -- first I have to figure out a plan to find him! I don't know EXACTLY where he is, but if I find the jeep gone, he'll probably be on the highway--
But first-first... she had to escape her prison.
* * * * * * *
"Okay, so... what is it they say in movies... I can make it worth your while? ...You know. Like... yeah. If you just... er... I can come up there and... uh... get on my knees, and... YOU KNOW..."
Ellie had sunk to a new low.
...Did I really just do that?! I did. I fucking DID.
And I'm NEVER telling Joel.
Oh, she didn't actually blow the guy. She'd just offered to.
And he had refused. He had refused! It was too bad they didn't let teenagers work the gates. More than one had approached her back when people thought she was a slut who handed out BJs left and right -- just joking around, maybe, but if Joel was right about them being horny little bastards...
Well, Buster wasn't that much older than a teenager... he was like, twenty-three or something. Maybe he thought it would make dinner at his sister Chelsea's house a little awkward... he doesn't know I'm never coming back! ...Maybe it's just because we weren't alone, since they always guard in pairs... Jason W. was in the other tower so it was a little weird? That particular Jason was married, so she had gambled on Buster instead. Other Jason (not present at the moment) was Idaho-new and possibly oblivious to that drama, if it really had died down after she and Joel left, like she'd been told. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough for most people... Joel just has weird taste? ...OBVIOUSLY he does, because everyone's so grossed out by us! 'Everyone' being just Tommy and Maria, but still. According to them, the entire town would be disgusted.
She probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it anyway... but fuck, she was getting desperate! She'd been to all the gates and not managed to even come close to persuading anyone to let her out. She should've known; Tommy and Maria's minions were fiercely loyal. Probably scared shitless of getting kicked out of town or something... Apparently they had all been instructed to report it to Tommy if she showed up; would Buster report the attempted bribe as well? That gate had been her last stop, and the men had informed her that they had orders to escort her home. She had scoffed at that, told them she didn't have a home anymore because Tommy was an asshole, and even managed to conjure up a few tears. Let them wonder about THAT! And while they'd seemed somewhat sympathetic to her plight, they still refused to let her out. The best she could achieve was that they didn't escort her 'home': instead, they agreed to say that she'd run off before one of them could descend the towers and collect her.
She could have gone one step further, and threatened them at gunpoint... she would never be coming back here anyway, so what did she care, right? And they were in her way, so...
But what if they called my bluff? Fuck. Is THAT what I'm gonna have to do to get out of here? SHOOT somebody?!
She wondered if Joel would do that if their roles were flipped here... if he was the one who couldn't get out to go after her. She wondered this for all of three seconds before concluding that yes he would. Would he offer to blow a guy, though? ...Not so sure about that!
To stay one step ahead of the enemy, it helped to think like them. What would Tommy do now that she was on the loose in the town, when he wanted her home? Send his goons out to search for her? Maybe. Anticipate that she'd go find a friend to plot with instead of going home? Like Annie? ...Possibly. Or he might do nothing at all. She'd been kind of surprised that he had wanted her to come home, after the things she'd said to him. Who would want to be around a person who so obviously hated them?
Hopefully he wouldn't suspect her of going to where she actually was going: Max's house.
If only HE'D been working one of the gates! She wouldn't have had to offer him sexual favors -- not that he would've accepted anyway. Except... well, there was also his distrust, or dislike, of Joel. Maybe he'd tell her "this is for the best" too... ugh! He had helped her Out before, but that had been legit -- plus, Joel had been the one she was pissed at.
She truly wasn't upset with Joel this time. All her rage was directed squarely where it belonged: at his asshole brother, who had taken advantage of Joel's misplaced guilt. Preyed on his doubts and kicked him when he was down.
It was still pretty early in the day, not a lot of people out and about yet... which made her feel confident that Max would be home. She ran all the way there (no time to waste, especially if Tommy realized what she was up to!) and started pounding on the door, calling to him while she panted for breath. "Max! -- Maaaaxxxx! -- It's Ellie! -- Are you -- awake? Sorry -- if you're -- not, but -- CAN YOU WAKE UP PLEASE?!?!? -- -- -- I need your help! -- Maaaaaax! It's Ellie! -- In case you didn't -- hear that part!" She stopped hollering long enough to finally catch her breath.
"Just a sec, sunshine..."
"Oh good, you're home! Open the door!" ...As if he wasn't going to?
It took him forever to get to the door, but she supposed he had to put pants on and stuff. As soon as the door opened, she pushed past him and slammed it behind her. "No one can know I'm here!"
"What's goin' on?" He looked her over, the same way Joel sometimes did if he was trying to determine how okay she was.
"I have to get out of here!" she cried. "But fucking Tommy told all the gates not to let me out! Not even with an adult so don't worry, I won't ask you to-- except how am I gonna get out? Could you maybe smuggle me out somehow? Like if I hide in a cart or something? And he told the last guy to bring me home but luckily he just let me go -- so I really need to leave before Tommy figures it out and locks me up or something cuz he doesn't want me to leave!"
"Slow down," he chuckled. "Why do you have to get out of here?"
"That's not important!" she said dismissively. "Just trust me, I really need this! I'll beg you if you want!"
Max regarded her skeptically. "Your friend know you're here?"
'Your friend' was how he usually referred to Joel. "No! He can't help me!" Should I tell him I'm going after Joel, or will that make Max take Tommy's side and want to keep me in? ...Yeah, I can't risk that... ...oh! I know what to say!-- "--He's on Tommy's side!" It wasn't even a lie; Joel and Tommy did agree on this, even if it was only because Tommy had basically brainwashed Joel into it.
Max just kept looking at her with a puzzled expression. "What the hell happened? You in some kind of trouble?"
"No! I mean... sort of? But not really! Just... please please pleeeeeease help me, and I won't tell anyone it was you, you won't get in trouble or anything--"
"Psh, I ain't worried about that."
"So you'll help me?" she asked hopefully, fixing him with her most beguiling look -- one that usually worked on Joel.
"I didn't say that. I need to know what's goin' on first."
Ugh, I don't have TIME for this-- "No you don't! You really don't! Look -- you and Joel disagree about things, right? So isn't it enough to know that he doesn't want me Out?"
"But you said it was Tommy, too. He's been real good to me."
Ellie groaned. "Everyone thinks Tommy's so wonderful... but he has no right to keep me here! He's not my father -- neither is Joel -- and I've spent more time Out in the past two years than In, so it's not like I'm helpless -- plus I don't even need to go that far!" Or so she hoped. And once she found Joel... being with him was practically as safe as being Inside!
Max sighed. "Still wish you'd tell me what the fuck happened."
He's weakening! "I can't tell you. It's sort of like a... family secret, I guess?" Tommy had referred to it as a family matter yesterday, or family business...
Max chuckled. "You just finished telling me how not-family they are to you. Come sit down and tell me--"
"No! I need to go! You just have to trust me!"
He looked at her thoughtfully... and it seemed like maybe he was on the verge of making a decision. "Well... does this have anything to do with you... not getting infected?"
What the fuck? "Uh... what do you mean?"
"Your... resistance. To the Cordyceps."
OH MY GOD-- "How do you know about that? ...Did you see it? No, you couldn't have... you would've freaked out..."
"See what?"
Now she wondered if he was just fishing. But still -- how did he even know these were fishable waters?! "So... no, you haven't seen it. Okay -- never mind, then! Dude, I don't know what you're talking about." ...Little late for that now, Ellie! "This is like a... a personal thing. But please -- I really have to go and I'm afraid Tommy might come hunt me down so if you're not gonna help me, I'll just go find another way!" She turned to run out.
But -- just like she'd hoped he would -- Max stepped between her and the door. "Wait a minute, would you? I didn't say I wouldn't help you. ...So what I should do is... deliver you back to Tommy?"
"What? No! Fuck that! I will hurt you if you even try to--"
He just laughed. "Chill, sunshine. If you're really that desperate... I'll help you. I'll even go back to bed after so if Tommy comes beating down my door--"
"Thank you!" she cut him off and gave him a quick-but-fierce hug. "Okay so -- what do we do?"
"...I have an idea. It'll get you Out, but not back In."
"That's perfect! I don't need to get back In! -I mean -- when I come back then I can go through a gate." She mentally patted herself on the back for saying 'when' when it wasn't even an 'if' situation; clearly she and Joel weren't welcome here anymore. But she didn't want Max to have second thoughts about helping her!
"How long you plan on being gone?"
"I dunno... a while?"
"More than a day?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"...And that's all you're bringing? No tent, or--"
"Yes! It's fine! Can we just go-- or just tell me what to do and I'll leave you alone and you can pretend you never saw me!"
"I gotta go with you. You got a blanket in there, at least?"
"No! I don't need one!" She groaned as he ignored this and went to go fetch her one.
He returned with the tiniest blanket Ellie had ever seen. It looked like a little palm-sized canvas square. "Here. It ain't the best, but it's better than nothing, and it's nice and light. See, you just unfold it like--"
"Okay, can you just stuff it in there please so we can go?!"
But he asked what kind of food she had... water... weapons... Ellie wanted to scream. She practically did scream at him in the end, declaring once again that she was just going to leave without him if they didn't go right now. She knew she should appreciate that he was looking out for her, but he didn't seem to appreciate the urgency of the situation! If Tommy found her... would he use those fucking handcuffs to lock me up if he felt like he had to?! To "keep me safe"? Uuuggghhh!
She would literally go insane if he locked her up, in a room or with the handcuffs or any other way.
Finally, they were on their way, and at least Max was moving quickly once they left his house. He said they needed to go somewhere far enough between the gates that she wouldn't be spotted -- "they can see farther out than you'd think" -- and he knew the wall well enough to know where such a place would be... but if there was a patrol out there, she'd be fucked -- assuming they got the same messages the gates did over the walkie talkies they carried. She just had to risk it. At least Max seemed reasonably sure that there wouldn't be a patrol out this early.
They arrived at a solitary stretch of border wall in Ghost Town, and Max turned to her. "You said you're good with walls."
"I am! If you can boost me up there, I can get over."
"It's a long ways down, though, so you--"
"Pfff-- I know how to get down off a wall. Don't jump -- hang down first and drop, to shorten the distance."
Max nodded. "Good. How about electric fences?"
Too much fucking security here! Ellie worried at her lip. "Um... not much experience with those. But they're not always on, right? Do you know if they're on right now?"
"They were yesterday. No crazy weather since then and haven't heard of any incidents with the power, so I'd say they're on."
"Okay, but we can turn them off. Right?"
"We could... if we knew more about how they operate and where the fuses are and things like that. A maintenance person could prob'ly help with--"
"No time for that! So what do I do?" she wailed.
"Well, I do know one thing: only the horizontal wires are electric. The verticals, you can touch."
"Great. How the fuck do I climb using the verticals? Stick my foot in sideways? How would it not slide down and touch the--"
"Noooooo nothing like that. You can't climb over with the barbed wire on top. But -- I think there's enough space in between the poles that if you lift the bottom up a bit, tugging on the vertical part, you can slither on through, underneath. You're little enough. But that's gonna be hard to do on your own. I was thinking I can go steal a ladder, climb over the wall--"
"What, steal it from all the way in Craig's office?!" That was way on the other end of town!
"Or, if we're lucky, the guys left one at a job they're doing that's multiple days' work. Those motherfuckers are heavy to be lugging around, and obviously they're too big to stick in a wheelbarrow... too big and odd-shaped for a dolly..."
"Joel worked yesterday and I know he wouldn't have left one out." That felt like a loooooong time ago, not less than a day! She hadn't even thought to ask him if they'd finished the job, come to think of it. We were a little distracted by all the hot sex... and then everything blowing up on us!
"You sure?"
"Yeah. He's weird -- he likes carrying heavy shit." Not totally true, really, but she figured toting a ladder around was one of those things he'd consider a good workout? If not, he would've at least stashed it inside the house they were working on, for safekeeping. "Fuck, I don't know which house he was at yesterday! That would be one to not go to. Ugghhh -- okay, so I'm just gonna see if I can do it myself, and if I can't, I'll let you know?"
"I could also go out the gate and come around to help you from the other side."
"No! That would look too suspicious! Hopefully I can do it. Just wait until you hear me yell, 'kay? I'll try to be quick in case someone wonders why you're over here talking to a wall..."
Max chuckled. "Take your time. Anyone comes near, I'll just make it look like I'm pissing on the wall. Bet they'll walk right on by."
"Ha!" Ellie really wished she had a dick sometimes. "Except why the fuck would you come all the way over here specifically to piss on it? Whatever -- okay, let's do this!"
"One more thing -- take your backpack off before you go under. You're gonna need to just chuck it on over. You gotta make sure to clear the fence, though, 'cause if it gets caught--"
"Got it," she said impatiently. "Boost me!"
The boosting part was easy, at least. Ellie had never been on top of the Jackson wall. She could only take a moment to savor the view up there, too paranoid about being seen to linger. She hung down by her arms and dropped, landing on her feet yet still taking a little tumble.
"You okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine!" She hopped up and didn't even bother to brush herself off. She was about to get down on the ground again anyway, wasn't she? She shed the backpack... and decided to stuff her holster belt and guns in there, too. In case they might get caught on a wire. "I better do a couple practice throws first!" If it's too heavy to get it up high enough, maybe I can squeeze it underneath... She could probably even kick it through. But tossing it did seem safest, and if she did it underhand -- yeah, I have to go HIGH, not FAR, so...
After a couple practice throws -- towards the wall -- Ellie felt like she had a good enough feel for how to launch it successfully. What angle, when to release it, how much force was needed. She could actually hear Joel in her head, giving her pointers. However, the problem with listening to the Joel in her head was that unless she was recalling a prior lesson, he could only tell her useful stuff after she learned it herself by trial and error. Maybe that's how the ACTUAL Joel knows so much: lots of trial and error over the years.
One... two... three!
...YES!
The Joel in her head was proud of her... but he was a poor substitute for the real thing.
At least Max was here to witness her throwing prowess. Oh -- right -- except he can't see! He was stuck on the other side of the wall. She moved closer to it to talk to him. "Made it! Easily! Now if I can just get myself through that easily..."
"Take it slow. Prob'ly easier to lay on your back and wiggle through that way, so you can see... and move your arms more naturally. Keep your fingers tensed up."
Ellie was hesitant to even touch the thing. As she reached for it tentatively, an ancient memory bubbled up: from when they'd first arrived in Jackson, and Joel had acted like he was going to test the fence with his hand... then her hand. Just trying to make her smile. Then she'd confessed that she was afraid maybe Tommy wouldn't want her there. She was supposed to be with the Fireflies and Joel was supposed to return by himself, after all.
So Joel told me we're a package deal. Can't have one without the other. ...And then he just fucking LEAVES me a year later?
She was so fucking furious with Tommy... and the anger didn't leave much room to feel the actual pain she knew was lurking there underneath it. The pain of Joel abandoning her after promising he wouldn't.
Fuck -- just CONCENTRATE -- deal with your stupid emotions later! The only UNDERNEATH thing you have to deal with is the literal kind! The fence was a little too far away from the wall to speak to Max, even in a 'normal shouting voice.' She ran back over to the wall. "Uh... Max? What happens if I accidentally touch it? The electric part, I mean. And don't mess with me cuz I'm not in the mood!"
"...So don't ask if you've seen how the little cartoon dudes turn into black poofs of--"
"No! Fuck you!"
"Haha... okay... you know, I ain't sure? I know it's set at a high enough voltage to give you a good shock, but it won't kill you. You're young... your heart can take it."
"So it's gonna give me a heart attack?! People die from those!"
"Just don't touch it, then."
She snorted. "Gee, thanks. Okay... I guess you'll be able to hear it if I fry myself?"
"I can still go find a ladder--"
"No -- I'm going!"
"Know what else I can do... I can find something to drag over here, big enough to climb on and get over... then I can hold the fence up for you. MIGHT be able to sneak back in through the gate without anyone seeing if they're not paying attention--"
"Don't worry, I can do it!" She wasn't sure what he meant about sneaking through the gate, but she didn't know the whole perimeter setup of where the fences started tapering off into the gates and stuff like that. Whatever-- "Thanks anyway!" she added.
Even though the vertical wires were allegedly safe, she cringed and held her breath before pinching one with her fingers... nothing happened. Max was right! She pinched another one, resisting the urge to rest her hands against them and grasp them normally; there wasn't enough room in between the horizontal wires for that. She tested the give of the fence, tugging it upward. There wasn't a lot of slack. Like, at all. But she didn't need a ton... Yeah, okay... I can do this... She lay down on her side, as close to the fence as she dared...
And then got up and ran back to the wall to ask another question.
"Hey... Max? Does the bottom one count as a horizontal wire? It looks a little different."
"Far as I know."
"Damn," she muttered. "Okay..."
"Are you SURE you don't want me to--"
"Yes! Stay there! I won't come back again, I swear -- I'm just going to let out a big whoop from the other side so you'll know I made it!"
She ran back to the fence and lay down beside it again. Pinched an un-shocking wire near the bottom with her left hand and pushed it up enough to slide her right arm underneath it, rolling onto her back as she went... but this angle wasn't going to work. She couldn't lift enough of it to just slide on through length-wise, like she probably could if Max was lifting it with both hands spread wide apart. Nope, she was going to have to do it the long way...
She tried not to imagine a blackened cartoon Ellie body sprawled out there for a patrol to find. Ugh!
No way -- you got this, Ellie... you're halfway and not even breaking a sweat... although that might just be cuz it's kinda cold out here...
Her hands felt shaky as fuck, for some reason... it was the odd strain it put on her fingers, she supposed. When her hips were through, she twisted enough to sit up and yank the thing higher -- swung her legs around, and --
I'm Out!
"Woohooooooo!" she whooped to Max. She wanted to say goodbye, and to thank him properly, but if she kept yelling and he couldn't catch the words, he might think something was wrong and come after her, which would probably alert Tommy that she'd escaped -- not only that, but it would indicate in which direction she'd escaped.
She should probably feel a little guilty about lying to Max... like, how would he feel when she never came back, and he knew that he was the one who--
Nah, he'll be fine-- in the past, he'd shown her that he wasn't one to dwell on shit like that. On things like guilt. Besides, Ellie just couldn't care about that right now! She couldn't care about anyone or anything that wasn't Joel. He was all that mattered.
She collected her backpack and took off running into the trees as fast as she could. She was going to have to swing back around to go catch the highway... fuck, I hope I can remember enough without that useless map! She was pretty sure she could get to the jeep; they'd done that a few times now, since they'd been back. Their 'Sunday joyrides,' as Joel liked to call them. More like 'Sunday hikes,' since they spent way more time walking to and from the jeep than driving it! And today is Sunday... we WERE going to take today off from the hike... ha. Nope!
Ellie knew how important it was to be cognizant of her surroundings at all times, even when she was with Joel -- they might get separated, or he might fall on a fucking rebar and force her to take over -- but that didn't seem to prevent her from getting lazy about it sometimes when she was with him. How the fuck does he do it? How can he stay so fucking alert all the time? For weeks on end. Months, even. He had good instincts, which he liked to say can't be taught... but Ellie felt like it was also a skill. How could it not be, if she had improved it over time herself? She liked to think she was honing it... following in Joel's footsteps... that one day, she would be as awesome at everything as he was.
Ellie stopped running when her body demanded it, and even then, she didn't completely stop moving. She knew she couldn't run the entire hour and a half or whatever it was to get to the jeep -- she just needed that initial burst of speed to distance herself from Jackson quickly, in case anyone had heard her yelling and then tried to find her. She didn't know why they would, unless Tommy had gotten freaked out when the blowjob-rejecting dude informed him that she'd run off. Maybe he would send people out looking for her?
She was counting on the fact that they would limit the search to looking in town... for a good long while, probably. Max would cover for her, and she felt like he was probably a good liar. He reminded her of Joel in some ways... and that was one of the ways she felt they were likely to be similar. When she'd cheekily suggested to Joel that maybe the reason he didn't like Max was that he reminded him of himself, Joel had gotten all mad and denied it and said the reason was because Max was an arrogant asshole. Or something along those lines.
Fuck, Joel... why did you leave me?
She knew why: fucking Tommy. But her heart still kept asking the question anyway. Over and over, until the words lost their meaning. She tried to do what Joel did -- using his Outside 'mindfulness' or whatever to avoid feeling shit -- even though she really wasn't being all that vigilant because she knew Joel had just come through here. There was nowhere else he would be taking that fucking strawberry jam. He would definitely start by going to the last known place Paul and Karma were living, and if they weren't there anymore, he'd follow the railroad until he found them. He had just left that morning, on foot; Ellie couldn't be too far behind him. It would've been nice to have a horse, but it was a little harder to smuggle a horse over a wall and under an electric fence than it was a small human. It was also possible Joel hadn't gone to the jeep... that he'd left it for her, in case she wanted to return to Monterey someday. She could see him doing that. Even though she could never go back there without him... would he realize that?
Probably not. Because he apparently thought that she would be just fine living in Jackson without him. Does he just not GET how much I love him? Did I not tell him enough?
If he had left the jeep for her, she would catch up to him pretty quickly, assuming he'd be close enough to the highway... if he saw or heard her coming, would he call out to her, or hide from her? she wondered. I think it would bug him to know that I was Outside without him... he would at least stick close to me, to make sure I was safe, and maybe he wouldn't be able to stand seeing me but not interacting with me...
Maybe he decided to take the jeep himself, in order to not give her the means to catch up to him so quickly... maybe he would assume she'd lose all hope if she found the jeep gone -- that she would just give up and go back to Jackson in defeat. Like she could just forget about him.
What was he THINKING?
But... he wasn't thinking. He had clearly let Tommy do the thinking for him. Tommy had somehow managed to convince him that she would be better off this way. And Joel just... he fucking believed it.
She could imagine Joel telling Tommy to take good care of his baby girl. Ha! She hoped Tommy felt like shit now, losing track of her after like an hour.
But that's not his job anyway, Joel... it's YOURS. You take care of me, and I take care of you. There's no one else in between. No one else that matters.
She couldn't wait to find Joel and tell him things like this. So much she wanted to say, all jumbled in her brain... words tumbling around like clothes in a dryer... she already knew she couldn't prepare a speech in advance or anything like that. That never worked. She had to speak from the heart. Say what she felt. Control her temper. Listen to Joel's stupid opinions, really listen... and then make sure he understood why he was wrong and she was right.
And if that didn't work, then... she would say whatever the fuck she needed to say until she won the battle. It was one she couldn't afford to lose.
* * * * * * *
Ellie started running again when she reached the turn-off for the 'jeep house.' She didn't follow the roads around -- she remembered the shortcut they had taken through the hilly woodsy spaces in between. She ran through the 'backyard forest,' knowing she wouldn't even be able to tell if the jeep was there or not until she rounded that last corner and stepped onto the driveway. If the garage door was shut, the jeep was most likely still there, because if Joel had taken it, he wouldn't have bothered to close the door behind him.
She couldn't decide what she was hoping to find. Did she want to find the jeep there, so she had the means to catch up with Joel faster? Or did she want to not find the jeep there, so she knew she was definitely on the right track and that Joel had made it there safe and sound?
Maybe the latter would be better. If he was driving the jeep, he'd pretty much be chained to the highway. She might be able to predict where he would stop for the night. He must not have slept much last night, if at all, and he was old, so he'd probably have to stop pretty early -- he was always telling her how much easier it was for him to go without sleep when he was younger. Ugh... but if he gets "re-acclimated to Outside" fast enough... she had seen him go without sleep for long stretches before.
Surely he wouldn't want to risk falling asleep while driving, though, and then end up crashing the jeep... oh God, what if I find his dead body in the jeep in a ditch somewhere?! She had already decided to go a couple days without sleep if necessary to catch up to him. She could do that way more easily than Joel could -- and she was counting on Joel not feeling the same sense of urgency here. No way would he be expecting her to catch up to him so soon.
But how far could he go in that thing -- without having to go slow with a horse tied to it, even -- in one day? Would Ellie even be able to catch him by morning if she moved quickly and took no breaks whatsoever? Wouldn't she need to stop and check some of the places Joel might have stopped? Maybe he wouldn't even make it 'til nighttime, and thus, wouldn't go very many miles at all today -- maybe he was taking a nap right now to restore his strength, and she'd catch up to him in no time!
Possibility after possibility flooded her brain, to the point where it was overwhelming. Calm down -- one thing at a time -- first, see if the jeep is there in the garage, and go from there -- this is the house right here! I just have to go around to the front!
And it only just now occurred to her that she didn't have the keys, so if Joel didn't take the jeep... fuck, why didn't I go see if HE took them before I left?! So stupid! She hadn't packed them up with their stuff yesterday, since Tommy had made it clear she and Joel wouldn't be ~allowed~ to go on little trips anymore... but had Joel taken them? She should have checked their house before going to Max's.
Well, too late now, and I'm about to find out anyway--
The garage door was open--
And the jeep is in there -- backed in like always-- but--
-- --What the fuck?!--
JOEL'S INSIDE IT! He didn't leave!
He was sitting in the driver seat -- pointing a fucking gun at her!
~Continue to Chapter 38~