londontrick

この二人♡♡♡♡♡♡

アニメコンは楽しかった！つかれたね(#ﾟДﾟ)　

多分、今日は書くの日。できる？「書くの日」？違うと思う。今日私は書いてるだけさ！

日本語が忘れたよ！！キラァァァァィィィ！！

londontrick

I did it.  I've been home for over a month now.

It turns out, I don't have a herniated disc.  Instead, my L5 is partially sacralized, which means my L5 thinks it wants to be part of my sacrum, but it couldn't make up it's mind either as DNA or when I was growing, so it's partial.  The doctor said it's not uncommon, but most people don't have searing pain and sciatica as a result.

The pain itself is nothing now compared to what it used to be.  I can sit longer, stand longer, reach lower, bend more, and thank you fucking spirits of the universe I am off all of that medication.  But it still hurts - I can't drive and I spend most of my time shackled to my parents' house.  When you're 21 and you used to rock six class, two jobs, run, swim, bike, and study a second language for fun and then BAM you're not allowed to do most of that... and your friends still do all of that... you get bitter.

And baby I am bitter.

All I've got to do is wait.  This will get better enough for me to be normal again.  Maybe I will never run, bike, swim, or go backpacking.  Maybe I will always have to be careful.  But I need to believe I can be normal again, or I don't know how I'll keep smiling.  I still know this isn't really ending my life, but it feels like it is.  Like someone put me on pause, except everyone else gets to  continue.

I want to bike until I can hardly catch my breath, run until every muscle pounds with blood rushing to my heart.  But I've learned that life isn't fair and I may never get these things, and if I don't get the fuck over it I wont ever be happy again.  But no matter how many times I say that, it breaks my heart to think about never feeling all that.  And the reality that the universe owes me nothing and I am thus guaranteed nothing is terrifying.  People say, "You'll run again." And I say, "Why?  Why will I?  What kind of assurance do I really have here?"

None.

There's none.

londontrick

Classes have started again.  It was very painful.

I have learned something:  Life is not fair.

I know my situation could be worse.  But going to Japan was my biggest dream - I was so excited - I've laughed and smiled so many more times than I can ever hope to remember.

I have to go home.  Every second of every single day here, I have been in pain.  While I write this, my knees and spine are aching.  I don't want to leave, this country has made me fall in love with it, but my body disagrees.  It has become a cage, my ruler, chains locking me to the floor in relentless pain.

I have one plan before going home.  I will ask Ikeda-sensei if I can study from my room.  I'm sure he will say だめです、but what do I have to lose?  Even if he says YES, I think I will still need to go home.

Physically I know I can stay.  I can be here and be in pain all the time, I'm a very strong person; but I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't have to.


I already know the pain is bearable if I don't have to stay still for more than 20 minutes, plus all the medical help I will get at home.


I'm waiting until next Friday to decide for sure.  Though, I think I will end up going home.

londontrick

Okay okay today is better.  I just get stressed out about it sometimes.  Anyway.

I'm still on Spring Break 春休みだから、so, I'm not doing much.  I think today 多分今日、I'm going to the city with friends 私と友達はまちに行くつもり。  Haha it's fun to write like that - その書き方は楽しいね　笑。Not sure though... I'm pretty content in my solitude at Kaikon (the residence).  Soon it will end, because new people are coming, so I want to enjoy the quietness.

I don't actually have anything to talk about....!  Osaka was awesome, when I went.  I want to go again, and then to Okinawa.  I wont let my back stop me - the doctor said it was okay.

きっと行く！

londontrick

Nevermind that was STUPID.

I am not that weak!  I can push through all of this bullshit.

SOMEDAY

NO MORE BITCHING. DONE.

londontrick

Standing at the East, looking at the West, at home - it's like standing on the moon and looking up at Earth.  North America (mostly the US) is on tv, is talked about, is known, but the Japanese idea of it is different from the real thing.  It's the same way at home, but backwards: Japan is known, talked about, but what it's actually like here is so different from the Western idea.  It's hard to explain.  I suggest moving to a different continent for a year, and boycotting facebook.

After this month, I will try a week without facebook.  

I've learned a lot about the Chinese government here.  Two words Social Oppression.  The government can and will fire you or your loved ones, can and will take away your citizenship but lock you in the country.  The idea is so foreign.  There is no easily accessible porn.  Censored books, movies, histories!  The Chinese people, my friend told me, want it to change, but it's difficult.  She has never seen the Tiananmen Square video, and knows little about it as a whole.  Her father loves Mao - she is afraid to learn more about him, because to show dislike for Mao can mean trouble from the government for her family and friends.  It sounds surreal to me.

I still spend too much time in my room, but I'm hurt.  I try to remind myself that for now, it's okay to be resting so much. t still hurts to walk more then 20 minutes, so you should be resting! I say to myself.  But I want to go see things.  I'm going to visit a friend in Hyogo (Osaka) on the 19th.

I can't wait for summer.  Japan doesn't know the word 'insulation' in reference to buildings, so I spend all of my time freezing.  My room is whatever temperature the outside is.  I should be occupying my recovery time with studying Japanese, but instead I'm reading books like I used to when I was a kid.  I need to at least watch Japanese tv, or I'll forget everything!  I'm always surprized at how much of the tv I understand.  Sometimes I even laugh at jokes in Japanese.

でも、難しいね。

londontrick

I am in a better mood now.  I still have random moment when I'm neck-deep in a black hole, but they're fewer.  Chronic pain is depression fuel.  The doctor here changed my meds to a lesser dose, so the pain is back when I sleep... but I can fall asleep.  So I will deal, 我慢できる！

I failed two tests during the first semester.  44% and 45%.  Honestly I don't mind - I was put into a class above my level, refused entry into an easier class, and taking 11 pills a day.  So.  It happened, it's over, I will study more next term.

Living in Japan is like living on another planet.  No joke.  That's the only way I can put it.  Being a foreigner here is, I think, very different from being a foreigner in Canada.  Here's an example:

A friend of mine, 康甘霖, went home early.  I wanted to throw him a surprise Chinese New Year/Going Away Party.  So I went to the International Office to fill out the paperwork to get permission to use the common room for a party.  Under the title Reason, I wrote, 'Chinese New Year Party.'

 Instantly, two staff members asked me, 'Why are you making a Chinese New Year Party?'  And, being Canadian, I just answered, 'My friend is leaving soon so I want to surprise him with a party.'  They still seemed confused.  I finally clued in to at least half of the problem and said, 'My friend is Chinese.'  They said, 'Oh I see!' and told me I was very kind.

The party went fine.

A few weeks later, I went to the doctor.  Someone from the International Office comes with me, because I can't speak medical Japanese.  I always forget her name.  I'm not bad at Japanese names but hers constantly slips my mind... Takahatsuki-san? Maybe.  Anyway, while we were walking to the doctor:

'I'm not sure if I can ask you this...'

'Of course, ask anything!'

'...but a few weeks ago you had the Chinese party?'

'Yes...'

We talked about how it went, and eventually,

'Well, no one at the office could understand... Why,why was a Canadian girl planning a Chinese New Year party?'

And then it hit me like spade to the face.  At home, it's perfectly normal for someone who is not Chinese to celebrate Chinese new year.  Any excuse for a party, eh Canada?  We have so many Chinese, so many foreigners, that celebrating foreign holidays is just... whatever.  

But in Japan, it's not normal.  Chinese celebrate Chinese holidays.  Japanese people, for the most part, do not know of the cultural diversity in Canada, and they don't have much cultural diversity themselves, so a Canadian planning a Chinese party was weird.  Can you imagine?  

Japan's borders are very closed.  The minds of the older generation are the same.   I explained to Takahatsuki-san (maybe Takatsuki-san?) that my friends and I celebrate Chinese New Year and none of us are Chinese.  She was surprised.  'Why?' she asked.  I explained that Canada is a very open country, that Canadians and Foreigners get on like a house-fire, that even my grandmother has a Chinese friend.  She understood and saw nothing wrong with it.

But I was so surprised!  It never even crossed my mind that it would be weird!  

Furthermore, to me anyway, anyone living in Canada is Canadian.  Chinese, Russian, African, Jamaican, French, I don't care, you all look Canadian to me when you're knee deep in snow, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this.  I don't even notice Chinese people any more... they're just part of Canada, and welcome.  Sometimes, when I used to take the bus to the university, the bus driver and myself were the only white people, and it's normal, I just smiled to myself.

But it is not the same here.  You're either Japanese or Not Japanese.  And if you're Not Japanese, then you're different, and never really accepted... but the social regularities in Japan make me never want to be accepted.

Not showing you emotions in public is just impossible.  I can pretend to be happy when I'm not - but I can't pretend to be indifferent.  I can't not laugh at a funny movie in the cinema, I can't be quiet when I want someone to hear me, and I can't get the hang of what Wakui-sensei aways says to me, "Marsha, you can't speak like that in Japanese, it's too strong."  Please do not mistake this for unwillingness to follow the culture's customs.  I am not unwilling, I am unable.  Seriously.  I can't be Japanese, it's too stressful.

I'm not sure if it's just the opinion of a Westerner, or if there really is a problem with the social norms in Japan.  But I think there is a problem.  Maybe not because of hiding of you really feel - but in the work place.

I will talk about that next time!  :D

Lastly, to be clear, I like this country.  People are kind-hearted, hard-working, and at least in Niigata, selfless.  I have yet to hear a Japanese person talk about themselves like I hear USA/Canadians/Europeans/UK/Westerners do it.  

But it's still like I'm living on Mars.

londontrick

So I have a slipped disc in my spine.  It really sucks to finally be in Japan but be unable to go DO anything because I hurt my spine trying to be healthy, just be healthy, just because I love to run.  It could be worse is my mantra.  Ugh.  The pills I'm on make me so sleepy.  I had no idea life could be this.  I'm lost in a fog of grey.  

A friend of mine, let's just call him Mark, when I told him 'It could be worse,' he said that 'Yeah but it could always be worse.'  And he's right.  But I don't like his way of thinking.  Just because my situation could also be better doesn't mean I should sit around being depressed all the time.  What's more is that the doctor actually gave me a date - 3 to 6 months.  BUT thing thing IS that I pulled my groin and my doctor in Canada said 4 weeks, but it took a whole year.  Every day I would think Okay today it's gonna be better, today it wont hurt, this is the day my groin heals!  And you know what?  After all those days of disappointment, it eventually DID heal.  And then I was running again.

And THEN my back started to hurt.  And again, every day I would think, oh it'll be better soon, just a few weeks, don't give up!

And now I have a slipped disc.  It's going on three years of this.  I'm having a hard time believing the doctor when he says it will heal in 3 to 6 months.  I can't find my spirit.  It's gone.  And I know it could be worse, and there are moments when I'm really happy, but I still just can't believe that my body will heal.  I don't want to hope for it anymore.

These thoughts are normal for someone who's experiencing chronic pain

And then I know I let it stand in my way.  I want to study Japanese, but I let my back get in the way.  Yes I'm scared and yes the pills make me sleepy, but I'm not dying, I don't need to be this pathetic.

I want my body to be normal again.  I want to bike and swim and, someday, I really want to run again.  I'm sure my doctor will say, 'If you run again you risk slipping another disc.'  

I hate every person who complains about the way their body looks.  At least your bod works!  I sit on the floor in class, and a few weeks ago I couldn't get out of bed without screaming, using the bathroom was a nightmare.  I was honestly afraid of going to sleep because getting into bed was insanely painful and once I was in there I couldn't move, never mind trying to get out of it the next morning.

OKAY enough of feeling sorry for myself.  Homework!