my puppy was dying and then she died. she was old, but it was sudden. it's a long story that is ultimately a short story. she had an amazing life and she went downhill very quickly out of nowhere. it was hard and long and short and good and hard. i don't know. she's in the freezer. she's so soft and her little feet smelled like grass and her heart did such a good job and her little bony spine and tiny cow hips. she cried and i cried and i am exhausted from two sleepless nights and happy for her completing her journey and it feels impossible that she is not here, or anywhere, or at all.

i will try to write more actual things and give her a better tribute and try to process all of this but i just need to mark the space that she is not in, and what feels like a transition between selves. i have an idle thought of creating a timeline of my life and the continuities between years. she's been here over 2/3 of my life. different selves of her, as she wound down, sometimes unrecognisable from where we are now. true of all of us, i guess. all the lasts that i didn't even know. unsettling to take that reminder forward in a healthy way when i'm already so focused on it.

anyway. i don't know.