I tend to experience the strongest of emotions when someone leaves the physical world. I am always overwhelmed with sadness and fatigue to a degree, which is very unhealthy. I suppose I always believed that this was because I simply missed the person who passed very much, but I was often plagued with confusion as sometimes I didn’t even know the person all that well. Somehow though, I felt as though I was experiencing the loss on an intimate and extremely personal level. It was not until I began to understand that I am a true empath that it hit me: I experience the feelings of those who were very close to the individual who went into the spirit world. These feelings were not necessarily my own.
The absolute first person to clarify this to me is my friend, Bev, over at Ghost Talk Blog. I literally made my husband stop what he was doing and listen to me explain this to him as I could not believe I had gone most of my life not understanding this seemingly obvious fact about myself. He agreed that this description fit me like a glove. Thank you again, Bev!
Upon learning this fact, I began to go over times when I felt this way. The most recent experience that stood out to me was when I lost two very young boys whom I once taught. They both had cancer at the same time and same age and were friends. What are the odds, right? I had not taught them in years, but I found out through the grapevine that they were both sick. I got in contact with their families and with them and did what I could to help out.
When the first boy passed away, I was in disbelief, and ironically, the other boy, who was also battling cancer, is the one who called to give me the sad news. I took his passing very hard and continued to meet with his mother and siblings thereafter. It was very obvious to me that I provided some relief and happiness for his mother that he was cared for by other individuals in his life. She later came right out and told me on several occasions that every time she heard from me, it made her day. I didn’t quite understand this but took it as a compliment nonetheless. I was grateful to bring her a sense of peace. Still, it was extremely hard for me, and I would often sob for hours on end afterward. On several occasions, I admitted to my husband that I felt that I was suffering his loss as though I were his mother and not simply a former teacher he had. My husband, at the time, could not understand this, but he was so used to me being this way after funerals and the like, that it had become the norm to see my suffering this way I suppose. We often agreed that it must be because I was not comfortable with loss, having lost my father at such a young age. That is the only thing that seemed plausible anyway.
When the second boy passed away about a year later, I was devastated once again. I had this strong urgency to call his mother days before. Admittedly, I had not kept in quite as much touch with this second boy’s family, mostly due to the exhaustive mourning I felt after the passing of the first. I had to leave a message because she did not answer, and it surprised me when she did not return my phone call. When I found out that he had passed away, it was a sinking feeling like no other. I had to ask my mom and husband to go with me to the services, and when his mother saw me, she hugged me so tightly and thanked me. She even apologized for not having returned my call to which of course, I now knew why. He was dying in the hospital when I was calling. I remember the blank stare she had on her face, whose direction was aimed straight at me, and I felt as though I needed to react but couldn’t. She stared right at me and through me, and all I could feel was her very heavy emptiness. I remember seeing her in my mind’s eye dropping to her knees with her mouth open crying out soundlessly, yet she did none of those things. I remember being confused by these images. I remember watching her as they lowered her oldest son into the ground and feeling her drowning in pain as she held her head high, tearless along with her husband and younger son after having cried a thousand tears over, I’m sure.
These events, in particular, have affected me greatly. I often feel a strong sense of anxiety worrying over my own sons. I worry about loss. I worry about struggles. I worry about suffering. I worry needlessly in many ways sometimes, and I am hoping that this new found knowledge in the spirit world and my abilities can lead me to a place of understanding and peace so that I can breathe more easily in my new skin and enjoy the physical world with my family until it is time for the spirit world to be entered. So far, I can say that just knowing I am empathic has helped me tremendously to separate what is mine from what is not. That is an enormous first step for me. Out of how many more steps? I wonder. For now, let’s just get through today.
Lights of Clarity - My Path to Understanding 