About Me
Hi, and welcome to my nameless blog.
If you like to skim here is a short about me.
I’m a 32 year old lesbian with Aspergers. I had a 5 year relationship with a woman that did not work out. I was not happy in it, and neither was she. I am now in a new relationship and very, very, very happy. I am eager to see how Asperger’s affects a relationship, and how I will be able to make her happy.
For those of you with time, here is a longer story.
In May 2013, had a very interesting 30th birthday gift. I was given a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. My girlfriend had mentioned several times since we first met that I have this syndrome, but it was all in fun. All we knew about Aspergers were the extreme cases that you see on movies, or Grey’s Anatomy, where there was briefly a surgeon who flipped out if she was touched.
The comments were overlooked and I was simply seen as a bit strange. But she was right. And Aspergers was not simply the few quirks we thought it was.
So who am I? I was born in the western United States in a suburb of a huge city. I was an ambitious child yet had been to countless therapists for selective mutism. I was absolutely obsessed with animals. Other than mutism, a terrible sense of fashion, and hair that was completely matted, I was a happy and active child. In high school I became depressed because I did not evolve socially. I did not understand the dynamics of successful interactions with pubescent teenagers. When I did interact, I could only say things that were funny, and/or immature, and that ashamed me. I was not able to create bonds. One day, in 10th grade, I just gave up with trying to fit in. I spent every free minute of my school time alone in the library, writing about how I did not deserve to be on the planet because I was not a person like everyone else.
I was still happy with every other part of my life. I had a horse that I saw every day. I had 32 pet rats, two dogs, 3 frogs, a few birds, and a turtle. I often brought a rat to school in my pocket.
I was smart, but lazy.
Then I went to college. College threw me off completely. There were so many things wrong with my college life I can’t even begin to explain it. Maybe I will try in my blog.
College was when I hit rock bottom and decided there was nowhere to go but up. No drugs, no violence, and no other people were involved in my fall. It was my lack of ability to function in a world I didn’t understand.
The ambition I had as a child came back to me when I dropped out of college with a 1.5 GPa. I took some time to get myself back together. I went back to school and got a Bachelors degree with a 3.4 GPA (it would have been higher but some grades were lowered due to my lack of social skills…) This was 8 years after I graduated from high school.
When I went back to school after dropping out, I was a completely different person. My entire goal in life was to fight against EVERYTHING that was holding me back. This was my concentration, and my social skills. I majored in a language so I would learn to communicate. Before I graduated I studied abroad for a year. Looking back now, I call this my “Asperger soul searching.” After two semesters in France, I spent the summer alone, walking for 500 miles across the entire country of Spain, on the Way of Saint James. After these travels I had friends from all over the world and I was a confident English, French, and Spanish speaker. I was confident that whatever was holding me back had been conquered, and that the doors had opened to succeeding in anything I desired to achieve.
I was not until after college that I admitted to myself that I was a lesbian. I had tried to date guys in vain. I could get men to look past my oddities, but I could not force myself to love them.
I joined the Peace Corps. I became fluent in yet another language. It was a West African local village language. I had a wildly successful and forever memorable Peace Corps service.
I met a girl online while I was I Africa. I was not trying to meet a girl while I was there. I had given up hope that I could find someone to join me in my travels and share in my ambitions, but out of all, to find a girl that could look past my oddities.
I am not religious, but this partnership did not happen by chance. Both of us had been trying to better ourselves, and something greater than us put us together so we could help one another.
We have been together for 5ish years. We have had terrible issues that have evolved into paths toward a deeper love, understanding, and compromise. We are now a “normal”, happy couple building a life together. Well, as well as an A.S. and N.T. couple can.
While my ambition has tackled the paralyzing aspects of Aspergers, it will always be a part of me. There are only so many rules that I can stack inside my small brain. I freeze in social situations for which I have no proper list of rules. In order to be able to use any of those lists, I must be alert to the need. Sometimes I forget that I am different, and I try to say what comes naturally to me. I can still silence an entire room with one line. I am far too familiar with looks of confusion on people with whom I attempt to engage in small talk.
And so I will blog about what makes me an Aspie. I find great importance in Aspie’s being self aware, so I will talk about ways I have overcome some of the crippling aspects of…myself. Also, I will certainly mention struggles I face, because living in a world of Neurotypicals ensures that they will never stop.
I have had dating experience, and been in relationships lasting from 10 days to five years. I have gained a lot of insight into how Asperger’s affects relationships. The key thing on my part is to be aware of my partners needs, learn them in detail, and in turn, teach mine. Not everyone can be happy being in a relationship with an Aspie. IN turn, an Aspie can’t be happy with just anyone. I hope to share some of the things I’ve learned about being in a relationship in this blog.
I would like this blog to be a resource, therefore I will attempt not to make it a vent-fest. I want the posts to be easy to read. I want people to learn from my posts, and perhaps relate to them. I welcome comments with reading insights, questions, etc.
If you have read this far, I congratulate you. If you are interested in following my blog, I welcome you. I also welcome questions. All I can offer to them is my opinion.
I am a lesbian with Aspergers. Does that make me a Lesperger? 
bee
July 10, 2013 at 5:57 am
This is wonderful. I feel very connected to you, like
I am apart of your journey.
mark kent
August 25, 2013 at 3:52 pm
hello, i get your blog. i am from England. I AM.. NOT GAY,very well done to you for being gay//
having aspergers.i just like too chat /make friends. i have aspergers and i have M.E..if you have
heard of this. i take part in a lot lot research from a lot universities.if you would like too ask me
any thing please do.YOU LIKE PETS A LOT THEN..if you would like to reply please do
my e.mail mkentdad12@outlook.com
mark
Lauren
April 8, 2014 at 7:23 am
Hey,
Thanks so much for deciding to make your blog! It’s nice that you’re willing to share your perspectives! I haven’t been diagnosed with asperger’s, but I’ve been thinking that it might apply to me. Or I’m just eccentric and not very good at people, either way 🙂 And I am also a lesbian (well mostly at least).
I was wondering if I could ask you a bit about your peace corps experience? I’m going to be leaving for peace corps service in June and I will also be going to West Africa (Togo). I was wondering if maybe you have any advice/suggestions for making connections with your community? I tend not to be particularly good at meeting new people, or especially large groups of people, but I can make good friendships with individuals. It occurred to me that it might actually be more okay to not always get social rules over there, since I’ll be an american and people might not expect me to understand the social rules. I’d love to hear about your experiences working in a different culture and meeting new groups of people if you’d be willing! If you have any thoughts about what it was like to be gay during your service, that would be welcome too! I’ll leave my email in the box below.
Thank you very much!
Lauren
lesperger
April 8, 2014 at 4:27 pm
Hi Lauren,
I’m glad my perspectives may be useful to you! I will send you a private email answering your questions, and I’m thinking that my next blog will be Peace Corps related 🙂 I know I don’t post often, and I attribute it to school, but I will definitely continue to post as I learn stuff that I think others may be curious to know.
X
April 12, 2014 at 1:14 pm
Hi i’m a lesbian in my first relationship its been about a year and whilst, from a young age , suspecting there was something not quite right about me, my girlfriend has noticed things that only close members of my family noticed when I lived with them , things that annoyed them, coldness, issues with touch, being defensive, since i told her i might have autism she’s been researching and i think the things she has read are putting her off. I don’t blame her btu weve been seeing each other for almost a year and i really love her i’m glad your doing this blog and was just wondering if you had any advice i don’t want to lose her and it seems the more i try and explain how i feel the deeper i dig a hole in our relationship Thanks for your time
lesperger
April 12, 2014 at 7:30 pm
Hi!
My girlfriend read things on the internet once about how terrible relationships are for neurotypicals dating someone with Aspergers. It got her quite upset, even though most of the things listed only happened occasionally, and not nearly as extreme as some things she read. It can be dangerous when someone reads about things that haven’t happened. In this case, I would ask her 1) what she read, and 2) does she feels any of those things are true, and 3) if so, which ones. If she tells you, listen very carefully, trying not to get offensive. Then, perhaps, you may ask what she does like about you. If she can list things, that is a good sign she wants to work on the relationship.
As for her not understanding you, it goes two ways. Before she can understand you, it would be good to sit with her and ask how she feels about something, or what she thought about the way you reacted to something you two were talking about, or doing. It also work when you ask for honest feedback about activities you do that include other people. If you can get her talking, you are on the right track. Listen carefully. The biggest thing I’ve learned to keep my girlfriend happy, is that I always try to understand what makes her unhappy, or makes her uncomfortable, and I try to give myself rules, in my head, to prevent myself from making her feel uncomfortable. This may be a lot of listening and not making her understand me, but by doing this, she started to understand how I felt. She understood that I needed descriptions of things I was doing wrong, because I was not a rude person, I just honestly did not understand why she was upset. When she helped me come up with rules to improve my behavior in certain scenarios, she began to see problems that we had in a different light. Instead of becoming angry, she might come up and start talking to me, saying that we need to discuss something I did that she did not like. Doing this a billion times with her has built us a loving, Trusting foundation.
Eventually you can work in your perspective when you discuss issues. For me, my perspective often does not make sense to her. What makes her understand me Is the confusion I express when she tries to explain wh I was being odd or rude or inappropriate.
In any case, I still like to argue using my perspective sometimes because it’s fun to see her confused. I confuse a lot of people when I try to give my perspective in some things… Like feelings.
The thing that doesn’t work for me in any relationship is guessing how the other person feels. I cannot ever be in anrelationship where there is unspoken expectations, or negative feelings towards me. My girlfriend and I took a long time building our communication system. It now benefits both of us. For her, she has never been in a relationship with such good communication. Our communication has built a mutual trust between us that she says she has never had before, and it makes her feel secure and protected. For me, I have someone who can put up with me. For me, that us hard to find. The communication she loves is not a perk for me, it’s a necessity. So in a way, I provide a huge positive aspect to our relationship.
So my advice for you is to try to get her to talk about things that are bugging her, and listen, and show a willingness to change.
If you have issues that you want to talk about a lot, you can tell her if she wants to listen. Sometimes problems that go back to childhood can be to heavy to talk about with a partner until your got a handle on them, so you don’t out too much pressure on them to come up with a solution. So, talk about it to a counselor, perhaps one that is familiar with autism. It might help you to come to terms with ways you are different. It may increase your self awareness, which in an invaluable trait in anyone, but especially those with Aspergers. I have seen counselors about some of my loner term insecurities regarding interactions with people. It has helped a lot. I am also on medication that helps with depression and anxiety, which often coincide with Aspergers. For her, and me, those meds have been a godsend.
Good luck! The first year or two is always a huge learning experience in any and all relationships
Myriam
April 18, 2014 at 3:20 pm
Dear Lesperger,
I’m Myriam Leggieri and I’m a PhD student in computer science
(http://www.insight-centre.org/users/myriam-leggieri) with a passion for
social issues. Since social work doesn’t pay much, I’m trying to use my
programming skills to help society nonetheless, especially those people
more in need. I volunteer for an autism-related charity in my city,
Galway, Ireland (Galway Autism Partnership) and that’s where the idea of
a mobile app to support independent living for adult with autism raised.
I’m currently developing a mobile app called “My Ambrosia”
(my-ambrosia.com) that is a weekly meal recommender (for healthy diet
style), planner (to take the fuss out of organizing) and grocery
shopping support (to never waste or run out of food items).
The idea was accepted to the second stage (out of three) of the Student
Entrepreneur Awards competition, so that I’m now in the process of
writing a Business Plan.
In particular, I’m running a Market Research and I’d love to get
feedback on the concept behind my app, from adults with autism. I’m a little struggling with this
because all the charities I contacted deal with children and parents of
children with autism, rather than with adults.
Could you kindly help me out by simply filling the questionnaire at
http://my-ambrosia.com/?q=survey , please? Also it
would be super-awesome if you could spread the word and ask your friends to fill the questionnaire.
I read that you usually eat the same thing for long time frames. I wonder, how would you like an app to recommend the best meal for you, taking into consideration your own preferences? Maybe the recommender could stick to only a small set of food items that you like in this specific time period. It would suggest the best combination of those food items which may not be the healthiest ever but still as healthy as you can get, while satisfying your current wishes.
Thanks a million in advance! and keep up the great work 😉
Best regards,
Myriam Leggieri
X
April 21, 2014 at 5:40 pm
THankyou so so much for your advice. We’ve been discussing stuff alot more and hopefully everything will work out. I’m working real hard on gaining a little more self-awareness and cutting down on some ingrained drinking habits. I’m really thankful that you have this blog keep on writing your great at it you and your girlfriend seem like lovely people !!
Georgia
September 22, 2014 at 3:47 am
Hi, I just wanted to leave a quick comment to thank you for your blog. I have very recently just started dating a beautiful, really kind woman who I would love to build a strong relationship with. She has not told me that she has aspergers, but there are many signs (socially awkward, her huge knowledge and brilliance, one sided conversations, etc). She has also made a couple of “rude” comments but I’m a very open, patient, understanding and forgiving person so I try not to react at things. I was in a relationship with another girl who had aspergers about 4-5 years ago (she also had BPD, anxiety and was a drug addict – most of these I didn’t know about her until the middle-end of the relationship) which ended very badly. But this girl seems different and more open about things (obviously not being on drugs helps). I wanted to know if you had any advice on how to communicate with her if she says something that is a bit rude, if I should ask her about aspergers or wait until she tells me (she may not even be diagnosed, i have no idea), how to build trust and strength with her, etc? Thanks again.
lesperger
February 26, 2015 at 4:05 am
Hello, Georgia.
I apologize for neglecting your comment. Are you still with this gal? If so, how is it going?
Valentina
September 26, 2014 at 7:56 am
Dear Lauren,
I found your blog and read your amazing life story. I am writing you because I would be interested in knowing more about your experience as a lesbian woman with Asperger. It’s been a long time since people told me that I am quirky and that I do not feel or behave as other people. Sometimes I assume that people have a certain perception of life, and when my friends explain to me how it works I am always surprised because most of time I can’t feel in the same way. Often I do not know how to fit and I always made a lot of efforts to adapt. Not long time ago, a friend of mine suggested me to do a test online for Asperger, but I do not know how reliable they are. Moreover, I am lesbian as well, but I could not say that I am lesbian as my lesbian friends. I am a different thing that I can’t explain. I never thought that the Asperger thing could be a possibility because my idea about Asperger people is different. Do you have something to suggest me to better understand myself? Thank you very much, Valentina
lesperger
February 26, 2015 at 4:18 am
Hi Valentina,
Sorry about the delay. I’m guessing you are talking to me and not lauren? in any case, I shall reply.
Lesbianism is a culture, and a sexual orientation. I am a lesbian by orientation, but I know very little to nothing about the culture. What I know about it is what I see from a distance, but I’ve never participated in a large group of lesbian friends. I am a lesbian because the idea of being intimate with any man is disgusting. Though I like being friends with them, and its disapointing if one starts to crush on me. ugh. Women are what I love, and I’m happy just loving the one I have.
I would suggest getting tested. What you are describing about your friends explaining others’ behaviors and working overly hard to find a way to act around people is very aspergery. I thought all that was normal when I went to get tested for ADD. When she found out how much I analyzed each social situation because each one was baffling to me, it was the start of the aspergers thing. That, and the fact that I always said odd things in a monotone voice. lol.
In any case, whether or not you are tested, if you have traits, do research. If you feel most comfortable getting an official label, get tested! Your idea of Aspergers is not as thorough as a professional tester. I was shocked when I was diagnosed because I had a completely wrong view of what aspergers was.
That said, I think my life was pretty successful even before I was diagnosed. Being diagnosed, however, has been one of the best things that happened to me, as it helped me understand why I am the way I am.
Natalie
February 26, 2015 at 3:24 am
Hey, do you still post or read posts on here, the comments are really old. I typed into google: lesbian with aspergers and yours is the first that came up. google is weird sometimes. I’m a 36 year old lesbian in Australia. If you ask anyone who knows me and they if they know what aspergers is they would say i have it. But i dont know, haven’t been diagnosed. Haven’t bothered to find out. Everything seems to fit though. I’ve never had many friends and I’ve given up long ago on trying to relate to ppl. I never got bullied in school or anything but i did not have many friends it seemed like there was something wrong with me but couldn’t put a finger on just what. I always believe that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I didn’t have anything nice to say. so i didn’t say anything at all. And so i didn’t talk much and was labeled as shy. Maybe i’m just a bitch.
I went to University and the only friends i had were the guys who tried to ask me out.
These days I just skip the work occasions where it would require small talk and mingling. There are only a couple of ppl at work who i seems to get along really well with but i dont see them outside of work.
I’ve been pretty lucky in life, I haven’t had too much trouble picking up girls. In nightclubs u dont really talk, but i cant dance so i just skip right to the sex which i love more than anything. I never had any feelings of love for men but can’t resist women. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years now and we actually have 2 kids. I sometimes worry that they will copy me and be like me. I try to encourage them to spend lots of time with their friends. I suppose i work hard in my working life as i may have something like Imposter Syndrome – feel like a fake and I got the job as i think i managed to fool them.
Anyway, be interesting to see if anyone is still reading this.
lesperger
February 26, 2015 at 4:04 am
Hi Natalie,
You are correct, I have been neglecting the blog. It’s sad really, because i am still on the internet all the time. arg! I actually think about it a lot, but unfortunately put it too far in the back of my mind. I suppose I felt I didn’t have any ideas to talk about that people would actually want to read. I will try to post more, and I welcome questions about subjects, or problems with life people may be having. I have a lot of odd issues (mostly minor) and I love the feeling of figuring things out that have to do with my oddities.
Thank you for sharing your experience. As someone who was diagnosed at 30, I think it’s beneficial being diagnosed. Sure you can still address it if you aren’t diagnosed, and that is all fine, But, I just began getting some counseling, specifically to address the way my aspergers is negatively affecting my relationship.I feel that I wouldn’t be seeing a psychologist for Asperger- specific reasons if I weren’t,and consequently, the correct things would not be addressed. My new doc is an aspergers genius and is really opening my mind to the perspectives of normal folks. It’s like, I’m around them all the time, and I understand them pretty well… but…. I don’t. Especially the emotions of my partner, unfortunately. One odd thing I’ve learned is that I do not really understand the emotions that I am feeling. When I feel a negative emotion, I just let it build unknowingly and instead of letting it out, it affects the way I interact with my partner. I get bossy and finicky, and stop paying attention to her needs.
I understand your worry about negatively influencing your children. I’m afraid to have kids, and my partner is actually nervous about my ability to sense the needs of a child. We my end up being a couple without children. But who knows. I know there are lots of success stories with Asperger folks raising kids.
Anyhoo, I read your post and rambled stuff back. let me know if you (or anyone reading this) has any questions.
Vicky Prest
March 10, 2015 at 12:29 pm
I am so glad that I discovered this blog! Like you, I am a lesbian from England and found out that I have Aspergers at the age of 31. I am in a committed relationship and it was only through out immense communication difficulties that my gf, on the verge of breaking up with me, suggested that I might have a form of Autism. I have only read the first page of this blog but I cannot wait to dive more into it as I can really relate to a lesbian NT/AS relationship. Thanks so much!
lesperger
March 11, 2015 at 12:25 am
Hi Vicky! I’m glad to connect with others like myself! I would be glad to have your experiences and insights commented on my blog so I can learn more as well. I’m interested in knowing how your diagnosis has affected your relationship. For me,it changed it, but not a ton until recently, which is almost two years after I was first diagnosed. I have recently learned so much about how Asperger’s affects my relationship, it’s going to be a hot topic on my next few blog posts. What I’ve learned in only a short time has made huge differences. Anyway, nice to “meet you” and thanks for commenting!
colormeanew
May 19, 2015 at 8:44 am
Hi. I think I might have aspergers and Im a gay girl. I’m real excited to read your past posts. But I was wondering if I could ask you personal-ish questions?
Like did you always know you were gay?
Or did you ever confuse being a friend and emotionally attached with being attracted to a person?
Is it hard for you to be traditionally romantic and think of ways to surprise your wife/girlfriend?
I don’t know. I’m just really confused and possibly overthinking my life, my past. I don’t know how to tell if I do have aspergers, for my younger brother it was easy hes so by the book stereotypical aspie. But we were raised different.
anyways…..if you read this thankyou 🙂
E S
May 27, 2015 at 2:21 am
Thank you for this awesome blog.
I am gay and I am starting a relationship with a woman with Aspergers.
I am trying very hard to understand what she is going through (although I will never actually know). I want to treat her with the utmost respect and not do anything that would make her uncomfortable or put her in a bad situation. I feel as if I can a least try to understand and he sensitive I can learn to treat her with the respect she deserves. She is one of the most awesome women I have ever met.
I still have a lot to learn about this but your blog is giving me insight and it is appreciated.
Thank you and you rock!
Jo baines
September 28, 2017 at 9:28 pm
I appluade and congratulate your blog. As the NT wife of a recently diagnosed aspie, i would love some insight into her world, how I can make it better for her, how she can make it better for me, and how we find a path through this. We love each other immensely, bit we have both recognised this won’t be enough. We need the day to day to work, and that’s the challenge. High five you, thank you so much h for the insight I anticipate you will give us… well maybe just me lol… But insight all the same xxxxxx
lesperger
September 28, 2017 at 10:40 pm
Hello. Thanks for the comment, I sometimes forget that people read this. If I had more comments and requests I’d probably blog on it more, I’m still in my relationship from my most recent blog and was recently married to her. We are so happy to be together and have both agreed that the need to be aware of ourself and how we are interacting with each other is very important. It’s also important to provide feedback. Also, as Shen learns more about aspergers we prevent less moments of confusion between us. I don’t think love will ever be enough for an aspie NT couple. But working on ourselves and how to make the other happy makes any relationship stronger…. we just work on different types of issues and must learn the others perspective, which is totally doable as long as both partners open and agree to learning. Good luck and if you have a subject request let me know.