I guess in a way I feel this might be better if I chose some music to listen to while I write...

Fitting... Beck - Modern Guilt.

Great album, quite out there... but at the same time it makes me feel from the past, not the future. Odd that new music could do that. But to quote "Im fighting this fire with my bare hands" ...  If you have not heard the album, it is very good. I can thank TIMMY! for that one. Good kid, I wonder what happened to him.

On a good note, I am a nasty icky smoker. But I have been smoking off of this pack of cigarettes since Saturday night. I think that is pretty damned good! I am reminded by my mother that smoking is one of the hardest habits to quit. She had to be doped up and ICU before she could do it and stick with it. Unfortunately my dad was unable to do that for himself just recently.  Mom remains sole hero. A net friend who I care deeply about sent me two scarves that she knitted. I gave one to my mom, because the colors were sooo her, and she proceeded to squee all over the place and thank me. No, thank you. My life would not be the same without my mommy.

I counsel many others, but sometimes I wonder... who is my counselor? I have no one person I always go to. that to me is scarier than not having anyone... But maybe I am just crazy. Or maybe... everyone else is just as crazy, but not nearly as vocal. More things to think about. I wish I could charge my friends more than just love for my advice! but ... I could never do that anyway.  I was just asked by a man I care about "is it bad I took midol to get rid of a headache?" of course not if that's all you had, its good for body aches and swelling, but wtf was he asking me for? 

If anyone wants to tell me about me... go for it! Im tired of telling everyone else about themselves sometimes! 

<3

I got myself this handy dandy livejournal account. I think I used it twice. Now I sit here thinking maybe its a good thing to write out some of my thoughts.

But where do we begin? In my dreams? my reality? are they even different from each other any more? Just FYI anyone who doesn't know... I do not deliver pizza anymore ;) That was totally 2005! I ask myself though, am I any better off now than I was in 2005? I dunno. I'm wiser, older, but not much bolder ...

Things are difficult when you have not much direction at all! Hopefully some good things will be coming my way.

For those Astarian friends of mine, I have been interviewed for wizardry. As soon as everyone found out how far I had gotten into the process it started feeling like a funeral home. I know some of us have left for the staff and never come back, but that's not me babe! (to quote breakfast at tiffany's). I don't want to lose my friends and family. I hope that I can get through the probational period and then chat and have fun. I have no interest in anything new, so it won't be as hard for me to keep my mouth shut on what I am working on. I am actually more open to suggestions. There are places that people don't even bother looking at anymore, because its dull and doesn't say anything. I hope to change that. I want there to be a reason to stop and look at the room you are in. I want to show others what I see... The reaction to how its gone has not encouraged me. It's made me feel like this is something I need to do to show myself I can do it, not that I want to abandon everyone and stop having fun. Oh god I will miss the parties, and the contests, and who will initiate story time? Maybe after probation I can still initiate story time... but I don't wanna push the envelope too far.

Much love kids..

Lately Ive had a hard time playing the 'pizza girl' game. I used to go in to every order and have fun with it, joke with them, play the game and have fun.. possibly getting a good tip. Work seems like no fun anymore. Im losing ammo to create conspiracy theories about! I used to take a delivery to the Elephant Cages and be tickled pink for the fun... now I head up there and figure that its not worth my money no matter how well they tip, and if I cuss too loudly when they stiff me really badly that they will zap me from space :p I think this job is getting to my head. The pizza girl listens... I piece things out in odd ways and have fun with it...

Well... I got a web journal for my own sake. Just to document my 'pizza girl' follies.

I suppose I will explain. Im deliver pizza for Papa John's. We deliver to two military instaliations and homes throughout Anchorage Alaska. Maybe I need to write down my thoughts.

*shrugs