Lost in my own Space.

Yesterday, I saw a article on Buzz Feed called 21 Comics that Capture The Frustration of Depression.  I find this interesting as these comics along with numerous other articles and comics I keep seeing and reading never discuss treatment. The only comic that has ever touched on treatment that I have seen is Least I Could Do. I am shocked by this. I mean I am sure there are other comics and articles that talk about how treatment is necessary and a good thing, but what is with all these articles trying to explain what the problem is? Depression is an illness, a sickness, an affliction. So in the modern world, you treat a sickness. If you have an infection, you go to the doctor, get antibiotics, get better. If you break your hand, you get the bones set and after it heals, you go to physical therapy and get better. If you are a diabetic, you treat the diabetes.   So, why is so hard for people to admit that therapy and anti-depressants / anti-anxiety drugs are useful. I understand depression, what I don't understand is not treating it. Could be that everyone is worried that the treatment will actually work and then you would feel like even more of an ass for not doing it earlier.

On another note on all these comics, they are very self-serving. They always try to tell a story of what it is like to be the person with the depression, but never the frustration of the people around them. Frequently they other people portrayed in the comics as assholes. They are the constant  portrayed as the people who ignore the needs of the main character, or just tell them to snap out of it, or the one who says "OH, this shit again?" Well, that may be what the person writing the story believes but if someone showed up every day with a horrible headache but never went to get it check out or took anything for it and all they did was complain about it, sooner or later it would get old and you wouldn't want to hear about it anymore.

I am depressed. I hate my depression. I fight it, I battle it, but it has a good hold on me. Has for the past year since Jen left me. Fucking broke me and broke my heart, and allowed my depression to get back in and take root. And you know what, I am in therapy and treating that shit. And if someone says, well you don't really have depression, you are just depressed because of that one instance they can go away.  I have had depression since I was a kid but I learned ways to battle, fight, and control it. My old tricks are no longer working, so I am learning new ones. It bothers me that people refuse to do the same and just live wrapped in their negative feelings. Maybe it is comfortable to them.

“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them.” - Philip K. Dick

I have thoughts on words bouncing around my head all day. Words, meanings, vocabulary. Let's see if I can get these down.

Words have power. They can make people laugh, cry, strong, cower, feel many, many things. They can convey emotion and thought, though not perfectly.  And if used slightly wrong or the wrong word is used, the thought or emotion gets misinterpeted. 

When I first started dating Jen, we established some rules. One of the main ones I asked for was that if we were going to have an open relationship that permission be given before hand. This was establish very, very early on in our relationship. Like within a month or two. I had asked for this because of trust issues I was having because of the way things had fallen out in my recently ended relationship with my ex-wife.  At the same time, we established a pattern where permission was almost always given and we were open about our other relationships. Not always, we failed at communication some times, but mostly we were good about the open communication. Though looking back, me more than her. She was always secretive about some aspects of her life, but I never really begrudged her that.

The idea was that we had the ability to make sure that if there was something that made us uncomfortable that the other was engaging in we could voice an objection before it had a chance to hurt us.  Again, this was the idea, not always what occured. Sometimes we failed.

Anyway, at some point that changed and I didn't get the memo. Suddenly, she felt that asking permission was unfair to her as a person and that she no longer wanted that aspect of being controlled. Funny, I never thought of it as controlling.  But, when I confronted her, I made the comment that I had given her every freedom.  And that was the problem. She felt she had to ask for her freedom and it was not mine to give and take away as I saw fit.  That was never the case. I was never controlling. I had a couple objections, some I couldn't put my finger on, but mostly never objected.

So, I have reflected on that a bit. The problem I keep running up against is that I don't have any other words for it. This weekend I slipped and used the same phrase, though i knew it would get tossed back in my face.  I guess the correct set of words would be more that she had every freedom, and she still wanted more.

Another thing I have been bouncing around with is justification. Justification is just another form of excuse.
Couple things on that.
First, I have been having a lot of people telling me my "fellings are justified". I KNOW THEY ARE. Guh. I am going through a rough time. Of course I am feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, etc. Duh. But people always telling me they are is just validating me to keep having them and not letting me work on them.
Second, the justifications used by Jen. They are just excuses that she is using to either remove or redirect responsibility. No matter how a persons actions are justified, the damage and pain caused are still the fault of the person acting. She knows this, of course. I just want to write it down. Maybe it will get out of my head.

A final thing. During this last weekend, Jen stated that she is going to try to be in contact with me more, of her own action. Not me always going to her.  This is hopefully a good thing. I was starting to feel that it was only me that was putting in the work and effort. Hope she follows through.

I have therapy in the morning. Been an interesting week. Tomorrow is another day. Things are what they are.

Feeling pretty anxous about Pi-Con tonight for some reason. Feeling reserved and out of sorts and at the same time a bit panicy. My heart and my head are at the same time at ods with them selves and with each other.

Also, my back is all fucked up and knotted.

Talking to a friend yesterday, they made a comment that though I am currently surrounded my negativity in the course my life has taken me, it hasn't made my energy negative. I am still a positive individual that is just dealing with a hugely crappy situation.
It is funny, the shit lies I keep hearing, seeing. Parrots.e

EDIT: I hate being depressed.

Well, that was fun, in the most sarcastic sense of the word. Therapy was me spewing my brains out this morning.  I had a really bad night last night, mentally and I dumped that shit on the dude this morning. Lots of round and round and coming back to certain issues. I have felt a bit out of sorts and wrung out most of the morning.

One thing I need to get better at is that if I reach out to someone, I need to tell them why and be clear about my needs and what is going on. Saying, "I am having a bad evening" is not the same as saying "it is not safe for me to be by myself right now, can you help me?"

I am still processing some things from this last weekend and trying to organize my thoughts and emotions. I need to figure out healthier reactions to the stresses that are put on me, especially when something totally unexpected happens. Mentally healthier. Physical I can work on later but I need to start taking better care of the mental.

Maybe drinking an entire case of beer in one day is not the healthist way of dealing with a stressful situation.
18 Beers is not an entire case. It is 3/4s of a case.
Maybe you should also drink better beer.

So, I spent the weekend working ong the house. Better to say I spent Saturday working on ghte house. Sunday was a bust, not really that feeling motivated to do more work. A mojor problem I was having on Sunday was homesickness. I was homesick for the life I was packing into boxes, sweeping up, painting over. I was homesick for my life that had been tossed away.
It really started to wear down on me on Sunday mid morning, though I had felt it coming on the previous evening. I had been able to distract myself the night before, mainly by drinking and smoking and talking about shit that didn't matter. But Sunday, it came on and I felt homesick for the place I was in.
I really had become comfortable there, comfortable with my life. Now, I feel cheated and it hurts.

Dinner last night was really good. I got to introduce albreda to shadesong, yendi, and Judah. That went really well. All seemed to get along. The library that is their house helped, I am sure.

albreda spent the night with me, which was really good for us. No SCA event, no other demands on either of us, no part of me wanting to be somewhere else. Nothing but the two of us. Made for a really nice morning, waking up with her.

This morning I was in a great mood, all happy and NRE and smug. And I wasn't paying attention. So when the pain of loss and betrayal came slamming in, my gaurds were not up. Nothing like crying at work.

The emotional flip was hard and fast and crushing. I need to be more careful, especially with the amount of landminds that are lying around in my mental state. I am recovering, slowly.

Over the past 3 years, I have become a really good fighter. I have great days, I have good days, and sometimes I SUCK! It is just the way it is. It is really funny that the times that I have the best days are the days I don't care. If I am just screwing around, yep, gonna have a great day. The times I have hard or crappy days are the times when I stress out and get wrapped up in the outcome of the fights. 

I have heard many talk about the fighter head space.  I think it is different for each fighter, the head space that they get in. Some need to be relaxed and joking, others need to be serious. But one thing I am VERY CERTAIN OF is that negative comments will always make for a bad head space. I say this because of a comment I heard tonight.

I ask a friend if he was going to fight in an upcoming tourney. His comment was that he didn't deserve to be there. I called him on his choice of words. what he meant was there were certain items he was missing from his kit and would not be able to compete in the tourney format. But that is not what he said. I don't think he was intentionally being negative, at least not consciously but that type of wording and phrasing has a way of eating at people.

We play a game. It should be fun. Making comments like that can impact the future. I guess what I am saying is that this is fun, so we should have fun and not be down on ourselves for not winning every fight.

anyway. I hurt and got schooled tonight. And I had a blast.

Had a good weekend. NRWC is a great event and I have always had a great time. I am a little sad that I will not be involved at same the level anymore. I enjoyed the running of that event. It is nice to see all my friends enjoying themselves and having a good time.  Jen has always been an awesome Autocrat for that event and I have really like running it with her.

There are aspects of the past week that have flipped my life even more. I was already tumbling, spinning, flailing, looking for a direction in a storm. So many positive emotional experiences came out of this weekend they are threatening to overshadow the pain and hurt and darkness of the past month.

The newness and elation of a forming relationship is making me smile, it is distracting, and I find myself wrapping the feelings around me like a blanket to keep me warm. Kinda sappy, I know. Shut up. I was not glowing, I was not skipping.

There were strives toward something that Jen and I made. Don't know what, but it felt positive and useful, not distructive. So, that is making me hopeful, though not entirely happy. Continued work is still exhausting, but worth it. 

Also, long car rides when you are tired with a friend who has a great sense of humor can be great for the soul, though I may have trouble eating certain cheeses for a while.

EDIT: It always surprises me to find out people are protective of me. I never think of myself as someone who need protection, figuring that I am strong enough to deal with the consequences of my actions and life. I find it surprising, enlightening, and makes me happy and feel a bit safer during this turmoil. 

I find myself walking a new path, one that I did not intend to be on. One that requires more work than what I had packed for. But, I am walking it, striving forward, making progress. This path, while not the easiest of choices, is the one I choose. Many look at me and say they could never, but who knows what one is capable of until one tries. I know myself. I am self aware. Yet, I am surprised that I am staying true to this path.

 

I will admit, I did stumble at first and took an easier path. I was weak at the start but my resolve got the better of me, made me better and I got back on this path.

 

This is not an easy path, but it is the one I choose.