A rambly update from work
As much as I keep complaining how lj has become so dead, I can't help but point to the fact that I rarely post to guilt myself when I complain. I don't even remember when I last did a real post around here, so I have no idea where to start. Maybe I'll skip the rewind and just talk about where I'm at right now. For those following the work stuff, I'm back to work full time now, and overall am being successful at it. I'm calling in sick about once every two to three weeks, which is a huge improvement from the once every two or three days that was happening before the leave. My boss has complimented me on both my attendance and my work since I've gotten back, so my job situation is helluva lot more secure than it used to be. I do find it hilarious that my work is apparently going well when I'm doing a lot less work than I have in years around here. For example I actually was able to sit and watch two hours of tv on the desk Wednesday. How this is being a good employee I have no idea, but hey, yay tv time!
Because work has settled into a liveable state (my boss treats me like a human being! My coworkers other than one actually are nice to me!) I've put the job search on hold. I'm kind of enjoying my life not being extremely unstable, so I'm embracing the stability of permanent employment that pays the bills. Job hunting is a huge stress on anyone and right now I'm really trying to minimize any and all stresses, so, Brampton is where I am staying at this time. Unless I win the lottery or marry rich. Anyone know a millionaire looking for a wife who lives online?
Outside of work my life is kind of a rollercoaster. Not because of anything in particular but more so because of my own emotions continuing to be unstable. I have one or two weeks of excellent solid mental states, and then it all falls apart again. This month's a great example. I started off May with a trip to NYC where I got to visit with some of my favourite people and spend time in my favourite city. The first few days were awesome and I was totally having a great time but then something inside me just . . . flipped. For no reason that I could tell I was cranky and moody, and was suddenly super tired all the time. I ended up skipping some things I'd previously been looking forward to, wanting to be by myself, and sleeping a huge chunk of my time away. I came home to a weekend with my mom, which was lovely, but as soon as she was gone I again was tired and felt miserable. All these emotions of worthlessness, loneliness, and just apathy swamped me. I wasn't suicidal but I was definitely full out depressed, and ended up calling into work because I could barely get out of bed. The fog didn't really lift until last night, so I lived in five days of it. The only real upper during this time had been the STID viewing Wednesday night, but there were so many issues with the viewing itself and then my mixed feelings on the movie (I expected too much, and therefore wasn't as OMGYAY as I wanted to be -- possibly depression related) that even that didn't pierce the fog for long. Last night, though, I finally had kicked the fog, and was being productive. I cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes that had been piling up, and caught up on almost all of the twelve hours of tv I was behind on. And then I fucked up.
Social media is a mixed thing for me. I crave the social aspects of it, the friendships that I can cultivate and thrive in and the long term relationships I've been lucky to find with so many of you that have come from it. But it also is a huge issue with my depression. I have foot in mouth disease, and even when I think I'm being careful/tactful/considerate sometimes I still hurt people I care about deeply. I did this last night, and as soon as I became aware of it the depression rushed back. I went from great to miserable in about thirty seconds, and completely was full of self-hate. I'm not writing this here to make that person feel bad/guilty about how my emotions changed, I can't stress enough that it was NOT their fault. I hurt them, and the fault was 100% mine. But it did happen, and now that I'm in a more solid state of mind this morning, I need to step back and look at what happened and figure out how I can stop myself from doing that complete 180 switch next time it happens. (Yes I know, the easiest is to stop putting my big foot in my mouth but I'm human, that's impossible to do all the time.) On the plus side, despite not sleeping all night I still made it into work this morning and am fairly awake and coherent. Which is good since we're working with a half staff today on what promises to be our busiest day in months.
So yes, recovery is a slow process for me. Part of my issue is that I'm really separated from most of my support network so when I'm having a rough day I can't pick up the phone and go out for coffee with someone. My coffee someones are hours away and my local friends are busy and introverts so a last minute coffee date isn't something that is really feasible with them. Lately I've been investigating local dating options and I'm seriously considering hiring a matchmaker. It would get me out of the house and socializing, and who knows, maybe I'd meet Mr or Mrs Right. Or at least Right Now. I'm not sure yet if I'll go through with it, but I am extremely tempted. And yes, I know I can't solve my depression by running away from it by hanging out with people and never being by myself. I'm working on being more comfortable with my alone time, too. I've started reading again -- I've read more books in the last two months than I did all of last year. It feels good. I missed my book worlds and having that escape always at my finger tips. But I've also remembered why I stopped in the first place. As great as reading and escaping is, my returns to earth hurt big time. Once I'm done a book and have to reacquaint myself with reality, my loneliness rushes back in and I can't help but long for the happy endings the book protagonists so often end up with. Even the YA dystopias I love to read so much always leave me with a degree of those feelings. TV has started doing it to me as well. I suspect that's why I love reality tv so much these days . . . its such a false world I can't help but remember it isn't real.
The other thing I've started to eat up my time is quilting. I'm nearing the end of my first quilt and I am extremely proud of how it is turning out. Yes, I promise I'll post pics when I'm done, but those of you who have me friended on Facebook can see work in progress pics over there.
So to sum up, I'm doing better, but am far from perfect. I love and miss you all, and really would enjoy hearing what you are all up to these days. Comments and emails are great happy thoughts in my day, and I promise to answer. Even if it is with a picture of my cat being too darn cute.
Because work has settled into a liveable state (my boss treats me like a human being! My coworkers other than one actually are nice to me!) I've put the job search on hold. I'm kind of enjoying my life not being extremely unstable, so I'm embracing the stability of permanent employment that pays the bills. Job hunting is a huge stress on anyone and right now I'm really trying to minimize any and all stresses, so, Brampton is where I am staying at this time. Unless I win the lottery or marry rich. Anyone know a millionaire looking for a wife who lives online?
Outside of work my life is kind of a rollercoaster. Not because of anything in particular but more so because of my own emotions continuing to be unstable. I have one or two weeks of excellent solid mental states, and then it all falls apart again. This month's a great example. I started off May with a trip to NYC where I got to visit with some of my favourite people and spend time in my favourite city. The first few days were awesome and I was totally having a great time but then something inside me just . . . flipped. For no reason that I could tell I was cranky and moody, and was suddenly super tired all the time. I ended up skipping some things I'd previously been looking forward to, wanting to be by myself, and sleeping a huge chunk of my time away. I came home to a weekend with my mom, which was lovely, but as soon as she was gone I again was tired and felt miserable. All these emotions of worthlessness, loneliness, and just apathy swamped me. I wasn't suicidal but I was definitely full out depressed, and ended up calling into work because I could barely get out of bed. The fog didn't really lift until last night, so I lived in five days of it. The only real upper during this time had been the STID viewing Wednesday night, but there were so many issues with the viewing itself and then my mixed feelings on the movie (I expected too much, and therefore wasn't as OMGYAY as I wanted to be -- possibly depression related) that even that didn't pierce the fog for long. Last night, though, I finally had kicked the fog, and was being productive. I cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes that had been piling up, and caught up on almost all of the twelve hours of tv I was behind on. And then I fucked up.
Social media is a mixed thing for me. I crave the social aspects of it, the friendships that I can cultivate and thrive in and the long term relationships I've been lucky to find with so many of you that have come from it. But it also is a huge issue with my depression. I have foot in mouth disease, and even when I think I'm being careful/tactful/considerate sometimes I still hurt people I care about deeply. I did this last night, and as soon as I became aware of it the depression rushed back. I went from great to miserable in about thirty seconds, and completely was full of self-hate. I'm not writing this here to make that person feel bad/guilty about how my emotions changed, I can't stress enough that it was NOT their fault. I hurt them, and the fault was 100% mine. But it did happen, and now that I'm in a more solid state of mind this morning, I need to step back and look at what happened and figure out how I can stop myself from doing that complete 180 switch next time it happens. (Yes I know, the easiest is to stop putting my big foot in my mouth but I'm human, that's impossible to do all the time.) On the plus side, despite not sleeping all night I still made it into work this morning and am fairly awake and coherent. Which is good since we're working with a half staff today on what promises to be our busiest day in months.
So yes, recovery is a slow process for me. Part of my issue is that I'm really separated from most of my support network so when I'm having a rough day I can't pick up the phone and go out for coffee with someone. My coffee someones are hours away and my local friends are busy and introverts so a last minute coffee date isn't something that is really feasible with them. Lately I've been investigating local dating options and I'm seriously considering hiring a matchmaker. It would get me out of the house and socializing, and who knows, maybe I'd meet Mr or Mrs Right. Or at least Right Now. I'm not sure yet if I'll go through with it, but I am extremely tempted. And yes, I know I can't solve my depression by running away from it by hanging out with people and never being by myself. I'm working on being more comfortable with my alone time, too. I've started reading again -- I've read more books in the last two months than I did all of last year. It feels good. I missed my book worlds and having that escape always at my finger tips. But I've also remembered why I stopped in the first place. As great as reading and escaping is, my returns to earth hurt big time. Once I'm done a book and have to reacquaint myself with reality, my loneliness rushes back in and I can't help but long for the happy endings the book protagonists so often end up with. Even the YA dystopias I love to read so much always leave me with a degree of those feelings. TV has started doing it to me as well. I suspect that's why I love reality tv so much these days . . . its such a false world I can't help but remember it isn't real.
The other thing I've started to eat up my time is quilting. I'm nearing the end of my first quilt and I am extremely proud of how it is turning out. Yes, I promise I'll post pics when I'm done, but those of you who have me friended on Facebook can see work in progress pics over there.
So to sum up, I'm doing better, but am far from perfect. I love and miss you all, and really would enjoy hearing what you are all up to these days. Comments and emails are great happy thoughts in my day, and I promise to answer. Even if it is with a picture of my cat being too darn cute.