*yawn* Life is tiring and I am tired.
I'm always tired. this is normal for me now and I don't know that I like it. I would love to not feel tired no matter how much sleep I do or do not get. I wish I knew WHY I was so tired all the time. Eww

Excited for Star Trek: Discovery being back. I am sad that it is the last season. It's such a good show. Been watching The Bad Batch now that it is back and enjoying it. New season means new stories and this time they are exploring Omega and Midochlorians. Which is interesting in itself. Especially it being the middle point after The Clone Wars and Order 66. I am STILL PISSED about what they did the Jedi. Kids? really?? Ugh. Everyone loved Vader. I hate the mother fucker. I want more Boba and more Mandalorian. So impatient for releases. Also been watching X-Men '97. I was such a die hard X-Men kid so this is exciting for me. Whee!! I want to rewatch Spiderman and rewatch X-Men again. I have such a big to watch list xD so that's fun.

Still reading Gideon the Ninth. Still a lot to comprehend. It is such a heavy world and I haven't even made it to page 200 yet. It's been fun to read though. Just...slow going. Haven't had as much time as I would like to consume a book because of other things keeping me busy. School work, work work, life. Etc. Which sucks because I wanna at least read 30 books this year. And I want to obtain all my goals. I won't have much time starting next year to read as much. I'm finally obtaining a dream and starting college, no matter how broke it means I will be. I want to be a librarian and I want to get a degree to do. I'm trying to do better for myself now that I want to live. Weird to say that. I have wanted to die for so long. I've been existing and not living. and I want to stop doing so. Which is why I have been trying to find reasons to live.

I keep hitting bust on dating apps. I am so tired of dating apps and things. The dating pool for lesbians is so small anymore. They either want a unicorn (a male and female couple wanting a girlfriend to share), are polyamorous and dating separately (I don't share. that doesn't work for me), or have such high standards for a Femme they want that I don't exist on their radar. I am 245lbs. no one wants a big girl. It sucks. Forever realizing I am going to be single forever. It sucks. I wish the dating pool wasn't so shitty. I want chivalry and gentleman treatment from a lady. I don't want a man. It's rough. Lesbian life is not for the damn weak Istg. Add in I am a kinky individual who likes things chocolatey in the bedroom? I am looking for a single hay stalk in a needle pile. Meh. T^T

I don't have a lot more to say. Work is work. Work is going. Some days are harder than others. Some days are easier than others. It's pest control. and calling people all day drains me sometimes. So it is what it is. I don't mind what I do. I just need more money to do it.

Love.

where did everyone go to? What journal are we using now?
I want to get back into graphics and whatnot but I wonder if I got back too late. and if so, I am sad. anyone know?

-working on pick ups for both kp and es. going good so far. I've been bit by the creativity bug again.
-rereading the harry potter books. halfway through sorcerer's stone.
-laundry is somewhat done. not going to bother doing any today because half a load does not count to me. but I'll have a shitload halfway through this week, I know it.
-deleting entries out of littlmisspanda. The biggest pain in my ass in the entire world I swear. It's been a bitch and reading through the memories of C and i....makes me shudder. but I am doing it. Anyone know if there is a way to delete them all at once without deleting the journal? o.O
-swallowed my pride, apologized to someone and tried to get back in touch with her. It's been three years and I'm a different person now. Idk if we'll ever be close like we used to be, but I have put it behind me at least. So that makes two people I've wronged. growing up. funny thing that.
-just stubbed my toe on the coffee table. fml.
-work is shit as usual. no help, bitchy customers...I don't care anymore. nothing we can do about it so we are dealing with it.
-eczema is flaring up on my back today. may have dan put some lotion on it later. It's itchy as can be.
not a lot else to say. 365 coming shortly. in between pick up blinks.

love.

I'll get to a real update tonight hopefully. I just haven't had a lot of time and I've been super tired. so I have been sleeping life away Dx.

day 43: How important do you think education is?
Extremely. Smarts are just as important as common sense. The more you learn, the better you become.

day 44: List five celebrities that you’re attracted to.
I don't have an attraction to celebrities but on scales of hotness:
-David Tennant
-Channing Tatum
-The Weeknd
-Crispin Glover
-Cillian Murphy

day 45: What is your favorite movie? What is it about?
Rocky Horror Picture Show
It's about a transvestite alien and two humans who wandered upon their ship which is also a castle and all the shenanigans that happen.

day 46: What kind of person attracts you?
someone with a kind heart, a playful soul, someone dominant and who comes off as having everything together. Someone dark haired, tall, massive not just in weight but also in muscle. Someone strong both emotionally and physically. Someone who has patience and can put up with mood swings. Someone who has tattoos and piercings and looks kind of dangerous. blue eyes are a plus but not a necessity. Someone loyal. to not only their heart but also job, life.

day 47: A problem that you’ve had.
Work. Work is a problem. I have so many cashiers who have no respect for their elders and it is a problem. and I do not understand it. Dx
day 48: Someone/something you miss.
someone: My Grandma Meredith. 10 years and I still wish she were here. getting just as excited about nerd things as I do.
something: The ocean. My soul is missing it's piece.


love.

day 15: Whats the last thing you apologized for?
I apologize a lot just for being me so I did something that I normally do and apologized for it. mrr. It's a bad habit.
day 16: On a scale of 1-10 how is your health?
about a 6. I have a lot of sore spots in my joints because of my weight and arthritis, my eating habits are shit, I don't eat my veggies, I forget my vitamins, and I could do better here. Working on it. little bits at a time.

this will be updated as time allows.
lots has been going on lately. I am so sick of life being so stupid busy Dx

work. still expected to do more than what my job entails..and with that, I had to rock a boat at work last week. Korry, our problem child cashier....I say child because his behaviour lately was exactly that: childish. I had asked him to push carts on Monday I do believe and he had a cow. Cursed, threw a fit (he's a high schooler..srsly???), and called me a lazy fatass to another associate on the clock. Here comes the rocking the boat thing. I had to talk to management and open door him. Which means, you talk to management, they talk to the persons involved and decide a course of action. He got written up from what I was told. his choice of words were very poorly stated. All because instead of helping him push carts, I was busy doing what my job entailed that day. Three overrides, two money runs, and four breaks. so. His comment and actions were not warranted. and I feel like it is unfair because I have been in his shoes. I have cashiered. If I ask my people to do it, I would do it as well. I refuse to order people around and think something is beneath me. I am that manager. I will go above and beyond when needed. I am not better than anyone. I do what needs done..in worse situations. and I stretch myself thin. because that is my job. I am upset that he called me as such because as much as shit rolls off my back, anything about my weight hurts. which brings me to my next subject.

weight loss journey. I am officially starting the weight loss journey. working out, which will start out slow mind you because holy cow I am out of shape Dx and as my schedule demands, eating less at meal time, eating more frequent meals and trying to make better decisions with food. I can't eat a lot of fruits and veggies because I have a really bad texture problem (egg whites make me vomit if they are on my hands. I can't even handle having cum in me or on me Dx) so I am working on ways around that in my cooking or drinking them in smoothies or something. I don't know. baby steps for now till I can work into bigger steps. I will start the diet pills I picked up hopefully tomorrow morning (hydroxycut max) and start taking them on a regular. I am going to try to keep this going because I am absolutely not happy with myself or how I look anymore and I just keep gaining weight and being more and more unhealthy and unhappy. I did start out small in my work out though and I will probably keep this one up till it stops being effective then switch to something else.
- 2 30 second planks (will up the time as I am able ^^)
- 50 reverse crunches
- 50 regular crunches
- 20 squats (will do more as I am stronger)
- 50 pelvic lifts
starts with a plank, then the crunches and pelvic lifts are done as one in reps of 10 with a minute rest time in between. and then ends in another plank. then the squats start. So I am working on cardio doing all three at once because holy heart race batman and then the cool down is the squats and some stretching. I am thinking about picking up insanity as I get stronger and can handle it becuase last time I didn't start slow and jumped right into insanity I about cried for a week. EVERYTHING hurt. I am trying though. I may add some burpees soon but baby steps.

dan he's still here. still trying. I have nothing to say here. I finally went and found a bunch of shit on tumblr of how I want this little dynamic thing we have going to go and he's slowly starting to get into it but he's still too tentative. I wish his hand was firmer but meh. It's a fight and I am giving up on that. he's been okayish...but I know I have issues to work on as well. so we are working on it. I guess. :/

laela. WE LOST ANOTHER TOOTH! and she has two new ones that are already coming in. However, I am in a fight with her dentist and looking into another one because he is a control freak, an asshole and has a problem with parents going with their kids. I am sorry but she is 5. She is impressionable. She is not going to be allowed to go there on her own without me. I DO NOT helicopter mom but if she ASKS me to be there, I am there. she doesn't like the dentist in the first place. He won't allow parents back with their kids and I am not okay with that. his bedside manner sucks. I understand what he wants but right now, she is just not so willing to try it. and maybe next year she will be. I understand the issue. She has a bilateral crossbite..which means her bottom jaw is bigger than her top jaw. and it needs to be fixed with an appliance. okay. but DO NOT tell me I cannot go back with her mother fucker Dx. So we are shopping around for a new dentist. We have the best dental so that isn't gonna be an issue. other than that...she is doing okay. learning. happy. frustrating at times but she is 5 and miss independent. I loves her.

family. My dad is behaving himself. He got busted. So he's on his best behaviour. and he's been relatively back to being my dad but I am not chancing it and still staying far enough away from him. I don't spend any time at my moms anymore and she won't come up here so I am out of luck there. I just stay away from it. I am definitely staying out of shit.

games. Stardew Valley for hte ps4 has eaten my brain meats. I enjoyed it on my laptop and Dan and I have been playing it together and so far that's been fun. He'll play some when I'm not home or asleep and then I'll play some and he usually lets me keep up with the farming. He does the fishing and we both mine. I gather the stones and he goes down the levels. He's in the middle of trying to woo Haley...the bitchy girl so we can marry her. I have no idea what her storyline entails but it seems fun. So it's been nice.

coloring. I started something new in my TokiDoki coloring book. It has unicorns in it and I love it. It's been a fun one. I usually color it before bed if I have a chance.


I think that is it. I do believe so. I am hoping at least. I have nothing else really to say.

The Sad Ghost's Friend Frenzy!

I did this thing.

I just cannot tonight.