It just seems like the logical thing to do. There's a lot going on, and I don't think there's anyone who fully understands-- it's not just the loss of my parents , it's everything that came after it and the position I'm in now. And that's okay that it can't be understood. It just means only I am qualified to make the desicion. I don't know why I keep posting. That's probably the question everyone's asking themselves. I guess a small part of me wants to find a savior. I always loved a good fairy tale. But there is no savior. And I just don't have it in me to climb the mountain in front of me. It doesn't have to be a sad thing. Just think of it as moving on. Hopefully to somewhere happier.Easier.

And I just want to say one reason that I post this here is because I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I don't want to talk to friends because I'm afraid they'll think I'm passive aggressively asking them for something. And I hate that.ive taken too much from them already. I can't talk to my therapist about these things cuz they woukd make me go to inpatient.

But no one freak out. Im still too chicken.

Spinach Salad

2 bags of spinach
2 c. water chesnuts
.5 c real bacon bits
1 medium red onion, chopped
3 boiled eggs, sliced

Combine and toss.

Dressing

.5 c ketchup
1 c salad oil
.5 c sugar
2 T salt
.5 c red wine vinegar

Mix and chill.

Pour dressing over salad right before serving.

"Hey, Kelli. I'm thinking about you a lot right now, as my cousin has just lost the second of her twins, born prematurely last month.

I think about you and Luke, and am trying to be mindful of what you've said about what helps and what REALLY doesn't. I know I'll fuck up anyway, and to some degree we all will, fumbling around trying our best and failing. But for what it's worth, I am very grateful to you: for your courage in talking about Luke even if it made people uncomfortable, for naming what you needed that you didn't get, for giving the rest of us a wake up call -- and at least an idea of how to help and not add to the hurt.

I may not get it right, but I know I'll be at least a little better at this because of what you've shared. So thank you."

Luke's light lives.

Things I'm Working On Creating

--a place to live near mountains or sea.

--my parents getting all the care they need.

--podcast or vlog with my mother.

--a job that I love that provides enough funds for low to no money-related stress.

--positive mindsets a large percentage of time.

--a social circle of loyal, non-judgmental, hilarious friends.

--better physical and mental health.

I thought girls liked to be told they are pretty...

"I thought girls liked to be told they are pretty," my kid said to me in the car.

"Well," I said, taking a deep breath because I was about to lay some knowledge down, "some girls do, I guess. But you know what? I don't. I think in a world where we have millions and millions of words, pretty is kind of lazy. What does pretty mean? It doesn't really mean anything. And pretty changes. What was pretty twenty, fifty, a hundred years ago means nothing now. You can go to the Hallmark store and find fifty cards telling a girl she's pretty. You can do better than that."

"What do you mean?"
"I thought girls liked to be told they are pretty," my kid said to me in the car.

"Well," I said, taking a deep breath because I was about to lay some knowledge down, "some girls do, I guess. But you know what? I don't. I think in a world where we have millions and millions of words, pretty is kind of lazy. What does pretty mean? It doesn't really mean anything. And pretty changes. What was pretty twenty, fifty, a hundred years ago means nothing now. You can go to the Hallmark store and find fifty cards telling a girl she's pretty. You can do better than that."

"What do you mean?"

"If you want to compliment a girl, go deeper than pretty. What do you think is pretty about her? What makes her beautiful? Tell her you like how the sun looks in her hair or how her cheeks turn red when she comes into school from the cold outside or how she wrinkles up her nose when she doesn't like the cafeteria food. Tell her you like the look of concentration she gets when she's practicing her orchestra music. Tell her you like to make her smile because it lights up her whole face. Tell her that when she looks up at you through her eyelashes, it makes you catch your breath.

Or you could skip the obvious pretty/petty bullshit and notice more than just the superficial. Tell her you like her brain. Tell her she's smart, and then tell her why. Tell her she uses words that make you get out the dictionary when you get home. Tell her you like how passionate she gets about music, about women's rights, about social justice. Tell her you like her heart. Tell her she's kind and gentle and strong and that you like how she speaks her mind, even if her voice shakes and she's blushing and nervous.

Anyone can tell a girl she's pretty. And sure, she might like it, but in five minutes when another guy tells her the same thing, it will be forgotten. If you want to stand out in her mind, go deeper."

So this article and these photos are great. And I appreciate people liking and sharing it, but...

Don't just like it or share it. I know a lot of people who would, but who would still judge me for my size. Maybe without even realizing it. Friends even. Good friends. I'm not the one they'd set up with a friend, or ask out with a certain group of people, or they wouldn't truly respect the words that come out of my mouth.

Don't be patronizing about it. Believe it. Live it.

People need to start dumping buckets of something on their heads or jumping over fires or putting bugs down their pants on video for Alzheimer's.I'm glad ALS got such publicity, but it effects .001% of the population. Approximately 20,000 to 30,000 live with it at any given time.

It's estimated that 5 MILLION people over the age of 65 have Alzheimer's (doesn't include Early Onset), and the U.S. will see a 44% growth of cases of Alzheimer's by 2025. How old will your parents be in 2025? How old will YOU be? By 2050, more than 115 million people worldwide are expected to have the disease.
Researchers are hopeful that a cure can be found, but they are ridiculously under funded, especially considering Alzheimer's is the #6 cause of death in the US. Alzheimer's research received $504 million in funding from the National Institutes of Health last year, while cancer received more than $5 BILLION. Breast cancer alone got more than Alzheimer's, at $674 million.

What can we do to raise awareness? Let's do SOMETHING or one day it won't be that distant relative, great auntie so-in-so you barely know (bless her). One day it'll be your mother or father, your husband or wife, if we don't find a way to prevent or cure it.

When you run into limits remember these 5 things.
1. You are connected to everything and as apart of all there is, you can accomplish anything that you work towards.
2. Sometimes the walls in your life are because you need new tools or ingedients. Reach out to experts, use the internet, and boldly ask questions. Find new tools and if they dont exist yet invent the tools.
3. Choose Love over fear every time you are making a decision. Love for yourself and everyone involved. Love for all of creation and mother earth herself. Strive to make decisions where everyone wins instead of just yourself. (This is always possible if we look hard enough.)
4. Think outside the box and find a solution that no one has tried before. We dont have to do things the way they have always been done. If we have put a great deal of thought towards something and it still doesn’t make sense maybe there is another path for us.
5. Recognise that everyone is afraid and they are often giving you advice based on their own fears. It doesn’t mean that it cannot be done it just means that they haven’t been able to find a way to do those things successfully.

On Christmas Eve, a woman at work asked me if I had any kids. I paused for a moment.

It was interesting because the week prior, a few coworkers had been talking about being pregnant, giving birth, how much their babies had weighed, etc. I wanted to join in the conversation, but I knew if I added any of my experience, there would be further questions, and I'd end up bringing everyone down. So I just did my crossword and kept mum.

So when my co-worker asked if I had any children, I briefly considered just saying, "no," but I HATE saying that and I thought the woman in question seemed like an understanding sort. We've had many conversations and I like her, so I decided to go with the answer that I'm comfortable with...

I said, after the pause, "I had a son, but he passed away."

Well, my co-worker's eyes got wide (her face is pretty expressive), "OH," she said awkwardly.

I tried to explain, "It doesn't feel right to say no, as if he didn't exist."

"Oh," more awkwardness from co-worker, "OH."

"It just feels weird to say no, you know?"

"Oh."

Then I think, "Should I tell her he was stillborn? Five days before he was due? She might think I lost a 5 year old or 10 year old." As if my loss wasn't as worthy as someone who had. Like by not telling her I was putting one over on her.

I didn't say anything else that night.

Christmas night, I said, "Sorry if I freaked you out last night. I guess I just should have said no." Because her response wasn't the one I'd expected or wanted, I guess. Not really because I cared if I freaked her out.

She said, "Oh, you're fine. I just thought... 'bless her heart'... You're fine."

I feel like I can't talk about Luke. I hate it.