kribban

That's the time noted in her journal. I was not there.

She was admitted to a very expensive veterinary hospital to give her one last chance to turn her kidney problems around.

The veterinarian performed an emergency euthanasia to stop her suffering. There was a nurse who hugged her.

I make the choice to not reconcile with the fact that I wasn't there with her when she passed, like I was with Ragnar. Of course I said goodbye to her body and took pictures, and I have her urn (just like I have Ragnar's.) But I left a living Elsa and forty minutes later, she was dead.

I'm in transit, between one life and the next. Between grief and post-grief.

I take it day by day. No interest in New Year's resolutions or dreams.

I must remember that Elsa is the victim here. I wanted a peaceful, at-home death for her, and I wasn't able to secure that in time. Her safe life with me in our apartment was taken from her, and she died without me, in a strange place.

Still, it could have been worse. She had caring professionals around here. She wasn't alone.

Love of my life; my baby.

There will never be a better cat. 

I had a dream last night that I was watching the fourth (and final) Kelvin timeline Star Trek film. Oh, we'll see if that dream ever turns into a reality.

I am currently drunk and watching the Taylor Swift Eras Tour concert of Disney Plus. I constantly have FoMo and TS descending on my country for three days this spring made me think I was missing a landmark moment.

I'm very much looking forward to Trap for this reason — to have a concert experience in the comfort of the cinema. (Please let the reviews not be terrible.) The other movie I'm looking forward to is of course Deadpool & Wolverine. (Please let the reviews not be terrible.)

I've had vacation this week, and watched something that was decidedly NOT terrible; X-Men 97.

I've been obssessing about getting hit by a car/truck/bus again; not helped by the fact I was (probably?) almost hit by a bus in 2022.

I've been very careful since then; only crossing the road at zebra crossings and then, being extra vigilant before using the zebra crossing.

This morning I crossed the busiest road on my way to my work in Stockholm. I did everything right, waited for the green line, looked left and right.

I took a few steps and heard a loud siren just as I saw a police car barrelling towards me! The police car passed about two meters behind me. Because I had stopped to look at the police car, the lights had switched to red. Luckily, the crossing had a safety island where I stayed until the lights turned green again. It was pretty narrow though, so it was a bit scary standing there while trucks passed me by on both ends.

Here's the thing — I did everything right! I was already on the zebra crossing when I heard the siren and I only heard it a few seconds before the police car came. If I had been two, three seconds slower; who knows what would have happened. ;_;

I've been scared of dying in traffic since 2008; I really don't want to die like that. I will research a new route to the office next week! :)