I've been on a bit of a nostalgia kick lately. Problem is, I changed phones and phone numbers and I can't access half my accounts. Probably a good thing, but frustrating.

There are people who have drifted into and out of my life over the years. Some people I thought at one point were very important I complete forgot about. Some people I can't forget about shouldn't be as important as I'm making them, but not much I can do about that.

I haven't posted here in a very long time. I don't know if broadcasting my every thought onto the internet is a good thing. I don't want to hurt anyone by carelessly posting something thinking they won't read it then have them read it. Mostly I'm worried about saying something and the hubs reading it and taking offence. I love him, but sometimes I don't want to share what I'm feeling with him. Not worth the trouble it would cause.

That said, I don't want to make this a protected post because reasons. Good reasons? Bad reasons? Bit of both? Bit of both!

I'm coming up on the seven year anniversary of (virtually) meeting someone who changed me for the better and for the worse. I haven't talked to him since 2013 (a full year before I met the husband) so it shouldn't keep throwing me for a loop still and it doesn't normally, but I realized it's been 7 years recently.

I've been writing again. I actually finished 2 NaNoWriMo stories in less than 15 day. I named the main character of the second one after the person I met seven years ago. The stories I wrote had - let's say workplace similarities to this person, but otherwise didn't resemble him (not that I know what he looks like other than how he described himself). Ever since I hatched the ideas for the stories, he's been haunting me. I can't listen to The Eagles. Bruce Springsteen released a song call "North of Nashville" that reminds me of him (because when I knew him, he lived north of Nashville and the lyrics are fitting for the relationship we had). There are other weird coincidences happening that remind me of him. It's a bit creepy actually.

I wouldn't want to meet him, but I do wonder what happened to him. I miss the person he said he was. I miss the person I was then too sometimes. I wonder sometimes if he misses me. Probably not. I just feel like I walked out before the end of a play that isn't going to be staged again and won't be made into a movie.

The really really weird thing is I think I did meet him once. I did tell the hubs about this because he was there just not beside me at the time. I was standing in line to get ice cream at the Beatles festival in 2016. I still had my cane then because of the knee and what I later discovered was an allergic reaction to where I worked causing my joints to swell. A kid hit my cane and I turned around so he wouldn't think I was mad when he apologized. The kid's dad was wearing a Reds hat. I told him I liked the Reds. I can't remember how we got on the subject as we waited in line, but I said that The Spaghetti Factory was a good place to eat just down the block. The guy looked at me a little bit funnily then said it was his favorite place to get lasagna. It was my turn so I got my ice cream and walked away. I got about 20 feet away and realized that the guy I met in November 2012 had a kid about the kid's age, liked going to Reds games (but lived closer to Atlanta), and his favorite lasagna was at Spaghetti Factory. I turned around, but they were gone. I sat down letting my ice cream completely melt while I tried to remember what he looked like, but I couldn't.

It is extremely long odds that it was him, but it could have been and he probably thought he was imagining things if he thought I was the person he met in November 2012. If it was him, he thought a lot quicker than I did by providing the clues he did. Four years is a long time to remember liking the Reds, but going to Braves games because they were closer and lasagna. Of course there are pictures of me everywhere and he knew my real name. I never knew his. He would know if he saw me where all I had to go on is hair and eye color and an occupation. And lasagna.

Why am I writing all this in a journal I barely use once a year if that? I don't know. I need a place to dump all this out so that maybe he'll stop haunting me. I really want to listen to The Eagles and I can't right now and there's another song on that Bruce album I like, but I keep getting thrown into a thought spiral every time the North of Nashville song plays.

One year ago today I met the person I can't seem to forget no matter how hard I try. Nothing serious or memorable happened, we just were in the same place at the same time. I quoted something from Airplane! and he said it was one of his favorite movies. We talked about movies for a couple of hours then he had some "work stuff" to do. I didn't know it then, but his "work stuff" was jump in a helicopter to shoot bad guys. He wasn't allowed to talk about any of that and he didn't want to so I didn't know what he did for a living until a few days later.

Our first private conversation was on the 26th and by then we were both addicted or at least I was and he said he was. It started badly and ended badly I see now in hindsight. You want to say you would do things differently and you want to believe you'd do the right thing, but I don't think I can tell myself that big a lie. It was wrong from word one until it all exploded so spectacularly in my face, but the only thing I would do differently is be more honest about how sad it made me when he was with the others and how incredibly jealous I was instead of encouraging him to talk to the others in an attempt to shield my heart. I keep typing the word "maybe" and backspacing it out. I can't go down the rabbit hole that far. I'm too far in it as it is. I cannot for my own sanity keep trying to figure out ways I could have acted to keep doing the incredibly WRONG thing I was doing.

This day a year ago, I didn't know he was married. I didn't know how much he was going to get inside my head and my heart. I didn't know anything and some days I wish I'd kept it that way. Unfortunately most days I don't. Most days I want to know more. I keep thinking that it would be easier if I knew what he looked like. I'd like to know I could share a fond smile and nod if we ever passed each other silently on a street somewhere. The odds of that ever happening are less likely than getting hit by lightening on a clear sunny day, but it's still the one thing I wish I'd gotten as a consolation.

So am I better or bitter for remembering this turning point? I think I'm better. The only bitterness I think is directed toward myself and the way I acted. I still wish him well. I hope he's safe and that he's still taking his marriage counseling seriously(which in my defense I talked him into getting). I like to think he wishes me well too. So no I'm not bitter. Bittersweet.

One of the things I would have done differently is that I would leave well enough alone. That's what I'm going to do today. He's a guy so he wouldn't even try to remember an anniversary so insignificant and I'm not going to remind him. I'm also going to allow myself a couple more minutes of nostalgia then I'm going to do my level best to let it go. I'm not even going to wish he did remember and does feel the same twinge somewhere near his heart. I got enough of that going on for the both of us so why spread the pain? It is forever over and one day I'll forget the bad, then I'll replace the good with something or someone else because the world keeps turning and time keeps passing and people keep bringing new life and new joy and new pain. Time to move on.

I am still alive. Saw the therapist twice. She's leaving the state to - get this one - counsel returning soldiers for PTSD at an Army base. FML She set me up with a guy for next week. I'm canceling. I can cry at home for an hour for free.

Jake had a visitor last week. Who? Army recruiter. FML X 2 The recruiter suggested Reserves for Jake and for him to go to college. Not as bad as Mike's Marines who wanted him to sign up that day.

Met a new guy online. His name is Jim (I know) and he - wait for it - just got out of the Army. FML X 4 At least he isn't married. We talk writing. He likes my stuff. He hasn't shared any of his.

I made an okCupid account. I put up a real, recent picture. I've had several messages even though I haven't been back since and never put a single word up about myself. Either everyone is as desperate as I am to get on with some happily ever aftering or they're all sexual predators.

Or they were in the Army and heard how patriotic I apparently am. Yeah, that's got to be it. Work time *Hugs*

So yeah. That didn't work out. Oh well. What can you do?

The fact that I'm not that upset about it is very telling. I'm disappointed, sure, but I'm good. Of course, that's today. Might not be real enough yet or it might not have been that big of a shock.

I kind of knew already. I'm wearing my favorite Star Trek red "Expendable" shirt to clean today. I found it in a drawer when I was doing some clutter reduction. I've been getting more and more of that done lately.

Speaking of getting stuff done - later kids.

So yeah, it's been a month. That's how long I needed to pull myself out of my woe is me. Things haven't changed much. I'm still waiting for the bank to take their heads out of their collective asses. I'm not concerned about the mortgage because I need a new roof (that's another WTF, previous owner? that I'm not even going to bother with explaining). If the bank wants my house, there's places to rent for less that I won't have to repair all the time. I'm just going to keep paying my bills and see where the wind takes that. It's supposed to storm pretty bad later so maybe the wind will Literally take the problem away.

In the social part of my life (not love life because not going there for a while), I've been chatting politics with an Anthropologist in Romania. He's also trying to improve my French and tutoring me on all things comic book. I'm tutoring him on where the sun is sunniest and sand is loveliest for vacations. He really needs to lighten up and let go. It's new and I'm not sure what his angle is yet.

Of course my life would be considerable less chaotic if I wasn't always trying to analyze people and their angles. Curse you, Purdue University, and your fucking Psychological Studies program. If I want to analyze people I should suck it up and finish my degree so I can legally tell people to skip off to namby-pamby land and find some self confidence, jackhole.

I'm still only down 40 pounds, but that's because I'm getting all muscle-y and shit. I'm down three pants sizes and none of my clothes fit. I un-earthed some of my old bras. My fear of my boobs dissolving before my ass gets down to a less ginormous proportion has been laid to rest. I'm down two band sizes, but up a cup. Look at these bad boys, my man.

I've managed to get my sister to back off on her match making. She no longer drags me to Bingo, but she's still pressuring me for karaoke. The evil older sister who spent the first fifteen years of my life telling me I couldn't sing (she stopped torturing me when she had kids of her own to torture) is trying to get me to sing. I can't sing. Anyone who has ever gone anywhere with me where Captain Morgan was involved can attest to my lack of singing voice. How making a complete jackass out of myself will attracted a barely literate drunken backwoods redneck to fall madly in love with me is beyond my comprehension. Then there's the obvious problem with me and my aversion to barely literate drunken backwoods rednecks to contend with on top of that difficulty. I'm doomed. I'm all David Banner like that. (see what I did there?)

With the exception of my politically passionate Romanian, I'm avoiding being social on my favorite game site. There's so much childish, back-stabby, middle school popular girl fighting going on by people far older than me that it's not worth my time or effort. I told my...I don't know what to call him...ex-special friend?... there happy birthday a month ago and haven't spoken to him since. I saw one of those rude cards on Facebook that actually had some resonance with me. I miss the person he pretended to be, but I'm getting over that. I may be completely over it, but I don't want to devote any more time to navel gazing over that or him. I've tried apologizing for slights real and imagined to a couple of people over there, but it just ended in gigantic hissy fits and bullies pretending to be victims. Evidently you can get to fifty without ever moving past the cool kids in the lunchroom mentality from junior high and when someone treats you as an adult and tries to resolve a conflict in a respectful way, it's threatening. Who knew?

Work is work. I've been writing more, but am reluctant to send anything off. I need a confidence boost and I can't seem to find one. I got knocked pretty far down the self-esteem ladder this winter. Since I've been to the bottom of that ladder, i know it's possible to get out, but I'm still not high enough to take a chance. I'll keep climbing.

I've been reading posts, but not responding. I'm sorry, friends, but like I said, I'm still working on getting myself positive. It's selfish, I know, but I don't have much positive to spare these days. If this says anything, i was really stoked that I got my oil changed the other day. It meant that I did more than drag myself out of bed to go to work and the gym. It was a baby step toward being a better friend to all of you (that may not make sense to anyone but me, but it's true).

Back to the house, I also planted some bulbs and three bushes and mulched the bejezus out of my flowerbeds. The yard got pretty ratty when I was recovering from my surgery last year. Not going to be the ugliest house on the block again this year. Unless my roof blows off then I'll be back to square one. I bought a new lawn mower because Jake said the old one was broken. My dad came over and it took him all of two minutes to fix the old one. Now I have two working lawn mowers. Maybe if I keep getting stronger I'll be able to handle one of those monsters myself. Don't hold your breath.

I haven't seen Mike since Christmas. I've gotten lots of texts from the ex wondering how I managed to live with Mike for nineteen years without killing him. I just explained that after living with him (the ex) for almost ten years, Mike was a walk in the park. I think they have it tougher because they are EXACTLY alike temperament wise. You always clash the hardest with the person who embodies all the things you dislike about yourself. Jim recently admitted that I was a saint for not stabbing him to death in his sleep instead of just divorcing him. I'd say maturity brings wisdom in his case, but he's getting married again to the next door neighbor of the woman he dumped two days after Christmas without warning. I should get life insurance on him now before he moves back to the 'hood.

Jake is staring in "The Iliad, The Odyssey, and All of Greek Mythology in 99 Minutes or Less" next month. I really can't wait to see it. He comes home and tells me about the ad libs they're putting in and how much fun they're having. He's already memorized all his lines. I'm not even sure how many of the characters he's playing, but i know Zeus and Achilles for sure. It should be awesome.

I've been writing this for an hour. I really need to get some work done before somebody notices I haven't moved a single piece of paper on my desk for an hour. Thank you for all the support and understanding on my last post. It helped me more than you can possibly imagine even though I was too down to respond to each of you the way I wanted. *HUGS*

Life just keeps kicking me. Last night after I insulted a friend via text message by saying I knew he wasn't attracted to me because I was fat, a man attacked me in the Walmart parking lot for not putting my cart away to his satisfaction. And I mean physically attacked me. He was yelling. I was ignoring him. I got in my car so he blocked my car in and beat on my window until I rolled it down then hit me in the face. The only thing I said to him was "thank you" when he asked me if I wanted him to put my cart away for me so that one I know wasn't my fault other than not feeling like putting my cart away.

I got Influenza A and spent last week in bed. My boss had been passive aggressive toward me all day yesterday.

Not everyone knows but I had a weird love related thing that didn't work out the way I'd hoped. I knew the whole thing was a fantasy to start with, but it got too real and then it got too weird. I'd hoped for a friend, but that person has disappointed me. I can't understand why guys just don't use their words especially when I flat out say "you're just saying you want to stay friends because you don't want me to think badly of you." That's a direct quote. I said that. The reply "oh no, no, I care about you and I miss you, but I just can't juggle life right now." That's not a direct quote, but it's close enough. He can juggle everyone but me just fine which I wouldn't care about so much if he'd just been honest about it. Why don't people take outs when they're offered? It just makes me look like an idiot to everyone he tells he can't talk in certain places because I might see and get upset. Like I give a fuck. So much for friends. Yeah, I'd get upset, but it wouldn't be because I'm dying of love. I'd get upset because I was lied to and disappointed that after all the time and effort I put in, he's still determined to flush his life down the toilet for imaginary ass on the internet. I know in my heart (and I have no proof, but I know) that he stopped wanting to talk to me because of the way I look. He told me he got stressed out when he couldn't talk to me, but as soon as someone got a picture of me to him, it was over. That was for the best though. Can't live a fantasy.

I want to say completely unrelated to that last paragraph I feel alone, but that's not entirely true. While I never would consider a real relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to cheat on their wife online (he thinks it's not cheating if no one meets), the guy made me look at my life and notice for the first time that I wasn't okay with being alone for the rest of my life the way I thought I was. Up until December, I was awesome with my single status. Then for almost a month, some dick pretended to care about me from four to ten hours a day everyday and now I want a real guy to care. I don't know if I should thank the prick or curse him.

Then there was the guy who cared too much who drove me nuts and made me feel bad about myself for not liking him more, but that's not the problem today.

Last night being sick, feeling alone, my boss, being behind on my mortgage, and the jerk in the parking lot backed up on me in a way that I haven't considered since March 19, 1998. I was a danger to myself last night and I was alone with a whole host of pills and half a bottle of codeine cough medicine. Lucky for me I was too exhausted to get out of bed and I'm not as selfish now as I was in 1998. I'm at work. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I think my most dangerous thought was when I wished I'd never gotten divorced. My ex would surely have killed me years ago, but I wouldn't have been alone. That's actually my biggest fear - I'll convince him to take me back. Probably wouldn't take much. He always said I was his first best destiny and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What a mess.

I've been looking at my eating habits the last two months and I'm noticing that I've already been endangering myself that way. I don't blame anyone for my insecurities, but I am so close to starving myself to try and make myself feel worthy again. I've lost 40 pounds. I need to lose a lot more, but I've got enough knowledge to know I'm thinking and acting like someone with an eating disorder on top of the depression that's nearly killing me.

I feel like such a big baby right now. Guys acting like guys act shouldn't send me into a tailspin of starving myself and cowering in my bedroom. No, there isn't anybody locally I can talk to. Small towns don't have the resources. I'm not even sure why I put all this down here. I'm not crying for help. Some days the weight of having to slog through another gray day is just too much to bear. I guess I was hoping to put some of the weight down here and leave it behind. Doesn't feel like it's working. Oh well. Tomorrow maybe.

Remember when I said I wasn't wishing for Randy's marriage to end? I lied. It's not going to though. We talked again. He told me I was just a fantasy. I'm not a real person to him (he didn't say that). Things are better with his wife than they've ever been because his wife is finally realizing he's going to leave her and she's going to be alone. She's afraid of the "empty nest" and decided that if she didn't want him to leave her she'd have to start treating him like more than her ticket to free healthcare and a place to live. He doesn't see that. He just sees that he can live in the fantasy that he married the love of his life a little while longer (he didn't say that either). We don't talk at all now. I know it's a good thing, but I miss him so much.

I took some vacation days to try and get over the tears and loneliness. It was working. I came back to work today and I'm flooded with loneliness. We would talk all day over IM and in the chatroom while I was at work. Most of our "relationship" was spent here at my desk. It didn't help that I spent yesterday reading over everything we said to each other in the IM chat log. Reading all the ways he needed me and wanted to take care of me before coming back to the place I was sitting when he told me all those things was not my smartest move. I did love him or the fantasy of him or maybe the way he made me feel like I could be loveable. Probably the last two more than the first two. I want to believe the last two more than the first two.

I tried to chat with other guys to try and cleanse whatever Randy had done to me out of my system. The first guy was 28, ex-football player, had no fricken clue what he was doing. He said he was a college professor and he is - at a community college where he teaches bowling and health & wellness. He has a traumatic brain injury from the footsball and is as mentally stimulating as he sounds. I started something with another guy, Grammer. Guess what? He's married. His wife knows what he does online (he's said she sits next to him and reads along sometimes). Not only is he married, he's ex-military. He actually started our conversation with "you and Swoopy are deeply in love, aren't you? I can tell by the way you tiptoe around each other." He's from Jamaica. I told him we were not deeply in love and that we'd had a thing, but it was over because "Swoopy" was staying with his wife. I haven't "played" with Grammer and eventually he got tired of waiting around. He went off on how Randy was lifetime military because he was too weak to stand on his own and all manner of other things about how Randy didn't deserve me or my love. I don't know why he thought dumping on Randy would change my mind about having fun with him, but that's what he did.

I should point out all of Grammer's explosion came after Randy deleted everybody of his allies list at our game and changed his user name. It destroyed me because he promised he'd never do that and that he'd say goodbye. It didn't work out the way Randy expected because I noticed immediately being the needy, yet incredibly able detective that I am. I called him every name I should have called him for dragging me into this in the first place. It ended with him telling me I was a fantasy and that he'd never ever leave his wife even if she never changed. He said he deleted everybody and changed his name because I was ignoring him. Because -I- was ignoring -him-! Grammer was right about him being too weak to stand on his own. Randy didn't admit it and I didn't say it. Grammer pointing out how I was making excuses for Randy trying to make sure no one hated him for what he did. I even took the blame for him leaving publicly.

Being me, I soothed his ego. I told him I took the blame and begged him not to make me the "bad guy" again. He went back to our circle of friends. I promised not to ignore him. He started ignoring me. I left the circle of friends. I'm still trying to work up the nerve to delete him and stop watching for his name to pop up to the top of my list of online people. It's all I have left of the best feeling I've ever had. It's the only way I know that he's not dead somewhere. He's a couple of hours by highway away right now, but he could get deployed at any moment and it's the only way I know he's still alive. I told him we could still be friends, but I don't know - no I do know. He doesn't know how to be a friend. He knows how to use me like everybody else uses me. He doesn't flirt at the game. He said when we talked I was the only one he was talking to off the game, but he could be emailing and lying to me. Wouldn't be unprecedented.

I had a dream Tuesday morning that I let him kill me. He didn't mean to kill me (look making excuses for him again) and I could have easily stopped him, but I just let him do it. It wasn't a nightmare because it was a relief. "Dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had." I can't find a counselor to talk to and before I got my three days off work, I seriously considered going to a hospital and telling them I was a danger to myself. I was doing better until the dream Tuesday. Anyway, I'm only a danger to myself in the sense that I can't close my heart to a total asshole who doesn't see me as a real person and would rather be miserable with his bitch of a wife than risk being happy.

Church was a bust. No single guys at church even though I picked the biggest one I could find. I signed up for a diet class (attended by guys and their wives). I met with a personal trainer. We talked about Randy while I learned to kickbox. I hurt the trainer's hands and hit harder at the end of my workout than I did when I started. I've lost another 5 pounds, but because of the exercise my clothes are getting tight again. Muscle is filling in and pushing the fat outward.

I told Ralph I couldn't see him anymore and I told him why. I told him that he was smothering me. I also told him how ashamed I was of falling in love with Randy and how I couldn't face him. Yes, I'm a bitch and broke up with him over email. He'd sent me some stupid text message that wasn't a message at all - something about how he hated roundabouts and I replied with "stop sending me nonsense I can't take anymore." He sent an email with picture of Snoopy hugging Woodstock saying he was sorry for being annoying. I told him it was me and that I needed to start dating and couldn't do it because I was afraid of hurting him. I told him he was the only friend who I'd ever been able to count on 100% of the time and that he treated me better than my family did, but I couldn't keep using him. I wish I could some days (like today I could really use a hug), but I've been using him to prop up my ego for too long. I explained that we had a lot in common, but there were some things we didn't agree on that were too important for me to keep ignoring. I didn't point out that it was his disgusting housekeeping and his politics. He probably thinks it's because he's big and can't have sex. That's partly it, but it's really the housekeeping and the politics. I've proven time and again I can do without sex, but I really want some and unlike some people I know I can't go behind someone's back to get my needs met (Randy).

I haven't missed Ralph yet and it's been a week and two days. I missed Randy the second I typed "Goodbye, Randy, until our roads cross again" and I still see his username every day. Ralph was a real person. I need to think of Randy as a character instead of the real person I wanted him to be. The person I wanted him to be doesn't exist and never will, but I want him every minute of every day. If I don't dream about him killing me or breaking my heart I don't dream at all. I don't know how to get out of this downward spiral. I don't know how to find a real person to take this fantasy away and help me live. I thought I could live on my own for the rest of my life, but I can't. Now I feel desperate and that's never a good look on an over forty fat girl.

My life. It blows and not in a fun and festive way.

I was doing so well with the writing every day thing. I wish I could say I screwed up because I was doing other more productive things, but no. Well that's not entirely true...no, it's true. I didn't do much productive.

I wrote a tiny bit on a new WIP. I abandoned my NaNo, but I really want to go back to that. Maybe if I can get myself together tomorrow I will. I didn't do enough to justify not writing here.

I did write a few posts that were just for me so if there's something you can't read, it's not you. Some things I need to write down for me and no one else. Remember the old axiom? Write for yourself first? That's what I was doing. Okay, no, I wasn't. I was bitching, moaning, whining, and woe-is-meing, but it was healthy so go me. It helped me work out a few things in my head and my heart. I've got some more things to work out so expect the locked posts to be more multiple than these happy roller coaster rides.

I went to church a couple of weeks ago for the first time since God was sneaking cigs back behind the bleachers in high school (not that long ago, but might as well have been). I signed up for a weight loss class. I overslept last Sunday. I went to the weight loss class. I discovered the most yummy mint chocolate ice cream flavor in the history of woe and damn. OM fricken G. So good. No, not on the new diet. It's the first week. It was just one bowl and it's been a long ass week. As Scarlett would say I'll think about that tomorrow. I lost 25 pounds between December 1 and last night. I'm ahead of the game. I'm not sure it's going to work out. This guy wants me to stop drinking Diet Coke. Yes, I did ask him if there were any medications that he was on that I should know about or if he'd like suggestions of some I think he would find beneficial. You can have my Diet Coke when you pry the empty can from my cold, dead hands.

I have a massive to do list for tomorrow. I figure I'll sleep in, Just thinking about it makes me tired.

One of my lovely coworkers informed us that he has Influenza A. He has a nice face mask to keep others from getting infected. Evidently the face mask is retroactively effective because none of us could have possibly caught his germs any other days of the week that he's been sneezing and coughing over every surface in the building. No, I did not get a flu shot. Every time I get the flu shot, I get the flu and end up delirious in bed being forced to watch a Harry Potter marathon by Jake. I just recently started going days at a time without the little bastard from popping up at every turn. I'm not inviting that madness back again. If any of you hear that I'm sick and that I'm at Jake's mercy again, please, kill Titus.*

I'm still mulling over my vacation plans. I'd like to take the next three weeks off, but that would make for a very long year. Also my boss knows where I live since he had to come get me when my car was in the snow drift. I wouldn't get any peace at home. I may take a week the first of February or maybe a week in March.

Happy news! Mike broke up with his girlfriend so she will not be moving in with him and his dad. Honestly, I just cannot even begin to fathom any of that. What the hell were all three of them thinking? Just to keep you up on all the drama, the ex is now dating his ex-girlfriend's next door neighbor. Oh yeah, I married that. If I could go back in time, I would shake myself until young me's eyeballs popped out. What the ever loving fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah, I wasn't. Freedom is sweet.

Anywho.... All things considered, I'm doing pretty good. It might be the ice cream talking, but I'm feeling mellow tonight. I might find a good book on my Kindle and snuggle up with a dream. Good night, friends.



*You mean to tell me you haven't seen Christopher Titus's Comedy Central special? You poor, sad soul.

I am going to go to church this weekend. I don't know what church I'm going to go to, but yeah. Why? Because it's time for me to stop living alone in a cave and it was either a church or a bar. Lesser of two evils I think is the church. I've tried the internet things and they have some success. I've met some interesting people. I've made a really good friend. I've met people I have a lot in common with, but they tend to live hell and yon away from here.

My goal for 2013 is to make more good friends and maybe find someone in my vicinity that I have a lot in common with who doesn't mind cats, mutantly large children, and a mutantly large dog. It's a little scary. I've recently been made to face the fact that I do in fact have a heart and not a broken block of ice in my chest I thought was there in its place.

Plus church is free and I've gone and got myself into mortgage trouble again. Free is the only thing in my price range at the moment. I may be looking at moving home with the parents if a miracle doesn't happen soon. I'm working with my lender, but the furnace debacle may have put the final nail in the coffin. I need all four paychecks for this month by Tuesday or my lender to let me make my December payment only and the January payment in two weeks. Neither are going to happen. I'm trying to renegotiate a better payment plan with my lender. I need to get all the paperwork together and write a letter explaining everything. Since I have a valid reason they may be sympathetic. Here's hoping.

Working tomorrow as per January. Gotta do the year end taxes and run W2s. Maybe I can get my taxes filed and they'll send me twice as much as I should be getting just because they like me. Yeah, that'll happen. With Mike gone I have no idea how that will move the needle on my refund amount. The new furnace gets an energy credit! Woot! Woot! Okay, no. I didn't need the exclamation points, but I'm trying to be peppy and up. Go with it.

Time to get back to work. I have done next to nothing today and didn't really have any fun to speak of to explain the lost time. Have fun, kids. I'm going to try too.

Before I begin I'd like to state that I am not trying to break up a marriage. I have no intention of taking any online relationship with anyone offline except if one of you wants to meet up to shoot the shit and possibly drink adult beverages. I'm not secretly preparing myself for moving to Kentucky.

I confronted Randy privately in a message at the chat website then sent him a link to it so that I wouldn't be there when he read it. I told him that I didn't believe the stories. I told him how he hurt me. I told him how he was hurting others. I told him how he was hurting himself. I told him I wouldn't betray anything he'd told me to anyone else because no matter what he thought I thought of him as a friend first. I also told him I wouldn't be wherever he happened to be in the game we both play and that while I would be civil, i was done.

Anyway after I left the message and the link, I logged off my computer and got read for bed. I had made my IM invisible to everyone and left it on because if I didn't any messages would got to my phone and wake me up. I was determined not to respond to anything, but I wanted to know his reaction. I didn't have long to wait. My IM went nuts. I tried to go to bed and let it roll, but ugh. I guess I couldn't deny myself that one last piece of the pain pie.

His response was typical. He never meant to hurt me. He didn't want to hurt anyone else. He explained that the one person I saw him talking to and setting up time to get together with was like a sister to him now and that he had only been responding to the others to be polite. He explained why the other person, Kara, had a different story - he didn't trust her with the truth (I've had reason not to trust her too, but she's generally a good person) and he couldn't go into details anyway while deployed because the government monitored all the messages. Typical. Still while I knew they were monitoring in the back of my head it never occurred to me to be embarrassed about getting jiggy on a government monitored computer until I just typed that. Geez.

He said he was ignoring me because after he sent that text about having landed, he realized he should have sent it to his wife and he should have been excited to see her. He was disappointed it was her picking him up and it scared the shit out of him. Ever watch Blackhawk Down? He was there and he wasn't as scared then as he was after he sent me that message. He said he'd been feeling more than he should for me for a while and he'd been trying to ignore it.

I vowed to go to bed and not respond, but I wanted it to be over before his wife caught him. He said he took the risk of getting on IM with her sitting a few feet away because he couldn't let me think that he'd maliciously set out to hurt me. He didn't ask for a second chance. He just told me that if it weren't for me he wouldn't have been able to stand up to his wife and demand they get couples counseling. He said I gave him the ability to take the self confidence he had to use in front of his troops home with him. He said he would be forever grateful for me talking dirty to him to take his mind off the mortar fire that came in every night and every day. He couldn't tell me at the time that things were exploding more often than not and he was sitting at that desk because there wasn't anywhere safe to go.

No, I don't know if I believe it still. Actually that last part I don't want to believe. I also don't want to believe about Somalia. My chest squeezes now just thinking about it.

I finally responded "I'm glad I helped with your self confidence and I hope you really are getting help." I meant to leave it there. I really did.

He started pouring out every detail of his life that wasn't classified (a lot of his life is considering his job and that I do believe). He said he didn't know why Kara said the things she did or how she even knew half of them because he never told them to her. There may be other villains in this tale, but I'm not going to bother thinking about it again to figure out the how or why. I just want the drama to end and go back to playing a game I like. He said he got too carried away with flirting and wasn't going to lead anyone else on again.

He said he understood if it was all too much. He apologized for not telling me he was scared of feeling too much weeks ago when he started feeling it. He said he was done playing at the pool (the chat room where everyone congregated to pair off in twos and threes and fours). I told him I was done at the game so not to worry about me getting my feelings hurt by his playful games on there.

Now, I don't know why, but I must really love that painful pie. I have more than one account at that website. I use my real account on one browser and keep playing the game I liked before all this happened. A second account though has been in the chat feed the last two days. I know. Borderline to totally pathetic. He's not been flirting with anyone. He's been talking about cartoons, computers, game play. No flirting. Hasn't been answering his wall posts from anyone but me. That's not saying anything though really. He could be talking to others elsewhere after telling them to stay off his wall. I'm not believing what I see because I want to see it. Don't worry. Also no painful pie so that's working out.

We talked yesterday morning for a while about how he had a panic attack when his house was full of people and noise. His wife kicked him out of bed for tossing and turning all night. I told him all the reasons I would never meet him in person and made sure he knew I wasn't the fantasy he had in his head. I didn't want him to half ass his counseling to make it look like he tried then think I'd be there if he decided to take his kids and leave his wife. He told me all of those things didn't matter, but he understood that I wasn't going to be the architect of his destruction or hanging out in hopes of a happy ending with him. He spent the rest of the day with his kids after school then they all went to church last night.

Yes, I found out about church this morning when he sent me an IM right before my alarm clock went off this morning. He said he missed me, but it was a good night. He was glad I got some sleep. We talked about the weather. He told me his wife was going to a deployment readiness meeting this afternoon and he'd be playing xBox with the kids. He's deploying again in July for another 3 months. Cyber hugs, no kisses, and off to take his daughter to school. He did call me baby and tell me he'd miss me today while I was at work.

I think we've officially moved to the friend zone. I think he's moved everybody there and I hope he really gives his marriage a chance. I'm okay with all of that. I'm going to do my best to keep my emotions from reengaging whenever he slips out of respectability again (not with me). I'm turning the page.

Some good has come out of all this. I've started caring about my appearance again. I've started eating better. I'm exercising more. I thought it was just for him, but I've already realized I'm doing it for me. I like myself a little better. I may actually be loveable after all.

Ralph, however is a different story. I think he has my journal on RSS. He read the posts about white knights and love and now he's been hyper clingy. He asked me to drive him to pick up his car from the shop. Not a problem. He touched my arm, shoulder, held my hand even though I didn't offer it to him. When we stopped he wouldn't get out of the car and kept trying to kiss me. I finally did just to get him to get out so I could go home. Kissing someone shouldn't be a chore. I may have to end the only local friendship I have. It may be time. He's helped me so much, but that doesn't mean I'm indebted to spend eternity tolerating him when he shows up unannounced, sits practically on top of me on the couch, and never leaves even when it's obvious I have other things to do besides listen to him talk about people he works with I don't know, will never know, and could care less about.

I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it. Ugh.