I haven't posted in three months! I'll play catchup another day. Right now, I need this. I wrote this up for therapeutic purposes, and I am absolutely terrified to post it for quite a number of reasons, but I don't even remember the last time I was bold on my livejournal. So, this.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

1. I haven't the slightest idea of what caused this to resurface after a year of silence, but I'm more sorry than you'll ever know that you're still hurting over this. At the same time, I'm less than thrilled by my name being mentioned so candidly in that sort of context when I haven't so much as spoken to you in well over a year. Even after everything, there is no part of me that hates or even strongly dislikes you. Go figure.

2. I would have gone if you'd asked me.

3. I'm proud of myself for shrugging and saying "it's none of my business what you do," because while true, there's so much more I could have said. I cannot even begin to fathom what you've gotten yourself into. Initial shock was followed by disgust, which has since sort of settled into a morbid curiosity. I honestly wish you all the best, I guess, though I admit I can't foresee this ending particularly well down the road.

4. I am amused that you almost apologized to me until it was made clear that we're not going to ever let ourselves give a shit about you again. I'm proud of her for that, although I'll admit I was pretty curious about what you would have said.

5. It's my hope that you will learn with age and time that being affected by and in touch with one's emotions is not indicative of one's maturity, or in this case, lack thereof. The ability to shut off or at least forcefully silence one's strong feelings is not one of those things that eventually comes to everyone with age, nor is it a trait I would choose to learn if I had the capacity. I like feeling what I feel, and I'm not quick to forget how I've felt. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I won't ever be able to quite properly explain how my heart works to you, and the time that it was worth trying has now ended, so I've given up. Except for this meme, I suppose.

6. I avoid seeing you partially because I am afraid of what I might feel. It's just so much easier not to deal with that at all. Sorry.

7. I hope you're not crazy.

8. I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS I really hope you don't think I'm weird and overenthusiastic or awkward or whatever. I just think you're cool, okay. (this could apply to like, a million people.)

9. I wish you could love yourself the way we love you. And I wish she loved you that way, too. So much so that it hurts more than it has any reason to.

10. I hope you're able to be strong, because I don't know that I have all that much strength to spare these days.

*edit* 11. HI TIM. SECRETLY: GUNDAMNS AND TOUHOUS AND ALL THOSE THINGS YOU LIKE. THE END.

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Comments screened, just in case.

Hello, internet! Yesterday I spent like an hour and a half working on a post about new Pokemon, and then lj was shitty and logged me out without saving the entry, so I ragequitted and gave up. Perhaps this evening I will try again. For now, other things!

Like my classes this semester! I'm really enjoying all of them even if I managed to have a That Guy in almost every one of my classes. How does that even happen. Anyway, it's looking like this:

Intro to Japanese Religions - what it sounds like. We have a horrific That Guy in this one, complete with anime keychains on his backpack (those rubbery flat Sailor Moon ones... you KNOW you had at least one, too) a shirt that says "Watch More Anime" and way too frequent comments. It's countered by Nolan, my little come on you have to like dudes bro who's a theater/Japanese doublemajor and therefore in like all my classes, as well as an irrational abundance of cute girls. I'm not talking about this class at all, am I? Ah, well.
Performing Arts of Japan - theater + Japan = my academic focus, so this class is neat. Though it's had a lot of overlap with J-Religions so far (and is held in the same room) which is mildly confusing. However, I am taking this with doorknocker_dog and __kaze__ which makes it 100x better, even though we have Bean-san, the most pathetic and bean-shaped weeaboo, in our class.
Modern Repertory - readin' plays, readin' plays. It is still a novelty to know many people in my class... a novelty that I have been unused to until I finally declared my major.
Scenic Design - I am already loving the hell out of this class. Designing sets and stages and learning about the elements of design and doing creative things and sklgjsklgjsl finally getting into classes that are relevant to my specific theater interests is pretty sweet! Although there is The Spergiest Guy who has seriously already made Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy VII references (IN A THEATER CLASS WHY WOULD YOU EVEN) and Iiii am really glad I switched out of the other class I had with him, because I don't think I could stand being in a class with this dude every day.
Introduction to Science Fiction - filler class! With a professor recommended by scanningdarkly. Actually seriously digging this so far? Read the play that invented the word "robot" and am now on The Martian Chronicles. One of Ame's coworkers and another friend of ours who are both big science fiction nerds greatly approved of my reading list, so I'm pretty excited.

Aaaand maybe also Japanese Conversation Suite which is apparently a two-credit thing designed for residents of the Thatcher language house to practice speaking skills, but apparently sometimes they make exceptions? I had not even heard of this until today, but I'm thinking I might check it out tonight. Discovering this has given me a bit of hope about not becoming completely useless in Japanese, and stopping by last semester's sensei's office and having her tell me it would probably be alright for me to retake and audit the last level of Japanese that I took next semester (so that I can move on in the fall) was really comforting. Wow that was the longest sentence.

So, feeling less hopeless is good! As it stands now, I am trying my absolute hardest because I'm not ready to give up on the idea of spending a semester abroad, but because of my shitty GPA in my first few semesters here, the odds are kind of against me right now. I'm hoping that maybe if I show great improvement over time, I might be able to work something out. We'll see.

Rushing the last bit of this entry because I definitely forgot my UCard/credit cards at home today and sugar_and_synth is the best waifu and is bringing them to me. TYPOS GO ok ilu guys bye. ♥

Damn. LoudTwitter is now defunct, so no more shipping tweets to livejournal unless someone knows of an alternative. I'm sure most of you will be relieved, but to the small handful of people who actually read my twitter posts, I'm sorry! LOL JK found an alternate, thanks umiyuko! I'll try to update more often anyway. [edit I don't think there's a way to lj-cut them on this new site and... I wouldn't do that to you guys, so you're safe for now.]

So, Otakon happened. I... definitely didn't have a bad time, but it was definitely not one of my best Otakons. I feel like it was missing a lot of key Otakon usuals this year, and it just went too fast. I felt like I was consistently surrounded by very good people, but we didn't DO much of anything, if that makes sense? Also, people were not drunk enough. I genuinely consider this a factor.

I actually managed to do the unthinkable and put the photos up on facebook in a timely manner! The album is here, plus AnimeExpo photos here and various California photos here. Also, before all of that there was Bootycon, which has been uploaded on flickr. Here's a selection from each the albums, for the really lazy. Image heavy, obv!

( Bootycon.Collapse )

( Santa Barbara, CA.Collapse )

( AnimeExpo.Collapse )

( Disneyland again.Collapse )

( Otakon.Collapse )

So, yeah. That's pretty much been my summer so far! I don't know what I would do without my epic (and at this point, annual) giant summer California adventures, they are... seriously some of the absolute highest points of my year.

But yeah, in spite of its mediocrity, I miss everyone I saw at Otakon a lot and the post-con depression has been thick, though admittedly compounded with other factors. I've given a lot of thought today to people who don't like me, both those who haven't liked me for many years and people who've only recently stopped liking me. I'd like nothing more than to surround myself with people that I know love me, but it's pretty impossible to do so in Amherst right now. I have Ame and I've been really happy living up here with her this summer, and we get Max on weekends and others sometimes too, but I really, really miss a lot of people right now. It's strange for me to be anticipating the end of summer as much as I am right now, but I'm looking forward to having the area filled with friends and adventures again. I'm so thankful for the people that I have that love me, I feel incredibly wealthy in terms of good friends, I just wish it was easier for me to be around them more often.

Really not in a good place tonight, wrote this entry to distract myself from wallowing. Need to get out of the house tomorrow, now that I no longer have the responsibility of shopping for cosplay supplies, I seriously do not have a reason to leave the apartment besides grocery shopping. Bummersville. Someone please come visit. Also bring us a car.

On the bright side, I'm doing really well in my online Linguistics course?

EDIT OH UH ALSO HOW COULD I FORGET THIS WTF

There's always the small matter of fucking Prop 8 being overturned?!

You did so good today, California. So much more okay with the idea of moving from MA if it's to another place we'll ultimately be able to get married, should that be in our future. Gimme a year or two to finish school and you've got yourself a deal, y'hear? ♥

Have like no time to do this but doin' it anyway!

ARRIVING late Thursday night with sugar_and_synth and Max! I can't believe we're actually bringing Max to an anime con.

STAYING Holiday Inn with Ame, Max, bluucircles, skei and happy_riceball!

COSPLAYING


FRIDAY Fairly Oddparents (Cosmo) with Ame (Wanda) and scootkadoot (Timmy)!
SATURDAY AKB48 Oogoe Diamond outfits, Isshu Starters gijinka (Pokabu/Piglit) with Ame (Mijumaru/Wotter), doorknocker_dog (Tsutaja/Smugleaf)... and Max as Haunter. BABY'S FIRST COSPLAY.
SUNDAY Casual Simon with Ame as Casual Nia if we feel like it.

WE HAVE A MILLION THINGS LEFT TO DO HOO BOY

Send me texts or call if you wanna hang out, besides cosplaying (and seeing doorknocker_dog in the h.Naoto fashion show! ♥) we don't have many obligations for the weekend!

SO EXCITED SEE YOU OTABROS THERE

My summer has been overall uneventful save for the fantastic 3 week California trip we returned from on the 7th, which included Bootycon, a week in Santa Barbara with Ame's family and friends, two trips to Disneyland, a mediocre anime convention but an incredible experience with a certain group of Japanese pop idols we're particularly fond of, and finally a couple of days spent recouping with a few people very dear to us. I miss the west coast and its inhabitants immensely already.

As usual, several hundred photos to share, many stories to tell. Just started an online summer linguistics course and Otakon is in two weeks, so we'll see. For now, a meme that I'm pretty curious about. Hope you all are well. ♥

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES