I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered

12:11am: Running on empty
It's been a difficult week, one where I needed to be home and couldn't be with the people who needed me. That made it hard. So my head was home, yet I had a ton of work to do, and I'm still sick. It made things difficult. Now, after thirty six hours in Rochester, I'm back at school, and I'm just so tired. I know--we're all tired. I'm not trying to say I'm any different. But I need help knowing how to deal. I will never get all my work done, I will never get enough sleep, I'm starting to feel like I'll never be able to breathe without coughing ever again. I thought dance classes would be nice and easy, with little or no homework, but because of this horrible cough I haven't been able to make it through them these past few weeks. This cough scares me, and I don't have time to go to wellness. I don't know what to do. MJ said get lots of sleep, but that's impossible--I still have a paper to write and a presentation to put together, and my hall is going to be loud for another hour or two. And even when I do get to sleep, I'm woken up over and over by these coughs that every time convince me I will never stop and never be able to breathe. I'm not used to not being good at things. I'm not used to being the worst in class. I'm just so tired.

Can you help me?

11:16am: I'm here
22 August
Many people have asked for updates and such, so I'm writing quick to tell y'all a little. So far, college is good. I'm typing this on my brand spanking new computer as my music copies over. Only as we were getting it did I realize how awesome it is that we're being given laptops. Last night, I got back to my room around midnight and started unpacking. You know how I get when I start something like that--I have to clean and organize until it is DONE. So I finished my unpacking around two and now my room is very pretty. Our triple is pretty huge. Everyone who walks in comments on it's spaciousness.  And on my fine choice of rug.

24 August
Yesterday we went into Philly.  Karissa and I were ridiculously tired.  We woke up and us and Artemis were all just like, "We could not go....!"  But we went anyway.  The whole trip is sort of a blurry fog in my memory, because I was just so exhausted.  But it was fun anyway.   When I got home I fell asleep for 2 hours.  Today I got to sleep in until ten.  Then, sadly, I woke up.  Still tired.  The upperclassmen move in today.  I was talking to some of the RAs and they confirmed my thought that when they move, in, us freshmen sort of have to start all over--sure, we've gotten to feel like we own the campus for 3 days, but now reality is going to set in!  Then classes start tomorrow...we'll see how that goes...

4:49pm: I started typing this when I was at home and never posted it...so here is is, unfinished.
And here I am.  I leave in about 30 hours.  I can't even begin to comprehend.  I won't believe it until I'm there, and even then it will probably take a week or so for it to sink in.  The laundry's done, the car is packed.  Now all I have to do is write a thankful, loving, nostalgic LJ post and try not to forget my phone charger tomorrow morning at 6 AM.

Where can I begin?

Before I started writing this, I read back through some of my old entries.  The earliest one on the page mentioned that I'd officially begun my college search.  I love when things bookend prettily like that.  Now here I am, and This Is Actually Happening.  It's been a pretty stressful few days--I think it will be easier for my family, at least, after tomorrow.  I'm leaving, so just leave already!  We've been in this limbo for too long; threads are starting to snap.  My poor sister.  I love her but this is hard on her, which makes it hard on me.  The sort of plus side to everyone around me freaking out is that I can't freak out, and it's as simple as that.  I just can't.  So I don't.  I'm such a Rolleston.

This summer, work was something to be endured.  But when I walked through an empty building twelve by myself on that last day, after Donnaburke fired me one last time, I got all emotional.  It's definitely time to leave MCC.  But still...so many memories.  I faintly remember sitting in that chair next to DB's desk that first day, so scared.  Weirdly, I don't really remember much of that creative writing class.  I just remember I loved it.  I've been there long enough to remember the old Java's, with Jeremy and Ian.  I think we outlasted just about every MCC Java's employee.  I remember hours and hours spent in the Brick Lounge, playing euchre, back when we were little and we took up the biggest table.  I remember that time April broke a door.  I remember wafting incence around Dr Day's classroom, Professor O-P getting down on his knees and begging Hannah to forgive him after he called her a freak, I remember when Professor Zwick had to give me a dollar when I noticed a mistake in his MATH class, I remember teachers bringing in doughnuts and pizza, I remember free food at spring fling and winning the poetry contest and 3 hour classes with Dr J that no one wanted to leave

10:00pm: Poem
I wrote this poem last winter, and on a whim entered it in MCC's writing contest, along with two essays. Ironically, the two essays--the pieces I'd written for class, revised and gone over and over--didn't win. This poem, that I wrote for myself, did. It got first place at MCC, and I just learned it got third place in some national competition. So...that was cool. A few people have mentioned they wanted to read it, so here it is. I will probably cross-post it to facebook.

( Going To Bed With OpheliaCollapse )
P.S. In case you're wondering who Ophelia is...Wikipedia is awesome.

I have less than five weeks left in NY...let's play.

10:36pm: Turns out my dad reads my livejournal. How weird is that? Hi, Dad!

So, yet again, thank you. That's the recurring theme in my livejournal these days. It's really great though: The only people left who use livejournal are all of you older, wiser, experienced types. I love it! I really don't know what I would do without all of you. I just write about my latest crisis (there are so many when you're a drama queen) and you advise. I'm not being sarcastic; thank you thank you.

So.
Here's what's new.
I'm going to college. Real college. For the longest time I've referred to MCC as "MCC" and everywhere else as "real college." When I started working at Admissions, Mom mentioned I really should kick that habit. But the point is, I'm going to Ursinus College in Collegeville, Pennsylvania. I should've been able to figure out I was going there early on, based on the name. My entire life, simple questions like "What grade are you in?" and "Where do you go to school?" have never had simple answers. So of course that trend should continue. Nathalie says Ursinus sounds like a disease you'd have to whisper. People sort of lean in and say, "Excuse me?" So, yeah. Ursinus. (err-sinus)

You might've noticed my 360-degree switch from freaking-out-i'm-going-to-the-u-of-r. Now I'm all "Yay! I can't wait to go! When's orientation?" On one hand, this makes me seem flaky. On the other hand--I don't mind. My mental state is way better now. While at Ursinus, I felt comfortable. I felt like I could be there, like I wanted to be there. I went out of my comfort zone and talked to people and found out they aren't all scary. I actually only saw one gross girl the whole time. The classes were interesting. The coffee wasn't bad. And--they're putting a Wegmans in the town!

I'm excited. And I'm excited that I'm excited! (That I'm excited that I'm excited that I'm....)

Tomorrow I begin the last week of school at Monroe Community College, ever. The week after that I go back for finals, and then I go right into working 20 hours/week all summer, so I'm not really feeling that wistful leaving vibe. I'm sure it'll come, though. I want to write an "MCC retrospective" LJ post.

I won first place in the poetry division of the MCC writing contest. I went to this awards ceremony that I had zero expectations for, but it ended up being kind of awesome. I saw almost every teacher who's been important to me, and it was good to get to thank all of them. MCC has been good to me. I should stop being bitter and jaded about it. I'm lucky. And I'm watching Buffy. Which is still awesome.

9:35pm: Freaking out
I'm sitting in a hotel room in Collegeville, PA, while my family watches America's Next Prom Queen. I'm not really sure what role America's Prom Queen has to fulfill.

So here's what's up. I'm trying to decide between Washington, Ursinus, and Franklin & Marshall Colleges. I visited Washington today--sat in on two classes, had an interview, and ate lunch with a student. Tomorrow, I'm doing something at Ursinus. I don't really know what because they're kind of laissez-faire there. Classes, I assume? I've already toured and interviewed there. Then I'm sleeping there.

And I can't stop freaking out! Is this the biggest decision I will make during my teenage life? I think these are all great schools, so I don't know why I feel so queasy and scared all the time. Before going on this trip, I thought I was feeling that because I was afraid of not making the right decision. But now, I think I'm just flat-out scared. Scared of changing my life, scared of moving away, scared of being so far from home. I feel physically ill. I can barely speak.

So many of you have done this beautifully. You've left home, you've made friends outside of the safe incestuous cult of RAHA, you've broken out! Please...help? Help me to not freak out. Keep me from going to the U of R, which is one of the top neuroscience schools in the country, is practically ivy league, is beautiful, and is IN ROCHESTER. Everyone would kill me, for one thing--Carolyn would be in the lead of the raging mob. I cannot stay in Rochester, I know I can't! Please remind me of this. Please help me.

Thank you. So much love to all of you.

9:23pm: Girlyman + Winter Camping + Anything else I can think of to delay reading Frankenstein
During the all-too-brief-but-still-wonderful time I spent with Sandra and Peter at winter camping, when Sandra wasn't pulverizing people during british bulldog and red rover, they mentioned they heard Girlyman at our house during the summer party and liked them. So here's a couple songs for you guys, and anyone else who is in the mood for some gorgeous harmonizing.

I was initially introduced to this band by way of a fantastic music sharing livejournal community I'm in. The person posting said of Girlyman: "One word. Harmonies." And that's about it. They have the most incredible braiding together of voices I've ever heard. The first song I ever heard was Amaze Me, which Sandra described as giving her chills. I totally agree. My strongest memory of this song was on the fourth of July. Our family had just gotten back from the Andrews' lake house, and Carolyn, Dad, April and I were rushing to Libby's building to see fireworks. Carolyn and I felt that Amaze Me was pretty much the perfect song to listen to on Independence Day, since it's about America but in a totally off-kilter way. We were running through downtown Rochester in the middle of the night, and it felt like the end of the world. The fireworks had already started, so no one was really on the streets, just random people running around like we were. There was steam coming up through the manhole covers and the sky kept lighting up with fireworks and the air would crackle with the booms. It was like a movie. It was amazing. So naturally, "Amaze Me" is a very appropriate song.

I don't have any cool stories to tell about the other two songs, but they are also wonderful. "Young James Dean" is actually pretty up-tempo, considering it's Girlyman. It's fantastically genderbendy.
"The Shape I Found You In" is gorgeous and heartbreaking. I only really got hooked on this song over winter camping. But it is absolutely beautiful. I don't know what else to say about it other than you must hear it. Oh, and it's really sad. Just FYI.

Anyway, after that looong intro, here they are:
Amaze Me
Young James Dean
The Shape I Found You In

I wanted to write about other aspects of my life, but I'm strangely exhausted and I need to read Frankenstein. Winter Camping was unbelievably wonderful, of course. Every year is amazing, but this year I think was the most relaxing. I avoided drama. I knitted. Whatever I was doing, for the most part I just felt very content. And now I miss everyone very very much.

School is better this semester. I'm still not especially interested in it, but it isn't killing me. It's way easier. I just go and sort of zone out. So that's something. Hate the commute.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I need to get out of Rochester and out from under everyone else's shadows. I'm tired of being there. Of being here.

Enjoy the beautiful music.

11:43pm: Paris makes it tragic.
Exceptional love song: Red Right Ankle--The Decemberists
Stunning breakup song: Your Ex-Lover is Dead--Stars

Time it took me to finally listen to my friends and start listening to those amazing bands: Far too long.

Days left of school: 5

Assignments remaining: two essays, two tests, one presentation

Nervous Breakdowns this semester: too many

Bio: Boring. I'm sorry. :(

Lab: A joke. But my lab partner was fun.

Math: Bipolar--sometimes lovely, sometimes sad. I love my teacher though.

English: Good for me like edamame. Is that how you say that word? It was also a good self-esteem booster.
With mostly wonderful classmates.

Honors/night/women's class (I went back and forth referring to it as all of those): Fun but I'm tired. Also good for me. Poor Marilyn & Diana & Lilith & Eve. You can't be an icon without being sad.

This weekend, I have five days worth of work to do in 48 hours. I already know I'm going to end up pissing off some people because I'm not going to be able to do it all even though I try, I promise I try. So I'm sorry if you're one of the people I disappoint.

Working 20 hours/week over intersession. Mom didn't want me to so she said if I didn't get all A's she wouldn't let me work that much. Her reverse psych or whatever that was didn't work.

Highlight of the month has been decorating admissions for Christmas.

I've recently learned that sperm feeds off fructose and is happiest in a cooler-than-body temperature environment.

I hope my brain is happy in an environment outside of the body too, because I think I left it in the AIP room along with my intellect and any scrape of class I used to possess.

Elsa is going to own a very swanky fabric store and have an office in the back with poufy chaises and lots of history books. I'm going to live in a garret in Paris and spend every moment of my time hiding under the bedcovers and listening to music. We decided I had to be in Paris, otherwise I'd just be emo. But Paris makes it tragic.

If you haven't been tuning out my whining of the past few months (and if you have, I commend you...but obviously you aren't because you're reading this...) you've probably noticed I feel I've been very overworked.

I really, really haven't.

I only took 14 credits.

I' m working less than 15 hours a week.

I was only filling out four college applications.

And the SAT was finished in the beginning of October.

This was my first fulltime semester. It really isn't that much. But I can't handle it. I freak out at everything. I have no patience for homework or people or my job or retartded MCC motorists or poor cashiers and baristas. I freak out at fourteen credits. I can't go on to coughrealcough college. If I can't handle these measly fourteen credits, what other conclusion is there to draw than I'm not cut out for college? I should've been able to take 18 credits and work 20 hours and still have time to go to every concert and party and show. I don't know why I couldn't. Do you think it has something to do with the fact that I take the time to write angsty LJ posts when I should be doing bio homework?
Nah. That can't be it.

I'm not looking forward to much at all.

But I love each of you. Merry happy joyful Christmas. I'm sorry if you read this, I just had to whine and vent for a little while. And what fun would it be to do that in a dignified quiet way?

9:17pm: Anniversary
Today is Michaela's birthday, which I know because one year ago was the JM concert. Those were the days...

Nostalgia. Here it comes again.

The one and only time I crowdsurfed. Phil Marvin, the car with which Nathalie had chemistry. Frosties and french fries in the middle of the night. My cousin, before she left us for Naples. The days when I knew what I was going to do with my life/year/month and the kind of music I liked was in vogue and I wasn't taking biology. I'm sure at the time, I was nostalging (it's a verb now) about some time before that. But I don't remember it being quite like this.

There's this book by Sharon Shinn called Archangel. It's a wonderful escape book. It's romantic and epic and fastastic. All the people are beautiful and either good or bad, never in between, and everyone can sing. I love it.

On the bright side, I'm listening to Stars now. And they're wonderful. And Thanksgiving is coming up, which I don't really have a ton of interest in, but I'll get to see Emily which will be fun! And then Christmas can start, which I am going to try to drown myself in.

I love you guys. Thank you for tolerating my emomania. I will outgrow it! I will I will!

5:58pm: Eve & Lilith
Firstly--Thank you all for your input and advice on my life. It's so good to hear everything you have to tell me. Something I think I didn't mention was that I did have a plan for my life. I was going to major in Psychology or neuroscience and then go onto grad school at the U of R etc etc. So I'm not sure declaring a major is quite what I need, because I pretty much had. But it's still so helpful to hear whatever you guys throw my way. So thank you thank you. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm sure you'll here about it when I do figure something out.

I'm writing a paper on Eve and Lilith, and because I am a geek and I get excited by good poetry, I had to share these two beautiful poems. I tried to share my enthusiasm with Carolyn and she just looked at me blankly. But maybe some of you like poetry, even if not as obsessively as I do.

( EveCollapse )

( LilithCollapse )

10:58pm: A plea
I don't want to go to school anymore.

What do I do?!

Lately I've been remembering that I love to write. Critical responses, still not so much, but I love to write memoir. (That's code for, "I love to talk about me.")
I only allow myself a day of gloating when something good happens to me, but guess what-- I've got 33 minutes left. Today I got a narrative essay back, my first essay of the semester. I'd written a paper for another class and gotten my first ever failing grade for it, but this essay was my first major writing assignment of the year.

My teacher's comment was, "Flawless."

That made me happy.

I'm done gloating now.

I just got accepted as a transfer to SUNY Potsdam. I've never even seen the school. It's kind of just a safety school for me. But I haven't actually applied to the other 3 schools I'm interested in because I'm too lazy to write the personal statement needed for 2 of them and the admissions adviser woman from the other won't email me back. But still, being accepted into a real life institution...it feels like a big deal.

Especially because after the jubilation of being WANTED wears off, I think, "2, 4, 6 more years of school...urgh." I'm so tired of essays and tests and uncomfortable desks and crappy food and unyielding pressure to get this all right. At least I never have to take the SAT again. But I really don't know what to do. I'm sort of considering taking a year off, but that idea freaks me out even more than the idea of being in school for the next half a decade. See, I've never been one of those good homeschoolers. When I'm not just assigned stuff, I bum around and do nothing. Leave Carolyn home alone for a day and she'll have made a plateful of pastry, composed an original piece of music on the piano, transferred it to her computer, mixed it and set it to a movie she'd made. Leave me alone for a day and...I drive to the bookstore, read Bitch magazine, drive home.

So I'm afraid if I took a year off, I would fail at life. (Well, I'm also afraid if I don't do well on my lab test, I'll fail at life. I worry a lot.) I like to picture taking a year off and going to England and helping people open and restaurant while caring for their young son, and going and visiting Anna in Germany, and learning French by actually living in France. But would that actually happen? Would I be horribly lonely and regret not going to school?

I think what is even harder than not being able to have what you want is not knowing what you want.

So I ask all of you older, sager, and wiser:

How'd you manage it? How did you go to MCC for four years straight and then off to a four-year school?
How are you not exhausted and burned out and totally apathetic about your future?
Is there anything you wish you'd done differently?
Is sager a word?
Any other advice?

Thank you. Here is a song that my Mom plays over and over and over in the car and always makes us feel better, or at least that Everything Will Be Okay: by Ingrid Michaelson

Love,
Ellyn

10:52pm: Youtubing it up
Lately Mom's been on a Jane Austen movie kick, so over the past few nights we've been watching the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.
I think Bridget Jones can sum it up better than I can:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HR_i04gGZ6U
(I want to marry Colin Firth. But don't worry, Zachary--He's 30 years older than I am and Mom has first dibs. So you're still first!)

And on another subject, this woman is still my idol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyL07LUB7tA&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Flj%2Dtoys%2Ecom%2F%3Fjournalid%3D1083913%26moduleid%3D25%26auth%5Ftoken%3Dsessionless%3A1189389600%3Aembedcontent%3A1083913%252
(Except for the whole cigarette smoking thing. She had to cultivate her husky voice. Mine came naturally!)

Oh, and I think I'm a tenor. Not an alto. A tenor.



My birthday's coming up. Our conversation about it went like this:
Dad: Ellyn...are you doing anything for your birthday?
Me: Probably not. I have school and work that day.
Mom: She's not doing anything.
Dad: Are you sure?
Me: Well, I don't want to plan anything.
Mom: Nope, she's not going to do anything for it.
Dad: We could have people over for dinner...
Me: I don't know. Maybe.
Mom: She's not doing anything.

And that's my birthday.

Also, another reason why I love my sister:
(It's pouring rain)
Me: Do we have any umbrellas in here?
Carolyn: You can stand under my umbrella. ...I don't actually have an umbrella, I just wanted to say that.
Me: I love you.

11:45pm: NOSTALGIA
This week has been such a blast-from-the-past weirdness week.  I mean--I'm on Livejournal!!!!  No one even reads LJ anymore, it's all Facebook Facebook.  But I watched some episodes of Star Trek which flung me back into my nerdy past.  I've decided that since I'm already driving a minivan emblazoned with a "Vulcan Science Academy" sticker, I may as well embrace the geekiness.  So far I've proudly displayed some fuzzy dice I was given as a gift on my rearview mirror.  Speaking of which--fuzzy dice.  What the hell?  Who looked at a rearview mirror and thought, "Huh.  That would really look spiffier with some dice and OMG they should be fuzzy." 

And the other bit of nostalgia is old emails, IMs, and LJ entries.  Reading through all of them (not literally ALL of them, I promise I'm not that sad) made me soooo sappy reminiscent.  The thing is, we all know things probably weren't as lovely as they seem in emails.  There was actually more drama then than there is now.  But still...back then, we weren't all working all the time.  Instead, we were talking to each other allll night long.  Ah, the days.

Ok I'm done reminiscing.

I've been working at Admission at MCC along with the lovely Penfield Public Library.  It's a fun place.  Donnaburke is so easily excited.  She fired me a couple times today.  Leah was showing me how to scan and Zack was down in the AIP room, and he came upstairs to get something and then went back downstairs.  After he left, Donna walked by and was like, "Ellyn, Zack just walked into a door.  I think you're too distracting.  This just isn't working out.  You're going to have to leave."  Later, we were all in a cubicle stuffing envelopes (I was stuffing envelopes while Zack, Rachel and Leah watched) and Donna came in with a piece of paper and starts drawing on it.  "Ok, this is a measure of brain cells Ellyn is using and this is the slope showing how productivity goes down the more she's here."  And Zack's like, "That makes no sense..."  Then he started talking math talk and I couldn't really understand.  Donna couldn't either, so she took the graph that was actually some poor soul's high school transcript and left, muttering about us darn kids.  Hah.  It's fun.

One more quote for your amusement:
Leah:  I really like guys names that begin with J.
Ellyn:  Joe?
Leah:  Um...no.
Zack:  Jake?
Leah:  No.
Rachel:  Jack?
Leah:  Well, no.
Zack, Ellyn, Rachel:  Jed?  John?  Jeremiah?  Justin?
Leah:  Ok, I like two guy's names that begin with J!!

And the weird part?  One of the names was Jethro.

3:46pm: Harry Potter
Well, I finished it. I think it took me about 12-13 hours. I stopped a lot, because I didn't want it to end. When I finished, I sort of sighed dramatically and closed the book and Mom said, "Well, that's the end of your childhood." Thanks, Mom. Although she is kind of right. The Harry Potter books--along with...I don't know, the iPod?--define our generation. It's so strange to picture a world in which there is no Next Harry Potter Book.

Coping strategies??? Anyone?! I have an obsessive personality, so right now I'm just like...now what do I do with my life? Hah, yup, that's me. Fun.

Isn't it great how I don't update my journal when big, important things happen (I finally got my licence) but only when things like a book series ends? Oh well. It's important to me!

9:20pm: Thank You
Thank you for everyone who IMed/LJed/spoke/othered to me after my previous very very angsty post. Because I can never say it enough, you guys are amazing. All you said helped me so much. It hasn't been an easy year, and I don't really know if things are smoothing out, but I hope to God they are. I love each and every one of you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Leave a comment and I will....

1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with a song/film.
3 - Tell a random fact about you.
4 - Tell a first memory about you.
5 - Associate you with a character/pairing.
6 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours [if it pertains]. <--(I probably won't do that one. I don't even know where to find user pics.)
8 - In response, you must spread this disease in your journal. must.

10:56pm: "here we are. hi. hi. hi."
It's gotten so that I cannot hold my head up.
No, really. Kurt's giving me stuff to do so that the muscles in my neck aren't so messed up, because the muscles on the left are shorter than the same muscles on the right, and they're all stretched tight and it fucking hurts. Migraines at african dance are not the most fun thing. I think they're somewhere in between having your most honest conversations over IM (less not fun) and breaking up with someone at winter camping (more not fun).

This is some spring we're having, huh?
This is some year we're having.
What month is it, April? Oh yeah. April. Damn. What can I say? I talk too much. I waste my words.

I'm sorry. I haven't really done anything right yet this year, and I'm sorry.
In the past four months, I've made one (?) friend. I've lost more. I've made some enemies, I guess. I wish they would tell me what I did, beyond being a generally terrible person. I mean, where do you start fixing things at that point?

Too many people have died this year.

Kurt told me I walk like I'm carrying something on my back. Ouch. He suggested I think less. By all means, sign me up for that. Shut up brain. Please shut up.

The adults I've talked to about this say it isn't me, and I should just let other people worry about hating me and ignore it. But all these people didn't hate me last year, did they? So obviously they haven't changed. I've changed. But no one will tell me how. Please--what am I doing wrong? What is different? I've heard I soon won't have any friends. Soon is a bad word. There's signs near us that say "Road work beginning soon." Um, okay. Thanks for that warning. Do you mean in the next year? Month? Minute? The person who told me I'm going to lose all my friends was also vague. I didn't get any advice on how to avoid that fate. It should probably be obvious. I'm sorry I don't understand.

I do love you. And you, and you, and you. As I visited colleges, interviewers said, "Before I went to college, I had friends, but they were such shallow friendships. Here, you'll make true lifelong friends." And I kept thinking, "I have true friends." Despite how awful I've become, I still value every friendship I have with everyone reading this, and so many people who aren't. You mean the world to me. I mean come on--I'm a sixteen year old girl. You are the world to me. Yesterday, someone gave me a theory about why people think I'm so self-centered. "You worry so much about what other people think of you." Yeah, I do. And you can tell me that's fucked up all you want, but I know that. I need a new line.

i'm caught in my own screenplay, i laughed, i can never leave. i'm constantly writing myself into it.
i just played a soundtrack to a sad and beautiful and perfect letter, and the music is stuck in my head, and the last thing i am thinking about...

Idle talk, hollow promises
Cheating Judases, doubting Thomases
Don't just stand there and shout it
Do something about it
Ok.
This is going to be long(er) and probably cause more problems, but it's late, I have to get up early, and I'm dumb, so here it is. Most of the people I'm talking to don't even know these words exist, but that's why I'm taking this cheap way out.

1. You are the best of us, probably because you aren't one of us. I love you dearly, and I like to think you love me more than I can tell. I'm probably going to need you to take care of me someday, because you're the only sane one. I wish I knew you'd stick up for me.

2. You scare me, but that's ok because I get you. Actually, it's sort of disturbing how much I get you. But don't worry. People love you, even if they insult you. What would I do without you? Well, to start, I'd have a much less drama-filled life, because you wouldn't narrate it for me. But then when the drama inevitably did come, I wouldn't have you to make sense of it for me. So thank you.

3. I love you, I really truly do. I'm sorry I suck at friendships. You are high-maintenaince, and I am self-centered, and it's hard for me to care for you as much as you need. I'm sorry. But I do care for you, very very much. I hope you stop hating me, and I hope I can get better at being your friend.

4. You definitely won't read this, because you are too cool for LJ. Apparently people hate you too. Sucks to be us, doesn't it? My bad influence. I love how easy it is for us to be friends--we call, we bitch, we scream, we feel better. Thank you.

5. Hah, we're best friends by proxy, aren't we? Am I even using that word right? You would know, because you are brilliant and beautiful and we all hate you for it. But you know I love you, and you are going to be amazing at whatever you do and I hope I still know you so you can babysit my kids!

6. We're not best friends anymore, but that's ok. You will forever be important in my life, and just to use another cliche, I wouldn't be who I am without you. You really do enrich everything around you, and I love you for it.

7. I guess you don't hate me, you just dislike me. I'm not quite sure where the line is, but I guess it's good to be on this side of it? I don't know you, so I don't know how to convince you that I'm not worth disliking, but you are the person second least likely to read this, so...I'm sorry.

8. I'm so, so, sorry for what you're going through. You'd say it's my fault, and so would I. Other people say differently, but it is my fault. And I don't even know where I'm going with this, but I wish I could fix things. I didn't know the whole story. If I had, things might've been different. I don't know. I don't know you very well, but I know you're smart and beautiful and outside of that, we actually have some things in common. I think at this point, I'd like for you to be happy even if that means things'll suck for me. You didn't deserve this.

9. See what I said up there? I mean it again. You are one of the most wonderful people I've ever known. You talk in silly voices and you remember what I say and you could tell when things were wrong, all stuff I suck at. You deserve so much happiness. I hope you find someone who is perfect for you, and who doesn't break your heart. You're incredible.

10. I don't often know what you think, but I put a lot of value into it, when I do know. And when I don't know, which is often a problem. I thought you hated me. Or didn't like me. Or something. Now I'm not so sure. But I hope you like me okay, because I've known you our entire lives, and it'd be weird if things were bad. And you're just very cool. We all know that.

11. There's self-centered, then there's narcissistic. I'm one. You're the other. But that's okay. I probably shouldn't inflate your ego more, darling, but you are lovely and talented. It's true. And I remember when you were little and goofy.

12. How did we become best friends? That's kind of really sad. And yet you're the person I talk to first when things get crazy. I guess I like how your solution to most things is junk food and guys on TV. And Defying Gravity. 11 times in a row. At full volume. We're such idiots.

13. I don't even know what to say. You were the first person I knew of to hate my guts. I still don't quite know what changed between 6 months ago and now, much less 12 monthts ago and now. But you'll never read this, and I've said it all before. So I'm sorry for whatever it is I did. I know you'd just get pissed off at the fact that I don't know, but I'm sorry. I'd like to think you won't hate me forever, but the thing is...you probably will.

14. Wow, we've been through a lot. I'm not going to say the phrase, but you probably know what I'm thinking. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what's going to happen. I want you to be happy. I wish you hadn't fucked things up in exactly the way you did, but I'm not mad at you for it. That's life, and I love you. I wish I could give you an answer, and write out what's going to happen like in a sitcom life. But this is improv, darling. We don't have a fancy scripted The End, just a see you.

10:49pm: Like Blink-182
This LJ INDEFINITE HIATUS.
Because MCC starts tomorrow.
So I leave you with a list of songs that if you're not listening to already, you might consider checking out:

I'm Normal, Please Date Me--Charlotte Martin (Best lyrics ever)

Us--Regina Spektor (3 out of 3 in my list of Songs That Always Make Me Happy. Also on the list is...)

I Hear The Bells--Mike Doughty

Touchdown Turnaround (Don't Give Up On Me)--hellogoodbye

Eileen
Momentum
The Artist--all by The Hush Sound (Who are amazingly amazing.)

My Name Is Trouble--Nightmare Of You

And Then You Kissed Me--The Cardigans (THANK YOU EMILY!)

The Point Of It All--The Dresden Dolls

Running Up That Hill--Placebo (AndrewAlex mentioned this to me. Then I stumbled across it again. It's good.)

11:29pm: crazy
So how was everyone's holiday? I spent the majority of my "break" with the majority of you. But guess what--I'm going to talk about it anyway.
I saw a lot of movies, which was very satisfying because I never seem to get to see movies. I saw Bobby, which apparently no one else saw, but it was pretty good. And Frederico from Six Feet Under had a good part in it. In the same seating we saw Stranger Than Fiction which was very different from Bobby but also good. Very cute.
I've decided I need to see Dreamgirls and Casino Royale again, because they were that good. So if you're going let me know.

It's been an insane few weeks. We shoud've been skiing today, but it's fifty-eight degrees outside. So there is no skiing and it's sad. I'm scared. I want my Bristol fridays, because the alternative is my going-to-work fridays.

I'm sure everyone already knows that my sister is an amazing genius person, but did you know she's an amazing genius person who's talked to Eliza Dushku? Well, ok, technically Eliza talked to her, but still. Carolyn has been interning on the set of The Alphabet Killer. So now I can say Carolyn's spoken to me, Eliza Dushku's spoken to her, and James Marsters has spoken to Eliza. AWESOME!!! I've practically talked to Spike!
Hah.
Anyway.
That's what's new in the world of my incredible sister. In my world, the things that are new are shallow and silly and nothing you don't already know. So I guess that's it.

12:13am: The end
Well my darling pals, another semester is over. And it's been so long since I've written the LJ format is different.
How was everyone's Fall 2006? I had a good semester. I think you guys mostly know why. But the CLASSES weren't half bad either. I got to go a lot of concerts. And now christmas is only 5 days away. Weird. I'm looking forward to new years and bristol! But I also have to get through...The SAT. (ba-ba-ba-bam-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum. That's the funeral march, by the way.) I'm trying to ignore it as much as possible while studying like a lunatic. Ick. And by the time I take the SAT, the spring semester will have started. There is no rest. Except...winter camping. Let the countdown begin!!!

11:04pm: My Xmas Stocking
( my xmas stockingCollapse )

12:58pm: Un Chant
Mes chers amis,
Voici un beau chant pour tout le monde. C'est bouleversant.
http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=CFF9247B63F2055E
(J'espére ce n'est pas fermé)
Je t'aime.

10:47pm: This book is so awe-some!
WE SAW WICKED.
You know how when you were little, you'd get all excited for your birthday? You'd look at the calendar every day and count how much longer you had to endure the wait. You'd obsess over YOUR BIRTHDAY. Then it finally comes, and it's gone just like that, and then you're depressed.
I'm depressed.
Wicked was unspeakably amazing. The plot, for one thing, made a lot more sense with dialogue. The dialogue was actually funny and not only broadway melodramatic. I loved Shoshanna Bean as Elphaba. And the Fiyero was actually pretty attractive.
AND MR TRICK FROM BUFFY WAS IN IT!
Almost (if not all of you) have no idea who he is. But this guy actually had a recurring role on Buffy, and he got a name and lines and everything. So seeing him in Wicked was pretty exciting. I read in his little bio that he was Mr. Trick and I had this sort of seizure in my seat and starting sqeaking and hitting Carolyn with the program in my attempts to show her. The heart attack came later, during the finale of act 1. I really hope that show has a loooong run because I need to see it again someday.
Sigh.
Then it took us over 2 hours to cross the border coming home.
And I spent all of today doing homework.
And I'm getting a cold.
And April's singing Fergie to me.
Over IM.
paints mee blue: f to the e r g the i the e
paints mee blue: wait
paints mee blue: i know what it is now
paints mee blue: i
paints mee blue: i'm the F to the E R G the I the E and no other girl
paints mee blue: man i lost it

You know what? I hate to say it and ruin our whole oh-we're-teenagers-we're-all-jaded-and-cynical thing, but I'm ready for christmas to start. The whole month of it. Bring on the yuletide commercialism.
Now I'm going to go to sleep, and when I wake up my paper will be written and I won't have a sore throat that's making me pukey.

12:06am: Plain White T's + Jack's Mannequin + Panic! At The Disco
It was amazing.

Tibbi didn't have a ticket, but she drove to RIT anyway hoping to scalp one. (I don't actually know if that's the right word, but...it's worth a shot.) And she DID. I don't know how that girl does what she does. Grace, April, Tibbi and I were packed into the rib-condensing, other-people's-hair-in-your-mouth, you-can-pick-your-feet-up-and-not-fall, suffocating hysteria of general admission for the Plain White T's. It's such a great detox to get soaked in other people's sweat. I had the hair of three different people in my mouth all at once. I couldn't breathe and my wrist was at this awkward uncomfortable angle and I mentioned to April I thought it might break, so she somehow managed to wrench it up a little.

Not since Cartel have I been in the kind of crowd where you're practically at a right angle with the ground and yet not on it. There was one part where the pushing started again and about 20 people, the 4 of us included, all fell. That is pretty scary because the space above you just closes up immediatly. It's how falling through ice might be, except excruciating hot instead of cold...? But we were lucky because enough people fell that everyone around us noticed. I grabbed some guy's back and hauled myself up.

Oh yeah, and there was actually a band playing...hah. Plain White T's were pretty fun. They seemed like nice guys who were happy to get to be playing, which I always like in a band. And I was only 15 feet from them, so I could see their goofy facial expressions. I need to get some of their music. I knew exactly 1 of their songs. And that was a good song.

After the set, we took a break for water and to compare how soaked in other people's sweat we were. Grace had gum in her hair.

We stayed out of the pit for Jack's Mannequin, because I wanted to be able to actually see, and in there I usually just see hair. Jacks was great, of course. They played Rescued, which made me rediculously happy. Hearing a favorite song played live is one of those experiences that you just can't describe and can't even justly relive in your head. But it was wonderful.

Then we all sat around and shrieked in each others ears while they changed sets. We saw Casper (he's Andrew McMahon's agent sort of guy) but not Andrew. I didn't care much though, because it's too stressful to care. I just figured, "concert. Yay."

When Panic! At The Disco came on, I was like whoa because I hadn't been paying attention to the stage at all while they'd prepared it, so I wasn't aware that it'd become a circus. Literally. They had a dude in a lion's cage, and strippers and straightjackets and stuff. I like P!ATD, but I feel like the overdo it live. Yeah, their act is cool, but it distracts a lot from their actual music ability, so I don't really know how much they have. It's funny to me, though, how much their fans complained when they toured with The Dresden Dolls, who I think match them much much more then JM. PATD and the Dolls both have that crazy mime thing going on. (Except The Dresden Dolls manage to be more entertaining with just the two of them and their two instruments, which is why I love them.)

Carolyn's been mentioning all the cool stuff during PATD's act, and I'm like "Huh? When was that?" I don't know why I didn't see most of this. I can't remember anything in particular, because I guess I didn't see it. I was in the pit for a while, where obviously I couldn't see a thing. And I keep using the phrase "the pit" but mostly there wasn't actually a mosh pit. But during PATD there was. I got dropped in the middle of it. It was shocking.

And I think that crowdsurfing is my new favorite extreme sport. (I'm not sure what my old favorite extreme sport was.) I'm feeling the pain of getting dropped now, but I didn't then what with all the adrenaline rushing through me. And it was so much fun. People were very nice, too, which was nice. I'd just tap someone on the shoulder (preferably a biggish guy WITHOUT a girlfriend--that's very important) and say "Lift me up?" And then off you go. And when I got set down, even when I didn't get DROPPED, everyone was like, "You OK? You good? Wanna go up again?" I love nice people! It's so refreshing! At other concerts, people have been terrible. But this crowd wasn't bad.

Tibbi and I kept meeting in the back after we'd lose each other crowdsurfing (and we kept losing Kat, even though she wasn't moving on top of the masses of people) and one time I walked up to her and she was like, "I lost my phone!" She already lost this phone once, at MCC, and got it back in lost & found a couple days later. I figured it'd been crushed. But she texted her phone from April's, and after the show ended a security guy called from it. So we think that phone is an extention of herself, and even though she keeps losing it, she always manages to get it back. (Oooh...that's deep.)

Then we packed into Tibbi's old lady car (which I love love love) and went to Wendy's for our standard post-concert frostys and milkshakes. Yum.

I'm sorry I made that so long. The few of you who still read LJ are going to have clogged up friends lists. Just out of curiousty, who DOES still read this? Is there anyone left over here, or have you all migrated to myspace and facebook?

10:40pm: Watch Veronica Mars!
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b360/hollabackmegg/194.jpg

8:35pm: the attention just encourages her
I'm a little bit wound up and my head is throbbing painfully. And the concert was 2 days ago!
AAR was awesome. We were in the front row, right in front of the enormous speakers. HUGE SPEAKERS. I cannot stress enough that the speakers were big. The sound moved the hair on our arms. As April said, "My eyebrows were dancing!" With the first drumbeat, we were literally thrown back into our seats. It was painful, but so much fun! And by the time AAR came onstage, the pain had worn off. Or we just had enough adrenaline pumping through our systems so that we couldn't feel the pain.
Oh, and then we went to Wendy's and the total was $11.11. Which was just SO cool.
When's our next concert?
Oh yeah...JACKS MANNEQUIN. Yesss.