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[	Make it Loud	|	Where Does the Good Go - Tegan and Sara	]

So last night, sleep didn't come easy yet again, but at least I'm not thinking about the situation at hand every second of the day. I've pretty much just been me the last day or so. I don't know. 

This afternoon I went out with my mom and sister. I headed to my East Brunswick doctors. Yes, you read it right.  Doctors. Dr. Z is a cool guy, but he's my dermatologist. Nothing major there. Then I went to Dr. Hosea, my orthopedic surgeon hoping to score some good news to lift my spirits. Last November, I was playing on the floor with my sister and I stood up to quickly, felt my knee lock, and collapsed to the ground. Turns out: I had a partial tear in my hamstring. I swear sometimes I feel like my body is held together by strings.

I did in fact get good news, after 8 months of rehabilitation... I'm free and in the clear as far as surgery goes. The tear is healing on its own, slowly but surely, and I just have to keep rehabbing for a little bit. I'll take it. Better than a repeat of Summer 2004.

Speaking of Summer 2004, I was in Pet Paradise today with my mom and sister, looking at fish, when I bumped into these two people who worked at Country Roads. They were getting fish for the Aquarium kids because at the end of this week, they were due to receive their fish. The girl... I think her name was Maria... asked how I knew they were for aquarium? Obviously, I had to have gone to the camp, but I figured...being that she was serious about her question... I'd spare her the sarcasm. Thirteen years wasted on that place. The insanity. Although, I can't say it was a total waste, I mean, I have great memories there and I still have great friends. I just wish I hadn't parted with the camp on such bad terms, but what can you do? There's only so much you can take for so long and I guess it was time.

A, you were right. It did help to speak to him... he said that it was in my head that things were awkward between us... I had honestly made it that way and I am the first to admit it. Plus, seeing him for the first time in three weeks wasn't that bad either. He went pretty close to your home town, probably only a few miles away, to visit some family. Just the smile on his face when he saw me made my day and I don't think he's ever hugged me tighter. This was the conversation:

Him: I wondered how long it'd take you to find me here. I missed you while I was away... I really did.

Me: I missed you too. I didn't have any good stories to tell for a whole three weeks.

Him: See...we have a great friendship. I do stupid shit to give you good stories, you make sure I don't die. I like that.

Me: Yep, that's us.

Him: I wasn't kidding though, I did miss you a lot. I went to that town near San Fransisco towards the end of the trip when we saw the city... Half Moon Bay. It definitely reminded me of you. I wanted to call you, but I figured you were working and I shouldn't bother.

Me: You know I would have called you back as soon as I could. Work isn't that important.

Him: Now I know I'm rubbing off on you.

Maybe, my past mistake will help me see what I am doing wrong now. Everyone wants to know whether I'm going back next week...and I don't blame them nor do I mind. Personally, I think I need to lick my wounds for a while and just chill out. We both need some space...ha. Another one of your brilliant concepts. It's gotta be the age difference.

Sometimes, things can be in my head... but lately I'm in over my head. Anyone care to differ?


~ Danielle ~

[	Make it Loud	|	Over My Head (Cable Car) ~ The Fray	]
[	Right Now	|	contemplative	]
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There's always one song that reminds you of that special someone. As soon as it comes on the radio, you daydream and smile. If your driving, suddenly, all the lights turn green and the road empties. I won't mention the name, but for me... it was Over My Head (Cable Car) by the Fray. It's a long story as to why, but I think for the most part it was that I felt like I was falling deep for this person. Honestly, I know I did and just because nothing's going on right now doesn't mean that...well... I've dug myself out yet. All I seemed to listen to was the chorus...and yet, that wasn't even the meaning of the song.

I feared listening to it for a day or so now. It came on the car radio around 2pm this afternoon and I freaked out and turned off the station. I'd have rather heard silence than that song. You know, it's amazing how time can change your thoughts.

So I own an LG X9800... basically, Verizon's sidekick. I can upload music from my PC to the phone. Honestly though, every time after I'd leave from seeing him, I'd play the song. Today, around 9, after a long and therapeutic mix-CD from my darling friend, Lauren, I dared to play the song.

The crazy thing is... it made more sense now. It's not a love song. It's a song for the broken-heart and today... that was me. It was my song all along. It strikes me as odd that something you fear so much can be so healing once you conquer that fear.

Just some lines to highlight that:

- I wish you were a stranger I could disengage (I wish he was just some stranger I could forget about like nothing.)

-  And suddenly I become a part of your past/I'm becoming the part that don't last/I'm losing you and its effortless (So basically this means that he's not interested in me and he's going to put our friendship behind us and all I had to do was talk to him for a minute or two. It was that simple.)

- I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves (I don't want to let these feelings go until we are together and we can, to be sappy, light the fire between us)

- Everyone knows I'm in over my head (All my friends know this is taking it's toll on me.)

So...it's more of my anthem now than anything and that's fine by me. Either way, it'll always remind me of him and for now... I'm okay with that.

~ Danielle ~

PS: 
 ----> Mrs. Carrabba, thanks for the CD. I love it. It's helping, it really is...and thanks for getting me over my fear. 

-----> A, you were right when you once said that we all try to make everything work, but sometimes things don't always work out. I mean, lightning struck once...you know what happened between me and him the first time, but it didn't happen again with this new guy last night. I don't think it's gonna happen a second time...