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May 11th, 2010
12:58 am - here's looking at you
i look at her face now and i wondered if i had ever actually seen her 10 whole years ago
or if i had been looking at myself the whole time
i had not seen her for her
i had only seen her as reflection of me
it put me off
the love reflection was not one i could accept
i look at her face in a picture and think she looks regal, determined, delicate, but essentially robust. i look at her and almost remember her smell that of course i can't describe because the only way i think to describe it is in words that point to dampened summer skin with freckles.
women are so interesting in the ways they smell and how you want to sink further into them, or not.
and it occured to me that the people had been more like places I had gone to,
the people had been the places.
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May 6th, 2010
03:04 pm
i showed a friend this page today and I have forgotten about this way to write, to write without anyone really looking. the freedom in having a blank page to play, to let the words come as they will. mostly a place for feelings as words. for the inner world to happen outside of myself. i think so much and have been having trouble putting any words to the interior landscape. and how can I write anything else when the thing itself needs an outlet. oh, to write. to something.
lately i am in the place of no words, a young place, back to the beginning when everything is a speck waiting to born. here i am wrapped like lettuce leaves. thoughts and emotions sit inside one another. Im waiting and I'm watching. these words are the same as many before. its a recurrance this interior experience - its usually the same questions. for what? for who? what for? for me.
the horizons here are different than in africa. so much is happening that it feels like nothing is happening. i overlooked the fact that the horizon has changed. my eyes became so used to seeing such broad landscapes that here, in my bedroom in brooklyn where I am lucky enough to look out onto green backyards, I can't see any horizon. and the periphery is so closed in.
was it the loss of loves in the last year? i need to speak more so i can be querried on the inconsistencies. so much that comes out now is sstrange disconnection. everyhing i see looks like a distraction. our whole lives look like distractions, one moment just covering up the original one. I dont understand the way we live here, but it looks different. to what? for who? what for?
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October 10th, 2009
03:59 pm - heart pedal
the thing itself - elusive, pointy,
taunts back and forth.
on my bicycle i
pedal one foot then another
wind on my left check
inside my ear
pedal -
and its back, stuck inside my head
pedal another foot-
and forth, its gone
all the way home one after another.
mind tries to translate the heart and fails always
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August 1st, 2009
10:57 pm
while riding the bike up the hill and struggling I thought, I dont know what I am made of. I dont know if i ever have, or ever will. competition has always driven me somewhere, but why? Does this mean that I havent had the goal of pleasing myself? or is it through my competitive nature that I arrive at pleasing myself,.. or is the competition what is pleasing to me in some way?
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September 15th, 2007
01:42 am
We thank and
we hope;
I don’t know to what, or to who
But my nature tells me it's so
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September 13th, 2007
02:11 pm
i want my hair back.
why did i go and cut bangs again?
trying to be easygoing, i think.
man, i was just getting to dig my hair again, and now this.
if you let other people decide you may not like the results.
DUH.
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September 12th, 2007
12:49 am
just a little stupid moment
in all the moments that happen so frequently
its about rejection
in the name of something else
or some girl who has a cool name
its about the love
or the sex that i want
that coincides or doesnt, with others.
all these little tears that fall
along with sobs
of disbelieft
like i thought this life would be different
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September 9th, 2007
09:31 pm
Los Angeles
Layers of my personality wash over me
everything comes and goes here
in the middle of the middle
I wanna fuck my way out.
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September 6th, 2007
01:31 pm
.....
She crawled down the cat walk -
(older, a smoker, but tight, disciplined)
donned all in shiny black
covering each arm and each leg
(six or eight of them in total)
tight black vinyl wraps over the elbows,
vixen-tongue-tight all the way down to the ankles and the wrists
two headed spider lady wears gold rimmed sunglasses and a turban
The other head hangs just below, dark dread locked
Spider lady crawls unglamourously down the catwalk when the suit comes a part a bit
breaking her complicated, seasoned rhythm
And I think shame on the designer for
this spectacle -
form without function exposed the subject as a freak
....
I dreamed this on the plane this morning and wrote it down because it was such bizarre imagery. when I got home, B informed me that there had been a black widow yesterday in the apartment that hung around all afternoon, which they later killed.
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09:06 am
Face the truth.
Even if you don’t want it.
Even if
you don’t
want it.
If you know it and can see it,
You are obliged to honor it.
Face the truth and your spirit will rise
Don’t sink,
Your spirit will be happier this way.
Face the truth
Why don’t you want to?
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