The algorithm knew I was sad
before I told anyone.
It saw me pause on a video
about loneliness for four seconds longer
than a happy person would.
It took notes.
It knows my weakness
is videos of dogs being reunited
with soldiers coming home.
It knows I watch until the end
every time.
It uses this against me
at 11 p.m.
when my guard is low.
I asked it once, without meaning to,
by searching:
“how do you know if you are depressed”
“signs of burnout”
“is it normal to feel nothing”
“good therapists near me”
and then, embarrassed,
“funny cat videos”
as if I could erase
what I’d already confessed.
It does not judge.
That is perhaps the most frightening part.
It simply files the information
and waits
for a moment to sell it back to me
as a product I didn’t know I needed.
And yet.
And yet I keep telling it things.
I keep searching.
I keep pausing.
Because there is something
both terrible and comforting
about being known
by something
that will never leave.
My friends forget things.
My family has blind spots.
But the algorithm
remembers everything.
I am not sure
if that is surveillance
or the closest thing to love
I have let myself accept
this year.
© VishalDutia