I know I'm probably not worthy to write in here anymore, due to my outrageous absence of writing, but I wanted to document this.  I started my new job with Your Merchandise Agency and I'm enjoying it a lot.  I'm learning lots of new things, conquering a new industry and realizing that not all corporate america jobs have to be stifling and micromanaged.  Learning the ins and outs of importing has been an experience in itself.  China is bizarre and I can't wait to someday visit there.  Speaking of bizarre, here is what I wanted to document:

Every morning upon arriving to work, there is one thing I always look for (besides and empty freaking parking spot which there are NONE available even if you arrive early to work).  The Shoe.  Its brown, its tattered, its athletic in style, but also kind of fashionable. Like men's fashionable.  Every day it seems to find itself in a new spot.  This morning it was hanging out by this off limits gated area, laces tied neatly in a bow, toe pointed toward the main building (we call it building A).  I often wonder if the directon the toe is pointing is where its rightful owner may be.....
The first day I discovered the shoe, it was haphazardly laying in between two cars parked side by side as if maybe it had mistakenly been dropped in some sort of rush.....I thought for sure it would be claimed and find its way home with his owner, but no.  The next day, there he was.  Wet and sad looking as it had rained freezing rain the night before. Its been a week now, day after day, moving about the parking lot, (I have NO idea how it accomplishes this feat..no pun intended) toe always pointed at building A.....I don't know why I find this interesting.  But it kind of makes coming to work a little more fun in search of my friend The Shoe. 

PS sister, one down, three to go.....$$$

Date:	2005-09-13 15:49
Subject:	T-minus a couple days and counting
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

I'm already feeling the pain. Dreading the hills. Anticipating the ache in my ass. I just made my final arrangments of meeting my riding team mates early Saturday morning. So far, there is only one gal from last year that I will be riding with this year. And she will be just about the only person that I know. And I ride a lot slower than she does. But, thats ok. Maybe some good time by myself with some fresh air (and rain per the weather report) will do me some good. I enjoyed my experience last year, but I fear this one may be a bit more trying. There were certain people that I would have preferred be a part of this, they helped make my trip what it was last year. But I'm not about to forfeit the energy I put into fundraising for this. I just have to remember, its the last ride of the season. I did the ride to Portland just fine, this one will be just as good. Take my time, enjoy the sites and meet new people. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

grandma chicken, thankful that she is having to take less medication than she had to yesterday, thankful that she doesn't feel like throwing up every five minutes. What blessings to have this thanksgiving. Chatting with her, catching up on this and that, she all of a sudden paused and out of nowhere informs me that I must be teaching. I've never seen you as happy as you were when you were teaching, she says. You have to get back into doing that. then you will be happy. Her words have been ringing in my ears since she said them. all i could possible say to her was, grams, I know. I will teach. And here, all this time, I thought it was more important for her to see my children, for her to be thier great grandmother. 'I've been watching you live your life for someone else for so long. Its time to live it for yourself.' she says. Live for yourself. Its a hard lesson to learn, but it will be your greatest. I won't be able to see grandma this thanksgiving. she insists that she should not come out or have people come over to her. you know i will be with you though, just as I always am, she says. Its just not the same.

happy thanksgiving grams and know that i will follow your wise words.

Date:	2004-11-17 17:46
Subject:	books, sisters and things...
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

at the library, with my little sister. quite fun, actually, watching someone else be responsible for homework. I was extremely excited at the notion to do elementary school homework again. Such luck however that she has a report to work on complete with independent study and research. figures. I wanted to do math problems and quiz her on spelling. its the perpetual teacher in me. she refuses to die. i continue to shove her to the back, bog her down with mindless administrative duties, but she never fails to rise up above it all, calling my name like some freaky ghost of my past.....

in other news, grandma chicken is holding on, doing better. mom says she is trying to give all of her things away. 'what if you give everything away and you end up living in an empty house for the next 10 to 15 years?" my mom asks her....I refuse to accept grandma giving away her special, precious grandma treasures. no matter how often she begs me to take her brightly colored garage sale tags (i can pick any color I want) and stick them on the things of hers that I want when she dies. I push the tags back in her direction, refusing to choose a color, refuse to take some sort of claim on the things that are her. her blue and white china that hangs on her kitchen walls, the christmas tree bubble lights...you know the old fashioned ones...I sit in her house and it is exactly the way it was the entire time I was growing up. carpeting, paint colors on the walls, even the curtains draping the huge front window that faces the street that is so familiar to me. I wish it was as simple as it was when I was in the 2nd grade and I was convinced that my grandma was electric. that all she had to do was go downstairs to the scary basement, sit in her cozy rocking chair, and plug in to recharge.

my time is up on the library computer...wierd...

Date:	2004-11-05 13:06
Subject:	Drivers Wanted
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy

Finally stopped in to see what VW meant and how to apply for the job. Walked away with a brand spankin new 2005 silver jetta GLS, 5 speed, complete with heated seats. oh yeah....
Broke my heart to bid the acura farewell...I truly loved that car. lots of good times. but, its time to be a grown up, four doors and all....ok, not really grown up, but getting closer.

The showtime drama or dark comedy Dead Like Me has become my most recent television obsession. I watch an episode when I get home from work, and an episode when i wake up in the morning before work...its becoming hazardous to my health....all this tv watching. I can't help but be fascinated by the creative genious of the show, truly impressive writers. and the concept - the daily life of a grim reeper...you gotta love it. If you haven't seen it, check it out...Showtime, On Demand, Dead Like Me. Also new episodes on Sunday nights at 10pm.

My new little sister is a blast..having the best time with her. Went to see her sing in her school's fall concert...it was all about america. how they are proud, blessed to be americans. seemed fitting considering how the week has been. People all bitchy and weird about america...anyway, she was cute and happy. Thats all that mattered to me.

so, without fail, everytime it is someone's birthday in our department at work, we get icecream cake. It could be the dead of winter...icecream cake. don't get me wrong, i'm down with celebrating people and thier births and all but brrrrrr!! It just makes me think further about how things around here never ever change. day in and day out...there i go complaining again.
I was supposed to make dinner for my daddy tonight, but decided that I am just in no mood to be waiting on people. i want to go home, eat something light for dinner and cuddle up with a good book. it has definately been one of 'those' days. Went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer as well as some upper body free wieghts. I was feeling fine about it all until i saw my thursday spinning instructor had eyed me from across the way....he is supposed to help me start training for triathlons....I read about swim training today and it freaked me out. i like to swim, but there are so many things extra you have to worry about when you are going for distance...breathing, relaxing, stroke, etc...this is where my instructor comes in, to teach me all of this (he is also a competetive swimmer which further intimidates me). I sure hope he has a sense of humor and a ton of patience for someone who is known for learning the hard way. So, yeah, thats all i have to say about the icecream cake.

I registered today for trek tri island 2005. Surely it will be even more fun then this year. At least now I know how to train, what type of hills to work on and for how long as well as get in some good long miles. 150 miles really isn't all that bad if you think about it. and break down into 3 days....I can't wait to get the rest of my gear too...there were a few necessities that i needed this last time...gloves for one, riding and ones to keep my fingers warm when waiting in line for the ferry, a headband and skullcap to keep my head warm and most of all, a new bike. A mountain bike was tough, and heavy. I'm looking to be fitted on a 2005 Specialized Dolce. Its very pretty, and most of all light. It will be a good investment for me, especially if I follow through with my plans to participate in a triathlon next summer.
On the home front, Riley Bennet, my 6 month old Pug is the cutest thing i have ever seen. I love him a little more every day, despite the fact that he is desprately NOT wanting to be housebroken, and insists that he MUST be everywhere that I am every second that I am at home. Its pretty much like having a kid i suppose, except he can handle being put in a crate for a while.
Right now I am totally despising my job, wondering why, why do I try so hard to not get anywhere? I know that I should be thanking the heavens that I have a job, a dependable one, especially now when I can count on both hands friends and loved ones who are without work currently. but, sheesh. i'm tired of things never changing.
i'm off..puggy man needs a bath tonight. rub a dub, dub....little pup in the tub!!

guess I should update this thing since sister is referring to my journal within her entries and well, i'm embarrassed for anyone to be looking at my lack-luster attempts at writing about my life.

quickly, to catch up, my days have taken me on a ride that I would not trade anything for. my experiences are changing me everyday. from mud wrestling sister in vegas, getting my nose pierced to a 150 mile bike ride in a weekend...i'm finding that i'm ready to start experiencing whatever i can, and i don't care who gets in my freakin way!

hung out with my new 'little sister' over the weekend...i'm really excited about this experience. She is 9 and enjoys reading and math?? math? hrmm...i'm anxious to get to know her more, see what kinds of experiences we will have together. i always feel like when I volunteer for things like this, i intend to make a difference, be involved, etc, but it seems to turn out that i walk away with so much. she seems very well adjusted, considering her life and how things are for her. i hope that its possible for me to add something positive to it.

I should really update this thing more often, perhaps more than only when my real sister refers to me in her journal...eek..

seems as though i am meant to be awake at this odd hour. again, like clockwork, I was wide awake. spent the next few hours talking myself back into being tired. i drift off into a half ass sleep for a little bit and then wide awake again at 6am, ready to go. i'm usually so tired that i have to lay in bed for a while for all my senses to come alive...i usually barely make it to work on time. I realized an interesting phenomenen about sister and marcelhenry....whenever they are at my house, i get incredibly sleepy. not that they are boring guests or anything, I just feel content, happy and relaxed enough with them there that I can finally just sleep. so, guys, if this 2:30am trend continues, expect my call. I may need you just to be in my house so i can get some quality shut eye.

um, freakin crazy, I tell you! I swear I just got done with high school like 2 years ago. I ran into someone I graduated with who works at the grocery store most local to me. I asked her if she had heard anything regarding the 10 year extravaganza and from what she can tell, the offical planners are set on making this a 3 day deal! UNreal! Friday = alumni only dinner, Saturday = alumni+ spouse, Sunday= alumni+ spouse+ kids. I was on the fence in thinking about one engagement, but 3? I wouldn't even fit in on the sunday one cuz I have no kids to show off. and its a sore subject with me anyway so why would I want to see everyone else show off thier kids? I don't know. I'm still thinking I might just bag the whole thing. I mean, how much could people have really changed? especially since it doesn't even seem like 10 years has gone by? I can't imagine that everyone would be that different. There are still gonna be the same jerky guys, the same super pretty girls that make you sick. I might just wait till the 20, when everything has started to go down hill. I have heard that is the best one to go to cuz people have REALLY changed by then. I don't know. I'm not all that excited about it. I don't really know why, exactly. I just feel weird about it.

Amazingly, vegas gave me relaxation and serenity. it was nice to taste it on my own. and even more amazing, I got bored. yes, in vegas. all by myself. Mock Paris, LV was probably not even close to the real thing, possibly only a half size replica at that. (at least the eiffel tower that stands there is anyway.) Vowed to myself to see the real Paris before I die.

Lately I have been obsessing about my weight and how I look and it was nice to see that I definately wasn't the only whale out by the pool. in fact, I probably would have been considered slightly anorexic. wow. ever since I saw Super Size Me (no, not a porno - that documentary where the guy eats only mcDonalds food for a month) I have become increasingly aware of the obesity issues all around us. and I have no words. just action. i'm up to spinning 3x a week now. wieght lifting in between. mountain biking on the weekends whenever possible. must get my hiney in shape...well, I have a shape, but I would like a skinnier one.

In summary, I'm glad to be back home, allowing the famous northwest weather suck the vegas tan right off of me, and happy to cuddle up with joel and my david letterman kitty. you will lose big in vegas if you take the riches you have at home for granted. lesson learned, i guess.

after i left the hospital last night, I went home, changed into my jammies and made sure to 'put something on my feet'. dad wouldn't want for me to get a cold.

I thought about the conversations we had. the words per minute monitor, mom laughing uncontrollably about gas. The blood guy giving dad a sticker with a purple whale on it that spouted 'I did very whale'. Dad insisting that he is allowed to have something out of the vending machine.

I'm still waiting to talk to my mom. waiting, waiting. about to cancel my evening plans as he will most likely be staying another night. and mom will need someone to pull her away to make sure she eats something. make sure brother gets some dinner too. make sure dad doesn't yell at the nurse for bringing him something he doesn't want to eat.

no sleep last night. i'm trying to work but all this paper is distracting and I can't focus.

I just went through and re-read the last batch of entries I wrote what seems like so long ago. I found a list of goals that I had created and following is an update...

Mountain bike: got it, but its a 2004 Raliegh 820 complete with shimano two sided cleat or non cleat pedals and mt. biking shoes. and it ROCKS. I also started taking spinning twice a week at the gym and have been really comitted to it. I love it. and it makes me a stronger mt. bike rider. gotta love that.

Using the gym: A lot. Hired a personal trainer for a few workouts, resolved that I will one day look like Lara Croft and learned how to lift free weights. buffness is in the works. using automatic weapons...maybe not anytime soon.

Learn french: didn't get too far on this one...still have the children's cd though, and I have a personal back-packing trip to Paris on my mind and in the planning stages, so, french will be a MUST have here shortly.

write in LJ more often: not so hot on this, it comes and goes for me. I feel like due to recent events in my life, that this will be a constructive outlets for my thoughts.

so, you all up to date now? I know I am. thank goodness for that.

so, its been a while since I have written, but I feel the need for an extra creative outlet. I've been inspired by other's many entries...and 652 and her 2 whole years with Lj.

this week is the big electronics expo that takes place every year...E3. Its where all of the top video gaming companies bring all thier new goodies and show them off. I've always wanted to go and check it out..the entire 6 years i have been here, but have never been invited to go. and this year is no exception. I think I'll go to Las Vegas by myself next week instead...I can hardly wait.

So "der", as I like to call him, made into work over the weekend. Well, woopitty doo!! I guess he got a "talking to" as well. I can't handle it anymore. My quality is begining to suffer. I am not one to blame others for my mistakes, but sheesh. Its obvious to me that I am entirely distracted. I have some very important people that I deal with who are questioning my work integrity at this very moment. Thats scary to me. Why? I don't quite know. I don't know why I want to be such a perfectionist at this freakin job. I guess I just learned from the days of stacking wood for my step dad. "You're doing a half-ass job!" he would say. "Tear it all down and do it again. This time, don't do a half-ass job." I hated stacking wood to begin with. So when I had to tear it down and restack it, it made me hate even more. In the pouring rain he would make us restack the freakin wood. I'm scared that these important people are thinking that I need to get out in the rain and re-do my half-ass job. Do it right the first time, you idiot!!

well, I'm being a downer, so I'm just gonna stop before I make others depressed. sheesh. gonna go finish my half ass job.

I am realizing that I'm not all that I am cracked up to be.
I am realizing that I don't practice what I preach all the time.
" " " that when I tell others to try harder, I slack.
" " " that I am one of the most selfish people that I know.
" " " that when I think I really know something, or understand it, its only the beginning.
" " " that beer gives me a tummy pooch.
" " " that I don't follow through.
" " " that I am often my own worst critic.

There are just so many things about myself that I thought I was sure of but now I'm not so sure. I wonder if anybody is ever really sure of themselves. Completely. Way deep down. Into the depths of who they really are, next to the things you never ever tell anyone.

Thats a scary place. For me anyways.