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natacha

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(no subject) [Apr. 8th, 2004|07:23 pm]
natacha
[Current Mood |excitedexcited]
[Current Music |Francis Cabrel: Question d'equilibre]

i'm off tomorrow morning to Providence, RI to see my sister and her boyfriend for the weekend. it's always very exciting to see them there. we always have fun. last time i saw them was on new year's eve, so i am expecting great things to happen.
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2004|07:41 pm]
natacha
[Current Music |Jump Little Children: Vertigo]
[Current Mood |blahblah]

to you:
it's as if you're a tingle i can't shake somewhere between when you told me hello and goodbye. i should have caught on to your apathy when i was asking so many questions about you rather than answering any. maybe i was led on by your......? somwhere along the way you allowed me to solidy a feeling that meant more to me than a pat on the back. maybe you wouldn't understand this and that makes me want you even more.
and i'm still stuck on you. i want your fingernails in my palms. your nose in my belly. your elbows in my kisses. your knees in the crook of my neck. your hands on my face. your breath in my sweat. and seventy-one smiles on my tummy. all of it.
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eee? [Apr. 5th, 2004|08:47 pm]
natacha
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]
[Current Music |jimi hendrix - voodoo child]

i have the biggest crush it's crazy. i wish there was like a glimmer of something but last time i checked, my dance card was empty. these things confuse me cause i don't really know how to act. and i can't tell what he feels either. it's kind of depressing actually.
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huh? [Apr. 3rd, 2004|08:24 pm]
natacha
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |london falling]

i don't think that i've ever been this confused before. i don't think that i've ever had something like this mean so much to me before. and i've never had this urgency to actually do actually do what satisfies my needs. and i've never been this lonely before.

my parents want me to go to harvard. i don't know what i want. i want to be happy. my parents won't speak to me if i go to brown. i kinda like brown.
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(no subject) [Mar. 2nd, 2003|12:30 pm]
natacha
this feels really foreign. because, supposedly, i have a licence. a licence to do what i mean and feel and love. but i've never explored the 'somewhere' or the 'touch' that seems to surrounds everyone's glow. so how do i go that extra step without feeling like my fingernails are being burned?

but there's definitely an ache. a longing for something different.

so where do i go from here, other than waiting?
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cause and effect [Jan. 3rd, 2003|02:33 pm]
natacha
[Current Mood |scaredscared]
[Current Music |Umi Says-- Mos Def]

my toes are numb and my nose is cold. but all i can think of is you. i used to think that we were so similar-- that we shared thoughts, feelings, and loves. however, i'm encompassed by the compact jello that i used to call home and i don't know if i want to leave its cold comfort. and whatever transition that burst from within, it produced whatever we are now. i've realized that we are really contradictory, opposite, and ... not worth it. there are so many "i used to"s and that dull ache has intesified into a fear of intimacy.

but you've surrounded my fingers... gone underneath my fingernails and are itching my palms. because you've reached the soles of my feet and the fold of my unattainable. our manifested vernacular-- once spoken-- has all but deteriorated into touch. and the knot that's intertwined with the few cotton fibers of my being is being tightened. and all i hear is silence.

i miss you. so much.
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2002|05:59 pm]
natacha
[Current Music |Sarah Vaughn - "Misty"]
[Current Mood |nervousnervous]

i was in a corner of my room, thinking about what i think i should complain about myself and just pooling in my own self-absortion. and while i was talking to myself, telling myself that it's not worth it, my mother came into my room. She picked up all of my dirty clothes, dirty dishes, looked around, and walked out. I heard her in the next room say, "where's natacha?"
and the weird thing is that i felt satisfied.
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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2002|07:30 pm]
natacha
at this point, light is the only thing that makes me feel substantial and real... that reminds me that i actually exist, and with my existence comes realities and expectations. things i have to face and without a bulletproof vest.

i want to pump up the volume, the bass, and let the vibrations take over. and i want to let myself accept what i have been denying. that these feelings are valid, real, and okay to have. i want to be able to erase my straight lines and let myself feel. i want to be in a situation where i CAN feel.
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(no subject) [Nov. 3rd, 2002|08:56 pm]
natacha
i feel like i'm being pecked at by tiny birds-- the kind that tickle when they brush their wings against my skin. i feel a little like i'm a board--waiting to be ironed on...stiff and hovering. i feel a tiny bit like that sour taste in my mouth will go away once i focus on your top lip and your hands--
i want to feel like i'm surrounded by your fingers, because that is only when you're real to me.
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A letter [Oct. 16th, 2002|09:03 pm]
natacha
[Current Music |Arrested Development- Mr. Wendel]
[Current Mood |draineddrained]

to whom it may concern:

i'm through now.
i'm done with investing my faith in empty hugs and hidden smiles.
with wide-eyed promises and hopeful whispers. i'm tired of looking at you and wishing that what i felt was genuine.
i thought i had this fixed--i thought i screwed in the nail that was loose a long time ago. i figured i was exploring and you were a broken wave. but i think this hurting would stop if i just disconnected...
because i'm not getting a response.
i just want to tell you exactly what i think and feel without hiding the most important sentences...but the decorations just come out.

i think i gave us too much credit... too much of a future.
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