January 10th 2003 was where this journey began. February 17, 2015 is where it ends. I honestly hate it and I wish this place could be something so much bigger than it is, but all the glory is in the past now gone. Daneen is right, as usual, this website in general is stuck in the late 90's and performs accordingly. Also there may be some people watching and paying attention occasionally, but they are in the minority. Highly unfortunate considering I can only possibly appeal to the minority in the first place.

On that note I'd like to thank those still here. You are more important to me than I can possibly describe. You, among other things, remind me of a me who wrote all the time and loved every minute of it. I know besides Daneen there's like one of you for sure and I know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. As I may have already implied this has been a very important and equally significant place for me on the internet. Outside of goth.net it's been the most significant. Killing it is harsh on so many levels, but is also the humane thing to do.

I can hear the collective sigh indicating everyone else has moved on many years ago. I guess I never did or didn't want to.

So whatever, this is it. I don't know why I'm dragging it out because I can count on one hand the people reading this. Goodbye. I still want to write and have it public and for us to have a discussion about things but I don't know yet where to do it. Most of what I've seen online is very private. That's nice and all but it isn't me. I'll never be able to write anything and not have someone else read it.

Now accepting suggestions as to where to plant my pencil.

So yeah wherever we meet again I hope it's under better circumstances than it is now. I hope and love to see you there. Thank you to everyone who ever bothered to read what I had to write. Thank you even more to anyone who ever left a comment. That means that I left enough of an impact upon you that you couldn't let it pass you without saying something. That alone shows that I did something and it was special and significant.

That's it. Goodbye LJ. Take the last 12 years of my life and do whatever you want with it. It's one fucking amazing read from start to finish, I can attest to that. But you don't fit into the modern internet. I can't do twitter (even though I promote there) because of the character limit, and I can't do Facebook because it's just a fucking train wreck. I just want to write and talk about it with my friends. Is that a hard thing to do these days?

If you're reading this please comment. I don't think I've ever said that before, but I need to either declare this place of mine on the internet DEAD or ALIVE. Let's be honest, best case scenario is alive with faint pulse. For me I need to know if anyone is here and reading and cares. If not, I know the evolution of the internet and my lack of participation is largely to blame.

If you like, I'll continue to maintain this misshapen place within the internet, but if not maybe the best thing is to finally kill this journal for good.

Through a series of Seinfeld-ish events, I worked an evening shift tonight. It's a different animal on many levels. The most obvious sight is far few team members working and a vast majority of customers more than willing to monopolize their time. At one point there was one who admitted to endeavoring to work for the same company I do. I wasn't helping her, but I MUST have reacted in some way she caught. After all, we have plenty of part-timers who want nothing more than to be doing something else. Not to mention old-timers like me who are practically begging for something to replace this job. I guess it's a matter of perspective. If I'm unemployed or underemployed the grass is always greener. That being said, avoid FedEx Office as a career goal unless you're willing to change states or become a zombified district manager.

Work bullshit aside... And I hate talking about work, to be perfectly honest. The vast majority of it isn't remotely meaningful. At least I don't see it that way. I see it as a normal day as a human being. The vast majority of your interactions are amicable but forgettable. The negative interactions aren't worth repeating for fear of being negative. The positives are likely overshadowed by the vast majority and the negative. And there's your balance. Add this up over a number of years and you find surprisingly little to talk about when it comes to work. That's me today.

So here comes the hard and most interesting part... How to talk about ANYTHING but work! You look to little things, perhaps, like television and current events. I try not to get too political, for sure. I'm caught up on The Walking Dead finally, but we won't have that until the Fall. So what should we discuss?

That's the magic... Lack of anything relevant to discuss is the most useful discussion. For example, what bread at Subway is the best bread?

If you could have only one alcoholic beverage for the rest of your life, what would it be?

And other such noble pursuits.

I'm back! At least for tonight. Of course I spend a couple months alone and lo and behold LiveJournal has drastically changed their look. I'm surprised I was able to login at all. Everything is so blue and aqua looking.

I don't have a compelling story about where I've been or what I've been thinking and why it hasn't been showing up here. Tonight, however, I'm wondering if I'm finally becoming wary of what I actually post on the internet. I don't mean LiveJournal, but the cross-posting to Facebook. Of course without the Facebook link there's like a possibility of maybe 5 people reading my nonsense, but the FB factor means more exposure.

I've never cared about exposure before. At times in the past I've used and created filters here purely based on actual knowledge of specific individuals whom I know were reading and wanted to make sure they didn't see what I had to say. Other than that I never cared. I never actively advertised this aspect of me on the internet, but I did nothing to hide it either. Family and friend alike could be combing through this thing and probably looking at me like they never want to associate with me again EVER.

I'm actually fine with that, if it's the case. In person, I may not act or behave or speak as openly as I do here. That doesn't mean I won't deny it either. If you feel uncomfortable or aren't interested you're not even listening now anyway. I think for now I'm trying to feel comfortable linking a journal that started close to 15 years ago to Facebook, and the fallout that might occur from that.

Something to accompany that thought is the fact that I deleted the vast majority of anyone on FB that was a friend, but never a "friend." Common upbringing based on Harvard is no longer a basis for friendship. Those folks are long gone now and anyone left (you!) hold a permanent place in my heart and a front row seat for the drama of my life.

With that bit of business out of the way... I thought I might reminisce for a while, if I can do so. We're getting to the point in our lives, I feel, where our generation stands out significantly. Not only that, but on a more personal level maybe as a distraction to the seriousness of my previous thoughts, maybe there's some comedy that I can bring to this otherwise drab display.

Hayes Street. Harvard Illinois. I remember when I was a kid there was this house up the street a ways that housed a family that had a, for lack of a better term, special kid. I'll be honest, I'm not sure where we're at on that from a politically correct standpoint... But anyway, he had a fascination with lawn mowers. Mowing the lawn in that neighborhood and having him show up to watch was a thing. If I remember correctly, he tried to steal more than one lawn mower during that time also. "Steal" of course, being a harsh term. He probably just wanted to take it for a test drive. Just imagine the satisfaction one could possibly feel of a gas-powered machine chopping grass into fine chunks. I suppose that was the appeal our neighbor felt every time the pull of a cord brought a lawnmower to life.

Anyone remember when Harvard's finest removed a marijuana plant from the Kirkland greenhouse behind our house? Probably not. We kept a low profile. Of course if you live in Colorado now you'd wonder what the big deal is.

Hello again. Thank you for sticking with me if you're still here. Obviously it's been a while since I've spoken. As always that isn't for lack of something to say it's just not wanting to speak. Right now I'm starved for time off or vacation or something. That's my instinct. On a higher level I need a different job. I hate where I work. I hate going to work. When I go to work I'm thinking about things after work is over. It's a mindless exercise and an endless loop of not caring. The building could burn for all I care. My only concern would be my co-workers.

I don't give a shit about FedEx. I don't care about numbers. Percentages, volume, percentage to plan? Fuck it. I don't want to know where we stand and I don't give a shit where it ends.

Time to move on.

I don't know where I'm going, but the last 9 or 10 years from a career standpoint? I'm left hanging.

Much to my dismay, it has been over a month now since we've sat down together. This is bad and it is good. How? My brain is nowhere near the level it was a month ago. Now it's maybe way more humbled and isolated. Despite my efforts to reach out and touch someone, I'm realizing my head and my memories are irrelevant. What I remember as history and common ground with people is basically trash.

It's today and right now and nothing else that is relevant. It's sad, but I understand. Unfortunately right now it makes me feel as if I'm lost in time. Or am I ahead of time? I'm too confused to say.

Right now I'd love nothing more than to reconnect with old friends. You know who you are if you're actually reading this. This, unfortunately seems impossible to me based on geography. I'd love to re-invent that, but I don't know how specifically. Additionally, my experience with old friends has been, "come see me" instead of, "i'll come see you." Casual distinction.

I accept I made my bed and I'll sleep in it. I am further out and inconvenient. I may also be a number of other things...

What I can say today is that when Daneen visits her family it is very quiet here. It is humbling and it is lonely. The only problem I have now is that it seems the more I try to reconnect with my past, the more strangers I see.

It's been a few days, hasn't it? We're talking about the usual insomnia that happens from Thursday night into Friday. As of now I'm at 5 hours of sleep before the alarm rings. Rejoice! Maybe one day I'll have a consistent sleeping schedule.

It does become a big thing in a lot of ways. It's Friday, for one, and at the root a cause of celebration. On the other hand, it becomes the prospect of going through the entire day feeling like you just want to sleep. That would be my goal right now: a solid 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Never going to happen.

In the meantime... As we're discussing these things, it may be prudent to talk about what I do in my downtime. We're not going to talk about work, that much is for certain. But after that goes away... The night before last I was surprised to see that after I posted a screenshot of my latest and greatest Cook, Serve, Delicious high score, the very developer of the game up-voted my screenshot. Very cool. I was at about 18 at the time, I believe. It made me think for a minute that if competitive CSD was a thing, maybe I could switch jobs. Alas...

I'm also enjoying Don't Starve and the most recent DLC with giants and things. I still don't understand Don't Starve, but the consensus seems to be that no one does, and I'm okay with that. The beginning game makes sense though. I feel like it's, "look for beefalo's" and their poop. Once you find the poop, the rest of the game comes to light.

Maybe there's a parallel to real-life there, but I doubt it.

np. Enya - Storms in Africa

Pandora is now bestowing the New Age genre upon me. I have to admit I'm o.k. with this. It reminds me of high school as I know I've mentioned via one medium or another. There's nothing wrong with Enya, but Enigma has since emerged as my favorite, based upon my exposure, from that "era". Remember when the Gregorian Monks was a huge thing? I know I'm going pretty far back with this. My Mother, God bless her, was huge into all of this stuff, and I leeched the best of it off her.

np. Adiemus - Adiemus

Speaking of New Age... Ok so the monks. Real quick I'm going to fire up wikipedia because I think it's a cool thing to revisit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chant_(Benedictine_Monks_of_Santo_Domingo_de_Silos_album)

Recorded in the 1970s. I didn't know that. 6 million copies is a lot of cd's for a group of monks. Anyway, that album art is very familiar. Clannad was another big thing during that era. They did the music for Patriot Games, if memory serves. Tom Clancy RIP in piece.

np. Hans Zimmer - Now We are Free (live)

Live? There's a live version? Lisa Gerrard sounds the same here as the recorded version. That's a topic for another conversation by itself. She is considered a contralto, if you know what that is (I don't). But if she's singing I'm certainly going to pay attention.

np. Hayley Westenra - May it Be

Ok what the fuck is going on with Pandora? This is an Enya cover from Lord of the Rings. It's decent, but I'm kinda longing for like Wumpscut or Front Line Assembly or just some Depeche Mode right now. Perhaps I've made the mistake of up-voting Enya and now we're forever doomed.

np. The Cure - Last Dance

Nevermind, we're safe. Wasn't there a South Park episode where they were debating what the best Cure album was? One of the kids even said Disintegration, which is my favorite. There are a lot to choose from though.

np. Sisters of Mercy - Temple of Love

Wish was really good too. Except Wish is kinda almost like the Cure for non-Cure fans. It's like the most Pop music they ever got up to. That being said, A Letter to Elise, and To Wish Impossible things are two of my all-time favorites. The problem overall is if I try to listen to Wish from start to finish, I'm probably going to skip Friday I'm in Love every single fucking time.

np. Siouxsie and the Banshees - Spellbound

Did you guys hear about the Nirvana thing at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? They brought a rotating cast of relevant females out to sing. I read an article about it. It seemed interesting. I'd actually love to here an entire Nirvana album sung by a female singer. I think that might be really cool.

Sleep now!

Good evening friends. Welcome once again to another episode of Aaron shoots his mouth off!

Not really, but maybe? We got a bit personal last time, and I don't want to forgive or forget that, but the fact of the matter is that is a given. I'm sad now to report that people probably want to forget me. I don't conform and I don't comply. I don't adhere to current social media. I remember a lot of things. I am not to be condemned or judged for these things. They simply are.

And yet it happens. Even now as I write I am being judged. Something I did or didn't do is being dissected. How much can you truly be held responsible for 20 years ago?

Memory again.

You remember people and faces. You remember what impact people had upon you. I want my friends and people I hold dear to embrace me as closely as I do them. They do not, I'm unhappy to report.

Each time I log in and sit down to enjoy our time together, LiveJournal feels it necessary to remind me that "houseshadow, your current position in the Top Journals is: 32,694." Fantastic. I didn't realize it was a popularity contest, but way to make me feel great about being the 32,695th most important person on the site. 32,696 better hope and pray we don't meet in a dark alley.

Memory is our topic tonight. Specifically how and what we remember. This may speak more loudly to friends around my age. An example, before you leave in a fit of rage. High School and College is very much a defining time for anyone, myself included. Do you remember every single day and what happened on that day? Impossible, right? That's what I thought.

I also realize that everyone remembers certain things more prominently than others. Something that happened to me or with me may very well be completely lost and forgotten to someone else that was present for the event.

An example that I know won't offend anyone reading... Back when I worked third shift security I made a friend named Kacey. It wasn't even something I initiated, but something she did and said through our interactions that brought us together. We were friends, I thought, but we grew apart, as things go. A while ago, on a whim, I looked her up on facebook, added her, and said hello. She very clearly said she remembered me. With that, I proceeded to tell her how much her friendship meant to me and how great a hole the loss of her had been made.

Her response was zero response, a defriend, and a ban.

I guess my reaction wasn't sad, it was rage. Obviously I've lived life without this person well enough. And yet I was honest in my approach. I admitted to some confusion that resulted in our drifting. And in the end she just deleted me. That's the memory lesson for today. I thought I had a friend for life. And there's a lot of this misshapen and imbalanced emotions in friendships AND relationships. Something that was so important to me is something that you want to be kept buried in a tomb beneath the Earth never to be uncovered for all of time.

I can only hope that I don't do this. I don't think that I do. I feel like if I've known you, however complicated, you're a part of me. It doesn't even have to be complex. It can be very simple. If we've been in contact we're connected. I despise being deleted and ignored out of convenience. We all may grow up and grow old, but that's no excuse to behave like you're better than everyone else. News flash: You Are Not. In fact, you're probably more boring than you've ever been. And if you aren't, it's an even bigger reason to talk rather than keep silent.

I just wish people would get over their insecurities for a change.

If we didn't have to work we wouldn't, would we? For a time I thought I might be better off living in a time period resembling a typical Dungeons and Dragons setting. How cool would that be? Living in a time of might and magic. Of course there's always a big difference between the successful adventurer and the hapless merchant. I guess I always assumed I would be the successful adventurer.

That economy system is so appealing. Imagine if all you had to do in life is kill a dragon and then you could be a king for a lifetime. We don't really have that anymore. I suppose the equivalent is an extremely lucky investment on the internet or in a startup company.

And yet wouldn't it be so nice to live in a reality where you could make a living by clearing out a cave of kobolds? I would like to live in that universe. There wold be kobold stew available as far as the eye could see.

It's after midnight and I'm still awake. The thing on the phone that happens to wake me up is in less than 5 hours. Old school entry because I don't have the brain to do otherwise.

np. Visage - "Fade to Grey"

A great song, by the way, that popped up on Pandora for me. I don't know anything about the band or the song, but it's pleasant on the eardrums.

No sleep, unfortunately, is still the topic of the day here.

I don't know truly how close or how many of my dear friends are reading this, but... I recently replied, in-depth, about this place here being a sacred ground. I don't know of another place on the internet where we can be more close or more candid without fear of retaliation. I am on a silent crusade to bring something besides facebook into the fold in regards to communication. Was this obvious before? I don't know for certain.

I'm going to keep the rest of this short. I have to be awake in 4 hours and I already know I'll be destroyed for tomorrow. Every single person I can possibly convince or entice or enthrall to join you and I here... Is a big step in the right direction. I feel a bit more driven than I once was... Maybe just maybe as we gather together we can find a place, either here or somewhere else, where we can gather.

And in that place we can have a conversation. We can talk at length. We can remember our past and think about our future. That's my Garden of Eden. For better or worse.

Good evening friends. Pour another glass of wine and relax. Let's gather around the fire once more and I suppose for tonight we'll just talk about whatever comes to mind. Me personally I'm still very sleep-deprived and now only minutes from trying to make my head hit the pillow.

I think for the moment I want to issue an invitation. I admit I'm not certain how many people are still here with me. I can guess, but, I imagine that I can count that result on one hand. That isn't bad. The whole proud and elite argument....


The fact of the matter is I don't have a ton of interesting topics to talk about anymore. I could use both some inspiration and some destination. It won't take much, I assure you. I'm kinda like I don't want to talk about social media too much. There's so much more out there.

Anyway, if you feel compelled, let me know, and we'll talk about fucking Kanye if we have to.

Good evening friends. Once again, it has been a while since we gathered around the campfire and swapped stories. I wish we could do this every night, but unfortunately my 5:00 am wake-up call continues to make that a difficult reality. I have to admit I am almost on the verge of enjoying my solitary mornings. The only obstacles in my way are the no sleep factor and the lack of company. I'm definitely fine with a lack of lighting. I'm totally comfortable within complete darkness, in fact. That goes back to the third shift security days. The majority of your waking life is total darkness. The sunlight is your enemy at the end of the day preventing you from good sleep.

It isn't goth at all, but I'm totally at home with all the lights off. This came up tonight. We have a 3-way lamp in the living room that is only going 1 way, for whatever reason. There's a joke here, isn't there? Anyway, I'm fine having that light go dark. In fact, the more dark it is, the more comfortable I become. Am I accumulating goth points? That's just reality. I prefer dim lighting or no lighting. Often on Sundays when Daneen goes to the local auction, I will shut all the drapes and curtains we have. I honestly don't know why, but I just want it to be dark.

As this opening thing continues in my life, I find it very difficult to take a proper nap after work. That has always been a routine thing when I've opened in the past. A couple hours of sleep to reset the brain and feel a little more awake. Unfortunately, I'm finding it more and more difficult to make this happen. More often than not I just lay there in bed and flounder about in and out of consciousness. When I wake up or become aware, I either feel like I didn't get any rest at all or I feel like I should just go to bed and try to get another 8 hours of sleep.

All of this nonsense puts my head in a bizarre state. I'm always starved for sleep no matter what. I suppose that was the same feeling I got during graveyard duty. And yet you never seem to catch up?

So I suppose the alternative is to become comfortable with the sleep deprivation and try to make something out of it. I imagine I'm doing this now without actually trying. The only problem at the moment is I'm staring at this screen and moving my fingers upon the keyboard and I forget what I'm talking about no more than 5 seconds after it happens. So this is the most uninteresting post I"ve made in recent memory. In my defense, 5:00 am isn't very far away.

I had a fair amount of rage going on the last time we were together. I also may have had a severe case of isolationism. I'm not happy about work, but truth be told I rarely am. I've had a lot of anger about social media and what it has become compared to how nice it was back in the day when no one had a cell phone and you were lucky to have dial-up internet. Perhaps that bit is the source of my displeasure. Not long ago it was a privilege and a joy to have a real conversation with someone via the internet. They could be miles away or in another country, but either way it was so humbling to be able to really delve deep into the heart and thoughts of another human being regardless of distance.

I think that's the root of my anxiety and my displeasure with social media today. Twitter, Facebook, etc. Everyone is talking all at once, but no one is having a conversation. I truly hate that. I don't honestly think I can deal with it. I think that's a major reason why I finally culled my facebook circle. I don't care about the random noise anymore. For a time perhaps it was interesting, but for the most part the novelty has worn off. The occasional meme might be interesting and provocative, but on the whole it's just noise and I don't care anymore.

Do I sound mad or bitter? I hope I don't. It's just so disappointing to think about how impersonal the internet is now compared to how I remember it. If it's just me, I apologize, and please enlighten me. When I was in high school I remember being on ichat and MSN chat. I was like 15 at the time, but I was meeting people from all over the US. A middle-aged housewife from Kentucky sent money to me when I graduated from high school. I got in-depth technical computer advice from some kid younger than me that lived in California. I was on ICQ all the time, if anyone even remembers that program, and I eventually met some of those people in real life and even introduced them to my real life friends.

Maybe it's me, but I just don't see this happening these days. Maybe I'm not saying or doing the right things. I don't think that's the case though. I wonder if we are connected so closely that we take it for granted today. You and I could be 'friends' on Facebook and yet never said a word to each other. What if I messaged you out of nowhere? That's a weird thing, isn't it? You'd wonder why I was doing such a thing, wouldn't you?

Am I wrong?

It's been a little while since we've sat down together and had a conversation, hasn't it? The last time we were together I was hoping for a pleasurable Friday. Unfortunately, I slept through my alarm that day and had a rude awakening to the morning. Instead of the normal chilled and methodical approach to the day, I had a panicked and rushed approach to make it to work at a decent hour. Things worked out just fine. The store opened on time and everyone was happy. I was tired, but everything else went well.

Fast forward... I am now for the foreseeable future opening the store Monday through Friday. This means tired, in all honesty. This means sleep deprivation. It is a precursor to bouts of psychosis. I did this thing for years a while back and while it became routine, it was damaging, to say the least.

Wake up at 5am when you're nocturnal and let me know how that feels.

That aside, I truly hope to embrace the moment. That might be hard to see, but it's much more feasible for me to "stop" somewhere on the way home now than it was before. Doing something at 3:00 in the afternoon if vastly different than trying to do the same thing at 6:30 in the evening.

Something else before I fall asleep... For a long time I've wanted social media to be something greater. Sometimes I've been enamored, but other times I want to kill it. The difference should be obvious if you're close. I think I've truly wanted more of this beast than is capable. It's impossible. The News Feed is a tomb. It isn't even a delightful graveyard, it is a tomb. The News Feed is barren. The only decent thing left is private messaging and maybe a select few heartfelt comments. Of course, in that respect, you can't get candid enough in comments alone.

If it wasn't obvious enough, enough of the re-shares and re-posts. No more posting pictures of quotes unless they're immediately applicable to a person.

Can we just fucking talk to each other for a change?

Fucking send me a message. Let's talk about things for a change and stop the vague-booking.

I'm a little sad to report the straw poll results from the last time we spent together were... inconclusive, shall we say. From the look of things, there were technical difficulties for certain and perhaps not enough participation (which may or may not be related). I can tell you that I voted for 'a personal story' and Daneen thinks she voted for 'current events' even though the system claimed she already voted. My suspicion is it has something to do with IP logging of a sort since we share the same abode.

Needless to say things are inconclusive. Maybe if I ever become popular and have followers, stalkers, and minions we'll try that experiment again. I'll probably use something than Straw Poll if that is the case.

Where does that leave us for tonight? Well it's Thursday and the clock on the wall says 11:30 pm. I'm not tired enough to make sleep happen, and my alarm will be ringing at 5:00 am. No worries! This is a weekly thing. Insomnia partnered with a schedule the rest of the week that has me waking up 3 hours later. I don't know what that means other than history repeating. Tomorrow morning I'll drive to work in the dark, hopefully with something nice on the stereo... I'll count all the money in the building and we'll listen to serviceable pandora goth radio. Hopefully it's a slow day and I can clean the men's room. At the end of the day I'll come home and crawl into bed in an attempt to rest and refresh the brain.

As a bit of a follow-up from our last visit as well, we were talking about Q101. As a side note, I'm blessed to work with not only someone who recently moved to Denver from Chicago, but also someone who is from Crystal Lake. To me I feel like how well I get along with these people is uncanny. Individually we're very different people, but we get along so brotherly and sisterly without even knowing a great deal about each other... Anyway, I was talking about the Q101 Jamboree I went to. I went on to remember how you couldn't tune into Q101 from Harvard because of the reception. You had to move closer to Chicago to be able to listen. And for us back in the day Q101 was like auditory orgasm. I remember late night Taco Bell runs early in high school and it was a major thing when Q101 actually came fuzzily into the radio. You physically had to drive to hear it. There was no internet or streaming in those days, it was unheard of.

Showing my age again...

I was recently asked by a dear friend if I felt social media was destroying our society. This threw me for a loop because I know I could easily write a thesis based upon this subject. This concept of Q101 as a radio station relates to this. Before radio streaming and youtube and netflix and hulu... everything was geographical and regional. The only way to listen to Bauhaus was to buy a cd. Hell I never would have known a thing about Bauhaus if it weren't for the internet.

Here we are now in an age where you can usually just type into google search what you want and your ears will be pleased.

I am also more accessible to anyone and everyone than I've ever been before and yet I think my smartphone beeps at me way less than my telephone rang in the 90's. Think about it... I don't care who you are reading this or where you are in the country... Our history together might be nil or we might have had a number of conversations in the past... If you bother to take the time to send me a private message on Facebook, or a direct text message, if I'm not asleep at the time I will see it within minutes of you sending it.

I am so easy to find it scares me a little. I'm also comforted, to a degree, but that also means that based on how often my phone buzzes, I'm not in high demand. This is fine with me, but it brings up another question... As accessible as I am, realize that you are as accessible as I am. What if I were to contact you or message you out of the blue. Surely you'll see it in minutes and what does that mean?

Maybe we were better off before cell phones. Maybe sometimes we should be unreachable. Remember when email was a perfectly valid method of heavy communication? We're even beyond that now. I think if nothing else technology is destroying us. People walk about into businesses and around town and they keep their head down transfixed upon their cell phone. How is that a way to live life? How do you meet new people or experience strange or interesting things? You're staring at the latest thing George Takei shared on Facebook... While awesome, it just so happens your life is rapidly passing you by.

np. The Cure - A Letter to Elise

Here's a thing... and I grudgingly admit I'm not as familiar with the entire library of The Cure as I'd like... but my question is if you could give one song to someone who isn't a fan, what would it be? And to be honest, I want to say that you can't choose Pictures of You, Lovesong, or even Just Like Heaven. I hate to admit it but I've actually gotten kinda sick of hearing those three. I definitely don't want to hear another awful cover of Lovesong. Anyway I thought A Letter to Elise might be a good starting point, but I'm sure there are others more worthy.

np. Orgy - Blue Monday

Speaking of cover songs... This one actually isn't terrible, but the problem is that nobody knows Orgy for any other reason beyond covering New Order. That's a bad sign. I saw them live at some festival in Illinois at Tinley Park. I can't remember what it was, but maybe it was something Q101 put on back in the day? Maybe? I can probably google this, but the main events were The Offspring and Red Hot Chili Peppers. We left either right before or during the Chili Peppers at the end. In my eyes, Offspring was the pinnacle anyway. I was super into punk back then, and even though they were very mainstream it was a great show. At one point Dexter told the audience to throw all their trash onstage. This happened long after they stopped playing and at one point they announced that the Peppers wouldn't play if people didn't stop throwing stuff onstage. That's what I remember most from the day, but I imagine a whole lot happened both onstage and for us in the crowd throughout.

np. Depeche Mode - Precious

Ok I looked it up. It was Q101 Jamboree 1999. Holy fuck I'm old. I totally don't remember Blink 182 either even though they were always one of my favorite bands:

1999 - 2 Skinnee J's, Blink-182, Blondie, The Flys, Hole, Kottonmouth Kings, Lit, Local H, The Offspring, Orgy, Puya, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Silverchair

I think I kinda remember Blondie. I don't remember Hole, even though I actually kinda like Hole but that didn't happen until after this. I don't have a clue who Puya are. Silverchair I know well but don't remember. Kottonmouth Kings and 2 Skinnee J's - no clue and don't remember. The Flys did "Got You Where I Want You" which was total one-hit-wonder but is a decent song. Local H from memory was mostly a local Chicago act that didn't permeate the farm country. Lit was another one-hit, if I'm right, with "My Own Worst Enemy." Here I am trying to remember 1999 and I'm trying to figure out who I was even with for this. I'm fairly certain I was with Jody at the time, but for some reason I want to place other people at the scene that shouldn't belong there.

Again, in my defense, this was almost 15 years ago. Oh God, my age again... Also I'm sure I had at least one drink.

np. Bauhaus - Silent Hedges

This is truly a sad realization. I'm truly at the point in my life where I can't recall things anymore. I mean, I obviously remember The Offspring and singing as they played and even the bit where Dexter took a baseball bat to N'Sync effigies onstage... But that's the most prominent thing in my mind. I suppose that's a discussion about the human brain and how it works (or doesn't). I probably remember the most interesting and pleasurable thing from the day, but who knows what that says about the rest of the time. I don't.

np. Depeche Mode - Rush

Anyway, that was a most interesting journey in my brain that was most likely entertaining for no one but myself.

np. The Cure - A Night Like This

Don't forget about my Cure question from earlier...

np. The Smiths - How Soon is Now

Given the frequency of musical selections, I'm running out of conversation. How about a poll... That might make things interesting. I wonder if straw poll is like a free thing. I'll check real quick. Turns out it is.

Ok so here will be the true test as to who and how many people are actually paying attention to all this rambling. I set up a poll to determine the nature of the next entry I post. Click to vote!

http://strawpoll.me/1388565

Maybe if it's popular we'll do it again. Between you and me though, I won't be surprised if no one votes. That's cool! Why? Because then I can do whatever I want. Oh yeah! BTW go vote!

I've always loved Hungry Lucy as a musical delight. A story first... Friday mornings at work I open the store. I probably mentioned this before, but anyway... I wake up at about 5:30 am and travel to work in the dark through a city still asleep. I arrive at work alone and in silence. I count money and prepare for the day. To me, the coolest thing I've done recently, is put on my new favorite pandora goth radio on one of the production computers and help to pass the morning. It becomes less important as more people report to work and really I just turn it off, but...

I heard a really intoxicating Hungry Lucy song that I don't remember. Here it be:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sS1KSqaNAo

This is the kind of thing I live for: It's 7am. You have had like 4 or 5 hours of sleep. You live in one of the major cities in the country, and it's as quiet as it can possibly be. Everything is dark and you're alone. This is like the bliss from working third shift security coming back to infect me. I am here, I am alone, and I have this Hungry Lucy song to keep me company. It's such a fucking warm blanket to be wrapped up in. I love it beyond words.

If you follow me on FB you might have realized someone on my friends list posted a very candid Walking Dead spoiler. While I can't necessarily fault this person for this I can absolutely call them a fucking douchebag in public for it. Their display provided nothing to further progress humanity or even impact anyone who closely follows the show. It was just noise and chatter that unfortunately helped further spoil the 4th season of which has already been terribly spoiled for me.

Ok, I'm behind, that's my problem. Still that gives you no right to throw major plot stories haphazardly out into the internet like it doesn't matter. As if everyone in the world is doing the same thing you are doing. How ignorant.

That leads me to my next revelation... The destruction of my FB circle...

For ages I've known I've either been a friend to or a friend of a multitude of people who don't care about me. I've stomached this arrangement for whatever reason. Maybe it was ego or whatever, but no longer will I tolerate it. A great purge is on the horizon. I've had about enough of people I don't care about watching me with indifference. If you truly do care, I imagine you'll make it be known. If not, prepare to be reduced.

I've been thinking for a good while now what to write about tonight. It isn't tonight anymore, to be honest. 3 am really is tomorrow in my world and I imagine the majority of others. I don't know why I'm awake. In the more grand scheme, I don't know why I can never seem to sleep. Six hours is a blessing, but anything less seems to be normal. I think if only I could go to bed early that would be a thing that would make a difference.

And yet as an alternative perspective, how might sleeping for 8 hours a night change me? I've felt a certain 'Lost In Translation' feeling for years. A feeling of a stranger in a strange land with little to no understanding and little to no ability to simply sleep. Let's watch a video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGvDCmuDKKE

Wish I could sleep. Me too.

Alright not to go on a tangent, but while we're on the subject, I'll ask the question: What does Bob say to Charlotte here?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpOdAHwRnXY

I always feel like other people answer that question better than I do.

When it comes to movies I'm very much quality over quantity. 99% of the time I haven't seen the movie you're asking me if I've seen. Like if it's a comedy that happened in the last 10 years or so I don't care. Romantic comedy, care even less. Horror or action movies, I care much less. It's been some time a movie was released that wasn't a remake or a rehashing of something that happened 20 years ago and much better. For that reason I tend to latch onto a select few movies and hold on for dear life.

For example, what modern film could surpass Edward Scissorhands?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mg8SyAJfaw

I can see nothing that could ever come close. No one in Hollywood would even attempt to anymore because it doesn't feature a Marvel license. And yet how many modern heroes are as tear-jerking or heroic as Edward? Zero.

Not to bring David Lynch into things again, because I'm bias, but what about the pursuit of love at any cost even if the girl you love has moved on. You're broken without her, but you can't live with her being with another. Can you kill her and live? Is she as lost without you as you are without her? She isn't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6cA5I6UyFY


Now that's a story.

Another Transformers movie? I couldn't possibly be less interested.

I was gone! To be specific, I was set adrift upon an endless ocean while sitting upon a Nyquil-based raft. What does a Nyquil-based raft look like you might ask? Well it depends upon how many doses of Nyquil you've had. One dose looks like a series of medicine bottles wrapped together with twine. Two doses of Nyquil looks like a series of pink torpedoes wrapped together with red licorice. The horizon is a dark red with peppermints floating across the sky while white chocolate rain falls silently upon Easter grass fields chock unnervingly full with Marshmallow Peeps eager to feast upon areas you feel best kept hidden.

That best describes Tuesday night and all of Wednesday. Tonight, on the other hand, I sneezed like 69 times.

To answer the question: what was wrong with me? I honestly have no clue. You figure it has to be either a cold, the flu, or allergies. The end result was none of these or all of them together at once. I have no idea what you call such a monster. The fact of the matter is that all of them happened to me at least once during a 3 day stretch.

Today I was getting my voice back until now when I sneezed about 69 times (see above). Cue the now playing:

np. Bauhaus - Double Dare

Back to the Nyquil... I've shared this and it isn't new news, but here's the basics of a dream I had while I was under or over the effects of the red rocket we all know and love... My grandmother had come back to life. She was there alive in the flesh as real as she had ever been. Everything she did or said in life was there. She was as alive as I had seen her in so many years. I was elated and I was beside myself with joy. This was a dream, mind you. Eventually in the dream it came to light that my grandfather had met an entirely different woman. My mind replaced this other woman with my grandmother.

np. Peter Murphy - Strange Kind of Love

Again, Peter, your timing is impeccable. My dream ended, or it began realizing the lie. In the dream I felt deflated and defeated.

I described the above to Daneen and she wondered if perhaps my real Grandma feasted upon my moment of drugged weakness to check up on me. Whether you believe in such a thing or not, she certainly left an impact. It makes a great deal of sense. The alternative is I was whacked out on meds and was dreaming.

That begins a conversation about dreams, hallucinations, reality, and how all of those combine into... I don't know.

I felt my grandmother so close to me like she always was. I spoke to her. I asked her questions and she answered. I saw her face and I heard her voice. I saw her move.

np. Depeche Mode - In Your Room

One of the best Depeche Mode songs ever.

If she wanted to speak to me, now was the time. Maybe she took advantage of that moment. My mind before was wild with thoughts and ideas and things in my head I couldn't control. Maybe she wanted to see what was going on inside. But what of being replaced by another woman by my grandfather? Hard to say. My Grandfather is in a nursing home around both men and women. None of them have their minds anymore...

Imagine you don't know your wife.
Imagine you don't know your daughter.
Imagine you don't know your grandchildren.

Welcome to the end of your life.

np. Siouxsie and the Banshees - Candyman

A late post this eve, much to my dismay. It wasn't necessarily a typical Monday. In all honesty, it started out typical. I walked into work and for the most part ran production for about 7 hours with a 30 minute break in there. For a change, towards the end, I managed to claw out of that hole and actually help in other ways.

np. Sisters of Mercy - No Time to Cry

My secret indulgence when it comes to this song is I actually really like the Cradle of Filth cover of this song. You kinda have to stick with the original, but I have to admit it's a cool cover. Anyway... Where was I... The rest of the day slowed to a manageable pace. I suspect the holiday became a thing that kept people away. Other things that happened today included a wicked paper cut on my left index. Just another in the long line that came before it. Will it leave a mark? Who knows. If so, join the club.

np. Xmal Deutschland - Mondlicht

Never heard of these people or this song. To suppose they are German may or may not be presumptuous. Stop getting distracted Aaron. I guess that's the reason why I do this type of entry though isn't it? The fact that I can't go 3 minutes without being pulled into a different direction. Not too much to say about this song. Honestly it sounds kinda like old Siouxsie combined with Cocteau Twins in another language.

Other things happening is I'm either becoming sick or some unexpected allergy is taking over me. My concern is I do not usually have allergy problems this time of year. My allergy season is late August and early fall. Right now my voice sounds terrible and my throat is terribly dry. I don't FEEL fatigued like I'm sick, but maybe this is a different sort of virus or whatever. I hope I'm not getting sick, but I can't come up with an alternative explanation.

Ok, Pandora is REALLY coming through now.

np. Peter Murphy - A Strange Kind of Love

Wrap me up into a ball and feed me this song for a long time and I'll be happy.

The last important piece of business might fall on deaf ears here, because I mostly need to bring this to the attention of the people I work with. Pay attention because this is important. For a while I "thought" that Daneen went to high school with the actress that plays the mother on the current television series 'Bates Motel.' People didn't seem to believe me when I said this so I went back to the source for confirmation.

np. Assemblage 23 - Damaged

Sometimes you need some beats and good vocals to move to. Damaged indeed. Ok anyway, Daneen confirmed that not only did Vera attend the same high school as her, they were actually in the same advanced art class. Vera was a year after Daneen. Also, we don't have the yearbook on-site, but it can potentially be produced as proof. She may not have been born in this country, but that girl was a Jersey girl at least when it came to education!

Alright, seriously, my voice sounds terrible. I expect to go to sleep now and have no voice in the morning. I hope I'm wrong.

Still here and kicking on Sunday night/Monday morning. I've a little prose left in me before the work week takes over and ruins everything to a degree. Still unscathed even after basically denouncing the church as an organization. Several ways to take that. I could be completely right, but more likely no one could be bothered to enlighten me to the contrary. Either way what was said was said and it's time to move forward.

My goal this week is to travel into the next stage of my alcohol reduction plan. I've strayed from the path this weekend by design. I hope to temper emotions of frustration, anger, and displeasure by playing Team Fortress 2 again. Sometimes in order to feel better you might need to shoot rockets at total strangers or even people you're mildly familiar with. By contrast, I hope to cultivate more positive emotions here doing what I'm doing now. That being said... The best laid plans...

You know the rest.

Anyway I'm aware of what happens if things go horribly wrong, and to be honest that prospect while certainly a setback is by no means the end of the world. I realize now this thing is a marathon and not a sprint. It can't happen overnight without severe consequences.

On a more positive note, I've talked about a great fog clearing in my mind. For several days I was on overload. I was flooded with more than I could handle mentally. I'm not saying that isn't the case now, but it's tapered off. I'm pointing at this sudden desire to, as cheesy as it sounds, listen to the music that speaks so clearly to us. I put it away for so long and have forgotten how great it is. I'm going from not caring at all to craving. Right now Switchblade Symphony is singing to me and I'm bathing in the emotion they evoke. That wasn't happening before.

So for this week, the music in my heart won't be whatever is playing on the radio, it will be something far more special. In the end, my goal for this week is to simply do things on my terms. I have a plan every day, even if it isn't obvious, and I intend to keep that trend alive. Something else to be added later will involve going to bed at an earlier hour.

For now, I'll leave you with an amusing username I saw tonight while playing Team Fortress 2 on the Furry Pound Server #4 - Big Black Floppy Disk.

You guys remember those, right?

Lock your doors and put the children to bed. Seal all entrances and exits and prepare for fallout, because we're talking about religion. The one I'm familiar with anyway. Before I go too far, I'd like to say that I'm not attacking anyone or challenging anything whatsoever. In fact, if anything I'm attacking myself. I'm pointing my own finger at myself and asking me why I don't believe. Actually, let me clarify... It isn't that I don't believe. I believe in a lot of unknowns and unexplained. I believe that concepts such as fate, irony, and coincidence while seemingly insignificant are evidence of a higher power. I have a lot of faith.

What I don't believe in is church as an organization. I've happened to have the greatest spiritual revelation from a movie. I can already hear people laughing, but allow me to quote it first:

"Jesus said... the Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood... and I am there, lift a stone... and you will find me."

I first heard this in 1999 in Stigmata. This is why I don't believe in church as an establishment or an organization. It speaks to me so clearly I can't imagine why the majority doesn't agree. I was taught I had to go to church or I'd go to hell. Maybe not directly, but to a young open mind one interprets a lot of things and draws conclusions. I always thought I'd better go to church on Sunday or I'd burn eternally.

Well what is church at a most fundamental level? It's a building. It's a place. It might be sacred to a point, but man created it. No differently than he/she created the apartment I live in. Can't my apartment be just as sacred as a church based upon my own belief?

Perhaps I was unfortunate in my upbringing. Maybe I received the wrong messages or I interpreted them incorrectly. The one thing I can say with certainty is that I learned about religion in the wrong way.

As a result, I'll never step foot inside another church again unless attending an important wedding or a funeral. And even then it will be out of respect of the people involved and not the establishment. If God is in me and with me, he/she is truly a complex being. Also with a twisted sense of humor and perhaps even a sadistic streak. I admit to a bitterness. I was continually forced to a place where I was taught certain things and expected to accept them unconditionally. Unacceptable. If everyone in life has their own unique path, you can't "teach" religion. I will be eternally resentful for the fact that I was subjected to that teaching. My faith, or no faith at all, was mine to find or never find as my path dictated.

Let the hate mail or the indifference commence.