hell_missrose

I feel like such a stupid idiot. This is my second angry outburst at my love again making me feel really bad. I should have thought before I spoke should have been more sensetive but i wasn't and i feel as if i am truly unworthy of his presences.

 Today was an absolutely horrifying it went from a pleasent morning from waking up with my best friend, my love to having him tell me he wan't to join the Navy. That's when my heart shattered my day fell apart. All I could think is how idoit. How could he do this leave me after we just got to this part. Going from being in love from being friends and now he wants to just go. For what he thinks I need to be financally secure. But that dumb idiot doesn't even see it no matter how much i say it. I don't need to be finically secure what i need is for the person i love that i still have spent enough time together to spend some more time together. No matter how sad i being to fall into myself realizing i am truly alone I am. How just cause he signs up it will take six years for them to pay for school and he might even get killed. but the damn idiot he thinks he nothing bad might happen. I can take care of myself and don't need for him to be a white knight to save me. I have seen not, i have had enough hardship to stand on my own. But the one thing i can't take is him leaving. After moving in with him he decides that after i moved my job to be closer to our new place he does this to me. But I can't stay here if he leaves i will cause i can't do this wait and be alone. He says he loves me and yet he is so selfish. What about our dreams? Dreams of attending college together living, getting our own place together. i will not let mhy self be hurt anymore. My heart screams don't go. But he obvioiusly wont listen. I want to become my darker half run and escape from this horribe pain. If he love me why do this to me? Shelfish. That's what he is. he can't find the job so what he decides to just join the navy. He has his AA already and almost finished his bachelor to become a surge now you say your not giving it up then why are you going to join the Navy. You tried to cheer me up today thinking i have accepted you going to the navy but i haven't'. You hurt me sliced me down the middle all i want is for you to be here how could you do this to me.    

 So I haven't been posting of lately but I plan on checking up on all the event that have been happening recently. So attending summer school working a part-time job while trying to get into a university has been quiet an overload. So today i decided to go swimming in the apartment pool with my boyfriend to only get chewed out by the rudest woman i have every seen. She came down from her apartment to yelled at us cause we were being 'disgusting.' And yet she didn't even know what was going on which really upset me to no end. Many people don't know that I am not the best swimmer and my boyfriend was trying to teach me to swim so i one day could go snorkeling with him. Being a good boyfriend he was giving me a little peck on the lips to encourage me to got into the six foot end of the pool where its water would reach over my head. We were laughing and playing with a beach ball. Then she began to yell calling us horrible names threatening to report us because she was a peeping tom.    

 So it was Saturday i spent the whole day working and got off at four thirty semi nostalgic over the up coming idea that con was going to be next weekend leaving me wanting rewatch some older anime working to some newer ones. I spoke to the person who i love so dearly. Through the phone me made me smile. I felt deeply sad over how selfishly i acted friday wishing i wasn't such a screw up. His love is something i treasure so deeply i am not able to deny i am afraid if i move to fast or do something wrong in our relationship it will start to fall apart. Because i want to tell him how much i love him. I know he knows but i feel like i keep drowning. I need to hold him look into his eyes. Tell him 'I haven't the slightest idea how to explain how much i love you. You mean so much to me i want to protect this what we have. It makes me feel so strong and centered like i can do anything. I want you to know ever moment i see you i can't remember the loneliness i have once felt deep down. I can barely stand being alone for the sake of god. When i am alone i feel lonely and all i want is for you to hold me. I would stand for you if you couldn't stand and i would die for you.'   
 You all might think yep that's one phsyco stalkery kind of girl friend well you might be right but i just want to make him happy. I want so much to thank him for walking into my life remind me what it was like to be in love to feel so untouched by the world and confide with in someone else. So go ahead and think what you want. I want to teach him all i know and in return have him teach me all he has to know. To share. I love him so much. Though the greatest part of the day came when i was at home thinking how much i wanted to see the movie sucker punch but thought it would be nicer to have him ask me rather than me ask him to the movies and then walla he text's me out of the blue asking if i want to see the movie which made me extremely happy.

It all actually depends on if we had been fighting earlier.

If we had been fighting earlier:
  I would wait till the plane reached near the ground so there wouldn't be anytime for him to panic before the plane hit. I would rub his arm gently waking him up trying to see ask calm as possible, look into his beautiful expressive brown eyes and say. "I am sorry i fought with you earlier i never want to fight with you again. I love you and always will." Then when he smiles the plane would crash.

If we hadn't been fighting earlier:
   I would know he knew i loved him and act like a big girl sitting as calmly as possible. I wouldn't want to not to wake him up to suffer the terror i was feeling at the time.

 School was absolutely the most boring thing for me. Homework check, learning applications problems and wasting time.  It took what felt like forever but when i got out of class time didn't seem to move fast enough to get home and start of my boyfriends chicken noodle soup.I suck at cooking so upon returning to the apartment i had to enlist my moms help to make the soup. I felt like i needed to rush to see victor as he texted me telling me to hurry to tear through time and space. But no matter how much i wanted to be there by his side i know it would take longer as i had to pick up my pay check. After i picked up my pay check i speed down the highway at normal speed before exiting the highway to only get stuck behind the train threatening to make me late to ^!(*@%'s house. (since he asked not to have his name in my blog.) My heart raced and ache all i wanted to do was bring him his soup and cuddle with him telling him how much i wanted him to feel better and help manage his room. Finally reaching his house the spring sun had taken it's toll on me. My blood was screaming to stay out of the sun and i felt slightly dazed feeling like a ten year old young alive. His dad was working on loading the branches into his garbage truck. I kindly thanked him for retrieving the key i had locked in my car last weekend. I made my way through the garage up the stairs till i reached his room. I stood outside his room staring at his sliding door that marked the entrance to his room though i had been in his room three, four times before i  found my self worried about what i would see. Finally after a deep silent breath i opened the door to see him laying on his black futon cocooned in many thin but fluffy blankets. His long dark wavy/curly brown hair was pulled back in a red bandanna making him look a little like a sick male anime character. I gave him soup he was happy after waiting all morning to eat what i made him which made me extremely happy.  

   So after all the things going on i went to work finding working in the outside garden the most inspiration place to work I wrote a little more than 800 words bringing my story closer to completetion making me feel even more accomplished. All the crisp weather made the flowers fragrant and inspiring.

Always being my friend through think and thin

The thing that fills my life with joy

I want to be at your side as long as I can

 

To me you’re the moon, the stars, the summer night after a long day

 My Helen of troy

 

We’ll always be friends in the end

 and each moment we spent is a gift

 When I was lost you gave me your hand

 Every new experience brings smiles to my heart

 

Though we are different, we are a like

We are more, we are best friends

our kindred hearts now beat as one

 I want your happiness

 

 So in the end always remember me

 and I will do the same

My ex-john (thought was first love more like lust)
"Didn't i already tell you to get the hell away from me. All you did was hurt me and cheat on me! Don't you get it I don't want you around.You stole from me and hurt me. Do you not get it the man I am with now is wonderful, kind, smart, and driven. He inspires me to be great just as i inspire him. If i wanted scum in my life i would have tracked down a drug dealer. So get the HELL of my porch." Walk pass him go inside ready to defend my self in case he wants to get aggressive with me. Look over shoulder, " by the way If you don't leave right now i am calling the cops for harassing me. You already have a warning from the police to stay away from me. I sure they would like to haul you down and look at your criminal record." Slam door.

Victor truly a first loving him. (More like actual love)
Though if it was the guy that i sincerely love right now that feels more like love then my ex I would probably grin before walking up the stairs to the door. "The doors unlocked. So, why are you waiting outside." Smile, kiss him, give his hand a good squeeze to make him smile. "Come on, my muse lets write together."

 So honestly I don't care about the fancy font of the color text. I will worry about it later right now i am more worried about writing down my 'Hell Day.' Math 97 was a snore of a class. I hardly paid attention as i focused on my story. It's almost been a whole year since starting my novel. I feel so accomplished and yet not where i want to be quiet yet. Four more chapters then i will be finished that will be about a little more than 80 thousand words. Then i will start revisions by rereading it adding adjustments followed by checking if the story flows well together. 
It's 9:45pm and i am kind of sad. The day started off fine enough with finding a text from my boyfriend victor saying he might have good news. That for con i might be able to stay at his house because his family isn't home then it just got worse. We talked a little on the shuddle bus to class he seemed so happy though he is feeling sick with fever, stomach pain and throbbing head. We just started going out March 15th,2011. i can truthfully said hes the first person i have ever loved. Not that i haven't had someone before him because i had. But my ex can't compare with my boyfriend now. He is truly one of a kind. I hope he keeps me around. He makes me so happy i want to cry. Sometimes i am really afraid it's too good to be true and i will lose him. Every moment i see him i ache to pull him near and tell him how every moment hurt with out his smile and words. That everyday he bring sunshine into my life. The thing i look forward to the most is when i get to see him again. That if i could every pay check i would by him a star till they were all named after him. 
  The problem came after class at home. We were texting and i was telling him how fired up that i not only want to be on the New Yorks best sellers list but to also be on the International best sellers list. How i scored on the last writers contest i entered. Then he started to get down on his self. 'Saying how i deserve better,' and 'how i should leave him and let him rot.' Also he said, 'I am fat, lazy and stupid.' Which broke my heart more than i rather want to say. It was almost like he was telling me i was too good for him and all i want to do is be by him. He makes me so happy. He's brilliant, good at martial arts, and has traveled the world a bit. And none of those are spins on the truth. He's only 21 and he already has his Associates in arts and was working on his bachelors. I am 23 and i am just about to finish my Associates in Art. I see he's capable of so much more. When i first meet him before i feel in love with him. I admired him because he was smart, and had one hell of a character. From there i only fell in love with him. So here i was trying to convince him all those bad things aren't true. He just stopped talking to me. I mean i know logic doesn't work well against emotions but i still had to try i didn't want him to be in pain. After work he said he still felt sick and i said a few things and then he said 'it was valid.' For him to say i don't deserve him. So he stopped texting me about 9:20 so here i am spilling my guts cause i feel kind of hurt and want to weep because the pain i feel so deeply because i can't even ease his sorrow at least a little to my best attempt. I hope one day i can let him read this journal if we last longer. At work all i did was talk about him because i love him. We've been going out for almost four weeks now.    
   I wish i could let him understand how much i love him. I accepted him for himself and yet i can't bare to see him sad. I feel my own heart ache with such intensity i want to rip it out.